It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Season 7

Frank:
Roxy, you are good shit and I want to make this legit. I'm still gonna pay you - but I want you to stop banging other guys. What do you say? You wanna be my wife or what?

Frank:
Roxy, God Bless you. You were a good whore, you serviced me like no other whore ever did; not only my crank, but my heart - and I'm gonna miss you. AMEN.

Frank:
I love eggs, Charlie. And I love crabs. And I love boiling denim and banging whores. And I don't care if anyone doesn't like that about me, they don't have to stick around.

Dennis:
You look fat as shit! I'm getting very concerned with the integrity of our organization here. Mac, you have gained 50 pounds of fat."

Mac:
"Mass."

Dennis:
"Fat."

Mac:
"Muscle."

Dennis:
Let's be clear. Fat."

Mac:
"People change, Frank. Look at me: I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you."

Mac:
"But I'm healthy besides the diabitis.

Doctor:
"Um, no.

Mac:
"But I'm more healthier than he is, is the point I think you're trying to make, even with the diabitis.

Dennis:
Dude, stop saying "diabitis"! You sound like an ass...

Charlie:
"The other day we were hanging out under the bridge, we found a box of denim, and I'm like "these look like good jeans in here," and (Frank)'s like "Wanna split them with me 50/50?" That's a nice thing to do."

Charlie:
"Yeah, me too. I would love to go on a vacation."

Mac:
"Yeah but not to the Jersey Shore though. That place sounds like a nightmare."

Dennis:
" What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?"

Mac:
"Come on, you've seen that TV show. It's just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases."

Charlie:
Hoooooolllllyyyy Shhhittt! Is that the ocean?

Dennis:
Yeah buddy that's the ocean.

Charlie:
What's on the other side of it there?

Frank:
Europe.

Charlie:
Now how long would it take....

Dennis:
Do not try to swim to Europe.

Charlie:
Don't swim to Europe.

Mac:
Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze!

Frank:
This is Ham... *soaked* in Rum. It's Loaded with booze.

Mac:
Goddamn it Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!

Frank:
Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip sh*t on ham.

Mac:
Wouldn't you say we're getting... Hammered?

Mac:
"As a man who works very hard to maintain a certain level of physical excellence... I find shortcuts insulting. Now give me a piece of ham now!"

Charlie (disgusted):
NO! NO! NO! NO! WHAT WAS THAT?!

Dennis:
A couple of homeless guys banging each other!

Charlie:
I know that, but why?! That's not magical! That's not romantic!

Frank:
We gotta write a song about how we do not diddle kids! (singing) "Do not diddle kids! It's no good diddling kids!"

Mac (annoyed):
There is no quicker way for people to think that you're diddling kids than by writing a song about it!

Frank:
You gotta write a song like:

Mac (annoyed):
Don't write a song about that.

Frank:
Hey Charlie you asleep? Charlie are you asleep?

Charlie:
No. NO.

Frank:
I got a great idea.

Charlie:
I don't want to hear it. Frank I'm a successful man now. OK? I need to maintain a certain level of excellence, so i can't have you like telling me terrible idea all night because that brings me off me excellence. OK?

Frank:
OK, but this is a great idea. We take, we take the M-80s that i have and we stick 'em in some lamb, and then PATCHYA! We blow it up.

Charlie:
What are you looking to do like flash cook a, a gyro sandwich?

Frank:
Yeah. That's a good idea. Flash cook a sandwich.

Charlie:
Oh my god

Frank:
Cook the meat immediately.

Charlie:
I mean what you're talking about is just a meat bomb and that's just a waist of a good lamb so if your done coming up with good terrible ideas, um I'm gonna go back to bed.

Frank:
A meat bomb! You you you blow it up.

Charlie:
Do you remember Psycho Pete?

Ingrid:
Unfortunately, yes.

Charlie:
Any word on if he's coming tonight or...

Ingrid:
Well, I hope not. He's the reason we have extra security. He threatened to burn down the building.

Charlie:
Ha, that's...

Mac:
He was probably just joking.

Charlie:
That's his sense of humor.

Mac:
He has a very dark sense of humor.

Charlie:
You gotta lighten up around Pete.

Ingrid:
Was he joking when he cut his family into little pieces and ate them for Christmas dinner?

Charlie:
[pause] That doesn't sound like a joke.

Mac:
Did that really happen?

Charlie:
Yeah, that sounds much more serious.

Dennis:
I want to be inside you. I want to do shit to you that is gonna make you realize what a boring, worthless, piece-of-shit your husband really is.

Christie:
Wait a second, I'm confused. Why would you want to have sex with me?

Dennis:
Why the hell wouldn't I wanna have sex with you? I mean, bam, bam, boom.

Christie:
Because you're gay.

Dennis:
What?! I'm not gay.

Christie:
Dude, you're wearing makeup.

Dennis:
Yeah, I'm wearing a little bit of makeup. Who doesn't...

Christie:
And a girdle.

Dennis:
Yeah, I wanted to seem thin for the occasion. That's not weird.

Christie:
You've also been gossiping with me for the last twenty minutes.

Dennis:
I was speeding through the steps. I have the system that... I was demonstrating value on the dance floor, and then I engaged you physically when I put my hands on your hips. Now I'm nurturing your dependence by letting you talk shit about your boring, worthless, piece-of-shit husband. Then I was gonna take you into an empty broom closet and I was gonna bang the shit out of you. And then I was gonna neglect you emotionally. That's what I do, Christie. And it was working. I was manipulating your feeble little brain into doing what I want. What I want. And then now it's what you want.

Christie:
[getting away] Ew!

Dennis:
"Ew," okay, yeah, well, your husband is a liar, how about that, Christie? Yeah, stay with a liar! And a deceiver! [talking to everyone, or no one in particular] Yeah, Tim does not deserve to be the king of the mountaintop! I am the king of the mountaintop! I reign supreme over everyone in this school. I am the golden god of this place. I reign supreme! I! I!

Dennis:
Oh-ho-ho, you just couldn't stand it, could you? You couldn't stand Dennis Reynolds...reigning on high! King of all the school! Master of everybody! You couldn't stand it, so you had to turn everybody against me.

Tim Murphy:
Dude, listen to yourself. Nobody turned anybody against you. You were never really that cool to begin with.

Adriano:
Seriously, man. You would just come around saying weird shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap. And referring to all of us as your minions.

Tim:
You always acted like you were better than everybody else, but then you'd just go and you'd hang out with Ronnie the Rat or Dirtgrub under the bleachers or behind a Dumpster or something. It was...it was really weird.

Dennis:
Okay. Well, if I wasn't the coolest guy in the school, then why did you have to try to tear me down by sleeping with my prom date?

Tim:
I didn't sleep with your prom date.

Dennis:
YES YOU DID!

Tim:
No, I didn't. [points to Mac] Ronnie the Rat did.

Dennis:
Wait, what?

Tim:
Ronald McDonald slept with your prom date. Did he tell you I slept with her? I never would've slept with that chick. She was gross.

Waitress:
[drunk] Hey, hey, hey. Great dance, assholes. You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever. I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself. I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me. So who's it gonna be?

[Just before Charlie can say anything, in comes...]

Schmitty:
How you doing, fellas? Having fun?

Charlie:
Schmitty, excuse me...

Schmitty:
Did I miss the festivities? What are we doing here? [turns around and sees the Waitress] Hey, how are you.

Waitress:
Do you wanna have sex with me?

Schmitty:
Yes, I do.

'Waitress:
Well, there you go.

Schmitty:
See you, guys. [points to Dee in her brace as he walks off with the Waitress] Monster. Where do you wanna go? You got a car?

Waitress:
I don't know.

Schmitty:
We'll use mine, come on.

Charlie:
Schmitty.

Mac:
Let's go back to the bar.

Dee:
Yeah.

Frank:
Let's go, Charlie.

Charlie:
Schmitty just...

Mac:
Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.

Dee:
[To Roxy] Your life is way more glamorous than I was picturing.

Roxy:
Yeah yeah. Now help me dig these crack rocks out of my ass.

Dee:
That's what I was picturing.

Frank:
Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time?

Roxy:
Ew I like this jacket is awesome, and it's tighter than dick skin, man.

Dee:
Come on Roxy. We're in a classy place with classy clothes for classy people don't talk about dick skin.

Jerry:
Um hi.. Can I help you?

Dee:
No thanks, we're just trying some stuff on.

Jerry:
Well you are aware that jacket is 500 dollars, right?

Dee:
Are you implying we can't afford that?

Jerry:
Can you?

Dee:
That's none of your business.

Jerry:
Umm it's exactly my business.

Roxy:
Hey screw your dick skin jacket. [pours vodka on the jacket]

Dee and Salesman:
No! No! No!

Roxy:
How you like me now? gay boy

Dee:
Oh don't call him gay. It'd be one thing if he wasn't but he clearly is so--

Manager:
Is there a problem here?

Roxy:
Yeah i'm trying to buy this jacket and this asshole here is giving me shit.

Manager:
You are aware of the price?

Roxy:
Well I have money [Pulls out a giant wad of cash]

Manager:
Jerry. Can I speak with you in my office?

Jerry:
You have got to be kidding me!

Dee:
Boom! Face Jerry! Face! --Sorry about the gay stuff tho that did cross the line.

Frank:
Wait a minute! wait a minute! where's the rum ham!?.

Mac:
[Pointing to the ham floating away] Ah.

Frank:
Ahhhhh! I'm sorry rum ham! Im sorry..rum ham.

Dennis:
[Pointing to women sitting across from them] Like what's her story? She's got a decent bone structure she was probably very pretty when she was young.Probably spent her summers here lounging on the beach,and scooping ice cream.

Dee:
But she didn't want her summers to end so she got herself a fake ID and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.

Dennis:
Yep. Developed a nasty coke habit cause she loved the way it made her feel. Extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.

Dee:
Had herself a kid. Thought it would give her a sense of purpose. And it did for a while, until she started using again.

Dennis:
Mm-hmm. Than social services came knocking on the door, and now the kid lives upstate with his grandparents cause she can't take care of this kid. And here she is festering away in a one-bedroom apartment waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS. And wondering what the hell...

Women:
You know I can hear you right?

Dennis:
Oh sorry, We were just using you as a metaphor, though. We didn't mean anything personal.

Women:
Don't sweat it. You're not that far off.

(Frank backstage with mortician)

Frank:
I can't figure this tie out here. [microphone feedback]

Frank:
[over speakers] I got... I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies?

Mortician:
Mm... no.

Frank:
Imagine stuff like that goes on all time, right. [chuckles] I mean, I don't give a shit. If I was dead, you could bang me all you want. Who cares? [audience gasping] Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want.

Charlie:
Turn his mic down.

Artemis:
I'm trying. I don't know, I don't know how.

Charlie:
You don't know how?

Artemis:
I don't know which one it is!

Frank:
Fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli.

Dee:
What's going on, you idiot?

[Indistinct talking]

Frank:
Make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead. Oh! Ooh, shit. Is my mic on?

Charlie:
Oh, God.

(Frank rushes back to the stage)

Frank:
[chuckles] Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. [audience jeering] That was a mistake. The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system. Puerto Rican guy. [audience murmuring]

IRS Employee:
Well, if you had opened up the letters you would understand that you're being audited.

Dee:
Audited? Why? What are you talking about? I'm not scamming the government, if that's what you're saying.

IRS Employee:
Your license plate says "$CAMMIN."

Dee:
Uh, no.

IRS Employee:
What do you mean no?

Dee:
Yes.

Dennis:
Okay, let’s talk about the limes, guys.

Charlie:
We’ll keep emotion out of it.

Dennis:
Reason will prevail.

Mac:
Reason will prevail!

Charlie:
[simultaneously] Reason will prevail!

Dennis:
I think the limes should be cut a bit thinner.

Charlie:
What the hell, thin limes?! People will choke! People will die!

Mac:
Charlie, Charlie, take emotion out of it-

Frank:
Charlie’s got a point! One of the cornerstones of Paddy’s Pub is thick limes!

Charlie:
Yeah, don’t tell me-

Mac:
I am gonna put my thumb through your eye, you little bitch!

Dennis:
No, no, shhh. Stay calm, stay- hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. Stay calm with me, okay? Be unemotional. Let’s- let’s be democratic. Let’s put this thing to a vote.

Mac:
A vote?

Dennis:
A vote solves everything in a democracy, does it not?

Mac:
…Yes.

Dennis:
So, all for thinner limes, raise your hands. [Mac and Dennis raise hands] And all for thicker limes, raise your hands. [Frank and Charlie raise hands] Now, there you go. That's a democracy in action. That's two votes against two votes. A perfect example of when democracy… has failed.

Dennis:
Wolf Cola, everyone. It's the right cola… for closure.

Dennis:
See, you've all been trying to convince the IRS that Dee's baby is alive. What you really need to be doing is convincing the IRS that Dee's baby is dead.

Mac:
This is dark.

Frank:
Darkest thing we've ever done.

Frank:
You did not want to be caught out in the street in those days with a Negress. They'd tear you apart.

Dee:
a Negress?

Frank:
What? Whatever the proper word was.

Dee:
Well, it's not that.

Frank:
The point is, we opened the club, and we named it after our star attraction.

Guy on the street:
Shady-nasty's?

Frank:
Sha-dynasty's, asshole.

Dennis:
We're gonna call it a hurricane party. It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be awesome, yeah.

Women #1:
What's a hurricane party?

Dennis:
A hurricane party's exactly what it sounds like. It's a party during a hurricane at our bar, Paddy's Pub.

Women #2:
Oh, I've heard of that bar.

Dennis:
Yeah?..

Charlie:
Hey! [laughs] Hello! All right, all right! Hi. Crazy, crazy weather coming our way.

Dennis & The Two Women:
Yeah.

Charlie:
You trying to get these girls down to the bunker, or...?

Dennis:
Oh, no, I'm inviting them back to our very cool bar we own.

Charlie:
Oh, cool, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we got a sweet bunker, too. Yeah, well... It's, like, so secure, people can't get in or out if we don't want 'em to. We'll be, like, totally safe down there. I got a bunch of supplies. You guys like pickled eggs? Sardines, too...

Dennis:
[Nervous laughter] Yeah, we got a bunch of other, you know, normal food and normal stuff there, too. Yeah. Yeah, it's a great bar. Gonna be free drinks for everybody, so you know, you'll come, you'll party with us, and you can bring your girlfriends, too, you know? [laughing] We don't want just the two of you. You got to bring your girlfriends. That's a requirement.

Women #1:
Sounds like fun?... Can our boyfriends come, too?

Dennis:
Oh. Your boyfriends?

Women #2:
Yeah, our boyfriends.

Dennis:
You two have boyfriends? How did you not know... that the reason I invited you back to my bar... was to bang you?... Get out of here! Get the hell out of here! Get... Get out of here! Shoo away from me!

Women #1:
You're a dick.

Dennis:
You're a dick! [turns to Charlie] She's a...i'm not a dick.

Dennis:
You think girls are gonna want to come back to a bar with a man dressed the way you're dressed and carrying a hatchet?

Charlie:
Yeah. They're gonna be, like, "Look at this sweet dude, his awesome gear and his awesome hatchet. He's prepared, he's ready for anything. Storm coming? Hatchet coming."

Mac:
[Reading a question] "Dennis is asshole. Why Charlie hate"?

Charlie:
I don't think I wrote that.

Mac:
You definitely wrote this one, Charlie. Who else would have written this?

Charlie:
I'm not remembering that. I don't think I wrote that one.

Mac:
Of course you did. How many other illiterates are in the...? Just throw out a guess.

Charlie:
Pass.

Mac:
No!

Dennis & Dee:
Pass, pass?

Mac & Frank:
No, he didn't pass, he didn't pass.

Mac:
Just throw out a guess. Any guess, come on.

Charlie:
Pass.

Mac:
Son of a bitch! All right, chance to steal.

Dennis:
[Very eagerly] Because Dennis is a bastard man!!

Charlie:
That's what it is. I definitely wrote that.

Frank:
Put my cage on the bar so I can see.

Dennis:
[Splashes beer in his face] Shut up, dog!

Mac:
Last time we played, Dee got "Emotional Battery," we berated that bitch for, like, two straight hours.

Charlie:
I mean, really personal stuff. Way over the line. The kind of stuff that cuts you to the core, you know.

Mac:
She held it together without a single tear.

Charlie:
Dude, when her two minutes were up, she cried for a month straight.

Mac:
Yeah, it was really sad. Every day, crying all day long. She talked about taking too many pills.

Charlie:
I think she tried to kill herself.

Mac:
She did, she did. I saw it, but I didn't tell you about it.

Dennis:
God dammit Dee! Your back is so boney and crooked and all over the place I can't get a flat surface!

Charlie:
We have to blow the sign off of the building-- you know, maybe I'll do the blowing, that's fine.

Dennis:
Charlie, Charlie, stop, stop, stop, stop. Do you think a human being can blow a sign off of a building?

Charlie:
I didn't until Mac said it.

Mac:
I never said that.

Dennis:
A man cannot blow a sign off of a building.

Mac:
In Charlie's defense, you could loosen the screws, get up there and blow...

Dennis:
We are talking about the Internet. You are derailing the conversation.

Larson:
Mr. Reynolds, Mr. Kelly, I'm detective Larson. I'm gonna need to clear something up on your report here.

Dennis:
It doesn't- yeah, we're good.

Larson:
It says here this was filed as an assault, but the only thing that you're claiming was that... this man shushed you?

Charlie:
Yeah, but... it was an assault.

Larson:
Shushing somebody is not an assault.

Charlie:
There was more to it than...

Dennis:
He- yeah, it wasn't just shushing, though.

Charlie:
Yeah!

Dennis:
And the reason it was an assault was because he was shushing our cries for help.

Charlie:
Right! This guy was raping us.

Dennis:
W-wha-?

Larson:
He was raping you?

Charlie:
Well, yeah- yep.

Detective:
The both of you?

Dennis:
No! No, no, no, no...

Charlie:
(snort) You can't rape two guys, it's the-

Dennis:
I wouldn't even necessarily classify it-

Charlie:
You know, what happened was that he only raped my friend here. I actually shook him off in time, the guy never quite made it inside of me, but my friend here... yeah.

Larson:
So he was only raping you?

Dennis:
Yep.

Charlie:
Yeah, yeah. He, like, really kinda made soup of your insides.

Dennis:
No, no, no. He barely- he barely made it in there, so, trust me, I'm fine.

Charlie:
Yeah, but he bit his dick.

Dennis:
Not- what?! No, he did- he- the reason we were going to file as a- a rape was because the- he did make it inside me, but, like, just barely and the guy was super-small, so I'm fine! And then I did get away. (Larson begins taking notes) Well, don't- don't write any of this down! Y- look, can we just drop the case?

Charlie:
Yeah! We don't need to-

Dennis:
Right? We just need the drawing.

Charlie:
I didn't even think about that, because if we had the drawing, we can find the guy, we can dole out the justice.

Dennis:
And then this never needs to go in any files, anywhere!

Frank on video:
So spread this video to all of your friends, because it's a computer virus. Take it from me. I am a doctor. Dr.Toboggan. Mantis Toboggan.

Charlie:
Okay, I cannot see the driver's face, but the subject appears to have pointed feet of some kind. Okay, I'm repeating here. He has pointed feet, so careful now.

Dennis [on walkie talkie]:
What does that mean? What does that mean?

Mac:
He's wearing cowboy boots.

Frank:
Deandra, your breath is dog shit.

Dee:
A whole bunch of tickets to The Jay Leno Show.

Dennis:
Who cares?

Dee:
No. Listen to me. Who wants to see Jay Leno 15, 16 times?

Dennis:
No one. No one wants to see him once.

Dennis:
Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch, I am not getting hogtied over your lack of grace.

Dee:
I hope they hogtie you. And then I hope the rape you in their basement for ten years.

Charlie:
Yeah, give me a chip.

Mac:
No, you're not getting the chips. The chips are off the table, okay?

Charlie:
I want a chip!

Mac:
Don't bring up the chips.

Charlie:
Give me a chip!

Mac:
He wants chips, and I asked him in the store, Dennis, you were there. I said, "Charlie, do you want a bag of chips?" He said, "No, I don't want chips." If you wanted the goddamn chips, you should have gotten the goddamn chips at the hamburger store!

Dennis:
Frank! Little girl coming your way.

Frank:
I'm gonna whip this little bitch in the face if she makes a a peep.

Dee:
It was weird that they were Asian, right?

The Gang:
Yeah yeah

Mac (shouting):
OH, GREAT AND ANGRY GOD, I COMMAND THEE TO SMITE MY FRIENDS!!!

Dennis:
Sir Mix-A-Lot was not talking about women whose backs have recovered from a horrific spinal disorder.

Adriano:
Didn't you also give everybody ringworm?

Mac:
No! No, that was a rumor, I only gave ringworm to Charlie. I- I got it from my dog, Poppins, and then Charlie and I were wrestling every day because we were trying out for the wrestling team, and then... you know, we just sort of passed it back and forth.

Charlie:
Yeah, we passed it back and forth. Although, then we did try out for the wrestling team, and then I do think a couple of the guys got it on the team. So yeah, you're right. You're right.

Adriano:
Wow. Yeah no, that is really gross. Yeah, that is about as low as it gets.

Dee:
They probably still have it 'cause they're so gay together!

Adriano:
Totally. Hey, Dee, why don't you come back to our table? You know, have a drink?

Dee:
Oh yeah, sure, that sound cool. See you later, Dirtgrub and Ronnie the Rat. Hope you suck each others' rotten peckers until you get mouth cancer! (whispers to Mac and Charlie) For some reason, homophobia- it's just awesome to these guys.

Tim:
Anyhow, I saw you standing over here alone. I wanted to invite you over to our table.

Dennis:
Oh, I won't be going anywhere with you, Tim.

Tim:
Okay, why?

Dennis:
Don't you play coy with me, you little bitch. I'm going to stay right here and I'm going to wait for my minions to swarm me, and swarm they will, Tim. Alone you'll be. Ha. Such sad little... games we play, right, Tim?

Tim:
Right. Same old Dennis Reynolds, heh. You look good, Nicki.

Frank:
Thank you, Tim! Thank you. Seems like a nice guy.

Dennis:
He's not. Go! Go away from me!

Mac:
Jesus Christ! Dennis, you're coming in hot!

Dennis:
I am the king of the minions, not Tim Murphy, not that jerkoff Adri- jerkoff! (opens a compartment in his car)

Frank:
What the hell are you doing, man?

Dennis:
She rejected me! Me, Frank! Me, the coolest guy in the history of this goddamn school! Oh, they're all gonna pay! THEY'RE ALL GONNA PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE!

Charlie:
Whoa!

Mac:
Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?

Dennis:
TOOLS! Tools, this is uh- duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!

Charlie:
...W-Why do you have a bunch of, like, weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?

Dennis:
Ffffetish, fetish shit! I-I-I- I like to bind, I like to be bound! I- uh... that's not important! D- don't ask me questions, I'm not taking questions, the golden god is not taking questions, I AM THE GOLDEN GOD! I-I'm taking action, I gotta go-

Mac:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second, Dennis, wait a second. I think we can help you, dude.

Dennis:
Yeah?

Mac:
Yeah, we can help each other. We both want the same thing... revenge.

Charlie:
You're gonna be our new Psycho Pete, pal... and guess what? The freight train's back in service!

Mac:
Let's get nuts in that school. Let's get crazy, alright? Come on, let's get some revenge here!