Misfits, Series 2

Curtis:
It's wind-up. Who uses a paper aeroplane?

Kelly:
Well, whoever it is, they're going to get a slap.

Simon:
I... I don't think you should slap them.

Curtis:
To her that's saying hello. [Alisha chuckles]

Kelly:
Are you trying to say something, yeah?

Curtis:
No.

Nathan:
[wakes up in coffin with all Misfits around him] AAAAAAAAH!!!!

Curtis:
What the fuck!?

Nathan:
Haha! You should see the looks on your faces. Classic!

Kelly:
So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad??

Nathan:
I appear to have shat myself.

Alisha:
Were you having a wank in there?

Nathan:
So what if I was? A man can't enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It's not like I was expectin' visitors.

Nathan:
I need to eat. Has anyone got a kebab?

Simon:
D'you want some chewing gum?

Nathan:
Tutti frutti?

Simon:
I like it.

Kelly:
[to Curtis] You hit him again, I'll kick your balls back into your stomach, mate.

Nathan:
[comes out of toilet] It's all hot cross buns and Easter Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.

Simon:
We should set up a password that we can say to each other so we know it's us.

Nathan:
“Monkey slut”!

Alisha:
We're not having “monkey slut” as a password.

Nathan:
What are the chances of that being brought up in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no?

Kelly:
Just go with it. “Monkey slut”.

Nathan:
Can we please stop killing our probation workers?

Simon:
You expect me to tell you anything after how you've treated me? All the names you've called me?

Nathan:
What names?

Simon:
Weird kid. Panty sniffer. Virgin. Freak. Twat. Pervert. Paedophile. Melon fucker. ...I just want to be your friend.

Nathan:
Sure, man.

Nathan:
C'mon, man. Be serious. That requires an inhuman level of self-restraint that no man is capable of. The siren call of the blow-job renders all men powerless.

Alisha:
[commenting on Nathan's impalement on a pipe] Does that hurt?

Nathan:
Only when I breathe - eeeeeeerrrrgh.

Nathan:
The bad news is, the mental girl, she knows the password. “Monkey slut” is blown.

Simon:
[affected by Alisha's power] I wanna rub my cock in your hairy armpit!

Alisha:
Happy now?

Nathan:
Cock. Armpit. It wasn't pretty.

Nathan:
[Simon gets hit] Barry!!!

Nathan:
Don't worry about me. I'll just die... again.

Lucy:
Do you really think they're going to be friends with someone like you?

Simon:
[nods] For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong. I've never been this happy.

Lucy:
You should have visited me.

Simon:
I couldn't go back to the unit. I can't go back.

Lucy:
It's where you belong.

Simon:
I'm not that person any more. I like who I am now. Don't take that away from me.

Nathan:
That stuff I said about your... huge vagina. I didn't mean it. I'm sure it's a beauty.

Kelly:
It's stuff you say all the time. It's just who you are.

Nathan:
[Simon lifts freezer to show Sally dead] Hmm... So sad.... Oh, hey, man - Cornettos!!

Nathan:
I'm gonna join the circus. They can throw knives at me - people pay good money to see that shit. And then I'm making serious cash. And where the cash goes, the pussy follows. No offence, ladies.

Nathan:
I haven't got a brother. I'm a classic example of an only child.

Nathan:
I'm gonna take a shit on his bed.

Alisha:
What?!

Simon:
I don't think you should do that.

Nathan:
We need to send a message. Let him know he can't fuck with us.

Curtis:
And how does taking a shit in his bed do that?

Nathan:
They did it in The Godfather.

Simon:
They put a horse's head in the bed.

Nathan:
Well, have you got a horse's head?

Mike:
Why did you hit me?

Nathan:
Because I panicked, alright? Don't make a big deal out of it!

Jamie:
Tell him.

Nathan:
OK, look. I know it's too late for me and you. I get that. I've known you didn't give a shit ever since you left me in IKEA with that paedophile!

Mike:
What paedophile?!

Nathan:
My eighth birthday! IKEA? The guy with the Swedish meatballs?

Mike:
I don't remember that!

Nathan:
How very convenient.

Mike:
It's just the thing about the guy that was seeing your mum, uh, you said was trying to, uh, sexually abuse you!

Nathan:
No, no, no, I made that up! This is something else! IKEA paedophile! Jesus, meatballs!

Nathan:
This isn't about who was or wasn't trying to sexually abuse me, right? It's about you and Jamie. Look, so I'm pretty much a complete write off. That's fine! Whatever...

Mike :
Nathan...

Nathan:
And so he hit you with a toaster, and kidnapped you, but you know what they say? Don't fuck a wounded bear!

Mike:
Jamie's dead!

Nathan:
[scoffs] He's standing right there!

Mike:
What? He's dead, son! He was in a car. It caught fire. I've just had to go and identify his body. [telephone rings] Look, this is his mother. I've gotta talk to her.

Nathan:
You're dead?

Jamie:
Yeah.

Nathan:
So how come I can see you?

Jamie:
I guess it's 'cause you're immortal?

Nathan:
No, no, this isn't happening! No, no, no, I can fix this! How do I fix this?

Jamie:
You can't.

Nathan:
I don't want you to die, mate!

Jamie:
It wasn't down to you. So don't go all mental about it. To be honest, it's not so bad!

Nathan:
So, if you're dead, what am I doing here, exactly?

Jamie:
I wanted you to sort things out with dad.

Nathan:
Look, no offence, but I think it's gonna take more than you dying to fix years of resentment, missed birthdays and all that dysfunctional bullshit, but it was a lovely thought!

Shaun:
Right. Put all this shit in that skip.

Curtis:
Would it kill you to dress it up a bit?

Shaun:
Put all this shit in that skip, please.

Nathan:
Sometimes I wonder if you take this job entirely seriously.

Shaun:
I'm 100% committed to your ongoing rehabilitation. It occupies my every waking minute. [leaves]

Kelly:
Er, where are you going?

Shaun:
For a coffee and a Danish.

Nathan:
Smug bastard.

Curtis:
I know this gonna sound weird and crap, but... I feel like I know you.

Nikki:
You feel like you know me! You smooth bastard. We can help yourself. [lifts her skirt up] Just pull my knickers up when you're done. I'll order a pizza.

Curtis:
Are you always such a bitch?

Nikki:
Are you always such a weird twat?

Nathan:
[affected by Vince's power] I wanna know everything there is to know about you.

Simon:
Like what?

Nathan:
Anything.

Simon:
I... I just bought the Battlestar Galactica DVD box set.

Alisha:
I've never thank you. I wanted you to know. Thanks.

Simon:
Why are you being so nice to me?

Alisha:
I can be nice. Sometimes. Look, if I've ever been a bitch to you, ...I'm sorry.

Simon:
I've never thought you're a bitch. Sometimes I think it's difficult for beautiful girls. People don't see past their looks.

Alisha:
Were you sniffing my knickers?

Future Simon:
You think I risked my life travelling through the dimensions of time so I could sniff your knickers?

Future Simon:
It's gonna be alright. I should know. I'm from the future.

Curtis:
I need to find Alisha. We had a big fight.

Nathan:
Hey, man. Love hurts, OK. It chews you up and spits you out... [looks at Simon] like a big ball of mucus.

Simon:
[to Vince] Remove the tattoos, or I open the nuts.

Curtis:
He stabs me and you're offering him peanuts?

Simon:
Nuts are his kryptonite... like in Superman!

Alisha:
Do we become famous?

Future Simon:
Do you want to be famous?

Alisha:
It's got to be better than picking up litter.

Future Simon:
Sometimes I think that was the best time of my life.

Future Simon:
Are you jealous?

Alisha:
[embarrassed] Shut up.

Future Simon:
I like it that you're jealous.

Kelly:
I'm not being funny, yeah, but, is this doing anything for you?

Nathan:
Well, you know I'm a guy. We're really not that fussy.

Kelly:
It just feels all wrong, like I'm doing it with my cousin or something.

Nathan:
I just realised I haven't died this week.

Simon:
It's only Thursday. There's still time.

Nathan:
Now why would you say something like that? Twat!

Simon:
So you don't love me any more?

Nathan:
OK. So I loved you. Big deal.

Simon:
I think we should talk about it.

Curtis:
I so wanna hear this.

Nathan:
[to Simon] If we'd have... [whistles], that would've been the best sex you've ever had. Correction. That would've been the only sex you've ever had.

Kelly:
Do you ever get embarrassed of anything?

Nathan:
Not really, no.

Curtis:
Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.

Kelly:
What do we do if he does find out?

Simon:
We kill him. [smiles] I'm joking.

Nathan:
[chuckles] You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell, I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight: I'm the funny guy round here.

Ollie:
It's OK. I've had some training in conflict resolution.

Nathan:
This should be entertaining.

Nathan:
Hey no, it's OK. He's fine, he's over there!

Curtis:
I don't see him.

Nathan:
Oh. Then that must be his ghost, which means he's not at all OK, on account of him being dead.

Nathan:
[to Ollie's ghost] Hey, fuck you!

Curtis:
What was that?

Alisha:
He just got shot in the face and you're insulting him?

Nathan:
He made an obscene gesture. I don't care if he's dead. There's no excuse for rudeness.

Nathan:
Oh come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.

Simon:
You're immortal.

Nathan:
...Better him than one of you.

Nathan:
It's a cruel senseless waste. [Shaun sighs] A young man taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he's gone forever. [Shaun sighs] So maybe we should have the rest of the week off, you know, to cry, and grieve, and remember our dear friend... [pauses to try to remember Ollie's name]

Simon:
Ollie.

Nathan:
Ollie! Dear, beautiful Ollie.

[later on]

Nathan:
Heartless bastard.

Nathan:
I think I speak for all of us when I say we're lazy and incompetent. We're practically handicapped!

Nikki:
Errr. You just tell me I've inherited the power to teleport from the guy whose heart was transplanted into me, and now you're just going to walk off and leave it at that? Well, fuck you very much!

Curtis:
How do you wanna leave it?

Nikki:
Very least you could do is ask me out for a drink.

Simon:
He thinks I'm Conti.

Nathan:
Why does he think that?

Simon:
Because you told him I was!

Nathan:
Did I? Sorry man.

Simon:
You want me to buy you a drink?

Nathan:
I have never paid for a drink from this machine before, and I don't intend to start now.

Nathan:
Oh, Jesus. He's going to shoot her and he's going to kill her! I told you he was dangerous! All right, everybody, calm down! Just think! Think and keep calm.

Shaun:
Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.

Nathan:
No, no, no. I said, er, “Let's have a big wank.” Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.

Nathan:
A bunch of young offenders develop superpowers, and not one of us thinks of using them to commit crime? Shame on us!

Nathan:
We're already criminals. I'm talking about becoming successful criminals. You know, the ones who make money, and don't get caught, and have girlfriends with enormous breast implants.

Kelly:
Nice one. Brilliant fuckin' rescue!

Curtis:
We've split up, all right?

Nathan:
[to Alisha] So you're available?

Alisha:
Not to you.

Nikki:
You!

Nathan:
Hi. Sorry about, uh, you know.

Nikki:
Shitting in my bed?

Nathan:
Yeah. Wrong flat.

Future Simon:
It has to be like this.

Alisha:
Why?

Future Simon:
So we can be together.

Alisha:
No, I won't let you die.

Future Simon:
You have to, or I'll never be this person.

Alisha:
You can't die. I love you.

Future Simon:
I'll still be here.

Alisha:
No, I don't love him. I love you!

Future Simon:
It's you falling in love with him that makes him become me. It's all coming together.

Kelly:
That's what happens when blokes spend all their time playing computer games and wanking over porn on the Internet.

Simon:
...Right.

Nathan:
...Oh, come on, if that was me bent over wearing a lovely pair of knickers, you're telling me you wouldn't treat yourself to a good eyeful?

Jessica:
Piss off, you pervert!

Nathan:
Okayy, but you know you would...

Nathan:
You don't want to me mess with me, man. I do that cage fightin' shit. I've killed a Chinese man with my bare hands! Oh, yeah. Who's scared now, huh?

Alisha:
What are you listening to?

Simon:
Echo & the Bunnymen.

Alisha:
Never heard of them. [Simon gives her the earphone] Thanks... This is really depressing.

Simon:
Have you got any enemies?

Nathan:
No. I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone wanna kill me?

Curtis:
I can think of a few reasons.

Alisha:
Definitely.

Kelly:
Shitloads.

Simon:
...You annoy people.

Alisha:
Why don't you go and suck yourself off?

Nathan:
I wish I could. I can never reach it.

Nathan:
'Cause, if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.

Kelly:
This is why people kill you.

Nathan:
Come on, man It all adds up. Do the maths.

Simon:
There is no maths.

Nathan:
Right. She was here, plus no one else was around; times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked; divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty!

Simon:
That means absolutely nothing.

Simon:
So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?

Alisha:
That's not what we're saying!

Nathan:
Isn't it? I thought that's exactly what we were saying.

Nathan:
So, who'd have thunk [thought] it, eh? You know, you and me teaming up on something like this.

Alisha:
This is about the least weird thing that's happened to me recently.

Nathan:
So, why are you here? It's not like you and him are big pals.

Alisha:
What, and you are? Why are you here?

Nathan:
Well, maybe I like him more than I let on.

Alisha:
Yeah, well, maybe I do to.

Nathan:
The little bastard gets under your skin, doesn't he?

Nathan:
She's like one of those evil bitch spiders. They lure you into their web, they shag ya, then they kill ya, and then they eat their own faeces.

Nikki:
If I had your power, I'd wait until I was cumming, and I'd rewind a couple of seconds, and just... hover in the moment.

Nathan:
You know what? You were right, man. I was jealous. I'm jealous of your, er..., neat hair and your... the strange staring that the ladies seem to love so much. And I hope that you and, er...

Simon:
Jessica.

Nathan:
Jessica. Lovely, lovely Jessica. I hope you'll be very happy together.

Simon:
You'll find your own girlfriend.

Nathan:
Already got one, mate.

Simon:
Who is she?

Nathan:
Mo... nique... ca. [clears throat] She's French.

Nathan:
It's a fancy-dress party. It's dark. You'll all be wearing masks. It's the perfect opportunity to commit murder. And incest!

Nathan:
Does anyone else feel like a total cunt?

Nathan:
[referring to Jessica] Nice costume.

Alisha:
Errr, she looks like a slut.

Nathan:
Yeah. Cute, slutty, murdering psychopath.

Nikki:
Hey, I've just been thinking about you.

Curtis:
What're you doing?

Nikki:
I don't want to get cum on my dress, it's dry clean only.

Bruno:
Do you understand now? I just wanted to be human. It was all worth it, to be with you.

Nathan:
Why's a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?

Kelly:
I meet a guy I really like, and he's a fucking monkey.

Nathan:
Well technically he was a gorilla, but, you... you know, let's not go there.

Alisha:
It's fine. Must be nice having a girlfriend you can actually shag.

Simon:
Jessica isn't a psychopathic killer. She's a virgin.

Nathan:
I knew there was something wrong with her!

Simon:
There isn't any more.

Nathan:
I'm proud of you, man! [chuckles] Oh! Ah. And I will expect to hear every disgusting detail.

Simon:
Maybe this is what it feels likes to be a superhero.

Nathan:
I think it might take more than you getting laid to turn you into a superhero.

Nathan:
Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names. [to himself] Captain Invincible! [looks at Curtis] Mr Backwards!

Curtis:
I sound retarded.

Nathan:
[turns to Simon] The Invisible Cunt.

Simon:
Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?

Nathan:
'Cause you just are, man.

Alisha:
What are they going to do to us?

Simon:
They'll treat us like freaks. They'll lock us up in a secret military facility and conduct experiments on us.

Nathan:
Hey, no one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.

Kelly:
What are we gonna do?

Simon:
We have to go into hiding. We assume new identities. We break off all connection with our family and friends. We wear disguises and only go out after dark.

Laura (their manager):
Right. Is there anything I need to know?

Nathan:
I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks lose. I tripled myself.

Laura:
I'm not familiar with that term.

Nathan:
You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.

Kelly:
Fuck's sake!

Nathan:
Three bodily functions. Doing the triple. [Curtis sighs] You're telling me that's never happened to you?

Curtis:
No!

Nathan:
Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.

Alisha:
I don't think she's ever forgetting you.

Laura:
Anyone else?

Kelly:
I shagged a monkey.

Nathan:
Technically, it was a gorilla.

Alisha:
Be nice to him [Curtis], yeah?

Nikki:
I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.

Alisha:
[to Simon] You think you're surprised? Imagine being me! You're still you, but you're different.

Alisha:
You said if you didn't come back and die, you wouldn't become the person you needed to be.

Simon:
It's like in Terminator, when John Connor sends Kyle Reece back in time so that he can be his father.

Nathan:
How do I look?

Curtis:
Like a prick in a suit.

Nathan:
[points to Curtis] That's sexual jealousy, because of my prowess as a lover.

Nikki:
Is it true you shit yourself when you die?

Nathan:
That only happened once. And I've got a bucket standing by, just in case.

Nikki:
Do you want that [pizza]? Just lost my appetite...

Curtis:
No, I'm lactose intolerant.

Nathan:
Does that mean you're afraid of cows?

Nathan:
[looks behind him] So that boys and girls is how you shoot yourself in the head. I don't recommend you try this at home.

Simon:
I just want you to know... being here with all of you, it's been the best time of my life.

Nathan:
Y'know, apart from all the killing and the dying and stuff, this community service really wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

Nathan:
[to Simon] I think I liked you better when you suffered from a crippling shyness.

Nathan:
Well maybe I'm a multimillionare who just chooses to live in a community centre.

Kelly:
Twenty fuckin' grand!

Simon:
You sold your powers?

Kelly:
Yeah mate.

Simon:
You shouldn't be doing this. We were given them for a reason!

Nikki:
And what reason's that?

Curtis:
I'll give you twenty thousand reasons for getting rid of 'em!

Simon:
It's like in Superman II when Superman gives up his powers so that he can be with Lois Lane.

Kelly:
And?

Simon:
General Zod took over the world!

Curtis:
That's totally relevant, except there ain't no General Zod, and that's twenty thousand pounds. Later.

Nathan:
I met this little fella at a party on the estate.

Alisha:
What. And you went with him?

Nathan:
Well let's just say I didn't not go with him. Hey, I was very drunk, and he had his cock and balls taped into his arse crack. So from where I was kneeling it looked like a bald little pussy.

Luke:
Jesus. I... I shot someone

Elliot:
You did what!?

Luke:
She was just a girl. I killed her!

Elliot:
Are you sorry? ... Then God forgives you.

Luke:
Seriously? Just like that?

Elliot:
Just like that. Everything bad you've ever done. All the stealing, drugs and masturbating. Don't worry about it. You're forgiven.

Curtis:
I need my power back.

Seth:
That's not going to be possible.

Curtis:
What're you talking about?

Seth:
I don't have it.

Curtis:
What d'you mean, you don't have it?

Seth:
I sold it to an old Jewish guy. He said he wanted to rewind time and kill Hitler. You've got to admire his ambition.

Kelly:
You either get him his power back, or I'm going to start kicking you in the balls.

Nathan:
Yeah, I've seen her do it. You won't enjoy it one little bit.

Kelly:
He couldn't fuck his way out of a paper bag mate.

Nathan:
Look at him. He's got the body of a small malnourished prepubescent child.

Alisha:
Where are you going?

Simon:
I'm going to kill Jesus.

Alisha:
And I'm coming with you.

Kelly:
You can't go around pretending to be Jesus. What's God going to say?

Marnie:
You haven't even got a beard!

Elliot:
Hey! I gave my life to Him. I went without money and sex. What a joke! I preached and prayed, and no-one gave a shit. You do a few miracles, everyone thinks you're the messiah. Have you seen that lot out there? I've given their lives... meaning.

Nathan:
I'm sorry. Would you mind getting her to stop? That's very distracting.

Curtis:
One of your followers killed my girlfriend.

Simon:
You're exploiting the vulnerable.

Kelly:
You're taking money of people.

Alisha:
Intentionally assaulting girls.

Elliot:
Hey, that's the Catholic Church for you.

Nathan:
Hey, he's got a point. When I was growing up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddling with you, you were one of the ugly kids.

Nathan:
We may have done sod all with our powers, but at least we never abused them. We never raped or murdered anyone!

Curtis:
[Referring to Alisha] She raped me, and we killed loads of people.

Nathan:
...Okay, but we're the good guys!

Elliot:
If the mountain won't come to Mohammed...

Nathan:
Now he's starting on the Muslims!

Neophyte:
Our Lord has sacrificed Himself, again.

Kelly:
He's not Jesus! He's just a dickhead with a few super powers.

Neophyte:
Super powers? Do you really expect me to believe that?