Misfits, Series 3

Rudy Two:
She must totally knocker w you back.

Rudy:
She's playing hard to get, mate.

Rudy Two:
She's out of your league. She's laughing her arse off at you. You can't go back in there. You gonna have to... Oh, climb through the window! Just go. C'mon.I'm

Rudy:
No! You'd love that, wouldn't you? Why don't I just go home and spend the rest of the night torturing myself about things I did when I was like 14?ew

Rudy Two:
You mean the thing with the neighbor's cat?wow w

Rudy:
No! We do not talk about that! Right?

Rudy Two:
Where are you going?

Rudy:
Just fuck the fuck off.

Rudy:
[Tanya froze time and bottled Rudy and put the bottle in Curtis' hand] You've... you've bottled me!

Curtis:
What are you talking about?!

Rudy:
This man just bottled me!

Curtis:
I didn't do anything to you!

Rudy:
[to Charlie] Me face! Am I still, am I still gorgeous?

Alisha:
Why do we always have to get involved? Can't we just do normal stuff that normal people do, like... go for brunch?

Kelly:
What the fuck is brunch?

Rudy:
[after running from the cops with Simon and Kelly] I've got to stop smoking and doing loads of speed, me.

Kelly:
[Curtis shows up] I thought they had you.

Curtis:
No. I got away. I... [looks at Rudy] I did my thing.

Rudy:
Ah! If that's some sort of vague reference to all this "power" bullshit, then don't worry, cause I am cool and the gang with all that. [to Simon] You're very starey.

Rudy:
The probation worker's looking for you.

Tanya:
And why's that?

Rudy:
Because he seems to be under the impression that you've stolen a dog-shaped charity box, on account of him having found it in your locker. Mm! You fuck with me, I'll fuck with you right back with a cherry on top.

Rudy:
[a cop car pulls up behind them] Don't get upset, but this isn't exactly my car.

Simon:
Whose car is it?

Rudy:
Nicked it off a man with a perm. A man, with a perm. What's that about?

Kelly:
We can't get caught in no nicked car. We're all on probation.

Rudy:
Maybe they'll let you off with a warning, love. [skip to them all in the jumpsuits looking at Rudy] Honestly, guys... I thought they'd let you off with a warning.

Shaun:
[walks in clapping] That didn't take you long, did it? Congratulations.

Shaun:
[seeing Rudy and Rudy Two] Who the fuck is this?

Rudy:
It's my auntie. Who do you think he is?

Shaun:
What, you've got a twin brother?

Rudy:
Nowt's getting past you, is it, today? Check out the big brains on the probation worker here.

Shaun:
Why's her wearing a jumpsuit?

Rudy:
Because... sometimes I do my community service, sometimes he does it. We like to mix things up.

Rudy Two:
It keeps it interesting.

Shaun:
This isn't a job share. Whoever does the crime, does the boring, mindless shit.

Rudy:
I have a question, right? What if we we're conjoined twins, yeah, with our heads? They're all mashed together, and we go out in the town, for a few beers, some bloke sees us and he's like, "Oi! You two-headed fuck!" He flips out, goes mental and batters the guy. Who does the community service then? Because they, they are conjoined with one massive head but with two personalities.

Shaun:
Well, we'll come to that bridge when we come to it.

Rudy:
All right.

Shaun:
I'm going to pretend like I never saw this, because I really can't be arsed. Just make sure one of you turns up. [leaves]

Curtis:
[in disbelief] Oh man. That's insane.

Rudy:
The old conjoined twins mind fuck works every time. Doesn't it?

Shaun:
There's an anger management counselor here for you.

Rudy:
For me? [gives Simon a look]

Shaun:
Yeah. It's all part of your "ongoing rehabilitation." [to Simon] Did you have the last Twix?

Simon:
Yes. [Shaun grabs it from him] She's waiting for you in my office. Enjoy. [leaves]

Rudy:
For fuck's sake. It wasn't even me, it was him.

Simon:
Who?

Rudy:
Who do you think? [points to his chest] This whiny little prick in here. The other me. I was seeing this girl, right. Nice girl, Dutch-Irish. Had a webbed foot. Left foot, fine. Right foot, just a little bit creepy. Might have been the other way around. Anyway, so we have this great big row, we end up breaking up. Honestly, I weren't that bothered. Cause there's plenty more fish in the sea and all that. She couldn't wear flip-flops. Because of the web, she had no toe-groove. Anyway, so we split up. You know, she's really angry, starts running her mouth off, all gets a little bit personal. Honestly, dude, I were fine with it, mate. Not him. He starts getting himself all upset, ends up trashing her car, she rang the police. Boom.

Simon:
So that's why you're on community service?

Rudy:
Yes! Y-Yes. He did it, I took the rap. I'm totally innocent. Mmm. Yes. We should write a campaign song. Do some wristbands. You, you're very clever, aren't you, eh?

Rudy:
This is such bullshit.

Rudy Two:
[about anger management counselor] She's onto you. I think she knows.

Rudy:
She doesn't know anything.

Rudy Two:
She knows you're a bedwetter.

Rudy:
I'm not a bedwetter! I haven't done that in years.

Rudy Two:
Haven't you?

Rudy:
Now, listen, that was one time. And I was drunk. Right? And everybody does that anyway, so it's different.

Rudy Two:
We should go back in. She's making some good points, man.

Rudy:
No, I'm not having you in here. [points to his chest] You're popping out every time she gets personal. You can wait for me outside.

Alisha:
You're wanking, on your own, in a cupboard?

Curtis:
We used to do it.

Alisha:
Yeah, and it was weird then.

Curtis:
I never heard you complaining.

Simon:
[enters] What's going on? [looks at Curtis and smiles] Have you been wanking?

Curtis:
Do you want to say it a bit louder? [Alisha chuckles and Simon starts to look at her]

Alisha:
[to Simon] What?

Simon:
Why are you here?

Alisha:
What, you think I was watching him wank?

Simon:
...That's what you used to do.

Alisha:
I'm not getting into this. It's too weird. [leaves]

Alisha:
Kelly. That's Kelly.

Simon:
It's a body-swap. They must've switched places.

Rudy:
Oh, my God. This is like that film with Nicolas Cage in. Face/Off.

Simon:
Face/Off wasn't a body-swap. They had surgery to look like each other.

Rudy:
Oh.

Simon:
This is more like Freaky Friday.

Alisha:
Who gives a shit? What are we going to do about Kelly?

Simon:
[talking about a one-night stand of Rudy's] So are you going to call her?

Rudy One:
No, and I'll tell you why: When you buy a dog, right, you know that one day, the dog, it'll grow old and it'll die and oh, you're just gonna be heartbroken, you loved that dog, it was just a cheeky little scamp. Here's an idea, don't buy the fucking dog! Save everyone the bastard hassle. It's better to make her cry a little bit now, than break her heart in three years when she's in love with me and we've bought a bunch of shitty furniture together; it's just the humane thing to do, isn't it?

Simon:
It's like a zombie film.

Rudy:
Never watched one, mate. I'm more of an ET man, me. I fucking love that little cunt- [Curtis covers his mouth]

Rachel:
Will someone please tell me why I'm here?

Alisha:
Really?! You'd better not be here to fuck with us again.

Rachel:
Sorry about the whole brainwashing thing. Got a bit carried away.

Rudy:
Hey, don't sweat it. It's fine.

Curtis:
You weren't even there!

Rudy:
Yeah, I know, but you forgive and you forget, man. And I forgive you.

Rachel:
For what?

Rudy:
For whatever it was they were talking about.

Simon:
What's it like? Being dead.

Rachel:
Well, the big news is there's no God.

Rudy:
Ohh, ho-ho! Thank fuck for that! I might've done one or two things that weren't exactly... Christian in the strictest sense of the word.

Rachel:
Well, none of it matters anyway, so...

Rudy:
Yeah, if there's no God. That's a result.

Tony:
What are you doing?

Rudy:
We are relaxing.

Tony:
Haven't head office sent another probation worker to replace Sally?

Curtis:
Yeah, they sent someone. Got stabbed to death by a coma girl who body-swapped with Kelly.

Kelly:
[shrugs] Shit happens.

Curtis:
The one they sent to replace him, she got attacked by a zombie cheerleader. [points to Rudy] He battered her to death with a baseball bat.

Rudy:
Mmm. She had a shocker of a day.

Tony:
What happened to the vending machine?

Rudy:
Oh, that's a funny thing, that. I was carrying the fire extinguisher and I tripped and fell into it, repeatedly.

Simon:
I'm going to make a girl fall in love with me.