Mystery Science Theater 3000, Season 8

[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]

Mike [as George Taylor]:
A planet where apes evolved from men?

Professor Bobo:
Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes.

Mike [as George Taylor]:
You did it! You finally did it!

Professor Bobo:
[apathetic] "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes.

Mike [as George Taylor]:
It's a madhouse! A...

Professor Bobo:
...madhouse. I know!

[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]

Servo:
Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator.

Servo:
Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item?

[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]

Mike [as The Gill Man]:
[In time with the dramatic music] Here I am! I'm the Creature!

Servo:
Boy, Esther Williams didn't age well.

[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]

Crow:
This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie.

[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]

Miss Abbott:
Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All - right.

Servo [as Miss Abbott]:
And... evolve.

[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]

Crow [as a New Yorker]:
Does he got a thing?

[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]

Crow:
Everybody's drifting over to the "World of Barnacles" exhibit.

[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]

Servo:
Jeez, the Mengele Institute for Marine Research!

[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]

Police Captain:
Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!

Mike [as Police Captain]:
The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!

[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]:

Crow:
It's a Rorschach test.

Mike:
I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns.

Servo:
That means you're a sexual predator.

[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]

Malla:
When we are alone, I will speak.

Crow [as Dr. Talbot]:
Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]

Crow [as Guide]:
Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away.

[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]

Crow [as Lion]:
Um... hakuna matata?

. . .

[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]

Servo:
I see - it's a three room Japanese apartment.

[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]

Neil:
Teri... would you marry me?

[Teri pulls away.]

Mike [as Neil]:
Uh... uh... I withdraw the question.

Teri:
Oh, Neil - I can't.

Servo [as Teri]:
Starfleet forbids it.

[During one of the many "African" scenes.]

Mike:
Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists.

[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]

Crow:
This guy's gonna die of nonchalance.

Mike:
This is like a murderous episode of Lucy.

[The film begins with an introduction from Professor Frank C. Baxter of the University of Southern California.]

Baxter:
This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable.

Mike:
It's a fabulous funny freak-out.

Baxter:
But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over...

Crow:
You'll feel dirty.

Baxter:
You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told.

Servo:
It's a story botched.

Baxter:
It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye.

Mike:
Peanut nostrils happy clams.

[The opening credits scroll out of a huge crater]

Mike:
Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere.

[Dr. Bentley and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara]

Bentley:
We'll make camp here!

Crow T. Robot:
Then we'll dig our graves over there!

Narrator:
For every action...

Mike [as Narrator]:
There is a Jackson.

[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]

Narrator:
Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...

Servo [as Narrator]:
Canada, our mortal enemy.

Narrator:
... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.

Mike [as Narrator]:
The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.

[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]

Crow:
You know what? Screw you Greenland!

[A volcano erupts.]

Servo [as the Menard's Guy]:
It's a magma flow of savings at Menard's!

[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]

Mike:
Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist.

[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]

Crow:
Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge.

[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]

General Ford:
I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...

Crow [as Ford]:
I'm not gay!

Crow [as Col. Parkman]:
But I've got a mantis in my pantis.

Servo:
Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy?

[The movie opens with the title:
The Thing That Couldn't Die.]

Servo:
The Strom Thurmond Story!

Mike:
Couldn't die or wouldn't die?

Crow:
Shouldn't?

[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]

Jessica:
You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.

Servo:
A trade rat?

Jessica:
Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.

Servo [as Jessica]:
…in Maine.

Mike:
You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.

[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]

Mike [as Linda]:
The rats put in a new crystal!

Linda:
It still runs.

Servo [as John Cameron Swayze]:
John Cameron Trade-Rat.

[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]

Gordon:
Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.

Mike [as Gordon]:
He had a little tool and die shop down there.

Servo [as Gordon]:
I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.

[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]

Flavia:
What's that?

Crow:
Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.

[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]

Crow:
[singing] There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!

[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]

Crow:
The whole movie was leading up to this shot.

Mike [as Announcer]:
Brought to you by the Breast Council.

Servo [as Announcer]:
Buy breasts where you work or bank!

[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]

Crow:
Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!

[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]

[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]

Mike:
Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.

. . .

Mike:
This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!

[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]

Quintus:
We breathe as one. We are one.

Servo [as Franklin]:
You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

Quintus:
When I touch you…

Crow [as Quintus]:
I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.

Quintus:
…we will be one.

Servo [as Quintus]:
We'll be me, for convenience' sake.

[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]

Servo:
Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.

Mike:
[cringing] Ohh. Damn you, Servo!

[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]

Servo [as Knight]:
Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?

[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]

Satan:
Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…

Crow [as Satan]:
Route 666!

Satan:
…that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.

Mike [as Satan]:
…to sleeping audience.

. . .

Satan:
Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.

Servo:
[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!

[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]

Mike [as Knight]:
[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue] Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!

Mike:
I've never known more about what isn't going on in a movie.

Quintus:
STAAY!!

{Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin]:

Scientist 1:
Now there's an interesting sample!

Crow:
Now there's an interesting line read!

Scientist 1:
What is it?

Scientist 2:
Don't know yet.

Servo:
Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors.

Claire:
I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown.

Dr. Hedges:
I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind.

Servo [as Hedges]:
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! [N]

Servo:
All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie.

[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]

Mike [as Hedges]:
Now what's going on?

Servo [as Hedges]:
Who's that other guy?

Crow [as Hedges]:
Where are we going?

Mike [as Hedges]:
What is this fluid under my feet?

Servo [as Hedges]:
What happened to the day-ball?

Crow:
Let's chip in and buy this movie a life.

[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]

Mike:
Hey! They whacked Toonces!

Crow:
Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.

Dr. Erling:
Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region?

Crow [as Hedges]:
Genocide?

Mike [as Hedges]:
Slavery?

Servo [as Hedges]:
Diseased blanket spreading?

[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]

Hedges:
Is there a good movie in town?

Mike:
[snorts] Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?

Crow:
Heh heh heh!

[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]

Mike, Crow:
Oh.

[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]

Crow [as Victor/Joe Buck]:
I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.

Mike:
Please! That's a hideous thought.

Servo:
This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in The Age of Innocence!

Crow:
Or was it Sense and Sensibility?

Mike:
I think it was Barfly.

Crow:
Yeah, that's it.

[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]

Barker Johnny:
I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.

Servo:
So she's a carnival preceder.

[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]

Erickson:
Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee.

Andrea:
I'd like that.

Servo [as Erickson]:
Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee?

[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]

Crow [as Erickson/Fuller]:
My first question: will I get the part in This Island Earth?

Erickson:
What year is it, Andrea?

Mike [as Elizabeth]:
[singing] The year of the cat.

Andrea/Elizabeth:
1618, the Year of Our Lord.

Servo [as Elizabeth/Eliza Doolittle]:
In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.

Erickson:
Who is the reigning monarch?

Andrea/Elizabeth:
James Stuart.

Mike [as George Bailey]:
Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too!

[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]

Lombardi:
There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor?

Erickson:
No.

Lombardi:
He did what I told him without a single word.

Mike:
That's because he's a dog!

[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]

Servo:
[gasps] Donald Duck has the Ring of Power!

...

Crow:
Frodo goes snorkling!

[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]

Mike:
See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card."

[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]

Mike:
[singing to the Bonanza theme] We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon...

[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]

Mike:
And the 35-year-old high school students look on.

[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]

Mike [as Tony]:
But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza.

[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]

Crow:
If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep.

[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]

Mike [as Frank]:
[muttering] "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I thinking? It's like 47 miles!

Crow [as Frank]:
I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled-not something I've often thought of.

. . .

Servo:
I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.

[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]

Mike [as Arlene]:
...and I like you because...?

Tony:
I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this.

Crow [as Arlene]:
Because you're a jerk?

Crow:
Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a high school!

[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]

Crow:
Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!

. . .

[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]

Crow:
Judy Garland runs out of pills.

[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]

Servo:
Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.

Mike:
I thought the night belonged to love.

Servo:
Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.

[First lines of the movie]

Man:
Sheriff!

Sheriff [Played by Alan Hale, Jr.]:
Hey, little buddy!

[Mike and the 'bots cheer]

[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]

Olga:
Wait, you forgot your back brace.

[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]

Mike:
Ugh, he's pink!

Servo:
I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!

Crow:
[cheering] Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!

[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]

Servo [as Dan]:
Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!

. . .

Dan:
What the [expletive deleted] hell was that?

Mike [as Dan]:
Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!

Servo, Mike, or Crow[As various people in the mob]:
Packers!

[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]

Crow:
Like a Rock! [N]

[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]

Servo:
Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball.

. . .

[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]

Mike:
And the movie ramps up the revulsion!

Crow:
This movie hates us, doesn't it?

[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]

Ev:
Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.

Crow:
Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!

Dan:
[walks toward window]

Servo:
Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape!

[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]

Crow [as Dan]:
...Aryan...Nation...rules...

Dan:
[excited] Will you look at that!?

Mike [as Dan]:
[excited] I made a [sic] "R"!

[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]

Ev:
You look like you could use a drink.

Servo [as Ev]:
And a shower, and a job.

Dan:
I found another body...

Mike [as Ev]:
Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross.

[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]

Mike:
I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.

[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]

Mike [as Spiders]:
We're your dirty socks! Wash us!

Crow:
Giant Puppet Invasion!

[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]

Servo [as Spider]:
Please - consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!

[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]

Crow [as a mob member]:
Free Bobby Seale!

Servo [as a mob member]:
Free Mumia!

Mike [as a mob member]:
Free beer!

[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]

Crow:
Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual.

[The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.]

Mike:
Hooray for the '70s!

Crow:
Shaun Cassidy for President!

Servo:
We want Billy Beer!

[The title card reads 'parts:
the clonus horror']

Crow:
Apparently e. e. cummings wrote it.

[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]

Crow:
Dick Sargent. Didn't he play Dick York on Bewitched?

[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]

Servo [as Guide]:
This is not sanctioned, gentlemen. You are doing this on your own…

[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]

Lena:
I like it. It gives me time to write.

Richard:
Write?

Lena:
Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.

Crow [as Lena]:
I've already filled a Post-it note.

[Clones Lena and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]

Crow:
Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey!

[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]

Mike [as Richard/Winston Smith]:
Whaddya know - we aren't at war with Eurasia!

. . .

[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]

Crow:
Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!

. . .

Mike [as Richard]:
Black helicopter… Roswell… Area 51… Waco… formula for Coca-Cola…

Jake:
This place you keep talking about, Clonus...

Servo [as Jake]:
Is there a bar?

. . .

Jake:
Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything?

Crow [as Jake]:
Speaking of, where's the bathroom?

[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]

Rick:
You knew about the tape, didn't you?

Jeff:
Yeah. You saw the tape?

Rick:
Yeah, and it's scary.

Crow [as Rick]:
Adam Sandler's in it.

[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]

Servo [as Peter Graves]:
"James Arness: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on Biography.

[As the show opens, the Bots are doing walkathons.]

Mike:
Uh, what about you, Servo?

Servo:
Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".

Mike:
Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.

Servo:
No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the acronym, Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod".

[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]

Mike:
The shroud of David Schwimmer.

. . .

Servo:
Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.

Mike [as zombie]:
You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?

Servo:
He's turning into a brisket.

Crow:
It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child.

. . .

Crow:
He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.

. . .

Crow:
Tom Petty in the morning.

. . .

Crow:
You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.

[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]

Mike:
Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.

[On the music in the opening credits]

Crow:
The organ has emphysema.

. . .

Mike:
Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet.

Servo:
[singing to the "Libby's, Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle] If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it...

Mike:
The music's gonna break into "Chest Fever" any minute.

[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]

Jerry:
The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold-it makes you feel... depressed.

Mike:
Goofus and Gallant, the movie.

Jerry:
How's college?

Madison:
Fine. You should try it some time.

Jerry:
No thanks. The world's my college.

Crow:
He's taking it pass-fail.

[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.]

Mike:
Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.

Servo:
Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.

[The singer and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]

Mike [as Singer]:
First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your…

Mike, Crow [as Chorus]:
Schick out of shape!

Servo:
Now, everybody-shave!

[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]

Servo:
[You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own gravy.

[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]

Jerry:
Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.

Harold:
Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?

Jerry:
[shocked] Job?

Servo [as Jerry]:
I'm a respected neurosurgeon!

[After seeing who played Madison]

Mike:
Madison is, Madison.

[Title card is shown.]

Servo:
...could eat no...frost.

[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]

Mike:
So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!

[As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]

Crow:
Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house.

[Russian names are on the screen.]

Mike:
These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee.

[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]

Nastenka:
Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!

Servo [as Sun]:
And you are…?

Nastenka:
Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.

Mike [as Sun]:
[beeps] This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…

[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]

Servo:
Oh, the world's thrown into chaos - earthquakes, floods - but that's fine; you knit your sock.

. . .

Nastenka:
Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn!

Mike [as Mafia don]:
Some day you'll return the favor...

[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]

Crow:
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast Chicken.

Servo:
Man, Peter must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning.

[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]

Mike:
Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.

. . .

Crow:
If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!

[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]

Crow:
The KGB has her under surveillance!

[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]

Servo:
Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in Narnia!

[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.]

Stepmother:
Nope! Not a princess.

Servo:
She's got that healthy clown glow.

Marfushka:
Oh, no?

Stepmother:
You are a queen!

Mike:
In that you look like Freddie Mercury.

[The Hunchback Fairy has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]

Ivan:
Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!

Fairy:
Are you afraid?

Ivan:
Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!

Mike [as Ivan]:
...the flat part, anyway.

Crow:
So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out?

[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]

Frost's Voice:
Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.

Crow:
Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!

[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]

Random Unknown Voice:
Look who's here!

Servo:
Thank you, Anonymous Voice!

. . .

[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]

Crow:
It's a three-pig open sleigh!

Servo:
On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!

[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]

Servo:
It's…

Mike:
It's…

Crow:
It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators!

. . .

Crow:
It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.

[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]

Hunchback Fairy:
My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!

Crow:
Well, maybe you should have diversified more!

[In the middle of a war, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]

Mrs. Forrester:
(panting) Just what I need!

Bobo:
Medic! Medic!

Observer:
[enter] Here I am!

Mrs. Forrester:
Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal?

Observer:
My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aide. (begins attending to Forrester's wound)

Mrs. Forrester:
...what's that smell?!

Observer:
Oh! Mustard gas!

Mrs. Forrester:
Mustard Gas! Get the masks!

Bobo:
Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of popnids with my knishes for lunch.

Observer:
Good god, ape...

Mrs. Forrester:
That's it, we're pulling out!

[Clanking sound is heard]

Observer:
Hand grenade!

Bobo:
Grenade! I'll save you! [throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]

Mrs. Forrester:
Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast!

Observer:
[looks up] It's a good thing I don't have a body... [flops back down]

[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Tom Servo watch on]

Mike Nelson:
Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda...

Crow:
I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or-

Mike:
[ignoring Crow] ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that...

Tom Servo:
D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike.

Crow:
Just a little too much.

[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]

Mike:
And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired...

Crow:
Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda-

Mike:
[again ignoring Crow]It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that...

Tom Servo:
So! Bombs away, Mike!

Crow:
Okay, Mike! Bombs away!

Mike:
Oh! Right... [Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Tom Servo cheer]

Crow:
Bombs away, Mike!

Tom Servo:
Bombs away! [to Crow] Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper.

Crow:
Is that so?

[Mike reenters without the bomb]

Crow:
Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee...

Mike:
There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction...

Crow:
A little distraction!

[Mike and the bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]

Crow:
[gets back up] Okay...few things, Mike. First, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now?

Tom Servo:
Think so...

Crow:
Second, uh-ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!

[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]

Servo:
[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]

Mike:
Universal, except for you, Ron.

Crow:
You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.

Servo:
Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.

[As the title appears]

Mike:
Hey, the Matthew Broderick story.

Crow:
And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.

[During the opening credits]

Mike:
Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?

. . .

Crow:
Starring rejects from Harry-O.

. . .

Servo:
If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.

Mike:
Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!

. . .

Servo:
Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.

. . .

Servo:
Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?

Crow:
Ah, that gooey LA sky.

Mike:
Birds? Nope. All dead.

[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]

Mike:
The world's most difficult math test.

[A character is spending the scene fiddling with his glasses]

Crow:
Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY!

[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]

Servo [as Mechanic]:
[evilly] They don't call me "Karl" for nothing.

[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]

Sam:
Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.

Crow:
"Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.

Mike [as Sam]:
Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.

Servo [as Sam]:
My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.

Crow [as Sam]:
My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours-

Mike, Servo:
Ugh- Crow!

. . .

[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]

Mike [as Sam]:
Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.

Crow:
You said I was bad.

Mike:
You inspired me.

[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]

Crow [as Buffalo Bill]:
Dukes of Hazzard got renewed!

[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]

Mike [as Denby]:
Cupcake! Get Twinkie the Kid and Fruitpie the Magician!

[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]

Mike:
Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.

Crow:
Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts

Servo:
Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.

. . .

[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]

Mike [as Adam]:
Solid balsawood, baby!

. . .

[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]

Adam:
This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.

Mike:
The judo range?

. . .

Servo [as Adam]:
Meet me at the karate rink later.

. . .

[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]

Adam:
Judo range!

Crow [as Adam]:
Then go practice your skeet kendo and bring your aikido rifle, too.

Mike [as Student]:
Gotta get into my judo bikini.

Adam:
You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz?

Crow:
And hula hoops and dungarees?

Adam:
Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!

Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]:
I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]

Crow:
Mike, why were you choking the monkey?

Mike:
Because Bobo is such...HEY!!

[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]

Ava :
Are you coming, or do I swim alone?

Crow [as Adam]:
Yes, and yes.

[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]

Crow:
This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % [bleep]ing not guilty. And if you [bleep]s don't [bleep] find him innocent, then you can just [bleep]ing kiss my fat [bleep]ing [bleep]. And that [bleep]ing goes for your bull[bleep] court system, too! Mike, I'm so [bleep]ing sorry I couldn't [bleep]ing be there for this [bleep]ing [bleep]y really bogus trial, man. But let me [bleep] tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd [bleep]ing kick everyone's fat stupid [bleep]ing behinds and then cram it up their [bleep]ing [bleep]. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this [bleep] helps. Take care, Mike.

[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]

Mike:
Here's the wind up....

[Adam smiles smugly to himself]

Mike:
...and there's the smarm!

Tom:
He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA!

[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]

Mike [as Adam]:
Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger!

Tom:
Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you!

[The opening title of the movie shows:
Prince of Space.]

Mike:
I'm in space already! Damn!

[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]

Mother:
The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base.

Crow:
...the dining room?

[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]

Spaceship:
Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!

Crow:
Crank whore?

Spaceship:
Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!

Servo [as TV Advert. announcer]:
Veterans cannot be turned down!

. . .

Crow [as Mickey]:
That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it very much!

[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]

Crow [as Headline]:
Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.

Mike [as Headline]:
Truman Capote Sent to Fight Krankor.

[Camera focuses on the alien ship's 'periscope'.]

Crow [as periscope]:
I am the lemon zester of destruction!

Crow:
A rare Godzilla-free day.

[We hear a barking dog running past]

Tom [As dog, with Japanese accent]:
Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!

[A police car drives past in the same direction]

Mike:
After that dog!

[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]

Crow [as Prince of Space]:
Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway.

. . .

[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]

Crow [as Prince of Space]:
I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well!

[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]

Mike:
An exchange of deadly negative scratches!

[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]

Phantom:
Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di- [movie skip] -ren!

Mike:
"Kill some diffren"?

Servo:
"Diffren"?

Prince:
I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!

Crow:
You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?

[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]

CO:
Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.

Mike [as CO]:
I understand you're stuffed with cheese.

[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.]

Mike [as Prince of Space]:
Swing me over there, trusty string!

[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]

Crow [as Phantom]:
Set whole fryers to stun!

Mike:
The upper half of a Hopper painting.

Servo [as Citizen]:
Oh! A giant roast chicken!

Crow [as Citizen]:
It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!

Mike [as Citizen]:
It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!

Servo [as Citizen]:
Ohhhhh!

Crow [as Phantom]:
Potatoes or stuffing?!

[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]

Phantom:
What a fool!

Servo [as Phantom]:
He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?

Crow:
[on the Prince of Space] His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies.

Wally:
Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen!

Mike [as Wally]:
Get out of my wine!

[The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]

Servo:
A-hehehehe! Horror!

Crow:
Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip!

[During a driving scene]

Mike:
Nude driving: a new fad among the teens.

[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]

Mike:
What is "additional dialogue", anyway?

Crow:
Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?"

Crow:
Sturgis: a city on the move!

Crow:
I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own *head* with drawn butter.

[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]

Crow:
Men should not have bikini areas!

[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]

Mike:
I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed.

[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]

Crow:
MY SKULL!

[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]

Crow:
Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.

Servo:
So, radiation has a sense of humor!

[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]

Servo [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]:
[singing to "Chances Are"] Chances are That I'll kick your scrawny ass...

Chances are

That I'll kick your scrawny ass...

. . .

[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]

Mike [as Gang Leader]:
You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers.

[The monsters attack an all-girl slumber party]

Mike:
[They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid.

Servo:
Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty-raid.

[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look Polish"]

Mike:
Wait- "Look Polish?"

Servo:
Huh?

Mike:
It's-it was right there in the shot is was somethi-see? It says "Look Polish"!

Servo:
"Look Polish"!

Crow:
Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"

[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]

Elaine:
[whispering] I hear something.

Servo [as Elaine]:
[whispering] He's coming! Look Polish, everyone!

Tom:
What are we looking at and why are we looking at it?

[The time of day has been changing]

Tom:
Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... .

[Scene:
An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]

Crow:
Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".

Servo:
Modern architecture-efficient and beauty-free.

[Later in the same shot]

Crow:
Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....

[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a rotary phone]

Servo:
So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years?

[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]

The Great Vorelli:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger...

Servo [as the Great Vorelli]:
Then I'll be right back.

The Great Vorelli:
That he may die at any moment.

[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]

Crow [as the Great Vorelli]:
Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU!

[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine]

Hugo:
I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?

Mike [as Hugo]:
All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!

[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]

Crow [as Hugo]:
You think he likes ham? Wait 'til you see me like ham!

[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]

Mercedes:
He did not move for t'ree months - just lay there and...looked at the ceiling. Then...he died. He died.

Mike [as Mark]:
Did he live?

[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]

The Great Vorelli:
Hugo...

Mike [as the Great Vorelli]:
Have you been shaving your legs with this again?

[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]

Mike [as Hugo]:
Please cover my cage...

[Mark English (played by William Sylvester) is sleeping]

Servo:
You know, Kubrick saw this scene and said "We found our Heywood Floyd!"

[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]

Hugo:
Attica! Attica!

[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]

Tibana:
So, then-the Rogi-Pani Complex.

Mike:
The "Roji-Panty Complex"?

Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]:
HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous.

[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]

Servo:
That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud!

. . .

Crow:
They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.

. . .

[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]

Crow [as Space Chief]:
Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more!

[The Neptune Men approach Earth]

Mike:
Shoot at Earth all you want, just get Bill Maher.

[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]

Servo [as the Japanese]:
Oh, let's call our friends the Koreans! Oh, oh no-the Russians! Well, no. The Chinese! Oh, well, I guess not.

[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]

Mike:
I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly-nuanced movie.

[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]

Crow:
So whatever happened to Space Chef?

Mike:
That's "Chief."

Crow:
Chief Chef?

Crow:
Y'know, Space Chief should try going into space sometime!

Servo:
Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief.

Mike:
Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief.

[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of Hitler being blown up]

Crow:
[royally confused] What the...?

Servo:
They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?

Crow:
All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!

Mike:
The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...

Crow:
They blew it up!

. . .

Crow:
Say, Mike-was there a Hitler Building where you grew up?

Mike:
Not, uh...no. No.

Crow:
Sure?

Mike:
...Yeah.

. . .

[Another spaceship begins to dive]

Crow:
What next? The Mussolini Mall?

Servo:
Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo!

[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]

Crow:
So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this?

Servo:
Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... [thundering] EAT IT, MOVIE!

Crow:
Whoa! Whoa!

Servo:
[still ranting] TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR- [begins sobbing]

[Shot of a radar screen, as the scientists count down]

Scientist:
Ten, nine, eight...

Crow:
Yeah, yeah, right-one.

Scientist:
Seven, six...

Crow:
One!

Scientist:
Five, four...

Crow:
ONE!!!

[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]

Servo:
Space Chief's off having a couple Sapporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space.

[repeated line]

Servo (as various characters):
Did you sign Sherry's card?

[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]

Crow:
It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War."

Mike:
Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.

Servo:
Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."

Crow:
Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?

Mike:
Well, I used them when I was a kid. [Blows dust off a volume] They seemed fine then.

Crow:
The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike!

Servo:
There's a volume for the letter epsilon.

Crow:
There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.

Servo:
It's got a picture of Stonehenge!

Mike:
So?

Servo:
Under construction?!

Mike:
So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.

Servo:
Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.

[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]

Mike:
Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it!

[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "Battlestar Galactica"]

Mike:
Special effects by Industrial Light and Morons.

[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]

Crow [as Lea]:
My Buns of Steel videos are in there!

[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]

Servo [as Jansen]:
But what of the little children and their toys?

Capt. Devers:
Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships.

Cmdr. Jansen:
I agree.

Mike [as Jensen]:
I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho.

[Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"]

Mike [as Kalgan]:
Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend!

[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]

MacPhearson:
Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.

Mike:
I disagree!

MacPhearson:
Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun.

Chief Engineer:
Then let him do so alone.

Engineer Parsons:
This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.

Crow [as Parsons]:
I just have to wet myself first.

MacPhearson:
Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?

Chief Engineer:
We'll not allow that! No!

Servo:
The easily led wise council.

[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]

Engineer Parsons:
Let me go, traitors!

Mike [as Parsons]:
What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!

Crow:
Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!

Servo:
Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.

Crow:
Death by snicker-snag!

[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick]

Mike:
I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!

Servo [as MacPhearson]:
Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."

MacPhearson:
Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?

Mike:
I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!

MacPhearson:
Report to the enforcers' bridge.

Servo:
Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done!

[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]

Ryder:
Listen, lady!

Lea:
Doctor!

Ryder:
Doctor.

Crow:
Doctor Lady!

. . .

Ryder:
I had to eject! I had no other choice!

Servo [as Lea]:
That's Doctor I Had No Other Choice!

. . .

[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]

Ryder:
Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.

Mike:
It's Doctor Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.

[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]

Mike:
Oh, no, the death of Rick Springfield!

Servo:
I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!

[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]

Servo:
Herve Villechaize's Death Car.

Mike:
Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!

Crow [as Ryder]:
Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!

Kalgan:
[laughs evilly]

Servo [as Ryder]:
Hit the siren! [plays upbeat tempo circus music]

. . .

Crow [as Kalgan]:
We need both horsepowers on this thing!

. . .

[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]

Mike [as Bodyguard]:
I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!

[The Sting-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]

Servo [as Devers]:
[singing] De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...

[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]

Mike:
Hey, wait, she's dead!

Servo:
Yeah, she's dead!

Mike:
She died!

[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]

Capt. Devers:
Commander Jansen?

Crow [as Devers]:
I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.

. . .

[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]

Cmdr. Jansen:
I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.

Capt. Devers:
Helveca?

Mike [as Devers]:
Oh, I love that font!

. . .

Cmdr. Jansen:
It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.

Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]:
Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.

. . .

[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]

Mike [as Devers]:
'Kay, look alive, everybod- oh...sorry, Susan.

[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]

Crow [as MacPhearson]:
A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

Captain Devers:
[referring to another character] Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally.

Commander Jansen:
Alright.

Crow [as Jansen]:
Fetch me my warrior muumuu.

[Dave Ryder shakes hands with Lea's father, Cmdr. Jansen]

Mike:
We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.

[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan.]

Mike:
There goes a big, brave brick of meat.

[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]

Servo:
Toro! Toro! These cars are made by Toro!

Mike:
You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur?

Servo:
Oh?

Mike:
Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked."

[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]

Servo:
Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, white thing?

[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]

Servo:
Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!

Kalgan:
I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's similar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.

Servo [as Kalgan]:
You're too stupid to know anything about dentistry.

Lea:
You bastard!

Mike [as Lea]:
How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!

[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]

Crow:
Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be the future!

[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]

Servo:
They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast.

[Throughout the film, Mike and the bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]

Crow:
Slab Bulkhead!

Servo:
Fridge Largemeat!

Mike:
Punt Speedchunk!

Crow:
Butch Deadlift!

Crow:
Bold Bigflank!

Mike:
Splint Chesthair!

Mike:
Flint Ironstag!

Crow:
Bolt Vanderhuge!

Mike:
Thick McRunfast!

Mike:
Blast Hardcheese!

Crow:
Buff Drinklots!

Servo:
Trunk Slamchest!

Crow:
Fist Rockbone!

Mike:
Stump Beefknob!

Servo:
Smash Lampjaw!

Crow:
Punch Rockgroin!

Mike:
Buck Plankchest!

Crow:
Stump Chunkmen!

Servo:
Dirk Hardpec!

Mike:
Rip Steakface!

Crow:
Slate Slabrock!

Servo:
Crud Bonemeal!

Mike:
Brick HardMeat!

Crow:
Rip Slagcheek!

Servo:
Punch Sideiron!

Mike:
Gristle McThornbody!

Crow:
Slate Fistcrunch!

Mike:
Buff Hardback!

Servo:
Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...

Servo:
Blast Thickneck!

Crow:
Crunch Buttsteak!

Mike:
Slab Squatthrust!

Servo:
Lump Beefbroth!

Crow:
Touch Rustrod!

Mike:
Reef Blastbody!

Mike:
Big McLargeHuge!

Mike:
Smoke ManMuscle!

Servo:
Eat Punchbeef!

Mike:
Hack Blowfist!

Mike:
Roll Fizzlebeef!

[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]

Servo:
Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?

Crow:
Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.

Servo:
Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!

Mike:
Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?

Crow:
Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.

Mike:
Uhhh...

[The music slows down to a power ballad style]

Crow:
Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.

Servo:
Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.

Crow:
Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.

Servo:
And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!

Crow:
Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!

Servo:
You're pathetic.

Crow:
You and your '80s!

Servo:
Your precious '80s!

Crow:
You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!

Servo:
Yeah!

Mike:
All right, all right, that's it, that tears it!

[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]

Crow:
You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man!

Servo:
Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't!

[After a while Mike sits up]

Mike:
Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man.

[Pause of a second]

Servo:
Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him!

Crow:
No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! [sobbing]

Servo:
[sobbing] It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either!

Mike:
No no, actually they did end Tom, there there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over.

Servo:
[sobbing] I'm sorry, Mike!

Crow:
[sobbing] Sorry, Mike!

Mike:
It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too.

[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]

Servo [as dog]:
[talking like Scooby-Doo] Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.

Crow:
He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.

Mike:
[groaning] Oh, Crow. So early, too.

[The logo fades out]

Servo:
[still talking like Scooby-Doo] Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents-

Mike:
Okay, stop.

Crow:
Cut it out.

[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]

Crow:
This is like NFL graphics here.

Mike:
[imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]

[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]

Nick:
Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a genius!

Servo [as Nick]:
A crop-dusting genius!

[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]

Crow:
This... is not our star, is it? I will not accept this as our star, sorry.

[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]

Mike [as announcer]:
Come on down to parallel parking days.

[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]

Mike:
Come to Martin's. WHATUP?!?

[Nick boots up his computer]

Servo [as the old AOL voice]:
You've got mail... pattern baldness!

[During the first scene in 2041]

Mike:
[derisively] The, uh, future.

[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]

Crow:
So, in the future, kids become gay agents?

. . .

Servo:
So... 50 years from now will be 3 years from now...

. . .

[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]

Servo:
Hey, look-a lesbian... of the future!

[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]

Mike:
Food courts... of the future!

[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]

Mike [as Robertson]:
Hi, I'm Bob Evil!

Robertson:
Trust me.

Servo [as Robertson]:
Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]

Guard:
Come on, this way! [They run down the false route]

Mike [as Guard]:
Even though I see them running the other way!

[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]

Servo:
Two kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even I know that's a fashion no-no.

Servo [as J.K.]:
I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles!

Crow [as Matt]:
I'm a team player!

[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]

Mike [as Gunman]:
Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!

[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]

Servo:
Great, now the garbage truck's backing up!

[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]

Servo:
I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!!

Crow:
The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film.

Servo:
Yeah, I think-huh?

[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]

Servo:
They're running out of Alt!

[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]

Eddie:
And their Miffnots [MPH KNOTS] are goin' down!

Lisa:
Nick!

Crow [as Lisa]:
I was shaving this morning and got a nick!

[Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]

Eddie:
[irritated] Get up! You're all right.

[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]

Crow [as Nick]:
Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands!

[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]

Crow:
27 Keebler elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!

Mike:
E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.

. . .

Mike:
Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!

Crow:
Oh, he's like poo, all right.

. . .

[as Nick climbs down the tree]

Crow:
He's climbing an Ent!

Servo:
[in a deep, Entish voice] Hoom hom, get off me, hm.

. . .

[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him]

Crow:
He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.

[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]

Servo:
Did the tree contribute money to the film? Why are they showing this?

[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]

Servo:
So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel.

Mike:
Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes.

[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]

Mike:
Hey... even declared war on his surge protector...

[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]

Mike:
Who's playing the chamber pot?!

[The writer credit appears]

Crow:
Written? This movie was written? I don't think so.

[Credits display:
Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]

Servo:
We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day.

[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]

Servo:
Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!

. . .

Mike:
All these people bear... some responsibility, you know.

[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]

Servo:
Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of stupid Rutland, Vermont! This is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!

Crow:
Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin!

[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]

Servo:
Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote!

Mike:
Let go of it, man!

Servo:
Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your Websters, and your Facts of Lifeses, and your Who's The Bossesesses!

[Movie Sign goes off]

Mike:
We got movie sign! [Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]

[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of Raul Julia's head inside a golden electronic cube]

Mike:
This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.

Crow:
It's a Raulbik's Cube!

Servo:
Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...

Mike:
Oh no, don't say it!

Servo:
...Cube-in!

Mike:
Ahhh.

[The cube begins to fade away]

Crow:
Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man!

Servo [as Raul Julia]:
But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero!

[The movie's theme plays]

Mike:
And now, the news.

[New York City PBS affiliate WNET is credited]

Servo:
That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"?

[Title card is shown]

Servo:
[with monotone sarcasm] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny.

Crow:
Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything.

[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]

Mike:
Wow. TV's Frank!

Servo:
Wow. Frank's really come up in the world.

Crow:
Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine.

[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]

Crow:
SAT farms of the future!

[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]

Appalonia:
He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control.

[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]

Mike:
And its effect on Bugs Bunny.

. . .

Servo:
Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie.

. . .

Appalonia:
And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it.

Mike [as Appalonia]:
Data entrying with no pants.

. . .

[Fingal gets caught.]

Crow:
We now return to Billy Madison.

[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]

Mike:
[on the therapist] It's Merv Griffin!

Computer:
Ask about his mother.

Servo [as Computer]:
Ask if she wears Army boots.

Servo:
So aging lesbian nuns run the future?

[A shuttle passenger dashes impoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]

Fingal:
I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys?

Shuttle Passenger:
An anteater... maybe.

Crow:
Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]

Servo:
Oh, look. Must be a Jack-In-The-Box in the food court.

[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]

Boy:
And blue, like this?

Teacher:
Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later.

Boy:
Is it sexy?

Teacher:
We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room.

[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]

Servo:
[chuckling] The littlest sexual deviant.

. . .

[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]

Servo:
There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. [N]

[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]

Servo:
Is it "Children of the Damned Day" at the brain institute here?

[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]

Crow:
Doctor Who... the hell cares!

Mike:
You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too?

[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]

Fingal:
At least I'm not an anteater.

Mike:
This movie just hates anteaters!

. . .

Fingal:
This cost me every credit I have?

Mike:
He's gonna start flinging it any minute now!

. . .

Mike [as Fingal]:
I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater!

[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]

Fingal:
What happened to him? He looks drunk to me!

Crow [as giraffe]:
I'm on medication, okay?

[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]

Servo [as Worker]:
Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo!

[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]

Crow:
Must be Christmas on the Borg ship.

Servo:
[singing] See you on the dark side of Raul...

Mike:
You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up this cinema.

[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]

Mike:
It's Asian Pee-Wee.

. . .

Crow:
Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, Ram Jazz. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe...

Pierre:
Everybody goes to The Place.

Servo [as Co-worker]:
You know, when they have to go...

[On the name of "The Place"]

Mike:
Formerly "That Other Place".

Servo:
Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and this was the name they thought up.

. . .

Servo:
Formerly "The Locale".

. . .

Mike:
Formerly "The Site".

. . .

Crow:
It's changed ownership. Now it's a gentleman's club.

[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]

Professor Bobo:
Hey, I can sing, too! [singing off-key] And now you find yourself in '82- [Pearl kicks him in the groin.]

[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]

Mike [as the Fat Man]:
All I can eat? The joke's on them!

[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]

Fingal:
I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored!

[Mike and the bots all look around]

Servo:
OK, which one of us said that?

Crow:
I felt it, I don't...

. . .

Fingal:
Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer!

Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]:
[dully] I'm okay with that.

. . .

[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]

Crow [as co-worker]:
My coffee coupon!

...

Fingal:
If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work.

Crow:
I'll be a better zombie!

[During a rather adult scene]

Mike:
Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"...

[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]

Apollonia:
If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life...

Crow:
Whoa!

Apollonia:
...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!

Servo:
Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part?

. . .

Fingal:
It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!

[Apollonia slaps him.]

Crow [as Fingal]:
Well, now you are, actually.

. . .

Apollonia:
Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is...

Servo:
Well, slapping him seemed like a good start!

[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]

Rick:
What're you gonna do?

Fingal:
I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.

Mike:
Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!

[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]

Computer:
What is your access code?

Crow:
Where do you want to go today? All over this movie, that's where I want to go.

Computer:
Invalid access. Quit or retry?

Servo:
I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex.

[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]

Crow:
The chairman's got really bad dandruff.

Mike:
This is how much pure cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie.

. . .

Fingal:
I'm not making this up!

Mike [as Fingal]:
I'm not cleaning it up either!

Crow:
So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers.

[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]

Apollonia:
Dopples don't dance, they don't make love...

Crow:
They're Lutherans!

[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]

Mike, Crow, Servo:
[singing to the background music] You can't always get what you want...

. . .

[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]

Servo [as God]:
Here's some more commandments I forgot.

Fingal:
Shut up, Fat Man!

Mike [as Fingal]:
You... you anteater!

[As the Fat Man leaves]

Crow [as Fat Man]:
To Wendy's!

[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]

Fingal:
Genius. Pure Genius.

Crow:
...couldn't save this film.

. . .

[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]

Servo [as Fat Man]:
I'm farting Monopoly cards!

Mike:
Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. [chuckles] Sorry.

[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]

Crow [as Fat Man]:
Draw... me some butter!

Servo:
People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here.

[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]

Mike:
Vertigo to hell.

. . .

Servo:
You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now!

. . .

[Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.]

Mike:
I love you this much!

[Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.]

Servo:
I don't care for you!

[Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]

Crow:
Eating Raul!

[Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]

Rick:
Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater!

Servo:
Lay off the anteaters! Come on!

Crow:
Man!

[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie.]

Servo:
Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh?

[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "Casablanca".]

Crow [as co-worker]:
But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week!

[The theme plays at the end.]

Mike:
And now the news.

[Theme plays again.]

Mike:
That was the news.