Parks and Recreation, Season 2

Leslie:
Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?

Tom:
Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.

April:
This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.

Ben:
Hey.

Leslie:
Hey...oh...wait, sorry. What's the situation?

April:
What do you mean?

Leslie:
How does this work?

April:
Derek is gay but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.

Derek:
It's not that complicated.

Ann:
When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.

Dave:
I like Ms. Knope. I liked her. I got to say when I first met her I didn't care much for her because like 99% of the people on any given day of my life she was very belligerent and disagreeable. Ms. Knope was attractive to me. As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor. I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate. ...I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Tom:
I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

Leslie:
You know, in the 1880's, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble in Pawnee. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Reverend Bradley and Annabeth Stevenson, a widowed mother of seven. The original title of this was "A Lively Fisting." But y'know, they had to change it for...obvious reasons.

Leslie:
I was uh, dropping my niece off.

Ann:
What's your niece's name?

Leslie:
Torpel. What?! I don't know. That's not a name. I don't have a niece... my niece's name is Stephanie?

Jerry:
Hey, Mark, um, a little birdie told me that you have one unpaid parking ticket.

Mark:
That's funny, because a little birdie told me that your adoptive mother was arrested for marijuana possession.

Donna:
Oh snap!

Jerry:
What?

Mark:
You didn't know that, huh?

Jerry:
...I didn't know I was adopted...

Leslie:
What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic-Tacs I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?

Ann:
Those are all insane hypotheticals and I promise you they won't happen.

Leslie:
They have happened. All of these have happened to me.

[cut to Leslie being interviewed]

Leslie:
Uh, no, there's more. One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3-D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time I went to a really boring movie with a guy and while I was asleep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.

April:
I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.

Greg:
Are you crying?

Andy:
I AM NOT CRYING, OK? I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!

Leslie:
Check this out. These are all the possible routes from Greg Pikitis' house to the statue.

Ann:
That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.

Leslie:
In a way, that's a compliment. It shows dedication.

Tom:
I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to 'cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Ron:
We didn't talk. We made love.

Leslie:
Oh my. Mm. Good. Oh well, spare me the details. I'm just happy-

Ron:
It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began. You know what I mean?

Leslie:
Yeah...

Ron:
Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have... that. The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours.

Leslie:
This seems like a private matter, but I'm-

Ron:
That woman really knows her way around a penis.

Jerry:
For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma-

Tom:
You said "murinal!"

[Everyone laughs]

Jerry:
No, I didn't.

Ann:
Yes, you did. You said "murinal." I heard it.

Jerry:
Anyway, she-

April:
Jerry, why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?

Tom:
Jerry, go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.

[Jerry takes down his mural and walks away defeated]

Jerry:
...Just wanted to show you my art...

Everyone:
Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!

Leslie:
Disqualified!

[cut to Jerry being interviewed]

Jerry:
It's Pointillism. And each dot is a photo of the citizen of the town-

Tom:
[from other room] No one cares! At all!

Leslie:
Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold decision: we're playing it safe.

Tom:
On a scale from one to Chris Brown, how pissed off is he?

Leslie:
I think this is gonna be a really good bonding experience with Ron. Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.

Park Ranger:
So, what happened? I mean, did you forget to check the entire field? I find a lot of women have problems with tunnel vision.

Leslie:
No, I'm an excellent hunter.

Park Ranger:
How did you end up shooting a guy in the head, then?

Leslie:
Fair enough. I was walking in the woods and then I tripped and my gun went off.

Park Ranger:
Ah, so you forgot to put the safety on.

Leslie:
Oh, I always have the safety on, I mean... While I was tripping I saw a quail and I shot at it.

Park Ranger:
In mid-trip?

Leslie:
No. That's. Okay, fine. I got that tunnel vision that girls get. That's what happened, end of story.

Park Ranger:
Well, I think you're hysterical because of all the excitement, obviously. So, I'm just not following your story. All right?

Leslie:
[jumpcuts between statements] Um, I let my emotions get the best of me.

I just, I cared too much, I guess.

I was thinking with my lady-parts.

I was walking and I felt something icky.

I thought there was gonna be chocolate.

I don't even remember.

I'm wearing a new, um, bra and it closes in the front and it pop-open and it threw me off.

All I wanna do is have babies!.

Are you single?

I'm just, like, going through a thing right now.

I guess when my life is incomplete I wanna shoot someone.

This would not happen if I had a penis!

(While putting on lipstick) What?

Bitches be crazy.

I'm good at tolerating pain, I'm bad at math, and I'm stupid.

Jerry:
There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years.

Ron:
Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I asked her out once the fake dust settles?

Tom:
Yeah. Why not? Sure.

Ron:
Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size for me. I'm gonna take a leak.

Ron:
This seems like none of our business.

Leslie:
Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I."

April:
That was a really good Ron.

Leslie:
Thank you.

Bill Dexhart:
Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new scandal that's about to break. Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it the nurse who delivered our love child?

Leslie:
What?

Bill Dexhart:
Stop playing dumb. You know damn well what happened. I got the babysitter pregnant. And when she was in the delivery room I had sex with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet...as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant. Hmm...Now which one of them told you? Was it the liver lady?

Leslie:
Wh...I...No one...I haven't...I haven't heard any of this. Ever. In my whole life.

Bill Dexhart:
Oh!

Leslie:
Believe me I would have remembered this.

Bill Dexhart:
Okay. Well, in that case, everything I just told you was just a funny prank.

Ron:
Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight.

April:
I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.

Ron:
Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport.

Ann:
What is your ideal man?

Leslie:
He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.

Tom:
Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant and he's dope. His name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio!

Jean-Ralphio:
Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, daaaaaaamn!

Ron:
Uh, take a seat.

Jean-Ralphio:
Right, here we go.

Ron:
So Jean-Ralphio...

Jean-Ralphio:
You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.

Ron:
Why do I want you as my assistant?

Jean-Ralphio:
For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family. I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?

Tom:
I think our only question is when can you start?

Jean-Ralphio:
Right now. Let's do it.

Ron:
Thank you for coming in. We will talk.

Jean-Ralphio:
Cool. I feel good about this. Hey, you know you can hit me up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right?

Tom:
Take care, buddy.

Jean-Ralphio:
Boom.

Tom:
So what do you think of your new assistant?

Ron:
I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.

Tom:
Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Ron:
Are these peppers for consuming?

Culinary Teacher I wouldn't. They're very hot.

Ron:
I'm gonna give it a try. [eats a pepper] Mmm, hot.

Wendy:
You're very brave.

Tom:
Please. That was one of the tiny ones. [to the tune of "This Is How We Do It"] This is how you eat iiiit! [eats the pepper]

Ron:
Don't do that, son.

[Tom chews, curses to himself, and runs from the table in pain]

Tom:
Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend...

Andy:
[immediately] Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing.

April:
I'll go, too.

Tom:
Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.

April Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not?

Tom:
Alright. See you guys later.

Andy:
I think that that's really, really sweet that your grandparents still make love.

Ron:
Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.

Leslie:
It's not just a job, gang. We're gonna learn a lot from these seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows.

Jerry:
I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife Gayle many times.

Leslie:
Whatever.

Wendy:
Tommy, I just want you to know I'm so grateful for everything you did for me, but I only see us as friends.

Tom:
For now. But think how much better our friendship would be if we added...doin' it.

Ron:
Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.

Leslie:
You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

Jean-Ralphio:
What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?

Donna:
I'm out.

Tom:
Why?!

Donna:
I hate that guy.

Andy:
Let me explain something to you, Tweep. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Andy. Act."

Tom:
So you weren't thinking.

Andy:
Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

Evelyn:
What do you mean that Fairway Frank is not here?

Leslie:
Here's the thing, Evelyn: We're not sure that the possum we caught is, in fact, Fairway Frank.

Evelyn:
Leslie, whoever it is, it's a possum. And the sooner it's dead, the sooner the mayor can do what he wants with it.

Leslie:
...Does he want to have sex with a dead possum?

Evelyn:
No!

Leslie:
No.

Evelyn:
He's not a monster! He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.

Leslie:
Ew.

[Leslie, Tom, Jerry and Carl board a golf cart]

Tom:
This thing is a mess.

Carl:
WE USED TO HAVE THREE CARS ACTUALLY. THE FIRST ONE GOT PUSHED INTO THE CREEK BY SOME KIDS. THE SECOND ONE RACCOONS GOT ONTO. THERE WAS URINE EVERYWHERE. AND THE THIRD ONE WAS RECENTLY STOLEN.

Tom:
What's this one?

Carl:
THIS IS THE SECOND ONE. THE RACCOON PISS ONE.

Leslie:
Why didn't you just tell everybody the truth?

Jerry:
Are you kidding me? Imagine what Tom would have said.

[cut to Leslie impersonating Tom]

Leslie:
Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What'd you do for a Klondike bar? Kill your wife?

Leslie:
Clarence Carrington, David Moser, Michael Tansley, Ron Swanson. Gathered together on a beautiful day in this beautiful park. I think we should just take a moment and appreciate how lucky we are.

David:
I thought you were dead, Clarence.

Clarence:
No, I'm going to outlive you and then I'm going to nail your wife.

David:
Screw you, you old coot.

Michael:
Classic David. You're worse than Ron.

Ron:
Shut your damn mouth, Tansley.

Leslie:
OK great, let's go!

Andy:
So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?

April:
The super old one.

Andy:
Really?

April:
Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.

Ron:
So basically we're completely swamped. All hands on deck.

Ann:
I don't even work in this building.

Ron:
Don't care. I need anyone with a pulse and a brain to pitch in.

Jerry:
[walking in] Ron, do you need help with anything?

Ron:
No, we're good, thanks. In fact, you can head home early.

Woman:
There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red tape.

April:
Mm. This gridlock drives me nuts.

Woman:
Tell me about it.

April:
Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.

Woman:
You know what? I haven't thought of that. That is a really great idea.

April:
Yeah?

Woman:
I'm gonna do that.

April:
OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.

Woman:
Good luck there!

April:
My thoughts exactly!

[Cut to April being interviewed]

April:
I have no idea what I was saying.

April:
Marchtember Oneteenth

Leslie:
Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access station to raise money for diabetes research. And it's important because Pawnee is the fourth fattest town in the U.S. It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa and certain parts of the Mall of America.

Ron:
I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Mark:
I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with me.

Leslie:
Why, is something wrong?

Mark:
No, I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Leslie:
[gasps]

Mark:
I love her and I want a partner and....

Leslie:
[interrupting] Horseback! You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon...No, she should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh wait...she's in a balloon, you ride up on horseback, you point to the sky - up there, skywriting, "Marry me Ann."

Mark:
I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.

Leslie:
How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.

Mark:
So you think I should do it though?

Leslie:
Yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.

Mark:
Leslie...

Leslie:
No, you're right, it's your life, get as many eagles as you want.

Chris:
I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

Jean-Ralphio:
One time I waited outside a woman's house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.

Mark:
Recently I had been thinking about maybe leaving this job but I felt like I needed a sign. And then Ann broke up with me the week I was going to propose, the government got shut down, and yesterday one of those pigeons took a [bleep] on me. And I was indoors. So...

Ron:
I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

Leslie:
Pawnee has a gay bar?

Ron:
Yeah, The Bulge.

Everyone:
...

Ron:
It's behind my house.

Leslie:
The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh the nights I've wasted there...

Donna:
Hey. Why are you all dolled up?

Leslie:
Oh it's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I dunno. I guess they think I'm fabulous or something...

Donna:
Well you look good girl. You gonna turn somebody tonight.

Leslie:
Hahahahaha! [cut to Leslie being interviewed] That was hands down the best interaction I've ever had with Donna!

Leslie:
[drunk] You know why tonight's fun? Cause everyone's so gay. And they know how to have fun and the dancing...just everyone is just who they are. And who they are is just stone-cold gay.

Ron:
Have fun last night?

Leslie:
I had three drinks named after me so that's pretty fun! Plus Ben and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday and we are gonna find out my actual bra size.

Ron:
...

Leslie:
I guess I'm kinda like Queen of the Gays!

Ron:
Bully for you. I just got a phone call. They want you to go on Pawnee Today.

Leslie:
Wow that's huge! What's the topic?

Ron:
You. That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your resignation.

Leslie:
No!

Ron:
You gotta go on and defend yourself.

Leslie:
Why!? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.

Ron:
That's funny. Somebody just told me that you were Queen of the Gays.

Leslie:
...That was me.

Joan Callamezzo:
So Marcia what's all this fuss about?

Marcia:
The fuss is that Miss Knope claimed that she was not advocating for this gay cause, and then that very night, she was the guest of honor at a pro-gay marriage rally at a bar called The Bulge.

Joan Callamezzo:
Miss Knope, how do you respond?

Leslie:
I'd first like to say that I wasn't trying to advocate for anyone. I did not know that both of the penguins were males, and I was just trying to perform a cute, fun ceremony to promote our local zoo.

Joan Callamezzo:
I have to say that that stunt that you did with the penguins was clearly over the line. Now, Marcia, what, if anything, can Miss Knope do to make it right?

Marcia:
Now Joan we don't want to be unreasonable.

Joan Callamezzo:
Of course not.

Marcia:
We think that she should separate the penguins, annul the marriage, reimburse the taxpayers for the cost of the wedding, of course, and then resign.

Leslie:
[sarcastically] Oh! Is that it!? Anything else? You want me to jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri?

Marcia:
Move to a different town! No, I kid.

Leslie:
I would like to be President someday so no I have not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.

[April finds Ron still in his chair at the office]

April:
Do you live here?

Ron:
April?

April:
Yeah. Do you live here?

Ron:
No.

April:
Catch. [throws a marker at Ron and it just hits him in the face] Yeah I thought so. I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you so I came back.

Ron:
It's just a minor medical issue.

April:
AIDS?

Ron:
...No I'm safe.

April:
Blindness?

Ron:
...No.

April:
Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?

Ron:
I have a hernia.

April:
Do you have syphilis?

Ron:
I said it's a hernia.

April:
I know. It's possible to have two things.

[Ron has a hernia and is waiting for April to return with a car and bring him to the hospital. April enters.]

April:
Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?

Ron:
I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.

Mark:
Hey hi there! What are you doing here?

Ann:
Just having lunch with Leslie. What are you up to?

Mark:
Oh I'm looking for scandalous information about my coworkers...for a game that we're playing.

Ann:
...My taxes pay your salary right?

Mark:
Yeah...

Ann:
Cool.

Ann:
And he looked up at me and he said "Thank you. You saved my life."

Leslie:
Yeah...Hey listen I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow night. Do you have like a first date outfit I could borrow? Like, I don't know, a pair of cargo pants?

Ann:
Yeah I wouldn't go with the cargo pant.

Leslie:
What about like a sexy hat?

Ann:
I don't know what that even is.

Leslie:
Helping already!

Leslie:
Hey while I have you, can I ask you a question?

Ann:
Shoot!

Leslie:
What if he asks me if I've been married?

Ann:
Have you!?

Leslie:
No.

Ann:
Well then say that.

Leslie:
But then he'll wonder why I haven't been married. You know what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna say that I was married. The real question is should I say that I have kids? Guys like girls that have kids right?

Ann:
Whoa.

Leslie:
What if I get drunk and I talk about Darfur too much? Or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur enough?!

Ann:
Okay you have a problem and this is how we're going to fix it-

Leslie:
I know what you're thinking. I wear an earpiece, you sit at a table nearby, you speak into a mic, you tell me what to say on the date. But let me tell you something Ann! It never works!

Ann:
No No No. We are going to go to a restaurant and have a practice date. I will pretend to be Dave and you will practice on me.

Leslie:
Ohhh! That's a way better idea!

Ann:
You know what, just ask me a question. Just try to get to know me.

Leslie:
Okay...I can't think of anything to ask you. I'm sorry, my mind is blank.

Ann:
Just ask me the first thing that comes to your head.

Leslie:
How big is it?

Ann:
...Really!?

Leslie:
Oh my God.

Ann:
Sorry I had to get all medical on you but now you see that even if everything goes wrong, you'll survive.

Leslie:
Well well well, you coy bastard.

Leslie:
Well we went on our first date and I didn't even know it...AKA I nailed it. No fires, no ambulances, just good old fashioned showing up drunk at a guys house late at night...

April:
Is it weird that my feelings are hurt no one's found any dirt on me yet? Hello! I drove a riding lawnmower through a Nordstrom! There's video...That I took...On the internet!

Leslie:
Hey can I smoke in here?

Ron:
You don't smoke.

Leslie:
Just asking if I can.

Ron:
Are you high?

Leslie:
I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.

Ron:
That's right you never did ask me for permission did you? Well I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City Manager and now this entire department is ka-screwed!

Leslie:
...Ron I am so so so sorry!

Ron:
What the ka-fuck were you thinking?

[Leslie is leaving voicemails for Andy. Jump-cuts between messages]

Leslie:
[beep] Andy, it's Leslie, what did you mean when you said it's your only option? I think we should talk without lawyers present. If you want to meet just put a white chalk X on the mailbox across the street from city hall...or call me back. Just call me back!

[beep] Andy why aren't you returning my calls? Is it because of your lawyer? It's because of your lawyer.

[beep] [in a fake accent] Hey Andy it's your aunt, your mom or dad's sister. I don't know how to tell you this but, your uncle has passed. He's with Jesus now. So we're having a memorial in 30 minutes at city hall...

[beep] HEY FREE GUITARS AT CITY HALL EVERYBODY RUN!

[beep] [in a robot voice] Because of a local disaster you...Andy. Dwyer...must go to the evacuation center at...Pawnee. City. Hall.

Tom:
Hmm that was weird.

Leslie:
How long have you been there!?

Leslie:
I promise that Andy isn't suing just for the money.

Ann:
Leslie, the man lived in a pit. He couldn't find a place to live on the Earth's surface so he went under the ground. We're dealing with a grown man who thinks like a gopher.

[Leslie is confronting Greg Pikitis at the high school]

Leslie:
Greg Pikitis.

Greg:
You're the parks lady right?

Leslie:
Yeah that's right. I'm the parks lady, Leslie Knope and I'm here to tell you that this year, it ends.

[Cut to Leslie being interviewed]

Leslie:
Ugh this kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg and I. He absolutely terrorizes the parks system. Every Halloween someone defaces the statue of Mayor Percy in Ramset Park! And I know it's Greg Pikitis! But I've never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond, supervillain, criminal mastermind.....Or maybe someone else is doing it but I really feel like it's this kid!

[Cut back to Leslie and Greg]

Leslie:
Got the entire parks department watching you, my boyfriend's a cop. So don't even try it!

Greg:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Leslie:
Oh I think you do! It ends today Pikitis. It ends. To. Day.

[Leslie starts walking away]

Greg:
Thanks for stopping by Leslie. You look great.

Leslie:
Thank you...Ends today!

Ann:
Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!

[At the statue of Mayor Percy]

Leslie:
Ah William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors and a true hero. During the Pawnee bread factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.

Dave:
Didn't like 30 people die in that fire?

Leslie:
[sigh] He wasn't Superman.

Andy:
He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?

Leslie:
No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?

Andy:
...Yes.

Leslie:
You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to.

Dave:
Don't do that.

Leslie:
Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force.

Dave:
Don't use excessive force.

Leslie:
Don't go overboard, just stop him...by any means necessary.

Dave:
Nope.

Leslie:
No, just stop him.

[Leslie and Dave have just found the Parks Department vandalized]

Leslie:
PIKITIS!

Dave:
We've been tailing that kid for a couple hours. It must've been somebody else.

Leslie:
It was Pikitis. [shows Dave the peach pit] Believe me now?

Dave:
That doesn't mean anything to me.

Leslie:
This is a peach pit!

Dave:
Okay.

Leslie:
He was eating a peach when I went to go talk to him! This is his ace of spades! This is his calling card! This is what he leaves all his victims. And it's still warm. Okay go and arrest him and send this to the lab!

Dave:
We don't have a lab...

Dr. Harris:
Hey. Yeah I'm gonna leave.

Ann:
Oh, Okay.

Dr. Harris:
This isn't that fun.

Ann:
Didn't need to tell me that.

Greg:
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Andy:
Why don't you just shut up for a second!

Leslie:
What's going on in here?

Andy:
He's a jerk! He is being such a jerk! That's an awful thing to say to a human being!

Greg:
Are you crying?

Andy:
I AM NOT CRYING, OK?! I'M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!

Greg:
Wait, how did you know I was in the parking lot all night?

Leslie:
Because I followed you genius!

Greg:
If you followed me all night, then you know that it wasn't me! Knope! What is your problem!?

Leslie:
Look I have been very civil but I will waterboard you!

[After Dave catches Leslie and Andy vandalizing Greg's house]

Dave:
Leslie! What are you doing?

Leslie:
Oh boy.

Greg's Real Mom:
That's them officer! Right there!

Leslie:
Oh my God! Oh no! I'm so sorry I think we have the wrong house!

Greg's Real Mom:
Why are you doing this!?

Leslie:
It's really hard to explain but we were trying to get revenge on this kid Greg Pikitis and we thought this was his house but I guess we got the address wrong!

Greg's Real Mom:
I'm Greg's Mom.

Leslie:
...You are?

Greg's Real Mom:
Yes! ...Oh did he hire a fake mom again to get him out of trouble?

Leslie:
What!?

Greg's Real Mom:
Whenever he gets in trouble he goes on Craigslist and hires a woman to play his mother and bail him out. That little SOB! Greg! Gregory!

Leslie:
I knew it!

Dave:
Oh my God!

Andy:
Dude! That kid is amazing!

[After catching Greg defacing the statue]

Leslie:
How did you get into the parks department!? I have to know!

Greg:
Maybe the FBI can figure it out.

Andy:
Hahaha! I'm not even in the FBI! Stupid!

Greg:
Wow. You're amazing.

Leslie:
Hey! You're going to jail for a very long time.

Dave:
He's not gonna go to jail you know, he's a minor.

Leslie:
Well we'll let the jury decide.

Dave:
There's not going to be a jury...

Leslie:
Then the Judge will decide where he goes!

Dave:
He's gonna do probation, he's a minor...

Leslie:
Dave just let me have this!

Leslie:
News flash! We're screwed! We got a big problem with the library.

Tom:
Punk ass book jockeys!

Ann:
Wait why do we hate the library?

Leslie:
The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude and extremely well read which makes them very dangerous.

Mark:
The new deputy director of the department is Tammy Swanson.

Leslie:
Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific! Or is that awful? I mean he hates her but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?

Tom:
Leslie. You're thinking out loud again.

Leslie:
Am I? I am.

Leslie:
Pawnee's Library Department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang but instead of shotguns and crystal meth they use political savy and shushing.

Ron:
Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.

Leslie:
I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?

Ron:
No.

Leslie:
What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.

Ron:
Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone in the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

Ron:
On my deathbed my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to Hell one last time...Would I get married again? Oh absolutely. If you don't believe in love what's the point of living?

Leslie:
Hi I'm Leslie Knope, I called a little while ago.

Tammy Two:
You have a lot of nerve showing your face here.

Leslie:
Excuse me?

Tammy Two:
You have overdue book fees totaling three dollars Missy.

Leslie:
That is so typical! I should've known you'd use a low blow dirty pool BS move like that. That's why everybody hates the library! Here you know what here's your three dollars [throws a bunch of change on Tammy's desk] and I'll see you in Hell!

Leslie:
I want it to be a perfect park with a state of the art swing set and basketball courts. Off to the side a lovely sitting area for kids with asthma to watch other kids play.

Tammy Two:
Wow if I had a park like that when I was growing up I probably wouldn't have gone through such a prolonged mall slut phase.

Leslie:
Well that's...that's the goal Tammy.

Ron:
So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?

Leslie:
I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. Look at Mark and me. We slept together, we talked about it, we're still friends.

Ron:
You slept with Brendanawicz?

Leslie:
...No!

Tammy Two:
It's really good to see you Ron.

Ron:
You've aged horribly.

Tammy Two:
You...son of a bitch!

Ron:
That didn't take long.

Tammy Two:
Oh my God! What is your problem?! Nothing's changed has it!?

Ron:
Why don't you take the rest of the day off?

Leslie:
...

Ron:
I mean you spend so much time worrying about this park but, really who cares?

Leslie:
I care. I care a lot. That's kinda my thing. Remember?

Ron:
But at the end of the day what does it matter if the lot becomes a park or a museum or a mega-church.

Leslie:
...Or a library.

Ron:
...Nobody said library.

Leslie:
Ron have you been talking to Tammy about the lot?

Ron:
No, I swear on...a grave.

Leslie:
Oh my God! Ron! Tell me the truth. Are you giving her the lot?

Ron:
Not giving. We have discussed a trade.

Leslie:
For what!?

Ron:
[mumbles something]

Leslie:
Excuse me?

Ron:
...More sex.

Leslie:
I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library.

Tammy Two:
Leslie that's crazy...and correct.

Leslie:
Why are you doing this?

Tammy Two:
Les there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing, and then there are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra, or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.

Leslie:
[being interviewed] What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt!?

Tammy Two:
Haven't you ever messed with a man's head just to see what you could get him to do for you? We do it all the time in the Library Department. You should come join us sometime.

Ron:
You've gotta help me break up with her.

Leslie:
I don't think I should get involved in this.

Ron:
Oh now you don't want to get involved? "It's just coffee Ron!" "She's changed Ron!" "I let Mark nail me and we're still friends!"

Leslie:
So would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over or would you rather wait outside?

Ron:
In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.

Leslie:
Here's the ground rules: Don't talk to her, do not make eye contact with her, don't believe anything she says. Just sit there like a potted plant. Can you do that?

Leslie:
So Tammy, for that and many other reasons, Ron has decided to end this relationship.

Tammy Two:
Wait a minute, Ron brought you here to break up with me for him?

Ron:
She volunteered.

Tammy Two:
Leslie, Ron doesn't wanna break up with me. What Ron wants to do is leave here right now, go to the sleaziest motel in town, and wrap himself around me like a coiled snake.

Ron:
I'm sorry Leslie, she wins. I can't resist her.

Leslie:
God Ron, you have to!

Tammy Two:
Stay out of this! This is our relationship. He's my man. And we have something twisted and beautiful. Oh...You want Ron. That's what this is all about.

Leslie:
No! That's insane! ...Fine, I had one dream. But no, no.

Tammy Two:
Baby, don't you see what's happening here? She's manipulating you because she's jealous of me, and the things I get to do to your body and face.

Leslie:
The only trails he's gonna be surveying are trails of lies and deception. Ron has a special deal with the park rangers. Every November they let him use their cabin so he can go on a secret hunting trip with all the guys in the office.

Tom:
Not all the guys. He's never taken me.

Leslie:
Fine. All the men.

Leslie:
Ron let's cut the bull. I want me, Tom and all the other ladies to be included on your hunting trip.

Ron:
Hunting trip? We're doing a trail survey Leslie.

Leslie:
You're literally listening to turkey calls!

Ron:
Oh is this not rap?

Ron:
Now every year before we go on our first hunt we do a toast so grab a beer. [everyone opens a beer] To the hunt.

Mark & Jerry:
Here here!

Leslie:
And to the hunters! The only way to defeat the beast, is to find the beast within.

[everyone except Ron cheers]

Tom:
Ron your toast sucked.

Ann:
Leslie you said that we were gonna hunt together.

Leslie:
Oh Ann, I always forget since you're so pretty you're not used to rejection.

Leslie:
Ron I got your hat! Are you in a lot of pain!?

Ron:
I was shot in the head with a shotgun!

Ann:
Ron it's actually not that serious. I just need you to stay calm okay?

Ron:
Yeah I'm just gonna stay angry! I find that relaxes me!

Ann:
Okay how are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Are you light headed?

Ron:
When I look at my palm I see a lady's mouth french kissing a dog. Is that normal?

Leslie:
Is that normal?

Ann:
Well the pain medication I gave you is pretty strong. Donna uses it for menstrual cramps. How many did you take?

Ron:
Seven...Eight! But I washed them down with plenty of fluids. [shows the empty bottle of scotch]

Ann:
No Ron you cannot drink scotch with this! You're gonna need to purge right now okay?

Ron:
No I'm not wasting twenty year scotch.

Ann:
Can you open his mouth Leslie?

Leslie:
What?

Ann:
Open his mouth!

Leslie:
Okay.

Ron:
I'm not making myself throw up.

Ann:
Ron you have to.

Leslie:
I'm sorry we have to do this! This is for your own good!

Ron:
I will bite you!

Ann:
Grab his mustache!

Leslie:
OPEN YOUR MOUTH!

Ron:
AHHHHHHHH!

Leslie:
Okay I think it's a little weird that nobody wants to admit they shot Ron in the head.

Tom:
Maybe Ron shot himself.

Leslie:
Hmmm he has seemed really depressed lately.

Mark:
He was shot in the back of the head!

Leslie:
You're right he loves the back of his head, he would never shoot himself there!

Tom:
It could've been someone else that shot Ron. Someone not in our group.

Jerry:
You think someone is hunting us?

Tom:
Man is the most dangerous game.

Donna:
For the Predator!

Tom:
I did smell something out there and it wasn't human.

Leslie:
That was pine trees.

Donna:
The predator can see heat.

Tom:
We should cover ourselves in mud. It could still be out there.

Ron:
You know Leslie the Superbowl's in a couple months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.

Leslie:
Ron, I'm really sorry that I ruined your weekend.

Ron:
Well perhaps the next time I'm enjoying some alone time in the men's restroom, you could invite yourself into my stall and shoot me in the head.

Leslie:
Look if there's anything I can do to make it up to you-

Ron:
Sure. How bout you shoot me in the head! Oh wait! You already did that!

Ron:
Maybe the next time I'm at the doctor's office getting my prostate examined you could come by and shoot me in the head.

Ron:
[to Leslie] You did good. You're a real stand-up guy. I'm sorry I lost my temper before. It's cause I was shot in the head by a moron.

Tom:
Dude Ron I'm so sorry.

Ron:
Apology not accepted moron.

Leslie:
The fourth floor is awful! The DMV, Divorce Filings, Probation Offices ugh. They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced.

Waiter:
You ready to order?

Donna:
Yes I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Velociwrap.

Leslie:
I'm gonna get the Tricerachops please.

Waiter:
How do you want that cooked?

Leslie:
Medium Roar.

Waiter:
Medium rare?

Leslie:
No, medium roar.

Waiter:
For legal reasons we're not allowed to make puns about the temperature of the meats anymore.

Applicant:
Sorry what do I get out of this?

Tom:
Connections. Plus 19 grand a year. Minus 10% Headhunters fee.

Applicant:
I have to pay you two grand if I get hired?

Tom:
I have a job to offer. In the immortal words of Rob Blagojevich, "it's a [bleep] valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing."

Ann:
This newspaper's from November 1986.

Leslie:
The first rumblings of Iran contra. Don't throw that out.

Ann:
I think I need to call child services and have Leslie taken away from herself.

[Watching the NutriYums Ad]

Leslie:
Wow that family looks so healthy. Look at them, they're all wearing vests.

Tom:
Can't believe these things are healthy.

Andy:
It's not that crazy. Krackle Bars, also healthy and delicious.

Donna:
No they're not.

Andy:
Yeah they actually have rice in them so...

Donna:
Oh Andy. You're fine but you're simple.

Ann:
Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big boned, plus sized chunk monsters...I call em like I see em.

[Leslie and Ann are at the library]

Leslie:
I hate it here, this place is evil.

Ann:
I think these are the only two films that say Sweetums on the label.

Leslie:
Yeah well let's take em both. We might find something interesting. Here just stick em under my shirt. We'll just walk out

Ann:
They have sensors! Just check them out it's free.

[They walk up to the front desk]

Leslie:
Hi Marcy.

Marcy:
Leslie! Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? Oh I guess not! It's a movie.

Leslie:
You're pretty cocky for someone who's job is obsolete because of the internet.

Marcy:
...Let's see. Hmm you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM.

Leslie:
NO I DON'T!

Marcy:
Yeah. You do.

Leslie:
...Ann grab the movies! GO! GO! GO! GO!

[Leslie makes a huge mess as she and Ann run away]

Leslie:
PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!

[After Ann's presentation at the public forum]

Ann:
Any questions?

Man #1:
If sugar's so bad how come Jesus made it taste so good?

Ann:
Uh... [turns to someone else] Yes?

Woman:
But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and muffins everyday of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.

Ann:
Right. [turns to someone else]

Man #2:
What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush.

Ann:
Oh boy. [turns to someone else]

Man #3:
How do we know you're really a nurse?

Ann:
I am I promise. I work at St. Joe's.

Man #3:
Well the point is my friend thinks you're cute. Gimme your number so he can have it.

Ann:
Yeah that's not gonna happen.

Man #3:
Can I have your email address? I just got on AOL.

Ann:
Oh my God. No!

Man #4:
I think we oughtta throw those bars out and eat ham and mayonnaise sandwiches.

Ann:
That's not a good idea.

Man #4:
Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! [starts a chant]

Ann:
[to Leslie] Oh my God I can't believe you do this every week.

Leslie:
I'm actually encouraged! The questions are more relevant than usual!

Leslie:
Wow, Mr. Newport Junior thank you so much for coming but, don't you think that every person has the right to know what they're putting in their bodies? Right everybody?

Random Citizen:
Is Shoelace here!? Where's Shoelace!?

Nick Newport Jr.:
Shoelace couldn't make it. But I do agree with this nice lady. That's why I say, we should let the people be the judge. Denver?

Denver:
Everybody! Check under your seats!

[Everyone finds free Sweetums stuff under their seats and starts cheering]

Leslie:
Denver you little son of a bitch.

Leslie:
They only honor women and Ron's the opposite of a woman.

Ron:
What's going on?

April:
You're umm Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like.

Ron:
...Well it's about time.

Andy:
You're like an angel with no wings.

April:
So like a person...

Leslie:
I think the Pawnee chapter of the IOW made a little mistake.

Ron:
[sarcastically] Really!? You're saying a women's organization made a mistake!?

Leslie:
I was as surprised as you were. But the fact is they only give that award to women.

Ron:
Hmm well it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter.

Leslie:
Yeah but it also mentioned my camp project.

Ron:
Ah yes Camp Xena.

Leslie:
Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name.

Ron:
Well I almost got it. I was pretty close.

Leslie:
No.

Leslie:
How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? Take care of that did you?

Ron:
Nope. Passed the buck to Donna.

Leslie:
That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner.

Ron:
Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award.

Leslie:
Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for her achievements. What do you have Ron!?

Ron:
I have the Dorothy Everytime Smurf girl trophy for excellence in female stuff.

Leslie:
Dorothy Everton Smyth! I swear to God...

Tom:
Okay! First come, first serve. Who's in!? Jerry?

Jerry:
Oh jeeze Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks I gotta ask my wife.

Tom:
Jerry get out.

Elise Yarktin:
The media has all but written us off as a niche interest group. But if you give a woman's award to a mustachioed, masculine man such as yourself well then eventually people take notice.

Ron:
I don't want the damn thing.

Elise Yarktin:
Well we're giving it to you. So you're going to take it...like a man. So congratulations!

[cut to Leslie being interviewed]

Leslie:
The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson...Oh my God what is happening!?

Elise Yarktin:
Oh I'm sorry this area is for award winners only.

Leslie:
Ugh get over yourself Elise.

Ron:
Work on the speech. Let's nail these women...you know what I mean.

Leslie:
Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole of the public golf course. And he's actually number three on the parks department most wanted pests list. Right behind the bats who like to poop on the bell tower. And "Poopy" the raccoon who poops all over the high school cafeteria.

Leslie:
Eugene! Boy we have a really important job for you.

Eugene:
We'll get to it first thing Monday.

Leslie:
Today's Wednesday...Look this is not a request.

Andy:
We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.

Leslie:
Office. I need your two best guys to join me and be a part of my task force.

Eugene:
That would be Harris and Brett...But they're not here.

[Harris and Brett are clearly visible in the background]

Tom:
Isn't that them there?

Eugene:
Nope.

Tom:
Yo Brett!

Brett:
Yo!

Harris:
Dude!

Leslie:
Listen that stupid possum is on the golf course again. Would you rather I capture it myself and just call you so you can come and pick it up?

Eugene:
Okay!

Ron:
Hey Mark! Welcome to my haven.

Mark:
Thank you.

Ron:
You're the first non-me to set foot in here in ten years.

Mark:
Ummm Ron none of this is up to code.

Ron:
Sure it is! It's up to the Swanson code.

Mark:
There's no drainage. Doesn't appear to be any ventilation. You got hazardous chemicals over here.

Ron:
Yeah which only I'm breathing. The same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?

Mark:
There is a basket of oil-soaked rags hanging above a wood-burning stove.

Ron:
Good thing I've got a fire extinguisher. Which I assure you is totally up to your precious code.

Mark:
Umm this says it should be recharged June of 1996.

Ron:
Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine. Observe. Watch yourself.

[Ron tries to use the fire extinguisher but only a little liquid dribbles out]

Ron:
Okay. I'll replace this. Happy?

Joan Callamezzo:
That segment was a disaster! Don't ever fuck me like that again! This is Pawnee Fucking Today! Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you?! You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight.

Leslie:
Yes ma'am.

Ron:
Where the hell are you going!? We have 91 more meetings!

Leslie:
I'm sorry Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all time City Hall single-day meetings record, there is an emergency! Someone is trying to alter a gazebo!

April:
Do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion!

Citizen:
Your department banned me from attending games just because I yell "You Suck" at the players.

Ron:
According to the complaint you yelled it at 5-year-old girls.

Citizen:
WHO SUCK! WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND!?

Citizen:
I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.

April:
I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's...currently dead.

Citizen:
Oh.

April:
I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it's his last wish that I have this meeting with you.

Ron:
April was supposed to be the moat that kept the barbarians away from Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.

Man:
I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car trouble.

April:
Sorry he's busy right now.

[View of Ron carving a wooden swan in his office]

Man:
Oh Uh...well can I reschedule?

April:
Sure. Hmm how about June 50th?

Man:
Sorry?

April:
Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.

Man:
What is going on?

April:
Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember Oneteenth. Does that work sir?

[The man hurriedly walks away. The phone rings and April hangs it up without answering it. Ron smiles and nods his approval]

Chris:
I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

Lucy:
My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and communists. He hated both.