Parks and Recreation, Season 6

Andy:
Look, Hogwarts.

Ben:
No, that's Buckingham Palace. Hogwarts is fictional. You do know that, don't you? It's important to me that you know that.

Ron:
History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.

Ron:
I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here?

Leslie:
Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops.

Ron:
Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher shops first.

Ron:
I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the stench of European socialism.

Tom:
Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an island. In space.

Ben:
Hey, you wanted to see me?

Chris:
I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast!

Ben:
Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name.

Leslie:
Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817! Except, you know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets and we no longer burn widows for learning arithmetic.

Leslie:
There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm told is a fancy horse riding thing.

Alonso:
It is horse dancing madam!

Leslie:
Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in your saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments!

April:
Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law!

Leslie:
No!

Leslie:
I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new filing temp...

Jerry:
[walking in] Hey everybody!

April:
NOOOOO!

Tom:
Noooo! Why!? This can't be happening!

Ron:
Why Leslie!?

Chris:
When we were state auditors we had an amazing system.

Ben:
Chris would pump everyone up and made them feel positive and happy and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons!

Chris:
Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing!

Ben:
You're all fired!

Chris:
Teamwork!

Jerry:
When Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were getting on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said Gayle, put that Bikini away. Because Pawnee needs me.

April:
I'm sorry was your name Jennifer?

Tynnyfer:
No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but then I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops some pills]

April:
...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.

Tynnyfer:
I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up where do I get that?

April:
Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona?

Tynnyfer:
I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of them before. Are they better!?

April:
Winona rocks my world.

Tynnyfer:
Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. Must. Must.

[cut to April being interviewed]

April:
She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.

Leslie:
Hey this is a surprise!

Ann:
Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could hear some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird?

Leslie:
Is everything okay?

Ann:
Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn.

Leslie:
Oh hello!

Ann:
She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.

Evelyn:
There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are very healthy.

Leslie:
Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you because Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the only known occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.

Ann:
Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk some more words into Leslie's face.

Leslie:
Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, with your tiny little doll feet.

Ann:
Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.

Leslie:
What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster!

Leslie:
Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties?

April:
[still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking like so much forever!

Tynnyfer:
It's all so delicious!

April:
I know right!?

Tynnyfer:
This is like the best day ever!

April:
I know I'm eating it all up!

Leslie:
Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of...wilting away like a...dying turd flower...

April:
Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut!

Tynnyfer:
And Skank!

April:
How crazmazing is that Les!?

Leslie:
Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings!

Donna:
Yeah hi, is there, and I'm just guessing here, some kind of medication that you maybe need a lot of and have taken none of or maybe too much of today?

Craig:
Oh I have a medical condition alright, it's called caring too much! AND IT'S INCURABLE! ...Also, I have eczema.

Leslie:
Alright Donna there's gonna have to be some cut-backs. I mean your job is secure of course. You're basically the glue of this department. But I think Craig's gonna have to go.

Donna:
No you should keep him. He's crazy intense but I've never met anyone who cares more about this job.

Leslie:
Huh Donna. I'm right here.

Donna:
No joke. He might care more than you. Honestly if I had to choose between him and me, I'd choose him.

Leslie:
What are you saying, are you thinking about leaving!?

Donna:
I wasn't planning on it but I could. You know I got the condo in Seattle, the fiance in Denver...

Leslie:
Huh!?

Donna:
It won't last.

Ann:
Okay we need to talk!

Leslie:
I'm sorry Ann I can't understand you. You've developed some accent from that new town you might move to!

[Everyone is reacting angrily to Leslie's contracts]

Ron:
Why are you doing this?

Leslie:
What's the big deal? I'm just trying to stop time with legally binding friendship contracts! What part of that do you not understand!?

Ron:
You have lost your mind.

April:
[still talking like Tynnyfer] I think you need a spa day Les.

[Everyone storms out]

Leslie:
Fine! You only have to work here until I'm dead! Is that better!?

Ron:
What in the name of all that is holy is that smell?

Eagleton Ron:
Yerba Mate tea. Sweetened with stevia. It's an all-natural plant extract.

Ron:
Shut your damn mouth.

Eagleton Ron:
No need to curse.

Ron:
There most certainly is!

Leslie:
Okay all Eagleton people meet me in the conference room. All Pawnee people...sit at your desks and take it personally.

Leslie:
So what's your story new Ann? You're kinda pretty. I mean you're not "Ann pretty" but you have potential.

Evelyn:
...Thank you but I don't work in this department-

Leslie:
Shut your kinda pretty mouth and eat a mustard cookie.

[Leslie is trying to become best friends with the Eagleton doppelgangers]

Leslie:
Okay so let's chit chat huh? Let's get to know each other and then become familiar best friends.

Craig:
I don't have time for this. I'm halfway through designing a bamboo gazebo as a tribute to the founders of Motown!

Leslie:
Haha! That's so Craig! Oh Craig we have fun don't we? Do you guys remember when this all started? I came here with the cookies and then Craig said something so Craig and we all laughed and we were like "Craig!" ...Do you...do you think it would be weird if we held hands? Probably.

[Ron walks in and grabs Leslie]

Ron:
This way please.

Leslie:
Excuse me Ron, I am talking to my best friends! Let me go! Best friends attack Ron!

[Everyone looks very confused]

Ron:
Okay. Enough is enough. What is wrong with you woman!?

Leslie:
I don't have to explain myself to you! I am the Czar! I can do as I please. Those who cross the Czar, feel the wrath of the Czar!

Ron:
...

Leslie:
Ann is thinking about leaving Pawnee. Moving. With Chris.

Ron:
Well that's nice.

Leslie:
Nice, Ron!? Edible arrangements are nice. This is volcanically hot betrayal!

Leslie:
We all know that I can not spend as much money on ads as my opponent but, I printed out 10,000 "Don't" stickers and 10,000 question mark stickers. That way, if you see a sign that says "Recall Knope," all you need to do is add the question mark and the "Don't" and suddenly it reads "Recall Knope? Don't."

Donna:
Why don't you just put the "Don't" in front of "Recall Knope?"

Leslie:
...Yeah that's a much better idea.

April:
Can I have these question mark stickers?

Leslie:
Why?

April:
I wanna put them on stop signs! [runs out]

Leslie:
April no!

Ron:
That's your will? You need that many pages to say "Give my stuff to my wife"?

Ben:
It's a complicated legal document.

Ron:
It doesn't have to be. [pulls a piece of paper from wallet] I've had the same will since I was eight years old.

Ben:
[reading it] "Upon my death, all my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?

Ron:
The man who kills me will know.

Ben:
Ok, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.

Ron:
The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman and doctor. Pass.

Ben:
Ron, that document is nothing, it's not even notarized. You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.

Ron:
[pause] Where is this lawyer you speak of?

Leslie:
That's what you really think of me? You think I'm annoying?

Donna:
Leslie, sometimes you're kind of annoying. I mean I thought that was your thing.

Leslie:
My thing?! My thing is not being annoying! My things are making friendship bracelets and dancing like nobody's watching and thinking up really cool nicknames for my friends. You of all people should know that El Diablo!

Donna:
Look the only reason I'm even on twitter is to blow off steam about work and tweet nasty stuff to dudes with washboard abs.

Leslie:
I have a question for you. Do you think I'm annoying?

Chris:
No.

Leslie:
Are you lying?

Chris:
No.

Leslie:
Are you trying to protect my feelings?

Chris:
No.

Leslie:
Do you think I'm being annoying right now?

Chris:
Yes.

Leslie:
So you do think I'm annoying!

Chris:
I think you ask a lot of the people that you work with. And I think that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of things. I like cooking. And racquetball!

Leslie:
Now who's annoying?

Chris:
I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets. And turns out there's some more things that she said about you: "Message to the recall haters-You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. #BossBitch."

Leslie:
"Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a bullet for me. #SisterFromAnotherMister #BossBitch."

Chris:
It appears whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly an indication of her frustration, "BossBitch" is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball, for your mouth.

Leslie:
I'm sorry if I can be a little annoying at times. But one person's annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic. So you know who are we to judge?

Donna:
And I'm sorry for writing those things. Some of those things.

Leslie:
I can't promise that I won't be...inspiring and heroic in the future.

Donna:
And I can't promise that I won't complain about it.

Leslie:
Deal.

[They shake hands]

Leslie:
I got you an apology present.

Donna:
Oh?

Leslie:
It's all of your favorite lipsticks and nail polishes and I got the same ones too. I printed out a schedule so we can wear them at the same time. Now I would like you to open each one in front of me and tell me how you feel about them individually.

Donna:
Let me take a picture.

Leslie:
Are you tweeting this?

Donna:
Mmmhmm.

Leslie:
What's the hashtag gonna be? "BossBitch" or "BitchBoss?"

Donna:
Yeah it's "PsychoBoss."

Leslie:
Well, I don't hate that.

Leslie:
I cannot wait to hear your Travolta.

Jamm:
Uh no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're Zuko.

[Cut to karaoke bar where Jamm and Leslie are singing Summer Nights from Grease]

Chris:
[To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty!

Tom:
Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for the land.

Ron:
Why would he tear down a perfectly good cabin?

Donna:
I think he's a developer who wants to put in a luxury glamp ground. Glamping is Glamour Camping. Heated tents, catered meals, Wi-Fi...

Ron:
You're describing a hotel.

Jamm:
You know in some weird, perverted, sexual way I'm gonna miss you when you're gone.

Leslie:
Oh...

Jamm:
You are my nemesis. You're the Superman to my Lex Luthor.

Leslie:
You want to be Lex Luthor?

Jamm:
Uhh yeah! Lex Luthor is rich.

Leslie:
Well okay. I can't argue with that.

Leslie:
Ann Arbor!? Sounds disgusting!

Chris:
She already has family there and I have a new job lined up at the University of Michigan. Go Blue!

Leslie:
...

Chris:
It's a good town and it's a great place to raise a family.

Leslie:
What is great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there! There's no "Welcome to Pawnee" sign! I mean the stupid state is split up into two pieces! It's ridiculous!

Jamm:
Unexpected play here Superman. Not entirely sure what you're going for but I dig your gambit.

Leslie:
There is no gambit here Jamm. And who sides with Lex Luthor by the way!? You probably watch Million Dollar Baby and root for the stool.

Jamm:
I haven't seen it. Not a big Morgan Freeman guy. I find his voice very grating.

Leslie:
I am leaving now. I'm not moving I'm just going home.

[After making a deal with Jamm]

Jamm:
Deal guys. You must really want that park.

Leslie:
I do yes. And to tell you the truth, I'd doing it all for my best friend. [talking about Ann]

Jamm:
That's all I wanted to hear. Leslie, you're my best friend too.

Leslie:
...

Leslie:
Are you sure you're okay with what you did?

Chris:
Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope.

Leslie:
Mmmhmmm

Chris:
And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away.

Leslie:
Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening.

Ben:
Okay just a reminder guys, today is Leslie's last day as a city counselor so everyone be extra supportive.

Ron:
Already done. When she walked past me this morning I gave her a kind nod.

Ben:
...Heartwarming! Also, I wanna get her a present to cheer her up on her last day. Any ideas?

Donna:
A "sorry you lost your dream job" gift? That's a tough one. Stay away from wine! Wine is crying juice.

Larry:
Well I mean you know her better than anybody. What does she really want more than anything in the world?

Ben:
...A nice candle! I'm screwed.

Leslie:
Lucky for me, I've processed all my feelings. And I've gone through the five stages of grief: Denial, anger, internet commenting, cat adoption, African dance, cat returning to the adoption place, watching all the episodes of Murphy Brown, and not giving a flying fart...How many stages it that? I don't know, the point is I'm fine now.

[Ann and Chris are having their ultrasound with Dr. Saperstein]

Dr. Saperstein:
So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus I've ever seen. This could be a superhero!

Chris:
Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!

Ann:
We love you!

Dr. Saperstein:
I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex?

Chris:
Oh my God! Should we?

Ann:
No, right? Or maybe yes?

Chris:
Is there an option other than yes or no?

Dr. Saperstein:
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down. Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila!

Ann:
That'll be fun!

Chris:
It's like the Oscars!

Ann:
Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great!

Chris:
...

[Ann and Chris are having lunch]

Chris:
I would be thrilled if we have a girl!

Ann:
Aww tiny dresses! Braids! Glitter on everything! Forget it!

Chris:
And also girls' names are so cute! Daisy, Annabelle, Lily...

Ann:
Olive, Rosemary...Chicken...Fifty burritos...Oh my God I'm starving! [To the waitress] Miss! Hi! I'm pregnant and I'm a little bit crazy so if you don't bring our appetizers out in the next 30 seconds I'm gonna plunge your face into the deep fryer!

[The waitress starts nervously walking away]

Chris:
And also two waters please but no hurry.

Ann:
Thank you!

[reading Dr. Saperstein's note]

Chris:
We are having a...distributions.

Ann:
...

Chris:
That's what it looks like. "Distributions."

Ann:
Let me see that. It says "Congratulations"...I think. Then it says "I Leg Smurf," are we having a smurf?

Chris:
We are having a "Eleven..Jewel...Toilet."

Ann:
I can't tell what's words and what's punctuation! The suspense is killing me!

Chris:
I'm calling Dr. Saperstein.

Ann:
I'm calling Domino's. Think Domino's delivers to this restaurant? I hope so.

Leslie:
Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.

Everyone:
...

Leslie:
Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's happening? Right?

Tom:
Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the worst.

Leslie:
April?

April:
I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it.

Leslie:
Andy?

Andy:
I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three days.

Leslie:
Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words carry great influence so what do you think I should do?

Ron:
I do not think that you should run again.

Leslie:
What the Hell do you know dum-dum!?

Jennifer:
Ben bought one hour of my time. I heard you need some consulting?

Leslie:
Well uh...I guess. I mean how are you? How's your family?

Jennifer:
Okay I get paid $1200 an hour. Do you really wanna spend any of that time talking about my mother and her 19-year-old Korean husband?

Leslie:
...That does sound fascinating but you're right, let's talk.

Jennifer:
Now you might win. You're smart, Ben is smart, you might win. But why would you want to?

Leslie:
Because it's my dream job.

Jennifer:
Then dream bigger. Look, you love this town. It’s being run by monsters and morons? Get a better job! Rise above their heads! Effect change at a higher level! Don't be the kid that graduates high school, then hangs out in the school parking lot. Be the woman who moves away, climbs the ladder, and confidently comes back and has sex with her hot old English teacher just for kicks.

Leslie:
Is that what you did?

Jennifer:
Yeah, Mr. Baker. Sex was pretty good, thanks to me. Look, Pawnee has done you a favor. You’ve outgrown them. You’ve got talent, you’ve got name recognition, which means that you have a bright, wide open future with a thousand options. State Senate. Federal jobs. Even Congress. All of these are doable for you. And you can trust me...because I don’t care enough about you to lie.

Jennifer:
Uh oh. Oh time's up. Okay if you want to keep talking you're gonna have to pay me 1200 more dollars.

Leslie:
Uh...I just need to...

Jennifer:
I swear to God if you say one more word, you will legally owe me $1200 and I will sue you! Let's not end it like that! Okay. Great to see you Leslie. Those five words are on me. [Starts to move chair back] Should I move this back? Don't answer it!

Leslie:
Okay Ron, enough's enough let's talk plans for Diane's baby shower.

Ron:
Dear God woman!

Leslie:
Three main activities: baby bingo, baby food tasting and my personal favorite, baby onesie decorating station. I wanna make mine look like an astronaut. What are you doin up there in space baby!? Ugh! So cute! Okay, I have some gift ideas. I was looking at a very adorable stroller.

Ron:
We already have a stroller. [motions to the corner]

Leslie:
Oh shoot really? I have to think of something else. [Leslie spots baby John in the corner and gasps] Oh my God, whose baby is that!?

Ron:
That would be mine.

Leslie:
Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!

Andy:
Oh, Ron. Cool baby.

Ron:
Thank you Andrew. Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to my son, John, middle name redacted, Swanson. John was born some time ago weighing multiple pounds and several ounces. Much like his father he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Leslie:
How am I supposed to keep my voice down when you had your baby, and you didn't tell me that you had your baby!

Ron:
Why would you need to know something like that?

Leslie:
[pacing frantically] Why would I!? Oh my God! I have not even sent Diane a gift! She's just walking around wondering why I haven't sent her a gift yet!

April:
Should we do something?

Ron:
Just let her tire herself out.

Larry:
If you need anything from us Ron please just let us know.

Ron:
Actually there is something. Could one of you please stop at the pet store and pick up some fish food for me?

Leslie:
WHEN DID YOU GET A FISH!?

April:
Hey one question: where are you gonna stand? In front of the graffiti that says "Pawnee You Suck" or "Go Home Eagleton Snobs"

Leslie:
I painted over that graffiti a week ago! These people are the worst! I cannot announce a unity concert in front of a picture of a bald eagle giving the middle finger.

Andy:
Yeah you probably want to stand to the side so people could see it.

Leslie:
A few years ago Eagleton put up this wall along the border, now it is time to tear down this wall!

[Applause from crowd]

Leslie:
In the name of unity I have given some former Eagletonians the first strike. Take it away guys!

[Two Eagletonians smash a hole in the wall]

Leslie:
It's such a great day for... [A swarm of bees erupts from the hole] BEES! BEES! NOBODY PANIC!

[Everyone immediately starts panicking, screaming and running around as the bees attack]

Craig:
[running away] OHHH NOOO!

Random Citizen:
AHHHH IT STUNG ME IN THE EYEBALL!

Jamm:
[filming the disaster] Haha oh man this is amazing man! The stupid Eagletonians are totally getting PWNED by these bees! Gonna send this straight to Tosh! [Gets stung] OW FUCK! FUCK!

Andy:
[shielding April] Don't worry babe I'll protect you! I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me bees! It does nothing!

Reporter:
Leslie, it appears that most of the people who were stung were from Eagleton. How did you pull that off?

Leslie:
I didn't pull anything off. The Eagletonians were simply closest to the wall. Plus one Pawneean was stung...in his mouth because he was laughing at the Eagletonians.

Reporter:
How did you get your bees into the wall and how long did it take to plan this hilarious bee prank on Eagleton?

Leslie:
They were not my bees Todd and for the last time, this was not a prank! I did not know that bees were in that wall! I mean in fact you should treat this like a public service announcement. Everybody...should check their walls for bees!

Reporter:
Nice try prank queen, probably bees in there!

Leslie:
Okay that's all the time I have. [Starts walking out]

Reporter:
What else can you do with your bees!?

Reporter:
Leslie what's your next prank!?

Larry:
Leslie, Grant Larson is on the phone from the National Parks Service.

Leslie:
I can't meet with him right now. We are in crisis mode okay! Larry, just tell him I need to reschedule because I am trying to fix my bee hole disaster!

Larry:
Okey dokey.

Leslie:
Wait no! Wait no Larry! Don't tell him that! ...Don't mention my bee hole.

Leslie:
I am so incredibly sorry.

Eagletonian:
That's very kind of you Miss Knope.

Leslie:
I hope you look a lot less gross very soon.

Jamm:
Hey thanks for coming Knope! I knew we were besties. What do you go there for me? Some dirty mags?

Leslie:
No! These gift baskets are for innocent victims. Not for jerks who got stung because they were laughing at other people's pain!

Jamm:
Whatever. I got a lot of filth on my kindle anyway. We can just hang.

Mike Patterson:
Welcome to Eagleton Now with Mike Patterson. We're live ambushing Leslie Knope who's in the middle of a crass publicity stunt shoving cameras into the faces of these poor, injured victims.

Leslie:
These are your cameras. This is not a publicity stunt. I just came here by myself to apologize to all the Eagletonians who got stung.

Mike Patterson:
Really!? Because all we see is you talking to your friend, known Eagleton hater, Jeremy Jamm.

Jamm:
Excuse me Mike, that's best friend.

Leslie:
Pawneeans and Eagletonians need to find a way to come together and bury the hatchet. It doesn't matter who bailed out who or who seceded from who!

Jamm:
Awesome idea Leslie. Matter of fact, I say we should succeed from Eagleton! Whose dumb-ass idea was it for them to merge anyway!?

Leslie:
Mine! It was my idea!

Mike Patterson:
You heard it here first, self proclaimed dumb-ass Leslie Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm are spearheading a Pawnee secession movement. And I for one am sick of it.

Leslie:
The point is, will you go to Prom with me?

Ben:
Well I thought you'd never ask...because we're nearing forty. Of course I will.

Leslie:
Yay! Prom!

Leslie:
Tom, you're in charge of music.

Ben:
Aww man. Well alright.

Leslie:
Aww did you wanna DJ little puppy? I didn't know that little puppies could operate an ipod with their little puppy paws.

Donna:
Ewww. And Booo. This kind of thing is getting out of hand with you two. Ya'll are an official warning.

Leslie:
Wow! Are those Jens Trauder Colored Tabs!? I thought those were discontinued.

Allison:
They were. I had to order them through some Mexican back channels.

Leslie:
Juan Julio Officina Supplies!? I thought they went out of business!

Allison:
They did but they opened up a new one in Oxaca.

Ben:
...What is happening right now?

April:
Fine. I'll go with you because Leslie's making us and we live together and we only have one car right now because you laked mine.

Larry:
What does laked mean?

Andy:
I tried to jump it over a lake! Why don't you stay out of our conversations Larry!

Larry:
Will do! [chuckles and walks off]

Leslie:
We here at the Parks Department have something called the "April Ludgate Summer Solstice Druid Festival and Buffalo Wings Eating Contest" ...I don't know why I let her name it. It's basically a summer internship program.

Ron:
What brings you to the festering putrid stink hole on the armpit of freedom?

Allison:
...

Leslie:
That's what he calls City Hall.

Allison:
Leslie was just telling me about your summer internship and I was thinking about taking it.

Ron:
[laughing] Oh no no no no! No! I respect your father too much to let his daughter work for free for the government. Why don't you get a paying job for the summer?

Leslie:
Why don't you shut your mustache!?

Allison & Ron:
...

Leslie:
Sorry.

Ben:
My Prom was right after I got impeached so I couldn't leave the house without being egged. But my parents threw me a Prom in our living room...I think I'm still messed up from it.

Leslie:
[in a squeaky helium voice] I know what you're doing Ron and I will defeat you! Mark my words!

Ron:
Stop wasting helium. It is intended for welding and filling airships.

Ron:
I attended Prom with Susan Hoffler. I picked her up in my truck, we slow danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at the quarry. I was twelve years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown it.

Andy:
Look around. The bloom of youth. Like flowers on the sunset of an eagle's poetry.

April:
Andy. I hate teenagers!

Andy:
If you give this a chance, you're gonna love it. I promise. It's like the movie Expendables 2. First time, hated it. Second time, hated it. Third time, it was okay. Then the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, tenth time I watched it, I realized something. It's just it's not good. It's not a good movie. Now that I've convinced you, why don't we go dance?

Leslie:
So have you ever pulled a ceremonial chord before? There's a little trick to it. You wanna hold it not too tight, sort of like a firm handshake, and then move towards the ground in a rope-pulling motion.

Allison:
So just...pull the rope.

Leslie:
That's right!

Donna:
I didn't go to my Prom. I was dating an older man at the time. Like I'm gonna dance with a bunch of kids while he's coaching Duke to the final four.

April:
I just wanna go home but I feel bad because Andy's having such a good time.

[view of Andy having a dance off and having a great time]

April:
How can I love someone when I hate everything he loves?

Donna:
That's not true. He loves a lot of dumb stuff but he loves you the most. If something's bothering you, just tell him. It's always better to be direct.

[guy walks up to Donna]

Guy:
Hey girl. Are you ready to go?

Donna:
I feel like I told you to wait in the car.

Guy:
...Yeah. [walks off]

Donna:
See? Be direct.

Ron:
Sorry children. Forget that this happened. Continue with your awkward, close quarters gyrating.

[Ron starts rushing Leslie off the stage]

Leslie:
And if this is the evening you decide to have sex use protection please!

Girl:
Where'd you get that dress?

April:
I was buried in it.

Girl:
... [awkwardly walks away]

Ben:
You may be old, but you'll never be as old as me.

Tom:
Yeah. You're old as shit! Thanks Ben.

Ben:
Glad I could help.

Allison:
Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend.

[Greg Pikitis walks up and puts his arm around Allison]

Leslie:
[shocked] ...Greg Pikitis?

Greg:
What up Knope!?

Leslie:
Hello Gregory.

Allison:
You guys know each other?

Leslie:
You might say that.

Greg:
Come on baby, let's get out of here.

[Greg and Allison walk away]

Ron:
It's that horrible kid who used to prank us all the time right?

Leslie:
Offer's off the table. She's a terrible person with terrible judgement.

[Leslie tries to walk away and causes a huge mess due to Greg secretly stapling her dress to a tablecloth]

Leslie:
PIKITIS!

Leslie:
It's flu season again and I cannot get sick! I have too much work to do. Unfortunately Pawnee is like a breeding ground for disease...due to our poor hygiene habits and raccoon density. It's deeply ingrained in our town's history. We used to crown Miss Influenza every year. The CDC called the pageant "ethically reprehensible."

Leslie:
Stock up on Kleenex! Don't touch your face! Don't touch anything! People are dropping like flies! We already had to quarantine Larry.

[Larry emerges from a tent around his desk]

Larry:
Leslie, I don't feel good. Can I just work from home?

Leslie:
The tent is your home now Larry. We already forwarded your mail.

April:
April Ludgate, professional drinker.

Woman:
Uhh where did you study Ms. Ludgate?

April:
The Wine...Academy.

Woman:
The Wine Academy!? In Bordeaux!?

April:
Yes!

Woman:
Carol. Make sure she's in Group A.

Craig:
Excuse me I want in too. I know I don't look the part but I know everything about wine and I will prove it! My name is Craig Middlebrooks and this is my debit rewards card!

Andy:
I guess while you get your medicine I'll just stroll through the candy isles but won't get any.

Leslie:
You can buy two candies.

Andy:
TWO!? [runs off]

Pharmacist:
Can I help you?

Leslie:
I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, lot of barfing, it's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do so I need the good stuff. The Mariah needs to sing tonight stuff.

[Craig and April are describing wines for a panel]

Craig:
Pumpkin. Undertones of lavender. Medium plus body. It's mostly pumpkin. There's so much pumpkin it's like a Charlie Brown Halloween special!

April:
I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.

Craig:
It's new world. Northern California. Nappa Valley. Someplace beautiful and warm and amazing where everyone is in great shape and the night sky is full of stars!

April:
This comes from...your mother's butt.

Chip McCapp:
Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!? And stack em for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid!

Chip's Dad/Manager:
You got it Chip!

Chip McCapp:
Ugh my dad is such an idiot.

Andy & Leslie:
...

Chip's Dad/Manager:
Here you go Chip.

Chip McCapp:
Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey! You dick! I want ham!

Chip's Dad/Manager:
Sorry son they were out of ham.

Chip McCapp:
Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then?

[throws plate at his Dad]

Chip McCapp:
Pick em up skip.

Andy:
[whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that!

Leslie:
[whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him.

Chip McCapp:
Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!

Chip's Dad/Manager:
Anticipating Chip!

Official:
Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of a Sommelier Certificate.

April:
Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so much everyone! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid.

Official:
Security!

[security begins to escort April out]

April:
I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh Pluto Nash. All the Klumps...

Eagleton Ron:
Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine evening?

Ron:
Motherfucker!

Ben:
Whoa where'd you come from?

Eagleton Ron:
Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.

Ben:
...What?

Eagleton Ron:
Hello Ron.

Ben:
Ron, you know this hobo?

Eagleton Ron:
He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.

Ben:
Dude, are you a ghost?

Eagleton Ron:
Am I?

Ben:
...What is happening right now!?!

Leslie:
You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms! ...That makes us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go Andy!

Tom:
Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.

Craig:
I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!

Leslie:
How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?

Andy:
Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine.

[April, Tom and Donna are testing Craig]

Craig:
Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?

Tom:
Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red.

Craig:
You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with your fish.

Donna:
No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine.

April:
I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around please.

Craig:
...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out]

Tom:
Seems to be keeping it together

Craig:
[from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!

[Craig comes back with the wine]

Craig:
For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white.

Tom:
Thanks very much!

Craig:
Enjoy. [walks out]

Tom:
I think I might have found my new sommelier.

Craig:
[from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!

Tom:
I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof.

Ben:
So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items.

April:
I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.

Leslie:
That's great April! How'd you do that!?

April:
It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.

Leslie:
We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The Stream with a Sacagawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators, microphones, water, that boring stuff too.

Andy:
I am not good at keeping secrets! That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.

Kyle:
ANDY! COME ON!

Andy:
Ah! See!

Kyle:
Not cool man!

Andy:
Not him! Not that Kyle!

Donna:
You wanted to see me?

Ron:
Yes. I need to ask you for a...favor.

Donna:
WHAT!? Ron Swanson asking for help!?

Ron:
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN WOMAN!

[Leslie is getting an ultrasound]

Dr. Saperstein:
Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's your healthy baby!

Leslie:
Oh wow.

Dr. Saperstein:
Oh! And there's another one!

Ben:
The baby has two bodies?

Leslie:
Twins! Ben we're having twins!

Dr. Saperstein :
No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here.

Leslie:
...Triplets!? Triplets!?

Dr. Saperstein:
And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare!

Ben:
Triplets...

Leslie:
Triplets...

Leslie:
I can't believe it! We knocked it out of the park on the first try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court!

Ben:
This is insane.

Leslie:
This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now we got the proof!

Dr. Saperstein:
Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale."

Ben:
[to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to RELAX?!

[Leslie enters]

Leslie:
Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?

Ben:
Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love you.

[Leslie exits]

Ben:
[to the camera] We are so fucking screwed.

Andy:
Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying.

April:
Lie.

Andy:
Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has.

April:
...

Andy:
Leslie is dying-

April:
No.

Andy:
They're both dying.

April:
No!

Andy:
I'm dying.

April:
...

Andy:
Chris and Ann are moving.

April:
They already moved.

Andy:
They are moving again to China...town in France.

April:
No!

Andy:
Okay! Fine do you really wanna know?

April:
Yes!

Andy:
Leslie. Is. A spy.

April:
No.

Andy:
Tom has something wrong with his butt.

April:
Oh my God.

Leslie:
Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who just hit triple cherries in her uterus.

Ben:
We're screwed.

Ben:
Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars!

Leslie:
Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time.

April:
Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you.

Andy:
It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to keep my word.

[April shrugs]

Andy:
But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready?

April:
Okay!

[Leslie & Ben walk in]

Leslie:
Everybody if you could gather around!

Andy:
[pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!

Ben:
You're ready?

Leslie:
Not at all. But that's never stopped us before.