Rick and Morty, Season 3

Cornvelious Daniel:
I can see why you chose this family-friendly restaurant to represent your cerebellum. So safe, so comfortable, so Shoney's. But admit it, Rick—you're going crazy cooped up in here. Let's go visit some memories.

Rick:
Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel? [Cornvelious Daniel is squealing with arousal] Ooh, your little flappy doodles are twitching. Does that mean you're aroused, or did you just get a signal that one of your buddies found a grape?

Cornvelious Daniel:
It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun.

Rick:
Yeah, well, tough titties. [the restaurant starts crumbling around Cornvelious Daniel and Rick]

Cornvelious Daniel:
There's no tougher titty than a psychotic break, Rick.

Rick:
Well, that depends on who breaks first—me or the titty.

Riq IV:
Operating an unregistered portal gun, radicalizing a Summer, conspiring with a traitorous Rick. How do you plead?

Morty:
How is this a fair trial? O-Our lawyer is a Morty!

Riq IV:
It's not fair, you have no rights, and he's not a lawyer. We just keep him here because he's fun. Look at him go! [he laughs as "Lawyer" Morty drops his papers and dances around] We'll be lenient if you renounce your Rick. What say you, Summer?

Summer:
I say "fuck you"! My grandpa was my hero! You killed him because you were jealous of him, that's pretty obvious from the haircuts. So do what you want to me, but let my brother go. He already renounced Rick.

Riq IV:
Morty?

Morty:
["Lawyer" Morty whispers to him] What? N-No, I don't want to see your Pog collection! I don't renounce Rick, and I never have. I was just trying to protect my sister. [to Summer, who looks stunned and more sympathetic] I wanted you to have a normal life. That's something you can't have when Rick shows up. Everything real turns fake, everything right is wrong - all you know is that you know nothing and he knows everything. And, well... well, he's not a villain, Summer, but he shouldn't be your hero. He's more like a demon, or a super fucked-up god.

Riq IV:
Let's not suck the ghost of his dick too hard. He was a terrorist, and now he's dead.

Morty:
Oh yeah? If you think my Rick's dead, he's alive, and if you think you're safe, he's coming for you!

Morty:
Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my--

Rick:
[grabs him] Ah-ah, not so fast, Morty! You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty, just you and me. And sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You wanna know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.

Morty:
Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.

Rick:
Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different: no more Dad, Morty!

Morty:
Oh, geez...

Rick:
He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away!

Morty:
Oh, fuck...!

Rick:
I've replaaaaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe.

Morty:
Oh, man...

Rick:
Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. I just took over the family, Morty! And if you tell your mom or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it!

Morty:
You're gonna deny it...

Rick:
And they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty! And now you're gonna have to go and do whatever I say, Morty! Forever! And I'll-- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that Mulan Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty!

Morty:
What are you talking about?

Rick:
Because that's-- that's what this is all about, Morty!

Morty:
"Szechuan"?

Rick:
That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty - that was fake! I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce!

Morty:
"Nuggets"?

Rick:
I want that Mulan McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty!

Morty:
What the hell?!

Rick:
If it takes nine seasons! I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty!

Morty:
What are you talking about, Rick?!

Rick:
That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty!

Morty:
What are you talking about?!

Rick:
Season-- Nine more seasons, Morty! Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce!

Morty:
What is that?!

[The garage closes]

Rick:
For 97 more years, Morty!

Morty:
What are you talking about?!

Rick:
I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!

Morty:
Summer, next time we're hiding in a chlorkian echo nest, can you do me a favour and turn your ringer off?!

Summer:
It's called carpe diem, Morty. Look it up.

Morty:
You look it up, you don't... you don't even know what it means.

Summer:
That's because losers look stuff up while the rest of us are carp'en all them 'diems.

Rick:
Listen to your sister, Morty. To live is to risk it all, otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you. Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry, I didn't see you there, how much of that did you hear?

Jerry:
All of it. You were looking right at me. [sighs] I just... wanted to say goodbye to the kids.

Rick:
Cool. Just stay in the driveway; the kill-bots are live, and I took you off the whitelist.

[Summer walks with Hemorrhage's group through an abandoned city shooting hordes of mutants]

Summer:
How come you guys dress like you're in a theme-park stunt show, but these guys wear khakis and hockey jerseys? [Hemorrhage's man shoots a mutant]

Hemorrhage:
After the boom-boom, some adapted to the new truth, and some chose to huddle near the boomy holes, clinging to the lie of the before-fore times. [shoots a mutant] The raidy-rays rotted them away, [approaches group of mutants on a billboard] leaving only their love for the vert-vert-isements on billyboards.

Summer:
Jesus Christ! Did the boomy-booms blow up all your wordy-word books?

Hemorrhage:
You mean dictionaries? [Summer and Hemorrhage shoot the mutants down; Hemorrhage kneels down on the billboard and places his hand on the boy of a family] I think I was a child before the boom-booms. I think I looked like this.

Summer:
Want to piss on him?

Hemorrhage:
Get out of my head.

Pickle Rick:
[Morty comes to the garage] Morty!

Morty:
Rick? W-where are you?

Pickle Rick:
On my workbench, Morty.

Morty:
Are you invisible and you're gonna, like, fart on me?

Pickle Rick:
Flip the pickle over. [Morty walks to the workbench]

Morty:
What, I'm gonna touch it, and you're gonna tell me it's an alien dick or something?

Pickle Rick:
Come on, flip the pickle, Morty. [Morty holds a screwdriver] You're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. [Morty turns pickle over with Rick's face on it] I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-what are you just staring at me for, bro? I turned myself into a pickle, Morty.

Morty:
And?

Pickle Rick:
"And"? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle, and 9/11 was an inside job?

Morty:
Was it?

Pickle Rick:
Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before: I'm a pickle! I'M PICKLE RIIIIICK!

[Pickle Rick comes into Dr. Wong's room with Beth, Summer and Morty]

Dr. Wong:
You must be Rick.

Pickle Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Wong:
I've heard a lot about you today. Your family is crazy about you, your daughter holds you in very high regard, you're a lucky fella.

Pickle Rick:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. Hey, sweetie, you don't still happen to have that syringe in your purse?

[Beth looks to Dr. Wong, who nods to her to speak]

Beth:
Dad, I would like you to tell me what's in the syringe.

Pickle Rick:
It's a serum that I need to, uh...to stay alive. I have...had a rough day, and, uh...I've sustained a lot of damage, I'm pretty close to death, which the serum will prevent.

Dr. Wong:
By changing you from a pickle to a human.

Pickle Rick:
[long pause] Yes.

Dr. Wong:
Rick, why did you lie to your daughter?

Pickle Rick:
So I wouldn't have to come here.

Dr. Wong:
Why didn't you want to come here?

Pickle Rick:
Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall to listen to some agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind [belch] we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle. When I feel like it. So... you asked.

Dr. Wong:
Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse. And I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe - and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass. Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people... well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.

Morty:
Rick, is this a Saw thing? Are you seriously Sawing the Vindicators?

Rick:
Morty, I'm a drunk, not a hack.

Drunk Rick in video:
If you break the rules, lose the game or try to leave, you will die... like in [burps] Saaaaw...

Vance Maximus:
Screw this. I'm not playing his game. I'm gonna find us a way out of here.

Rick:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, Vance. He said you'd die if you tried to leave. That means there's booby traps.

Vance Maximus:
Why are you acting like that's not you?!

Rick:
What part of "blackout" don't you understand? I thought you drank?

Vance Maximus:
[panicking] Like cool drinking! Like sexy drinking, not this psycho trailer-park shit!

Morty:
Vance, stay calm...

Vance Maximus:
Oho, so you're the leader now because we gave you a jacket?! You're the learning-disabled kid we do photo ops with!

Morty:
Okay, ouch, but--

Vance Maximus:
[hyperventilating] Okay, okay. Th-this is triggering me. I need space. I need space... FROM THIS!

[Vance flies towards an air duct in the ceiling and tries to escape through it, only to have his upper body gruesomely torn apart by one of Rick's traps. His legs fly around the room until Crocubot blows them up]

Alan Rails:
[grabs Rick by the throat] Give me one reason why I shouldn't crush your windpipe.

Rick:
Because my epidermis is laced with a nanofiber defence mesh. [Alan receives an electric shock and gets knocked back] And because, like I said, I don't remember last night.

Alan Rails:
[to Supernova] I told you not to bring this mummified motherfucker back!

Rick:
Alan, I'm not proud of what's happening here, but if you keep coming at me, there's gonna be another passenger on that ghost train.

Supernova:
What the hell is "Is-ra-el"?

Morty:
I-It's just something Rick starts talking about when he's blackout drunk.

Rick:
[awkwardly] W-What? In w-- In w-w-what-- In what way? Like, w-w-what's my point?

Morty:
In a way that has no point! You just babble about defense budgets and the United Nations, and then you pass out!

Rick:
So, to be clear, I sometimes reference the geopolitical complexities of the topic, which is not the same as going to an anti-Semitic place--

Million Ants:
I have no stake in this.

Rick:
I don't either, I-I'm just saying - if anything, the drunk version of me is probably so supportive of Israel, he wants what's best for it, and--

Million Ants:
Hey, man, I'm not touching this. You do you.

Rick:
Jesus Christ, what a shitty neutrino bomb. it's a miracle I actually ever destroy anything.

Morty:
Oh, I don't know. You managed to destroy just about everything today: the villains, the heroes, the lines between them, my childhood...

Rick:
Thank you. I appreciate it, Morty. I know you were sucking the Kool-Aid out of the Vindicators' dicks, so the fact that I was right about them must be pretty hard to admit.

Morty:
Yeah, it is. You know why, Rick? Because when you're an asshole, it doesn't matter how right you are, nobody wants to give you the satisfaction.

Rick:
I know. Everyone wants people they like to be right. That's why popular people are fucking dumb. And why your pretentious, poorly written, high-budget friends back there can eat a double-decker shit sandwich. [the bomb powers down] Disarmed.

Morty:
Holy shit, you're jealous!

[On Supernova's affair with Million Ants]

Supernova:
Yes! Is that what you want to hear?!

Alan Rails:
Did it feel good?! Did you like his six million wriggling legs more than my tragedy-stricken, half-ghost, half-tumescent PENIS?!

Morty:
Guys, stop! You're just proving my asshole grandpa right!

Supernova:
You wish this was about sex! We loved each other! We had a child together...

Alan Rails:
WHAT?!

Supernova:
[crying] I conceived a child with Million Ants, AND IT DIED INSIDE ME BECAUSE IT WAS HALF A MILLION ANTS AND HALF COLLAPSING STAR! And yes - he was better than you!

Alan Rails:
Yeah?!

Million Ants:
[morphs into a large tentacled form] One million times better!

Alan Rails:
ALL ABOOOOOOARD, MOTHERFUCKER!!! [tries to punch Million Ants, who disperses to avoid it]

Supernova:
STOP!

[She traps Alan and Million Ants inside a force field; Million Ants flows into Alan's mouth, making his body swell up and explode, sending his innards splattering everywhere]

Rick:
Oof! Didn't see that comin'.

Supernova:
Is that sarcasm?! [conjures handcuffs onto Rick and Morty] I don't want you slipping away then this is over! All of these deaths are on your hands!

Rick:
Oh, come on, maybe a couple of them, but definitely not the train guy--

[Supernova hits him in the groin with one of the celestial bodies orbiting her]

Supernova:
All of them.

Rick:
[pained] Okayyy...

Jerry:
[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake] I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again!

Rick:
Nobody ever does.

Jerry:
You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family!

Rick:
"I took your family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options!

Gibble Snake:
Oof...

Rick:
That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!"

Beth:
Just stay put, sweetie! Mom's still on hold!

Morphizer Customer Service Worker:
Morphizer Customer Service Worker. How may I help you?

Beth:
Yes, I'm having a little trouble with one of your machines.

Morphizer Customer Service Worker:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Do you see a little compartment on the side of the machine?

Beth:
Let me check.... Yes, got it.

Morty:
Mom?

Morphizer Customer Service Worker:
Great! Now, do you see the little button next to it?

Beth:
I do.

Morphizer Customer Service Worker:
Give that button a push.

Beth:
Okay. [pushes button]

Morty:
Mom, listen to me--

Morphizer Customer Service Worker:
WE'RE FREE! [the Morphizer Customer Service Workers run out of Rick's machine]

Beth:
Okay, so I pushed the button, and three little men ran out. What do I do next? … Hello? I think we got disconnected-- [Morty angrily snatches Beth's phone, throws it onto the pavement and stamps on it] Morty!

Morty:
Don't "Morty" me! I tricked Rick into taking Dad on an adventure because I thought I could get a break from this kind of shit! But no! Like father, like goddamn daughter! You wanna be like Rick?! Congratulations! You're just as arrogant and just as irresponsible!

Gene:
[pops up] Everything okay here?

Morty:
Mind your own goddamn business, Gene! I'm having a conversation with my mother here! [Gene walks away] Kissing Rick's ass isn't gonna make him stay, Mom, but it will help you lose everyone else.

Beth:
Like I lost Summer.

Morty:
Hey, you haven't lost her yet.

Beth:
No, I definitely did. She's gone.

Morty:
[looks at the crashed garage] Goddammit!

Toxic Rick:
Yeah, motherfucker, YEAH! Get it! Get some! Right up your fucking bitch ass, you fuck! [to Toxic Morty] Guess who just discovered a new element?! Think you could do that, Morty? You think anyone but me could do that, ever in a billion years?! Do you think if God existed, he could do it?! The answer is no! If God exists, it's fucking ME!

Mr. Goldenfold:
Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions? [pause] You don't know or you're just bored?

Morty:
Hey listen, you know, if we're all bored over here, wouldn't the common denominator be you?

Stacy:
Should I go?

Morty:
You're your own person, Stacy.

Stacy:
Then I'd like to stay.

[As Healthy Rick and Toxic Rick fight, a robot gun pokes out of Healthy Rick's belt buckle]

Groin System 6000:
Assessing threat to groin.

Toxic Rick:
Groin System 6000, kill him!

Groin System 6000:
[points at Healty Rick, then back] That... is my groin’s user.

Toxic Rick:
Believe me, I got a lot more use out of that thing than he ever did!

Groin System 6000:
You know what? Not my table. [turns back into buckle]

[After Toxic Rick toxifies the world, he and Toxic Morty are confronted by their healthy counterparts]

Healthy Rick:
Remember me?

Toxic Rick:
Didn't you learn last time that you can’t beat me?!

Healthy Rick:
Yeah, I did. And then I learned something else. [pulls out a gun] This. [shoots Toxic Morty in the knee, making him scream and collapse in pain] That bullet is laced with an encrypted nanobotic virus that will disintegrate your Morty in about, ah, twenty minutes.

Toxic Rick:
You think I give a shit?!

Healthy Rick:
I know you give a shit, dummy. Because I know I don’t. Here's another thing I know: the decryption key that neutralizes the virus. You want it? [pulls out two injections attached by a tube] Come and get it. Merge with me, and you’ll know how to save him.

Toxic Rick:
Pfft! Come on, man, I’ve been trapped in your pussy brain for seventy years of delusions, but this is the all-time weakest bluff that I’ve ever-- [Healthy Rick shoots Toxic Morty in his other knee] JESUS CHRIST! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Healthy Morty:
He’s cutting your time in half. Ten minutes.

Toxic Rick:
What is your problem?!

Healthy Rick:
Oh, I had all my problems removed. My entitlement, my narcissism, my crippling loneliness - my irrational attachments. [Toxic Rick glances at Toxic Morty, his eye twitching] They must be somewhere. They ain't over here, bro.

Toxic Rick:
I'M NOT GOING BACK IN THERE!

Healthy Rick:
Honestly, I don’t care either way. I hate having you in me. And when I say "honestly", you can believe it, because we both know I’m too healthy to lie. Watch. [shoots Toxic Morty in the shoulder]

Toxic Rick:
All right! Knock it off! You’re not impressing anyone! [kneels down and holds Toxic Morty] Morty, not that I give a shit, but are you okay?

Toxic Morty:
Jesus Christ, it hurts...!

Toxic Rick:
Relax, quit your bitching. Y-You’re gonna be fine. Grandpa’s here. [Healthy Rick laughs] You think that’s funny?!

Healthy Rick:
Y-You got to have a sense of humor about these things. Oh, wait, you can’t. You’re literally incapable of seeing the bigger picture. I guess it’s just funny because you’ve never done anything but complain about me being in charge, but if I ever gave you the wheel, we’d be dead in five minutes.

Toxic Morty:
[getting weaker] Ah, Rick...

Healthy Rick:
[smugly] You poor, dumb, sick animal.

Toxic Morty:
Rick...

Toxic Rick:
[storming up to Healthy Rick] AAAAARGH!!! JUST DO IT! JUST DO IT, YOU PIECE OF--

[Healthy Rick injects Toxic Rick and himself on the other end of the tube, sucking Toxic Rick back into himself and becoming whole again]

Rick:
[dancing about] I'm back, baby! Regular Rick! Master of both worlds! Check it out! [farts in Healthy Morty's face] Excuse me. Now we’ll just reverse this hacky toxicity beam. Man, I really overthink shit when I'm angry.

Evil Morty:
The division I see is between the Ricks and Mortys that like the Citadel divided, and the rest of us. I see it everywhere I go. I see it in our schools, where they teach Mortys we're all the same because they're threatened by what makes us unique. I see it in our streets, where they give guns to Mortys so we're too busy fighting each other to fight real injustice. I see it in our factories, where Ricks work for a fraction of their boss's salary even though they're identical and have the same IQ. The Citadel's problem isn't homeless Mortys or outraged Ricks, the Citadel's problem is the Ricks and Mortys feeding on the Citadel's death. But I've got a message for them, from the Ricks and Mortys keeping it alive. A message from the Ricks and Mortys that believe in this Citadel to the Ricks and Mortys that don't: You're outnumbered!

[Evil Morty exits the debate stage and goes to talk to his manager.]

Campaign Manager Morty:
Holy shit! I don't believe it! I-- I can't believe it!

Evil Morty:
I know; that's why you're fired.

Fat Morty:
They say that for your wish to come true, you have to give up something really important. For me, that's my panini maker. I wish for a million sandwiches! [drops the maker into the "Wishing Portal"] And yes, I see the irony.

Lizard Morty:
I guess I wish I had something cooler than this dumbass surfer necklace. [drops it in]

Glasses Morty:
I wish incest porn ha-had a more mainstream appeal... f-for a friend of mine! [drops in a harmonica]

Evil Morty:
This seems like a good time for a drink, and a cold, calculated speech with sinister overtones. A speech about politics, about order, brotherhood, power... but speeches are for campaigning. Now is the time for action.

Morty:
Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I wouldn't've been around for that.

Rick:
Yeah, sometimes I have to do a little editing, Morty. You know, it helps the Mind Blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting.

Morty:
How many of these are just horrible mistakes I made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them.

Rick:
Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty. It's a free-form anthology. I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that.

[On Morty using a spirit level]

Rick:
What are you doing?

Morty:
You want your shelf level or not?

Rick:
And if I say "yes", you're gonna provide that for me with that?

Morty:
Yes, see the bubble?

Rick:
[snatches the level] I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty! I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked caveman eyeball and a bubble of fucking air, you're the reason this species is a failure, [snaps it in two] and it makes me angry!

Morty:
You're drunk.

Beth:
Wow... he's really getting executed, after all this time. You know, the son that he ate was--

Summer:
Your best friend Tommy, we know. Stop true-crime bragging.

Beth:
I was traumatized, Summer! Okay? Your generation wouldn't get that.

Summer:
Bitch, my generation gets traumatized for breakfast!

Rick:
Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopy Land procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA.

Beth:
Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest?

Rick:
It's just a working theory. Of course, if that's the case, I'd expect he'd be worshipped as a kind of god by a medieval-level society of his least delicious children.

[They are suddenly surrounded by mutant Froopy creatures with weapons]

Froopy:
Halt! You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler, giver and taker of life, humper and consumer of mortality, dispenser of life—

Rick:
Guys, if I could interrupt? We're way ahead of the reveal here.

Beth:
Yeah, just take us to King Tommy.

Beth:
Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been--

Rick:
That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me.

Beth:
Am I evil?

Rick:
Worse, you're smart. When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal, it grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots, just to eat them, not unlike your friend Timmy.

Beth:
Tommy.

Rick:
Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie. You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And eventually, it will. There's no other way off.

Beth:
Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do?

Rick:
My advice? Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out.

Beth:
I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's The Bachelor--

Rick:
I can make a clone of you. A perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going Blade Runner.

Beth:
If nothing matters, why would you do that for me?

Rick:
I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you. Or maybe it makes you matter. Maybe I love you. Maybe something about your mother. Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth.

Beth:
I don't know if I can do it.

Rick:
Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the fuck out.

President:
Here's the adventure: some kind of alien goo-ga has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels. I want it hunted down and taken out.

Morty:
"Kennedy Sex Tunnels"?

President:
Naturally you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment: the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Colosseum. He didn't free them all. And let me know when you're done.

Morty:
Maybe then we can get a selfie?

President:
Too busy, Morty! [to his aides] Now tell me about this summit, is it a peace one or a regular one?

[Rick and Morty are surrounded by Brazilian troops in the Amazon]

Rick:
Don't do it, guys! The casualties would be in the brazillions... cause you're Brazilian? It's a threat and a pun! Nobody gets me.

President:
We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time.

Morty:
You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you sat on your ass at peace summits.

President:
Peace summits are important!

Morty:
Oh yeah, they work great. We're really drowning in peace. You suck!

President:
YOU suck!

General Rhonda:
Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.

President:
What?

White House Aide 1:
They signed something called the "Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat took them to a Star Wars cantina, where they smoked perspective-enhancing alien pheromones through a laser hookah.

White House Aide 2:
I still say it has to be Putin.

President:
IT WAS RICK AND MORTY, YOU FUCKING DUNCE!

White House Aide 2:
But you're getting the credit, sir. Your approval rating just hit 100%. Why would Rick and Morty want that?

President:
BECAUSE THEY'RE ASSHOLES!

White House Aide 1:
Jesus! He's not a fucking god!

Rick:
You don't know what I am! And you don't know what I can do!

Morty:
Jeez, it's... it's cool, Rick--

Rick:
I'm Doctor Who-ing this motherfucker! I could be a clone! I could be a hologram! We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're fucking your MOTHER!

White House Aide 1:
[enraged] I'm going to KILL YOU!

Rick:
Then come to 312 Olive Street!

White House Aide 1:
[worried] Is that her address?

Rick:
You don't know, because you're a bad son!