Robot Chicken

Intro Text:
Not long ago in a galaxy not far enough away...

[ C-3PO walks through a metal detector and a buzzer goes off while R2-D2 slides through on a conveyor belt beside the metal detector]

C-3PO:
Oh... oh, dear! My keys! [takes out keys and puts them into a tray despite the fact he is what's setting of the metal detector] Hah-hah!

Imperial Officer:
Welcome to Orientation Day here on the jolly, old Death Star! Now, there are a few things we want to go over with you concerning Lord Vader. First and foremost, he thinks he has the power to strangle us! Truth is, he doesn't. If he ever realized this, he would kill us with his lightsaber. Thus, to keep us safe, we'll all pretend to get strangled. Ok! Let's try a practice.

[Commander Winston walks over]

Imperial Officer:
Commander Winston here will assist me. I'm going to hold out my hand like Lord Vader, and he will pretend to be strangled. [holds out his hand as Winston gasps, holding his throat, pretending to be strangled] Gasping for air; grabs throat; yes, eyes back, and he's down! [Winston collapses] Good show, commander! Now, two of the floor chiefs will retrieve the corpse. [two floor chiefs retrieve Winston and drag him out of the room] Redress him, add a mustache... [Winston comes back in again] and he's back to work as Lieutenant Leopold! Vader has the satisfaction of killing someone, and we stay amongst the living! Why, Private Perkins over there has been strangled over 30 times! Haven't you Perkins? [laughs; Private Perkins is shown wearing funky-looking glasses and an old man's beard] Good man!

Nerd:
[gets into an elevator with George Lucas; gasps] You're George Lucas!

George Lucas:
Uhh, I take it you're here for the Star Wars convention?

Nerd:
I sure am! Ooo, wanna see my costume? [begins to dress into it]

George Lucas:
Uhhh... hm.

Nerd:
See? I'm a Tauntaun! But I don't have to tell you - you invented Tauntauns!

George Lucas:
Well, that's uh.. that's very interesting -

Nerd:
Listen to my Tauntaun call! Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-ooh-rah-ahh!

George Lucas:
[elevator stops] Uhh... nicely done. [runs out of the elevator; sees a group of Star Wars fans in front of him] Oh, dear God...

Star Wars Fan #1:
[screaming] Oh, my God, George LUCAAAAAS!

George Lucas:
Oh, dear God, oh, dear God... [runs away]

Star Wars Fan #2:
I love you! Give me a baby!

Nerd:
[halts George Lucas] Quickly, sir! Onto my back! I am your steed!

George:
Uhh... [pause; gets on] I have a bad feeling about this...

Nerd:
[begins hopping away] Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah!

George:
Oh, dear God! [they enter the convention room on the stage; Lucas gets off and stands at the podium and gets small feedback from the microphone] Uh, well, um... and I thought they smelt bad on the outside. [laughter, cheers, and applause from the audience]

Nerd:
Just like in the movie! [George Lucas offers his hand to the nerd] Me?! [takes his hand and bows, hyperventilating] Thank you! Thank you!

[scene switches to the nerd in his old age with his grandson on his lap]

Old Nerd:
...And that was the greatest day of my whole life.

Grandson:
What about when I was born?

Old Nerd:
Not even close.

Luke Skywalker:
Your overconfidence is your weakness.

Emperor Palpatine:
Your faith in your friends is yours!

Luke Skywalker:
[chuckle; whisper] Faith in yo' mama.

Emperor Palpatine:
What was that?!

Luke Skywalker:
I said, yo' mama so fat, Jabba the Hutt said, "DAAAAMN!"

Emperor Palpatine:
Well, your mother's so ugly, she put the "Ug" in Ugnaught!

Darth Vader:
Aww, yo' mama fight!

[Darth Vader stands by a chalkboard to keep score while making a piece of chalk levitate with the Force; Luke and Emperor Palpatine stand on opposite sides from each other]

Luke Skywalker:
Yo' mama so stupid, she spent all day saying, "am not!" to R2! [Vader gives Luke a point]

Crowd:
Oooohh!

Emperor Palpatine:
Your mother is so fat that Ben Kenobi said, "that's no moon, [gets up in Luke's face] that's yo' mama!" [gets a point from Vader]

Crowd:
Ohhh!

Luke Skywalker:
Yo' mama so dumb, she thought Jar-Jar, comes with "Pickles-Pickles"! [Vader gives Luke another point]

Crowd:
Oooh!

Emperor Palpatine:
Your mother is so stupid, she.. she thinks a lightsaber has fewer calories! [silence; Palpatine acts as if he'll get a big, positive reaction but doesn't; Darth Vader shakes his head in disgrace]

Guy in Crowd:
Huh? I don't get it.

Emperor Palpatine:
It's "lite"... like, it's "lite," like calories... like, "lite" means there's not a lot of calories and it's good.... for your body, that's how stupid your mother is. [does not earn a point]

Luke Skywalker:
Yo' mama so stupid, she went to Bangkok to get a TIE Fighter! [receives another point]

[the crowd cheers]

Luke Skywalker:
And Luke wins!

[Darth Vader lifts Emperor Palpatine over his head and walks him over to a ledge]

Emperor Palpatine:
What are you doing? Wh-what are you doing?! P-put me down! N-no! [Vader tosses Palpatine over the ledge] AAAHHHHHH!

Darth Vader:
Inform the Emperor that the Jedi Temple has been sealed.

Private Perkins:
Yes, my Lord. [walks away]

Jar-Jar Binks:
Ani?! Ani! Little Ani!

Darth Vader:
Jar-Jar, I am no longer Anakin Skywalker...

Jar-Jar Binks:
[touches Vader's cape] These are some nice-ah duds, ah-poopah!

Darth Vader:
Look, Jar-Jar, it is very important... [Jar-Jar taps on Vader's helmet; groans, then scares Jar-Jar back a step] that you never speak to me again.

Jar-Jar Binks:
What'sa happen to you? Yousa burn your face... [takes off Vader's helmet and looks at him for a brief moment before Vader quickly puts his helmet back on] AAAHHH! Ani-bo-bani!! [shakes Vader by the shoulders] What'sa happen to you?!

Darth Vader:
[grabs Jar-Jar by the ears and pulls him towards a door as Jar-Jar screams] Jar-Jar. Homey. My main man. Quickly, before the Separatists attack, get into the escape pod! [tosses Jar-Jar into an airlock chamber]

Jar-Jar Binks:
Hey, if this is escape, then where the pod? [Vader shuts and locks the door] Yousa forgot the pod!! [Vader presses a button which ejects Jar-Jar out into space] WHOOO!

[a completely motionless toy of Jar-Jar Binks floats out into space with no sounds whatsoever]

[afterwards]

Darth Vader:
[in bed; sighs, then chuckles maniacally]

[Jar-Jar Binks appears before Vader's bed as a Force ghost]

Jar-Jar Binks:
Ani! Look! Yousa not gonna believe it! Meesa all sparkly glowy! [Vader covers his own head with a pillow while Jar-Jar bounces around Vader's bed ecstatically] Now, weesa gonna have all the time to spend together! I love you, Ani! Yaaaahh! Ah-haahhh! Ani, yeeeeah!

Darth Vader:
Turn to the Dark side and join me.

Luke Skywalker:
I'll never join you! You killed my father!

Darth Vader:
No, Luke. I am your father!

Luke Skywalker:
That's not true! That's impossible!

Darth Vader:
And Princess Leia is your sister!

Luke Skywalker:
That's not true! That's... improbable!

Darth Vader:
And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks!

Luke Skywalker:
That's... [scoffs] very unlikely...

Darth Vader:
And as a child, I built C-3PO!

Luke Skywalker:
Mhm.

[later]

Darth Vader:
[with a cup of coffee] And the Force? Well, that's just microscopic bacteria in your bloodstream called midi-chlorian.

Luke Skywalker:
[flicks away cigarette] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm out. [walks away]

Princess Leia:
[in bed with Luke Skywalker] That was so wrong...

[a guy dressed up in a Stormtrooper outfit takes out a lunch box and thermos bottle]

Wife:
Gary, where is Jessica? Isn't today "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"?

Gary:
[sighs] No one actually does that.

Wife:
Gary, you promised. [walks away; the camera slowly zooms in on the motionless Gary]

[at a Rebel Alliance ship; a group of Stormtroopers blast down a door and begin a blaster-fight with some guards]

Gary:
Keep your head down, Jessica!

Jessica:
Okay, daddy! [Gary takes his daughter's hand and runs to cover; Jessica squeals and accidentally drops her teddy bear into the line of fire] Mr. Fuzzybottom!

Gary:
[stops Jessica from running into the line of fire, then puts his head down in frustration and sighs calmly; carefully walks into the line of fire to get Mr. Fuzzybottom back, dodging an array of red-toned lasers getting fired in his direction; groans] AHHH! [makes his way back to Jessica on his hands and knees, panting heavily] Here you go, baby.

Darth Vader:
Who is this little girl?

Gary:
Oh! Vader! Uh... it's "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", and I know, uh... you know, I'm sorry for bringing her, but my wife says I never see her, and... and let's be honest, she's right! Okay? She's right! [silence] ...Do you have kids? 'Cause, I mean, heh, they change your world. ...Oh, I'm probably gonna get fired for this... but [stands proud] [bleep] it. [takes his daughter's hand and says sternly] I love my daughter.

Darth Vader:
[silence; leans in and thumps his chest with his fist] That really hits me where I live. [grabs a rebel guard by the neck and lifts him up] What have you done with those plans?! Gary here, never sees his daughter because of people like you! [brief pause; bone snaps; realizes what he's done and covers his mouth innocently] I'm so sorry you had to see that. [drops the body; leans in] Are you having fun, being at work with your father?

Jessica:
Mmm... [hides head behind Gary]

Darth Vader:
[chuckles; wiggles around a little] I know, I'm scary.

[scene change to Tatooine]

Ben Kenobi:
[controlling Gary with Jedi mind control] These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Gary:
These aren't the droids we're looking for.

Jessica:
Yes, they are!

Ben Kenobi:
Move along.

Gary:
Move along. [Ben Kenobi rides away]

Jessica:
Daddy, you're not even trying!

Gary:
Baby, it's 165º degrees on this planet! I can't hear in this thing! [referring to his helmet] I was just repeating what I thought the guy was sayin'! It's not like it's my own mother[bleep]ing thought on the matter, okay?! [Jessica runs away, sobbing] Hon! Aww - baby! [runs after]

Stormtrooper:
See? That's why I don't bring my daughter to jack [bleep]!

Darth Vader:
[pointing to a black suitcase with a white stripe that is passing by Vader and Palpatine on a luggage conveyor belt] Is that yours?

Emperor Palpatine:
No! For the hundredth time, that's that same stupid black bag. Mine dosen't have a stripe. It's like that stripey bag is mocking me... F*** you stripey bag.

Emperor Palpatine:
Well, my suitcase is gone; sacrificed to the airport guards. Now I'm here for two f***ing weeks with one f***ing robe. Ohh! Now it's sticking to me like a wet Kleenex

Emperor Palpatine:
[as a surfboard is passing by him on the Death Star luggage conveyor belt] Wow, for real?

Emperor Palpatine:
Henceforth, you shall be known as Darth Vader.

Darth Vader:
Thank you, my master.

Emperor Palpatine:
Hey, before you go...my face is really warm. Is everything okay up here?

Darth Vader:
I...don't know. What do you mean?

[Palpatine removes his hood and smoke billows up. He touches his face but pulls away]

Emperor Palpatine:
Ow. Ahh. Ow, my face! It's on fire!

Darth Vader:
Well, there...is a possibility that you were fighting Mace Windu, he deflected some of your Force lightning back into your face.

Emperor Palpatine:
Are you kidding me? How much?

Darth Vader:
A lot. I don't think there was one bolt of Force lightning that didn't bounce off Master Windu's lightsaber directly back into your face.

Emperor Palpatine:
And you just sat there and watched?

Darth Vader:
Turning to the Dark Side was a pretty big decision.

Emperor Palpatine:
[looking into a mirror] Oh, my God! I look like I have a scrotum for a face! What am I supposed to call myself? Darth Syphilis?! If you'd made up your mind five seconds earlier, we could've ruled the galaxy and maybe I could've gotten laid one more time before I die!

Darth Vader:
[backing away] I can see you're upset. I'm just gonna go slaughter those younglings.

Emperor Palpatine:
Yeah, whatever.

Darth Vader:
Leather....

Emperor Palpatine:
Hear that, my boy gets the finest leather you got.

Darth Vader:
Full-body...black leather

Emperor Palpatine:
I see what you're going for, kind of an S&M thing

Darth Vader:
Oh...and a cape....yeah...a cape would be pretty wizard...and a sweet voice box...and flashing lights...

Emperor Palpatine:
Sure

Darth Vader:
Built-in helicopter blades.....Remote-control flying fists

Emperor Palpatine:
Can we just put this idiot under.