Roseanne, Season 4

Roseanne:
Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control. [Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?

Dan:
Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.

Crystal:
[sobbing about why her baby won't sleep at night] Well, why won't he sleep?! I've tried everything, even the washing machine!

Darlene:
You put him in the washing machine??

Crystal:
No, Darlene. You put him in his little baby seat on the washer, and the vibrations are supposed to soothe him to sleep.

Roseanne:
[to Darlene] Yeah, you know, when you were a baby we couldn't afford a washing machine, so I had to take you down to the river and beat you against a rock.

Roseanne:
What are people gonna say, Jackie? [about Becky using birth control]

Jackie:
Who's gonna know?

Roseanne:
She's gonna tell all her friends, and then her friends will tell their moms, [mimicking a whiny teenager] "Mrs. Conner lets Becky have sex!"

Darlene:
[on the phone] Hello? ... Oh, yeah, hold on, Mark. BECKY, ZIPPY'S ON THE PHONE! ... So Mark, did you dial the phone yourself or did Daddy help you? ... Oh now, that's not very nice. Do you use that filthy mouth to kiss my sister?

Becky:
Give me the phone, Darlene.

Darlene:
Let me just say goodbye. [belches into the phone before handing it to Becky]

Roseanne:
I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone family.

D.J.:
I haven't said anything in two days and nobody's cared.

Roseanne:
That's impossible.

D.J.:
Uh huh! The last thing I said was 'Cheerios'!

[Roseanne and Dan realize that they forgot about DJ again]

Dan:
Oh my god! I can't believe we forgot about him again.

Roseanne:
Boy, he better learn how to bitch and moan like his sisters, or he ain't going to make it in this family.

Roseanne:
(to D.J.) Remember, since the last time, your dad made that rule: no more pets.

Dan:
(with the dog) Yes, you're just a happy boy, yes you are. Look at you, waggin' your happy little tail. Mmm mmm mmm, ah-oooohh.

Roseanne:
Dan, would you like to explain your "no more pets" rule or keep making out with the dog?

Roseanne:
[on Lorraine, after Lorraine again makes an excuse to stall at picking up the dog] You would not believe the day she's having. First her car breaks, then a kitchen fire. The way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing that happens is some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.

Roseanne:
[after Jackie confesses to sleeping with Arnie] What the hell were you thinking?!

Jackie:
I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead, and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks!

Roseanne:
Well, that's still no excuse.

Leon:
(looking in Roseanne's fridge) Well, well, well, a gallon of mayo, a gallon of pickle chips, and, yes, it looks like a tub of Rodbell's famous coleslaw. Just like in my own refrigerator at home.

Dan:
Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?

Roseanne:
What difference does it make? You're all pigs!

Becky:
Oh, so that's the way it works around here? You lie around like a hairball and you get free clothes? Well, maybe if I lapse into a coma, I'll get that car.

Bonnie:
What about her friends? What if she's hanging around with a bad influence?

Roseanne:
[Scoffs] No, Darlene always was the bad influence.

[Darlene has started dressing in all black. Dan holds a mirror up to her face.]

Dan:
Just checking.

Roseanne:
God, I hate Kathy Bowman!

Becky:
And today's reason is…

Leon:
Roseanne, did it ever occur to you for just even one moment to stay out of this?!

Roseanne:
Yeah, but by then it was way too late.

Kathy:
[after learning that Roseanne bought some of Kathy's stolen property from the robbers under the impression that she was donating to charity] It was a stupid thing, Roseanne. It was the stupidest thing anyone has ever done, and you are the stupidest woman on the face of the earth! [storms away]

Roseanne:
Oh yeah?! I paid twenty bucks for that piece of crap and you paid two hundred! THAT'S stupid!

Roseanne:
[on how she'd react if one of her kids were gay] The only thing I've ever wanted for my kids is that they're happy, and that they're out of the house. And I'll tell you what, happy ain't even that important.

Kathy:
I'm in hell.

Roseanne:
Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code, though. Y'know, Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more... fit in.

Kathy:
And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I supposed to wander around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?

Roseanne:
Now you're getting it! Yeah! Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here Tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to the others.

Kathy:
What are you talking about?

Roseanne:
Oh, we all used to be like you, Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying...but now...we're The Lanford Wives.

Kathy:
Goodbye, Roseanne.

Roseanne:
Oh, it's useless to try to resist us, Kathy. We already have Jerry! Jerry's one of us. Jerry joined the Lodge.

Kathy:
You're a sick woman, Roseanne.

Roseanne:
Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise, Kathy. Just think about it: Swap meets, bowling leagues, bingo, double coupon days, Casino Night at the slaughterhouse. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.

Jackie:
What are the odds we'd bot come as Morticia?

Crystal:
You're Morticia? Well, then that's no problem. I'm Elvira.

Jackie:
We still look like the Judds from Hell.

[Later]

Anne Marie:
I can't believe you both came as Cher.

Chuckie:
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it wouldn't be Halloween unless the Conners overdid it, so without further ado...

Roseanne:
[from behind the curtain] Hey, Chuckie, just do it like we told you.

Chuckie:
Oh, okay. [Takes card from under hat and reads] "Fellow lodge members, we had booked a fabulous act to entertain you tonight, but unfortunately they died. But the show must go on, so here they are, fresh from the cemetery, please welcome..." Oh, man. "Deadgar Bergen and Mortuary Snerd."

Jerry:
[talking about a Halloween prank Dan and Roseanne pulled on Kathy earlier] Oh boy, I gotta tell you Dan, Kathy was so mad about that, she didn't say a word to me all day.

Dan:
Well I guess you owe me a beer, Jer.

Jerry:
[chuckling] Yea, I guess I do.

Nancy:
It's official, I'm settling for Arnie.

Dan:
So you want to just take off and leave the kids?

Roseanne:
Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!

Roseanne:
Marriage stinks, with a capital SUCK!

Darlene:
Ahh... Becky? D.J. made a sundial out of birth control pills!

Becky:
What?

D.J.:
It even tells the days of the week.

Becky:
Gotta go, Mom. Love you. [hangs up the phone]

Darlene:
Geez, Mom went to Vegas without these? She really is a gambler.

D.J.:
They're not Mom's.

Becky:
D.J., Jackie's probably looking all over for these! Listen, you are not to take these to school, understand? Now you go and find something else to make your sundial out of.

D.J.:
Okay, I'll go put these back in your drawer. [leaves]

Roseanne:
[at a customer] You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes ya did. Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?

Bonnie:
[on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.

Roseanne:
Eat it or wear it.

[Roseanne, who is struggling to quit smoking, is serving a customer who is smoking a cigarette.]

Roseanne:
Can I help you?

Customer:
Uh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?

Roseanne:
Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey salad, shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.

Leon:
[scolding Roseanne after her outburst above] This is a luncheonette, not the Betty Ford Clinic. Be psychotic on your own time.

Dan:
Mmmm, what smells good?

Roseanne:
Prime rib, baked potatoes and all the trimmings.

Dan:
Say, that does smell good. What are we having?

Roseanne:
Somethin' I need scissors for.

Becky:
You know, I don't believe you Darlene. I help you out with your paper and you get me nailed for it.

Darlene:
Look, I apologized for that yesterday. Besides, I didn't ask for your help. You just felt sorry for me and I don't need your damn pity.

Becky:
Are you kidding? You're begging for it. [mocking Darlene] "Oh, high school is too hard. My friends don't like me. Nobody understands me." Well, then DO something about it, you little wimp!

Darlene:
Shut up, Becky! You don't know what you're talking about!

Becky:
Of course not, 'cause you're so complex, you're so deep. Well, that's crap. You're just a whiny little basketcase who's milking this depression thing for all it's worth. So here it is, four in the afternoon and you get to do exactly what you want, well, way to go. Now excuse me, but I got a zillion chores to do or Mom and Dad are gonna kick my butt.

Roseanne:
We shouldn't even be sitting here watching TV. TV's the whole way my whole generation learned to smoke anyhow.

Jackie:
Oh, come on.

Roseanne:
It's true, Jackie. Lucy smoked, Desi smoked, Ward smoked, Make Room for Daddy smoked, Gomez and Morticia smoked, Maxwell Smart smoked, 99, the Chief, Hymie—and he was a robot, but he smoked. Patty smoked.

Jackie:
Cathy didn't.

Roseanne:
I know, but they made her into a huge nerd. Rob smoked, Laura smoked, Buddy, Sally, Jerry, Millie smoked. I don't know about Samantha, but both Darrins smoked.

Darlene:
High school's just learning lies and telling lies.

Roseanne:
Really, then how come you ain't gettin' any A's?

Nana Mary:
Hey, caveman, don't get fresh with me.

Dan:
Not gettin' fresh with ya, I'm just friskin' you for silverware, you crazy bat!

(Becky walks into the living room where Dan is reading the paper)

Becky:
God, I hate my life!

Dan:
Tough day, honey?

Becky:
My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.

Dan:
(still looking at paper) Too bad, dear.

Becky:
And I can't quit because there's never any money around here for anything I want.

Dan:
Sorry, sweetheart.

Becky:
And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.

Dan:
(continuing to look at the paper) 'Night, Rosie.

Becky:
Mark just gave me my Christmas present a little early.

Dan:
What'd he give you.

[Becky holds out her hand, which has a ring on it. Dan jumps out of his chair in fright]

Becky:
Dad, I'm kidding. I got it out of a gumball machine. It's a joke.

Dan:
Don't you ever do that again.

Becky:
Okay, I'm sorry, I thought you'd laugh.

Dan:
No, that was not funny. That was cruel. [Looking out the kitchen window] Ooh, here comes your mom. Do it to her.

(Darlene and Becky are taking care of a baby who won't stop crying)

Darlene:
Maybe he needs to be changed.

Becky:
I changed him five times already.

Darlene:
Well, maybe you did it wrong. (Baby talk) Maybe you gave him a little baby wedgie.

Dan:
It was really weird. This commercial came on for cereal, talking about all the vitamins it has--B1, B6, B12. I turned around and she was gone.

Duke:
Any of you ladies have a request?

Bonnie:
How 'bout doing the dishes once in a while?

Duke:
I don't know that one!

Kevin Healy:
(meeting Darlene for the first time) I like your hair; it's totally out of control.

(This is the only time he's called Kevin. In his next appearance, it's changed to David.)

Jackie:
Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!

Becky:
 Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.

Darlene:
Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.

[Roseanne laughs from the other room]

Becky:
Mother!

Roseanne:
Well it was funny, Becky.

Roseanne:
[writhing in pain after throwing her back out] I can't get up and I don't have one of those things! I shouldn't have laughed at that old lady on TV!

[after a doctor describes a breast reduction procedure, both Roseanne and Jackie have their arms crossed over their chests]

Roseanne:
What sick Nazi man came up with this idea?

Roseanne:
[describing her examination] Well, he said, "Put your clothes on, I'm done." Ya know, like any man.

Roseanne:
[in a dream sequence, she looks at herself in the mirror after her surgery, sees her breasts which have been grotesquely enlarged instead of reduced, and screams]

Dan:
Great, huh?

Roseanne:
They were supposed to make 'em SMALLER!

Dan:
This is better!

Roseanne:
Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD!!!

Nurse:
Calm down, Mrs. Conner, calm down. I've got your Jell-O right here.

Roseanne:
WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT HAPPENED?!

Nurse:
You had a breast enlargement.

Dan:
And a great one!

Roseanne:
I was supposed to have a REDUCTION! You made a mistake!

Nurse:
That's not true, Mrs. Conner. See, here's your release form, right there, there's your signature.

Roseanne:
But my doctor told me what he was gonna do! Where is he? I wanna see my doctor! I wanna see him NOW!!!

Nurse:
Right away. [opens the door, calling as she leaves] Doctor, we need you!

Doogie Howser, M.D.:
[enters room] Yes? What's wrong, not big enough?

Roseanne:
[still groggy after waking up from her dream] Oh, way ta go, Doogie!

DJ:
I thought it was good to be a man.

Dan:
Oh, no. Not since the late '60s, son

Dan:
Hey Rosie, get this! Dean got hurt in football just like I did.

Roseanne:
No kidding, you got drunk and fell off the bus too?

Roseanne:
[Darlene and David race downstairs when Roseanne and Jackie come in the front door] Hey!

Darlene:
What?

Roseanne:
What are you doing upstairs with some boy?

Darlene:
Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!

Roseanne:
(screaming at D.J. and Todd from downstairs as Dan, still in bed, counts along on his fingers) Now listen up! There will be no talking, no giggling or laughing, no playing music, no singing, no animal noises, no doing whatever the hell you were doing when you were making that peg-leg kinda thumping noise, no bird calls, no bouncing the ball, and no jumping on the bed or I'm coming up there, now GO TO SLEEP!!!

Bonnie:
Who was that?

Roseanne:
That was my lovely neighbor.

Bonnie:
Oh, the ice-pop lady, eh?

Roseanne:
Mm-hm, frozen solid with a great big old stick up her butt.

D.J.:
What's a virgin?

Darlene:
You in forty years.

D.J.:
You're only moving to Chicago 'cause your mom needs an operation.

Todd:
She does not!

D.J.:
She does too! My mom said she's having a big stick taken out of her butt.

Jackie:
Hey Beck, where's Darlene?

Becky:
Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.

Dan:
She go home?

Becky:
Not yet!

(Darlene walks in wearing a flowered dress and braided hair)

Darlene:
Shut up.

Dan:
Why, Darlene! You look--

Darlene:
Shut up.

Jackie:
Oh, come on! It's not so--

Darlene:
SHUT UP!!

Darlene:
I can handle this.

Becky:
You can't take her, Darlene.

Darlene:
I'm not gonna try. I'll just talk my way out of it.

D.J.:
Okay, just stay down.

Darlene:
You don't believe me? Dad, can I talk to about something?

Dan:
Coming.

Darlene:
Watch.

Dan:
Yeah, Darlene.

Darlene:
Listen, I'm really sorry I called you "Wide Load" yesterday. I mean, I meant it to be funny and I really thought you would laugh. But I've been thinking about it, and now I realize it was really insensitive.

Dan:
Darlene, tie your hair back really tight so she can't swing you around with it.

Becky:
You're dead, Darlene.

Darlene:
Oh, man.

Dan:
Rope-a-dope, Darlene. Keep your arms up in front of your face; eventually, she'll wear herself out.

Arlene (Jackie's therapist):
Again, remember, we're here for Jackie. Now who wants to start?

Dan:
I guess I'll go first. If you're married to the same woman for nineteen years, isn't that proof enough that you love her?

Roseanne:
You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!

Dan:
It's your name!

Roseanne:
It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!

Dan:
I'm never gonna get this dumb thing off. I'm stuck with it for the rest of my life.

Roseanne:
Well, now you know what it's like to be married to you.

Becky:
Jeez, cut it out. I mean, did you forget why we came?

Jackie:
Thank you, Becky.

Becky:
Okay, I wanna talk about me and Mark.

Roseanne:
When are you gonna get over him?

Jackie:
I can't believe this! I'm paying for this session. You guys aren't here for me at all! You're just here to work out all your own family crap!

Darlene:
[weakly] Excuse me. [She's wearing a neck brace] I don't mean to interrupt, but it's time for my medication.

David:
So what did I do, anyway? I put my arm around you.

Darlene:
Well yeah, what was next?

David:
God, I don't know. It took me 3 weeks to get to that.

(Jackie and Becky are sitting at the kitchen table commiserating with each other about being alone. Darlene and David come in from outside.)

Darlene:
(To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?

David:
I was just holding your hand.

Darlene:
Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!

Becky:
(To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.

Darlene:
We walk to school together, like, every single day, you're outside every one of my classes, you put your arm around me in the hallway.

David:
You're my girlfriend.

Darlene:
Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DaviDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.

Roseanne:
[after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!

Dan:
Well, apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.

Roseanne:
Yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.

Dan:
You know, I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.

Jackie:
No!

Dan:
Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.

Dan:
Where's Darlene?

Roseanne:
Her and David got into a little tiff, so she's up in her room.

Dan:
[referring to David, who's eating dinner with the family] What's he doing here?

Roseanne:
Well, I had already invited him and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped a coin until he won.

[The phone rings]

D.J.:
I'm not getting it anymore.

Roseanne:
I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.

Dan:
I'm not home.

Jackie:
I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.

Becky:
If it's Dean...

Jackie:
If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.

David:
Tell her I'm in the shower.

Crystal:
[in labor] This better be a girl. It better be a girl.

Dan:
Oh, come on now, Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.

Crystal:
The hell I will!

Dan:
[after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look, Crystal, and you can't make me.

Roseanne:
[after Jackie hangs up from talking with Bonnie] What'd she say?

Jackie:
Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it because you're an idiot!

Roseanne:
She called me an idiot?

Arnie:
C'mon, that's enough, I've been out of work before, nobody let ME win!

Dan:
It's enough we let you sit at the grownups' table!

Jackie:
[on the phone with Bev] Oh hi Mom, this is Jackie. Happy Mother's Day. ... Yeah, yeah, it's a shame you can't say the same to me. ... Uh, so, did you get the slippers? ... Unique good or unique bad? ... ... Mom, don't you think that if I was dating somebody, I would tell you about it just to get you off my back? ... Oh, really. Well, go suck an egg. ... Huh? ... No! I did not! ... No, why would I say something like that? "Suck an egg" - I don't even know what that means! ... I'm telling you, I didn't say that. Must be a bad connection. So, listen Mom, Happy Mother's Day, and I'll tell Roseanne to give you a call when she gets up. ... Uh-huh, okay. [cheerfully] Bite me. [Hangs up]

Dan:
First of all, let's just say that...you going away for the weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away...that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.

Becky:
Well, it's unanimous.

Darlene:
Yeah, I'd say that about wraps it up.

Dan:
I don't think so.

Becky:
OK, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes. [she and Darlene snicker]

Dan:
She's not gonna 'like, explode', she's too busy cryin' her eyes out. I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.

Becky:
Oh, so now we're also supposed to apologize to you---

Dan:
Shut up! [to Darlene] And so I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too! Now, you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought that you were actually going to do something nice for her...you know, like you cared. And that would have been the very best thing you could've done for her today, but you just ruined it.

Darlene:
Well, what should we do?

Dan:
You're gonna make it up to her.

Becky:
Alright, we'll think of something---

Dan:
No! No, you had your chance. Now it's my turn.

Dan:
[to Roseanne, who is setting the table] Stop. We're going out to dinner.

Roseanne:
No, I don't want to eat with those girls. I just wanna have dinner and go to bed.

Dan:
They're not coming. I'm punishing them.

Roseanne:
No!

Dan:
Yes. And having to eat my chili is just the beginning. We'll decide the rest of their punishment over dinner. Let's go change.

Roseanne:
But they hate ME, right?

Dan:
Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME.

Roseanne:
Oh Dan, that's just great! [hugs him]

Dan:
Happy Mother's Day.

Roseanne:
[smiles as they leave] Oh man, this is so much better than some ol' robe!

Lady at Beauty Salon:
[showing Roseanne the results of her makeover] Well Mrs. Conner, what do you think?

Roseanne:
Oh, I'm beautiful! I no longer have to think.

Roseanne:
[discussing a meeting she had with D.J.'s teacher] Well, I had to go to school to see his teacher because it seems like he hasn't turned in any of his math homework for the past two weeks.

Dan:
I see, and how did he explain this?

Roseanne:
Well, he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.

Dan:
Did I suffer?

Roseanne:
No. Sniper. Clean shot.

Dan:
[reading Arnie's letter after he leaves Nancy] Who are the Allens, and why are they out of spice?

Roseanne:
Aliens, Dan, from outer space.

Dan:
Oh, that does make more sense.

Jackie:
Becky You're gonna run for student council again this year? Roseanne: You answered her Darlene. Darlene: High school very educational Aunt Jackie. Darlene: I am no longer on the Basketball team Darlene: Look I got other stuff to do Dan: What other stuff?

Dan:
Darlene's got a lot of talent Roseanne. Roseanne: She doesn't want to be with your little jock, Dan. So stop using her to fulfuill some of your fantasies to be a real basketball player.

Dan:
Fine Darlene, you wanna be a quitter be a quitter I Give up (As Dan storms off) Roseanne: Quitter Roseanne: Come on Darlene It's a Beautiful Day I want you to go out and do something.