Scorpion, Season 2

Toby Curtis:
I'm like mold, sporing on aged cheese: At first it's gross, but it grows on you. And eventually you realize how precious it is, what a rare and wonderful fungus you have. You better hope by then, the fungus hasn't moved on.

Multiple phones suddenly start ringing.

Cabe Gallo:
That would be NASA, NORAD, the UN, and NATO, all wanting to know about the unplanned missile launch.

Toby Curtis:
Let the machine get it.

Walter O'Brien:
The unmanned X-24G spacecraft!

Director Adriana Molina:
Whoa, that's a top-secret spy shuttle! How do you even know about that?

Sylvester Dodd:
That jet's the worst kept secret in the Air Force. Multiple blogs follow it.

Walter O'Brien:
How long would it take you to make an EMP device?

Happy Quinn:
Fast enough. I just need to get my hands on some microwave ovens.

...

Director Adriana Molina:
Microwave ovens?

Sylvester Dodd:
Well, how would you build an EMP?

Walter O'Brien:
When I'm not at a hundred percent, it frightens me.

Walter O'Brien:
Oh, that's a wrinkle.

Cabe Gallo:
[listening on comms] What did he say?

Happy Quinn:
"That's a wrinkle"?

Toby Curtis:
What's a wrinkle?

Walter's parachute lands on the ground next to Cabe, Happy, and Toby.

Cabe Gallo:
Oh, that's a wrinkle.

Happy Quinn:
Not good.

Cabe Gallo:
Men don't talk about their medals.

Sylvester Dodd:
Cabe, I don't see any parachutes! You knew we were gonna jump and you didn't tell me?

Cabe Gallo:
Well, if I did you wouldn't have come.

...

Cabe Gallo:
Have I ever put you in an unsafe situation?

Sylvester Dodd:
All the time!

Cabe Gallo:
Then you should be used to it.

Cabe Gallo:
There's a good chance Zoric is gonna be armed; you ready for this?

Walter O'Brien:
No.

Cabe Gallo:
Alright, then I'll go first.

Sylvester Dodd:
Guys, remember, Ernesto might by deaf, but Zoric is not. You need to be completely silent, or else he'll know someone's in there with him.

Toby Curtis:
Good point, Professor Obvious. Walter, also remember: We're in Cuba, and the Earth is round.

Cabe Gallo:
Who's Jackson Wyles?

Ralph Dineen:
Nobody.

Cabe Gallo:
There's two identical math sheets, one with your name on it, one with his.

Paige Dineen:
Ralph, why are you doing someone's homework for them?

Ralph Dineen:
To avoid injury.

Sylvester Dodd:
That's a good reason

Cabe Gallo:
Son, you can't let yourself get bullied. You gotta stand up for yourself. You know how to fight?

Paige Dineen:
He's not fighting.

Cabe Gallo:
That's the problem--he should be. Knock Jackson Wyles on his ass.

Happy Quinn:
Nothing stops a punk faster than a shot right to the snout.

Paige Dineen:
Thanks for the advice, but no.

Cabe Gallo:
I got an idea.

Paige Dineen:
Ralph, don't worry. I'm gonna set up a meeting with your principal and this Jackson Wyles' parents.

Sylvester Dodd:
Involving the bully's parents might be poking the bear. Ralph, how fast can you run?

Paige Dineen:
He's not going to run away. He's going to face his problems.

Toby Curtis:
His problem is probably twice his size and skilled at wedgies and rear admirals.

Ralph Dineen:
And the dreaded covered wagon.

Sylvester Dodd:
Maybe he shouldn't be wearing underwear.

Paige Dineen:
What?! I appreciate everyone's concern, but none of you are his mom.

Ralph Dineen:
I can handle this.

Walter O'Brien:
You can handle what? Everything OK, Ralph?

Paige Dineen:
Some kid's making Ralph do his homework for him.

Walter O'Brien:
Good, that is the perfect reason for Ralph to leave that school. He is smarter than everyone there, including the teachers. The guys and I will homeschool him from here.

Paige Dineen:
Worst idea yet.

[Toby plays a recording in Paige's voice]:
I think Toby's right. He's always right, or my name isn't Paige Dineen.

Toby Curtis:
Tweaked Walt's voice-adaptation software. It'll record the basic tone of anyone's voice, then it perfectly mimics whatever you type in.... And it is clearly not the time to unveil it.

Paige Dineen:
Thank God, this conversation's over. Sweetheart, I want you to avoid that boy today, and I'm gonna call Principal Pastorneck.

Ralph Dineen:
Don't, I can handle this. Just give me one day?

Paige Dineen:
Ok. Love you.

Sylvester Dodd:
Stay strong.

Cabe Gallo:
Hey, where you goin' kid? I just got the heavy bag up!

Ralph Dineen:
I gotta go; you can teach me to hit people later.

The team is creating a fake identity for Sylvester, who is going undercover in prison.

Walter O'Brien:
Your record's been input into the system: psychotic serial killer, sadism, torture, multiple counts. We just need a name for this psychopath.

Paige Dineen:
Jackson Wyles.

Ray Spiewack:
It's just temporary, until my app business takes off. Once I think of a good app.

Paige Dineen:
You have to get it before 9:45, because Toby says it takes 15 minutes for the drugs to kick in, and you have to be dead before Ten-Ton comes to kill you.

Sylvester Dodd:
I can't believe that sentence makes sense.

Toby Curtis:
Holy TV stars!

News Correspondent:
[on TV] I'm here with Ralph Dineen. Hi Ralph!

Ralph Dineen:
[on TV] Hello.

Paige Dineen:
Ralph get in here!

News Correspondent:
[on TV] Ralph, I understand you've just been accepted to Harvard, MIT, Caltech, to name a few. Not bad for a 10-year-old. How did this happen?

Ralph Dineen:
[on TV] I applied.

News Correspondent:
[on TV] Really, does your mom--

[Ralph turns off TV]

Ralph Dineen:
Now I'm a celebrity at school. Kids don't pick on celebrities.

Walter O'Brien:
He's right. I mean, this was an efficient plan involving zero confrontation.

Paige Dineen:
I never signed off on TV interviews.

[Ralph plays a recording in Paige's voice]:
Of course you can speak to my son Ralph, I'm so proud of him.

Walter O'Brien:
I've been saying for months that Ralph needs to ditch that school.

Ralph Dineen:
I'm staying in elementary school. If I can't relate to humans, I'll turn out like you guys.

Cabe is teaching Toby how to box.

Sylvester Dodd:
The PSI on those jabs is averaging 129. On a power scale that's...

Cabe Gallo:
Kitten. Sad kitten.

Deputy Director Cooper:
Because this is a black operation, my information is need-to-know. Walter O'Brien, Cabe Gallo, Happy Quinn, join me in my SUV.

Toby Curtis:
Hmm. Are you heading north or south? Ooh, eye flutter on south. Huntington? Long Beach? San Pedro? San Pedro it is. Meaning water. The ports.

Sylvester Dodd:
A frigate!

Deputy Director Cooper:
Can we leave now?

Toby Curtis:
You can only take three of the team, so space is an issue. A submarine? It's a submarine, isn't it? Anyway, Homeland needs Scorpion's help for a black ops nuclear submarine mission deep in international waters off the coast of California? Yep!

Toby and Sylvester bump fists.

Walter O'Brien:
They'll be needing me to code? I'll get my laptop.

Happy Quinn:
And I will be building something, so I'll get my tools.

Sylvester Dodd:
And I will get my party hat because I don't have to go on a submarine.

Cabe Gallo:
And I'll be going to keep anyone from wanting to kill them.

Paige Dineen:
That was painful. This whole experience has been painful.

Impound Lot Officer:
Odd. Most people who come in here are real upbeat.

Paige Dineen:
My people are smarter than your people....You don't want to wake up tomorrow knowing you could have saved 13 people who died because you followed the rules.

Walter O'Brien:
I don't know how much longer they can last.

Ensign Nathan Hall:
I didn't know you knew Morse code.

Walter O'Brien:
I didn't before I got in the sub, but I figured it out.

Happy Quinn:
Walt, we've got less than a minute now. This is normally when you think of something brilliant, so how's that coming?

Walter O'Brien:
The escape pod. The oxygen tank could be used as an escape pod!

Happy Quinn:
I asked for brilliant. I already told you there's too many bodies for buoyancy. We'll just sit there in the water.

Walter O'Brien:
Yeah, normally we would, but in our present circumstances, we're likely to be propelled upward from the blast.

Ensign Nathan Hall:
You really think we can ride the explosion of the submarine?

Walter O'Brien:
Yes. [pause] Maybe, I don't know. Or we die.

Megan O'Brien:
They're hopeful it gives me a better quality of life these last few months.

Sylvester Dodd:
Don't say that.

Megan O'Brien:
I thought geniuses liked facts.

Sylvester Dodd:
Not that one.

Toby Curtis:
If the collective IQ of NASA scientists had a baby with the brains of MIT researchers, they'd give birth to us.

Cabe Gallo:
I'll go with. The guys holding the warhead might have men patrolling the base looking for anyone that might disrupt their $20 million deal.

Toby Curtis:
I thought you had to leave your weapon at home because of customs. What can you do without a gun?

Cabe pinches Toby's shoulder and Toby collapses in pain.

Toby Curtis:
Ahh! He can do that.

Walter O'Brien:
I will never understand the allure of comic books. Superheroes, evil villains, it's nonsense.

Paige Dineen:
We do it all the time.

Walter O'Brien:
We aren't mortals who got powers from radiation exposure. We're simply organisms with abnormally dense brains that process glucose at a rate high enough to allow for advanced thought processing.

The team, except Sylvester, has to dress as characters from the Super Fun Guy comics as a disguise.

Toby Curtis:
I'm startin' to think we should just let 'em have the nuke....With great responsibility comes great wedgie.

Cabe Gallo:
This is just wrong.

...

Happy Quinn:
Don't say anything.

Toby Curtis:
Just friends.

Paige Dineen:
I don't know how the actors move in these things.

Walter O'Brien:
I want Homeland to double our fee. I feel absurd. I don't like feeling absurd.

Toby Curtis:
What is that? points to Ray's "Team Scorpeon" T-shirt

Ray Spiewack:
Just a T-shirt.

Happy Quinn:
You are not part of Scorpion!

Ray Spiewack:
But I live here.

Happy Quinn:
So does a possum, in the rafter.

Ray Spiewack:
Well, I did kinda help you guys, you know, get out of Kazakhstan.

Happy Quinn:
But it's spelled wrong. We're a team of geniuses.

Ray Spiewack:
Two P's. Got it.

Happy Quinn:
Hey, John McClane! Need a ride?

Walter O'Brien:
Who's John McClane?

Happy Quinn:
Just a movie, never mind.

[later]

Ray Spiewack:
Dude! It is just like that move!

Walter O'Brien:
Oh yeah, with John McCain.

Ray Spiewack:
No, not quite.

Toby Curtis:
You see that? She was just busy

Cabe Gallo:
First stage of grief: Denial.

Toby Curtis:
Grief over what?

Sylvester Dodd:
The fact that your attempted romance with Happy is dead.

Toby Curtis:
OK, no offense, but I'm not about to give weight to the psychiatric musings of a guy who uses a superhero lunch box and someone who still watches Bonanza.

Cabe Gallo:
Second stage of grief: Anger.

Sarah Goldberg:
Does Ralph play sports?

Paige Dineen:
Ralph is more of an indoor cat.

Ralph Dineen:
My telescope has a six-inch F8 reflector. Most are eight inches now, but I prefer the older version.

DOT Supervisor James Taggit:
Situation red-lined moments ago, we're just trying to figure out--What the hell?!

Walter O'Brien:
[on the phone] Relax, Mr. Taggit, that's just me. I've hacked your system, I'm giving the command for the train to slow down, but nothing is responding.

DOT Supervisor James Taggit:
Question 1, who the hell are you? And question 2, how did you get into the DOT server?

Walter O'Brien:
Answer 1, my name is Walter O'Brien. Answer 2, your security sucks. It's atrocious.

Walter O'Brien:
Counterbalance is one of the keys to your survival.

Paige Dineen:
One of the keys? What's the other?

Walter O'Brien:
How often they empty the grease tracks at Chucky Burger.

Ralph Dineen:
Give me the 9-volt battery from your stud finder.

Toby Curtis:
Stud finder? I can't go near those things, they just go off.

Paige Dineen:
Uh, you wanna fill me in here?

Ralph Dineen:
Most electronic doors use a servomotor. A computer sends an electronic signal to unlock it. But since that computer isn't working, I'll send the signal myself.

The door unlocks.

Paige Dineen:
That's why he doesn't have time for scouts.

Walter O'Brien:
How far away is that train?

Sylvester Dodd:
Its current path has it just a few minutes from you, heading towards the Olympic and Westwood stop. Why?

Walter O'Brien:
'Cause I'm getting on board.

Toby Curtis:
Suicidal genius says what now?

...

Cabe Gallo:
How the hell are you going to get on a train going 90 miles an hour?

Walter O'Brien:
I presume with great caution!

Happy Quinn:
Better hurry if you're gonna catch that train!

Walter O'Brien:
Really?

Happy Quinn:
I couldn't help myself.

Toby Curtis:
There's three primal fears everyone shares: extinction--ceasing to exist; mutilation--having one's body boundaries infiltrated; and loss of autonomy--feeling entrapped or paralyzed. Being buried alive covers all three.

Walter O'Brien:
I don't like this.

Paige Dineen:
What, me taking a risk, or me using logic against you?

Walter O'Brien:
Both.

Toby Curtis:
I would give anything for Happy to care enough to slap me.

Cabe Gallo:
Bargaining. Third stage of grief.

Toby Curtis:
It's just so disheartening.

Cabe Gallo:
And there's depression. I counted the gold coins; one of 'em's missing.

Toby Curtis:
Oh, I'm not a thief, I just wanted to play Proton Arnold with a $2 million quarter.

Toby Curtis:
I'm not lookin' for trouble I just need to see Happy...happy with Chet, and I then I'm at the fifth stage of grief.

Cabe Gallo:
Acceptance.

Toby Curtis:
And then I can move on.

Happy Quinn:
Knock knock.

[silence]

Happy Quinn:
Knock knock!

audience member:
Who's there?

Happy Quinn:
Matthew.

audience member:
Matthew who?

Happy Quinn:
Matthew could never do unless you had an IQ of 184!

[Audience is silent, except for Sylvester, who laughs hysterically]

Happy Quinn:
Ammonium and sodium hypochlorite hook up at a bar. Everyone inside dies.

Sylvester Dodd:
[laughing] It's funny because it's true!

Happy Quinn:
I've been reading this great book on anti-gravity; I can't put it down. I have this new theory on inertia, but it's not gaining any momentum.

[Sylvester is having trouble breathing because he is laughing so hard.]

Happy Quinn:
Thank you.

Walter O'Brien:
Well, that was factual.

Cabe Gallo:
Identify yourself!

Mark Willis:
Mark Willis, Central Intelligence.

Toby Curtis:
CIA. Explains how he came in like a cloud. A dark cloud.

Mark Willis:
Homeland's agreed to lend out Scorpion's services to my unit.

Toby Curtis:
Oh, lucky us!

Mark Willis:
For a significant payday.

Walter O'Brien:
We're listening.

Toby Curtis:
You guys have a secret airline? What kind of snacks are we talking?

Toby Curtis:
Good luck with that. We'll take our cashier's check now!

Mark Willis:
What if I doubled the fee?

Toby Curtis:
No!

Walter O'Brien:
Keep talking!

Walter O'Brien:
There's nothing that we really can't explain.

Paige Dineen:
What about death?

[pause]

Walter O'Brien:
It is the breakdown of biological functions that support life.

Paige Dineen:
See, you throw science at things that should be emotional.

Walter O'Brien:
We process the world differently from most people. It's all it is. And truthfully, I know exactly what's going on with Megan.

Paige Dineen:
There is a process to life that ends in unknown.

Walter O'Brien:
[pushes intercom button] Toby?

Toby Curtis:
What?

Walter O'Brien:
Can you explain Megan's condition as it stands?

Toby Curtis:
She has a bacterial infection in her lungs. Pneumonia.

Walter O'Brien:
Why's that?

Toby Curtis:
She has scarred, damaged lungs.

Walter O'Brien:
Why?

Toby Curtis:
She's inhaled small amounts of food and saliva that over time have damaged her lungs.

Walter O'Brien:
Mmm hmm. Why is that happening?

Toby Curtis:
Um, she can't swallow very well because of the MS.

Walter O'Brien:
Explain.

Toby Curtis:
The MS damaged some nerves in her brain, probably her medula.

Walter O'Brien:
How come?

Toby Curtis:
Her own immune system attacked the myelin sheaths around the nerves.

Walter O'Brien:
Thank you, Toby. [turns off intercom] You see, we know everything we need to know

Paige Dineen:
[turns on intercom] Toby, why is her own body attacking her nerves?

Toby Curtis:
You know, we don't know.

Paige Dineen:
What are you doing to my son?

Ray Spiewack:
Hey Peggy. I'm just helping him with his homework. His report card was a tad subpar.

Paige Dineen:
He gets straight A's.

Ray Spiewack:
Not in gym.

Paige Dineen:
Ralph doesn't care about gym.

Toby Curtis:
All boys care about gym. It's Lord of the Flies in there and getting picked last is painful. Trust me.

Paige Dineen:
I'm not sure I like him telling you guys things instead of me.

Toby Curtis:
He's one of us. We get him.

Toby Curtis:
Oh, bollocks, his accent changed from Colin Firth to Michael Caine. Is anything about you real?!

Megan O'Brien:
Please, Sylvester. Never again.

Sylvester Dodd:
The intubation? Megan, Walter has a court order.

Megan O'Brien:
Please?

Sylvester Dodd:
OK. I'll find a way.

Happy Quinn:
This is crazy that we're doing this, right?

Toby Curtis:
Well, psychologically speaking, crazy is a catchall for a myriad of pathologies and circumstances. But yeah, this is nuttier than a fruitcake.

Walter O'Brien:
I've controlled satellites from this computer. I can handle a thermostat.

Toby Curtis:
Your last name's Spiewack, right? Is that Polish?

Ray Spiewack:
As Polish as a bratwurst.

Toby Curtis:
OK, that's German. Look, you know any Polish at all?

Ray Spiewack:
I was raised by my Grandma Etoile.

Toby Curtis:
And that's French. Look, we're on a case and we're in a bit of a bind. You're gonna hear some people in the background speaking Polish. I got my phone linked into my comm. I'm gonna need you to translate it back to me in English.

Ray Spiewack:
De nada, amigo.

Toby Curtis:
Now we have Spanish. Remind me to punch you when we get back.

Sylvester Dodd:
Did you grab what we need?

Ray Spiewack:
I couldn't get it on such short notice. But I did grab a couple of Band-Aids!

Sylvester Dodd:
Ray is a licensed minister with the Immaculate Church of the Internet.

Sylvester Dodd:
Walter can't get in. Can I start hoarding cans of food now please?

Sylvester Dodd:
Oh, no. I am not going back to college. College was the worst six months of my life.

Toby Curtis:
I'm in! And I'm gonna do it right this time. College sucked hard for 14-year-old Tobias Curtis.

Paige Dineen:
Guys, college is fun!

Walter O'Brien:
College is a continued adolescence factory where parents subsidize years of nonsense instead of serious academic rigor.

Paige Dineen:
Yeah. Fun.

Pi Upsilon member:
Why do you want to go Pi Up?

Pi Upsilon rushee:
School spirit, to help with your great charitable work, and of course, sisterhood.

Happy Quinn:
I need a place to live, and this house has decent craftsmanship.

Pi Upsilon rushee:
Um.. why are you here? Lots of us are away from home for the first time. I am. And I miss my real sisters, and I think this place might be good for me. And everyone here is so nice...Except you. You're kind of mean and sarcastic. [pause] Have you ever gotten homesick? Wouldn't it be nice to have a surrogate family?

Happy Quinn:
I've thought about it from time to time.

Pi Upsilon rushee:
Well, you can't truly have one until you lower that shield of yours.

Happy turns on the radio in her car.

Happy Quinn:
I thought you could check one thing off your college bucket list.

Toby Curtis:
We're going streaking?!

Happy Quinn:
The dance, dummy.

While dancing, Happy rests her head on Toby's chest.

Toby Curtis:
What are you doing?

Happy Quinn:
Letting down my shield.

Walter O'Brien:
I haven't had a chance to spread them.

Toby Curtis:
So you keep them in a coffee can in your glove compartment?!

Walter O'Brien:
The urn they gave me was black. Megan hated black. And it's safe in there.

Sylvester Dodd:
We were together for a short time, but we didn't waste any moments. So there's no regrets.

Cabe Gallo:
Earthquake?

Happy Quinn:
No, that was pressure crack from concrete at least 15 feet thick.

Everyone looks at her in surprise.

Happy Quinn:
I know my concrete.

Toby Curtis:
This is nuttier than George Washington Carver's lunchbox.

Walter O'Brien:
Ralph, have you accessed the system?

Ralph Dineen:
Almost there.

Paige Dineen:
Uh, by the way, where's your sitter?

Ralph Dineen:
Downstairs on her phone. I gave her a soda.

Happy Quinn:
OK, that's the mark. And you gotta nail it.

Toby Curtis:
Here goes.

Toby's throw is nowhere near the mark.

Toby Curtis/Happy Quinn:
Not good.

Cabe Gallo:
You sure you know what you're doing?

Sylvester Dodd:
I am a hypochondriac. I've been taking my own blood pressure since I was nine.

Walter O'Brien:
Why is Sylvester administering you medical care?

Cabe Gallo:
My doctor says my numbers are up. He wants me to check it every morning.

Paige Dineen:
You're in good shape. Why would you have high blood pressure?

Toby Curtis:
Happy New Year! I got bagels. throws a bagel and hits Cabe

Cabe Gallo:
You were saying?

Happy Quinn:
It's alright. It's just an accident.

Toby Curtis:
Who are you and what have you done with Unhappy Quinn?

Sylvester Dodd:
I know severe stress when I see it. Special Forces or not, the human body can only take so much.

Ralph Dineen:
Captain Decker, your file says you're 28, so you were 18 in 2005.

Capt. Cody Decker:
I guess so.

Ralph Dineen:
My mom likes songs from when she was a teenager. I'll send you one from 2005. By the time it's over, you'll be 3 minutes and 49 seconds closer to being saved.

Toby Curtis:
OK, God, maybe you can hear me. I know I don't really believe in you, but there's no atheists in foxholes. Or blizzards.

Deputy Director Cooper:
Mr. Chairman--Doug--you will find a way to send a CH-53 Super Stallion to get them off that glacier, or I will call your wife and tell her it was you, not the nanny, who left the door open when the cat ran away. Julie really loved that cat.

Paige Dineen:
I was worried that Ralph wouldn't connect with other people because he has no siblings, but he's got a whole bunch right here.

Walter O'Brien:
Yeah, they're just not as mature as he is yet.

Paige Dineen:
There is a fine line between honesty and insult.

Walter O'Brien:
I do not see it. You are a hundred percent wrong.

Paige Dineen:
Yes, clearly you do not see it.

Toby Curtis:
Is this beef barley? How'd you know my favorite soup?

Ralph Dineen:
Eat it. You look awful.

Ralph hands a tablet to Toby.

Toby Curtis:
This is my favorite cartoon! You are the best sitter since Mrs. Claderman gave me pudding for dinner.

Kenneth Dood:
You actually understand what these guys are saying?

Cabe Gallo:
About half, and the rest I take on faith.

Paige is trying to create a distraction.

Paige Dineen:
Here, lyrics. You're doing the boy part.

Walter O'Brien:
OK...I'm doing what?

Paige Dineen:
You're doing the boy part.

Toby Curtis:
Oh God! I should be recording this.

Walter O'Brien:
[sings] Don't go breaking my heart.

Happy Quinn:
You got his favorite soup? Tea?

Ralph Dineen:
Everything that you said.

Happy Quinn:
OK, good boy. pays Ralph for baby-sitting Toby

Ralph Dineen:
You always yell at Toby. Why'd you want me to do all this?

Happy Quinn:
The truth is, I'm falling for the guy.

Ralph Dineen:
Eww, gross.

Happy Quinn:
I know, right?

Linda:
All I remember is walking to my car after our date--

Toby Curtis:
You didn't walk her to her car? I thought you said it went well!

Walter O'Brien:
It's an antiquated sexist notion.

Walter O'Brien:
Come on, Toby, this is hazelnut creamer!

Toby Curtis:
And that's a table, and that's a chair. I'm pretty good at this game.

Walter O'Brien:
You wrote "hazelnut" in front of creamer again on the grocery list. I hate hazelnut!

Toby Curtis:
People like flavored creamers.

Walter O'Brien:
Creamer is a flavor and you could have just written a different item under it.

Toby Curtis:
You could just relax. Don't be such a creamer-screamer.

Walter O'Brien:
I'm not screaming, though I could very easily if you don't stop that nonsense you've been pulling.

Toby Curtis:
Really?

Walter O'Brien:
Yes.

Paige Dineen:
OK.

Walter O'Brien:
Absolutely.

Paige Dineen:
OK, this has gotta end.

Walter O'Brien:
What does?

Sylvester Dodd:
You two fighting constantly lately.

Cabe Gallo:
She's right. You two argue like an old married couple.

Walter O'Brien:
He's intentionally antagonistic.

Toby Curtis:
Actually, I'm half antagonistic, on my mother's side. But my father? One hundred percent oppositional.

Walter O'Brien:
Over the past weeks, your antics have gone from petty annoyance to overtly combative.

Toby Curtis:
Objection. Inflammatory.

Paige Dineen:
Overruled.

Toby Curtis:
Objection. You can't make that call. You two are sweet on each other.

Paige Dineen/Walter O'Brien:
Objection!

Toby Curtis:
OK, if we're gonna play kangaroo court: I have to go out of pocket to sweeten my java because all we normally have here is regular creamer.

Happy Quinn:
That honey is from Kovelsky's, it's free.

Toby Curtis:
Immaterial.

Paige Dineen:
You know what? You both suck. Your bickering is making everyone miserable.

Sylvester Dodd:
Copy that.

Paige Dineen:
You're being sent to couple's therapy.

Happy Quinn:
Awesome!

Walter O'Brien:
What? No.

Toby Curtis:
I'm with jerkface.

Paige Dineen:
Well, too bad. I manage this ball club.

...

Cabe Gallo:
You heard the judge.

Ralph Dineen:
Good job, Mom. Fair, but stern.

Paige Dineen:
I may not be a genius, but I can still tell when you want something.

Sylvester Dodd:
I promised your mother I'd keep you safe.

Paige Dineen:
[on comms] What was that? What are you doing that's unsafe?

Ralph Dineen:
I'm removing my comms, Mom. Sylvester can't see, so I can't have distractions while driving.

Paige Dineen:
What?! Ralph? Sylvester!!

Ralph Dineen:
I'd take my comms out, too. She sounded mad.

Sylvester Dodd:
[removes ear mic] Oh God, I'm dead.

Man:
Are you sure he knows what he's doing?

Sylvester Dodd:
Absolutely. He's first in his class.

Man:
Where, elementary school?!

Sylvester Dodd:
Actually, Caltech. And elementary school.

Walter O'Brien:
I'm sorry.

Toby Curtis:
Huh?

Walter O'Brien:
For whatever I did that made you so mad at me. I mean, I know I have relationship problems. I barely speak to my parents, and I can't date a woman for more than a few months. But I do try to be a cognizant friend to you, to Happy, Sly, 'cause we're supposed to understand each other....But if I'm making you so upset to where you're arguing with me about minutia, and I don't even know what I'm doing wrong, then I am not making as much progress as what I thought. It's disheartening.

Sylvester Dodd:
Alright, Ralph. Let's be outdoor cats.

Walter O'Brien:
I want to be a good friend, and not drive people crazy.

Toby Curtis:
OK, that's it, I can't take the guilt anymore. Walter, you didn't do anything. Truth is, we both know I'm a little self-destructive and lately I've been on this roll. I love my job, I'm even doin' well at the ponies, and I can sabotage myself when I have all that I want. What is more self-destructive than picking a fight with your boss? Look man, I've never been happier in my life, and I don't know how to handle that, so I become a pain in the tuchas. That's on me. I'm sorry.

Walter O'Brien:
Wow, that's messed up.

Happy Quinn:
Really, Doc? You've really never been happier?

Toby Curtis:
[using a puppet and mocking voice] My name's Walter O'Brien. I have the fourth-highest IQ ever recorded, 197. Einstein's was 160.

Walter O'Brien:
Yes, they're both facts.

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
But what is he saying?

Walter O'Brien:
Mm-hmm.

Toby Curtis:
I'm saying you have a superiority complex.

Walter O'Brien:
But I am superior.

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
Ah, ah, ah! If you want your feelings to be felt, you must use the felt.

Walter O'Brien:
[using puppet] My name is Toby. I went to Harvard. I chase Happy Quinn around like a schoolboy. I probably wear this hat in the shower.

Toby Curtis:
You see? Just attacks the hat.

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
Nah, forget the hat. The hat is stupid. Who's Happy Quinn? Walter might have some unconscious concerns about her to bring her up now.

Walter O'Brien:
No, very conscious. His obsession with her affects his efficacy.

Toby Curtis:
She's not...she's a friend, friend from work.

[buzzer]

Toby Curtis:
What the hell is that?

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
That's my nuttin' button. When you say something that's nuttin' but a lie [buzz].

Toby Curtis:
I didn't lie.

[buzzer]

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
Lie by ommission. You said friend twice, back to back. Repetitive proximity pattern. You and Happy are more than friends.

Toby Curtis:
Please, I'm not about to be analyzed by someone whose degree came with pop-up ads.

[buzzer]

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
Right to dismissive word choice.

Walter O'Brien:
There's no fraternization at work.

Toby Curtis:
We're not fraternizing at work.

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
Notice his use of the qualifier "at work"?

Walter O'Brien:
He did! He used a qualifier!

Toby Curtis:
Yeah, but... No!

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
Tobias, a little rumscuttle with someone you care about, nothing to be ashamed of. But therapy only works in conjunction with honesty. So, are you involved in amorous congress with Miss Quinn or not? We await your answer.

[pause]

Toby Curtis:
Oh crap.

Ralph Dineen:
I can't believe Walter bought us a cotton candy machine!

Walter O'Brien:
Yeah, I can't believe it either. But it just got delivered here?

Toby Curtis:
I didn't know what was in the box, I just signed for it. Someone must have stolen your credit card number.

Sylvester Dodd:
You were mad at Walter, so you charged a bunch of expensive nonsense to the corporate card just to annoy him?

Toby Curtis:
Your Super Fun Guy pinball machine arrives tomorrow.

Sylvester Dodd:
Sweet.

Happy Quinn:
You're holding the bunny way too tight, Lennie.

Delivery Man:
Hey, I got a pair of jet skis for O'Brien.

Happy Quinn:
Let's get out of here before you get fired.

Toby Curtis:
Yep.

Mick Doherty:
Keep your voice down, I don't want anyone hearin' this.

Cabe Gallo:
You kiddin' me?

Cabe opens the blinds to reveal the whole team standing on the other side.

Toby Curtis:
We only heard all of it.

Walter O'Brien:
Call Know-It-All.

Phone Voice Response:
Calling Know-It-All.

Toby's phone rings; caller ID reads Ego-Maniac.

Toby Curtis:
I don't often play the med school card, but I went to Harvard.

Happy Quinn:
Seriously?

Toby Curtis:
First thing when you wanna get something out of someone: make them comfortable. Don't say anything blunt or harsh. In other words, Happy, don't be yourself.

Happy Quinn:
I'd be offended by that if it weren't so true.

Toby Curtis:
Oh my God.

Sylvester Dodd:
I know. Long rap sheet for a juvenile.

Toby Curtis:
No, I mean his student council photo. Are those parachute pants?

Tim Armstrong:
I'm excited to work with a team of geniuses. What are they like?

Cabe Gallo:
They're unique.

[later]

Walter O'Brien:
Toby, you might wanna take your bra off; Cabe's trainee arrives today.

Ralph Dineen:
Just dance, monkey!

Toby Curtis:
It's not the first time that the mentally enabled got hoodwinked for believing everyone's as straightforward as we are.

Sylvester Dodd:
Ostracized for being too smart. You know, it's Mensa all over again!

Heywood Jahelpme Morris:
You've been discriminated against before for being a genius?

Sylvester Dodd:
Sort of. Picked on.

Toby Curtis:
Treated different.

Happy Quinn:
Shut out.

Sylvester Dodd:
But not discriminated against.

Heywood Jahelpme Morris:
Uh...Who here has the law degree?

Toby Curtis:
I hope that was rhetorical.

Tim Armstrong:
Are they always like this?

Cabe Gallo:
No, sometimes they're weird.

Toby Curtis:
What's up Honey Bear Kitten Pie?

Happy Quinn:
Nothing, you Stupid Dummy Moron Jerk.

Walter O'Brien:
We're friends. We're co-workers.

Toby Curtis:
Oh, that's right. That's my mistake. I keep forgetting because of the way you look, feel, and talk about her.

Paige Dineen:
Are you ready for your presentation?

Ralph Dineen:
I am. But why'd you have to have Sylvester stay back and watch me?

Paige Dineen:
Because he can do software support from the garage, and we won't be back 'til tomorrow, and he doesn't charge, and baby-sitters do. Why? You love Sylvester!

Ralph Dineen:
I do. But he's very...enthusiastic.

Sylvester Dodd:
[wearing a "GO RALPH!" T-shirt] Packed house! I am so excited for your presentation!

Ralph Dineen:
I can see.

Toby Curtis:
Wow, even you don't speak Vietnamese.

Walter O'Brien:
Well, I could in an hour!

John Pandova:
What the heck is he doing?!

Paige Dineen:
It's been my experience that if you wait a beat, he usually explains himself.

Walter O'Brien:
Ralph, you need to link your software program to the satelite...it can get us satelite data in real time.

Ralph Dineen:
I don't think that's a good idea. My professor failed me.

Walter O'Brien:
Who cares? Your professor is a human; you are genius. Now, I have faith in your mind, but if you don't, there is no point in you having your ability.

Agent Cooke:
I need proof. And the only way to prove Fort Knox isn't secure is to break in.

Toby Curtis/Sylvester Dodd:
Crazy man says what now?

Happy Quinn:
We can do it.

Toby Curtis:
Really? What makes you think you can handle a switcharoo Indiana Jones couldn't pull off? A giant boulder almost crushed him.

Walter O'Brien:
Who's Indiana Jones, a state senator?

Walter O'Brien:
I used to think that I had the fourth-highest IQ in the world. But now I realize that you have dropped me down to number 5.

Ralph Dineen:
That got you upset?

Walter O'Brien:
No! No, what upset me was that you were willing to slow down for me, to let me go down the wrong road when that would have hindered you because I couldn't grasp your work. Never hobble your intelligence for anyone. Because if you do that in this garage, imagine what you'll have to do out there. With the humans. The world needs to catch up to you. Because if it can just a little, imagine what a beautiful place it could be.

Toby Curtis:
In the early years of Scorpion, Mark Collins showed incredible brilliance. One of the smartest members on the team. He amazed me, all of us. He also scared us.

Judge:
How so?

Toby Curtis:
He gets lost in his own mind, his thoughts and his theories. And if you disagree with one of his constructs, he lashes out, gets violent.

Mark Collins:
He's just jealous.

Judge:
Mr. Collins, you will have your chance to speak.

Toby Curtis:
See that look he has? That's a 1. You don't want to see him at 10.

Judge:
As someone who has worked with the applicant and known him in a personal capacity, do you have an opinion regarding his potential release from this facility?

Toby Curtis:
Well as a former colleague, and as a psychiatrist with a degree from Harvar--

Mark Collins:
Harvard Medical School. Big deal. I don't need some elbow-patch professor to tell me what to think. I can create my own knowledge.

Toby Curtis:
Create your own reality.

Mark Collins:
You've always hated me because I came between you and Walter. Because I was his favorite mind. We went places together that you could never even fathom, Toby. All up here.

Toby Curtis:
I'm sure it's lovely in there with all the elf socials and unicorn parties.

Judge:
Dr. Curtis, I just simply need your opinion for the record with respect to Mr. Collins' sanity. How sane is he?

Toby Curtis:
Medically speaking, he's nuttier than peanut brittle.

Mark Collins:
I WILL KILL YOU!

Walter O'Brien:
Why do we keep getting invoices from the United States Treasury?

Paige Dineen:
'Cause we flooded Fort Knox.

Walter O'Brien:
Oh, right. Well, tell them Homeland will cover it.

Oksana Nastrova:
Chernobyl power plant. In terms of cost and casualties, worst nuclear accident in history. Now, only a fraction of the cesium in the reactor actually melted down.

Sylvester Dodd:
Don't say we're going there, don't say we're going there...

...

Cabe Gallo:
Get your passports.

Sylvester Dodd:
I wish I didn't even have a passport.

Happy Quinn:
We won't have to go in there thanks to old RANDY here.

Cabe Gallo:
Randy?

Happy Quinn:
Radiation And Nuclear Deployment Yeoman.

Walter O'Brien:
How 'bout VIRGIL? VIrtual Reality Gyroscopic Laborer?

Sylvester Dodd:
HOWARD. Humanoid-Out-Wandering-About Radiation Device.

Happy Quinn:
Heh heh heh, his name's Randy.

Toby Curtis:
It'll be Chernobyl 2: The Sequel. Nine out of ten sequels are worse than the original!

Paige Dineen:
There's no way down.

Walter O'Brien:
Actually, there is, I just didn't mention it earlier.

Paige Dineen:
Is it borderline insane?

Walter O'Brien:
Uh, it goes slightly beyond the border.

...

Walter O'Brien:
OK, when I say 'now,' step off.

Paige Dineen:
I'm just not gonna look.

Walter O'Brien:
I think that's wise.

Toby Curtis:
Hey, Big Brain? I'm taking the company car. Keys please.

Walter O'Brien:
We don't have a company car.

Toby Curtis:
Your new car's the company car. We voted. It's really nice.

Walter O'Brien:
Where is Toby? I didn't see my car in the parking lot.

Sylvester Dodd:
You mean the company car?

Walter O'Brien:
About that. I missed the vote where my car became the company car.

Sylvester Dodd:
Well, it was a landslide. Your vote wouldn't have mattered.

Walter O'Brien:
Where are they?

Toby Curtis:
What?

Walter O'Brien:
My car keys, where are they?

Toby Curtis:
To the company car?

Walter O'Brien:
IT'S MY CAR, WHERE ARE THEY?!

Toby Curtis:
On my desk. Where're you going?

Walter O'Brien:
I'm gonna stop Paige. I uh, I love her. I'm a moron.

Toby Curtis:
Nope. You're just a genius.