Skins, Series 1

Tony:
Tonight's the night, Sid. You finally pop the cherry, you finally get the VIP tour of Neverland, you finally...

Sid:
F*** off. [mutters] Don't make fun of me.

Tony:
Alright, who's stupid enough to f*** Sid?

Michelle:
Cassie?

Sid:
No, she's still in hospital.

Michelle:
No, they let her out; she's just not allowed to handle knives.

Sid:
[defeated] Alright, she'll do.

Tony:
Okay we'll have to get a lot of drugs. Tell you what: get an ounce. We can sell it at the party.

Sid:
I've got to get an ounce of spliff?

Tony:
Sure. There's this guy on Bradley Stoke who'll sell on tick; tell him you'll pay tomorrow.

Sid:
Why don't you go?

Tony:
Can't. Got tai chi, then my choir audition, then psychology.

Michelle:
Cassie's great in the sack... as long as she's not hungry.

Sid:
Who says?

Tony and Michelle:
Everyone.

Tony:
I say this world extends way beyond this little field of dreams we're dancing in, and I wanna see that world.

Chris:
What the f***'s he on about?

Jal:
He's quoting, Chris. It's a literary reference.

Chris:
What do you mean, like Shakespeare and shit?

Jal:
Dawson's Creek.

Maxxie:
Where are you going?

Chris:
To find that party.

Maxxie:
Nah!

Chris:
Look, it's posh kids! All the boys are gay!

Maxxie:
Yea?

Anwar:
Are the girls gay, too?

Chris:
Look... everyone's gay!

Tony:
How's the treatment going, Cassie?

Cassie:
Oh, it's cool. I wear a white dress and now I can eat yogurt, cup-a-soup, and hazelnuts now. I'm not sick if they let me play with the cats. Yeah, it's like... hazy days, y'know?

Tony:
Well, that's encouraging...

Sid:
I mean, what would you do when everything is just so f***ed up and you don't know what to do?

Cassie:
I stop eating until they take me to hospital.

Anwar:
I'm praying to my God here, Cass.

Cassie:
Oh... wow... is he listening?

Anwar:
I hope not, otherwise he'll know about all those pills I necked last night.

Cassie:
Think quietly.

Cassie:
: 'Chelle?

Michelle:
[mumbling in her sleep] F*** off, Tone.

Cassie:
: It's me, Cass.

Michelle:
: Crazy bitch.

Cassie:
: ...Yes.

Ms Stock:
[on the phone to her daughter Abigail] Yes?... No... No, I don't care who's going, Abigail, you failed to comply with my wishes regarding parties and carpets were damaged!... Stop crying!... I am not an "expletive bitch", I am your mother! Have you taken your medication?... Well, take it now. Now!

Tony:
You stink.

Sid:
I didn't have time.

Tony:
Time? I've been home, showered, done my Chi, had a wank, subtly undermined my dad, put new clothes on and here I am, with my English coursework.

Sid:
English coursework? [in dismay] Oh f***...

Tony:
You know, Sid, sometimes I wonder why you even bother to get up in the morning. You're such a complete and total f***ing waste of time and... [angered, Cassie discreetly nudges her plate, spilling Sid's Coca Cola on Tony's trousers] Ah, shit!

Cassie:
Wow, Tony. Bummer, It looks like you pissed yourself.

Tony:
[furiously] That's not supposed to f***ing happen!

[There is laughter from Anwar's table]

Anwar:
Look at Tony, man! [laughing] Ah shit man!

Posh Kenneth:
Raas blood, white boy gone piss himself up, you get me! Mandem's sick stains! Hey cuz! Yo got serious stains! Him cream up his pussy good style!

[Tony gets up and assaults Posh Kenneth]

Cassie:
I'm a bad person. [Sid smiles and nods]

Tony:
[sulkily, to Sid] Come on.

[Tony is drying his pants in the staff locker room when unbeknownst to him his teacher Angie exits the shower completely naked, puts on a see-through thong, then slams her locker door, alerting Tony to her presence]

Angie:
[walking toward Tony while topless] Tony, this is a room for female staff...!

Tony:
[staring at Angie's naked breasts] Yeah, the dryer's broken in ours. [Angie puts her hands on her hips disapprovingly, but doesn't cover her chest, letting Tony look]

Sid:
[walking in] Oh, there you are. Jesus, we're in trouble. That crazy f***ing dealer found us Tony-hi, Angie [Angie quickly uses her hands to cover her breasts]-I mean, we gotta do something, you could talk to him... [noticing that Angie's naked, staring down at her see-through thong] oh, f***!

Chris:
[walking in] Aw, you wankers, that was well funny, man! I bet someone's going to have to apologise because Kenneth's crying now so he... [realises Angie is staring at him] Oh, Jesus Christ, that's Angie, Mary mother of God, that's Angie! Don't look, get out!

Angie:
For f***'s sake, f*** off! [after the boys leave she lets her breasts go and watches them bounce] Ah, I still got it.

Cassie:
This guy from my group therapy's got your ID card. He's a crazy f*** and he hates you because you cheated him.

Sid:
What's his name?

Cassie:
He likes to be called Mad.

Sid:
Twatter?

Cassie:
Yeah, totally. What did you do?

Sid:
I bought some dope on the tick and lost it in the harbour, and... oh, f***!

Michelle:
You, girl, need to learn a few tricks.

Jal:
Like what?

Michelle:
Like looking good, it's what I do.

Jal:
It isn't all you do.

Michelle:
Yeah, it is. You play clarinet and I look shaggable.

[All the guys at the table are staring at Jal's breasts]

Jal:
For Christ's sake! Stop Looking at them!

Maxxie:
Oh, sorry Jal. Well, they're out aren't they?

Jal:
[to Maxxie] You're gay!

Maxxie:
[enchanted] Yeah... [snaps back to normal] I mean, yeah. Of course.

Jal:
[to Anwar] You're supposed to respect womens' bodies, Muslim boy!

Anwar:
I'm respecting. Believe me, I'm respecting.

Jal's Father:
[into a microphone, spoken word] I'm inspired-I'm offline, a renegade, disturbing the peace while I'm spitting a serenade. All this tension, miscomprehension. I'm informed and on the level that I might mention that when I scream it's just passion. I ain't angry at culture, I ain't angry at fashion. And I might sound spiteful if I feel shit's epidemic; I admit that some is soul and some is academic. I've been doing this forever, so why're you choosing now? Turning your face away is a punch in the gut-Pow! So swing a rhyme of time, like the daft sing of love, so keep your peace. 'Cause I've got kin, I've got skin to think of.

Chris:
[attempting to return a stereo] Look, man, I bought it yesterday, and I remember you! Very good... face for memorising. So yeah, I bought it from you and you were chuffed to sell it.

[The shop assistant opens the CD drawer]

Shop assistant:
There's a pop tart in the CD drawer.

[A squatter shoves a naked Chris out of his own house after they fought]

Squatter:
Listen, take a while, calm down, maybe take a day or two and then we'll talk about it, alright?

Chris:
It's my f***ing house!

Squatter:
I don't make the rules, man, I don't make the rules.

Junkyard Man:
[buying Chris' wheelbarrow] How do you want it? Powder, pills or cash?

Chris:
Cash.

Junkyard Man:
[counting out money] 10, 15, 20, job done.

Chris:
F*** it, let's have a look at these pills, then.

Jal:
You try it: no mum, no dad, all on your own.

Tony Stonem:
Sounds brilliant to me.

Mark Jenkins:
Oh yes, my boy, we're going to do this my way now, you hear me!? The gravy train has terminated, terminated! You lazy little f***er.

Liz:
Mark! -

Mark:
Did Tony fail this?

Sid:
No.

Mark:
No, of course not! And why? Why didn't he fail it?

Sid:
He doesn't take History.

Mark:
Right! [beat] You are going to get something, something right, if it's the last thing I ever do! What's your next class?

Sid:
Drama.

Mark:
Right. Drama. Home. Coursework. F***ing perfection. Or else.

Sid:
Why are you talking in very short sentences?

Mark:
Emphasis! Drama! F*** off!

[Michelle walks in on Tony and Abigail with tonys hand up her shirt]

Michelle:
What the f***?

Abigail:
Um, excuse me?

Tony:
Hi, Just checking Abi's diaphragm contractions.

Michelle:
What the hell is going on?

Tony:
The simple act of performance sweetie. What did you think?

Michelle:
Bullshit Tony! You f***ing sick... God you're such a wanker!

Tony:
Here...

[Tony gives Michelle flowers]

Michelle:
F*** you!

Tony:
[In baby voice]: Fluffy teddy bear?

[Michelle rips the teddy apart]

Abigail:
That's my lucky teddy!

Michelle:
And you can f*** off too!

Abigail:
Well Michelle... I'm just wondering why you're overreacting like this?

Michelle:
Overreacting!? Right in my face you whore!

Abigail:
You know, typically, episodes of paranoia might be symptomatic of a wide range of emotional and mental issues. Maybe, you know, you need some help with the outbursts. My mother's a psychologist, she could...

[Michelle slaps Abigail]

Abigail:
Ow! I'll kill you, you f***ing flat-chested cock sucking spastic horse-f***er!

Sid:
Wow, that's good swearing.

Tony:
Change. It's a wonderful thing. Look, you know how subatomic particles don't obey physical laws? They act according to chance, chaos, coincidence. They run into each other in the middle of the universe somewhere and bang! Energy! We're the same as that. That's the great thing about the universe: unpredictable. That's why it's so much fun.

Cassie:
I've been waiting. Where were you?

Sid:
I was out.

Cassie:
Who with?

Sid:
Michelle.

Cassie:
Michelle? Wow!

Sid:
Listen, Cass, I've had a bit of a bad nigh-[is interrupted by Cassie]

Cassie:
Michelle's so lovely! [singsong] Michelle... my girl. [Rapidly] I love her, I love her, I love her! So hey, wow! F*** you, Sid! [Sid tries to protest] F*** you, f*** you, f*** you! [Cassie shoots her toy water gun at Sid's face then breaks down in tears] I'm going home.

[Sid tries to stop her from leaving so he can explain]

Cassie:
[kissing Sid] It's your choice, everything is your choice. [whispers] Wake up, Sid.

Chris:
Everything you could ever want from an evening. Songs, choir girls, colourful costumes, fellatio... rabbits.

Maxxie:
Rabbits?

Chris:
Don't ask.

[Anwar gets out of the Russian interrogation room]

Anwar:
Now what?

Angie:
Walk on.

Anwar:
Fine. It's just that they look so disappointed that I'm not a terrorist.

Tony:
Well you are a very dull Muslim. Very dull indeed.

[Maxxie, looking through Anwar's suitcase, finds his mother has arranged his clothes in plastic wrapping and labelled them, as if he is a child]

Anwar:
What, you try arguing with a 45-year old Pakistani woman then.

Maxxie:
Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.

Sid:
What, like more Muslim than he was already?

Maxxie:
A bit more Muslim, yeah.

Tony:
What happened?

Maxxie:
Well, he's just like, switched about me being, you know-

Tony:
Blond?

Maxxie:
No.

Tony:
Short?

Maxxie:
Gay!

Tony:
[pause] Shall I give you head?

Maxxie:
What?

Tony:
[grins] Cheer you up.

Maxxie:
For f***'s sake! You're supposed to be my friend Tony and I come in here with a problem, okay?

[Tony kisses Maxxie]

Maxxie:
You f***...

Tony:
We're in Russia! I wanna try something new.

Maxxie:
I'm... not a hobby Tony. You're not taking up canoeing here.

Tony:
I've been canoeing.

Maxxie:
What about Michelle?

Tony:
Loves canoeing.

Maxxie:
Anwar's a f***ing liar! Lies to his mum all the f***ing time! No, no, no, f*** that. He makes me lie for him.

Valentina:
Who is Anwar?

Maxxie:
... a friend.

Valentina:
Who is homo?

Maxxie:
Me! Anwar hates me 'cause I'm a f***ing homo!

Valentina:
Anwar hate homo?

Maxxie:
Yeah.

Valentina:
Anwar is friend?

Maxxie:
Yeah.

Valentina:
So, Anwar is problem! No, Maxxie... Valentina help Maxxie?

Maxxie:
Yeah, yeah, thank you.

Valentina:
Maxxie help Valentina?

Angie:
I don't have sex with my 17 year-old students!

Chris Miles:
How old are they normally?

Sid:
[to himself] Every time. Every f***ing time. "Buy three ounces of weed, Sidney." Oh yes, sir. "Shove a bag of pills up your ass, Sidney." Oh, right away. "Come help me save some random bint." Oh, could I? What have we learned, Sidney? Your friends are shitheads.

Valentina:
What is problem?

Maxxie:
You won't understand. I mean you can't even speak English.

Valentina:
No problem. Vodka.

Valentina:
You tell me problem. We drink, problem kaput!

Anwar:
You speak English!

Anka:
Yeah! I learned from like so the best American show ever. How you doin'?

[Chris has just seen Michelle act coldly to Tony and Tony getting slapped]

Chris Miles:
Jesus, Sid, are you going to tell me what's going on? It's like a f***ing episode of The O.C. in here!

Jal:
'Chelle, what happened?

Michelle:
[crying] Never mind!

Jal:
Never mind? Did he screw someone again?

Michelle:
Again?

Jal:
I tried to tell you 'Shell.

Michelle:
About who?

Jal:
But you never wanna hear it.

Michelle:
About who, for Christ's sakes!?

Jal:
Jenny, Mags, Kelly, White Justine, Black Justine, Bucktooth from the Geography trip, the posh girl from the choir...

Michelle:
Abigail? Abigail Stock? He promised he hadn't!

[Tony is outside Michelle's house throwing pebbles at her window]

Tony:
'Chelle! 'Chelle! Hey, Nips! [reciting Shakespeare] It is the east and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief.

[Sid approaches Tony]

Sid:
Why don't you just leave her alone for a bit?

Tony:
Sidney?

Sid:
She thinks you're a tit.

Tony:
She doesn't think I'm a tit.

Sid:
Why do you pull all this shit, Tony?

Tony:
Look around Sidney. F*** all ever happens in this shitty little town. You've gotta improvise.

Sid:
No matter who you hurt?

Tony:
So I messed around with Maxxie a bit. So what? He was bored, I was bored, Michelle was bored, and now we're not. And she's gonna feel so good when she gets me back.

Sid:
You sure?

Tony:
Don't be such a dildo, Sid. 'Course she will. [continues reciting Shakespeare] It is my lady! O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? Her eye discourses it. I will answer it.

[Sid violently punches Tony in the face, knocking him down, and leaves]

Tony:
[in shock] Sid? You see, Sidney? Now you're getting it! Now you're getting it!

[Tony struggles to regain his confidence, but eventually throws the stone away and leaves, visibly shaken by Sid's punch]

'[Mark catches Sid and Michelle in a compromising situation]

Mark:
Sid, have you got a razor I can borrow? [Looks astonished at what meets him]

Sid:
It's OK, Dad. Michelle's just a bit upset.

[Nervously, he offers a thumbs-up and leaves]

Mark:
Finally! [calls his wife] Liz... Yeah. [Excitedly] Hey listen. It's conclusive! He's not gay!

Maxxie:
I got off with Tony on the Russia trip. I only did it 'cause I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays. So I got upset and Tony said he'd give me head to cheer me up, you know? And it didn't mean anything but I lost my head, then he gave me head, then we got deported from Russia and I'm really, really sorry for being a slut, okay?

Effy:
Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know came out my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love I hate, and the people I hate...

[Sid and Tony are rushing to Effy's rescue]

Sid:
Hang on, you want to nick my dad's car? Why can't we nick your dad's instead?

Tony:
Because, Sid, my dad has central locking, sophisticated alarm system, and probably thinks a spell in prison would do me good. Whereas your dad has a 20 year-old car, neighbourhood watch, and won't prosecute.

Tony:
Effy's different, I sort of own her, 'cause she's my sister. But with you... I just really wanted you there. Then you were, in the car.

Sid:
Thing is, Tony, you sort of own me too. Mostly in a good way.

[Anthea and Jim are accusing Tony of giving Effy drugs]

Anthea:
I suppose we should congratulate you for getting her clean drugs.

Tony:
You think this was me?

Anthea:
She was with you.

Tony:
I wasn't. I was...

Jim:
Don't deny it.

Anthea:
Tony, she's your little sister.

Tony:
I know. I know. But listen, for a second...

Anthea:
No. I've had enough of listening to you. We all have. You and your horrid little ways, always at other people's expense.

Sid:
Hang on. That's enough.

Anthea:
What!?

Sid:
He loves Effy. Don't you think this is hard enough?

Jim:
And who the f*** are you?

Sid:
I'm his best friend!

Jim:
And I'm his f***ing father!

Sid:
[coldly] I know what you are. [pause] Come on, Tony, we're going. [gets up]

Sid:
[writing a letter] Cassie, I don't care if you think you're odd, because I feel like singing when I see you. And you're beautiful. And I've been such a f***ing chapstick this past few weeks. And all I want to do this morning is sit on top of Brandon Hill and hold you, and tell you how wonderful you are... and stick my hand down your knickers. [thinks, crosses this out]

[Concurrently]

Cassie:
[writing a letter] Dear Sid, it isn't easy to tell you this, so that's why I'm writing. Don't try to ring me, because you're not allowed to here, and anyway I don't want to speak to you. And there's nothing you can say to change this. My mom and dad decided that things aren't working out, so I'm moving to a place called Elgin. It's in Scotland, and everyone's happy there. They're coming for me tonight, and then I'll be gone and we won't have to play this silly game anymore. I want you to know that I really liked you, Sid. But... it's too late now. Goodbye.

Maxxie:
I'm gay, Mr. Kharrel. I always have been.

Mr. Kharrel:
It's a f***ing stupid messed up world. I've got my God. He speaks to me everyday. Somethings I just can't work out so I leave them be, okay? Even if I think they're wrong, because I know someday he'll make me understand. I've got that trust. It's called belief. I'm a lucky man.

Sid:
Tony you're my best friend, but I really don't know what the f*** you're on about most of the time... do you think that matters?

Tony:
Sidney, I think on balance... it helps.

Tony:
Just you and me, sis.

Effy:
F***ing wanker.

Tony:
Eff, what are you talking about?

Effy:
Michelle.

Tony:
I tried.

Effy:
No. Wanker.

Tony:
I said sorry!

Effy:
Wanker.

Tony:
Effy. I liked it better when you didn't talk.

Effy:
[pause] Wanker.