South Park, Season 17

[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait for the bus at the bus stop]

Kyle:
I am so sick of that stupid bitch! Blabbin' pussy little stank! Why do people talk on their phone like that?! I can't even get a minute of piece before that bitch walks in, holding the cell phone out like this, and talking on speaker phone! Nobody wants to hear your goddamned conversations, you little bitch! You're not that important!

Cartman:
[talking to a friend on the phone, via speaker] Yeah, I know dude. I'm tellng you, it was the worst pain in my entire life.

Lawrence:
How many hours were you guys playing?

Cartman:
Like six hours, dude. And my friends were all like "Dude, Cartman, we need you to keep playing defense!"

Kyle:
AAAARGH!

Lawrence:
You were playing football?

Cartman:
Yeah, but I was like "I can't you guys. I twisted my ankle." In the end though, they really needed me to play, so I just played through the pain, you know what I'm sayin'?

Kyle:
That is not what happened! You totally started crying and quit the game!

Cartman:
[covering the phone] Kyle, this is a private conversation.

Kyle:
Then take that shit speaker phone off!

Lawrence:
Is that that same kid?

Cartman:
Yeah, it's that kid Kyle again. He's a total boner, always listening in on my calls.

Kyle:
How do we have a choice?!

Cartman:
Stop listening to my conversation, Kyle! What are you, the NSA?! Lawrence, remember how I was tellin' you the NSA listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our e-mails?

Lawrence:
Yeah, yeah, you said that.

Toby:
My dad says the government keeps a database on everyone.

Cartman:
Who is that? Is that Toby?

Toby:
Yeah.

Cartman:
Dude, Toby, are you over at Lawrence's?

Toby:
Yeah, we're ditching school.

Cartman:
You're what? What, you say?

Lawrence:
Me and Toby are ditching school!

Cartman:
I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA, and gained their trust. So far, I've not ascertained how they were able to keep track of everyone in the country, but I'm close. Very close. I just hope that I'm not found out as a whistleblower before I'm able to expose their entire operation.

Date:
What is that voice?

Alec Baldwin:
Some little faggot in my head.

Stan:
[wakes up as his phone rings and answers it] 'Sup, dude?

Cartman:
Dude, do you know Aaron Hagen?

Stan:
Uh, yeah, the first grader?

Cartman:
You should come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom.

Stan:
What?!

Randy:
[naked and at Stan's door after finding out a parental lock has been put on the TV] Stan. Stan! How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?

Stan:
[barely awake in bed] What?

Randy:
What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?

Stan:
You guys don't need to be watching that stuff.

Randy:
Oh! Come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? Ya-you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it? That's stupid! I'm not going to go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigative Discovery, Stan. I'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person, too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot! Stan? You're a lousy kid! I WISH JAIDEN SMITH WAS MY SON!

Stephen:
Who do our children think they are, blocking our TV content?!

Mrs. Tweak:
How are they able to do this with their smartphones?

Randy:
It's all right. Our kids think they outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company.

Randy:
Nice one, Stotch! Your castle fucking sucks!

Stephen:
Ah, go to hell, you griefer!

Goth Singer:
Goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time!

Michael, Henrietta Biggle:
Death and sadness everywhere, loneliness and degradation!

Goth Singer:
Goin' down to South Park, gonna take my woes with me!

Pete:
Nightmares every night, posers spouting "Let's go shopping!"

Goth Singer:
Heading out to South Park, cause I cannot unwind!

Firkle:
I like spiders, loss and rain, I'm only happy when I'm in pain!

Goth Singer:
So I'm goin' down to South Park... to die!

Harriet:
Henrietta, sweetie.

Henrietta:
Shut up, Mom! Go away!

Harriet:
Ohh, but remember, Daddy wanted to talk to you in the living room, my dark little princess.

Henrietta:
Stop calling me a princess. I'm not a beauty queen in a Disney movie!

Harriet:
We'll be waiting in the living room.

Henrietta:
God, she just never stops!

Mr. Biggle:
Have a seat, Henrietta.

Harriet:
Ooh, a little family chitchat.

Henrietta:
Shut up, Mom.

Mr. Biggle:
Henrietta, as you know, your mother and I have been concerned about your behavior for some time.

Henrietta:
Are we really doing this again?

Mr. Biggle:
We've had a hard time coping with the dark things you're into, but we've finally had some counseling, and apparently we're not the only parents who have a child that is... emo.

Henrietta:
What??

Harriet:
But Daddy and I love our little muffin, even if she's emo or not.

Henrietta:
I'm not a fucking emo! Don't you even know the fucking diff?!

Mr. Biggle:
Do you know how your foul language breaks your mother's heart?

Harriet:
Like calling Mommy, "Demon Jizz."

Mr. Biggle:
So listen, sweetie, we've found a camp.

[Harriet brings out a brochure]

Henrietta:
No.

Mr. Biggle:
A camp which is for troubled kids like you, and you get to work outside and learn about responsibility.

Henrietta:
I'm not going to any fucking camp!

Mr. Biggle:
It's for two weeks, and when you come back we can talk about earning back some of your privileges.

Henrietta:
I won't come back because I'll be fucking dead. I'll walk out of that camp and I'll walk the streets until I probably get picked up and gang-banged by criminals until I'm bleeding out my fucking eyes!!

Harriet:
They have a horseshoe pit where you can challenge the other kids to horseshoes.

Worker:
All right now, you say that you witnessed your friend being abused by her parents.

Michael:
Yes. They called her an emo.

Worker:
What's wrong with that?

Michael:
Emos suck! Their vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes!

Worker:
So, why do you think they called her that?

Michael:
Because she's Goth, and some ignorant people don't know the difference!

Worker:
What is the difference?

Pete:
Oh my God! They're totally different!

Worker:
Okay, different how?

Pete:
They're, you know, one is good and an' emos are horrible! [flips hair] You're, you know... They're posers!

Firkle:
Emos suck my Goth balls.

Michael:
Alright alright, think of it this way: a goth believes that deep down the world is totally fucked up. But an emo thinks that deep down, they are totally fucked up.

Worker:
That's not much of a difference.

Pete:
That's a huge fucking difference!

Michael:
Okay okay, look, emos are more prone to suicide.

Pete:
This fuckin' bitch, man.

Michael:
But goths are more prone to be depressed that so many people commit suicide.

Pete:
Goth's darkness is nihilistic whereas Emos is cynical.

Michael:
Wait, I thought we were cynical. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Pete:
No, see, you're nihilistic.

Michael:
Oh yeah, you're right.

[Pete, Michael and Firkle wait at a bus stop for Henrietta to arrive]

Pete:
What if she comes back, and she's all preppy and conformist?

Michael:
She's only been there two weeks. They can't have changed her that much. Can they have?

[the bus arrives and opens the doors; Henrietta appears]

Firkle:
Oh, my, God.

Henrietta:
Hey guys.

Pete:
What the hell have they done to you?

Henrietta:
What do you mean? They couldn't do anything. They can't fix me. They don't even understand me. [walks away]

Michael:
Oh my God it's worse than we thought! They made her emo!

Michael:
What did they do you you? At that camp?

Henrietta:
What do you mean? Just the usual group therapy crap.

Michael:
Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that place turned you into an emo.

Henrietta:
That's ridiculous. I'm not anything. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not emo, okay?

Michael:
Then why are you listening to Sunny Day Real Estate? I was thinking, maybe they just made you confused at that place. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing. But then I started thinking, maybe that place... turned you emo on purpose. Like maybe they knew what they were doing.

Henrietta:
You should probably stop digging for answers.

Michael:
What?

Henrietta:
There's no winning this for you. Soon the entire world will be emo. It is our time.

Michael:
Nooo waaaaay.

Henrietta:
Nobody understands us. And they won't understand until it is far too late.

Michael:
Oh my god no waaaaaaaaay.

Henrietta:
Do not fight it, Michael. Is being emo really all that different from being goth? [in an evil deep voice] JOIN US!

Michael:
No waaay! No way no waaaaaay!

Ringtone on Pete's phone:
Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and desp-

Pete:
[answers the phone] Hello?

Michael:
It's worse than we thought.

Pete:
What is? Everything?

Michael:
No! I mean Henrietta. I confronted her and she was all like "I am emo! And emos are going to rule the world" and I was like "No waaay!" and she was like "Yeah, soon it will be too late." and I was all "No waaay!"

Pete:
No way.

Michael:
Yeah, so listen. Call up Firkle and meet me at Village Inn. I gotta run home but I'll be there in ten minutes.

[Michael's house; He enters home in a hurry and locks the front door and starts to run up the stairs]

Michael's Mother:
Michael?! Michael!

Michael:
[leans over the rail] Can't now, Mom! I've got an emergency!

Michael's Father:
In the dining room now, Michael, let's go. [Michael enters the dining room with his parents holding hands] Have a seat, son. [Michael takes an opposite seat] Your mom and I have decided you're going to go away for a little while.

Michael:
[shocked] What?

Michael's Father:
[holds up the same brochure Harriet held up two weeks earlier] We've been put in touch with this camp for troubled kids like you and--

Michael:
What the hell are you talking about?!

Michael's Mother:
This place gonna fix you, make you normal child!

[Michael's dad takes him outside and towards the truck]

Michael:
No! You gotta listen to me! You don't know what you're doing! You fucking conformists! [His dad puts him in the truck and starts to back up, he looks across the street and sees Henrietta with her four emo friends, and gasps] They're EVIL!!!!

[Biggle Residence; Henrietta's bedroom]

Henrietta:
[cutting herself on her arm] Are you guys getting into that Fall Out Boy concert?

Emo Girl:
[cutting herself on her arm as well] I can't. I'm too depressed. I keep cutting myself.

Henrietta:
Yeah. I'm cutting myself to hurt this worthless body that I'm in.

Harriet:
[knocks on the door and opens it; holding a plate of cookies] Henrietta, I baked cookies for your new little Emo friends.

Henrietta:
Not now, Mom! Can't you see I'm hurting?! I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment! Sorry I'm not the pretty cheerleader you always wanted!

[Harriet closes the door and goes down to the living room]

Mr. Biggle:
Does she still seem better?

Harriet:
Oh, much better! She didn't call me a bitch, and she actually apologized to me.

Mr. Biggle:
Well, that's more like it.

Pete:
Alright, listen up. Once we find our friend, we've gotta torch the place and get out.

Firkle:
[coughs] Dude, Edgar, can you not smoke in the car?

Poe You can't tell me what to do! Who elected you the mayor of me?!

Pete Cut it out, Edgar! It's annoying everybody!

Poe God, you guys are so lame! And if you want my help, you'd better all stop calling me Edgar.

Black Vamp:
It is your name, isn't it?

Poe:
That's the name my stupid parents gave me! I like to be called by my Goth name: Night Pain.

Everyone:
Oh, God.

Poe:
What? You guys are posers!

Black Vamp:
Hey, just so you all know, if one of you ain't who you say they is, and we get inside that base and you reveal you're actually one of them Emo motherfuckers in disguise, I WILL go crazy on yo' ass!

Poe:
If one of us is a traitor, it's probably your wannabe vampire leader.

Mike:
Oh, fuck off, NightPain.

Poe:
Make me, poser.

Henrietta:
So, my friends. Have you made the transformation?

Pete:
Uh, Henrietta, we have some bad news. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo? They're just plants. From Lowe's Home and Garden.

Michael:
It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show.

Henrietta:
No. There's an organic spore in my head that made me switch cliques so easily.

Michael:
No, you just kind of did it on your own.

Henrietta:
Oh my God. This is so... embarrassing.

Pete:
Ah, hang on. What I meant to say was we just infiltrated the Emo lair and... we torched the plant leader.

Henrietta:
Oh. Oh! I'm, I'm-I'm me again! Oh my God, I'm all better. Thanks you guys.

Harriet:
[enters] Henrietta, I have dinner ready.

Henrietta:
Shut up, Mom! Leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz!

Harriet:
...Fatty. [closes the door]

Kyle:
Hey Ike, how's it going?

Ike:
Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm on my computer!

Kyle:
I just wanted to see if maybe you want to do fingerpaints with me.

Ike:
Do I look like I wanna do fuckin' fingerpaints?! Look at the fuckin' zits on my face!

Kyle:
Ike, I just want us to be friends again.

Ike:
Then stop harassing me, bro! You don't know what it's like to be a baby goin' through puberty! I don't know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go out and tame some strange!

Kyle:
Yeah, let's watch Yo Gabba Gabba, like old times.

Kyle:
Hey, Ike.

Ike:
Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm playing trucks!

Kyle:
Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get us out of school Friday. I can't take you to Yo Gabba Gabba Live.

Ike:
You promised!

Kyle:
I couldn't get in to see the principal, Ike.

Ike:
Well what am I supposed to do, go see it myself?! I'm a little baby! Who's gonna hold my fuckin' hand?! You don't give a shit about how I feel!

Kyle:
Ike, I do! I just-

Ike:
You just love pushing me around! Is that what you wanna do, Kyle?! Kick the baby?! Well alrighty bro! Come on, Kyle! Kick the baby! Come on bro! Kick the fuckin' baby! Let's see you try it, wuss!

Canadian Healthcare Administrator:
It was a mistake.

His wife:
What?

Canadian Healthcare Administrator:
Trying to reform Canada's healthcare system and being too stubborn to admit it wasn't working. Even when my wife said the system was too complicated, I wouldn't listen.

His wife:
Oh, Terry, I was just trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I queefed in your face.

Canadian Healthcare Administrator:
I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining healthcare into an integrated computer system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face.

Kyle:
[enters the living room] Ike?

Ike:
Kyle! It's Dora the Explorer!

Dora:
Come on, let's climb the mountain.

Kyle:
It sure is. Do you want me to watch it with you, Ike?

Ike:
Yay!

[Kyle joins him on the sofa]

Dora:
We made it all the way to the top.

Ike:
Oh man, I wouldn't mind hittin' that. I bet she's got that hot Pureto Rican strange.

Kyle:
Yeah, I bet she does.

Cartman:
I'm pretty sure that this cow can make ginger cheese. Which is like a Swiss cheese but instead of holes it has freckles.

Randy:
Winter's coming, Sharon, and I'm a busy little bee. Buzz! Buzz!

Butters:
Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones.

Cartman:
Ah, yes, paladin Butters. Are you enjoying it?

Butters:
Well, it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost ever time they show a guy's weiner, that guy's character is gay?

Cartman:
What do you mean?

Butters:
Well, it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vaginas and stuff, but most times they show a guy's weiner it's because that guy is in love scenes with another guy. You think it's because gay weiners are less threatening to women viewers?

Cartman:
I believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, paladin Butters.

Butters:
Yeah, I know - winter is going and there's dragons and zombies on the way; I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay weiner is all.

[Butters and Scott visit George R. R. Martin ]

George R. R. Martin:
It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?

Butters:
Uh, no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.

George R. R. Martin:
Oh, they're coming; the dragons are on their way.

Butters:
When?

George R. R. Martin:
You really wanna know?

Butters:
Please, it's urgent!

George R. R. Martin:
All right. King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there is a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And his weiner gently hangs down between his legs, soft and flaccid, his weiner glistens in the golden sunlight...

Butters:
No! No! Can we just skip the weiner stuff and just get to the dragons?

Scott:
[winces painfully] Aw shit, I think I'm... I think I'm gonna faint.

Butters:
Uh, what's the matter, Scott?

Scott:
I told you, I have to eat every two hours.

Butters:
He's diabetic.

George R. R. Martin:
Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas.

Butters:
Oh. Okay, thanks.

George R. R. Martin:
Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in "Game of Thrones".

George R. R. Martin:
...So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big...He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener...

[Martin unzips his pants and demonstrates his story]

George R. R. Martin:
...and he dangles it around for all his men to see.

[Martin shakes his hips and pretends his wiener is a bell]

Scott:
[turns away, disgusted] AAAH!

Butters:
OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!

George R. R. Martin:
Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes...

[Martin shakes his hips around, as if his wiener were a bell and makes sounds for it]

Butters:
But you said they were on their way like three hours ago!

Scott:
If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out.

George R. R. Martin:
Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. Now, Jon Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy.

Scott:
Ehhh...

Cartman:
Did you see Prometheus? I don't even think the writers knew what that was about.

Cartman:
You guys wanna play outside or something?

Kyle:
Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?

Cartman:
I just... I can't get that image of Bill Gates bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.

Stan:
Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, look guys: Xbox won the console wars. What are we gonna do? Not play video games?

Cartman:
The last few weeks we've been too busy to play video games and look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance. I mean, honestly you guys - do we need video games to play?

Butters:
Yeah.

Jimmy:
That's right.

Butters:
That's right.

Jimmy:
Yeah, you kind of make a point.

Cartman:
Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things! Like... like this! [picks up a broken wooden stick] We can play with this! Screw video games, dude; who fucking needs them?

[everybody shouts, "YEAH!"]

Cartman:
Fuck 'em! [holds the stick up to the sun]

Commercial announcer:
The South Park video game. Coming to stores soon!

[an image of the years-in-development real life game, South Park:
The Stick of Truth, appears on screen]

Butters:
[appearing in the lower left-hand corner of the screen] Yeah, and if you believe that, I got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face.

Wendy:
[referring to Butters turning down a fat girl whom asked him out] What the fuck is your problem?!

Butters:
Oh, hey, Wendy!

Wendy:
Are you some kind of asshole? Is that it?

Butters:
Am I just an asshole?

Wendy:
Yeah!

Butters:
[looking himself over] Well, no - I have arms and legs and everything.

Wendy:
Lisa Berger asked you out, and you called her fat?! Do you have any idea how you made her feel?! She's a really nice girl!

[Butters, Kenny, Tweek, Craig and Clyde make fun of Lisa. Cartman does not join their laughter]

Cartman:
You guys, come on. That's not kewl. You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat. You should rip on her 'cause she's ugly. Okay? She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel, and that's why she sucks, alright?