That '70s Show, Season 1

Fez:
I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Jackie:
Michael, who is this guy?

Kelso:
Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.

Jackie:
What did we exchange for him?

Kitty:
A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Fez:
[seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!

Kelso:
Hello Laurie.

Laurie:
Hello Kelso, Hyde.

Fez:
Who is the goddess?

Kelso:
The goddess is Eric's sister.

Hyde:
She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Red:
So, how's your friend Janice?

Laurie:
Pregnant.

Kitty:
Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

Eric:
Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...

Red:
Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

Laurie:
It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Red:
Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?

Kitty:
Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.

Red:
Eric, we're waiting!

Eric:
Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.

Red:
Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]

Red:
Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

Jackie:
I'm waiting.

Hyde:
Just say it and she'll go home.

Eric:
Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]

Jackie:
Thank you!

[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red walks by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]

Kelso:
Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...

[Red walks in]

Kelso:
[loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red:
Kelso, go home.

Ricky:
Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

Eric:
Well, I'm a real people person.

Hyde:
I don't answer stupid questions.

Fez:
I speak Dutch.

Kelso:
My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky:
Where do you see yourself in five years?

Eric:
Fatso Burger.

Fez:
Covered in gold chains.

Kelso:
Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.

Hyde:
Prison.

Eric:
Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.

Kelso:
[quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that's 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...

Hyde:
No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.

Kelso:
True.

Hyde:
Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.

Kelso:
So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that's 224 bucks.

Hyde:
Cash.

Kelso:
Which is...

Kelso and Hyde:
Decent!

[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]

Sleazy Kid:
You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?

Bob:
Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]

Red:
So, a real wisenheimer, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!

Sleazy Kid:
Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.

Bob:
I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.

Red:
Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]

Eric:
Donna, I hate dancing.

Donna:
Why did you go?

Eric:
I like you.

Donna:
So... you're in like with me?

[The guys are smoking in the basement]

Kelso:
I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes [pause] and they're the coolest kicks in the cave.

Fez:
I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.

Hyde:
It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!

Eric:
Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?

Kelso:
Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Jackie:
I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]

Hyde:
Hey Donna, you wanna talk?

Kelso:
I guess she didn't take it well.

Red:
Take what well? [looks at Kelso]

Kelso:
[smiles] Eric made out with Kate.

Red:
Anything else?

Fez:
Your son is a whore!

[Red berates Eric over kissing Kate]

Red:
Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?

Eric:
I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Red:
[slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!

Donna:
[to Jackie and Kelso] Finally! Where have you guys been?

Kelso:
We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.

Eric:
Your shirt's on inside-out.

Kelso:
Yeah, that's the stuff.

Hyde:
The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

Kelso:
I miss Eric.

Jackie:
Well, you still have me.

Kelso:
It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.

Jackie:
OK, well like what?

Kelso:
Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.

Jackie:
MICHAEL!

Kelso:
See, I can't talk to you.

Frank:
Number 10, your order is ready.

Kelso:
Yeah, I'll be right there.

Frank:
Number 10, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.

Kelso:
Al-right! I don't see why you can't just serve us our food Frank! We are paying customers, you know!

Frankie:
Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.

Kelso:
You have both your legs Frank...

Frank:
Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

Eric:
Ah, come on, Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?

Kitty:
So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?

Laurie:
Oh, I like to date around.

Eric:
[coughs] Slut!

Kitty:
Bless you.

Eric:
Thanks, Mom.

[Kelso hitches a ride on a truck.]

Gus:
Well, hello there!

Kelso:
Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?

Gus:
Oh, I'm going... wherever you're going!

Kelso:
Wow, that's lucky!

Gus:
So, did it hurt?

Kelso:
What?

Gus:
When you fell down from heaven!

Kelso:
No, I'm fine!

Fez:
I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]

Eric:
[sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.

Red:
Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.

Eric:
See, when you say it, it just sounds weird

Red:
I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

[Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]

Red:
I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.

Manager:
[cuts off Red] No, no autographs.

Red:
Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.

Manager:
Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.

Rocky Johnson:
You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!

Red:
Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.

Eric:
No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.

Red:
Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.

Eric:
No, it's not.

Red:
Stop kidding around, Red.

Red:
Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.

Eric:
Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.

Red:
Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.

[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]

Jackie:
I can't believe you, Michael.

Kelso:
What?

Jackie:
You can't just maul me in front of my father!

Kelso:
I bet he didn't even notice.

Jackie:
He yelled at you to stop it.

Kelso:
I thought he was yelling at you.

Eric:
I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.

Donna:
I'm sorry.

Eric:
Yeah, me too.

Jackie:
Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.

Eric:
Okay then well, good luck with that.

Donna:
So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?

Eric:
Um, not touch dead people. Ever.

Fez:
Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

Kelso:
Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?

Hyde:
Anyone with a quarter?

Kelso:
NO, ME!

Fez:
Damn, and I had a quarter.

Jackie:
Well, I have a date too.

Kelso:
Who is he? What's his name?

Jackie:
His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.

Kelso:
Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

Fez:
I'm so excited about Star Whores.

Hyde:
Fez man, it's Star Wars.

Fez:
Screw that.

Hyde:
Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.

Eric:
Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.

Kelso:
Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]

Red:
The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.

Bob:
Oh, and hit him with a banjo.

Red:
[exasperated] A banjo, Bob?

Bob:
Yeah.

Red:
Where is he gonna get a banjo?

Bob:
I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!

Red:
Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.

Bob:
You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

Eric:
Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!

Fez:
This is the proudest moment of my life.

Hyde:
It doesn't look like a pot leaf.

Kelso:
What?

Hyde:
It looks like a hand giving the finger.

Kelso:
It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.

Hyde:
Get up and make it better!

Kelso:
Fine!

[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]

Hyde:
Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]

Jackie:
[Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]

Hyde:
Hey, Kelso!

Kelso:
[weakly] Yeah?

Hyde:
How's it look from down there?!

Kelso:
It looks like it's giving me the finger!

Red:
Are you on dope? Are you?

Kitty:
Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization-

Red:
My foot kicking your ass.

Eric:
Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!

[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]

Red:
We don't think that you should go.

Kitty:
New York is a dangerous place.

Red:
A young man today needs a high school diploma.

Kitty:
In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.

Red:
Do you have any idea what the job market is like?

Kitty:
The people are rude. And you have feelings.

Red:
Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.

Kitty:
They spit. That's right, they spit!

Red:
What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?

Hyde:
I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!

Red:
Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

Eric:
I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.

Donna:
Have you talked to Red about this?

Eric:
I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!

[Hyde walks into the basement.]

Hyde:
Forman. Let's go get wasted.

[Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]

Donna:
[exasperated] Great!

Eric:
See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.

Hyde:
[frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.

Red:
Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Red:
Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!

Kitty:
Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

Donna:
So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.

Donna:
Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?

Jackie:
Um, cheerleading camp.

[First lines of the series, in May 1976]

Steven Hyde:
Eric, it is time.

Eric Forman:
Why don't you do it?

Steven Hyde:
It's your house.

Michael Kelso:
Your house!

Steven Hyde:
[points upward] Listen to them up there. The party has reached critical mass. In ten minutes, there will be no more beer opportunities.

Eric Forman:
If my dad catches me copping beers, he'll kill me!

Steven Hyde:
I'm willing to take that risk.

Michael Kelso:
Don't worry about it! Just remain calm, keep moving...

Donna Pinciotti:
And above all, don't get sucked into my dad's hair.

Eric Forman:
What's wrong with your dad's hair?

Donna Pinciotti:
Just don't look at it.

Steven Hyde:
[grabs Eric's face] And Eric: cold. Definitely cold.

[Eric nods. Hyde pats him on the shoulder. Eric begins to run up the stairs. He pauses, looks back down, and continues]

[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red and Kitty walk by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]

Eric:
Hey Kelso, quick question. Why can't you date someone a little less annoying?

Kelso:
Like who?

Eric:
What about Barbara Vanson?

Kelso:
Nah, she's just as annoying as Jackie.

Hyde:
Yeah, but her boobs are huge.

Kelso:
So?

Hyde:
[opens up Playboy] Do you find that annoying?

Kelso:
[laughs] ...Pam Macey! Now she's got some knockers, baby!

Hyde:
True, but they're not bigger than Barbara's.

Kelso:
Yeah they are.

Eric:
You're dreaming. It's like comparing... [Red walks in] Exodus and Deuteronomy, both of which have taught us very valuable lessons.

Red:
Damn dryer's broke. Aw, nuts. I need my vicegrips. [the guys wait until Red leaves]

Kelso:
Have you seen Pam in a tube top? It's like looking into the Grand Tetons. In a tube top!

Hyde:
Look, the issue isn't, "Are Pam's big?" Right. The issue is, "Are they bigger than Barbara's?" Because Barbara's are bigger than... [Kitty walks in] the walls of Jericho, which as we all know came tumbling down, right?! ...Hello, Mrs. Forman.

Kitty:
Hi. Eric, did your father come down here?

Eric:
Yeah, he's fixing the dryer.

Kitty:
Oh, dear. You know, ever since the plant cut back his hours, he's spent all his time fixing things. Things that don't need fixing! Things I need, things I use, things I love. I gotta go hide the crockpot. [the guys wait until Kitty leaves]

Hyde:
Sounds like your dad is losing it.

Kelso:
Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...[Red walks in; loudly]...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red:
Kelso, go home.

Kelso:
Donna beat you in basketball?

Fez:
Is this true, Eric?

Eric:
Yeah. What? Is that a big deal?

Hyde:
Of course not. Unless Donna happens to be...you know...a girl! [chuckles]

Kelso:
Especially a girl you love!

Fez:
You know, in my country, if a woman beats you it makes her want you.

Eric:
Really?

Fez:
Yes. But this is America, wuss.

Kelso:
Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss...

Hyde:
Kelso! KELSO! Would you stop that? ...Wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss!

Eric:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What about Kelso? I mean, Jackie has him totally whipped.

Fez:
Whipped like the family pig.

Kelso:
I am not pig-whipped. Where do you even get that stuff?

[The guys start impersonating Jackie]

Hyde:
Are you kidding? "Michael, call me at 8:00!"

Eric:
"Michael, do your Chico impression!"

Fez:
"Michael, rub oil on my thighs while I spank you!" [The guys stare at Fez and say nothing] ...Please someone else talk now.

Kelso:
I went to the mall today...and I bought a pair of new shoes...and they're the coolest kicks in the cave!

Eric:
So, no more for Kelso. He's toasted!

Fez:
I would like some toast if you're making some. Or food of any kind would be good. I am starving!

Hyde:
Oh! I read somewhere that there are these people in India who fast, man! Yeah. [laughs] And their minds are so advanced, they can actually think themselves to death, man!

Kelso:
Well...I hope I'm not doing that right now. My mind's always doing things that I don't even know about.

Eric:
Man, we always think of so many brilliant things down here! But then later, I can't remember any of them! I mean, they're brilliant, man!

Fez:
...Someone go make toast right now.

Hyde:
Hey, we should record our conversation, man. Yeah! Then we can play it back and write it down! I'll bet that's how the writers at National Lampoon do it!

Kelso:
[laughs] Yeah, well...I read somewhere that there's these people in France!

Hyde:
What do they do?

Kelso:
You see, they're incredibly...French!

Eric:
See, that's brilliant, man! I'm gettin' the tape recorder! [gets up and leaves]

Fez:
Where's my toast, you idiots?!

[The guys argue over who they should call to get them out of jail]

Eric:
I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.

Fez:
I...uh, don't know my phone number.

Hyde:
I can't call Edna, man. It's poker night.

Kelso:
No offense, but isn't every night [nudges Hyde] "poker night" for Edna?

[at the encounter group, when the leader asks people to share their real thoughts]

Kitty:
Laurie, you're mean to your brother and you're screwing around at college. We don't even see you unless you run out of clean clothes or need cash. The fact is, you're an ungrateful, spoiled brat.

Kelso:
Tonight, [sniffles] I learned there's a price to be paid for doing it. She said forever, man. And I think she meant it.

Fez:
The inside of my mouth feels like cotton. As if cotton was in my mouth.

Hyde:
Kelso, man, women are like muffins. Okay? And once you've had a muffin, man, you will put up with anything to have another muffin. And they know that! Now she really owns you, man.

Eric:
Hyde, you sure know a lot about women. But, I mean, you've never really had a steady girlfriend. So, what's that all about?

Hyde:
I'll tell you what that's all about, Forman. My mind is pure, man. I don't fall victim to the female race. I'm here, sans girlfriend, to help you guys out.

Fez:
Then I have a question, Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?

Hyde:
No such thing as too much, Fez.

Eric:
Sorry I was late. We Were at the Hub and then I had to drive everyone home and then Kelso says...

Red:
Bla Bla Bla, You're late. Be responsible for your own actions.

Kelso:
[Very angry] That's Real easy for you to say, pal! [Leaves]

Red:
That kid's on dope.

Eric is approaching his parents bedroom. Music can be faintly heard through their door. He opens it, but freezes in shock to see his parents in the throes of intercourse. We only see Eric's face. He is horrified.

Kitty:
Oh~! Red~!

Red:
Oh, Kitty!

As they continue, Eric quietly closes the door and sheepishly walks away. We see him quickly heading down the stairs where his friends are.

Eric:
(sheepishly) OK, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and lets...go now.

Kelso:
Where's your mom?

Eric:
(grabbing Kelso by the collar, screaming) SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!

Eric is driving his Grandmother home.

Grandma:
You don't like it when I come to visit.

Eric:
Yes I do, I really do.

Grandma:
You're a filthy liar! You didn't learn to lie from my Red; that came from your mother!

Eric:
Well, y'see Grandma, that's the problem right there, okay? Every time you come to my house, you spend the whole day criticizing my mom.

Grandma:
Well, I tell it like it is.

Eric:
Okay Grandma, then here's how it is: you're very nasty! And I- I don't see why you have to be so hateful. I don't think being nice for a whole day would kill you!

As Eric finishes saying this, she promptly leans over onto Eric with her eyes closed.

Eric:
Grandma?

Eric hits the brakes. The momentum throws Grandma off of him and on to the passenger side dashboard. She doesn't move.

Eric:
Grandma?

After a few seconds, Eric realizes she just died.

Eric:
Oh! OH GOD!

Eric quickly opens the driver side door and leaves the car. Cut to commercial.

[Hyde has been helping Eric and Red go through boxes of Grandma's belongings, and has found old photography supplies; Red explains that his father had been an amateur photographer.]

Hyde:
Hey, Forman. Got any naked pictures of your grandma?

Eric:
[shocked and angry] NO!

Hyde:
[laughing maniacally, hands him the box] Well, you do now!!

Eric:
Hyde's mom is gone, and he is going downhill. I mean, he's sitting over there in the dark eating ketchup off crackers.

Kelso:
I ate gum off a parking meter once. But it was on a dare. I made a dollar. Man, there's some suckers out there!

Fez:
Crackers and ketchup are "K" words. Which makes them naturally funny.

Donna:
[laughing] Oh my God! I can feel, like, all the molecules in my body. I'm gonna count them! One, two, three...

Eric:
[playing with View-Master] You guys disgust me. Does anyone care about Hyde? Oh my God, run Scooby! Now, run!

Kelso:
You know what's freaking me out? I saw Jackie sick, without makeup. And it was, like, the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my entire, entire life. Including the class trip to the sausage factory.

Fez:
Ai, if I never see the inside of another cow, it will be too soon! Jerky?

Donna:
Eighteen, nineteen... I have the biggest hands in the world! Damn it! One, two...

Eric:
So his mom's gone, and I know he doesn't want any help. But the Donner party didn't get any help, and then they ate each other so... [to Fez] Hey, don't bogart that jerky.

Kelso:
Yeah, no parents would be cool! Like The Lord of the Flies!

Eric:
Kelso, did you ever finish Lord of the Flies?

Kelso:
No. So?

Eric:
Nothing. Look, what are we gonna do about Hyde? We should tell someone.

Kelso:
What am I gonna do about Jackie? I can't even look at her!

Fez:
She's unpleasant when she's healthy, so I can only imagine how she looks like!

Donna:
Hey, Kelso... Jackie's my friend. [points finger at him] And you're shallow... [looks at finger] and pathetic. And you know what else? [shows hands] My hands are huge! They're like boxing gloves. [impersonating Muhammad Ali] I am the Greatest!

Eric:
Okay, champ. Whatever you—[Donna punches Eric]