The Bill Engvall Show, Season One

Bill Pearson:
Starting Quarterback? Why didn't he call me at the office and tell me?

Susan Pearson:
Oh, you know Trent. He's not one to get excited about... well, anything. Even I had to hear about it from Tiffy.

Bill:
Who's Tiffy?

Susan:
Oh, some pixie-sounding cheerleader who called me "Ma'am." I am twenty years away from being called "Ma'am"!

Bill:
(shrugs) Yes, Ma'am. (Susan tries to strangle him)

Lauren Pearson:
Oh my God! Are we this family now- all about the quarterback?!

Susan:
Lauren, can't you just be happy for your brother?

Trent Pearson:
(grins) No, no, we can talk about something else-like how Lauren wants to get her belly button pierced.

Bryan Pearson:
Why would you wanna do that? The skin membrane is meant to protect us.

Bill:
(chuckles) Yeah- you are not getting your belly button pierced, young lady.

Lauren:
Why? How is a navel piercing any different than an ear piercing?

Bill:
Because when you wear earrings, boys look up here! (points to his face)

Lauren:
How 'bout if I pierce my tongue? Then, no one will know I have it if I don't open my mouth.

Trent:
Oh, I'm for that!

Susan:
Lauren, if we knew you wanted metal in your mouth, then we wouldn't have had your braces taken out!

Bill:
You know, that is a great point, honey! I see these kids at the mall, they look like they ran into a nail gun! I mean, when did shrapnel become a fashion accessory?

Lauren:
Mom-

Susan:
Don't look at me- I am trying to figure out what your father was doing at the mall.

Bill:
All right, all right, all right! You want to argue about this? Then let's argue naked.

Susan:
(turns around, stares at him incredulously)...What?

Bill:
Bob says it cuts down on the arguing time.

Susan:
Bob is a pervert.

Bill:
I know that! But I think it's worth a shot. (raises an eyebrow at her)

Susan:
(pause) Fine- okay, sure. Anything to move it along. (She heads upstairs with Bill following. Cut to both of them in the bedroom, obscured but naked)

Susan:
(as Bill grins at her) So... you're going.

Bill:
(still grinning) No I'm not.

Susan:
Yes you are. Blue shirt, blazer, khakis. Chop-chop.

Bill:
Nope! I'm standing firm. (Susan glances down)

Susan:
Yeah... not bad for forty-five. Blue shirt. (there is a knock at the door; Susan hastily stands behind Bill, who holds a pillow in front of himself as Lauren comes in)

Lauren:
Hey, Mo-Auggggh! (hastily turns around and slams the door behind her)

Susan:
...Daddy and I were just... arguing!

Lauren:
(through the door) We haven't even had dinner yet!

Susan:
You don't think you should do something to smooth things over with Mr. Pratt?

Bill:
No! Guys don't hold grudges. We say our piece, and move on.

Susan:
(sarcastically) Guys... keepin' the world mellow.

Bill:
(jumps as Priscilla slithers across the kitchen floor) SNAKE, SNAKE!! (upstairs, Lauren and Bryan jump) BRYAN, GET DOWN HERE! (Bryan and Lauren rush downstairs) Where is your snake?

Bryan:
In it's terrarium. I caught it just like you said to. Right, Lauren?

Lauren:
Sure, why not?

Bill:
... 'Cause I thought I saw something.

Bryan:
Maybe you're getting a migraine. Those can be proceeded by hallucinations. [Bill and Susan give each other incredulous looks] Good night, Dad. (Bill pats him on the head as he goes upstairs)

Susan:
Did Trent work on his paper at all?

Lauren:
He claims he finished it.

Susan:
(to Bill) You planning to read it over before he hands it in?

Bill:
If he wants me to. (Susan gives him a look) And, if he doesn't want me to. (starts heading for the stairs)

Susan:
He needs an "A" on it.

Bill:
I know.

Susan:
Make sure it makes sense.

Bill:
Okay.

Susan:
Don't let him manipulate you.

Bill:
(sarcastically) All ri-i-ight! (goes upstairs, Lauren joins her mother in eating leftover pastries)

Lauren:
Why did you guys...choose to have other children after me?

Susan:
(smiles) 'Cause we were young, and... stupid.

Trent:
(staring at Priscilla) Hey, Bryan? Those python eggs you're selling...

Bryan:
Yeah?

Trent:
Where do you keep 'em?

Bryan:
Where do you think?

Trent:
The refrigerator? I dunno- that's why I'm asking.

Bryan:
Well, Priscilla hasn't opened her ovipositor and squeezed them out yet.

Trent:
I dunno, bro. Your snake doesn't look any different than it ever looked.

Bryan:
Hmmm...

Trent:
Hey! Hey, maybe we can hold her up and squeeze her like a tube of toothpaste- (demonstrates with a hockey stick)

Bryan:
No!

Trent:
Or-or we could get the vacuum cleaner-

Bryan:
I'm gonna get Jeremy to come by for a second opinion!

Trent:
Basketball pump-

Bryan:
Trent! (holds up his hand, gestures) ...sleep.(Trent walks away)

Bill:
We... You know, it's not easy, being the dad of a teenage girl these days.(Lauren ignores him) Look, I know you're mad at me-

Lauren:
Yeah! Right again, Dad. (Bill sighs, then holds up her old stuffed rabbit)

Bill:
(talking in the rabbit's voice) "Hello, Hello!" (Lauren glances up, then rolls her eyes)

Lauren:
Dad-

Bill:
"Don't be mad- be glad!" (Lauren fights back a smile)

Lauren:
Come on.

Bill:
You remember when I used to do that, and you'd laugh and laugh? One time you fell down and cut your knee, and you had to have stitches? "Puffy Bunny cheered you right up!"

Lauren:
(curtly) I was four, Dad. (Bill nods and comes closer)

Bill:
...That was thirteen short years ago. (sits in a chair opposite her) Look, honey- maybe I overreacted with Casey, and for that I am sorry- but I was just trying to protect you.

Lauren:
I'm not upset that you were trying to protect me- that's what you're supposed to do. But, you just made a judgement based on someone's looks.

Bill:
I- I know. But, I also know that cute can cover a multitude of flaws.

Lauren:
... I'm going to meet boys, Dad. And, before you scare them off, how 'bout you give me the benefit of the doubt- that maybe I have some sense, some good judgement? Because you taught me that. Because you're a good dad. (Bill looks away bashfully)

Bill:
...Wow. You really make it impossible to argue with that! (holds up Puffy Bunny to himself) "Hear that? You are a good dad!" (smiles at Lauren)

Lauren:
(smiles briefly) If you don't mind, I'd like to sit out here and be mad at you a little longer.

Bill:
(nods) Okay. (gets up, kisses her forehead) I love you.

Lauren:
I love you too. (Bill starts to go inside) Can you leave Puffy Bunny?

Bill:
Yeah, sure. (gives her Puffy Bunny, pauses, then takes his coat off and puts it around her shoulders) It's startin' to get a little cool out here.