The Inbetweeners, Series 3

Will:
Riding around in Jay's car made me feel like royalty. Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like was Princess Diana.

Will:
I'm still exercising my right to protest (about the fashion show)

Mr Gilbert:
Good. Just make sure it's not a dirty protest, like the last one.

Will's Mum:
Have fun, and if anyone offers you any D-R-U-G-S, be careful.

Will:
What?!?

Will's Mum:
I overheard you. It's ok, petal. I know boys will be boys, but I can trust *you* to do the responsible thing. I'm very lucky to have you, because you're so boring.

Will:
Boring?

Will's Mum:
Well, not boring, just scared of things.

Will:
Scared??

Will's Mum:
Sensible. That's the word I'm looking for, sensible. You're very sensible so I don't have to worry about you as much....because you're so scared.

Jay:
Sort me out, geeza.

Dealer:
What?

Jay:
Please...sort me out, geeza? I've got twenty quid.

Dealer:
So? What do you want from me?

Jay:
You know, gear?! Sweet Mary Jane. Ganja, man.

Dealer:
Oh, so you want to buy drugs! And you came to me. Why?

Neil:
Well, because we saw you-

Dealer:
Because I'm black? You saw a black guy at a gig and thought 'he must be a drug dealer'?

Jay:
No, we didn't...

Dealer:
You f*cking white boys are all the same, you know that? Scratch beneath the surface just a little bit and you're RACIST. Yeah, that's right, I said it - racist.

*silence*:

Neil:
But...have you got any drugs?

Dealer:
Yes, I have, but that's not the point. The point is you *assumed* I had some just because I'm black.

Jay:
Could we buy some please?

Dealer:
Why should I deal to you? Why should I deal to two little suburban racists who see me as some kind of stereotype? I'm at university!

Neil:
But you are a drug dealer as well, yeah?

Dealer:
Yes, I do deal, but you keep missing the point!

Jay:
Look, here's thirty quid, could we just have some puff?

Dealer:
Yes, you can. But only because I'm a dealer. NOT because I'm black.

Will:
Can somebody call me an ambulance? Because I'm in trouble. Time is moving really, really slowly, and everything is flat. I need you to call me an ambulance, or failing that, my mummy. I really want my mummy because, and I'm not being dramatic, but I think I might be dead. Is that clear? Mummy or ambulance.

Simon:
(to Will) You've only kissed three girls. Your type is 'anyone who'll let you'.

Will:
(questioning Jay's claims about a cleaner who gave him a blow job): Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter?

Will:
It wouldn't be right

Simon:
She's offering to put Your penis in Her mouth,not paying You to lie in Parliament

Tara:
What's up, Kezza?

Kerry:
*sobbing* He dumped me!

Will:
No, I couldn't have, 'cause we were never going out!

Kerry:
*sobbing* He used me, and then he dumped me because I'm so big!

Tara:
Will, I don't know how you can do this, especially after everything Kerry's been through!

Will:
It hasn't been an easy ride for me either! Trying to stay out of her clutches!

Tara:
Her dad died last month!

*silence*

Will:
Well, that's awful. Obviously. But not-

Tara:
What?

Will:
Well it's not...it's not relevant, is it?

Will:
If you want the truth, Kerry gives out blowjobs like they're going out of fashion and, by all accounts, I'm one of the only ones to have turned her down

Kerry:
I'll give you a blowjob.

Will:
I'm sure you will.

Neil:
Have you had that blowjob, yet?

Will:
Yes, Neil, I've had one on the escalator and one in Nandos.

Neil:
Really?

Jay:
Well when I fingered her, she shit down my arm.

Neil:
This has been the best night of my life.

Simon:
I'm gonna f*** your f***in fanny off you twat!

Simon:
My penis is hard for you.

Jay:
C'mon Iv'e got enough young meat for the both of ya

Jay:
(pretending to be Simon) Oh look at me I've got a girlfriend and I love going round hers and listining to her shit music and laughing at her shit jokes and pretending she is fit when she isn't.

Simon:
Who isn't that fit?

Jay:
Your mum.

Mr. Gilbert:
(to Will, in his office): You've got until Monday to find out (who vandalised the roundabout flower display), or it's 'Goodbye, first-rate education, hello, the University of Lincoln'.

Jay:
(commenting on Will's house rules) God, it's like staying at the Ritz!

Will:
Famous of course for its 'no chucking drinks or toast' policy.

Jay:
Ah,yes,Will's mum's vibrator!

Will:
That's a rolling pin.

Jay:
It's still got that lovely smell.

Will:
It's a rolling pin.

Will:
(after witnessing his garden's daffodils being destroyed by the other boys):What are you going to do next? Tag up my bedroom?! Piss through my letterbox?!

Neil:
Can we?

Will:
No! Right! We're going out again! Come on!

Will:
Okay, I'd assumed it was a given, but I'll make this clear just in case: No one is to shit in my back garden!!!

Simon:
(to his parents): Brilliant(!) You've effectively ended my life. Why not go the whole hog and just shoot me? Or better still, why don't you take me to the vets and have me secretly put down, just like you did with Patch?!

Neil:
What is Swansea, is it an animal?

Gilbert:
Teachers don't start each day by swearing alliegance to the Education Fairies under a portrait of The Queen. It's not so much a calling as a graveyard for the unlucky and the unambitious. Between you and me, the only reason anyone teaches these days is that they've taken a more relaxed stance on police checks in recent years.

Will:
They say the art of teaching is aiding discovery. And Mr. Gilbert had helped me discover that he was a wanker.

Jay:
I knocked out a cow in the countryside once, one punch to the face.

Will:
Hmmm, course you did.

Jay:
But then its mate saw what was going on and I had to scarper from a whole group of them. Managed to get off the gate, but then they stood up on their hind legs and started firing milk at me from their tits!

Will:
Udders.

Jay:
Yeah, there were loads of them!

Neil:
What's an itinerary?

Simon:
It's Will's way of taking the fun out of everything.

Will:
(after discovering Jay has brought some condoms) We're camping by a lake near a river. What are you hoping to pull, a fish or an owl?

Jay:
Look, all those country birds love a bit of big city cock.

Will:
You're not from the big city!

Jay:
Anywhere with a train station and a Morrisons counts as a city to them!

Will:
(narrating): So Simon's shitty yellow Fiat was gone forever. On the bright side, at least Jay didn't beat me at Monopoly.

Neil:
(after reading his text from 'Saucy Asda Karen'): I got an STD! Yes,an STD! Whoo!

Simon:
How was the trench?

Will:
I had to wipe my arse with leaves. And I think there were some ants in there, so I now literally have ants in my pants. And soil, and some earwigs. (boys laugh)

(the three discover Jay has had one of his ears pierced)

Simon:
Hang on a minute, have you had your left ear pierced?

Jay:
Yes.

Simon:
Isn't that the ear you get pierced to say you're gay?

(Neil laughs)

Jay:
Well, there's a quick way to find out, Neil, which ear's your Dad got pierced?

Neil:
Neither, cos he's not bent!

Simon:
Of course not. Will, which ear's the gay one?

Will:
Oh, I'm the last person to ask.

Neil:
I thought you knew everything?

Will:
Well, I don't know any boys who've had their ears pierced... because I went to a private school.

Simon's Dad:
Is that David Beckham?

Simon:
(who had been practicing catwalking in the conservatory) You spying on me?! Is that it?! Is that how you get your kicks?!

Simon's Dad:
You look good.

Simon:
Fuck off! I'm going out.

Simon's Mom:
Your not going out now you've got school tomorrow.

Simon's Dad:
Yeah, run away at the weekend when you've got your car back.

Simon:
Well, I'm not spending another minute in this house with you UTTER TWATS!!!

Simon's Dad:
Where you going, Paris or Milan?

Simon:
FUCK OFF!

Mr Gilbert:
I suppose you thought that was funny.

Simon:
Sir, no, honest.

Mr Gilbert:
Well, there's nothing funny about testicles, Cooper. As you'll discover tomorrow morning in my office.

Will:
(Perturbed) Sorry, sir, that sounded a bit wrong.

Mr Gilbert:
No it didn't. See you tomorrow.

Mr Gilbert:
(leading Mr "Paedo" Kennedy away from Neil)(whispering) I'm putting my fucking neck on the line for you, John!

Jay:
I've had a toke with Mark untold times! I used to sort him out with Rizla and ting!

Will:
Oh, so you're a newsagent as well as a liar?

Mr Cooper:
You lot seem awfully quiet tonight.

Simon:
Yeah, well, it's better than listening to non-stop bullshit!

Mr Cooper:
What's that on your head, Simon?

Simon:
(Sarcastically) Oh, I dunno, Dad! Oh yeah, it's a hat?! God!

Mr Cooper:
Looks bloody stupid.

Will:
We tried to tell him.

Mr Cooper:
You look like a butcher.

Simon:
Pete Doherty wears them actually!

Mr Cooper:
Pete Doherty's butcher wears them.

Simon:
Oh, sorry, I forgot you're a comedian as well as a cab driver!

Mr Cooper:
OI! Why are you wearing that anyway?

Neil:
He's meeting a bird.

Mr Cooper:
KNEW IT! You've got that look in your eye. He gets it when he's watching The X Factor.

Jay:
What, when he sees Louis Walsh?

Mr Cooper:
No, thankfully Cheryl Cole. If his mom walks in he has to pop a pillow over his lap.

Jay:
Oi, Neil, hear about Boy? He was messing about up the rec, got his head wedged in a bottle bank. When they found him the next morning, he'd been arse raped eighteen times.

Neil:
Oh, mate, that's grim!

Will:
I have a few questions.

Jay:
Like what?

Will:
Well, firstly, what was he doing with his head wedged in a bottle bank?

Jay:
Looking for bottles, you mug.

Will:
OK. Secondly, the first 18 people to find him happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists?

Jay:
Obviously...oi, Neil, where was ya Dad last night?

Neil:
Badminton, why?

Jay:
(suspiciously) 'Course he was.

Will:
And finally, after what was, at best, a humiliating experience, would he, as the victim, tell anyone - let alone YOU - about it?!

Jay:
I used to sit next to him in woodwork.

Jay:
Yeah, I got a blowjob when I was eleven off the cleaner.

Will:
Who was your cleaner, Gary Glitter?

Neil:
Was it good?

Jay:
Yeah, amazing. I pissed right in her mouth.

Simon:
What? Why would you do that?

Jay:
That's how you finish blowjobs!

Will:
Christ.

Jay:
And she said I was the best she'd ever had!

Simon:
Through mouthfuls of piss.

Will:
Before she had to get on with the hoovering.

Jay:
I dunno what your problem is, I've never been out with a girl I liked anyway.

Will:
Except for the last one, who made you cry.

Simon:
Will!

Neil:
Oh, mate, that is well out of order.

Will:
(Incredulously) What?! After all he's said to us?!

Simon:
Yeah, well some things just aren't okay. (To Jay) You alright, mate?

Jay:
(Looking at the floor) Yeah, I'm fine.

Simon:
(To Will, sternly) Apologise.

Jay:
Oh mate, you've gotta have a plan. One mate I knew, he didn't have a plan and went in too quick, broke his knob in half!

Tara's Sister:
I don't like the idea of you having sex at all, but at least I know you're doing it somewhere comfortable.

Simon:
Oh, of course, only in her vagina.

Tara's Sister:
I meant in my room.

Simon:
...So did I?

Jay:
Why'd you say vagina then?

[Will is in Mr. Gilbert's office.]

Mr. Gilbert:
As I'm sure you're aware, there's been a spate of vandalism recently, culminating in someone adapting the flower display by main road that it now reads [looks at paper on desk] "we cum tit village".

Neil:
How long you had the dog now, Jay?

Jay:
Eight years.

Neil:
And has he always watched you tug one off?

Jay:
No! I wasn't wanking when I was 10, was I?!

Neil:
I thought you got laid when you was nine? With that fit babysitter?

Jay:
...Erm...yeah, and that's WHY I wasn't wanking so much.

Will:
(after a squirrel refuses to dodge Jay's car) You've just lost a game of chicken with a rodent!

Neil:
Oh, that's so funny! He's mugging you off, mate!

Jay:
Right, we'll see about that!

Neil:
Oh, why did you do that for?!

Jay:
That'll show him! Fucking little piss taker.

Will:
I don't think he was trying to take the piss, Jay!

Neil:
Let's go get a spade, we'll bury it.

Jay:
Nah, fuck him!

Jay:
(Mournfully) His eyes look sad.

Will:
(Narration) So in Neil and Jay's course of destruction, the death toll stood at ten destroyed daffodils and one piss-taking squirrel.

Will:
(kicks the door into Mrs. Springett’s face) Fucking Mrs. Springett!

Simon:
(about the dinner lady) That stupid ugly bitch just ruined it for me with Carli!!

Jay:
Why, has she been controlling your personality for the last eighteen years?

The Trip to Warwick [3.4]:
silence*