The Newsroom, Season 1

Will:
Sharon, the NEA is a loser. Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he gets to hit you with it any time he wants. It doesn't cost money, it costs votes; it costs airtime, column inches. You know why people don't like liberals? Because they lose. If liberals are so f***ing smart, how come they lose so goddamn always?

Sharon:
Hey-!

Will:
[without letting her finish, he directs his attention to Lewis] And with a straight face, you're gonna tell students that America's so star-spangled awesome, that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom, Japan has freedom, the UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Belgium has freedom. [laughs] So 207 sovereign states in the world, like a hundred and eighty of them have freedom.

Moderator:
Alright-

Will:
And yeah, you, sorority girl. Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there's some things you should know, and one of them is, there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force, and number 4 in exports. We lead the world in only 3 categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined. 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20 year old college student. But you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst. generation. ever. So when you ask, "what makes us the greatest country in the world?" I dunno know what the f*** you're talking about. Yosemite? [Pause] We sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons. We passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors. We put our money where our mouths were. And we never beat our chest. We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, acted like men. We aspired to intelligence, we didn't belittle it, it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in our last election. And we didn't... we didn't scare so easy. We were able to be all these things, and to do all these things, because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore. [Pause, then to the moderator] Enough?

Will:
Yeah, I get that there are moments, small moments, infrequent moments, where I'm not the easiest guy to work with, but who the hell is?

Charlie:
I am.

Will:
Well, it helps that you're drunk most of the time.

Charlie:
It certainly does. Do me a favor-

Will:
This is more than unprofessional, it's uncivilized. But more than that, it's unprofessional.

Charlie:
Just do me a favor, okay?

Will:
Sure.

Charlie:
Try not to make a scene-

Will:
[yelling at Elliot through a glass conference room door] Hey, dickless! (Don and Elliot both look up) [to Don] Not you. You're in a minute.

Charlie:
[shouting] I'm a marine, Don! I will beat the shit out of you, I don't care HOW MANY protein bars you eat!

Will:
What does winning look like to you?

Mac:
Reclaiming the fourth estate. Reclaiming journalism as an honorable profession. A nightly newscast that informs a debate worthy of a great nation. Civility, respect, and a return to what's important; the death of bitchiness; the death of gossip and voyeurism; speaking truth to stupid. No demographic sweet spot; a place where we all come together.

Mac:
Now I'd like you to listen to these words which were written 500 years ago by Don Miguel de Cervantes: "Hear me now, O thou bleak and unbearable world. Thou art base and debauched as can be. But a knight with his banners all bravely unfurled now hurls down his gauntlet to thee!" That was Don Quixote.

Will:
Those words were written 45 years ago by the lyricist for "Man of La Mancha."

Mac:
Didn't think you'd know that, but the point's still the same-- it's time for Don Quixote!

Will:
You think I'm him?

Mac:
No, I think I'm him. You're his horse.

Will:
He rode a donkey.

Mac:
Well, I can't help you there.

Charlie:
For a long time now, I badly wanted to watch the news on my TV at night. Then it occurred to me-- I run a news division.

Will:
She's indifferent to ratings, competition, corporate concerns, and, generally speaking, consequences.

Charlie:
Good, 'cause you just described my job. I'm Don Quixote, you can be Sancho, she'll be Dulcinea, and everyone out there is the horse.

Will:
Donkey. How did you know about that conversation?

Charlie:
I know everything. Anchors having an opinion isn't a new phenomenon. Murrow had one and that was the end of McCarthy. Cronkite had one and that was the end of Vietnam.

Will:
I'm not those guys.

Charlie:
I'm betting all my money on you're wrong. You know what, kiddo? In the old days of about 10 minutes ago, we did the news well. You know how? We just decided to.

Will:
"We aspired to intelligence. We didn't belittle it. It didn't make us feel inferior."

MacKenzie:
"Reclaiming the Fourth Estate. Reclaiming journalism as an honorable profession. A nightly newscast that informs a debate worthy of a great nation. Civility, respect, and a return to what's important. The death of bitchiness, the death of gossip and voyeurism." ..... Speaking truth to stupid.

MacKenzie:
"And where does it say that a good news show can't be popular?

Will:
"Yes, people choose the news they want now, but-- People choose the facts they want now"

MacKenzie:
"That America ... has said over and over and over that we can do better. It's part of our DNA. .... People will want the news if you give it to them with integrity. Not everybody, not even a lot of people --- 5%. And 5% more of anything is what makes the difference in this country. So we can do better.

Mackenzie:
What's the difference between a corporation and a person?

Sloan:
Have you ever held a door open for someone?

Mackenzie:
Yes.

Sloan:
Did you ask them for money first?

Mackenzie:
No.

Sloan:
That's the difference.

Will:
They're very young out there.

Mac:
I know. But what they lack in experience, they make up for in inexperience.

Will:
Mac-

Mac:
It's an asset. They don't know how to do the news badly yet.

Will:
Or really at all.

Mackenzie:
[Realizing she just sent a mass e-mail to the staff, with details of her infidelity during a relationship with Will] No... No, no... No, no, no, no, no, no I need everyone's attention, right now [Gary Cooper receives the e-mail on his Blackberry, which Mackenzie snatches from his hand, throws to the floor, crushes beneath her heel, and upon which she pours another employee's tea.]

Gary:
That was unusual.

Mackenzie:
[frantically] I need everyone to delete the staff e-mail, right now, without reading it. Then I need someone to sneak into Will's office and delete the e-mail from his inbox. If it's password protected, I need someone to, ummm, TAKE A BASEBALL BAT AND SMASH-- [Will enters with a blank expression on his face] I thought you said he was at a thing uptown.

Jim:
I guess he came back.

Will:
We stood in my office this morning...

Mackenzie:
Will...

Will:
...and I said under no circumstances did I want anyone to know what happened, and you said yes, and yes again. I mean it really, it really seemed like you understood. Then, you sent an e-mail, explaining in some detail, what happened and then you copied 47 reporters on it.

Mackenzie:
Will...

Will:
You know how sometimes something happens in an instant that's so astonishing you just... shut down?

Mackenzie:
Of course, that's understa-

Will:
THAT DOESN'T! FUCKING! HAPPEN! TO ME!

Mackenzie:
: We need privacy.

Will:
[Sarcastically] REALLY?!

Mackenzie:
We're going to go into Will's office, I want everyone to delete the e-mail-

Martin:
Mack, I think I just accidentally forwarded it to corporate.

Will:
[Will angrily charges at Martin and is blocked by Mackenzie and Maggie] WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!

Mackenzie:
[Frantically] I was trying to send an e-mail to you, but instead I sent it to Sloan and then 'Sloan' became 'Staff' and I either did or didn't type the asterisk.

Will:
Why were you sending it at all?

Mackenzie:
Because-... and here's where I'm on firmer ground. Sloan thought that you cheated on me and that you were an ass! [To the staff] Which is not true! I'm changing minds, Will!

Will:
[Points angrily to his office] GET IN THERE!

Mackenzie:
Sure.

Jim:
First, you go into iNews and you look over the questions the segment producer put in the rundown. Identify yourself and your news agency, summarize the segment-- the length, whether it's live or not, and who we're having on from the other side.

Maggie:
I'm sorry, but don't I first open my eyes and notice it's a new day?

Jim:
What are we talking about here?

Maggie:
I've done this before.

Jim:
Okay.

Maggie:
What is this magic box in front of me?

Jim:
Have I done something to you?

Maggie:
I swear I was just thinking the exact same thing. I have no idea why I'm being mean to you.

Jim:
Now that you know that, do you think you'll stop?

Maggie:
That's the thing-- it doesn't feel like it. I'm just being honest.

Jim:
I can't ask for more than that, except rational thought.

Maggie:
How come no one's yelling at me?

Jim:
You know how bad you screwed up, right?

Maggie:
Yes.

Jim:
Is there anyone who feels worse than you do?

Maggie:
No.

Jim:
Then I doubt it'll ever happen again.

Will:
Good evening. I'm Will McAvoy. This is News Night, and that was a clip of Richard Clarke, former counterterrorism chief to President George W. Bush, testifying before Congress on March 24, 2004. Americans liked that moment. I liked that moment. Adults should hold themselves accountable for failure. And so tonight I'm beginning this newscast by joining Mr. Clarke in apologizing to the American people for our failure. The failure of this program during the time I've been in charge of it to successfully inform and educate the American electorate. Let me be clear that I don't apologize on behalf of all broadcast journalists, nor do all broadcast journalists owe an apology. I speak for myself. I was an accomplice to a slow and repeated and unacknowledged and unamended train wreck of failures that have brought us to now. I'm a leader in an industry that miscalled election results, hyped up terror scares, ginned up controversy, and failed to report on tectonic shifts in our country. From the collapse of the financial system to the truths about how strong we are to the dangers we actually face. I'm a leader in an industry that misdirected your attention with the dexterity of Harry Houdini while sending hundreds of thousands of our bravest young men and women off to war without due diligence. The reason we failed isn't a mystery. We took a dive for the ratings. In the infancy of mass communications, the Columbus and Magellan of broadcast journalism, William Paley and David Sarnoff, went down to Washington to cut a deal with Congress. Congress would allow the fledgling networks free use of taxpayer-owned airwaves in exchange for one public service. That public service would be one hour of air time set aside every night for informational broadcasting, or what we now call the evening news. Congress, unable to anticipate the enormous capacity television would have to deliver consumers to advertisers, failed to include in its deal the one requirement that would have changed our national discourse immeasurably for the better. Congress forgot to add that under no circumstances could there be paid advertising during informational broadcasting. They forgot to say that taxpayers will give you the airwaves for free and for 23 hours a day you should make a profit, but for one hour a night you work for us. And now those network newscasts, anchored through history by honest-to-God newsmen with names like Murrow and Reasoner and Huntley and Brinkley and Buckley and Cronkite and Rather and Russert-- Now they have to compete with the likes of me. A cable anchor who's in the exact same business as the producers of Jersey Shore. And that business was good to us, but News Night is quitting that business right now. It might come as a surprise to you that some of history's greatest American journalists are working right now, exceptional minds with years of experience and an unshakeable devotion to reporting the news. But these voices are a small minority now and they don't stand a chance against the circus when the circus comes to town. They're overmatched. I'm quitting the circus and switching teams. I'm going with the guys who are getting creamed. I'm moved that they still think they can win and I hope they can teach me a thing or two. From this moment on, we'll be deciding what goes on our air and how it's presented to you based on the simple truth that nothing is more important to a democracy than a well-informed electorate. We'll endeavor to put information in a broader context because we know that very little news is born at the moment it comes across our wire. We'll be the champion of facts and the mortal enemy of innuendo, speculation, hyperbole, and nonsense. We're not waiters in a restaurant serving you the stories you asked for just the way you like them prepared. Nor are we computers dispensing only the facts because news is only useful in the context of humanity. I'll make no effort to subdue my personal opinions. I will make every effort to expose you to informed opinions that are different from my own. You may ask who are we to make these decisions. We are Mackenzie McHale and myself. Miss McHale is our executive producer. She marshals the resources of over 100 reporters, producers, analysts, technicians, and her credentials are readily available. I'm News Night's managing editor and make the final decision on everything seen and heard on this program. Who are we to make these decisions? We're the media elite. We'll be back after this with the news.

Mac:
You're going on a date with a cheerleader?

Will:
Not a high school cheerleader, a professional cheerleader.

Mac:
That doesn't make it better!

Will:
Can I help you?

Mac:
She's a student!

Will:
A graduate student.

Mac:
In philosophy?

Will:
Physical therapy.

Mac:
There are better ways to get back at me.

Will:
I'll put up a suggestion box.

Mac:
Can I warn you about something? You're a rich and famous person, and for that reason only, she may want to sleep with you.

Will:
That didn't sound like something that should come with a warning, that sounded like something that should come with balloons.

Mac:
... I loathe you right now.

Will:
You have ink on your face.

Mac:
I WORK WITH PENS!

Mackenzie:
[After meeting Will's second date for the first time] Spinning instructor?

Will:
Chief of neurology at Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital. That would make her a brain surgeon...literally, a brain surgeon.

Mackenzie:
[Pauses] That's not hard to be.

Charlie:
Does anyone mind if I start drinking a lot of bourbon right now and a little later, put my fist through his head?

Reese:
I think you've had enough bourbon for one lifetime!

Charlie:
Not for my lifetime.

Brad:
Ms. Lansing, I think the best analogy I can use is Rocky II.

Reese:
[Incredulously] Are you sure the best analogy you can use is Rocky II?

Brad:
Ms. Lansing, Rocky was a lefty-

Reese:
Rocky was... Political?

Brad:
Rocky was left-handed and for his re-match with Apollo Creed, Burgess Meredith had him train as a righty. Rocky goes round after round with Apollo Creed as a righty until Burgess Meredith shouts 'Now' and Rocky swings with his left.

Reese:
[Frustrated, confused] What the f*** are you talking about?

Brad:
Ms. Lansing, all I'm saying is that Mackenzie MacHale shouted 'Now' and Will started swinging away.

Charlie:
[Laughingly] Reese! Please, leave Mac out of this, I'm Burgess Meredith I shouted 'Now' [drunkenly slurs an imitation of 'Mickey' from Rocky II] This guy, he don't just wanna beat-cha, he wants to murder ya! [Normal tone] That was my best Burgess Meredith impression.

Reese:
[Angrily] Is there something funny about all this?

Charlie:
Yeah! We've been talking about Rocky II!

Charlie:
We did the news.

Leona:
For the left.

Charlie:
For the center.

Leona:
Are you f***ing out of your mind-?!

Charlie:
For the center, Leona! Facts... are the center. Facts. We don't pretend that certain facts are in dispute to give the appearance of fairness to people who don't believe them. Balance is irrelevant to me. It has nothing to do with the truth, logic, or reality. He didn't go on the air telling people to give peace a chance, but evolution? The jury's back on that one.

Nina:
Now you seem lonely and broken to me.

Will:
I do?

Nina:
But don't worry I can fix you.

Will:
Well, if there's one thing a man likes it's a woman who tries to fix him.

Will:
I was rejecting a pass from her while trying to talk her out of what they call at TMI a 'take-down piece' of one of the desperate housewives of New Jersey.

Charlie:
Real Housewives.

Will:
Who gives a shit.

Charlie:
Definitely not me.

Will:
And the tuxedo's off the rack.

Charlie:
Did you grope her?

Will:
No! I-I-I-- I gently touched her to block her as she was coming in for a kiss. I blocked her. I was the victim of an unwanted sexual advance. But more important, I was fighting the good fight.

Charlie:
Why were you fighting any fight?

Will:
I was trying to get her to not write the take-down piece.

Charlie:
Why?

Will:
Why?

Charlie:
Yeah.

Will:
I'll tell you why. Because I'm on a mission to civilize.

Charlie:
How's it going so far?

Will:
Progress is slow, but I'm in it for the long haul.

Charlie:
You want Publicity to draft a statement?

Will:
About the mission?

Charlie:
The Page Six piece.

Will:
Absolutely not.

Charlie:
Good.

Will:
What did you call me up here for?

Charlie:
Mostly to laugh at you.

Mac:
Back in 15 seconds Will, try not to date anyone before you're on the air.

Will:
Copy, Mac, try not to sleep with your ex-boyfriend while I am.

Mac:
[to self] He got the better of that exchange.

Reese:
Every second you're not current a thousand people are changing the channel to the guy who is. That's the business you're in. MSNBC, FOX and CNN all say she's dead. Don, tell him. Don!

Don:
It's a person. A doctor pronounces her dead, not the news.

Control room guy:
And we're back in 3...2... ...

Will:
[after a few moments] Here's what we know so far:

[Charlie, Mac, and Don all leave the studio, looking satisfied, Reese looks furious]

Will:
Mac, get in here with Charlie right now.

Mac:
Is everything-

Will:
Right now! [points to Charlie as he enters] You tell Leona that if she wants me out of this chair, she better bring more than just a couple of guys.

Charlie:
That's exactly what I'll f***ing tell her!

Will:
I'm not f***in' around, Charlie!!!

Charlie:
Feet of f***ing steel!

Will:
Mac-

Mac:
I'm sorry.

Will:
It's not your fault.

Mac:
I f***ed everything up!

Will:
It's gonna be all right.

Don:
[entering the room] What the f*** is going on?!

Will:
You're a f***ing newsman, Don! I ever tell you otherwise, you punch me in the face!!!

Don:
[considers this for a moment] Okay, but you're back in 30.

Maggie:
I'm about to have my Broadcast News moment. There are at least nine things between here and the control room I can trip over.

Jim:
It's 2011. We don't move film manually anymore.

Corey:
You're gonna have to move this manually.

Maggie:
Happy Valentine's Day.

Jim:
Oh, wow. I didn't realize it was Valentine's Day. And that people in the office gave-

Maggie:
No, Valentine's Day is Monday, not today, and these aren't for you, they're from you.

Jim:
I am more confused than I was before.

Maggie:
Don planned a beautiful night for us on Monday.

Jim:
You and me?

Maggie:
Yes. Don planned a romantic evening for you and me. Me and HIM.

Jim:
That makes more sense.

Maggie:
And I don't want it to be ruined by Lisa, who will ruin it if she doesn't have a romantic Valentine's day. Last year her boyfriend forgot it was Valentine's Day and went to a Rangers game with his friends. She got drunk, made us watch "Overboard," and reviewed every bad Valentine's Day she's ever had, which was all of them. Not this year. You're gonna be like St. Valentine himself.

Jim:
St. Valentine actually-

Maggie:
Focus, nerd. Don got us a room at the Four Seasons.

Jim:
Me and...

Maggie:
Nope, still him and me. The Four Seasons. The bath fills up in less than 60 seconds. And I don't want Lisa showing up with a copy of "The Notebook" saying, "Where's the minibar?"

Jim:
Yeah, I can't hang out with Lisa on Valentine's Day. That's making a pretty strong statement.

Maggie:
Don't screw with me on this, James Tiberius Harper.

Jim:
That's not my middle name. You're thinking of Captain James Tiberius Kirk-

Maggie:
Do not screw me on this, Jim.

Jim:
We're not in a relationship. She calls me at night after work. We talk for a minute and then she says, "Should I come over?" And what am I supposed to say?

Gary:
You say yes.

Jim:
I say yes.

Maggie:
If you're dating someone on February 14th, you take them out on February 14th.

Jim:
What's February 14th? [Maggie is annoyed] Valentine's Day...

Maggie:
Yes.

Maggie:
You can't have sex in a bathtub-

Tess:
Yes, you can... You just have to-

Maggie:
[sing-songy] THANK YOU-

Jim:
I wanted to hear mor-

Maggie:
Shut up!

Nina:
Hey, Will... we're journalists.

Will:
[stops writing a bribery check to her] I wish you hadn't said that.

Nina:
What?

Will:
Everything would have been cool if you hadn't said that. You just talk too much.

Nina:
You have a problem with me calling myself a journalist? Only the elite few who cover stories nobody cares about get to call themselves-

Will:
I've got a guy on my staff who got hit in the head with a glass door Thursday. His forehead wouldn't stop bleeding, but he wouldn't go to a doctor 'cause I got another guy who got beat up covering Cairo. And the first guy wouldn't see a doctor until the second guy saw a doctor. I've got a producer who ran into a locked door 'cause he felt responsible for the second guy. I've got an 18-year-old kid risking his life halfway around the world and the AP who sent him there hasn't slept in three days. I've got 20-somethings who care about teachers in Wisconsin. I've got a grown woman who has to subtract with her fingers staying up all night trying to learn economics from a PhD who could be making 20 times the money three miles downtown. They're journalists.

Maggie:
It's just a very bad day.

Lisa:
It's Valentine's Day. It's my favorite day.

Maggie:
Then pick another day! Because it's every guy's least favorite day. Everyone's always disappointed. Valentine's Day is the bully of holidays. It forces love on people who aren't in love. Cupid's freakish.

Jim:
All right.

Maggie:
No, I'm boycotting Valentine's Day from now on. Who's with me?!

Don:
[holding flowers for Maggie hands them to a random guy] I love you every day. Today's just an excuse to spend a night in a hotel room.

Jack Habib:
Any extra stress at work?

Will:
Extra stress?

Jack Habib:
Yeah.

Will:
No.

Jack Habib:
No extra stress?

Will:
No.

Jack Habib:
One more question.

Will:
Sure.

Jack Habib:
What are you f***ing around with me for?

Will:
I'm sorry?

Jack Habib:
What are you f***ing around with me for? I just asked you if there's any extra stress at work-

Will:
There isn't. There isn't.

Jack Habib:
What about the death threat?

[debating the construction of an Islamic community center near Ground Zero]

Will:
Miss Greer, you mentioned creeping Islam, are you concerned about creeping Christianity?

Phylis Greer:
[laughing] Only that it's not creeping fast enough.

Will:
Okay. Here are some things done on American soil in the name of Christianity. The Ku Klux Klan burned down black churches, raped women, murdered civil rights workers, murdered children and terrorized communities for over a century. The neo nazis all acted and continue to act in the name of white christian supremacy. The army of god fatally attacks abortion clinics and doctors across the country. The covenant, the sword and the arm of the lord targets local police and federal agents. The federal building in Oklahoma City. The attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan and the successful assassinations of Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, and Abraham Lincoln, all perpetrated by Christians. Miss Greer, we weren't attacked by Muslims, we were attacked by sociopaths, and I for one would join you in protesting a community center for the criminally insane, but no one is suggesting building one.

Jim:
What are they doing to contain the situation? What's going on with Will?

Mac:
Internal security is handling it. But I have to give you a rotten assignment.

Jim:
You got gum in your hair again?

Mac:
No! Yes, but I got it out. I need you to do opposition research on Will.

Jim:
Seriously?

Mac:
About a year ago, somebody filed a complaint with HR on your behalf.

Maggie:
I know what that was. Will didn't do anything wrong. This is ridiculous.

Mac:
I know, but Charlie wants to know what else is out there so he can--

Jim:
Will knows we're doing this?

Mac:
Of course.

Jim:
And he's okay with it?

Mac:
No, he hates it.

Jim:
Fantastic.

Mac:
Go to work.

[at Jim's desk]

Maggie:
Have you done this before?

Jim:
Yeah.

Maggie:
Where do we start?

Jim:
Tell me about the complaint.

Maggie:
There was a desk producer who saw Will yell at me about something.

Jim:
What?

Maggie:
Doesn't matter.

Jim:
What?

Maggie:
Doesn't matter. [Jim raises his eyebrows. Maggie sighs] I mixed up Georgia the state with--

Jim:
No.

Maggie:
Yes, Georgia the country.

Jim:
And this was...

Maggie:
Yup. This isn't about me.

Jim:
During the invasion? You thought the Russians invaded Atlanta?

Maggie:
In retrospect, it seems farfetched. But that wasn't what he was actually mad about. The wife of a board member died and Will asked me to send flowers. I wrote on the card, "I'm so sorry about your loss. LOL."

Jim:
LOL?

Maggie:
I thought it meant "lots of love."

Jim:
How are you still working here?

Maggie:
I dodge bullets. Here comes a bullet. Boom! I'm over here. Ping! Here comes another bullet. Boom! I'm over here.

Will:
Who else's body have you guarded?

Lonny:
We don't talk about that.

Will:
Okay.

Lonny:
Kanye. [pause] It was awesome.

Will:
Are you armed?

Lonny:
I secure my weapon in a gun safe when I come in the building.

Will:
Keep it there. I really don't want an armed guard. Maybe if you were drafted in the first four rounds, I'd feel safer.

Lonny:
Mr. McAvoy.

Will:
You can call me Will.

Lonny:
Yeah, I was gonna do that anyway. I know you're used to being the boss. But you're not anymore. At least for a little while.

Will:
How long?

Lonny:
Until my colleagues chase down the source of the threat or, of course, if you've been successfully assassinated.

Will:
A joke?

Lonny:
What'd you think?

Will:
It was all right. How does this work?

Lonny:
I pick you up at your home in the morning and escort you to your office. Then I pick you up at your office at night and escort you to your home. I'm with you any place that's an unsecured area.

Will:
What's an unsecured area?

Lonny:
Anyplace that isn't your home or your office.

Will:
I'm single. What about a date?

Lonny:
I don't think we should get romantically involved.

Will:
You get one joke a day.

Sloan:
Okay...

Don:
[smiling] 'Sup?

Sloan:
Okay, I know we were on sketchy ground ethically and linguistically, but-

Don:
Whatever you're gonna say, save it for another 10 seconds.

Sloan:
What happens in 10 seconds?

Don:
Just hang on for another 5 seconds and know that we've all been there at one point or another.

Sloan:
What happens in 5 seconds?

Charlie:
[storms in] What in the name of holy f*** were you thinking about?!

Will:
[holding a bag of pot cookies] Just to be clear for you youngsters, this isn't recreational. It's medicinal. When I was a junior in high school, I was already throwing a 74-mile-an-hour fastball, which puts a lot of stress on your landing leg. I also have epicondylitis in my elbow due to my mess-you-up breaking ball.

Kaylee:
You know, if you just want to bake, that's okay with me. You don't need to go to WebMD to come up with symptoms.

Will:
I don't want to bake. I'm telling you I was an awesome high school athlete, but it's left me in constant physical pain in my knee and elbow. And experts say that medical marijuana relieves the pain and inflammation with fewer side effects than prescription pain killers.

Kaylee:
Which experts?

Will:
The ones on WebMD. Anyway, thank you and thank your friend in LA for getting this for me.

Kaylee:
No problem. He said they're pretty strong. So you should just break off a quarter and eat that.

Neal:
And when this guy says they're strong, they're strong.

Will:
[looking worried for a moment] ...I ate two.

Kaylee:
Okay, well...enjoy yourself and we'll see you in 12 to 14 hours.

Will:
It's fine. I have incredibly high tolerance. That's why I can't feel the Vicodin.

Neal:
You took Vicodin and then ate two cookies?

Will:
Mmm hmm.

Kaylee:
[To Neal] He's fine. [To Will] You're fine...just try to stay away from anything dangerous...electricity, y'know...outside...

[After Charlie tells Will and Mac to wait for the White House to break the story]

Mac:
When was the last time you checked your emails?

Charlie:
15 seconds ago.

Mac:
[To Will] When was the last time you did?

Will:
Hmm?

Mac:
Look at your BlackBerry.

[Will takes out his BlackBerry and considers it]

Mac:
Press the buttons!

Will:
Sure... [he reads emails on his Blackberry] Okay, not tonight but in days to come, uh, you'll look back and think this moment was funny.

Mac:
[reading the Blackberry] It's from 20 minutes ago.

Will:
(chuckling) Yeah...

Charlie:
What's it say?

Mac:
'OBL reportable. Knock 'em dead just like we did.'

Charlie:
Who's it from?

Mac:
Joe Biden!

Charlie:
Are you kidding me?!

Will:
We used to play softball together when he was in the Senate, he knows something about the landing leg--

Charlie:
GET ON THE AIR!!!

Mac:
We're going!

Charlie:
[to Will] When did you turn into Ted Baxter?

Don:
Yeah, get the captain, 'cause I'd like to have a word with him. The seat belt while we're standing still is one thing, but how paranoid do you have to be to think that I'm declaring myself in charge of the-

Pilot:
Is there a problem, sir?

Don:
Yeah, I was asking how paranoid you have to- you have to be-

Pilot:
Sir?

Don:
[looking at the pilot and realizing the significance] Captain, my name is Don Keefer. That's Elliot Hirsch and that's Sloan Sabbith. We work for Atlantis Cable News. And we wanted you and your first officer and Flight Attendant Crazy Lady to be the first ones on this plane to know that our armed forces killed Osama bin Laden for you tonight.

Pilot:
You're serious?

Don:
Yes, sir.

Charlie:
I need to tell you that you're going to remember this night for the rest of your lives. It's going to be a long night and we need you to work fast and we need you to work well. But once in a while, take three seconds- you can't spare more than that- take three seconds to notice where you are and what you're doing. Will's gonna go on the air in a few minutes so that we can report that at the order of the President of the United States, US Special Forces have shot and killed Osama bin Laden.

Will:
Good evening. From New York City, I'm Will McAvoy. ACN is now able to report and confirm that for the first time in almost three decades, the world has no reason to fear Osama bin Laden. In just a moment, in a live address to the nation, the president will announce that in a coordinated operation under the cover of darkness, US Special Forces tonight killed the leader of al-Qaeda and the mastermind behind the deadly attack of September 11th, 2001. It's been nine years, seven months, and 20 days since America's most wanted criminal took from us 2,977 American sons and daughters, fathers and mothers, friends and colleagues. We were transformed that morning into a different nation, more fearful and so, of course, more hostile. And while nothing, not even this victory our country has waited for for such a long time, can bring back the souls lost on that terrible morning in New York City, in Virginia, in a field in Pennsylvania, and all across America and the world, let tonight serve as a welcome reminder that throughout our history, America's darkest days have always been followed by its finest hours. Here now, from the East Room of the White House, the President of the United States. [goes into the presidents address]

Brian:
I'm asking why you reached out to me.

Will:
Because, your recent complications notwithstanding, you cover the media better than anyone out there.

Brian:
You haven't lost your touch for complimenting and insulting someone at the same time.

Will:
Thank you. I appreciate it.

Sloan:
Unless there's a rally-

Mac:
I'm sorry, I've gotta-

Sloan:
Listen.

Mac:
Sloan...

Sloan:
Unless there's a rally in the next 90 minutes, the Dow is gonna close down about 2.5%, S&P NASDAQ will close down 2.3. Let me tell you why.

Mac:
I don't own a lot of stock...

Sloan:
Let me tell you why.

Mac:
[upset] I really can't deal with this right now-

Sloan:
[raising her voice] Stop avoiding this! I just got off the phone with these guys. Listen to these quotes. These aren't from liberals. These are hardcore Wall Street guys who, whatever the world may think of them, know what they're talking about and so do I. Jamie Dimon at Chase says: "Voting against raising the debt ceiling would be a moral disaster." The Barclay's guys say "This debate is detached from reality." My Goldman source says: "If the House Republicans continue this debate, I hope they're willing to mark the end of the dollar as the Global Reserve Currency." Please notice that he didn't say: "If the House Republicans don't raise the debt ceiling." HE SAID: "If the House Republicans continue this debate." That's all it takes. Just the uncertainty. That's why the Dow is gonna close down 230 points today. Because just the debate. Just the doubt. Just the possibility that the House Majority might commit the greatest self-inflicted damage to [raising her voice] the country since the SECESSION OF THE SOUTH has caused billions in value to disappear."

Mac:
Sloan, I understand. I swear to God I do. But you can't say the same thing in the C-block?

Sloan:
Don't pretend that you don't know that most people watch 10 minutes of news. The first 10 minutes.

Mac:
The vote isn't until tomorrow night and it's only the first vote and you said yourself it was cosmetic. Why do we have to feature it tonight?

Sloan:
We should've been featuring it weeks ago. We should've been leading with it every night.

Mac:
Why do we have to feature it tonight?

Sloan:
To give time for the people to call their Congressman and say: "If you f*** with the full faith and credit of the US Treasury, you're fired!" To give time for the people to jam the phone lines of the District Offices, to give the people TIME to say: "I'm a fiscal conservative, and you've gotta put the pin back in the grenade right now." That's why.

Mac:
I'm gonna do everything I can.

Sloan:
[upset] Please do.

Mac:
[to Sloan] Look, I'll do my best to find you the time you need for the story. We just need to hope there's no new piece of nonsense I have to jam into my 22 minutes of Short Attention Span Theater.

Jim:
Anthony Weiner accidentally tweeted a picture of his groin to 40,000 followers. [Mac whimpers]

Maggie:
[to Jim answering as Michelle Bachmann] Congresswoman Bachmann.

Jim:
Yes?

Maggie:
You've said that you were told to run for president by God.

Jim:
Please, I don't-

Maggie:
You have, right? You've said on a number of occasions that God told you to run for president. I have some clips if you'd like me to refresh your memory.

Jim:
Nope, my memory is fresh.

Maggie:
Here's my question.

Jim:
Good.

Maggie:
What does God's voice sound like? [everyone laughs] I'm completely serious. She's saying that God spoke directly to her. How is this not the first question asked in a debate? How's it not the only question? What does His voice sound like? What did He say exactly word for word? Did He speak in Hebrew? Acadian? Kiswahili-Bantu? And to put it in a medical context, is this the first time you've heard voices? She's claiming to be a prophet. The whole world is sitting on the edge of their seat. How is this not the first question we'll ask?

Jim:
First of all, can you stop pointing at me and saying "she" and "her"?

Maggie:
You're the one who wanted to play a woman. But tell me why that question is out of line.

Jim:
Because it's not the best way to demonstrate seriousness of intent and it's not the best way not to insult people.

Maggie:
Which people?

Martin:
Christians. 83 percent of the country.

Maggie:
I'm one of them. And she's insulting me!

Jim:
Please, stop pointing at me when you are-

Maggie:
Relax, J. Edgar. She's insulting me, she's insulting my family, she's insulting my congregation, and she's insulting my faith. She's implying that Christians are imbeciles who will believe anything while reducing God to a party hack who endorses political candidates. Now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is the first time since Moses that God has given direct instructions to someone other than His son. But if so, I think it deserves a follow-up.

Jack Habib:
You look like you're in pain.

Lonnie:
He is.

Will:
He said in pain, not a pain.

Lonnie:
Oh, never mind, then.

Jack Habib:
What is it?

Will:
I'm doing all these things that are wrong because of ratings, and I'm making the staff do things that they don't want to do, I'm cursing them out, I'm ignoring incredibly important new stories, and I'm betraying the trust of people who respect me. And I did it all in the blink of an eye.

Jack Habib:
That can be traumatic.

Will:
No, I'm fine with all of that. Here's my thing. New York Magazine is gonna do a story on my show and I get to choose the writer. And I could have chosen anybody and I chose Mackenzie's ex-boyfriend.

Jack Habib:
Of course. The one she cheated on you with?

Will:
Yeah.

Jack Habib:
Why?

Will:
That's what I came here to ask you.

Jack Habib:
You're holding your hand over the candle.

Will:
What do you mean?

Jack Habib:
You're holding your hand over the candle because you think the trick is not minding.

Will:
Ah. So if I just get through this, I'll be fine.

Jack Habib:
No.

Will:
Why?

Jack Habib:
Because the trick isn't not minding. The trick is forgiving Mackenzie.

Will:
It would be easier to hold my hand over the candle.

Jack Habib:
I know.

Will:
Well, you've been no help at all, but thanks. Sorry to barge in.

Jack Habib:
You know, while working you're way through this, you're hurting Mackenzie.

Will:
I know that.

Mac:
A miracle. A miracle happens. We become a team again. We all hate this, right?

Gary:
We're gonna hate it more after 10 minutes of no air conditioning.

Mac:
No, not the power outage. We hate what we're doing. We hate that we're covering Casey Anthony and Anthony Weiner. We hate that we have to do it to save the ratings. We hate that we have to bump important stories. And we're starting to be not very pleasant people to be around. Guys, this is real. I'm not making this up. Just a minute ago when I was prepping for a pretape with that idiot who's still sitting in the studio-

Sandy:
Are you talking about me?

Mac:
No! Yes. When when I was prepping for her pretape I said, "God, please show me a sign that I'm not doing a big thing badly." And right that second all the power went out. And so obviously I thought, "There's my answer."

Will:
Raise your hand if Mac's freaking you the hell out right now. [He and Don raise their hand]

Mac:
No, listen to me!

Will:
Just tell us how we do the show if the power doesn't-

Mac:
By being a team again. And that was God's plan.

Will:
Keep God out of this and talk more about electricity.

...

Mac:
Does anybody think we're not good enough to pull this off?

All:
No!

Sandy:
Should I still be sitting here?

Mac:
I'm so sorry, Sandy. I know you had your heart set on entertaining us with private details of a man you were sexting with and maybe a "Playboy" spread, but we're not able to do pretape. So if you want to do the show, you're gonna have to do it live.

Sandy:
I already committed to Fox, and no offense but it's a bigger audience.

Mac:
Shoot! Does anybody think we can't do this?

ALL:
No!

Mac:
This is a blessing in disguise. I say the power going out is the best thing that ever happened to us. I say the power going out is what is gonna save this-

[The power goes back on suddenly]

Mac:
-Son of a bitch!

Will:
Our job is to find the two candidates who'll give the voters the best competing arguments, and I don't believe we're seeing that. We have to put the candidates on a witness stand.

Tate Brady:
Would you have them swear an oath?

Adam Roth:
Just let 'em do it.

Will:
If baseball players testifying about steroids in front of a House Subcommittee are subject to perjury, I don't know why presidential candidates aren't. But I'm not reaching for the stars, I'm reaching just an inch higher.

Will:
[in the mock debate] Senator Santorum, you said that your campaign is about freedom and that 20 years from now you don't want to be telling your grandchildren how America once was free. Name three freedoms you had the day before President Obama was sworn in that you don't have now.

Don:
[as Santorum] Obamacare, to begin with. Obamacare is the most egregious--

Will:
Have you had to change doctors?

Don:
[as Santorum] May I finish?

Will:
No, sir. Have you had to change doctors?

Don:
[as Santorum] No.

Will:
Has anyone in your family had to change doctors? Has there been any change at all in health care for you or your family?

Don:
[as Santorum] I'm talking about Obamacare now.

Will:
My question was name three freedoms that you had the day before the president was sworn in that you don't have now. [to Maggie as Gingrich] Mr. Speaker, you just said that if you're elected, the price of gas will be $2.50 a gallon. How does the US President control the price of oil? [to Martin as Romney] Governor, you've said that as president you will never apologize for America. This question is in two parts. Name an instance in which the president has apologized for America and can you imagine no instance in which a US president should apologize for America?

Maggie:
[as Gingrich] Mr. McAvoy, I find it reprehensible that the liberal media would try to pit Republicans against one another. And I, for one, won't stand by while it happens.

Will:
This is the Republican primary, Mr. Speaker, and you're running for the nomination. It wasn't my idea to pit you against anyone. It was yours.

Tate Brady:
[in Will's office] I told you, this guy--

Will:
[walking in] This guy what?

Tate Brady:
Wasn't on the team.

Adam Roth:
He's on the team, okay?

Will:
Hang on. The team I'm on is the voters' and smart, qualified people disagreeing about issues.

Tate Brady:
Your plan was to embarrass the candidates.

Will:
I want candidates who can answer those questions. And if they know they're going to be held responsible for the nonsense they're shouting on the stump, they'll be forced to stop shouting nonsense.

Tate Brady:
This guy has lost his mind.

Adam Roth:
He hasn't.

Will:
Adam, this is exactly what we always talked about. This is what we dreamed of. We said we need real campaign reform and a way of letting Americans hear the two best competing arguments.

Tate Brady:
Nobody could stand up to that kind of questioning.

Will:
You think that was brutal questioning?

Adam Roth:
It really wasn't.

Tate Brady:
And you honestly believe the candidates would submit themselves to this?

Adam Roth:
They should welcome it.

Tate Brady:
I don't believe what I'm hearing.

Adam Roth:
Any candidate who can handle a cross is gonna find himself at the top of the polls in the morning. And we should welcome it 'cause it'll clear out the clown car and give us a serious discussion among serious candidates.

Tate Brady:
The only person who would welcome it is him. This is about him. He wants to look tough by making the candidates look like idiots.

Adam Roth:
No, he doesn't. I have known this man for 25 years and I vouch--

Tate Brady:
I don't care what you vouch for. I am not allowing the goddamn press to make fools out of our candidates.

Adam Roth:
I'll remember that the next time you bitch about how the press never vetted Obama.

Tate Brady:
[to Will] We're not agreeing to this format. You are going to abide by the rules that we give you and I don't want Mackenzie McHale producing it for you.

Will:
What are you talking about?

Tate Brady:
I want the old Will McAvoy. Not the thing she turned you into. I know all about that lady.

Will:
Get out.

Adam Roth:
Will, come on. You need the debate. Of course he can use Mackenzie.

Will:
These guys have been compromising and compromising all week so we could host a debate that made some sense and did some good.

Tate Brady:
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, because it was all for nothing.

Adam Roth:
We need ACN.

Tate Brady:
No, we don't.

Adam Roth:
They've got the independents.

Tate Brady:
He's not the only anchor at ACN. [marches out of office] Don Keefer.

Don:
Yeah?

Tate:
How would you and Elliot Hirsch like to have one of the debates?

Don:
Eat me.

Tate:
Mr. Skinner, I'm trying to be as-

Charlie:
When Don says, "Eat me," that's usually the end of the conversation.

Tate:
Sloan Sabbith. You want to be a star?

Sloan:
Me?

Tate:
Yeah.

Sloan:
F*** you.

Tate:
[To Adam] I hate these guys. I don't know why you don't.

Brian:
He'll cave. He'll agree to the debate on their terms.

Mac:
No, he won't.

Brian:
You romanticize Will.

Mac:
Mm-hmm.

Brian:
That mock debate was about him. He was the star. He attacked his--

Mac:
He didn't attack anybody. He asked questions that the candidates should be able to answer and that the voters should be able to hear them answer. He didn't cower and he wasn't Ed McMahon.

Brian:
Thinking there was even a remote chance--

Mac:
Maybe it was naive.

Brian:
It wasn't naive, it was hubris.

Mac:
It was gutsy and you're just jealous.

Brian:
Jealous of what? You know, f*** you, Mac. I've spent this week letting you kick my ass from here to the Chrysler Building because you were selling out every 15 minutes to get your hands on something you didn't get. And you were embarrassed by it in front of me. He doesn't want you.

Mac:
Please don't talk about my personal life.

Brian:
I'm sort of a key player in it. Is it all right if I talk about my personal life? Yes, I broke up with you. I'm the first guy ever to break up with a woman. And then I came back. Also unprecedented. Did he come back?

Mac:
I don't know yet.

Brian:
Seriously? After four years? In "Castaway," Helen Hunt got remarried in less time than-- I never would have gone with the Casey Anthony story. I don't care how much of my audience I was losing. And he's gonna cave on the debate, too.

Mac:
Are you sure about that?

Brian:
I am absolutely sure about that.

Mac:
You know what I like about Will? He's not absolutely sure about anything. He struggles with things. He's never certain he's right and sometimes he's not. But he tries hard to be. He struggles with things.

[Will falls to the floor, struggling to get his pants on]

Don:
I'm gonna ask her to move in with me.

Sloan:
I see. First, let me say you made a very wise decision coming to me with this problem.

Don:
It's not a problem.

Sloan:
Well, let's see what I can do about that.

Don:
How would you want to be asked?

Sloan:
To move in with a guy?

Don:
Yeah.

Sloan:
By having the guy say "Will you marry me?"

Don:
Okay, well, let's just take that off the table for the moment.

Sloan:
You know, if you're living together, it makes it harder to break up.

Don:
Well, that's the idea.

Sloan:
You have to get cartons.

Don:
You've been no help at all.

Sloan:
Since I'm never going to see you again after Friday, I feel like I can tell you something.

Don:
We'll see each other.

Sloan:
Maybe not after I say what I'm going to say.

Don:
And you're not leaving.

Sloan:
I don't know who told you you're a bad guy, but somebody did, somebody along the way. Somebody or something convinced you of it because you think you're a bad guy, and you're just not. I'm socially inept, but even I know that. So because you're a bad guy you try to do things you think a good guy would do, like committing to someone you like but maybe don't love. A sweet, smart, wholesome Midwestern girl. I could be wrong. I almost always am.

Don:
Why are you single?

Sloan:
A lot of men are intimidated by my intelligence.

Don:
No, seriously.

Sloan:
Because you never asked me out. Caught you off-guard, didn't I?

Don:
Yeah, you really did.

Mac:
[after hearing about Maggie and Lisa] Do you want to end up like me and him?

Jim:
No!

Mac:
Wasting time? And now he's practically dead.

Will:
I'm not practically dead.

Mac:
Eat some Jell-O! You've got to do something before he asks her!

Jim:
No.

Mac:
Why not?

Jim:
It doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do to Don. Or Maggie. Or Lisa!

Mac:
So you're willing to end up like the two of us- a strong, beautiful, vital woman and a hollowed-out shell of a man?

Will:
You know I'm awake now?

Mac:
That's a dead person speaking, basically. And now I'm gonna have to spend the next God knows how many hours in mourning.

Sloan:
The greater fool is actually an economic term. The greater fool is a patsy. For the rest of us to profit, we need a greater fool, someone who will buy long and sell short. Most people spend their lives trying not to be the greater fool; we toss him the hot potato, we dive for his seat when the music stops. The greater fool is someone with the perfect blend of self-delusion and ego to think that he can succeed where others have failed. This whole country was made by greater fools.

Maggie:
[screaming at a Sex and the City tour bus] Hey! No, they didn't! I'm a typical single woman in New York City! I don't wear heels to work because the typical woman's job doesn't exclusively involve gallery openings. And I know Carrie must have made boatloads writing her 800-word column for a newspaper no one's ever heard of but I just spent my last seven dollars having a fight with my best friend who, by the way, is not available at 3:00 p.m. on a Wednesday to console me about some guy, because she, too, has a job. And mostly, when you fall for a guy and he's going out with your best friend, it doesn't work out. Things get really bad!

[On the Sex and the City tour bus, Jim, previously unseen, stands]

Jim:
Maggie?

Maggie:
(horrified) No! No! [pause] I just...I was talking...about...other people! [she runs off]

Charlie:
(on media figures who anonymously panned Will in a magazine article) [They] are just pussy-ass, coward-ass, pussified pussies!

Will:
Sorority girl!

Mac:
[to Jennifer] Don't be scared.

Will:
You're the girl, right?

Jennifer:
I'm Jennifer Johnson.

Will:
Just graduated Northwestern?

Mac:
Stay calm.

Jennifer:
A year early.

Will:
You asked me that moronic question and then my world came apart and she came here and I landed in the tabloids and I got death threats and my job is constantly in jeopardy and you ruined my life?

Mac:
Again, just stay calm.

Jennifer:
Yes, that was me.

Will:
What the hell are you doing here?

Jennifer:
I'm applying for an internship.

Will:
Why?

Jennifer:
I watch the show and I read the "New York Magazine" article and I know what a greater fool is. And I want to be one.

Will:
"Camelot"- she's the kid at the end of "Camelot." Ask me again.

Jennifer:
I'm sorry?

Will:
Ask me your idiot question again.

Jennifer:
What makes America the greatest country in the world?

Will:
[To Jennifer] You do. [To Mac] Hire her.

Mac:
Honey are you saying the United States of America is getting out-lawyered?

Will:
Don't call him honey it makes me crazy. I didn't say that, it came out of my mouth... just...words.

Will:
I'm a registered Republican - I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure, and not gay marriage.

[Mac, as his "first time in the chair", has been tasked to report on 9/11]

Charlie:
You had to protect your sisters and your brothers and your mom from a pretty violent father, it sounds like. Do it again. I got faith in you.

Mac:
Why?

Charlie:
I'm out of options.

Mac:
I've been searching for, uh... uh, Biblical quotes. None of them... We don't know how many are dead. It's gonna be a lot. It's gonna be thousands. We don't know who attacked us, we don't know what's coming tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm doing. But I'll make you this promise... I'm gonna be with you all night. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here.

[On the Tea Party's policies]

Will:
Ideological purity. Compromise as weakness. A fundamentalist belief in scriptural literalism. Denying science. Unmoved by facts. Undeterred by new information. A hostile fear of progress. A demonization of education. A need to control women's bodies. Severe xenophobia. Tribal mentality. Intolerance of dissent and a pathological hatred of the US government. They call themselves the 'Tea Party'. They can call themselves 'Conservatives', and they can even call themselves 'Republicans', though Republicans certainly shouldn't. But we should call them what they are - The American Taliban. And the American Taliban cannot survive if Dorothy Cooper is allowed to vote.