The Office, Season 5

Michael:
What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Kelly:
I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.

[cuts to Creed in an interview]

Creed:
That wasn't a tapeworm.

Ryan:
Kelly.

Kelly:
Oh, hello Ryan. You look well.

Ryan:
I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11.

Michael:
Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?

Jim:
I would like to lose 65 pounds.

Michael:
Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?

Angela:
No. My doctor wants me to gain weight.

Michael:
If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?

Jim:
Cryogenics. Beer me five.

Michael:
This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing.

Meredith:
[About Kelly] I like her nails.

Michael:
Okay, be more specific.

Meredith:
I like her finger nails.

Oscar:
That isn't ethics. Ethics is a real discussion of the competing conceptions of the good. This is just the corporate anti-shoplifting rules.

Andy:
I'll drop an ethics bomb on you. Would you steal bread to feed your family? ...Boom!

Oscar:
Exactly, Andy.

Andy:
Yeah, I took intro to philosophy, twice. No big deal.

Dwight:
It's a trick question. The bread is poisoned. Also, it's not your real family. You've been cuckolded by a stronger, smarter male.

Andy:
No, that's... not how it works.

Michael:
I would not... steal the bread. And I would not let my family go hungry.

Michael:
I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it's because they see me as one of them. But... cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were President, there would be no taxes. There would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. And actually probably it would be a better screenplay idea then a serious suggestion.

Jim:
Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through delusion.

Stanley:
I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too? Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Michael:
In my opinion, the third date is traditionally the one where... you have sex. Does Holly feel that way? I don't know. I will probably find out tonight. If she starts having sex with me I'll know for sure.

Creed Bratton:
Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.

Holly:
It's been a weird week since we found out I had to transfer. Michael wanted me to quit and get some job here in Scranton, and I said, "Well, why don't you quit and get some job in Nashua?" And he said, "I asked you first." And I said, "First!" at the same time he did. And then I said "Jinx." And then we never talked about it again and haven't been back to the conversation. So...

Pam:
[dressed as Charlie Chaplin] So apparently no one dresses up for Halloween here. I wish I had known that before I used grease paint for my mustache. And I can't even take off my hat... because then I'm Hitler.

Kelly:
Dwight, get out of my nook.

Pam:
[heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Jim:
Good one.

Michael:
Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor's List. Schindler's List parody. ...That's not appropriate, no.

Jim:
Pam comes back from New York next week. And everyone here has just been so excited for me, and involved, and intrusive, and weird.

Dwight:
[Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.

Pam:
Uh, yeah.

Dwight:
Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.

Pam:
I'm not going inside.

Dwight:
Alright, first thing in the morning then.

Jim:
[to Pam] Welcome back.

Michael:
I learned a while back that if I don't text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.

Michael:
I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.

Dwight:
What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business; she's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada - I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She's been waiting for me all these years, she's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Michael:
Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.

Oscar:
Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.

Michael:
Ho-oh!

Oscar:
So you have an extra dollar.

Michael:
Yeah.

Oscar:
So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...

Michael:
I'll be six.

Andy:
What's that smell?

Dwight:
You're going to need to be more specific.

Angela:
It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.

Dwight:
Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.

Angela:
You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?

Dwight:
You want to eat, don't you?

Phyllis:
Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.

Michael:
As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

Michael:
My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever... [In an interview] Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An Improversation.

Dwight:
[Having been backed up against a hedge by Andy in his Prius] Get out and face me like a man!

Andy:
I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!

Dwight:
You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!

Andy:
Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?

Dwight:
Last year, idiot.

Jim:
Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.

Angela:
I'm not voting.

Jim:
No one cares.

Dwight:
Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.

Michael:
That is true.

Dwight:
Yes.

Michael:
That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.

Dwight:
Yeah.

Michael:
Jan...Ryan.

Andy:
[yelling] The fire is shooting at us!

Stanley:
Did I want to come back? No, but I don't have enough money to retire and I'm too old to get another job. I feel like I'm working in my casket.

Oscar:
I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.

David Wallace:
How could you possibly think this is a good idea?

Dwight:
A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.

Michael:
Electricity.

Dwight:
Shampoo.

Jim:
[regarding Pam's father] What did he say? Is it my fault?

Pam:
Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.

Jim:
You okay?

Pam:
Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.

Pam:
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But, Karen knows me, and she still hates me.

Jim:
Are you kidding?

Dwight:
Well, I'm not done yet.

Jim:
Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?

Dwight:
They match the carpet.

Jim:
What is that? [points to sign] "It is your birthday, period."

Dwight:
It's a statement of fact.

Jim:
Not even an exclamation point?

Dwight:
This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer!

Dwight:
Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

Jim:
Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.

Dwight:
That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.

Jim:
Didn't see that one coming.

Kelly:
I'm too excited to sleep!

Pam:
They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [pauses] Vending machine...

Michael:
It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.

Kelly:
Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.

Meredith:
She could be your soul mate.

Dwight:
Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Dwight:
Knock, knock.

Michael:
Who's there?

Dwight:
The KGB.

Michael:
The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]

Dwight:
VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!

. . .

Jim:
Ding dong.

Michael:
Who's there?

Jim:
The KGB.

Michael:
...Dwight, get the door.

Dwight:
I'm not answering the door.

Michael:
Answer the door.

Dwight:
I'm not answering it.

Jim:
Ding dong.

Dwight:
No way, its the KGB.

Jim:
Ding dong, ding dong.

Dwight:
I'm not gonna answer it.

Jim:
[slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!!

Dwight:
...It's true.

Kevin:
Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.

Lynn:
Okay.

Kevin:
I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.

Lynn:
Okay.

Kevin:
Nice. [looks down] Boobs.

Michael:
This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.

Andy:
Hey-oh!

Charles:
No, it is not.

Michael:
No, it is not.

Charles:
Okay, so we're on the same page, great.

Michael:
Okay, so we're on the same page, great.

Charles:
Okay, Michael.

Michael:
Okay, Michael.

Charles:
No, seriously.

Michael:
No, seriously.

Charles:
How old are you?

Michael:
How old are you?

[cuts to Pam in an interview]

Pam:
I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Toby:
Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? You know, now what?

Michael:
Stanley!

Stanley:
Can't you see I'm urinating?

Michael:
Listen, listen, Stanley. You don't need to answer me now.

Stanley:
No.

Michael:
Just...I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company...

Stanley:
No.

Michael:
You're not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.

Stanley:
No I didn't.

Jim:
Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically...I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

Bowling Alley Employee:
[to Ryan] Get back to work, shoe bitch!

Dwight:
Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?

Michael:
Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.

Andy:
I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Dwight:
You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!

Michael:
Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.

Dwight:
And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!

Michael:
[tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!

Pam:
When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid; I trust you."

Michael:
I have no shortage of company names.

David Wallace:
Michael...

Michael:
That's one of them.

Creed:
So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.

Jim:
Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.

Creed:
I thought you were gay.

Jim:
Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?

Creed:
I don't know.

Dwight:
When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [pause] Urine. It was urine.

Jim:
So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."

Pam:
I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.

Dwight:
This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.

Michael:
I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm gonna tell her. [quickly looks at crinkled note and looks back up] Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The...and the reason is...because, in terms of the soup we like to eat. That doesn't make any sense. [checks note again] We're soulmates! Holly and I are soulmates.

Michael:
I didn't find the perfect moment because I think today is about just having today. And I think we're one of those couples who'll have a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year she'll be with somebody and the next year I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.

Michael:
And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.

Michael:
I color code all my info. I wrote "gay son" in green. Green means go, so I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange means "orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" Most colors mean "don't say it."

"NO GOD NO. NO. NOO. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!"

Holly:
Can anyone think of examples of things that are over-the-line time wasters?

Stanley:
This meeting.

Michael:
[to Dwight] Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?

Jim:
Microgement.

Michael:
Boom, yes! Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let’s go.

Dwight:
All right, fine. Brrng-brrng!

Jim:
Hello?

Dwight:
Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.

Jim:
Well, that's great because I need paper.

Dwight:
Excellent. Then, you're in luck, because we are having a limited time offer only on everything.

Jim:
Wow. This is my lucky day.

Michael:
[to Dwight] Ask him his name.

Dwight:
What is your name, sir?

Jim:
I am Bill Buttlicker.

Dwight:
[pause] Really? That's your real name?

Jim:
How dare you? My family built this country by the way!

Michael:
Be respectful, Dwight. Please.

Dwight:
Yes, Michael.

Jim:
Could you hold on one second? That's my other line.

Dwight:
No, but I–

Jim:
Hello? [chuckles] No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He's so dumb! Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Okay.

Michael:
[to Dwight] It's up to you to change his mind.

Jim:
[to Dwight] Sorry, that was a family emergency.

Dwight:
Oh, no. What's wrong?

Jim:
You know what? That's private.

Michael:
Boundaries, Dwight! Come on!

Dwight:
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying. We are having a–

Jim:
Can you speak up a little bit louder? I'm hard of hearing.

Dwight:
Okay, as I was saying, right now we are having–

Jim:
You have to talk louder.

Dwight:
Okay! Our prices have never been lower!

Jim:
Son, you have to talk louder!

Dwight:
Never been lower!

Jim:
LOUDER, SON!

Dwight:
BUTTLICKER, OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!

Michael:
Stop it! Stop it!

Dwight:
He—

Michael:
That is totally inappropriate! You should never yell at the client. You never yell at the client!

Jim:
Now, you listen to me, sir.

Michael:
Here we go.

Jim:
The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.

Michael:
Give me the phone.

Dwight:
Please, Mr. Buttlicker—

Jim:
I'm irate right now!

Michael:
Give me the phone.

Dwight:
Please give me another chance, Mr. Buttlicker.

Michael:
Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

Dwight:
I have to put you on with my boss.

Jim:
Well, I should hope so. [Michael takes phone] Who is this?

Michael:
Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.

Jim:
Well, this is William M. Buttlicker.

Michael:
Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?

Jim:
Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.

Dwight:
[shakes fist, whispers] Yeah!

Michael:
[covers phone, whispers to Dwight] See how it's done? [into phone] Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it. [to Dwight] See what I did?

Dwight:
You are the master.

Jim:
There is one condition, Michael.

Michael:
Yes.

Jim:
You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.

Dwight:
Don't do it, Michael.

Michael:
[beat; whispers] It's a million-dollar sale...

[Toby discovers that Michael and Dwight planted caprese salad in his drawer in an attempt to have him arrested for drug possession]

Michael:
You must feel pretty good about yourself right now.

Toby:
I didn't put caprese salad in my drawer, Michael. Did you?

Michael:
Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad anywhere?

Toby:
You know but the police could have been out there you know, catching real criminals instead of here searching my stuff.

Michael:
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, that's who you're worried about? You're... you're worried about the cop's time? You think I framed you, and you're worried about the taxpayer? Dah, GOD! [scoffs] Welcome back, jerky jerk-face.

[Dwight sees that his desk, chair, and other belongings have been gift wrapped by Jim]

Dwight:
What is this?

Jim:
Happy holidays, Dwight. But do not open it till Christmas.

Dwight:
You're so pathetic. How long did this take you? Three hours?

Jim:
Five minutes actually. I am a black belt in gift wrapping.

Dwight:
Yeah, no such thing. They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid. [scoffs] Well, I hope it was worth it, cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.

Jim:
I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.

Dwight:
Really? If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my—[sets briefcase on desk and sits in chair, which both break, causing Dwight to fall over]

Dwight:
[lights up a cigarette that he then throws into a trash bin which catches fire] Today, smoking is gonna save lives.

Dwight:
[to the panicking colleagues during the fire drill] Use the surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making!

[Michael fails to resuscitate the dummy after he and his coworkers break out in song and dance to Stayin' Alive]

Dwight:
Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?

Rose:
I have no idea.

Dwight:
Anyone else?

Phyllis:
We bury him.

Dwight:
Wrong! Ehhh! Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.

Creed:
He has no wallet. I checked.

Michael:
He is an organ donor.

Dwight:
He is! [to Stanley] Get me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. [unsheathes a dagger strapped to his leg] Here we go!

[Dwight stabs the dummy in the chest and slices open its torso]

Angela:
Oh my God! Dwight!

Kelly:
Dwight!

Angela:
What are you doing?!

Dwight:
We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart?

Stanley:
I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down.

Michael:
I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.

Pam:
What?

Michael:
Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget. [clears throat] Jim, you’re 6’11”, and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called. Your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Well, there you are. I didn’t see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.

[Stanley starts laughing]

Michael:
Oscar, you are…[starts giggling] Oscar [chuckles], you’re gay.

Oscar:
Wow.

Michael:
Andy, Cornell called. They think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

[Stanley laughs hysterically]

Michael:
[about Holly] She has a boyfriend.

Pam:
I'm so sorry, Michael.

Michael:
How could she do this to me, Pam?

Pam:
She's not doing it to hurt you.

Michael:
I can't do the presentation, I can't-... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God!

Pam:
Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but...

Michael:
I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay?

Pam:
You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.

Michael:
And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.

Pam:
Yeah, maybe.