Top Gear, Series 8

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: I drive the scariest car in the world. James drives the least scary car in the world. And we all drive a car with a monkey on the roof.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[Talking about their new dog, Top Gear Dog (TGD), being a Labradoodle (Labrador-Poodle cross)]

Jeremy:
Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her "Prius", but that would have been cruel... and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting.

Jeremy:
[Discussing the bright pink convertible Nissan Micra] It just looks like a scrotum!

Jeremy:
[About his Ford GT] The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywhere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at "Actually, I've Got a Peugeot" BBC Top Gear, London W12...

[Discussing 20p organic crisps]

Jeremy:
You see the thing is this, if you buy those crisps, the 20p goes to the Mexican sewage industry but if you buy petrol, the money goes to the government who spend it letting out foreign prisoners so they can stab people.

[Laughter, Hammond with his head in his hands, large applause]

[on quitting his smoking habit]

Jeremy:
In recent weeks, a craving for nicotine has made me angry with everything, even trees.

[cuts to him criticizing a tree in the woods]

Jeremy:
It's just completely the wrong colour. [seeing a twig on the ground] Look, a twig, why, why's it there? [picks up the twig] Look at it! [prepares to throw the twig but it snaps under pressure]

[thundering down the road in the Koenigsegg CCX]

Jeremy:
Who needs nicotine?!

Jeremy:
[Commenting on the Koenigsegg CCX] I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: "Oh no, my head has just exploded!"

Jeremy:
Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

[About the Koenigsegg CCX]

Jeremy:
Oh. And I'll give you a little tip: If you tune this engine to run on environmentally-friendly biofuel, you'll be getting nine hundred brake horsepower. [laughs] Should I get Bill Oddie one of these?

Jeremy:
This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases. [Drives past a sign welcoming him to "Piddington"] That says it all, really. "I drive a people carrier... I'm a bit of a Piddington"

[heading to Woburn Abbey Safari Park in the convertible Renault Espace]

Richard:
[to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?

James:
The lion.

Both:
What?

James:
No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those Barbary monkeys, they panic and they get really, incredibly violent.

Jeremy:
I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.

[At the safari park in their convertible people carrier, watching two lions mate]

Richard:
[Voiceover] Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.

Jeremy:
Oh, look what's going on.

James:
Oh no, he's...

Richard:
Oh, that's... lion porn!

Jeremy:
What are you doing, man?

Richard:
What if he tries to do that to us?

[on driving the home-made convertible through the monkey enclosure]

Jeremy:
ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]

James:
Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!

[Whilst in the carwash in the Espace convertible]

Jeremy:
I'm dry still.

[a moment later]

Jeremy:
I'M WET NOW!!

[The three take their convertible people carrier through a car wash]

Jeremy:
Uh... it's on fire.

Richard:
What?! It can't be on fire! [He looks] It's on fire.

Jeremy:
It's on fire. Just run. Just run.

[The three run off... and after the film]

Jeremy:
The thing is, we managed to set fire to something that's basically made of water!

Richard:
How did you do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards?

Jeremy:
He was...

Richard:
Cross. Very cross.

James:
He was especially cross when I rang him up and asked if we could have our three pounds fifty back.

James:
[about the Honda Civic's poor sound insulation] I mean, I like an engine note as much as the next person, but I'd like it to be a fizzy V6 hand-crafted in Italy. This... [revving the engine] that's a rather dreary 4-pot from rainy Swindon.

Jeremy:
You need to be able to drive the car over a sleeping policeman... That wouldn't drive over Richard Hammond's girlfriend.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: I'm ruining the tranquillity of the Yorkshire Dales. Richard ruins Iceland. And we all ruin a local radio show.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[in the news sction]

James:
Look at this. [...] It is called the "quickstart". You stick it in your cigarette lighter when you are driving in France and when you turn the car on in the morning its little electronic voice reminds you to drive on the right.

Richard:
That might be useful if you are a bit thick

James:
[...] Actually, it is a complete waste of £ 9,99. When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.

[on the way to hosting the radio programme, Jeremy and James had taken to bad-mouthing Richard's Cadillac BLS]

Richard:
Just stop talking now.

[a brief silence...]

James:
I don't like the clock.

Richard:
Save it!

[during the news]

James:
To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover.

Richard:
Eh?

James:
You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.

Jeremy:
The rock and roll years, with James May!

Jeremy:
[Before the Stig's Liana lap] This week we've been literally inundated with a letter...

James:
Now, look at this. A bloke stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one of the fastest cars in the world. We have to agree it's on the top of our board, but it was fitted with one of those tracker devices, so the police could trace it. They caught him after 40 minutes, d'you know how far he'd gone in that time?

[Jeremy and Richard shrug shoulders]

James:
12 miles!

[Laughter]

Richard:
What was he doing?

Jeremy:
That's the least ambitious thief in the world.

James:
That's an average speed of 18 miles per hour.

Richard:
Why did he nick it?

James:
I dunno, but I would like to appeal to him, if he's been let out by the home secretary, which he almost certainly has been... [Laughter and applause] ...if you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 miles per hour, could you nick my Honda 90?

[on the new Jaguar XK, and why its front lifts above 130 mph]

Jeremy:
Golf. In the boot, golfists want enough room to put their bats...

Jeremy:
[About a BMW 650 convertible] This doesn't have an engine. What it has instead is a nuclear bomb under the bonnet.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: I get a hot head..."Oh-oh-oh, I'm on fire..."; Richard gets another Top Gear dog "Help!"; And James has some trouble with wind.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[Trying to discover what sort of car Richard has bought during the Amphibious Car Challenge]

Jeremy:
Hamster! How it's going?

Richard:
Very well, thank you, very well indeed!

Jeremy:
What are you doing? What've you got?

Richard:
Err, it's, it's pretty... I don't wanna tell you, really, but it's pretty... sleek, um, as a road-going vehicle; as a boat I think it's gonna be a winner.

Jeremy:
I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it?

Richard:
Well, it's a monocoque [screws up face]. Um, so it, it has sort of sporting... pretensions.

Jeremy:
And what're you going in terms of propulsion?

Richard:
Uh, well, now, the, the, the, the... lot of power. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fully utilise the onboard power.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest.

James:
Hello?

Jeremy:
May.

James:
Clarkson.

Jeremy:
Have you heard the Hamster?

James:
Well, yeah, I did, but I can't get much out of him. He's now saying his car is rear-engined, but not a 911. I think he's bought an Hillman Imp and he's making a submarine.

[practicing his negligble sailing skills in a small boat]

James:
There's a boat there called the "Hey Presto"! Hang on, there's a boat right here called "Puffin" - Hello Puffin! [crashes heavily into "Puffin"]

[after being drenched in the motor wash from Jeremy's borrowed powerboat]

James:
You utter pirate!

[Jeremy has just shown Richard the buoyancy aids he has added to his Toybota.'

Jeremy:
So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan...will float?

Richard:
Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?

Jeremy:
[Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.

James:
[Struggling onto the Motorway in his Triumph Herald] And we're in Top Gear... 35mph..!

Richard:
Meanwhile, my lack of power was becoming an issue.

Jeremy:
[My road boat].

Richard:
Help! I'm trying to get up the hill. Haha!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Meanwhile, back at the convoy...

Richard:
No!! Not now...

Richard:
Wait! I've died, I've died!

Jeremy:
Goodbye!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] ...and so in the spirit of Top Gear comradeship... we left James behind.

Jeremy:
It's the coldest March for twenty years, because of global warming.

[Richard's van is sinking and James' car is stuck in weeds]

Richard:
Did you want tea or coffee?

James:
Tea, please mate.

Jeremy:
I've got a spare outboard.

Richard:
You are joking.

Jeremy:
I have. How much will you give me?

Richard:
A million pounds!

Jeremy:
A million?

Richard:
And a leg, take your pick! Either leg! [Jeremy hands him the tiny 4.5hp motor he was originally recommended] Oh, yes! Now what do I do?

Jeremy:
Hammond, how much?

Richard:
For what?

Jeremy:
A lift.

Richard:
I'll give you a million quid, or this bucket.

Richard:
Jeremy?

Jeremy:
Yes?

Richard:
I've come up with a problem.

[realising Richard's bucket has holes in it]

Jeremy:
You have... you owe me a million pounds!

James:
Avast, land lubbers!

Jeremy:
Rise Toybota!

James:
[to Richard and Jeremy at the end of the challenge] Chaps...one observation I might have. Sailing: REALLY boring!

[after the amphibious car challenge]

Jeremy:
It's a fair victory. It's not like I'm a sore loser or anything... it's just that, for going home tonight, James won't be using the Herald [points to the Triumph Herald] because the clutch has gone. Richard won't be using that [points to the "Dampervan"] because it was ruined in the accident. Whereas, because I bought a Hilux [points at Toybota] - and, as we know, from here [indicates the Hilux] - they are indestructible, I shall be driving this home! So, um...

Richard:
Yes, alright.

Jeremy:
Yes, thank you all very much for watching. It's been a...[Clarkson gets in and tries to start it, but fails, to much ridicule from Hammond and May]

Richard:
Oh ha ha ha! You have broken the 'indestructible'... ha ha ha. It's not working.

Both:
No it isn't.

Jeremy:
...And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show. Thanks very much for watching. [Jeremy "facepalms" on the steering wheel out of embarrassment] Goodnight!

[during the news]

Richard:
My daughter is five years old, she loves cleaning the car with me. We share it.

Jeremy:
Oh, do you live in a yoghurt commercial?

Jeremy:
Look, anyone who washes their car has a small mind, or is in an unhappy marriage!

[during the news]

James:
[Talking about digital displays on the sides of roads] Those displays aren't always true, like the microwave in my mate's kitchen. It says "Enjoy your meal" when you get something out. But I won't if it's my pants...

[The other two start ridiculing him for supposedly having no pants on in his mate's kitchen]

[during the news]

James:
The only thing I keep in my car is a little paintbrush for cleaning dust out of the switches.

Richard:
You're scaring me, mate...

James:
And I always like to have the air vents lined up so they're really completely symmetrical.

Richard:
Stop talking now!

James:
And if anybody moves them... I get really angry.

Richard:
(to Jeremy) Does genuinely scare me.

[during the news, while talking about Top Gear Dog's new "doggles"]

James:
Those aren't doggles, they're goggles with the G crossed out and replaced with a D.

[still during the news]

Jeremy:
Now, we get loads of...er, letters on this show, very angry ones from people who say we don't do enough, em, affordable cars, you know, family cars. One particularly angry caller last week rang the BBC duty log saying we were a disgrace, well, Mr. Needham, check this out...[a picture of the Vauxhall Corsa appears on the TV screen] That is the new Vauxhall Corsa! [3 seconds later] And, er, moving on now...[audience dissolves into laughter]

[During the Cool Wall, talking about the Koenigsegg CCX.]

Jeremy:
If you go though the Pearly Gates, backwards, in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!

Richard:
I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! "Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?"

Jeremy:
(about a Ford Mustang going head-to-head against a Lotus Exige S) "It's got a 4.6 litre 300bhp V8 at the front, rear-wheel drive at the back, and a Stig in the middle."

Jeremy:
(about the Exige S, a few seconds later) "And he's lined up alongside a plastic car that was made by some Norfolk turnip farmers, which is being driven by a fat bloke with a dicky hip."

Jeremy:
(the start of the Exige S Power Lap) "Slingshot acceleration, thanks to those semi-slick tires and the fact that this doesn't weigh anything..."

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: I investigate some new in-car dogging technology. Richard races a man dressed as a squirrel. And with a wing and a prayer, the Koenigsegg is back on our track.

[on the Stig]

Richard:
Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[At the start of the road test of a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]

Richard:
Welcome to Greenpeace Hell.

[hearing a bang as he drives a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]

Richard:
Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive.

[to the guest French fashion designer, who complained about his eating habits]

Jeremy:
What's the matter with chips with vinegar on them?

Jeremy:
I'm gonna have to explain all this to my nine-year-old boy. [makes a face] Who's ten, I've just remembered!

Jeremy:
[to the Mercedes S-Class onboard computer] Station: Radio 2. [It retunes to Radio 2] And it goes to Radio 2. Or, Station: absolute rubbish. [It retunes to Radio 1] Look! Radio 1! It knows! How brilliant's that?

[on the approach the BMW M Division took when developing the Z4M]

Richard:
So on this car, they've thrown out the fancy electronic power steering for a more old-fashioned system that they prefer. They've also got rid of those ridiculous run-flat tyres, and they've not messed about with any fancy gearboxes either. They've fitted it with a proper old-fashioned manual.

Richard:
[voiceover] That is a set of confident decisions. So naturally, you'd be forgiven for approaching any corner with a similar amount of confidence.

[The Z4M nearly runs off the edge of the track in a corner]

Richard:
[countersteering furiously] Whoa! Whoa! Understeer - ! [recovering control] ... Bloody hell! I was not expecting that.

Richard:
[holding a red Dorset Naga chili pepper] This... is the BMW Z4. [tastes pepper gingerly with the tip of his tongue] GAH!

Richard:
[on the Z4M, still in pain after tasting a red naga chili] It absolutely steals your heart, which is why it's the one I'd drive home. If I could see...

Richard:
[Driving the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S] So, we've devised another Richard Hammond real world test...

[scene continues to car vs skydiver stunt]

[regarding photos of the (rather extensive) damage to a Porsche Cayenne and the production vehicle Richard crashed it into]

Richard:
Oh, come on now, most of that'll polish out! It was just a slight... shunt.

Jeremy:
You set the airbags off in the Porsche, look!

Richard:
Actually, that was a bit of a surprise, and a bit of a worthwhile test, because I always thought, you know, an airbag going off would be like resting your head in a big fluffy pillow.

Jeremy:
Mmm?

Richard:
It's not! It's like being hit in the face with a wrecking ball! You have a crash, "Oh no!" and then boomf!, urgh, it hurts! I didn't like it.

[testing Jeremy's redecorated Mercedes, with its concrete floor]

Richard:
Sixty miles an hour!

James:
[tripping stopwatch] Thirty-five point four seconds!

[Richard's seat has fallen over while negotiating the Hammerhead]

James:
Regain control of the cottage!

[at the end of the "cottage" lap]

Richard:
D'you know what? This is rubbish.

James:
Terrible.

[Jeremy disputes this finding]

Jeremy:
This is the safest car ever made.

Richard:
I've got a scar!

James:
Oh I've got bruised balls and a very badly barked cock.

[...]

Jeremy:
The brilliance of this car is that you're never really going fast enough to properly hurt yourself.

Richard:
You're never really going fast enough to get where you're going in it!

James:
Sixty miles an hour, what was it? Thirty-five seconds.

Jeremy:
How safe's that?!

Richard:
Have you ever - have you ever been in a dining room doing sixty miles an hour?

James:
Do you want me to show you what it's like to be smacked on the head with a wingback chair?

[...]

Jeremy:
Look, the problem is taste, OK? If you [Richard] made a car to look like the inside of your house, it would have a horse in it. And you [James], your house is just full of pictures of the Queen!

[on the re-engineered Koeniggsegg CCX, with altered suspension and an added rear spoiler, and keeping in with the modified S-Class theme]

Jeremy:
We're no longer just reviewing cars on Top Gear - we're designing them!

[Discussing the cottage design of the Mercedes S Class to the French designer]

Jeremy:
We'll try it my way... and then we'll finish it. [walks away quickly]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Chan teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've drank it already.

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James:
OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those bigger one whose name is - um -

Jeremy and Richard:
Legacy.

James:
Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent. [Laughter]

Jeremy:
That's "heightist" frankly.

Richard:
Yeah, that's "heightist."

James:
I can't think of a better recommendation actually.

Jeremy:
What?

Richard:
Us not being able to do it?

James:
Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see you there.

Richard:
And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television, a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us saying that she could get any one of us, to any race track in the country, in any car, get us to set our best time, and then she could get us to knock twenty seconds off that time.

Jeremy:
He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.

Richard:
Right-o.

Jeremy:
Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]

[while driving with Jackie Stewart]

James:
This is probably what will happen to me in hell: A TVR, a racetrack and a pedantic Scotsman.

[on the TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible]

James:
In the old days of TVR you would have thought "that's a ticket to a festival of plastic death", but actually I thought it was good. I thought it handled really well.

Jeremy:
When our guest tonight first came here he was so spectacular, we named a corner in his honour. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, SIR MICHAEL FOLLOW-THROUGH!

[to Michael Gambon]

Jeremy:
Last time you were here, in the Liana: 1.55. You did it, in the Lacetti, in one minute... [Jeremy starts writing the time down but stops, holding the pen up] Due to the unique way the BBC is funded, the pen doesn't work!

[on the Prodrive P2]

Jeremy:
You also get a funny little noise from the waste gate when you take your foot off the accelerator... [he lifts off, and we hear the noise] It sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine. That's what this is, it's a squirrel mincer!

[on the 2006 Monaco GP]

Jeremy:
That's the trouble with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, Fisichella... Fisichella charging down the pit lane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it! He should've got extra points for that.

Richard:
Are you saying drivers should just get, like, random points?

Jeremy:
Yes!

Richard:
And who's going to give them these points?

Jeremy:
Me!

[...]

Jeremy:
I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight?

Richard:
Well, yes, I do.

Jeremy:
Every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "'Ey, you seen that Alonso? 'E were lookin' at your pit board."

Richard:
What, starting fights?

Jeremy:
[Still in Geordie accent] "'E's spilt your practice lap, what you gonna do? You can't do nothin'."

[...]

Jeremy:
Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.

[on the Prodrive P2, after being made car-sick by its incredible cornering grip]

Jeremy:
It can blow your mind... but also empty your stomach.

[during the news, talking about the Audi RS4 convertible]

Jeremy:
Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?

James:
Yes.

Richard:
Because she's got big hands?

James:
I don't like girls with big hands.

Jeremy:
Why don't you like girls with big hands?

James:
Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] This is the old Citroën CX, and it was mad in every way.

Jeremy:
[voiceover, on the Citroën CX] Trying to drive this car through a town was like trying to wire a plug while wearing boxing gloves. It was always going to end in tears.

Jeremy:
[on the Citroën C6] But I want it to feel completely different to any other car. I want to start it by licking a little panel here on the steering wheel. I want the gear lever to be made of rhubarb and to stick out of the sun visor. I want to feel like I'm in a Salvador Dalí painting and it's all melting. [...] Is this an indicator? Yes it is. It shouldn't be! That should be the boot release. The indicator should be, I don't know, [opens center console] in here somewhere. It's all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong. [voiceover] As a car, it's conventional too. It's front-wheel-drive rather than side-wheel-drive, and prices start at 29 and a half thousand pounds, rather than 29 and a half thousand zarps.

James:
Odious little man. [After losing ANOTHER game of car football to Hammond]

[After receiving a text, ostensibly a reply from Kristin Scott Thomas]

Jeremy:
It says, "You know about the restraining order, that includes texts. I've called the poo lice!" [He looks nervous]

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Tonight: we drive a Formula One car... indoors; Hannibal Lector is in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and we go on a caravan holiday!

[on the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy:
[On the Mazda 6 MPS] And you don't have to worry about all the oomph making the chassis go 'blblblbl' and fall to pieces because it's got four wheel drive.

James:
[on film clip] It's not wide enough!

[During the news, James suggests the Daihatsu Copen]

Richard:
You would look such a spanner in that!

James:
No I wouldn't!

Richard:
Yes you would, because you'd be sticking up above up with your big floppy hair like a spaniel. Never, ever, ever, ever buy a car which you are taller than, when you're sitting in it, than it is long. You'll look like Noddy with bad hair!

Jeremy:
Okay, remind me. Who were the last 4 teams in the World Cup? All European. Women's finalists at Wimbledon; both European. Men's finalists; both European. Everything anyone ever does in any walk of life is done better by Europeans and it's the same with cars.

Jeremy:
Jesus is here!

James:
Now, look at this, there's a study out here, it says people with those speed camera detectors are 600% less likely to get a speeding ticket than the rest of us. In other news, it's been revealed that people with metal detectors are 600% less likely to step on land mines.

James:
[On driving a bus] Yeah, it's easier [than sitting here] actually. 'Cause you're not being filmed. So you can have a joint. No! Sorry.

Jeremy:
Chaps.

James:
Yes?

Jeremy:
There's a list of essential accessories.

James:
Ok, let's see if we've got them.

Jeremy:
Step?

Richard:
No.

Jeremy:
Water container?

Richard:
No.

Jeremy:
Mains hook up lead?

Richard:
No.

Jeremy:
Leisure battery?

Richard:
No.

Jeremy:
Gas cylinders?

Richard:
No.

Jeremy:
Towing mirrors?

All:
YES!

Jeremy:
We could be gypsies.

Jeremy:
James, the car is weaving about.

Richard:
It's not-this is not natural.

James:
Really alarming!

Richard:
[voiceover] So, we consulted the caravan handbook.

Jeremy:
[quoting the handbook] "When a swaying caravan starts to dictate the direction of travel, you have a snake."

Richard:
No, you have a crash!

Jeremy:
Exactly! [quoting] "Try to keep it in the straight ahead position, and allow the outfit to slow down gradually." [commenting] And that's not true! You put your foot down, don't you?

Richard:
Power out of it. Always!

James:
Yeah!

Jeremy:
Power out!

Richard:
Yes, if in doubt, give it more power.

Jeremy:
[holding up the handbook] This is wrong!

James:
This car feels really odd.

Jeremy:
James, it-what's a Kia C-

Richard:
Thingy.

Jeremy:
Soprano, Sudoku... It's not a good car.

James:
Do you know what's behind us?

Jeremy:
What?

James:
Horse box.

Richard:
What, we're holding up a horse box?

Jeremy:
Ah, now that's payback. I like that. I'll write him a message. [He picks up the keypad for an LED messageboard bought at the service station] Serves... You... ["Serves you right!" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]

[riding in the tow car on a single-carriageway country road]

Richard:
Oh, I've just seen the queue [behind them] as we came off the roundabout! I can't live with the shame!

[police sirens are heard]

Jeremy:
Police are here! Runaway!

Richard:
Run! Hide in a bush!

Jeremy:
So far we'd learnt that if there are any joys to caravanning they certainly weren't to be had on the journey. All we'd done on the way to Dorset is crash into things, bicker, get cautioned by the police, cause a lot of jams, have a puncture, clear up some dog sick, have a noisy disgusting picnic at the side of the road and get stuck.

Jeremy:
But after six hours we finally arrived at Caravancatraz.

Richard:
Oh no, Jeremy it's worse... over there. That's not a sign you ever want to read on your holiday. [points to a sign that reads: "Toilet Chemical Disposal Only"]

[After Richard is "abducted" by an elderly fan in a neighbouring caravan]

James:
What's Hammond doing with the dog?

Jeremy:
The dog went in with him.

James:
Really?

Jeremy:
Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.

James:
It is amazing upholstery, I went in there and I immediately wanted a curry.

Jeremy:
[peeking in the caravan after they park up] Ohh... [seeing shattered dishes on the floor] Oh no.

Richard:
Ooh!

James:
Oh, dear.

Richard:
[laughing] Oh, my word. Wha...

[the caravan tips back as they all enter]

All:
Woah!

Jeremy:
Oh my God!

James:
You've got to put the legs down first.

Richard:
We're not brilliant at this are we?

Richard:
Ow!

Jeremy:
Was that your finger?

Richard:
[singsong voice] There's gonna be swearing!

Jeremy:
Here it is!

Richard:
Wow. Star Trek!

[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]

James:
That's not a bed, is it?

Richard:
[laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!

Jeremy:
I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!

James:
What a reward!

Richard:
You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!

Jeremy:
You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!

[Richard is exploring the caravan after they are finally parked up]

Richard:
What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.

Jeremy:
Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might- I thought-

Richard:
That's an AK-47.

Jeremy:
I know. I thought I might need it.

Richard:
Why?

Jeremy:
A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?

Richard:
You're not a practical man, are you?

Jeremy:
Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.

Richard:
I like it.

James:
I like it. It's nice... it's homey.

Richard:
No, I'm alright with caravanning!

[A train is heard in the distance]

Jeremy:
Oh good, a train!

Richard:
Nice, that's nice.

Jeremy:
Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?

James:
I quite like it. It's romantic...

Richard:
Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!

James:
I'm gonna go off and I'm gonna find one of those ruddy-faced farmers and his organic, rosy-cheeked wife, and get some free-range eggs and... grass-fed bacon, and all that local produce.

Jeremy:
How do I "Release The Excrements"?

Richard:
Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!

[on taking a caravan holiday]

Jeremy:
Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."

Jeremy:
[complaining about the camp site] You aren't allowed to have a fire, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to play music, you have to be in bed by eleven, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you can't have anything. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

Jeremy:
Why would anybody think this was a holiday? I mean at what point in the last eight hours have I done anything I'd call holidayish? Nothing! I've been in a car accident, I've watched James May destroy a camp-site, I've stabbed myself seven times...

Jeremy:
She spent twelve thousand pounds on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket! I'm sorry, but when we come to power, caravanning is going to be banned, and that's it.

[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]

Jeremy:
James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?

James:
No.

Jeremy:
Coconut milk?

James:
No.

Jeremy:
Green curry paste?

James:
No.

Jeremy:
Coriander leaves? Snake beans?

James:
It had some potatoes.

Jeremy:
Oh, well I'd do chips then.

[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]

Jeremy:
Oh God. Uh, Richard!

Richard:
What?

Jeremy:
Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?

Richard:
No. Why?

Jeremy:
[outside] How do you put a pan fire out?

James:
Tea towel in water.

Jeremy:
[inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?

Richard:
No, I used it all on my hair.

Jeremy:
Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.

[towing away the torched wreck of their caravan]

Jeremy:
All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?

Richard:
...I think "well."

[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]

Jeremy:
Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?

Richard:
No, absolutely not.

James:
I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.

Richard:
Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Is a Peugeot faster than two men? Has Lamborghini gone mad again? And can we build a whole car in 8 hours?

[During the news]

Richard:
But if you think about this, the Chinese, they say they're gonna be investing ten million pounds in Longbridge, yeah? Well... that's a lot of money, if you're gonna spend it on sweets. But I've done some research on this, seriously, Mercedes spend ten million pounds on research alone... every single day! So where's that gonna go?

Jeremy:
Well, exactly, no - and they end up with cars that you might want to buy. Now, I can't think of anyone I've ever met who thinks, "Yes, my life would be complete if I could buy an eleven-year-old sports car that's made in China and then nailed together by a bunch of blokes in Birmingham."

James:
What you're forgetting is the, is the great affection that is felt all over the world for the traditional Blitish sports car.

Jeremy:
Hey, now, talking of getting in touch, we have a number of people after last week's show got in touch to complain.

Richard:
They did.

Jeremy:
We had... well, I said something about a Muslim, OK? Two complaints. Remember Jesus came last week and, I talked to Him? Three complaints. We were slightly rude about caravans...

Richard:
Yeah, we sort of set one on fire a bit.

Jeremy:
A hundred and fifty complaints. :[Crowd laughs]

Richard:
Seriously.

Jeremy:
A hundred and fifty and lots of people are now demanding an apology.

Richard:
They are. So erm, we really are sorry. And we promise, that we will, all three of us, never ever go caravanning again.

Jeremy:
No! No, no, no! I'm sorry we didn't burn more caravans!

Richard:
You're right, so am I! Yeah. That's true.

[About the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder Convertible]

Jeremy:
There are faults. The steering wheel for instance, is covered in a bath mat. And if you push the seat all the way back, as I have to, it squeaks, against the firewall. Can you hear that? Does that the whole time you're driving along. And, you can never find the seat belt. I DON'T CARE!!!

Jeremy:
You can try to drive it quietly if you want to, but it's impossible, because if you accidentally stray over 3500 rpm you just get this sort of... bark, of that. [Stepping on the gas] You hear that? Quiet... Bark! AAARRR!

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James:
Yes, it's the Mercedes B-class! Keen students of the alphabet will probably have worked out already that this is one up from the A-class.

[In the Caterham race]

James:
Don't hit it with a hammer!

Jeremy:
Why?

James:
...because that's the tool of a pikey!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] The Stig was now on the M40 and had the hammer down. I, too, had put my hammer down, and picked up a spanner! And something was bound to go wrong.

James:
[voiceover] Meanwhile, down in Oxford, the Stig was revealing something new about himself... he has a bladder!

Richard:
How far from Scotland is Carlisle?

Jeremy:
The nipple is off, the tube is in the hole... I will be needing some pump.

[realizing he installed the driver's seat backwards in the Caterham Challenge]

Jeremy:
How did I do that?

[at the Caterham challenge]

Jeremy:
I am going as the crow flies. I am a Stig.

[on building the Caterham]

Jeremy:
[monotone] Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Boring. Boring. [Hammond attempts to eat the manual.] Dull. Tedious. Annoying. Back-ache. Arm-ache. [Hammond continues trying to destroy the manual] Cramp. Miserable. Hate. James. May.

James:
You should feel it go stiff now.

Jeremy:
Pump, man! Pump! Braking happening?

Richard:
Oh, yeah, that's much better. That's hard.

James:
How hard can it be to build a kit car?

Richard:
Well, as it turns out: very! Because all you did all the way was shout at Jeremy.

Jeremy:
And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head!

Jeremy:
After we'd finished, the people at Caterham put a plaque on our car, can you see that? [We see a plaque reading "Built by Top Gear"] Which has rendered this car absolutely worthless.

Jeremy:
Jiggle it.

Richard:
I'm jiggling like a bugger.

[While racing the Peugeot 207 against the parkour boys]

James:
I'm not going to be beaten by some pre-pubescent teenagers in camouflaged trousers.

[During the news]

Jeremy:
I had a family outing this week, in my Ford GT! Took my son to the Fairford Air Show in Gloucestershire.

Richard:
And?

Jeremy:
It's still there. [laughter] Rev limiter decided that it didn't want to let the engine rev beyond six hundred rpm. Which isn't much.

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
Tonight: Noble's difficult third album comes to our track; the art of being a white van man; and the Suzuki Liana is back with some bloke called Jenson Button!

Richard:
And, then, inside, it's the usual blend of dead animal and rainforest, but with a twist!

[Richard and James are talking about the Rolls-Royce 101EX's ceiling, which has lots of little lights on that look like stars]

Jeremy:
[from across the studio] That is DISGUSTING!

Richard:
Oh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!

Jeremy:
This, if they ever put it into production, and if it has all this stuff on it, will have to be called the Rolls-Royce Vulgarsonic.

Jeremy:
[To Richard] I've just had a really good idea! Why don't you shut up? And why don't you tell the all the ladies and gentlemen, with your Tippex teeth, about the car that you've been driving that I haven't.

Richard:
Now, the previous Noble, the M12, was a real "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" punch in the back.

Richard:
If I was in a TVR, now, the indicators would be on the ceiling and the switches would be made of kryptonite and the doors would open inwards on a dodecahedral hinge. But no! If I pull up in a Noble, the door is just a door, that opens sort of... doorishly!

[on the Stig]

Richard:
Some say that his first name really is "The," and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the camera men. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jenson Button:
I like to enjoy myself as we all do.

Jeremy:
[interrupting] So you get a lot of sex.

Jenson:
Probably more than you, Jeremy, yes.

Jeremy:
Next up, James Kray.

Jeremy:
Richard really did have a size problem, and his van was pretty small as well.

Jeremy:
[upon seeing the size of the van James had bought] James, are you filming with us today or are you moving house?

Jeremy:
Who's got the fastest van?

Jeremy:
I'm no match for Hamster; look at his postage stamp go!

Richard:
[voiceover] James was having problems with his illegal immigrant. So, he decided to employ him.

Jeremy:
[upon being unable to break into Richard's Suzuki Super Carry] Why don't you just pick the van up and put it in your pocket?

[Hammond has just flipped his Suzuki Super Carry.]

Jeremy:
So, um, I guess he could be dead!

James:
Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...

Jeremy:
Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...

Richard:
I may have... have overcooked that a bit.

Jeremy:
...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"

Richard:
[to Clarkson] You've done this before, anyway.

Jeremy:
Yes I have. It didn't go well.

Richard:
How "not well"?

Jeremy:
Well, I took the roof off and then the whole car split in half.

Richard:
Y'see, that's very "not well" indeed.

[after Richard loses the car vs. jet-powered kayak challenge]

Jeremy:
Very important message there...somewhere. Anyway, it's time to move on...

[on the dashboard of the Volkswagen Fox]

Richard:
It must take more work to make something look, this boring! And the plastic [taps dashboard], well you know that stuff holds your chocolates in place in a box of Milk Tray? [gestures to dashboard] Yeah.

Richard:
I don't know if I've mentioned this but the parcel shelf in this, is made out of pineapples. Don't know if that'll help.

Jeremy:
[voiceover] So we weren't looking forward to our holiday and if I'm honest we weren't enjoying the journey that much either.

James:
We've done fifty-two miles.

Richard:
That's it?

James:
Yeah.

Jeremy:
We've been on the road for three and a quarter hours and you've done fifty-two miles? You had my hand up.

James:
No, you put your hand next to the gear stick, I've got to change gear.

Jeremy:
There's no way...

Richard:
[interrupting] STOP FIGHTING IN THE FRONT! We've got a long way to go!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] It was getting claustrophobic in the Kia, but because we were caravanning, we could do what caravanners do: pull over at the side of the road and have a spot of lunch. [cut to the trio eating lunch at the side of the motorway]

Jeremy:
[sarcastically] Tell you what, this is peaceful!

Richard:
[to Jeremy] Pork pie?

Jeremy:
What?

Richard:
PORK PIE!

[The trio are departing a petrol station, having pulled in to clean up after Top Gear Dog]

Jeremy:
The dog's not gonna be sick again, is it? The smell's not good.

Richard:
No, I don't... I just don't want to...

[There is a loud crashing sound, and the car suddenly jerks to a halt]

Jeremy:
What the hell?!

Richard:
That's bad.

[James gets out, followed by Jeremy and Richard, and they see that the caravan has crashed into a metal bollard]

Jeremy:
You...!

Richard:
It's pretty poor, mate. It's pretty poor.

Jeremy:
Caravanning, James. Something you were looking forward to.

Richard:
Well, let's watch it come off. [James gets in the car, and starts reversing, causing even more damage to the caravan] Back. SLOWLY! SLOWLY! Back!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Our caravanning trip wasn't going well. In fact, it was even starting to strain the bonds of our friendship. ["James May mobile number 07848 687959" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]

Jeremy:
[to the camera while James looks through the tool cabinet] All he's done, all morning.. he files. He takes stuff out and then puts it back and files it where it's supposed to be. James!

James:
What?

Jeremy:
Stop filing!

James:
[losing patience] I'm looking for the sodding socket thing that you need to take that out. Do you know where it is? Do you know where it is?

Jeremy:
No! No!

James:
Do you know what it looks like?

Jeremy:
Yes!

James:
No, you don't!