Victorious, Season 2

Robbie:
Like the wolf-

Rex:
She walks alone.

Robbie:
[howls]

Rex:
Off-key!

Quartet:
[singing] Hey hey, Tori Vega! Won't you be our very special-

Tori:
NO!

Quartet:
[disappointed then go after Andre] Hey hey, Andre Harris!

Andre:
 NO!

Tori:
(happy) Hey!

Andre:
Whoa, somebody's all happy about something.

Jade:
Yeah, it's making me sick.

Robbie:
Hey, um, is there a reason that girls don't wanna go out with me?

Tori:
You mean, like, one reason that stands out over all the other reasons?

Rex:
Ha!

Robbie:
(after a pause, aggravated) So why are you happy?

Tori:
Because Ryder Daniels asked me out.

Rex:
Ooh, he's hot! (they all stare at him) Stare all you want, I'm secure.

Jade:
I don't trust that Ryder guy.

Tori:
You just hate the idea of anything good happening for me.

Jade:
That could not be more true. (pause) I'm just saying, any dude that hot and that perfect has to be hiding something.

Andre:
So I guess you think Beck is hiding something.

Jade:
Oh, he was until I found out.

Beck:
Wha-what was I hiding?

Jade:
That you were born in CANADA! [leaves]

Beck:
[goes after her] It wasn't a secret!

Trina:
Sorry. My butt's gotta breathe.

Tori:
Did that bush just waddle? (opens the door and walks outside) ROBBIE SHAPIRO!

Robbie:
(from behind the bush) Yes?

Tori:
You were invading my privacy!

Robbie:
Well at least I didn't snoop through Ryder's phone.

Tori:
(in a "go away" tone) EAHHHHHHHHH!

Robbie:
Eahhhh! (leaves)

Tori:
WHOA! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Ryder:
What?

Tori:
Are you about to kiss me?

Rider:
Yeah.

Tori:
(cheerfully) Okay. (they do, and she leans on a button on her computer that sets off music) Sorry!

Ryder:
It's cool.

Tori:
Did I bite your lip?

Ryder:
Little bit.

Jade:
You must feel pretty stupid right now.

Beck:
Okay, that's a time out.

Jade:
No! I was just trying to-

Beck:
Go sit on the steps! (she does)

Tori:
So what do I do now?

Andre:
Well, you're not still gonna sing a duet with that jerk, right?

Tori:
Ugh. No way!

Beck:
Good. So he'll fail.

Tori:
Yeah, but I don't want to fail too!

Andre:
So, what are you gonna sing?

Tori:
(starts to come to her senses) A song...a really cool song that you're gonna help me write, tonight!

Andre:
I can't!

Tori:
You have to!

Andre:
But I gotta- (the others all interrupt as he tries to speak) ALRIGHT! I'll just celebrate my 97-year old great grandpa's birthday with him next year. Possibly! (he walks up to the piano) Well, come on!

Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap:
Sometimes it's nice to forgive people. And other times, REVENGE ROCKS. FEELING: Feisty

Asian guy:
So, congrats, man!

Ryder:
On what?

Asian guy:
I hear you're going out with Tori!

Ryder:
Huh. Yeah, for like five more minutes! (hands him some peanut-like balls) Then you can have her.

Asian guy:
Really? (follows him)

Tori:
[on the song she's about to sing] Just listen. I think you'll hate it.

Quartet:
[to Ryder, after Tori sings] You just got burned.

Andre:
Just tell us where the girl is.

Beck:
I told you, I DON'T KNOW!

Cat:
Okay, if you don't know, you don't know. [slaps Beck hard then grabs his shirt] NOW DO YOU KNOW?!

Beck:
Hey, man! Get your partner off me!

Andre:
You better tell her what she wants to know. [licks a lollipop]

Cat:
You got three seconds to talk.

Beck:
I-I-I don't know. I-

(Cat slaps him again)

Beck:
She's in my basement! [Cat lets go of him] She's in my basement. [gets on his knees and cries]

Sikowitz:
Boring.

[The students turns to Sikowitz]

Andre:
That was boring?

Sikowitz:
[gets up] Yeah, it was all too predictable. There were no, [puts on a shocked face] AHH, surprises.

Jade:
I enjoyed the slapping.

Sikowitz:
See, entertainment is so much so entertaining, when the characters do something the audience doesn't expect.

Robbie:
I don't get what you're trying to say here.

Rex:
You've bewildered everybody.

[The students begins to talk all at once.]

Sikowitz:
All right, okay, maybe I'm wrong. Let's move on the something else. [Cat, Beck and Andre sit back down] Let's talk about our hopes and dreams. [points to Tori] Tori.

Tori:
[points to Sikowitz] Sikowitz.

Sikowitz:
What's your biggest hope and/or dream? [smiles at her]

Tori:
Uh...probably to be a pop star. A really successful singer.

Sikowitz:
[laughs insanely]

Tori:
[laughs nervously with him] What?

Sikowitz:
Oh, well, maybe you could sing at weddings for the hearing impaired. [continues laughing]

[The students looks at Sikowitz in shock.]

Jade:
Okay, this is the most fun class ever.

Tori:
[sad] You really don't think I can make it as a singer?

Sikowitz:
Nope. HA! You see? You're all staring at me with rapt attention. Why? Because, as a teacher, you expect me to encourage my students not puke on their dreams. Right?

[The students agree]

Tori:
Uh huh.

Sikowitz:
This is what I'm trying to explain. When characters do the unexpected- [falls suddenly] audiences pay attention.

Tori:
Oh, I have a headache.

[The bell rings.]

Sikowitz:
That's lunchtime. Get out.

[The students get up and leave.]

Rex:
Hey, Jade. That's a nice new sweater.

Jade:
Thanks. It's made out of puppet hair.

Rex:
Dang, woman.

Cat:
Hey. Look at the new costume I made. Can you guess who I am?

Beck:
No.

Andre:
You're uh, Little Boy Poop.

Cat:
Little Bo Peep. Alright, can I tell you guys how much I'm loving my new costume design class?

Andre and Beck:
Uh...

Cat:
And my teacher says I have a gift for knowing people's exact measurements.

Robbie:
Hey, peepolinis!!

Jade:
I'm not with him.

Cat:
[to Robbie] Hey, Robbie, do you want me to tell you what size pants you are?

Robbie:
I already know. They're a size four.

(Cat laughs)

Jade:
Size four?

Cat:
That's how they measure girls' pants.

Robbie:
What? Rex, you promised me these were boy jeans.

Rex:
Heh heh heh. You've been Rexed.

Tori:
Hey. Will you guys take a look at my headshot and resume?

Andre:
Sure. Why?

Tori:
Sikowitz got me an audition for a movie.

Jade:
I don't care.

Andre:
You look twelve in this pic.

Tori:
Well that was the last time I got shot by a professional photographer.

Cat:
My brother got shot by a clown.

Andre:
Why?

Cat:
Because my brother kept poking him and saying "What you gonna do about it, clown? Huh?" (pause) It happened on a bus.

Jade:
(pulls out a coloring book and crayons) Cat, color the tiger.

Cat:
Yay, crayons!

Tori:
Well, now I have to find a professional photographer.

(Sinjin walks over)

Sinjin:
Did someone say she needs a professional photographer?

Tori:
Yeah, you know one?

Sinjin:
Nope. (walks off again)

Robbie:
Yeah, I don't seem so weird anymore, do I?

Rex:
What did you say, Girl Pants?

Andre:
Alright, you gotta work on this resume.

Tori:
Why, what's wrong with it?

Robbie:
You only have one play on there.

Tori:
Well, that's all I've been in.

Andre:
So? Just say you've acted in more stuff.

Tori:
Lie?

Jade:
Yes!

Beck:
Well, it's not really lying...

Rex:
It's exaggerating!

Cat:
Did I mention the clown was my cousin Jesse?

Jade:
[sternly] Color the pretty tiger.

Tori:
So, back to my resume...

Andre:
You gotta have more things under special skills.

Jade:
Yeah, you put bike riding as a special skill. Who can't ride a bike?

Rex:
Take a guess.

Robbie:
(puts hand over Rex's mouth) Can you keep any secret?

Tori:
So what "special skills" should I add?

Andre:
Gymnastics.

Beck:
Martial arts.

Robbie:
Skydiving.

Jade:
Flirtatious hair flipping.

Tori:
Okay, I do not flip my hair flirtatiously!

Jade:
Oh, and this doesn't seem familiar? [Imitating Tori] Why, hello, boys! My name is Tori Vega! Buy me some licorice and I'll give you a kiss!

Tori:
I talk NOTHING like that. (to the rest of the gang) Seriously, do I talk anything like that? (the others all imitate Tori at the same time. Tori puts a picture of herself in front of her face)

Tori:
So I said ok.

Sikowitz:
Really? I had no idea you did stunt work.

Tori:
I don't! I'm not a stunt double!

Sikowitz:
Then why'd you accept the job?

Tori:
I don't know. Because I'm stupid?

Jade:
I've been telling you people she's stupid, but did anyone believe me?

Andre:
Alright, wait. Why did they even offer you a job as a stunt double?

Tori:
Because of my resume? Under "special skills" I put gymnastics and karate, and that made them think I could do stunts.

Jade:
See, you should never lie on your resume. (Tori gives her a dirty look) Well, that's not a pretty face.

Tori:
Bye. Thank you, monkeys! WHOO!

Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap:
Well, I now have a BOOT PRINT on MY RIGHT KIDNEY. Thank you, Jade. FEELING SORE

Rex:
Wait, who got bit by monkeys?

Tori:
The director's kid.

Rex:
Did he taunt the monkeys?

(Beck and Jade chuckle)

Tori:
And what if I end up in the hospital?

Jade:
(Imitating Tori) Well maybe you'll meet a handsome young doctor, get married and share a soda pop!

Tori:
I DON'T talk like a movie star from the 1940s!

Andre:
[to Tori] Come on, now there's not gonna be a funeral.

Cat:
Aw.

Andre:
We're all gonna come down to set, keep you cool, watch you land safe and sound, right on that air sack.

(Tori smiles)

Andre:
Unless you miss it! [laughs]

(Tori frowns)

Andre :
I don't think you'll miss it.

Robbie:
Peeminder?

Rex:
You should download that.

Jade:
Yeah you should.

Jade:
(deadpan) Yay, Cat made another costume.

Cat:
I'm Cat, International Spy! (makes gun noises with her finger, then points to it) It's not real.

Tori:
Beck? Beck?

Beck:
(Enters, wearing a wig and Tori's dress and speaks in a high-pitched voice) Yes?

Tori:
Beck?

Beck:
I'm not Beck. I'm you.

Jade:
[After pushing Tori of the balcony, in a southern belle accent] You're ever so welcome!

Tori:
I don't talk like that!!!

Robbie:
Cat! Cat, come on. You can't be mad at me over something that I did in your dream.

Cat:
It's what you didn't do.

Robbie:
Well, would you at least tell me what I didn't do?

Cat:
Fine! These little kids were trying to eat us, and you wouldn't even try to help me! You were just crying and yelling "No, no! Don't eat me! Eat her, eat her!"

Robbie:
Well, I'm sorry. And if a bunch of little kids ever really do try to eat us, I promise to...well, why shouldn't they eat you first?

(Andre and Tori sit down)

Cat:
Robbie!

Robbie:
I wanna live! There's things I've never tried! There's things I really, really, really wanna do!

Tori:
What do you really, really, really wanna do?

Robbie:
Ride a pony. Take a cooking class. (Robbie pauses, embarassed) Other things.

Cat:
Robbie let a bunch of little kids eat me.

Robbie:
It's not my fault if dream children find you delicious!

Jade:
I'm sick of this. Ice cream reminds me of my childhood.

Cat:
You didn't have a happy childhood?

Jade:
My favorite toy was a hammer. You finish the puzzle.

Beck:
(aside, to Jade) You know, you don't have to help.

Jade:
Don't push me.

Beck:
What?

Tori:
But, if we win and Kesha does do a private concert, only the people who help find the letters get to come.

Jade:
[Imitating Tori] Only the people who help find the letters get to come!

Tori:
I don't talk like that!

Jade:
Ooh, you don't look happy.

Tori:
I'm not!

Jade:
Yay!

Beck:
Trina giving you a rough time?

Tori:
Yes! Do you know she sleep sweats?

Jade:
Sleep sweats?

Tori:
Yeah, she made me go into her room last night every two hours, with a sponge, lift her arms, and then -

Trina:
Tori! Hey, answer my phone!

Tori:
What? I don't wanna!

Jade:
You're her assistant, so do what she says.

Trina:
Thank you, Jade. [touches Jade's arm]

Jade:
Never touch me.

Tori:
(after she finds out the contest is stil on) I can still win the contest!

Sinjin:
Run for it, Tori! Run straight home and don't stop until you get there!

(Robbie is carrying a bucket of ice cream)

Tori:
Hey, where you going?

Robbie:
I don't think we should waste all this ice cream, so I'm gonna take it to that playground around the corner and give it to some little kids.

Beck:
Uh, I don't know how kids mothers are gonna feel about a strange guy handing out-

Jade:
(aside, to Beck) Let him do it.

Beck:
(to Jade) No, that'd be just terrible, you're a terrible influence-

Jade:
Just let him do it! He's gonna do it!

Beck:
(to Robbie) Good luck!

(Robbie walks into Tori's house looking beaten)

Tori:
Robbie, what happened?

Robbie:
I went to the playground, I got off my bike, I yelled "Hey, kids, who wants some free ice cream?" And then their mothers chased me into an alley and beat me with sticks!

Cat:
Sticks? (Jade chuckles)

Robbie:
One big mom stepped on my neck!

Jade:
Ya gotta love big moms.

(everyone is at Tori's looking for letters)

Beck:
K!

Jade:
A!

Tori:
A!

Beck:
A!

Cat:
H!

Rex:
K!

Tori:
Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait. Cat, what'd you say?

Cat:
When?

Tori:
Just a second ago.

Cat:
(pause) I said "when."

Tori:
No! Before that.

Cat:
Oh, I said "H".

Tori:
H!

Andre:
H? Yes! (everybody runs to Cat)

Robbie:
She's got it! She got the H!

Cat:
(laughs) I feel so loved!

Beck:
(enters) Hey.

Andre:
Where's the ice cream?

Tori:
Yeah. Didn't you get some more?

Beck:
Nope. Check Ke$ha's last update. (Tori, Andre, Jade and Cat grab their phones)

Tori:
(reads the update) "Congrats to the dude in Northridge who found all the letters and spelled out Ke$ha. Thanks for playing. Ke$ha later."

Andre:
Contest over.

Jade:
Great! I spent nine hours of my life violating pints of ice cream for nothing!

Robbie:
While I got stick beat by vicious mothers!

Tori:
(sadly) I hate everything.

Cat:
(stands up) Well... (goes to Tori) ...don't be sad.

Tori:
I AM SAD! Cause I didn't marry a prince and I don't live in a magic sugar castle, and now, we can't win the Ke$ha concert which means that I gotta keep being Trina's stupid assistant for 28 more days!

Cat:
That's so sad.

Andre:
Come on. That's okay! Maybe...maybe Trina will just forget about it.

Andre:
I need "e$h" real bad.

Tori:
I need the S!! [starts whimpering on Andre's shoulder] Where is the S!!

Andre:
[hugging Tori] I don't know baby, I just don't know

(the kid at the store gives his conditions for giving them the "$")

Kid:
(pointing at Tori) I want to kiss you.

Tori:
What?

Kid:
(pointing at Cat) And her.

(Cat giggles)

Kid:
(pointing at Jade) And the freaky one.

Jade:
What?

Andre:
You better stop there.

Trina:
Ke$ha, wait!

Ke$ha:
No, you're weird.

Tori:
[stops Trina] Trina! Ke$ha, I am so sorry about her.

Ke$ha:
Is she your sister?

Tori:
Yeah.

Ke$ha:
I'm sorry for you.

Tori:
Everyone is.

Ke$ha:
[touches Tori's cheek] Are those real cheekbones?

Tori:
Yeah.

Tori:
You made Sinjin tried to trick me so you could get my role?

Jade:
Look, I'm not going to stand here and watch you accuse me of things I clearly did. (walks off)

Tori:
(to Sinjin) You have anything to say to me?

Sinjin:
Teach me to dance.

Tori:
NO!

Jade:
I'm playing Susie, right?

(Sikowitz hems and haws, then runs from the room. Jade picks up the paper with the roles)

Cat:
Did you get the lead?

(Jade crumples paper and kicks a chair)

Andre:
I don't think she got it.

Robbie:
So, who's playing Susie?

Tori:
(uncrumples paper) Me.

Jade:
Yeah. Her. That! She got the lead!

Cat:
What part did you get?

Jade:
I got cheated and humiliated!

Sinjin:
You get used to it. (Robbie nods)

Andre:
Alright, chill down. Let's see. It says right here, "Jade West, understudy for the role of Susie".

Jade:
Oh, yee hoo. Like it's my dream to be Tori's understudy.

Tori:
What's an understudy?

Jade:
Aw, man! (throws cup against the wall)

Robbie:
An understudy is like a backup actor.

Andre:
So if you get sick or something, your understudy takes over for your part in the play.

Jade:
Yeah, if you get sick, or go missing, or GET HIT BY A BUS! [storms out]

Tori:
[nervous] Uh...she can't drive a bus, can she?

Cat:
One time my brother painted part of his body purple.

Robbie:
Why did your brother paint part of his body purple?

Cat:
He had a job interview...(smiles) He didn't get it.

Rex:
There's a car parked in Robbie's butt!

Robbie:
Quit saying that!

Doctor:
(to Jade) Are you his girlfriend?

Jade:
No, are you?

Trina:
That is some juicy coughing and hacking.

Tori:
Get out!

Jade:
NO! I'm leaving. [leaves]

Tori:
Oh, and uh, Robbie?

Robbie:
Yeah?

Tori:
...Spongebob underwear? [Robbie covers his abdomen in embarassment]

Jade:
I'll go get her dress off.

Sikowitz:
Nooooooo. (grabs her and holds her back)

Jade:
She can't play the role and i'm the understudy!

Sikowitz:
I don't care; you've been acting like a gank all week. I'm not going to reward you by letting you play the lead!

Jade:
There's an audience out there! This show must go on!

Sikowitz:
...Yes. Yes it must. And must, it shall!

Tori:
I'm O negative? You did go through my medical records.

Jade:
[Imitating Tori] Told you I do my research.

Tori:
Are you done with your little sabotage game?

Jade:
[Imitating Tori] Done with what little sabotage game?

Trina:
I am gonna win, right?

Sinjin:
It hurts that you doubt me.

Cat:
[looking at Andre kissing his girlfriend] Whoa, daddy.

Cat:
It's raining!

Tori:
I know.

Cat:
Should we stop?

Andre:
Or do you want to keep going?

Tori:
Oh he's coming! Don't let him know we were watching...

Andre:
What's up?

Tori:
Nothing.

Jade:
Not a thing.

Cat:
We were not watching you kiss that girl!

Tori:
SINJIN, DO NOT LICK THE BALLOONS!!!

Sherry:
People are mad! There's no band, there was a freaky video...

Andre:
And Doug's diaper doesn't fit him too well.

Cat:
He says he got you the power drill, the clown costume and 12 gallons of blood

Jade:
Wow! Where did he get 12 gallons of fake blood?

Cat:
You wanted fake blood? I'll go call my brother.

Doug:
I sing, I dance, I pee my pants! I'm Doug the Diaper Guy!

Tori Are you gonna stop?

Jade:
(looks at soda can) Nah, I'm still pretty thirsty.

(Tori takes Jade's drink)

Jade:
Give it back!

Tori:
Yeah, sure. (licks the top of it, then gives it back) Here.

Jade:
Thanks. (drinks from it) Ahhh...

Tori:
What, no. I didn't call and cancel the band!

Jade:
[Imitating Tori] Uh oh. Looks like Tori Vega's prom has turned into one big boopity boo.

Jade:
Oh, hey, I just wanted to remind you guys that I'm going away to Cancun with Beck's family for semester break and you guys have nothing fun to do.

(Beck is dragging Jade into Sikowitz's classroom)

Beck:
C'mon!

Jade No, I don't wanna ask her! No!

Beck:
We'll both ask her.

Tori:
What's goin' on?

Beck:
My aunt says we can't go to Cancun.

Tori:
Aw, how come?

Beck:
She found out I was bringing Jade.

Sikowitz:
Hah!

Beck:
So we hear some of you guys are going to Yerba?

Tori:
Yes. Yes, we are. Would you like to go to Yerba with us, Beck?

Beck:
That'd be great, thanks!

(Tori and Beck look at Jade)

Tori:
Jade, do you have a question for me?

Jade:
(turns her head away, clearly humiliated) May I come to Yerba?

Tori:
Hmmm...maybe. But first...gotta give me a hug! (Jade hesitates) C'mon, c'mon. Just do it! (they hug) See, giving Tori a big ol' hug isn't such a bad thing. (Jade begins to squeeze tighter) Ok, that's really tight. (they fall to the ground) Oh, god, help me!

Trina:
I'm never playing mini golf with you guys again!

Holly:
Promise?!

Tori:
What happened?

Holly:
Trina missed a putt, so she got upset and threw a golf club at her father!

Trina:
NO, I threw the golf club and Dad just stood there and let it hit him!

David:
(comes in with a bruised nose) Well...that was fun...

Andre:
[after seeing the hotel] This dump is our hotel?

Beck:
Our friend is hallucinating!

Tori:
An escaped prisoner crashed through our window and was dragged out by Yerbian soldiers!

Cat:
And our bed is lumpy.

Jade:
...Okay. So before you booked our trip here, you forgot to find out that this is the WORST country on Earth?!

Tori:
Yeah.

Sikowitz:
Jade, don't be such a Crabby Cathy.

Jade:
I have every right to be a Crabby Cat- (they look over at Beck being fawned on by the local girls) Uh, Crabby Cathy is about to get a little bit crabbier.

(Beck shrugs)

Cat:
I think those girls like Beck's fluffy American hair.

Jade:
Clearly. (she advances) Hey! Get your hands off my boyfriend's head!

(The girls hiss at her, she hisses back, and they run frightened)

Jade:
You're really gonna let your screechbox of a sister sing with us?

Tori:
The guys are gonna keep her mic turned off.

Jade:
(imitating Tori) "Oh, that's swell news!" (walks off)

Tori:
I DON'T talk like that!

Jade:
Whatever.

Tori:
...Do I talk like that? (in the same voice) DO I TALK LIKE THAT? No, I don't talk like that.

Chancellor:
ADMIT you did this to me on porpoise.

Tori:
No! It was just a shoe malfunction!

Chancellor:
ADMIT you did this on PORPOISE, and your punishment will be not as bad.

Tori:
BUT I DIDN'T DO IT ON PORPOISE!

Tori:
Uh...go fish. (gets hit by a stick that one of the prisoners playing with her is holding, and falls to the ground. She then gets back up) ...Okay, that is not how we play Go Fish in America!

Jade:
Ok, so you're telling me that freak show is a girl?

Prisoner:
What are you looking at?

Jade:
I'm looking at a big stupid lady in prison, what are you looking at?

Prisoner:
Grrr!

Jade:
Ohhhh...me make big man-lady mad. (prisoner bangs stick against the fence and walks away) Oooh, good one! Hey, call me, we'll go skirt shopping!

Tori:
Must you aggravate my fellow prisoners?

Jade:
Yes, I must.

Andre:
Man, eating salt is gross!

Tori:
Not as gross as the prison food they make us eat in here!

Cat:
One time, when my brother was in prison, he told the people in charge he was a vegetarian so they gave him special meals. (Tori looks weirded out) Oh wait, that was on an airplane.

Trina:
Large scary lady coming toward us! Large scary lady coming!

Tori:
Great! It's the one you called big and stupid the other day!

Jade:
Whatever. I'm not scared of this chick.

Prisoner:
So, do I still look big and stupid?

Jade:
Alright, listen, hot stuff. You better just turn yourself around and walk away from me or- (prisoner shoves Jade to the ground) I like it on the ground.

(Prisoner picks up stick and raises it to hit Jade:

Trina:
Uh, Tori, Tori!

(Tori stops prisoner and speaks to her in Yerbian)

Tori:
She's my friend.

Jade:
Yeah, yeah, we're super close.

Prisoner:
(puts stick under Jade's chin) You are lucky. (says something in Yerbian, drops the stick and walks away)

Jade:
I didn't need your help.

Tori:
She would have eaten you!

Jade:
She wouldn't have liked it. (Cat walks over)

Cat:
Hi! Ew, Jade, you're outfit's all dirty.

Jade:
(sarcastically) Oh, no, now I'll never win the prison beauty pageant!

Trina:
Wait, they have that?

Andre:
Beck?

Beck:
Yeah?

Andre:
I'm kinda scared.

Beck:
We'll be okay.

Andre:
Yeah, but what if we don't get out of here? How are we supposed to- (notices some guys offscreen) ...What are those guys about to do?

Beck:
I think they're gonna throw rocks at us. (he and Andre run off screen as the rocks are thrown and hit the wall)

Andre:
(runs back on screen) HEY! WE TOLD YOU WE DIDN'T WANT TO PLAY ROCKS! (runs as two more are thrown at him)

Andre:
We're gonna die!

Beck:
Don't act scared.

Andre:
I'm not acting. (the prisoners step closer)

Big prisoner:
(to Beck) YOU!

Beck:
Me?

Big prisoner:
HOW YOU MAKE YOUR HAIR SO...FLUFFY?

Smaller prisoner:
TELL US!

Andre:
Tell 'em, man! J-j-just tell 'em what they want to know!

Beck:
Okay. Well, it all starts with a quality shampoo and conditioner.

Chancellor:
Now TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME!

Officers:
Yes, chancellor! (they salute, then do nothing for a few seconds)

Judge:
NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Officers:
Oh, now. Okay, sure. (they take Tori out of the room)

Sgrodis:
Hello bodys! Who wants mushroom?

Tori:
: No one!

Cat:
I love mushrooms!

Tori:
Cat!

Cat:
I hate mushrooms?

Sikowitz:
Wait! Who's that guy?

Tori:
He's...a woman.

Sikowitz:
Dear Ghandi! (runs into the duck truck, and the episode ends as the truck takes off and passes by a pavement that reads "NO ESCAPING" while the gang cheers)

Tori:
Okay, well. I'm going home now. Forever.

Beck:
No. You're not leaving this school.

Jade:
She has to. [Everyone stares at her] I mean, I feel really bad about it. Seriously, but you know. Bye.

Tori:
[to Jade] I think I'll miss you least of all.

Tori:
[to her friends] You guys, I don't want to be alone when I tell Trina that she-[Everyone walks away from Tori]

Helen:
And I thought Crazy Steve was crazy.

[After Trina kicks the dummy in the gongs]

Andre:
You better put some ice on that!

Sikowitz:
Hello. Your attention please. Up here. I'm waving. See my hand moving to and fro. Please.

Jade:
[stands up and yells aggressively] Everybody shut up!

Sikowitz:
Ahh Jade, so sweet and feminine.

Tori:
Wait, who are you?

Helen:
My name is Helen. I'm the new principal of Hollywood Arts.

Tori:
[to Robbie] You shouldn't park your bike there.

Sikowitz:
Alright, Tori and Jade. You two are going to play husband and wife.

Tori:
I'll be the wife.

Jade:
Yeah, no kidding.

Sikowitz:
Now, here's your brand new synthetically redheaded baby! (turns chair to show Cat in a baby bonnet)

Cat:
Wait, before we start, I was just wondering, I have three quest-(Sikowitz puts pacifier in her mouth)

Sikowitz:
All right, your dialogue should be all friendly and happy, but your subtext is anger, so you must say your happy lines angrily. Action!

Tori:
Hey, I am so honkin' happy that we got married and had this cute little baby!

Jade:
Ditto to that! I tell you, nothing warms my cockles more than lookin' at this magical pile of baby here!

Cat:
Goo!

Tori:
How's Trina?

Andre:
Is she alright?

Cat:
How's the ranch house?

Lane:
Trina's banged up but she's going to be fine. Nothing serious.

Sinjin:
Well done, Foon Yee.

Lane:
You're all suspects.

Rex:
Awww, not again.

Tori:
Suspects?

Andre:
For what happened to Trina?

Lane:
(nods) Uh huh.

Cat:
But that was an accident.

Jade:
Yup. A terrible hilarious accident. That already has seventeen-hundred views!

Lane:
Posting videos of people's tragedies is just mean and wrong.

Jade:
Yeah. No, thanks, I really appreciate your input on that.

(Jade giggles while watching her phone)

Cat:
What's so funny?

Tori:
Are you laughing at that video of Trina getting hurt?

Jade:
No...I'm laughing at the comments.

Tori:
You posted it online?

Jade:
A little bit.

Robbie:
Why'd you cast Trina as the lead girl?

Tori:
I didn't want to. You know my Cuddly Cathy doll that I love and I've had since I was five years old?

Andre:
Nah, I don't know what you're talking about.

Robbie:
No, you've never mentioned it.

Tori:
Oh. Well, Trina kidnapped her, and she wouldn't give her back unless-

Robbie:
Unless you gave Trina the lead.

Tori:
Yep.

Andre:
That's jacked up.

Robbie:
Yeah, but don't you think you're a little old to be playing with dolls?

Rex:
Right!

Robbie:
I know!

Rex:
Hey, Trina.

Trina:
What?

Rex:
You wanna know my two favorite things about you? (Trina slaps him)

Robbie:
Trina!

Rex:
You don't know what I was gonna say!

Trina:
Shut it, puppet!

(Tori tells her version)

Tori:
Ok, it was about twenty minutes before the play. I heard Jade come in, yelling for Robbie.

Jade:
(bursts in, as a monster) Blearrrrgh!!! Robbie!!! Me want Robbie, blearrgh!!!

Robbie:
Ok, hold on. Hold on! There is another person that had a reason to get back at Trina.

Andre:
Well, it's not me! All I wanna do is go play with Kiko!

Lane:
Who else had a motive to get back at Trina?

Robbie:
Cat.

(everyone looks at Cat)

Cat:
Hi!

Tori:
Cat?

Cat:
Whatie?

Jade:
Did you cut Trina's harness gimbel?

Cat:
No, why would I want to hurt Trina?

Robbie:
Cause of what happened between you two right before the play started.

Lane:
Well, um...

Andre:
Aw no, no! Now we gotta hear another version of the story from a unique point of view? (buries his head in a pillow on the couch and cries)

Robbie:
Ok, um, it was an unusually windy day here in Los Angeles...

Tori:
Get to the point.

Robbie:
Ok, um, Tori had just accidentally whacked Sinjin in the jaw. And right about then Cat was helping me with my costume and feeling my muscles when Trina walked by and said...

Trina:
(during Robbie's flashback) Hey Robbie, why don't you come backstage with me and help me do my makeup? Or whatever?

Robbie:
You make me happy.

Cat:
(to Trina) Why don't you just get outta here?

Trina:
Why don't you?

Robbie:
Ladies, come on now. Look, there's one of me, two of you, (puts his arm around both) and seven swinging days of the week.

Cat:
He even makes math hot.

Trina:
Robbie's mine!

Cat:
He loves me!

(Trina hits Cat)

Cat:
Ow! You thwacked my head! She thwacked my head! I'll get you for that, Trina Vega! I'll get you good!

Andre:
So, none of you people want me to have a pretty girlfriend, is that it? I find myself a Kiko, I make myself a Kiko date, and nobody cares! Well, that's cool. Go on, Cat, tell us what happened. And start from the beginning. Just start with Adam and Eve and go from there!

Tori:
(in Jade's flashback, to Jade after she has violently screamed at Trina and punched Sinjin) Why can't I be pretty like you?

(in Lane's office)

Tori:
That's not even close to how it happened!

Jade:
It's how I remember it.

Tori:
Yeah, 'cause you're demented!

Jade:
Oooohh, so you think I'm pretty and demented?

Tori:
I never said you were pretty. And I never punched Sinjin.

Jade:
But you admit you threatened Trina!

Tori:
No!

Robbie:
Wait, I did kinda hear you tell Trina you were gonna kill her.

(Lane looks at Tori in concern)

Cat:
So did I. But if you're gonna try to kill me, too, then all I heard was pretty music. (Everyone looks at her) La la la la la.........

Jade:
(points to Robbie and Cat) Two witnesses.

Andre:
Come on now, I know Tori and there's no way she'd ever- (phone beeps) Aw, it's Kiko. Tori's guilty, I gotta go!

Lane:
Tell your story, Tori.

Cat:
'Tori's story!' That's so rhymie.

Cat:
(after being told that her flasback is from a Drake & Josh episode) Oh. Then I don't know what happened with Tori and Trina. Can I have some oatmeal?

Rex:
Nobody ever suspects the puppet!

Robbie:
I thought you hated that word!

Rex:
It's okay if I say it.

Jade:
Well, I guess someone should get this on video.

(She records Trina hanging from the wire and the set being destroyed)

Jade:
(to Cat) Thank you for making me come to this play.

Cat:
That poor ranch house!

(Trina is still hanging from the wire then falls to the floor)

Cat:
(hiding her eyes) Please tell me it's over...

(wall falls on Trina)

Jade:
It's over.

Cat:
Don't worry. One time, when my brother was in Vegas, he fell out of a fourth story hotel window and landed on the roof of a shuttle bus.

Tori:
(looking worried) And he was okay?

Cat:
No...

Tori:
Well, but he's okay now?

Cat:
No.. He seriously messed up.

Tori:
Oh, come on! Nobody here would do that to Trina!

Jade:
Except you.

Tori:
What, me?

Jade:
(imitates Tori) "What, me? Why I would never hurt my dear sister Trina. Not me sweet Sally Peaches!" (smiles innocently)

Tori:
I don't TALK LIKE THAT!

Sinjin:
I think Tori broke my jaw!

Jade:
DUN DUN DUN!

Cat:
(singing) La la la la la...

Lane:
And since Trina wasn't seriously hurt, I say we can put this whole incident behind us-

Andre:
KIKO!!! Kiko, ha ha ha! (jumps off the couch and runs out of the room excitedly)

Tori:
(gives a "whatever" type of look)

(Tori and Andre walk in on Beck and Jade text fighting)

Andre:
I wonder what they're text fighting about?

Tori:
Let's ask 'em. Hey, you guys-

Beck:
Stay out of it!

Jade:
Back off!

Tori:
(to Andre) I'd rather not get involved.

Andre:
I think that's best.

Tori:
Oh, come on, for his ten year teaching anniversary you guys don't think he deserves a better present than a one cup coffe maker?

Rex:
They should have got him a pair of shoes. I'm tired of looking at that hippy's hairy feet.

Robbie:
I think Sikowitz has cute feet.

Rex:
Man, Sikowitz is ten minutes late.

Tori:
Where is he?

Jade:
Maybe he locked himself in a dark closet because you forced him to watch a play that made his whole life seem like a big pile of garbage. (pause) And I'm gonnna have a banana. (takes one)

Tori:
You know, why don't I just lie on the floor so you can start kicking me?

Jade:
...You have that dream, too?

(Tori, Andre, Robbie and Trina are sitting in a semi circle at the table, with a seat left open)

Andre:
How come none of us ever sit on that side of the table? (they all stare at the empty seat)

Sikowitz:
Tori. And, um...Elvis. Get up on the, uh...stage thing.

Tori:
Kay...

Beck:
Sure. (they do)

Tori:
Alright. What'cha uh, want us to do?

Sikowitz:
Um...a scene. You both have the same line. "Life is pain." So, you just keep saying that to each other. Over and over. Do it, action.

Tori:
Life is...pain.

Beck:
(waves) Life is pain.

Sikowitz:
It certainly is, ding, there's the bell, class dismissed. (walks out the window and falls into the bushes)

Jade:
Way to go, Tori. You broke Sikowitz!

Tori:
I did not break Sikowitz. (Sikowitz can be heard moaning) I did not break Sikowitz... (he moans again) ...I broke Sikowitz! (he moans a third time as she puts her hand on her head displeased)

(Sikowitz says something in Spanish)

Tori:
That means 'I forgot to wear underwear'.

Sikowitz:
Are you sure? Because I thought...(checks) Yep, it does.

Tori:
(to bunny) Wanna watch CSI?

Robbie:
Well, I'm awesome at song lyrics.

Rex:
No, he's not. Run! Save yourselves!

Beck:
Jade's not here yet?

Andre:
Um, about Jade...

Beck:
Yeah?

Andre:
Look, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know if she's the right girl to sing my song.

Beck:
Why not?

Andre:
I dunno, I just...she scares me.

Beck:
Jade scares you?

Andre:
She scares everybody.

(Jade bursts into the room with a pair of scissors)

Jade:
I am gonna kill him! (Andre backs off)

Beck:
What happened?

Jade:
Sinjin sat on my new scissors!

Beck:
Ok, calm down-

Jade:
I am not gonna calm down! They're bent! They've lost their sciss! (she throws them across the room and they stick to the wall)

Beck:
(after a pause) You kids have fun.

Tori:
Where'd you get those standees of Cat?

Robbie:
Well, I just...brought 'em from home.

Tori:
Why do you have-

Robbie:
I'm a tutor, and I don't like to talk about things I do at my house!

Tori:
Sorry.

Robbie:
Ok, remember everything we went over?

Tori:
I think so.

Robbie:
Good. Now if you can do this last exercise in under thirty seconds, you should be able to pass your exam, no prob.

Tori:
Does Cat know you have these?

Robbie:
No...and don't tell her!

Tori:
Come on..you were tired, it was almost midnight. You were alone together and you were writing a song..that's an emotional thing! Maybe you just forgot that she's a mean vicious girl with deep psychological problems..

André:
Yeah..maybe I just forgot those things..

Sikowitz:
See? Not so easy to perform a scene when you have a bucket on your head, is it?

Tori:
...No.

André:
It's difficult...

Sikowitz:
Mm.. Yes. Well, class dismissed.

Jade:
But we still have more time.

Sikowitz:
We do? How much?

Robbie:
55 minutes.

Sikowitz:
Oh. Oh! Well, actually I do have something I need to discuss with...some of you. Tori, Cat, Andre, Robbie, Jade, please stay. The rest of you may wander the halls. (everyone leaves except them) Thanks for coming, enjoy your day, I'm here all week. Tip your nurses and clowns. (he shuts the door after they all have left)

Cat:
Why did you make them leave?

Sikowitz:
I don't know...they never talk.

Tori:
... Yeah, they just sit there and, (makes a reaction) 'react'.

Jade:
So what do you want with us?

Sikowitz:
Who likes parades?

Robbie:
Antonio Banderas!

Rex:
Hillbillies!

Jade:
No one!

Sikowitz:
Oh, c'mon, parades are fun!

Cat:
One time my brother was in a parade, but he was inappropriate, so the parade people called the police, and now he's not allowed to be in parades. (pause) Or be near horses.

Jade:
Play with the pretty keys.

Cat:
Kay-kay. (takes the keys and plays with them)

Cat:
Yay, Cupcake Power! Wooo!!!

Jade:
Hey, Cat! Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat. (Cat stops) YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!

Jade:
Give me my keys back. (Cat gives them back) Where's my house key?

(Cat moans)

Tori:
... I'll take her to the nurse.

Cat:
(quietly) I swallowed it.

Tori:
We'll see it again.

Cat:
Okay (sigh)

André:
Okay.

Robbie:
Parade float.

André:
Ideas.

Cat:
What do we have so far?

Tori:
Let's see... Oh, we have two. 'A tribute to the fruits of Mexico', and... 'Need good Idea for float.'

Rex:
What was wrong with my idea?

Tori:
No one wants to see a parade float called 'The Ladies of North Ridge.'

André and Robbie:
Well...

Tori:
Come on, guys, be serious. (Trina enters) You wanna look dumb on national tv?

Trina:
(drops her glass) Who's gonna be on national tv?

Cat:
We're performing in the Parade Parade.

Trina:
I'll do it!

Tori:
Trina...

Trina:
No, seriously, I'll sing or dance, I can just stand on the float right in front and be the pretty girl. I can totally be the pretty girl...

Tori:
Alright, let's put it to a vote. All those-

Andre, Robbie and Cat:
NO!!!

Trina:
Fine! I don't wanna be in it! I wouldn't be in it if you begged me! (Trina storms out and slams door, then opens the door after a pause) Just let me be in it?

Everyone:
No!

Trina:
I don't even wanna be in it! (she runs into Jade on the way out)

Jade:
Your sister just elbowed me in my lung!

Robbie:
I'll get you some ice.

Jade:
Sit down!

Tori:
I'm sorry, did someone invite you here?

Jade:
Beck told me you guys were appearing on national tv?

Tori:
So?

Jade:
And you think you're doing that without me?

Andre:
You stormed out of Sikowitz's class! (Jade advances towards him threateningly) I feel that Jade should be included.

(Beck and Andre are wearing their pajama costumes)

Andre:
We don't wanna wear these!

Cat:
Why don't you guys like your costumes?

Beck; (looks down at his costume in disbelief) W-why?

Cat:
They're candy jammies, they go perfect with our cupcake theme.

Robbie:
Yeah, they do. I think they're rad cool!

Jade:
(sarcastic) Yeah, they look adorable.

Tori:
You know, she wants us all to wear them.

Jade:
(turns to Cat) I will pop your head like a zit.

Cat:
(holds her hands to her head) Graphic.

Cat:
What street are we on?

Rex:
Yeah, what street?

Beck:
Let's just say...it ain't Sesame Street.

Cat:
I love Sesame Street. (starts singing) Sunny--

Jade:
NO!!!

Robbie:
Im gonna go get some help!

Everyone:
Okay

Robbie:
Hey! Hey! Can you help us? we need our tire fixed!

Thug:
We'll fix your tire real good!

Tori:
WHOA! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ryder:
What?

Tori:
Are you about to kiss me?

Rider:
Yeah.

Tori:
(cheerfully) Okay. (they do, and she leans on a button on her computer that sets off music) Sorry!

Ryder:
It's cool.

Tori:
Did I bite your lip?

Ryder:
Little bit.

(the gang with the exception of Robbie and Rex are at the convenience store searching for the "$" to finish spelling "Ke$ha")

Tori:
(frustrated after opening the Funky Nut Blast can) No! It's just a dumb... H!

Andre:
Well maybe there's another pint.

Jade:
(looking in the ice cream freezer) There's not. That's the only Funky Nut Blast.

(Tori leans against the freezer, starts whining, and then slides to the floor)

Andre and Jade:
(concerned) Tori.

Andre:
We're in public. Please.

Rex:
Man Nobody's going to drive though this neighberhood at night. Robbie: Hey Batman would. Rex: Do you have batman's phone number? Robbie: No. Rex: Then how we gonna call batman! Robbie: We're not. Rex: I know we're not!