Wizards of Waverly Place, Season 3

[Alex and Max sitting on a couch watching a scary movie]

Max:
Frankenstein Vs. Snakes 3D is the best monsters versus snakes movie ever!

Alex:
I think it's the best movie ever because we stole out of Justin's room.

Justin:
(Looking at Franken-girl) SHE'S ALIVE! SHE'S ALIVE! SHE'S ALIVE!

Alex:
(singing) I am singing this whole song to learn a spell.

Harper:
Learn a spell.

Alex:
This is the thing that Justin does so well.

Harper:
Does so well.

Alex:
When I'm in a jam and need to scram I cast spell called Jackie Chan I'm singing this whole song and I learn spells. When I need something that's far away I cast a spell called (pauses and reads) "Grow legs and come my way."

Harper:
It comes in handy if your lazy. Which you are and sometimes means your best friend you don't even care or thank me for the things like-

Alex:
Harper!

Harper:
(stops singing)

Alex:
Is everything okay?

Harper:
You mean because it didn't rhyme? I'll work on that.

Alex:
I can't believe you would something this stupid.

Max:
Alex, I think we all believe I can do something this stupid.

Juliet:
(licking a red substance that looks like blood from her hand)

Alex:
Oh my gosh, she did it.

Harper:
(gets a empty doughnut) The vampire took all of the jelly out of this doughnut!

Alex:
And no weight gain because you're dead!

Harper:
The jelly does kinda of look like blood.

Juliet:
Yeah, that's why vampires carry jelly doughnuts.

Alex:
(laughs) You're awesome.

Juliet:
I know.

Alex:
And I don't say that to any of my brother's girlfriends because they're all monsters. I mean there was a centaur, a werewolf.

Juliet:
Well I'm a vampire.

Alex:
Yeah but you have normal feet.

Juliet:
That's true.

Alex:
Okay, I have to ask you something. Why would somebody cool as you would be dating my brother?

Juliet:
Well I find that if you're a little cooler than your boyfriend, he'll never dump you!

Alex and Harper:
Ohhhh!

Harper:
Okay, now I gotta ask you something. When you turn into a bat where do your clothes go?

Juliet:
Well you're not really thinking about that when you're going (waves her arms) WHOOO! WHOO! WHOO!

Alex:
You turned in your girlfriend into the Monster Hunter Council!

Justin:
What? (laughs)

Juliet:
(walks in)

Justin:
Oh no.

Juliet:
Hey! Who wants to see me empty a calzone?

Alex:
You finally get a girlfriend with normal feet and you reported her to the Monster Hunter Council?!

Harper:
You smell like vanilla.

Juliet:
Thanks! I use it to disguise the smell of death and decay!

Harper:
Wait, what?! What happens when they catch me?

Alex:
Oh don't worry. They'll find out that you're a human impersonating a monster and they'll release you like a little fish....I think.

Harper:
I was gonna be a lady about this but now I want my dress back! STRIP IT DOWN, SISTER!

Justin:
We are in deep guano.

Alex:
: Well, you know what they say. When you love somebody, set them free. And if they really love you, they'll come back.

Justin:
Not unless they're a mind slave to a mummy.

Harper:
(calls her mom) Mom, you were right! They did ask! Okay, bye! (hangs up) She said yes! Group hug!

Russo Family:
(shocked that Harper manipulated them)

Justin:
You and your mom manipulated us! Looks like you are part of this family. (Everyone leaves except Alex.)

[At the recreation of Harper's 5th grade spelling bee]:

Jerry:
Okay, are you ready for your word, Max-

Max:
[interrupts] Max! M-A-C-K-S. Max.

Jerry:
Th-that isn't your word that's your name...and you mispelled it!

Max:
[shakes head] I should've asked for a definition.

Jerry:
Your word is.....hippopotomonstrosesquip­pedalio­phobia.

Carol:
Could you use it in a sentence?

Jerry:
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedali­o­phobia is an annoying word, and I'm not gonna say it again.

Jerry:
THAT'S the sentence.

Harper:
I learned one thing.

Alex:
(smiling) When did you become the most amazing person in my life?

Harper:
The first day we met in kindergarten. We had to sleep in different rooms 'cause we snored.

Mason:
Sorry, I think you dropped this.

Alex:
No, that's not mine.

Mason:
Yeah I know. I needed an excuse to come talk to you.

Alex:
(stares at him for a few seconds and takes the paintbrush)

Mason:
It's quite lovely...what you're working on there.

Alex:
(smiles) So new British guy, how close are the countries British and England?

Mason:
They're the same country. Kinda of and it's Britain not British.

Alex:
I know. I just think it's ridiculous when people explain ridiculous things.

Alex:
And speaking of ridiculous things.

Alex:
Art Off is stupid. Just because Mr. Laritate picks a painting doesn't mean it's good. I mean look at him. He picks out those clothes.

Mason:
He doesn't pick those. His mum lays them out for him.

Alex:
I like you new British guy. You're on my team.

Mason:
(offers to shake hand) My name is Mason Greyback.

Alex:
"Mason Greyback" That sounds like the name of a game show host.. like, "Mason Greyback, I'll take British for a thousand, please."

Mason:
(pretends a paintbrush is a microphone and a piece of newspaper is a card with a question) Your question is, "I think you're cute, what do you think of me?"

Alex:
(makes a buzzing noise) We're out of time.

Harper:
Sailboat plus moon equals loser! Heh heh heh heh. (makes an L with her hand)

Mason:
You know since I got here last Thursday, I noticed that he talks like a cowboy. Oh, and he likes cats.

Alex:
Nah. In America we call them kitty cats.

Mason:
Okay, kitty cats.

Alex:
Hahaha! I made you say kitty cats.

Mason:
How would you feel about maybe going for some tea later?

Alex:
Okay. But if 'go for tea' doesn't mean a date then I'm gonna be really embarrassed. And that whole accent thing, girls see right through it... no they don't.

Harper:
Oh. Kittens never lose. Next time I'm gonna paint Macgruder being eaten by a kitten. Yeah he's gonna drop this class.

Mason:
(picks up a water balloon) These are water balloons.

Alex:
Ah, so you've heard of them.

Justin:
Mason, thanks. I owe you one.

Justin:
That would explain why she's scratching him behind the ear.

Alex:
Mason, you haven't stopped staring at Juliet since we found her.

Mason:
Juliet, I didn't know we were looking for you. I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU!

Alex:
(gasps) Oh my gosh! What are you doing?!

Mason:
I don't know!

Alex:
Can't you see the way I feel about you?

Mason:
Alex, I'm sorry! Something just came over me!

Alex:
(takes off the necklace) I never want to see you again! (throws the necklace, waves her wand and disappears)

Max:
Dude, I don't know what you just did but she seems pretty hurt. I'm gonna let it slide so you and I are still good.

Justin:
(pushes Max away) No!

Mason:
Justin please! Let me explain this!

Justin:
There's nothing to explain. You broke Alex's heart. (to Max) He's not good with any of us.

Max:
I figured. I tried but it was totally hard to misread the situation.

Theresa:
But on the bright side, we're all really glad that you have feelings!

Alex:
(crying) Mason told Juliet he loved her....right in front of me.

Harper:
La la la la la la. (screams) HEY YOU!

Justin:
Mason. Alex doesn't want to see you, and not to gloat, but I know Juliet doesn't.

Mason:
I came to fix things.

Theresa:
(whispers to Justin) Make him write down what he wants to say to her. That accent of him gives him an unfair advantage.

Mason:
Alex. I didn't mean what I said earlier. I was in shock from seeing Juliet but I wanna be with you.

Alex:
Really?

Mason:
Yes, I do.

Alex:
Mason, look. I've been in shock before, too.. like, when I accidentally made my brother disappear.. or I accidentally made my parents not know who I was.. or I accidentally got trapped in a horror film.. or I accidentally-

Theresa:
Honey.. honey, we know.. you've messed up a a lot.

Alex:
Yes. But still, I've never accidentally told someone I love them, when I didn't.

Mason:
Alex, I know it's hard to believe, but if you just let me explain-

Alex:
I think you've said enough.

Jerry:
You have to go now, Mister.

Mason:
Yes, sir. I'll, be on my way, then. And I'll regret my mistake, for the rest of my life..

Mason:
Alex, I'm over Juliet you've got to believe me.

Alex:
Well, I don't. Just because she didn't want you, Mason, I'm your second choice.

Harper:
Things are going well on my shift.

Mason:
Listen to me, Alex. I can prove it. All we have to do is go back to Transylvania and find the true love necklace. If you put it on me and it glows, then you'll know how I truly feel about you.

Alex:
No. I'm never going back there. You can go get it.

Mason:
No. You have to go with me.. 'cause that's where all went bad, and that's where I'm gonna make it all go good.

Alex:
[thinks] Okay.

Max:
Alex went to Pennsylvania!

Jerry:
The Keystone State!

Justin:
Are you sure she didn't say Transylvania?

Max:
I don't know. Say 'Pennsylvania' with a British accent.

Justin:
(in normal voice) Transylvania.

Max:
That was it.

Alex:
(lays her head on Justin's shoulder) Promise me we'll find normal people.

Justin:
We're not normal people.

Alex:
Sorry couch and t.v., you're gonna have to get along without me! Yay!

George:
(smiles and leaves)

Alex:
Life is so good! (to Harper) I'm going to the dance with George!

Alex and Harper:
(jumping up and down) Yay!

Zeke:
Ready? Okay!

Alex and Zeke:
Here come the Turkeys! (claps) Justin's got the water! (claps) They can't win without him. (claps)

Zeke:
....so let's applaud her!

(Everyone looks at Zeke.)

Zeke:
Hey, when in doubt, flip out right? (flips)

(The crowd and cheerleaders applaud and cheer.)

Stevie:
Hello prisoners. (picks up a guy's hat, drops it, and points at Mr. Laritate) Warden.

Mr. Laritate:
(smiles meekly)

Stevie:
(takes another guy's device) Sorry I'm late. I had a phone call (looks at Eddie) with you mom. She said, "Get out of chair!"

Eddie:
(goes to different chair)

Stevie:
(sits down comfortably)

Alex:
(turns to Stevie) Who are you?

Stevie:
I'm Stevie. Last name...I don't want to know yours so why do you want to know mine?

Mr. Laritate:
She makes you look like him. (motions to Justin)

Justin:
(waves)

Mr. Laritate:
All right, I'll be back to let you out of the cage at three. If need anything, you should have thought of that before you acted up. (leaves and closes the door)

Alex:
(gets up) Hey Stevie, why don't you tell me a bedtime story about how you ended up in detention so fast? (takes a pillow hidden from inside a globe)

Stevie:
Got caught for some stuff in my old school, so they're making me make up detention here. But it's cool. It's the quickest way to meet my people.

Alex:
(gets a sound machine from behind a plague on the wall) You're people? Oh, you mean people like me! Thank you! That's so sweet! (makes a hammock) Now, if you'll excuse me. I need a couple of more hours shut eye under a gentle rain. (turns the sound machine on and the machine plays sounds of rain)

Eddie:
Yeah you gotta turn that down. It makes me want to go numero uno.

Eddie:
Yeah that's right, I speak French.

Stevie:
(turns the sound machine volume higher) Well, Oui, Oui.

Alex:
(laughs and does a handshake with Stevie)

Alex and Shakira:
(singing) Broke my heart down the road. Spent the weekend sewing the pieces back on. Crayons and dolls pass me by. Walking gets too boring when you learn how to fly. Not the homecoming kind. Take the top off and who knows what you might find. Won't confess all of my sins. You can bet I try it but you can't always win. 'Cause I'm a gypsy. Are you coming with me?

Shakira:
(transforms into Uncle Kelbo)

Alex and Max:
Uncle Kelbo?

Alex:
What's so magical about that?

Uncle Kelbo:
A dragon does it.

Alex:
Shakira!

Justin:
Shakira!

Alex:
Maybe if we say it in Spanish!

Justin:
(in a Spanish accent) Shakira!

Alex:
(in a Spanish accent) Shakira!

Alex:
(to Stevie) We need to something about this music (looks at Harper) then her.

Harper:
(dancing)

Alex:
I'd love to see the look on Justin's face if he saw this band instead of those jazz geezers.

Stevie:
That would be awesome! We gotta make that happen!

Alex:
If only we knew two girls with devious enough minds to come up with a scheme to get Uggh to play at our school.

Stevie:
Hmmmm. I think I see one.

Alex:
And I see another one. (high fives Stevie)

Alex:
As I hear people say all the time and I cannot spell, touche.

Harper:
[bends to the gorund] But that was Jeremy from science! He was going to ask me out.

Alex:
Harper.

Harper:
[turns to Alex] And now we will never know.

Alex:
Harper, that's offensive.

Justin:
Harper, that's offensive.

Justin:
I gotta use magic. [transforms into Alex] Okay I'll just pretend I'm Alex and convince Harper to help me with the float. No, I can't do it. It's just not me. [transforms back into himself and groans] But I do need to finish the float. [scratches his back with his wand] Ahh, ooh! [transforms to Alex] But it's a selfish use of magic and that's wrong. [transforms back to himself] But it would allow Harper to be with her friend, which would be nice. [transforms to Alex] No I can't do it! [transforms back] But I have to! [transforms into Alex] But I can't!

Harper:
[walks out] Alex?

Justin as Alex:
Uh oh. [drops his wand]

Harper:
Oh my gosh! You came back to be with me.

Justin as Alex:
[high pitched] Yes I'm....[clears voice] Yes I'm-I'm Alex and I came back to work on the float with you, and also to tell you how much you mean to me.

Harper:
Aw, you never said that to me before. Thanks.

Justin as Alex:
Well, you're welcome.

Harper:
You never said that to me or to anyone. You must be really making an effort here. [grabs a mallet]

Justin as Alex:
Wow, she sure has set the bar low for herself.

Harper:
Why are you wearing Justin's clothes?

Justin as Alex:
Oh. Be-because I stole them from Justin. Because I'm a dirty, lying thief.

Harper:
[rubs Justin's head and smiles] I know you are.

Alex:
You're not my friend Harper.

Harper:
What?

Alex:
Stevie's my friend. You're my sister.

Harper:
(smiles)

Alex:
(hugs Harper) I love you.

Harper:
I love you too.

Alex:
Okay. (crawl over the window)

Harper:
Wait, what are you doing?

Alex:
Well I'm not going to let you stay here alone.

Harper:
But if you get in trouble?

Alex:
For what, sneaking into detention? Yeah I would love to see how that works.

Harper:
I guess if you get into trouble you're already here so... Hey your boots match the detention chair.

Alex:
Yeah, there use to be two chairs. (sits on the detention chair the same time as Harper)

Alex:
: Wait, wait, wait! We've heard two different stories here.

Harper:
Well, maybe Warren is lying. Let's see if he can stand up to one of my uncomfortable stares.

Justin:
[shudders]

[Harper stares and Warren faints]

Harper:
Yep, he's a liar.

Alex:
: Quick! Quick! He fainted. Someone give me a pen. I love drawing mustaches on people who can't stop me!

Justin:
Uh, now it makes sense, he won and a disgruntled family member is trying to wreck it for him. I've seen my future in the present.

Alex:
Stevie is my friend. I'm sure she's got a reasonable explanation for what's going on.

[Justin scoffs]

Alex:
Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.

Justin:
C'mon Harper, let's go find Stevie. [starts to walk away with Harper]

Alex:
I bet you he has a pen on him! [searches Warren]

Justin:
[goes back to Alex and drags her away] Alex, stop that! It looks illegal.

Superintendent Clanton:
Laritate, you have obviously lost control of the helm and it seems [Looking at Alex] that this young sailor here...may be the iceberg that sinks your Titanic!

Alex:
[Giggles] Well that's very sweet of you to say, thank you!

Max:
TOTAL LAWLESSNESS! (shatters the bottles on the counter top)

Alex:
[laughing with Harper] Tom Sawyer? That is such an obvious lie. It's the name from the Rush song.

Harper:
[looks at Alex] And the classic book.

Alex:
Wow, that song was good. I didn't know they made a book out of it.

Max:
[comes home] I did it. I told Nancy the truth.

Jerry:
We're proud of you Max.

Theresa:
Isn't it easier telling the truth, honey?

Max:
I'm so relieved that I told her I'm a wizard.

Justin and Jerry:
[did a spit take]

The Russos:
[look at Max] YOU WHAT?!?!

Theresa:
Max! When I told you to tell the truth to Nancy I meant to her the truth about being a Russo, not a wizard!

Max:
You wanted me to tell her the truth but not the whole truth? This truth thing is confusing, mom. To tell you the truth.

Alex:
Yeah, I mean you tell the truth you get in trouble. You lie you get in trouble. We're probably just better off not talking to each other.

Jerry:
What did Nancy say when you told her?

Max:
She didn't believe me.

Jerry:
Max, you really need to work on how you give information when you tell a story. I mean, if I had a ketchup bottle when you said you told her, I would have squeezed it and ketchup would have been flying everywhere.

Jerry:
Harper please hand me the ketchup. [Harper gives Jerry the ketchup]

Max:
But then I took her on a magic carpet ride and she totally believed me.

Jerry:
Ahhh! (squeezes the ketchup bottle)

Theresa:
[opens her mouth]

Alex:
Zeke, get up, come on, you're going on a romantic walk in the park and then a slow, gentle kiss on the cheek. Go.

Harper:
Not doing it right? Let's see your longest relationship with a boyfriend lasted two months and that guy ended in the woods to live with other wolves. And don't get me started started on the mannequin, the gear head and the baseball player with curly hair one day and straight hair the next. Man, he couldn't make a decision.

Alex:
(talking through Justin's mind) Oh I see. In your mind they're losers and you're not.

Justin:
Go away Alex! I hate it when you use magic to listen to my thoughts! (listens to a music player and turns the volume high)

Alex:
(gets a headache)

Zeke:
(thinking) So if our universe is actually on a speck of dust that speck of dust could be on another speck of dust! And another and another.

Alex:
(speaking through Zeke's mind) This is going to take a lot of meddling.

Zeke:
(stops thinking and gets scared) Hello? Who's there?

Alex:
(smiles and covers her laugh)

Theresa:
Riley, Dean and Mason?

Alex:
Mom, I asked you never to say their names again.

Delinquent Justin:
Don't call me Justin. I only go by my spirit name; Bursting Eagle.

Alex:
Grades are just a way of telling you how you're doing in school; and I don't think that's anyone's business.

Delinquent Justin:
Exactly, you get it. Because participating in grades gives the man permission to judge you. And nobody judges me! Until the 19th… when I audition for Oklahoma.

Delinquent Justin:
Oh, I'm going to deliver a speech alright, El Heffe, that's gonna rock the flimsy foundation of this school!

Mr. Laritate:
[nervously] Who told you about our one night stand? Look, you can either have our music department or structural safety, but you can't have both!

Zeke:
Alex! There's something wrong with your brother. He keeps saying all this crazy stuff like he wants to look for America and that love can't exist without hate. What does that even mean?!

Alex:
Zeke, maybe you should give this new Justin a chance; I mean, who knows? Maybe you'll actually like him.

Delinquent Justin:
[to his parents] All I'm saying you guys is that planning your future is like digging your grave with a pencil and, like, a calender.

Delinquent Justin:
[examining the fringe on his jacket] When cowboys used to get really, really hungry, they ate these things, right here.

Jerry:
No, the other thing.

Delinquent Justin:
Chanting makes it important.

Jerry:
No, the other thing.

Delinquent Justin:
[points at his jeans] I bought these jeans pre-ripped. [walks away]

Alex:
It's fun, right?

Delinquent Justin:
[opens terrace door] Ah! Sunshine!

Mr. Laritate:
Valedictorian Justin Russo.

Delinquent Justin:
[holding scroll to eye] I can see your head! It's HUGE!

Mr. Laritate:
Valedictorian Zeke Beakerman.

Zeke:
Brunch is not a meal. Spread your wings and FLY!

Alex:
Justin, I'm so sorry! I never should've created that duplicate in the first place. I guess I was just scared that I wouldn't really have anyone to fight with when you went off to college.

Justin:
We've had a lot of pretty good fights, huh? I think we've still got a few good ones left in us. What do you think?

Alex:
I hope so.

Theresa:
You guys are hilarious. Just say you love each other!

Alex and Justin:
[simultaneously] No we don't! [move away from each other to opposite sides of the couch]

Justin:
You didn't look, did you?

Alex:
I looked around this general area. (waves her hands around the living room)

Justin:
Wow.

Harper:
(walking in the living room)

Justin:
Maybe Harper can help.

Harper:
(stops walking and turns to Alex and Justin)

Alex and Justin:
(turn to Harper)

Harper:
(runs downstairs)

Alex and Justin:
(chase Harper)

Justin:
Max, get on in.

Harper:
What? No! Take a hike.

Max:
You know what? You take a hike!

Harper:
(walks towards him)

Max:
I'm sorry! (runs out of the Sub Station)

Harper:
Good, I'm gonna go change. (leaves)

Justin:
What are you suppose to be?

Alex:
I'm an evil queen.

Justin:
What? There are no evil queens in Captain Jim Bob's World!

Alex:
There's always an evil queen. Sometimes she's the head cheerleader, sometimes she's the fairytale stepmother, and sometimes, she's your sister.

Alex:
(reading) "The Russo sisters Alex and Justine have taken over the reins with flair."

Justine:
What? Did you just say Justine?

Alex:
Wow. Sometimes I don't have to do anything and I still win.

Justine:
Oh! I am writing a VERY strongly worded letter to the editor about that!

Alex:
Yeah, good luck with that, sis.

Mr. Finkle:
We're really sorry to take your little lady away from you like this.

Justin:
Who are you talking about?

Mrs. Finkle:
Word on the street is that you two lovebirds are quite a big-ticket item.

Justin:
Oh! Me and Harper. No, Harper is dating Zeke. Zeke Biekerman.

Mr. Finkle:
Zeke Biek-erman? It rhymes! Must be a stage name. Last thing we need is for our daughter to date another Johnny Stagedoor.

Mrs. Finkle:
Being a couple of loose cannon undependable show biz types ourselves, we were hoping our daughter would wind up with some nice, boring, accountable square like yourself.

Justin:
Everyone thinks I'm a boring square? (laughs) They are not gonna believe this down at the hobby shop.

Theresa:
Uh, not so fast! You're not going anywhere, let alone Europe! Listen, you are still grounded for taking money from the cash register to buy that vending machine. And you are EXTRA grounded for sneaking out when you KNEW that you were grounded and you are EXTRA BONUS grounded for sneaking out into a magical alternate universe!

Alex:
...You're right, Mom, I'm sorry. That was a dumb idea.

Theresa:
Well, that's be...wait a minute. What part of it was a dumb idea?

Alex:
All of it?

Theresa:
Wow. That was easy.

Theresa:
We've got to find a way to get Alex out of the broken mirror.

Harper:
We're never going to figure this out!

Justin:
I figured it out!

Alex:
Wait, hold on.

Mirror Harper:
Holding on!

Mirror Justin:
It's your own personal you-niverse.

Alex:
It is scary how right I am.

Mirror Harper:
(screams)

Alex:
Quick! Mirror Harper! Do something! I don't want to go back!

Mirror Harper:
(throws something at the mirror and breaks it)

Mirror Theresa:
Everything just works out fine when everyone agrees with you!

Harper:
(turns the lights off then turns them on again)

Theresa and Justin:
(holding the last piece)

Harper:
You Russos are so predictable.

Alex:
(asks the the magic chicken) Which one of us will win the wizard competition?

Harper:
What's going on?

Justin:
There's gifts from Uncle Kelbo that we weren't suppose to open but we did. Mom hates magic. There's a magic chicken running around. If you see waffles don't ask where they came from. Just enjoy them.

Harper:
Wait, you people are eating waffles? I made cake.

Jerry:
(to Alex) Why is there a chicken on the terrace?

Alex:
Uh well off the record, the chicken is gonna lay an egg that's gonna tell us who's gonna win the wizard competition. Now on the record, I don't- what chicken?

Max:
Woah. Did the magic chicken move all the furniture around?

Uncle Ernesto:
What?

Justin:
Uh, Max calls Dad Magic Chicken.

Jerry:
Right. And I call him (pointedly) Boy Who Should Stop Talking.

Max:
Hey, magic chicken!

Uncle Ernesto:
Jerry, your son's calling you.

Jerry:
What? Oh, uh, right, uh, we do love our nicknames in this family, (to Alex) don't we, What Should We Do Now?

Alex:
Yep, yep that's my nickname!

Justin:
My nickname is, I'm Sorry Mom and Remember I'm the Good One Usually the Victim.

Uncle Ernesto:
Kinda long isn't it?

Max:
Yeah well now we're never gonna find out who wins the wizard competition.

Justin:
How about right after we actually have the wizard competition?

Max:
I trust the chicken more.

Theresa:
Thank you for making the cake Harper, it's beautiful, and it looks delicious.

Harper:
Oh, no, ohhh, we don't eat it. The Finkle tradition is that you make a cake from scratch and the you use rolling pins to smash it together as a family. It's the one time of year we let out our frustrations.

Harper:
(as Juliet) Okay let's stare at the tree and I'll explain more.

Alex:
Are you really going to make Max that stupid backpack shirt?

Harper:
No! A backpack shirt would be embarrassing.

Alex:
And that hat?

Harper:
Oh don't start with me! Look I just wanted to get you into the lair. I can't stand to see Justin like this.

Alex:
Well I can't stand to see Justin hardly at all, but I've gotten used to it and so should you because Juliet is not coming back.

Harper:
Or is she?

Alex:
No, she's not! Didn't you see her hobble off into the woods? I think Mason ate her.

Harper:
Alright here's a thought. Justin needs to move on and if he can't hear it from us, maybe he needs to hear it from Juliet.

Alex:
But he already did hear it from her. The old lady version of her.

Harper:
Yeah but come on, who listens to old people? What if you made me look like Juliet and she told him?

Alex:
Harper that doesn't sound like you want to help Justin, it sounds like you want to date him.

Harper:
Oh that's not it. Why is it so hard to get you Russos to do something nice for each other?

Alex:
Because when you help someone your guard is down and that's when another Russo will come right behind you and trip you!

Harper:
(gives Alex a look)

Alex:
Okay! Fine! I'll do it! But only because you're doing all the work. I'm just waving a wand. (waves her wand) Transfix, transpose. Make Harper look like Juliet from head to toe. (casts the spell and has a shocked look on her face)

Harper:
(transforms into old Juliet) Eh? How do I look?

Alex:
(lying) Great! You look great! (serious) Umm...this is a lot more work than I thought. Okay alright. (waves her wand) Transfix, transpose. Make Harper look like young Juliet including the clothes.

Harper:
(transforms to young Juliet)

Alex:
There you go. (throws her wand to the sofa)

Harper:
Testing, testing. Ooh! I even have Juliet's voice! I pale in comparison to Harper Finkle. I've always wanted to hear her say that!

Alex:
Okay now go walk around Waverly Place until you bump into Justin.

Harper:
And I'll tell him to just move on from Juliet. We'll have a moment but that will be it. Oh, what should we do about the backpack shirt for Max?

Alex:
I'll-I'll throw something together.

Harper:
Just make sure it's not shoddy workmanship. It's Harper who's making that.

Alex:
Don't push it blondie.

Harper:
(leaves)

Harper:
(voice over) When Alex turned me into Juliet I had good intentions. But then you started asking those questions and I panicked.

Alex:
(hiding)

Justin:
(to Max) Max, did you see Juliet go by?

Harper:
(comes out from hiding)

Alex:
Psst!

Harper:
(goes to Alex)

Alex:
What are you doing?! You're supposed to be with Justin.

Harper:
I panicked.

Justin:
(to Harper) That wasn't for Juliet. It was for you Harper. Thank you.

Harper:
No problem.

Justin:
(pulls out his wand) Transfix, transpose. Make Harper look like herself again including the clothes.

Harper:
(transforms back to herself again) Thank you. And when you kissed me I was Juliet so Zeke doesn't have to know about this.

Harper:
(to Max) So, how'd it go?

Max:
Pretty good. I ate squirrel, made some new enemies...it was a regular day.

Harper:
(to Justin) So, how'd it go? (Justin ignores her) (to Alex) How'd it go? Was it Mason?

Alex:
Yes. It was him. But he's being held by some country wizards who grow corn by their beds and have a son with one shoe!

Harper:
Oh, good, I thought you were going to say something crazy!

Alex:
I can't believe it. My true love is a wolf again! And the fact that I have to use "again" at the end of that sentence just shows how messed up our lives really are.

Justin:
There's gotta be a better way of doing this. Maybe there's a wand app. (picks up wand and scrolls through apps) Restaurant Locator...Spell Calculator...Ooh! Here's an application to turn my wand into a light saber! (Justin and Max turn their wands into light sabers and duel) Max! I am your brother!

Justin:
Alright, guys, it looks like we're going back to that old trailer in the middle of nowhere to find some magical instruments that'll turn your boyfriend human again. (pauses) You're right, our lives are messed up.

Justin:
(to Mason, who is in wolf form and is howling) What is it, boy? What are you trying to tell us? Is there trouble at the old mill?

Zeke:
(after Mason turns back into human) Did you guys see that? DID YOU SEE THAT! He was all 'hello love' blahblaeghblaheghblah! WHAT IS GOING ON?!

Justin:
: Uh, well I totally understand the confusion with the blahhehhblah uh, i got-Max?

Max:
Oh, now you want my help?

Zeke:
Would someone please tell me what is going on, because I just saw your pet sled dog from Greenland, who lives in a veggie cooler, turn into a HALF-HUMAN HALF-BEAR HAIRY CREATURE THING!! WHAT IS GOING ON?!! I DESERVE SOME ANSWERS!!

Harper:
(kisses him and he faints)

Alex:
Mason, I'm sorry. What we have is so much stronger than any of that superficial stuff. The most important thing to me is that you're back and we're together. I love you, no matter what.

Mason:
I don't know if I can believe you.

Alex:
Then let me prove it.

Mason:
How?

Alex:
The same way people have been doing it for centuries now. By slow dancing to a romantic pop song.

Harper:
I will not panic. I will not panic. I will not panic...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [runs into the storage room screaming]

Alex:
[burps at Agent Lambwood's face then laughs] I'm not telling you guys anything.

Professor Crumbs:
[in shackles] They came for us, all of us.

Russo Clones:
We're the real Russos! [runs off]

Jerry:
I know how much is in the register! AND I EXPECT IT TO BE THERE WHEN I GET BACK!

(Justin walks into the cell after being up for examination)

Justin:
I brought a...hamburger. (Max takes it out of his hands and starts eating it)

Alex:
They gave Justin a hamburger, he must have rolled over! What did you tell them?!

Jerry:
Did you tell them we're you-know-whats?!?! (Justin nods. Alex and Jerry gasp in shock)

Theresa:
Did they let you use the bathroom? WAS IT WORTH IT?

Harper:
Somebody took the Russo's! I think they're from the government.

Mason:
Oh my. I'll get Professor Crumbs. He'll know what to do! (think for a minute) Well, he might not, but at least I'll look like a hero for notifying him!

Harper:
Wha-Wait! What should I do while you're gone?

Mason:
Just stay here. That's what heroes say. I'll be back in a jiffy. [walks into to portal]

Harper:
[once Mason is gone] What kind of hero says 'jiffy'?

Alex:
Mason! How did they catch you?

Mason:
I was admiring myself in the mirror with this hat on when they snuck up behind me.

Alex:
How does someone sneak up behind you while you're looking in a mirror?

Mason:
Well, I was very much admiring my hat.

Alex:
Quick, pick a color!

Justin:
Chartreuse.

Alex:
Pick a SHORTER color!

Justin:
Harper, that's cultural appropriation and black face, you are very undiplomatic.

Alex:
Leave my friend alone! She's the only one who sees through my schemes and sticks around!