Wikidude's Quotes Page #145

Here's the list of quotes submitted by wikidude  —  There are currently 140,397 quotes total — keep up the great work!

Ben:
It's a matter of public record that Dan Egan was fired because of his relation to the data breach. I mean, you could have Googled that.

Mr. Rakes:
That's not my question. Was he responsible?

Ben:
Well, Washington needed a sacrifice. So we all ran and got out our pitchforks, and we set fire to the Wicker Dan.

Mrs. Brewer:
Okay, so why did he deserve to go if he was innocent?

Ben:
You make it sound like there's a correlation between what should happen and what actually happens. I mean, life is chaotic. And it's often unfair. I know it is for me. Dan Egan deserved to go. So, he went.

– Veep, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Mr. Rakes:
So Jonah Ryan wasn't sent here to defend the bill to deliberately undermine it?

Ben:
No. No. Read my luscious lips: no.

– Veep, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Ms. Bennett:
Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled "the Jonad Files?"

Dan:
Uh, no. No, ma'am.

Amy:
No. That doesn't ring a bell.

Ms. Bennett:
So it's not a word combining "Jonah" and "gonad?"

Dan:
Not to my knowledge.

Jonah:
I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.

Mr. Rakes:
In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.

Dan:
I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.

Mr. Rakes:
Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. "J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection—"

Jonah:
Do we have to go through all of these?

Mr. Wallace:
I'm not sure that I see the relevance.

Mr. Rakes:
The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.

Mr. Wallace:
Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.

Mr. Rakes:
"The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca."

Jonah:
My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.

– Veep, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Selina:
I have to go. I have to call the President of Africa, so—I mean South Africa, specifically.

– Veep, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Tom James:
Gary Walsh, you need to understand, is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl.

– Veep, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Bill Ericsson:
Where is Congresswoman Bennett?

Mrs Brewer:
She is absent.

Bill Ericsson:
Yes, I got that. I took Noticing in high school!

– Veep, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Mr. Rakes:
Can you tell us who was responsible for the data breach, Mr. Cafferty?

Ben:
No.

Mr. Rakes:
But you do know who was responsible?

Ben:
No.

Mrs Brewer:
Can you tell us anything at all about said data breach?

Ben:
No.

Mr Rakes:
Are you gonna continue to answer every question with a one-word answer, Mr. Cafferty?

Ben:
No... I am not.

– Veep, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Kent:
Yeah... Vermont and Connecticut, yup, they're for us.

Gary:
Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!

Selina:
Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.

– Veep, Season 4  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jeff Kane:
Listen, the reason I'm here... now that Sherman is dead, there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and...

Jonah:
Oh, you want me to canvass for Cousin Ezra the war hero?

Jeff:
No, I want you to run.

Jonah:
You want me to run his campaign?

Jeff:
No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat. [Shocked, Jonah backs up] Joni?

Jonah:
Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen. The Jonah Ryan Story, chapter five: "The House Kneels Before the Fucking J-man." I'm running for Congress!

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Mike (confronting Congressman Furlong):
This is my table.

Furlong:
And this is my fat Johnson, and you can suck it, as long as you don't put your dirt, gay mustache on it. What is that, some kind of side effect from your AIDS medication or did you shave it off of Freddie Mercury's corpse?

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Mike:
I hope Mee-Maw's okay.

Selina:
She's been at death's door like five times, but she always bounces back to life.

Gary:
It's true.

Selina:
She's like that guy... that guy...

Gary:
Lazarus.

Selina:
Rasputin.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[re:
Selina's team failing to stop the recount and win Nevada]

Selina:
Well, maybe I'll get assassinated.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jonah:
You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.

Dan:
The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Selina:
You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Ben:
I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador, Mohammed bin Nasser bin Khalifa Al Jaffar.

Selina:
Please don't have him sign the guest book.

Ben:
Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.

Selina:
Why would China go through Qatar?

Ben:
Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered.

Selina:
They're into ass play?

Ben:
No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.

Selina:
I'll bet they're into ass play, too.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Kent:
[on the news coverage of a salmonella outbreak] The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics?

Ben:
Or how to cook a fucking turkey?

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Tom James:
Any news on Sherman?

Dan:
CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jeff:
I've spoken to the governor, New Hampshire has agreed to hold a special election for the seat before Christmas. But...

Ben:
Sounds like a big goddamn 'but'!

Jeff:
Oh, yeah. This is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams 'butt'; Sherman's widow is about to announce that she is running for the seat.

Kent:
Ah, I have recurring nightmares about running against widows.

Ben:
We have a list of vetted names here.

Jeff:
Oh, great. Why don't you send them over to me, I'm running low on toilet paper.

Kent:
Excuse me?

Jeff:
You don't give me names, Beardo, I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up Tubby's dick!

Ben:
So who's your choice?

Jeff:
You know, I'm grooming my nephew Ezra.

Kent:
Heard a lot of great things about Ezra!

Jeff:
Brilliant, handsome, wife's a solid eight, after kids will probably still be a seven. Mark my words: he will be president one day. But, Ezra is currently serving in Afghanistan. Plus, for anyone to beat the widow you're gonna have to fight dirty, and I don't shit where I eat.

Ben:
Well, me neither. Not since my wife caught me eating yoghurt on the crapper.

Jeff:
We need a real piece of cannon fodder here. Some spectacular dumbass who's willing to charge this machine gun nest, sacrifice his name and reputation and then fuck off so that Ezra can slide right in.

Ben:
So, do you have a list of spectacular dumbasses?

Jeff:
[enigmatically] There's only one name on it.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Selina:
What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls?

Ben:
I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Selina:
How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? I know all about your meeting with Marwood and Purcell; I know all about how you're trying to fuck me with that abstinence program of yours. Underneath this whole honorable, decent, wholesome, boy scout crap of yours, I know exactly who you are.

Tom James:
Oh, you do.

Selina:
Yes, I do.

Tom James:
Oh, so I don't have to explain that I am not someone who would piss away my presidency on a bunch of half-assed decisions...

Selina:
What?

Tom James:
...and, by the way, by messing around with that pretty-boy Charlie Baird, for God's sake!

Selina:
What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this?

Tom James:
I...I don't know, he's got nothing to do with it. What is he...

Selina:
You're such a liar! You're such a liar! Why did you even join my ticket in the first place?

Tom James:
Because I happen to believe in something called public service.

Selina:
Oh, bullshit!

Tom James:
Okay, well then, I've got no...

Selina:
I'll tell you why! Because you wanted to be a step closer to the presidency and to me. You wanted it so bad, you could taste it.

Tom James:
This is unbelievable. Please...

Selina:
You are lying now just like you lied back then, just like you lied about that night in the cab with the green shoes!

Tom James:
Oh...well, now I got no idea what you're talking about.

Selina:
You know exactly what I'm talking about. You remembered the green shoes that night, but not the fact that you wanted to fuck me? Come on. Come on! No straight man remembers a woman's shoes.

Tom James:
Well, you got me. I'm gay. So...

Selina:
Just admit it! Just say the truth for once in your life. Come on, Tom. You wanted to fuck me that night, just say it!

Tom James:
Will you stop it?!

Selina:
Just say you wanted to fuck my brains out!

Tom James:
Alright, I wanted to fuck your brains out!

Selina:
There you go. And now you're trying to fuck me tonight!

Tom James:
No, I am fucking you tonight!

Selina:
No, I'm gonna fuck you!

[After an awkward pause, they passionately kiss]

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jeff:
[to Richard] You and I should talk. If you were 10% less black, I could make you president.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Mike:
Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and, y'know, her condition...

Selina:
What? She's a lesbian, Mike, she's not a werewolf. Though either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jeff:
Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Ben:
Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank.

Selina:
Why not?

Ben:
'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about.

Kent:
AIDS, for example.

Ben:
Thanks, Kent's autism.

– Veep, Season 5  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

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What TV series is this quote from: "Everybody lies."?
A The West Wing
B Grey's Anatomy
C Fargo
D House