Extras

Maggie's Boyfriend:
[while having sex] Oh, come on love, you're like a dead horse, put a bit of minge round it!

Andy Millman:
What's happening with my script?

Darren Lamb:
What script?

Andy Millman:
[rolls eyes] The script I gave you two months ago.

Darren Lamb:
Is it funny?

Andy Millman:
You haven't read it?

Darren Lamb:
What's it called?

Andy Millman:
"When the Whistle Blows".

Darren Lamb:
[writing] "When the W Blows".

Andy Millman:
Don't just write "W" you'll forget what the W stands for.

Darren Lamb:
"When the Wind Blows".

Andy Millman:
"Whistle"!

Darren Lamb:
Got it.

[writing]

Darren Lamb:
"W" equals "Wind".

Andy Millman:
"Whistle"!

Darren Lamb:
[writing] "When the Whistle Blows".

Andy Millman:
So that's done, I can forget about that, I've got my best man on it. Just make sure the phone's plugged in.

Darren Lamb:
You joke about it, it was uplugged for two days... no one noticed.

Ben Stiller:
And who are you?

Andy Millman:
Nobody.

Ben Stiller:
What?

Andy Millman:
Nobody.

Ben Stiller:
Exactly. And who am I?

Andy Millman:
Either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.

Ben Stiller:
Was that supposed to be funny?

Andy Millman:
You tell me, you were in it.

Ben Stiller:
I've kissed Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore! I've slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!

Maggie Jacobs:
Yeah, in films.

Ben Stiller:
It still counts! It still counts...

Jon:
[in the cafeteria] Hi.

Maggie Jacobs:
Oh, hi, there. What you doing here?

Jon:
I'm just having lunch.

Maggie Jacobs:
Oh, right, yeah. We're having lunch as well.

Andy Millman:
Yeah. Letting it cool down here, though.

Maggie Jacobs:
What have you gone for?

Jon:
Oh, boring. Just three-been salad, spinach and smoothie. I'm on a high-fiber diet.

Maggie Jacobs:
Oh, no bowel cancer for you then?

Andy Millman:
[doubting that Maggie would want to date Jon now that she's discovered he has one leg shorter than the other] Do you really want to be known as "that girl"?

Maggie Jacobs:
What girl?

Andy Millman:
"Maggie." You know Maggie? The one who goes out with that guy with the big shoe?

[turning down an invitation to a party]

Andy Millman:
I can't. I'm doing... anything else.

Andy Millman:
Herman Munster just slipped out?

Ben Stiller:
Who are you?

Andy Millman:
Nobody.

Ben Stiller:
Yeah. Nobody. Hmmm. And who am I?

Andy Millman:
It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.

Ben Stiller:
Was that supposed to be funny?

Andy Millman:
You tell me, you were in it.

Andy Millman:
[Embarrassed at his unintentional racist comments] I am sorry, I don't want to sound like a racist. But I don't happen to know the intricate difference between Chinese & Japanese.

Maggie Jacobs:
They teach something in the school, don't they?

Andy Millman:
[Realizing what she's about to say] No, don't!

Maggie Jacobs:
[Ignoring, and twisting her eyes, touching her knees and breasts in order] Chinese, Japanese, Dirty Knees... What are these?

Agent:
Have a lovely bit of muffin.

[on the red carpet at the BAFTA awards]

Reporter:
[to Maggie] Who are you wearing?

Maggie Jacobs:
Maggie.

Reporter:
No, who are you wearing?

Maggie Jacobs:
Maggie Jacobs.

Andy Millman:
No, whose dress is that?

Maggie Jacobs:
Mine.

Andy Millman:
[to reporter] She wins the award. Come on.

BAFTA Executive:
Well, well, well. The Three Stooges.

Andy Millman:
[laughs]

BAFTA Executive:
Sorry, something funny?

Andy Millman:
Just you're joke...

BAFTA Executive:
Shut up.

BAFTA Executive:
[at Ronnie Corbett] Corbett. Always bloody Corbett. Is this it, or is there anymore?

Ronnie Corbett:
[hands over bag of cocaine] Just a bit of whizz, to blow away the cobwebs.

BAFTA Executive:
Where did you get it?

Ronnie Corbett:
Don't remember.

BAFTA Executive:
Now don't bullshit me. Where did you get it? Was it from Moria Stuart?

Ronnie Corbett:
You don't get it, do you mate? I don't remember!

BAFTA Executive:
Well here's something you will remember. You're banned from BAFTA. You can never win a BAFTA now.

Andy Millman:
What? Me as well?

BAFTA Executive:
Yes. All of you. And you can't attend any of our events. You can't come to the Film BAFTA's, you can't come to the TV BAFTA's and you can't even come to the Children's BAFTA's

Ronnie Corbett:
What about the Welsh BAFTA's?

BAFTA Executive:
Would you come to the Welsh BAFTA's if you were asked?

Ronnie Corbett:
Probably.

BAFTA Executive:
You'll be expecting a call.

Darren Lamb:
[points at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTA's if you want.

BAFTA Executive:
Sorry. We're looking for actors with more skill.

Darren Lamb:
Make's sense.

Andy Millman:
[Looks at Darren] Make's sense?

Darren Lamb:
Well I was only trying to...

Andy Millman:
Yeah... you... idiot!

Daniel Radcliffe:
[whispering] Have you still got that that catsuit from The Avengers?

Diana Rigg:
Go away, Daniel.

Daniel Radcliffe:
[about Maggie] Alright when she gets back, make up some excuse and leave, okay?

Andy Millman:
Why what have you got planned? [Daniel pulls out a condom] You... unravelled it then?

Daniel Radcliffe:
Yep. Ready for action. I just hope its big enough.

Darren Lamb:
Annoyingly, they didn't go with the 'giving the kid an Xbox' angle.

Andy Millman:
What angle did they go with then?

Darren Lamb:
[holding up a newspaper] "TV bully kicks dwarf in face."

Andy Millman:
Accurate. But, as you say, there's no such thing as bad publicity, is there?

Darren Lamb:
[reading another newspaper headline] "Pick on someone your own size fatty."

Andy Millman:
Oh, I guess there is.

Darren Lamb:
Oh look, this is the worst one. "Suicide Bombers get lotto funding."

Andy Millman:
What's that got to do with me?

Darren Lamb:
Nothing... I mean, it's just shocking, isn't it? [Andy sighs]

Darren Lamb:
Look at this one... "Gypsies are eating our pets".

Warwick:
[after Andy has hit on his fianc?] What do you think I've got this ring for!

Andy Millman:
I don't know, you're a hobbit?

Daniel Radcliffe:
[after his condom has landed on Dame Diana Rigg's head] Can I have my johnny back?

Diana Rigg:
MAY I have my johnny back?

Daniel Radcliffe:
May I have my johnny back?

Diana Rigg:
Please.

Daniel Radcliffe:
Yeah.

Diana Rigg:
Not called a johnny though, is it?

Daniel Radcliffe:
Durex?

Diana Rigg:
No, that's a brand name. May I have back my prophylactic, or sheath?

Daniel Radcliffe:
May I have my prophyac...

Diana Rigg:
Tic.

Daniel Radcliffe:
Prophylactic. Can I have it please?

Diana Rigg:
Yes.

[hands condom to Daniel]

Diana Rigg:
Excuse me. Haven't you forgotten something?

Daniel Radcliffe:
Oh... Thank you, Dame Diana.

[puts it in his pocket]

Andy Millman:
Still going to use it then?

Daniel Radcliffe:
Yeah, it'll be fine.

Andy Millman:
Lucky girl.

Daniel Radcliffe:
[coming on to Maggie] I've done it with a girl. Intercourse wise.

Daniel Radcliffe:
[Taking off his glasses and speaking to Maggie] Oh, God, I've still got these on. I - I don't need these. They're just for the character. Even if I did need glasses in real life, you know, I - I never read.

Obsessive Fan:
Hellooooo!

Agent:
Hello, mate. Alright, how's it going? Darren Lamb, Agent. Nice to meet you.

Obsessive Fan:
This is my girlfriend Julie.

Barry:
Hey, Julie.

Obsessive Fan:
I recognize you.

Barry:
Yes. Possibly.

Obsessive Fan:
You did my mom's guttering, didn't you?

Barry:
Maybe, yeah. Wh- where does she live?

Obsessive Fan:
Amdol Corbs at the BP garage.

Agent:
What's this? You didn't tell me anything about this. What's going on here? How much do you get paid for that?

Barry:
Not much.

Obsessive Fan:
Well it's 200 quid. Mum said he did such a good job she gave him a 20 pound tip.

Agent:
220 quid?

Barry:
I don't have to tell you everything.

Agent:
Oh no no. You don't have to tell me everything. Although i notice you're happy to tell me when you are sleeping in your car and you need somewhere to have a bath. Then you can't keep your mouth shut. But this you're keeping schtum about.

Barry:
You're supposed to be my agent for acting, not bloody artexing or whatever else.

Agent:
Rumbled! Rumbled! He said guttering! Now it's Artexing. What else you keeping from me? I can't- I'm appalled. This is scandalous, Barry. Such a slap in the face.

Obsessive Fan:
Do you do roofing?

Agent:
Do you want- do you need some roofing done? He'll do roofing.

Barry:
No, it's too dangerous. I'm not- I'm not...

Agent:
Oh I'm sorry. You're turning down work now, are you? I'm sorry. It seems that beggars can be choosers, my mistake.

David Bowie:
[sings] The little fat man who sold his soul...

Andy Millman:
The little?

David Bowie:
[sings] Little fat man who sold his dream... Chubby little loser...

David Bowie:
[turns round and plays piano] Chubby little loser... National joke...

David Bowie:
[stops singing] No, not chubby little loser...

David Bowie:
[sings] Pathetic little fat man... No one's bloody laughing...

David Bowie:
[sings] The clown that no one laughs at... They all just wish he'd die...

David Bowie:
[sings] He's so depressed at being useless... The fat man takes his own life...

David Bowie:
[stops singing] No, no

David Bowie:
[sings] He's so depressed at being hated... Fatty takes his own life...

David Bowie:
[stops singing] Fatty? Fatso?

Maggie Jacobs:
Fatso, I like fatso

David Bowie:
Yeah, let's go with fatso

David Bowie:
[sings] Fatso take his own life... He blows his bloated face off

David Bowie:
[stops singing] No

David Bowie:
[sings] He blows his stupid brains out

Linda:
But the twat'd probabably miss!

David Bowie:
[stops singing] Yes, Linda, I like that!

Andy Millman:
Yes, so do I. It's brilliant Linda.

David Bowie:
[sings] He sold his soul for a shot at fame... Catchprase and wig and the jokes are lame...

David Bowie:
[sings] He's got no style, he's got no grace... He's banal and facile... He's a fat waste of space...

David Bowie:
[stops singing] Yeah, yeah. Everybody sing that last line. One, two, three...

David Bowie:
[sings] He's banal and facile... He's a fat waste of space... See his pug-nosed face... pug, pug, pug, pug

David Bowie:
[stops singing] Again!

David Bowie:
[sings] See his pug-nose face... pug, pug, pug, pug. The little fat man with the pug-nosed face... Yeah! pug, pug, pug, pug. Little fat man... pug-nosed face... pug, pug, pug, pug...

[watching an episode of "When the Whistle Blows" on TV]

Andy Millman:
It's bad.

Agent:
It's not BAD, is it.

Andy Millman:
It is.

Agent:
No, "bad" suggests that, you know, it's evil or something. You know, it's not - It's poor... it's rubbish... you know, it's sh*t - it's a sh*t sitcom.

Andy Millman:
It's a shitcom! Oh, we've sorted that out, thanks very much. That's the career over.

Agent:
That's what one of the reviewers said!

Darren Lamb:
[Barry and Darren is standing at a designer bar's counter, Darren is scoping the room. Barry is facing away from Darren, and takes a sip off his cocktail, winces at its strength. Excitedly, to Barry's back] Barry, don't look round a'right... there's a couple of birds, a'right, without drinks. [pleased with himself] I think you know what to do.

Barry:
[knowingly] Oh yes... [turns to the bartender, calls him over] Excuse me, uh... there's a couple of girls over there not drinking, so... I think you should tell them to either buy something or get out.

Darren Lamb:
[trying to interject, talks to the barman] Sor, no... sorry, that's a mistake. No, that's not what I meant, sorry. [puts his hands on Barry's shoulders, to Barry] No, what I meant was, 'buy 'em some drinks', that's an 'in', isn't it, so we can start a conver...

Barry:
[to Darren, frazzled and confused] I thought you were worried that they were taking up valuable space and costing 'em money?

Darren Lamb:
Why would that concern me? It's not my concern!

Barry:
[argumentatively] The man is running a business, the overhead is probably extortionate!

Darren Lamb:
He probably makes a lot of money on food!

Barry:
No no no, don't give me that. There's twenty pubs a day closing down in this country, and its due to people like that. [points at the girls who don't have drinks] Alright?

Darren Lamb:
So what time would be ther right now?

Andy Millman:
Right, It's four o' clock here so... eight hours

Darren Lamb:
[counting with his fingers] Five, Six...

Andy Millman:
No, you're going up

Darren Lamb:
[changes his hand and do exactly the same] Five, Six...

Andy Millman:
You still Going up!Look. It's four o' clock, so eight hours... eight o' clock

Darren Lamb:
That's four hours ahead.

Andy Millman:
In the morning!

Darren Lamb:
Oh. Ok. Yes.

Andy Millman:
Suposse I get it there at nine.

Darren Lamb:
Ten. Yeah. After the coffee

Andy Millman:
Right. Add Eight

Darren Lamb:
to What?

Andy Millman:
Ten!

Darren Lamb:
Ten? Eighteen.

Andy Millman:
[exasperating] What you mean eighteen?

Darren Lamb:
Oh no. Add eight. Hours you mean. Sorry.

Andy Millman:
Of course. So call it at six o' clock.

Darren Lamb:
Right. Their Time.

Andy Millman:
Our Time!

Darren Lamb:
Our time. Yeah. And What time would be over there?

Andy Millman:
Ten.

Darren Lamb:
Ten. At night?

Andy Millman:
In the morning!

Andy's Agent:
All right, mate! Come and check this out. I just typed in fifty eight thousand and eight into a calculator, erm, and low and behold, amazingly, it comes up B*OBS! You see that? That's worth knowing, isn't it?

Kate Winslet:
How many more movies do we need about the Holocaust? I mean, we get it, it was grim.

Maggie's Boyfriend:
So all that stuff about your husband "polishing his Oscar", was that supposed to mean wanking?

Kate Winslet:
Yep.

Maggie's Boyfriend:
And your basement meant?

Kate Winslet:
My fanny.

Maggie Jacobs:
I think I need to go for a wee. [sigh] That's the third one already.

Andy Millman:
Good. Well, keep me posted throughout the week. Maybe keep a journal.

[Andy and Maggie, in costume as a German refugee and a Nazi soldier, are discussing her new boyfriend between takes]

Maggie Jacobs:
[quietly, embarrassed] He likes to talk dirty on the phone. He'll call me up and he's coming out with all this filth.

Andy Millman:
Why... would you tell me that? [grinning] What does he say?

Maggie Jacobs:
He calls up and says things like "Ooh... what are you doing?"

Andy Millman:
What do you say?

Maggie Jacobs:
Well I didn't know what was going on at first - I didn't realize - and I was just honest with him and I said "Oh, I'm just cleaning out the vegetable drawer to the fridge."

Andy Millman:
[bursts out laughing] What if he thought that was a euphemism? "Ooh, I'm cleaning out my vegetable drawer. Ooh, I'm scrubbing my front step." Have you talked dirty back to him?

Maggie Jacobs:
No, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarrassing. What if I say something and he just laughs at me, or something and it's too much and he gets all offended?

Andy Millman:
Well no, it's just stuff like "Ooh, I'm playing with myself." [they laugh]

Kate Winslet:
[getting coffee behind them in her nun's habit] Sounds interesting.

Andy Millman:
Hey. Not me, her.

Kate Winslet:
Go on.

Andy Millman:
[pause, then in a rush] Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.

Kate Winslet:
Oh yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Why don't you just start with something light, you know, like um - "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa-Loompas," you know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, run with the old classics, like "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb ferret." And then go straight in hard, like "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?

Maggie Jacobs:
[incredibly uncomfortable] Yeah.

Kate Winslet:
Okay? Back on. [stands up, walks away]

Andy Millman:
[to her as she walks away] Love to Sam Mendes. [stunned, to Maggie] Kate Winslet, talking dirty to Anne Frank and Joseph Goebbels, just another normal day.

Andy Millman:
[Andy and Mike are in the prop room] Where's this stuff come from?

Mike:
Just buy it.

Andy Millman:
What, there's a shop for a 30-foot swastika, is there?

Mike:
No, I got that from Mum. It's my nan's.

Andy Millman:
Oh my god, I've got Jeremy Clarkson's clothes!

Kate Winslet:
My husband's gonna be rummaging around in my basement while I polish his Oscar.

Andy Millman:
I think, you know, you doing this is so commendable - you know, using your profile to keep the message alive about the Holocaust.

Kate Winslet:
My God, I'm not doing it for that. And I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been? You know, we get it - it was grim, move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust - guaranteed Oscar!

Maggie Jacobs:
Oh, how was the date?

Andy Millman:
The date. Um, oh, good. Let me just go over some highlights for you. Lied to a priest in front of a room full of Christians, some of them elderly, some of them just weird and bewildered. So insulted them and their belief system, made a woman hate me for the rest of her life. Yeah? Didn't believe in God before. Definitely going to hell.

Maggie Jacobs:
Would you rather have a bionic arm or a bionic leg?

Andy Millman:
I think a bionic leg, so I could hop to work.

Maggie Jacobs:
I think leg too, but so I could kick people.

Andy Millman:
But a bionic arm would come in handy some nights.

Maggie Jacobs:
I don't get it...

Andy Millman:
Never mind.

Bunny:
Ho, ho, ho! Smarties. Yum, yum, yum.

Les Dennis:
[Andy is trying not to look at a naked Les Dennis who is drying himself off with a towel in front of him] She likes to video us. And watch it back together. Sometimes I can't believe it's my ass going up and down. I'm getting exited just thinking about it.

Andy Millman:
Well, think about something else then!

Agent:
Do it!

Shaun Williamson:
[quoting Andy's character] Are you havin' a laugh? Is he havin' a laugh!

Agent:
[laughs] I don't know how he comes up with it!

Andy Millman:
He didn't come up with it!

Andy Millman:
Are you havin' a laugh? Is he havin' a laugh?

[Maggie is annoyed at all the girls fawning over Orlando]

Maggie Jacobs:
They're just doing it because you're famous.

Orlando Bloom:
...Well, they're not doing it *just* 'cause I'm famous... No, it's my looks as well.

Maggie Jacobs:
I just don't think they'd be acting like that if you weren't a film star.

Orlando Bloom:
...Yeah, they pretty much would. I've always had attention.

Maggie Jacobs:
No, all I'm saying is if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored.

Orlando Bloom:
[smirks] What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored. I'll tell you who *does* get ignored: Johnny Depp. On the set of 'Pirates of the Caribbean,' the birds just walked straight past him - 'get out the bloody way, whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando.' Around me like flies around sh*t.

Maggie Jacobs:
[surprised] They ignore Johnny Depp?

Orlando Bloom:
Yeah! They're going 'oh, Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?' I'm going, 'it's Johnny Depp!' They're going 'who cares? You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings!' [mocking Johnny] 'Ooh, look at me, I make art-house movies! Ooh, I've got scissors for hands!' Willy Wonka? Johnny *Wanker.*

Andy Millman:
I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. This is not the comedy I set out to do - I wanted to write summat... REAL, that people could relate to, and it's all changed, because people have stuck their nose in.

Agent:
Yeah, I'm hearing you, all right. But do you know what? This is typical first-night nerves. I know what you're thinking - you're thinking "oh, the script's not funny, it's lowest common denominator," and - you know - you're right. But don't worry about it! Because people will watch anything, all right? Particularly if it's after EastEnders and they haven't got to change the channel. Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war. And, uh, you know, ratings in the end are what count. And merchandise.

Keith Chegwin:
Black people aren't funny.

Andy Millman:
Black people are funny Keith.

Keith Chegwin:
Name one black person that's funny.

Andy Millman:
I can name you loads of black people that are funny... Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy.

Keith Chegwin:
British.

Andy Millman:
[pauses while thinking, after a period of silence, glances at a picture of Lenny Henry on the wall, looks back at Keith] Don't change the rules halfway through.

Patrick Stewart:
I will "Make It So."

[blank look from Andy]

Patrick Stewart:
You've seen "Star Trek: The Next Generation?"

Andy Millman:
I haven't, no.

Patrick Stewart:
Why? Your wife won't let you have it on?

Andy Millman:
I'm not married.

Patrick Stewart:
Oh, your girlfriend then?

Andy Millman:
I haven't got a girlfriend either. I live alone.

Patrick Stewart:
You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend... and you've never watched "Star Trek?"

Andy Millman:
No.

Patrick Stewart:
Good Lord...

Iain Morris:
So where do you see this going?

Darren Lamb:
BBC 1.

Andy Millman:
No...

Darren Lamb:
BBC 3.

Andy Millman:
NO! I was thinking BBC 2...

Iain Morris:
Well, we'd like you to write with someone in the beginning just to help you get started.

Darren Lamb:
He'll write with anyone.

Andy Millman:
No, I won't!

Darren Lamb:
He won't write with anyone. That's a deal-breaker.

[Andy has come to see Patrick Stewart in his trailer]

Patrick Stewart:
I'm writing a screenplay and I find the whole process absolutely exhilarating.

Andy Millman:
What's yours about, if you don't mind my asking?

Patrick Stewart:
Well, uh - how best to explain it; you've seen me in "X-Men"...

Andy Millman:
Yeah.

Patrick Stewart:
The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, he can control things with the power of his mind - can make people do things and see things, so I thought, what if you could do that for real? I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.

Andy Millman:
Oh, all right.

Patrick Stewart:
So in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.

Andy Millman:
Right. Oh, that's interesting.

Patrick Stewart:
Yeah. For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.

Andy Millman:
All her - clothes fall off?

Patrick Stewart:
Yes, and she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything. Yeah. I've seen it all.

Andy Millman:
[pause] Okay. It's a comedy, is it?

Patrick Stewart:
No. It's about what would happen, you know, if these things were possible.

Andy Millman:
What's the story, though, what's the...

Patrick Stewart:
Well, I do other stuff; like I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says "Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass!" and I go "Oh no?" And her uniform falls off, and she goes "Ahh!" and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything anyway. And I get on my bike and I ride off. On the grass.

Andy Millman:
[increasingly uncomfortable] So it's mainly you sort of go around seeing ladies' tits?

Patrick Stewart:
Mainly.

Patrick Stewart:
And I do other stuff, like I go to the World Cup final, and it's Germany versus England, and I wish that I were playing, and suddenly I am, and I score the winning goal, and they carry me into the dressing room and there's Roony and Beckham and then Posh Spice walks in and...

Andy Millman:
Her clothes fall off?

Patrick Stewart:
Instantly.

Andy Millman:
Sure.

Patrick Stewart:
And she doesn't know what's happening, but I've...

Patrick Stewart, Andy Millman:
[in unison] seen everything.

Andy Millman:
[pause] Good. Is there a narrative at all, is there like a story in the film, or is it just...

Patrick Stewart:
Well, I'm a sort of a James Bond figure...

Andy Millman:
Right.

Patrick Stewart:
And I have to go to Iraq, to rescue these hostages. And I get there and I rescue them, but they're all women and they're naked because their clothes have rotted off. But I get them into the helicopter, and I'm flying the helicopter, but I can still sneak a look in the mirror and I can see everything, you know. One of them's bending over, two of them are kissing...

Andy Millman:
They've turned lesbian.

Patrick Stewart:
Yeah, because they've been in the camp for so long.

Andy Millman:
Can happen. Well, look, good luck with that. I've just written a sitcom, but I wonder if you could give it to anyone you know, you know, in film or TV...

Patrick Stewart:
Is there any nudity in it?

[on the side, whispering during Patrick Stewart's dramatic monologue]

Maggie Jacobs:
Here's one: What would you rather be...

Andy Millman:
Is now the best time to do this?

Maggie Jacobs:
Right. Would you rather be you, with your face and your legs, and the brain of a chimpanzee...

Andy Millman:
Brilliant.

Maggie Jacobs:
...or would you rather be a chimpanzee, but with your brain?

Andy Millman:
I can't answer that. It's too inane, even for you. That's the worst one yet.

Ross Kemp:
S.A.S stands for Super Army Soldiers.

Andy Millman:
You just want someone to call up and give me an advert?

Andy's Agent:
That would be amazing. That would be brilliant.

Andy Millman:
OK, make sure the phone's on the hook, then.

Andy's Agent:
You joke about it - it was unplugged for two days, no-one noticed !

Andy Millman:
Right, this is the deal... you've been my agent for what, five years? And you're not getting me any real acting work.

Andy's Agent:
Nothing's coming in.

Andy Millman:
[incredulously] Nothing's come in in five years.

Andy's Agent:
That's the problem. I know. I'm as annoyed as you are, but I'm not sure there's a demand for, you know, little 45-year-old blokes.

Andy Millman:
43.

Andy's Agent:
Whatever. You know, I just... I wonder, are you sure you want to be an actor? You know, you've given it five years; nothing's come in. Maybe it's time to just throw in the towel.

Andy Millman:
[holding out his arm, as if introducing his agent to an imaginary crowd] My agent, ladies and gentlemen! My agent.

Ross Kemp:
If Vinnie Jones comes near me looking for a fight, I will unleash hell.

Maggie Jacobs:
[trying to persuade Andy to ask Ross Kemp for a line] Just talk to him. Tell him you loved him in Eastenders, Ultimate Force, Spandau Ballet...

Andy Millman:
He wasn't in Spandau Ballet. You're thinking of Martin Kemp.

Maggie Jacobs:
Aren't they brothers?

Andy Millman:
In Spandau Ballet, it's Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp.

Maggie Jacobs:
So who's this one?

Andy Millman:
Ross Kemp.

Maggie Jacobs:
Who's his brother?

Andy Millman:
I... I don't know if he's got a brother.

Maggie Jacobs:
Yes, he has. The bald one, looks just like him, works in the Queen Vic.

Andy Millman:
Phil Mitchell?

Maggie Jacobs:
Yes.

Andy Millman:
Well, they're brothers on the show but they're not brothers in real life.

Maggie Jacobs:
Yes, they are! They're the Mitchell brothers.

Andy Millman:
[getting exasperated] What do you mean the Mitchell brothers? You know his name's Ross Kemp!

[Maggie is still looking very puzzled]

Andy Millman:
What bit's confusing you?

Maggie Jacobs:
[after a pause. mumbles] The brothers.

Andy Millman:
The brothers.

[an extra walks by wearing a futuristic sci-fi costume]

Andy Millman:
Is that confusing you too? Do you think we've landed in the future?

Maggie Jacobs:
Shut your face!

Minister:
For god sake, you bloody yanks are all the same [snaps document binder] . You all run like a John Wayne and leave us to clean up your mess. I've got three embassies baying for blood. I got two dead diplomats on a partridge on a bloody pear tree. Whitehall running around like a bunch of headless chickens. What exactly am I supposed to tell Prime Minister?

Samuel L. Jackson:
[pausing to exhale cigar smoke] Tell him that Uncle Sam's in town.

Andy Millman:
He doesn't think you're a racist.

Maggie Jacobs:
He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.

Andy Millman:
What, the Rosa Parks incident?

Maggie Jacobs:
It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.

Andy Millman:
Sure.

Maggie Jacobs:
Why don't you just tell him you don't want to be his friend?

Andy Millman:
It's too damning. You can't say that to someone. That is saying that you fundamentally have a problem with their personality.

Maggie Jacobs:
What are you gonna do?

Andy Millman:
The only honourable thing I can do.

Maggie Jacobs:
What?

Andy Millman:
Add him to the long list of people that I have to avoid for the rest of my life. You can never have that time back.

Ian McKellen:
If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action, wizard "You shall not pass!", cut. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.

[referring to Lord of the Rings]

Ian McKellen:
How did I know what to say? They had my lines written down on a script. How did I know where to stand? People showed me.

[Andy storms into his agent's office]

Andy Millman:
Idiot.

Agent:
You talking to me?

Andy Millman:
Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?

Agent:
What play?

Andy Millman:
The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play, it's so... gay.

Andy Millman:
[Darren has got a date with Maggie] Oh my god, it's worse than I thought. She's hit rock bottom.

Agent:
[proud of himself] Yes she has.

Ian McKellen:
[explaining how he acts so well] Case in point: Lord of the Rings. Peter Jackson comes to me in New Zealand and said to me: Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the Wizard. And I said to him: You are aware that I am not really a wizard?

Andy Millman:
How's the wife?

Bunny:
Oh, gone! I was living a lie and she knew it, but now I'm able to go out and enjoy some serious cock guilt free. Yuma, yuma, yuma, yuma!

Ian McKellen:
[shouting] George, can you get us some vaseline?

Clive Owen:
Oh, f*** off! I'm Clive Owen. That's mental!

Andy Millman:
No. What are we doing? Selling ourselves. Selling everything. The happiest day of my life - oh, quick, I'll do the invites and bake a cake and get a press tent. Must have a press tent - it's a wedding. I must see pictures of meself with other people I'm in the programme with. Oh, now I'm pregnant - we must televise the birth. Quick, see if Ryan Seacrest will present it. Maybe it'll make E! channel's "100 Greatest Caesarians". I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities just living their lives out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi. Then they come out and they do their second autobiography - this one's called "Love Me or I'll Kill Myself". Well, kill yourself then. And the papers lap it up. They follow us around and that makes people think we're important, and that makes us think we're important. If they stop following us around, taking pictures of us, those people wouldn't take to the streets going "Oh quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple". They wouldn't care; they'd get on with something else. They'd get on with their lives. You open the paper and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, and the headline is "Cover Up Lindsay, We Can See Your Knickers". Of course you can see her knickers - your photographer is lying in the road, pointing his camera up her dress to see her knickers! You're literally the gutter press. And f*** you, the makers of this show, as well. You can't wash your hands in this. You can't keep going "Oh, it's exploitation, but it's what the public want". No, the Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called "Big Brother" or "American Idol", where, in the preliminary rounds, we wheel out the bewildered to be sn*ggered at by multimillionaires. And f*** you for watching this at home. Shame on you. And shame on me. I'm the worst of all 'cause I'm one of those people that goes "Oh, I'm an entertainer, it's in my blood". Yeah, it's in my blood, 'cause a real job's too hard. I would love to have been a doctor - too hard. Didn't want to put the work in. Would love to be a war hero - I'm too scared. So I go "Oh, it's what I do". And I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino is cold, or if they look at me the wrong way. You know what a friend of mine once said? They said I'll never be happy 'cause I'll never be famous enough. And they were right. And if you're watching this, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. You're my only friend. And you never did anything wrong. It was everything else. I'll never do that again. I'll never treat you like that again. It's eating me that you asked me a stupid question once, and I just... I could've answered it and I didn't, 'cause I was... I'll answer it now: I'd be the penguin, 'cause I could eat the flying fish. I know what you're thinking - "why doesn't the fish fly away?" Well, it can't really fly; it's all glide and flap. They should be called 'glidey flappy fish'. I'm so sorry.

Darren Lamb:
I've been waiting to hear that, mate.

Shaun Williamson:
I don't think he was...

Darren Lamb:
He's a good guy. He is a good guy.

Shaun Williamson:
Yeah.

Andy Millman:
I'm gonna go now. Cheers everyone.

Greg Lindley Jones:
I saw you in Doctor Who as a slug. Very convincing.