George Lopez

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]

George:
From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

George:
Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years?

Benny:
We Lopezes are a proud people...

George:
You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

Angie:
You think your only contribution to this family is a paycheck?

George:
That's my job in this family, Angie. When I was a kid my mom always complained about how there wasn't a man around to help her with the bills. Look, a man isn't a man unless he's a provider. I'm a hunter! I'm a provider!

Angie:
A hunter? You can't even give the dog eye-drops!

George:
If he looked away I could.

George Lopez:
Hey, how was church?

Angie Lopez:
Fine. Father Rick called you "one of the angels among us" 'cause you're donating a kidney to your dad.

George Lopez:
I like that. Y'know Angie, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

[daughter Carmen enters the kitchen in frustration]

Carmen Lopez:
Hahhhh.

George Lopez:
Carmen, it's okay, you're beautiful on the inside, they all don't hate you, you'll find something you're good at, there'll be other boys, you probably need some time alone, see you tomorrow morning honey.

Carmen Lopez:
Dad, I went to, like, fifteen stores at the mall. Nobody wants to give me a job.

George Lopez:
Since when are you looking for a job?

Carmen Lopez:
Well, I just got my learner's permit so I'm trying to save up for a car.

George Lopez:
My baby's growing up. [kisses her head]

George Lopez:
Seems like just yesterday you were my little girl on the tricycle. Now you're gonna be a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on the tricycle.

Carmen Lopez:
Hey, I'm gonna be a good driver, but I really need my own car.

George Lopez:
Y'know, look, if you really want a car that bad I could help you find a job.

Carmen Lopez:
Really? Where? Please tell me it's the record store, the clothing store. Oh my god, is it a receptionist at a male modeling agency?

[mockingly]

George Lopez:
Well, I could make a phone call. Y'know after I stopped modeling, I did keep up my contacts.

[primping in a mirror]

George Lopez:
And Travis, so, owes me.

Carmen:
Dad.

[her father in a primping zone]

Carmen:
Daaaad.

George Lopez:
Huh?

Carmen Lopez:
Where's the job?

George Lopez:
I'll talk to Mr. Carillo.

Carmen Lopez:
Mr. No! Not Mr. Carillo! I don't wanna work in some crappy dive folding burritos!

George Lopez:
Hey, I work there all through high school, okay. You'd be lucky to have a boss like Mr. Carillo.

Carmen Lopez:
What if one of my friends see me working there?

George Lopez:
Hey, it'd less embarrassing than being a senior and rollerskating to all the parties.

Carmen Lopez:
Okay, I'll do it.

[when their daughter is late from school]

George:
Okay, I'm here. Have you found Carmen yet?

Angie:
No, And I'm worried sick. It's her first day at a new school, and she should've been home an hour ago.

George:
Come on, it's an hour. She's got no money. She's got no friends. She's probably walking around the mall crying.

George:
Carmen, we need to talk. Come on, let's go for a ride.

Carmen:
[suspiciously] Am I coming back?

George:
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

[having a father-daughter talk while driving]

Carmen:
Where are we going?

George:
I just want to talk. And the first thing I want to say is I should've punished Max a lot more than I did.

Carmen:
[sarcastically] Well, I should call the newspaper. "George Lopez Admits When He's Wrong."

George:
[murmur] Be the adult, be the adult.

George:
Ok look, maybe I went easier on Max because I know why he peeped. I was a boy. I get that. I don't get you anymore. I did when you were a little girl 'cause you were just like a little boy except you never got caught on your zipper.

Carmen:
Well, I'm not a little boy or a little girl anymore. I'd like a little privacy. And I'd like some respect.

George:
That's fair.

Carmen:
And I'd like my feelings listened to.

George:
Ooh, that's a tough one.

Carmen:
Why?

George:
Because everything's a crisis with you. There are no small problems.

George:
I'm on overload, Carmen. I mean, I thought teenagers were supposed to lock themselves in their rooms and never talk to their parents. I was kinda looking forward to that.

Carmen:
Well, I'm sorry I tell you all my problems.

George:
No, you shouldn't be. I have to get better at this.

George:
Look, I promise to start listening to your feelings if you promise not to have so MANY of them.

Carmen:
Deal.

George:
And don't ever think I love Max more than I love you. 'Cause that's not right.

Carmen:
[voice breaking] Okay.

George:
Why are you crying?

Carmen:
I'm happy.

George:
[voice breaking] I got you this cellphone to make up for everything. Stop crying.

Carmen:
[crying] Oh my god. It's a cellphone! (hugs George)

[to the car beside him at the light]

George:
[crying] Hey, what are you looking at? We're feeling in here!

George:
Go, man! The light's green.

Max Lopez:
[Veronica claims she smoked a "fatty"] What's a fatty?

George Lopez:
One of Ernie's girlfriends, now go to bed!

[repeated line]

George:
Orale.

[repeated line]

George:
Dammit, I can never do nothing!

[repeated line]

George:
Whapah!

George:
[When Angie thinks George can't do something on his own] Please Angie! [pats his chest] I got this!

George:
This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

George Lopez:
I don't know what to do about Max, Angie! Last yeah he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elfs...

Carmen Lopez:
You said we're not allowed to watch TV.

George:
Well, this is different. This is for Jason's baseball career.

Carmen Lopez:
Well, what if there was something about poetry on TV and I wanted to watch it.

George:
We watch something about poetry on TV every year. It's called How The Grinch Stole Christmas.

Carmen Lopez:
What?

George:
It rhymes.

Jason:
I like the dog with the antlers.

George:
I know. It's classic.

George:
I don't wanna be the bigger person! I wanna be small and mean... like a scorpion. I'll be like that [Imitates a scorpion waving its pincers] Then I get you all distracted by my pincers. Oh, but you forgot about my tail. WHAPAH! [Bends forward]

Angie Lopez:
...when you sting her, your tail's gonna fall off and you'll die.

George:
That's bees. You don't know nothin'. I win.

Veronica Palmero:
[She is caught shoplifting] You only gave me $40 to live on. How else am I supposed to get nice things.

George:
Get a damn job!

Veronica Palmero:
You're just jealous because you're poor.

George:
[to Angie] Oh, no she didn't!

George:
We're gonna start with a different game tonight. It's called "Bombshells." In the suburbs, it's called "You might wanna sit down for this. It's a shocker." In the hood, it's called "Oh, no you didn't."

[repeated line]

George:
Sabes Que! I'm gonna solve this the Lopez way.

George:
[Hearing something outrageous and saying it before and after:] Ta Loca!

George:
I decided not to introduce her to my mom.

Angie Lopez:
So, you're already treating your sister better than you treated your wife! Gah!

Brooke:
So this is the first wedding you've ever planned?

George:
Yeah, and you're wearing a white dress, so we both stretched the truth a little.

Ernie:
[to Brooke, George's wedding client, in a queer-like voice] Hi, I'm Len. I'm the chunky assistant, and I'll be doing your fitting. Oh, and don't worry if you get naked 'cause I'm gay!

George:
Beat it, Rosie O'Donnell.

[repeated line]

Ernie:
Golly!

George:
[Benny falls asleep from being drunk] OK. Hear me out. We have eight hours 'til she comes to. We can get her deep into Mexico. We'll put her in a Pikachu costume. We'll leave her with a stick and a note that says "Beat me. I have candy inside."

George:
[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!

Ernie:
[Benny removes her jacket to reveal a sign hanging over her shoulders] "Ask me how I endangered my grandchildren's lives." Turn around so I can see the answer.

Benny:
Bend over. I'll give it to you.

Angie Lopez:
[to Max] Remember Sammy the Skater, the little penguin with the little helmet. [singing a jolly jingle] You can still be rad when you wear your helmet and your elbow pads.

George:
You know what else Sammy the Skater sings, Angie? [sings a song to the tune of Pop Goes the Weasel] Shut up. Shut up. You're makin' it worse, now meet me in the kitchen.

George:
I can be Italian.

[starts dancing]

George:
Da dada dada dada dada. Try the cannolis. Forget about it. I know a guy. Watcha. Bada Bing! Hoooe!

Linda Lorenzo #2:
That's a stereotype.

George:
You're Mexican. What do you care?

Carmen Lopez:
Dad, do we have bubbly water?

George:
Yeah! It's called beer and you can't have any!

Drive-Thru clown head:
How can I hell you?... You like a fren frie?... One minute plee... Que es fountain drink? A soda? Why you no say soda, stupid?

Angie Lopez:
[Viewing Benny's breast implants] So, you think those are what men really want?

Benny:
Why don't you ask your dad? He hasn't taken his eyes off them since he got here.

Vic Palermo:
I'm only viewing them as a doctor.

Benny:
And what is the good doctor's opinion?

Vic Palermo:
Oh, they're yummy!

Angie Lopez:
Daddy!

George:
[Showing off his grill] Rotisserie attachment. Do I need it? No. Do I use it? No. Happy I got it? You bet your ass.

George:
One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

George:
[Answering phone] Powers Brothers Aviation. May I help you? [to Marisol] It's for you.

Marisol:
Hello? Hey, Junior. Nah, that's that fool I was telling you about. No, it's okay. I could talk. I know, huh! I know, huh! I know, huh! [George hangs up the phone] Hey, that wasn't cool!

George:
I know, huh!

Junior:
Don't mess with me homes.

George:
Homes? Look. It's Casper the Friendly Chicano. What are you brother besides confused?

George:
Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.

George:
[to Veronica] How could you shoplift sexy underwear that are Angie's size? [to Angie] Keep these.

Vic Palermo:
[Repeated Line] Ay dios mio!

George:
When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Daunte Culpepper:
Central Florida has already offered Jason a full ride.

George:
A full ride. Now we're talkin. We're talking about convertible with 20-inch rims, and speakers so loud, that fat people jiggle when you drive by.

George:
I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

Walter:
[to Angie, dressed as a sexy nurse] Excuse me, nurse. I'm ready for my sponge bath.

George:
Keep it in your pants, Orville Redenbacher.

George:
At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

George:
[Trying to protect Max from internet stalkers] Only I know the secret password.

Max Lopez:
Is it "Whapah?"

George:
Not anymore.

George:
Smell your program! SMELL IT!

Angie Lopez:
If you wanted people to think you had a girlfriend, wouldn't you want to take her out and show her off?

Ernie:
Hey, I don't know how gay men think!

[George moved in with Ernie after an argument with Angie]

Benny:
You have fun spooning Ernie?

George:
At least I can keep a man in my bed.

George:
[repeated line indicating pain] Aye way!

George:
[Noticing Carmen's new breasts]

Carmen Lopez:
Dad, it's just a crop top.

George:
Yeah, well the crops are growing too fast.

George:
Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

George Lopez:
Veronica! You're all grown up! The last time I saw you, you had a ponytail and baby fat.

Veronica Palmero:
So did you.

George Lopez:
At least I didn't have a full diaper. You see, you don't wanna play this game.

Angie Lopez:
Veronica has really changed. Her mother died and all she cares about is the money!

George Lopez:
Not all families mourn, Angie. Some just cash in a gold tooth and throw a party.

George Lopez:
[after he and Angie find women's underwear, perfume, and earrings in Max's bookbag] We should have seen this coming when he started lining his army men in a chorus line!

George Lopez:
[to Max about Veronica] Max, she's your first cousin and you have dyslexia. If you have kids with her, your mom and I will have to pay a dollar to visit our grandkids at the circus.

Claudia:
[on her video will about who will be the trustee of Veronica's inheritance money] Will Vic Palmero please step forward. [Vic steps forward] Good, now bend over and kiss George Lopez's ass because I pick him.

George Lopez:
[to Benny] Why are you treating her so nice? I'm the trustee.

George Lopez:
George, George, my little boy. Remember when I used to hold you?

George Lopez:
That's cause you were drunk and had the spins. Beat it bat!

George Lopez:
I'll take a shot of beer and two olives to shove in my ears so I don't have to listen to these people.

Veronica Palmero:
Yeah, my family's easier to deal with after a couple of drinks.

George Lopez:
You know, a good bartender just listens.

Veronica Palmero:
And a good uncle recognizes his own goddaughter.

George Lopez:
Yeah, probably.

Veronica Palmero:
We walked home.

George Lopez:
Why didn't you take a cab?

Veronica Palmero:
I spent all my money!

George Lopez:
On what?

Veronica Palmero:
I'll give you a hint... I'm kind of like these chips... baked!

George Lopez:
You got high?

Veronica Palmero:
Whoa, is it just me or have we been talking for like, an hour?

Veronica Palmero:
You're just jealous because you're poor.

George Lopez:
Oh no she didn't. I'm not poor! I own a house, 3 cars and hundreds of dollars of change somewhere on this property.

George Lopez:
I know you don't want to hear it, but this is what dads say.

Veronica Palmero:
This is SO unfair.

George Lopez:
Oh I know the answer to that one too, who said life was fair?

George Lopez:
Everyone knows that a man with a job doesn't have to give his wife emotional support.

Marisol:
Powers Brothers Aviation, how can I help your ass?

George Lopez:
[Angie's spending Saturdays teaching ex gang members how to groom dogs] Angie, Saturday is our family day. I grill, you make up a list of things for me to do, I hide in the yard... where can I hide now that there's poop and guns all over the yard?

Marisol:
[talking to a friend on the factory's business phone] I know, huh? I know, huh? I KNOW, huh? [George hangs up the phone] That wasn't cool!

George Lopez:
I know, huh?

Max Lopez:
[why he pretended to be sick] I wasn't ready for my math test. I wasn't getting the problems, Dad tried to help me but I don't have that kind of time.

Carmen Lopez:
[with red highlights] How does my hair look?

George Lopez:
Like you fell asleep in ketchup.

George Lopez:
Angie, the boy came in with his pants already half down, if he trips, they could have sex by accident.

George Lopez:
[busting into the party] Where the hell is Carmen Lopez?

Party Kid:
Where in the world is Carmen *Sandiego*?

Ernie:
[to the kids at the party] Alright, who here has a hot single mom? [all the kids raise their hands] I said *hot*! [all but one kid puts their hands down]

George Lopez:
[about Duncan] I'd shake his hand but he needs it to hold up his pants.

George Lopez:
[about Carmen] How could she say I'm the worst dad ever? I mean there's O.J., and... Macaulay Culkin's dad is still out there.

George Lopez:
[storming in] Carmen!

Angie Lopez:
Don't hurt her! I'm not having another one.

Carmen Lopez:
How can you sleep at night knowing you help bomb babies?

George Lopez:
We don't make the bombs, Carmen, we make the landing gear so the plane can come back and reload.

Carmen Lopez:
Read the shirt, Dad.

George Lopez:
[reads Carmen's T-shirt, dryly] 'Smart bombs are dumb'. Wow, I never knew a rhinestone T-shirt could be so powerful.

Carmen Lopez:
This country has freedom of speech, people fought and died for that right.

George Lopez:
I thought you said was wrong.

Angie Lopez:
Carmen, you don't know how good you have it here. My uncles are in jail because they dared to express their opinions.

George Lopez:
[to Angie] That's not why they're in jail.

Angie Lopez:
I'm making a point here!

Angie Lopez:
[Benny confides in her in a workplace romance] Is it serious?

Benny:
[putting on Angie's beauty product] Would I be asking about this whore paint if it wasn't serious?

Angie Lopez:
Benny, I think it's great that two people your age can...

Benny:
My age? No, Randy is 42.

George Lopez:
Angie, I can't be a co-manager! How would you like to be a co-wife?

Angie Lopez:
If she would just clean the toilets, that would be wonderful.

Angie Lopez:
I signed it the NWA.

George Lopez:
Ice Cube and Dr. Dre's old group? You're sending that to a racist?

Angie Lopez:
Not *that* NWA, the Neighborhood Watch Association!

Benny:
I've had to take crap from people like that all my life. When I was in the 8th grade, my teacher's wallet was stolen and mine was the first locker they searched.

George Lopez:
Please tell me they didn't find it.

Benny:
Hell no, all I had in there was half a bottle of scotch which I paid for myself with my baby sitting money.

Max Lopez:
I think Dad's right, there's even racism in school. I'm pretty sure I'm flunking math because my teacher is racist against Latinos.

Angie Lopez:
Max, half of your class is Latino.

Max Lopez:
No way, there's only 30 of us and 15 of them are Latino.

George Lopez:
You're not helping the cause!

Benny:
Where the hell have you been?

George Lopez:
I was giving Angie a back massage to put her to sleep, she started telling me about her day the next thing you know, I'm out.

Benny:
You made me wait for so long I dozed off too. George! We had a job to do and we fell asleep. We're sleeping Mexicans!

George Lopez:
No we're not. This is what racism does, it makes people feel bad about sleeping. Everybody sleeps, it's night!

George Lopez:
You want to help the cause, you get an education, then you can buy and sell fools like Sorkin.

Max Lopez:
You can't really buy and sell people, can you?

George Lopez:
Like I said, get an education!

Benny:
I need a smoke, and a beer!

Benny:
Nobody's got as good numbers as mine.

George Lopez:
No way. You made these up.

Benny:
Go out and check the warehouse. I haven't worked so hard since I tried to teach you to spell "cat."

Benny:
That's my steering wheel.

George Lopez:
You'll get it back when I get back my golf clubs and the new driver you're going to buy me.

Benny:
How am I supposed to do that if I can't use my car?

George Lopez:
I'm gonna say the same thing that you said to me when I was eight and I stepped on that nail that went through my foot, "Not my problem."

George Lopez:
[to Benny] Mom, I swear if you touch another one of my clubs, I'll take your... I'll hurt your... dammit! There's nothing she cares about!

Benny:
[seeking revenge for the Reno trip] No, it's not over. You screwed me, now I'm going to get you. It's payback time.

George Lopez:
What are you going to do? Raise me again?

George Lopez:
[after Gina asks George to go with her to Reno] Gina, the hotel in Reno doesn't have turn down service, but I do.

George Lopez:
[to Benny] You never taught me anything. You just punished me. I wasn't "Hooked on Phonics," I was hooked to a radiator.

George Lopez:
While all the other kids were camping and getting Indian names, I was alone in the backyard, so I had to come up with my own name: "Boy Who Plays With Himself." After I told all the other Rangers my name, no one would do the secret handshake with me anymore.

Veronica:
[about her father leaving after admitting he wanted her inheritance] I can't believe I thought he'd changed. He just used me to get to my money.

George Lopez:
Well don't worry, I taped a clock to a couple of road flares and put it in his suitcase. That should really start the party at airport security.

George Lopez:
[to Angie] How can you trust Ray after all he's done to your family?

Angie Lopez:
Because I try to find the good in people.

George Lopez:
That's a really annoying habit.

George Lopez:
[to Benny] How come you never told me I had any special talents?

Benny:
Oh, I'm sorry, George, you're right. No one can wet the bed better than you!

George Lopez:
I'll remember to use my special gift on your grave.

Ray:
[to George] Have you been icing your head? It looks a lot smaller.

Angie Lopez:
[to George] You can never admit you're wrong about something.

George Lopez:
That's because every time I do, you go, "That's another one for me," like you're keeping an imaginary score.

Angie Lopez:
It's not imaginary. The score is 72 to nothing.

George Lopez:
[when Benny passes out] We got eight hours until she wakes up, we can leave her in Mexico. We put her in a Pikachu costume, put a sign on her, saying "Beat me, I'm filled with candy!"

Benny:
I don't deserve to be conscious right now.

George Lopez:
[to Benny] I can't believe you never let me drive your car all those years because you were worried about me getting hurt.

Benny:
You're not that special, drop it.

George Lopez:
Is that why you never let me play football?

Benny:
Look, George. If I was going to find a helmet to fit your head, I would have to take out the padding. I was already growing tomatoes out in the backyard, I didn't want another vegetable in the house.

Gina:
I'm in the mood for a little Mexican. What time do you get off work?

George Lopez:
Gina, there are some jobs even us Mexicans won't do!

Rick Martinez:
[to George] I couldn't sleep at night from all the police helicopters.

George Lopez:
Yeah, well, I didn't have a dad. I was glad for the police helicopters. It was the only time in my life I had any male guidance, "Son, go back in the house!"

Rick Martinez:
I don't have a dad either. He died when I was a kid.

George Lopez:
Well, my mom had to work two jobs and I had a learning disability.

Rick Martinez:
Dyslexia?

George Lopez:
Yeah. You know, we have a lot in common.

Ernie:
Yeah, you two started out the same way and then Rick went to college and did a whole lot better.

Principal Stahler:
Studies show that kids with parents who didn't go to college are less likely to go themselves.

George Lopez:
So what you saying is we're stupid.

Principal Stahler:
Good evening, parents. You're probably wondering why only some of you are here.

George Lopez:
Yeah, cuz all the losers stayed at home.

Principal Stahler:
You're all here because none of you went to college.

George Lopez:
[to Angie] Strike that, Angie. We're the losers.

George Lopez:
[to Ernie] It wasn't a real assembly, it was only for parents who didn't go to college. They're trying to inspire our kids by telling them that we're idiots.

Benny:
So when they tell you you're an idiot, they're doing their job, but wen I say it, I'm a bad parent?

George Lopez:
Come on Angie, let's get out of here and go home. [to the principal] Unless I'm too stupid to figure out how to drive my own car.

Max Lopez:
[about the school shooting] I heard a couple of pops and then I saw some kid holding his arm.

Angie Lopez:
You must've been terrified.

Max Lopez:
No, I've seen worse in my video game, "Car Jacker 3" when you shoot a soccer mom for not handing over the keys to her SUV.

Angie Lopez:
What?

Max Lopez:
I didn't want to, but I needed the extra points.

Angie Lopez:
[to George] Are you naked under there?

George Lopez:
No.

Angie Lopez:
Then why are your pajamas on the floor?

George Lopez:
Why are kids shooting kids? Nothing makes sense anymore.

George Lopez:
He's dealing with this the Lopez way.

Angie Lopez:
And how do you do that?

George Lopez:
By not dealing with it.

George Lopez:
[breaking down to the therapist] Then when I was 3, my mom told me the chickenpox was God punishing me for not making it to the potty!

George Lopez:
This is LA, you want to learn Spanish? Take a bus.

Benny:
[about Linda] The last time I saw her, she was all crying and needy.

Angie Lopez:
She was 4 days old!

Benny:
People don't change.

Linda Lorenzo #2:
[after discovering she's been adopted] This morning I woke up and I was the only child of 2 loving Italian parents. Now it's 11:00pm and I'm a Mexican.

George Lopez:
[to Benny about Linda] If you just open up, show her what you're really like, I guarantee she'll never want to see you again.

Benny:
She's not going anywhere. She wants to make me feel guilty and I've got nothing to be sorry about. I couldn't keep both of you, but I made sure she had a good home and nice parents.

George Lopez:
Is that what this is about? Deep down, you feel guilty?

Benny:
I don't need to hear this from you.

George Lopez:
Look, my father wasn't in my life and I always felt like there was something missing because I didn't know him. I'm telling you, Mom, that's how Linda is feeling right now.

Benny:
I am nothing like your father was.

George Lopez:
If you walk out that gate, you are.

Linda Lorenzo #2:
I'll arrange Max to retake the test and then maybe he won't do so well, and I'll be forced to put him back in special ed.

George Lopez:
Wow, you're already holding one of your own on your own back. Congratulations, Linda, you are Mexican.

Linda Lorenzo #2:
[to George] What are my real parents like?

George Lopez:
Well, your father's easy. He left Mom before you were born, I tracked him down last year, I punched him in the face, he asked me for a kidney, and then he died.

Linda Lorenzo #2:
And my mother?

George Lopez:
Oh, she's hard to describe in a few words. She's a short, bitter drunk... actually, that about covers it.

George Lopez:
Max really needs that special ed program.

Linda Lorenzo #2:
I can't put Max back in special ed.

George Lopez:
What? I just introduced you to your real mother.

Linda Lorenzo #2:
And now I owe you?

Benny:
Oh, God. I realized I made a huge mistake!

George Lopez:
Mom, you said you couldn't keep us both.

Benny:
I know! I should have taken her. She's smart, beautiful, has a good job, hell of a woman!

George Lopez:
Of course she turned out okay, she was raised by people!

Benny:
It's tough being the ugly sister.

Linda Lorenzo #2:
[to George] Why don't you want me to meet her? Are you jealous? You don't want to share your mother with me?

George Lopez:
Share? I'll trade! I can be Italian. [in an Italian accent] Try the canollis! Forget about it! I know a guy! Whatcha! Badd-bing-ho!

Linda Lorenzo #2:
That's a stereotype.

George Lopez:
What do you care? You're a Mexican.

Angie Lopez:
Show her this letter Max wrote about why he wants to stay in regular classes, I think it'll help strengthen our case.

George Lopez:
[reads letter] Dear sir or madman... [looks at Angie, continues reading] I really want to stay in regular classes and here are my pot five raisins. [to Angie] We let this kid use a knife at the dinner table?

George Lopez:
[to Linda] Read this letter he wrote, and keep in mind this is not a trained monkey, this is a human boy.

George Lopez:
[Carmen sneaks down to the kitchen in the dark for a snack] We're out of ice cream. [turns on the light and reveals he's eaten a dozen ice cream cups]

Carmen Lopez:
[worried] Do I need to go get Mom?

George Lopez:
Carmen, how would you feel if you found out you were adopted and I wasn't really your dad?

Carmen Lopez:
Dad, don't ever say that... unless you're sure it's true! God, that would explain SO much!

George Lopez:
You're mine! If you were adopted, I would've returned you, California has lemon laws.

George Lopez:
This school can't afford special ed. but they can sure afford urinals that flush themselves.

Angie Lopez:
Why are you so out of breath?

George Lopez:
[laughs] I got them all going at once! It sounded like a waterfall... then the sound of the water made me had to go again.

Max Lopez:
Hey Grandma, guess what? I'm out of special ed!

Benny:
That's great! [covers his ears] Is there something *worse* than special ed.?

Angie Lopez:
[after finding out about Veronica's webcast] You pay money to watch a girl brush her hair?

Ernie:
Hey, I don't steal and I don't hurt people. This is my thing!

Angie Lopez:
[calls for Veronica] Get down her now, you ungrateful tramp!

Carmen Lopez:
[comes downstairs thinking her parents called her] What?

George Lopez:
We know what you did, we want to hear from your mouth.

Benny:
You know, if you were going to give me millions of dollars, I'd give you anything you want, too.

George Lopez:
Mom, I've seen guys get you to do things for ten dollars and a tall boy!

Angie Lopez:
[about Veronica] That's it, that was the last straw. I can't take it anymore. I want her out of this house.

Carmen Lopez:
[comes downstairs again, thinking Angie's talking about her] God, it was just a scratch. I'll pay for it. What do you want from me?

George Lopez:
[to Veronica after she dresses up in a hot outfit at work] Tomorrow, I want you to dress more appropriate. I don't want you distracting the guys working with dangerous machines. Alberto's down to 7 fingers, he can barely tie his shoes.

Vic Palmero:
[talking about the old days back in Cuba] If an old man put his hand down your pants, he was looking for food.

George Lopez:
You kept food in your pants? Why didn't you use a paper bag?

Vic Palmero:
And leave my father without a briefcase? I don't think so.

George Lopez:
We're going to meet the predator at Ernie's apartment and beat the hell out of him.

Benny:
You want me to come along for backup?

George Lopez:
I would but at Ernie's apartment they don't allow pets.

George Lopez:
[shows Freddie a picture] That's my son, Max, my daughter Carmen, my wife Angie.

Freddie:
Is that a garden gnome with a cigarette in its mouth?

George Lopez:
No, that's my mother.

Benny:
What the hell is going on? You woke me up!

Angie Lopez:
Max was in a chat room. You were supposed to be watching him.

George Lopez:
That's right, we pay you to look after our kids, not get drunk and pass out.

Benny:
Hey, I'm 1 for 2, Carmen's alright. [quietly to Max] Is she still here? [Max shakes his head] Well don't worry, the way she was dressed, she will get a ride home.

Benny:
[to George] Let's see, you raised your voice, made a vague threat... you did everything right that they say in Weak Parenting Magazine. [George glares at her] Oh no, please, don't look at me with that disappointed stare, it hurts my self esteem.

George Lopez:
Carmen, you're sixteen. How can you be pregnant?

Benny:
Whoa, deja vu. I remember having this same fight with my dad except he chased me through the neighborhood with a machete. Back then, they let you be parents.

Carmen Lopez:
[to Jason] Let's do it tomorrow night. It'll be so romantic. I'll rent a hotel room for us, buy a sexy new outfit, and I'll bring Mr. Snugglebear?

Jason:
You're going to bring your Mr. Snugglebear?

Carmen Lopez:
Yeah! Does it bother you that he's a boy bear?

George Lopez:
[to Benny] Your house burnt down.

Benny:
That's not funny.

Angie Lopez:
It's no joke. That's why we thought you were dead.

Jason:
[to Carmen] Carmen, a baby? If you breastfeed, I'll be fighting my own baby for 2nd base.

Lydia:
[to her dog] Benny, you want to take a poopy before we get in the car?

Benny:
[turns around] I don't think that's any of your business.

Lydia:
No, not you.

Benny:
Oh yeah, I heard he named the dog after me. I should name something after him. Here's my phone number, let it ring, I might be on the Manny.

Benny:
What kind of stuff did Manny say about me?

Lydia:
Well he said you were the first woman he fell in love with, the first woman he danced with, the first woman to chase him with a knife.

Benny:
[loving look in her eyes] He said that?

Angie Lopez:
[thinking she's gotten old and is losing her looks] No more carbs, go to the gym twice a day, and I might have to start Botox.

Benny:
[Angie talks about how she's still got it] We're coming up on the corner of Ego and Denial, anybody need to get off here, Angie?

George Lopez:
Hey Bat, eyes on the road, wings on the wheel!

George Lopez:
[to an old lady who's still dressing like she's 20] Nice belly shirt. It really brings out those liver spots. [to Angie] There's the finish line, you want to keep running?

Angie Lopez:
You said you loved me for what's on the inside.

George Lopez:
Yeah but right now all that's inside you is fried dough and sugar.

George Lopez:
[to Angie] How would you like it if I showed up at your work wearing fishnet stockings? And I know I got the calves to wear heels!

Max Lopez:
[to his friend] You know what, I made a mistake, this isn't my house at all!

Ernie:
All I have is my lucky purple suit from prom.

George Lopez:
Lucky? You went with your cousin and she gave birth in the bathroom.

George Lopez:
[to Ernie] Hey, don't jump. We're on a fault line.

Angie Lopez:
Who wants a nice healthy snack of carrots?

Ernie:
Nice try.

Angie Lopez:
What?

Ernie:
You're pushing carrots, but you got cake in your teeth. You're a horrible host.

George Lopez:
I'm the manager. It's my job to defend the workers.

Benny:
You never defended me.

George Lopez:
It's not true. I cleaned the stall in the men's room where all that nasty stuff was said about you.

Benny:
What did it say?

George Lopez:
I don't remember. I wrote it a long time ago.

Ernie:
I'm sorry, George. I just sat down for a minute to rest my knees. I guess I must have nodded off. I don't know why they're bothering me so much.

George Lopez:
You know you're supposed to listen to your body, and right now your knees are screaming, "You're crushing us! Eat a salad!"

George Lopez:
I just need to think of a way for him to kill his appetite. Mom, do you have any naked pictures of yourself? [gags] That last one tasted like hot dog.

Mel Powers:
I just got a letter from Ernie's letter saying I'm prejudice against fat people. Does no one remember how big my second wife was?

George Lopez:
Oh, yeah, Sheryl. She wore that green dress to the Christmas party and you fired that guy who accidentally put an ornament on her.

Benny:
[after Ernie crashes the forklift into the vending machine] Wow. When Ernie wants mini-donuts, there is no stopping him.

Angie Lopez:
When I was growing up, my mom had a Christmas tree in every room and each one had its own theme.

George Lopez:
We were poor, on Christmas Eve night I'd sneak into the living room and hang my sock by the fire.

Angie Lopez:
Aw.

George Lopez:
Then my shirt and underwear because we didn't have a dryer.

Angie Lopez:
[flashback] We should do something special, this is Carmen's first Christmas.

George Lopez:
She's not going to remember any of this, Angie, she's 3 months old, she hasn't even smiled yet!

George Lopez:
What does he mean they're closing? It's only 6 o' clock.

Ernie:
Dude, it's Christmas Eve, everyone's going home to be with their families.

George Lopez:
Mom, what're you doing here? You're supposed to be at the casino.

Benny:
Oh they threw me out. Turns out Tony Orlando doesn't like having women's panties thrown at him.

George Lopez:
You went to a Tony Orlando concert?

Benny:
No, he was playing blackjack.

George Lopez:
[in George's stop motion Christmas fantasy] Will you be my friend?

Benny:
Oh I can't, I've got a date with the fat jolly guy in the red suit who likes to bounce me on his lap.

George Lopez:
But Santa's out delivering toys.

Benny:
Who said anything about Santa? [slides down the snow hill] Whee!

George:
Max, there's something you should know... A neighbor moved in next door who's done something bad...

Max Lopez:
Well, what'd she do?

George:
She had sex with a fifteen-year-old boy... [Max rolls his eyes, waiting for more... ]

Max Lopez:
And then... she killed him...? [laughter goes on for thirty seconds, easy; George tries hard not to smile]

George:
No, Max! It's illegal to have sex with minors.

George Lopez:
Make a wish.

Benny:
Let's see, I'm pending trial for a crime my ex-boyfriend committed, yesterday I washed 600 women's underwear, oh yeah and my cellmate's delousing didn't take... I wish for a pony.

George Lopez:
He's not staying the night at our house again.

Veronica:
You'd rather we went to a sleazy motel?

George Lopez:
I'll make the reservation.

Veronica:
[a large bunny's at their picnic table] Tell me this is stuffed, and not Mike in a bunny suit.

George Lopez:
I didn't think of that. Mike, are you in there? [grabs golf club] Mike? [clubs the rabbit in the crotch] It's stuffed, or I got him.

Benny:
[comes in with a wrench after Zack is heard screaming] George, George! I found Zack and I stopped him good. [sees Mel Powers] Oh, Mel. Your son has been in a terrible accident.

George Lopez:
It's San Francisco. They got men and women, women and women, men and men. Sabs que, it's a free-for-all up there!

George Lopez:
[to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.

Carmen Lopez:
I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult, and tomorrow night, I'm going out.

George Lopez:
[to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same, they're worse.

George Lopez:
[to Carmen] You were in hotel rooms. Don't think I'm going to believe nothing happened.

Carmen Lopez:
Nothing did happen! You want to take me to a doctor and get me tested? I'm still a virgin.

George Lopez:
We'll go to the doctor. It's 9:00 at night, We'll go to the emergency room.

Carmen Lopez:
Dad, nothing happened!

George Lopez:
Quit lying!

Carmen Lopez:
It didn't! You raised me better that that!

George Lopez:
No, I didn't. I was never there, I was always busy, I was too hard on you.

Carmen Lopez:
Yeah, you were, and every time Zack tried to get me to do something with him, I heard you tell me, "Don't do anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me or your mother about."

Carmen Lopez:
[to George] You were right about Zack. He was only after one thing.

George Lopez:
You know, baby, I wish I could say the same thing, but I'm always going to be right.

Luisa Diaz:
[talking about Benny at her trial] She didn't help us at all. She left because she got knocked up.

Benny:
What was I supposed to do? Stay there and let you hit me?

Luisa Diaz:
Why do you twist everything we did? We spanked you, sometimes we did it to your face instead.

Benny:
You still shouldn't have done it.

George:
You're supposed to do better for your kids, Mom.

Benny:
Believe it or not, I did.

George:
Then why didn't you do any of the things you asked the OTHER FAMILY TO DO?

Benny:
I didn't think I could!

George:
She made one stupid mistake when she was young. She never committed another crime and she's worked at the same job for 30 years. Don't send her to prison.

Angie Lopez:
I'm going to go upstairs, scrape a dry hunk of toothpaste off of the sink and brush my teeth. [goes upstairs]

Benny:
What the hell is going on? You haven't broken her yet?

George Lopez:
Mom, she's tougher than I thought. We ran out of fabric softener, her thongs are like cardboard and she's wearing them anyway.

Benny:
Where is the boy who made a pillow out of grass clippings and a trash bag? Where is the little boy who lived for a whole month on Halloween candy? Who used pages from a phone book when we ran out of toilet paper?

George Lopez:
He's in me, Mom, I can feel him.

Max Lopez:
It's been three weeks with no TV or internet. All I do is read and go to school. I'm like some poor pioneer kid from the 70's.

Angie Lopez:
Why is it dark in here?

George Lopez:
Some of us don't need to waste money on electricity.

Angie Lopez:
I don't need it if you don't.

Max Lopez:
Is this supposed to be a good marriage? If it is, why do gay people want it so badly?

George Lopez:
You spent 50 cents!

Angie Lopez:
No, I bought these with recycled cans.

George Lopez:
Going through the trash, are you?

Angie Lopez:
I didn't need to, I found 40 empties in the back of your mom's car.

George Lopez:
A stressed-out bride is nothing. At the factory, I work with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers, and I'm not just talking about my mom. There's other people like that there too.

Benny:
We never had wedding planners. All you had to do was get to Vegas, say your vows at the drive-thru chapel, and be on your way.

George Lopez:
Well, Brooke's situation is a little different than yours, Mom. First of all, she's not a minor, she's not pregnant, and she knows the last name of the guy she's marrying.

Benny:
I knew his last name. I just didn't know he was going to be using it for his other family, too.

Brooke:
Everyone else has quit on me. All the good wedding planners are taken. You're my last option.

George Lopez:
It's not the first time I've been a girl's last option, and like all the other times, I'll take it.

George Lopez:
[to Brooke] You know why God made you so pretty? To cover up all the crazy.

Brooke:
[to George] So, this is the first wedding you've ever planned?

George Lopez:
Yeah, and you're wearing a white dress. So we both stretch the truth a little.

Ernie:
[seeing George making wedding invitations] How long have you been at this?

George Lopez:
Six hours. Would've been done faster, but every five minutes or so, I have to look down my pants to remind myself I'm still a man.

Max Lopez:
Mom's planning a huge wedding, so Dad is doing the cooking and laundry. That's why I'm hungry and going commando.

Brooke:
[about the color on wedding invitations] You said I could have the wedding of my dreams and in the wedding of my dreams, the ribbon is champagne!

George Lopez:
When do you dream? You're never asleep!

Ernie:
[looking over the wedding invitations] Didn't you make these yesterday?

George Lopez:
Yeah, but I had to redo them all because Brooke doesn't want to get married on March 29th. She wants to get married on the 29th of March!

George Lopez:
[Carmen's been accepted to Allendale] How much?

Angie Lopez:
You know she can't go back to a regular school where the kids are calling her a whore.

George Lopez:
Under $5000, she goes to Allendale, over $5000, I say we buy her a pair of heels and a miniskirt and embrace this whole whore thing.

George Lopez:
[finding out how much Carmen's new school costs] $14,000?

Benny:
For $100 I could buy her a fake I.D. and she could go right to work

Ernie:
Hey, I'm ready today, Bro. Sabes qu?? I stayed up late watching home improvement shows. Yeah. I think we could class this place up with some sconces and some Roman shades, huh? Huh?

George Lopez:
Look, take it easy, Queer Eye. We're in way over our heads, Man. There's no way we're gonna get this done in three days; not with all the plumbing and electrical stuff.

Ernie:
Yeah, you know, "can't" is just another way of saying "won't".

George Lopez:
You wanna get shocked 'til you pee again?

Ernie:
No... [checks his crotch] So what, what are you gonna do, you gonna call a contractor?

George Lopez:
No, I don't wanna spend the money. Look, I called Victor and Bobby from the old neighborhood; they're on their way over.

Ernie:
I don't know about those dudes, George. They cut a lot of corners!

George Lopez:
That's why I want them! They're quick and they're cheap.

Ernie:
Ch-yeah. But remember when they hooked up the septic tank at the Martinez place? They got the lines all crossed up? The first time the mom used the dishwasher, the whole family got hepatitis.

George Lopez:
Man, she's barely breaking even! I'm not gonna put thousands of dollars into something that might not pay off. Remember her candle business?

Ernie:
[softly] Oh.

George Lopez:
Scents of Cuba?

Ernie:
Yeah.

George Lopez:
It turns out nobody wants to smell like poverty and cigars. [Ernie chuckles; Victor enters and then Bobby]

Victor:
'Sup?

George Lopez:
[Deep voice akin to Victor's] 'Sup.

Bobby:
'Sup.

George Lopez:
[deep voice] 'Sup. [normal voice] 'Memba Ernie?

Victor:
'Sup.

Ernie:
[quickly] 'Sup.

Bobby:
'Sup.

Ernie:
'Sup.

Victor:
So, uh, I hear you need an office for your old lady.

George Lopez:
Yeah and it's gotta be really nice, too, Victor. It's gotta have hardwood floors, recessed lighting, crown molding, everything y todo, the whole nine yarns.

Bobby:
How is Angie; is she still fine?

Bobby:
Still live with your mom and dad, Ernie?

Ernie:
Hey, I pay rent, alright? So it's more like we're roommates.

Bobby:
Did your roommates lay out those nice overalls for you this morning?

Ernie:
No way! She's not even allowed in my room; there's a sign and everything; she knows that, fool! You know what? Whatever, eh. You know what, I don't need this crap. [hangs up his tools in disgust] Victor, Bobby, Victor, why don't you marry em?

George Lopez:
Look. This gotta be done by Monday. That's three days, huh. Can you do it?

Victor:
[looks to the left side of the garage] Hmm, depends. What about permits?

George Lopez:
I'm permitting you.

Victor:
Monday it is.

George Lopez:
Alright, look it, Angie can't know you're here, okay? So you gotta be out of here by 6 every night, before she gets home from the bridal expo.

Bobby:
Hold on, hold on, hold the horse, huh. There's a lot of work here for three days. We don't have a deal until we talk about a equitable compensation package.

Victor:
[points in agreement at Bobby] Mmm. Mm-hmm. Now let's see: We got - we got electric, plumbing, [whistles] carpentry, materials...

Bobby:
You want us to use nails on this, George?

George Lopez:
[in disbelief] Yeah!

Victor:
Hey, relajate. We'll get a box! [turns to Bobby] We won't use them all. So um... [whispers between the men and Bobby agrees to something; Victor tuns to George] 10 cases of beer should do it.

George Lopez:
[doubtful] You wanna be paid in beer?

Bobby:
Well, yeah, it's where the money's gonna go anyway. [pats stomach]

Jonathon K. Martin:
Me and my secretary were fooling around in my office. My wife called. I said there was something on my desk, that needed my attention. Now did I lie?

George:
Cochino, yeah you lied!

Vic Palmero:
The point is that I am marrying a 27 year old!

George Lopez:
You know what Vic? When she goes to her High School reunion, she can bring your ashes. Oh that's not an ash tray, that's my husband.

Angie Lopez:
[to George] Why is my dad kissing your sister?

George Lopez:
Did I mention I got the garage paid off?

George Lopez:
[when Vic walks in with black eyebrows & mustache] Vic, I'm gonna ask you flat out: when did you fall head first into the La Brea Tar Pits?

Benny:
George, George, we were drunk and we were watching boxing, and well, you know how booze and sweaty guys get my horses running.

George Lopez:
[looking sickened] Actually, I didn't, but thank you, Mommy.

George Lopez:
[to Vic] You're offering me two thousand dollars to set you up on a date with my sister?

Vic:
I said one thousand dollars.

George Lopez:
I'm selling you my sister, man. Don't low-ball me.

George Lopez:
I used to dream that I had a big family like the ones on TV. I remember yelling at the screen, "Eight's not enough, adopt a little Mexican boy!"

Angie Lopez:
Daddy's gonna stay here while they tend his condo for termites.

George Lopez:
You don't need exterminators, Vic. Just get all the bugs together and tell them stories about Cuba. They'll kill themselves.

Angie Lopez:
I should go with Daddy to his cardiologist dinner.

Vic:
That is so sweet, but no. It would be too hard for me seeing you in a room full of people you should have married.

George Lopez:
Yeah, I guess Angie could have married a cardiologist, got divorced, taken half of his money, hooked up with some young stud... Oh, that's what your wife did. Did I strike a nerve?

Linda Lorenzo #2:
[to George] You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?

George Lopez:
Why you gotta say it that negative?

Benny:
[when she and Ernie see Vic's dyed hair & mustache] Don't move, there's a black cat on Vic's head. Probably after the little black mouse under his nose.

Benny:
Hey, thank God our last name isn't Tucker

Benny:
[rushing into the house] Hey, you've been pranked!

Angie Lopez:
Oh my god, are you alright? You got blood on you.

Carmen Lopez:
That's Piper's.

George Lopez:
Really?

Carmen Lopez:
Yeah. I punched her in the nose.

George Lopez:
Damn! My daughter's a scrapper!

Benny:
Hey, what's goin' on?

Carmen Lopez:
Carmen got in a fight mom.

Benny:
Look, you got blood on you.

Carmen Lopez:
It's the other girl's.

Benny:
Damn! My granddaughter's a scrapper!

Benny:
I know what you're going through. When I was in high school, they called me easy, cheap, loose... course I was pregnant.

Carmen Lopez:
[watching Marisol put on makeup] Your eye ends here but your eyeshadow goes way back here.

Marisol:
At least I got a reason to put on makeup, all you've done for three days is sit up here and read... stupid reader.

Angie Lopez:
[to Marisol] There's only two things keeping me from tearing into you, my son is asleep next door, and I'm pretty sure you could kick my ass.

George Lopez:
So we're agreed, we're never helping anyone again?

Angie Lopez:
Never.

George Lopez:
If we see someone along the road and they're dying, what do we do?

Angie Lopez:
Just drive on.

George Lopez:
And if somebody leaves a baby on the doorstep?

Angie Lopez:
Wait until night and let the coyotes get it!

George Lopez:
[to Max's scout leader who's been making racist statements all night] And you, Grand Dragon, you've got to the count of three to get out of my yard!

Angie Lopez:
[while Mr. Nettles is chasing his tail] Does that look sick to you.

George Lopez:
Angie look, He's kissing his ass goodbye.

Dr. Lisby:
[talking about Mr. Neetles's tumor disappearance] It's the same dog because he has the same heart earrings in him.

Angie Lopez:
Man I've been looking for those.

Dr. Lisby:
You'll get it back soon.

George Lopez:
Mom, do you know what yesterday was?

Benny:
Wednesday, and I know who the president is too, don't try that with me.

George Lopez:
Mom, think back 36 years from yesterday, think how you came to be called 'Mom'.

Angie Lopez:
I got you one of your favorite childhood idols.

George Lopez:
You got Eric Estrada? [goes outside] It's Pufnstuf! [hugs him] Oh you're all soft just like I knew you'd be!

Max Lopez:
[George is dancing with Pufnstuf] Is daddy drunk?

Angie Lopez:
No sweetie, he's just having his very first birthday.

Max Lopez:
I wish he was drunk, it would make more sense.

Angie Lopez:
What do you say to 12 friends, Spider-man, a few presents, and chocolate cake?

George Lopez:
No, 3 friends, no entertainment, one gift, and a baked potato. [Angie stares at him] What? We're bargaining, I'm starting low.

Benny:
George, if you expect a dog to bite you, you'll be happy if all he does is poop on your shoes.

Angie Lopez:
Happy Wednesday.

Carmen Lopez:
Oh come on, Mom, you know that's not what he wants. Crappy birthday, Dad.

George Lopez:
Exactly what is it we're celebrating? 'You're another year closer to death, have a tie'?

Angie Lopez:
I'm giving your father the birthday party he never had as a kid.

Carmen Lopez:
Why can't you just put on Moulin Rouge and dance around for him?

Angie Lopez:
How did you know about that?

Carmen Lopez:
Oh, don't worry, you're a great role model for me... my friends thought so too.

Angie Lopez:
That's it, no more sleepovers.

Carmen Lopez:
[busts into the bedroom while George and Angie are talking calmly] Mommy, Daddy, please stop fighting! You're going to drive me into the arms of a sympathetic gang member!

Angie Lopez:
[looks at her] Did your father put you up to this?

Carmen Lopez:
No... it's just hard to concentrate... and all this...

George Lopez:
[to Carmen] Okay, two things: You came in a little early... and I didn't believe you on the second one.

Max Lopez:
[comes into the bedroom after George and Angie fight] Mommy! Daddy! Please stop fighting! You're going to drive me into the arms of some pathetic gang member. [turns to the door] Carmen, was that it?

Angie Lopez:
Well, George, I do have time now because I'm not working.

George Lopez:
But home-schooling, Angie, that's a big commitment. Remember that special moment every morning when Carmen finally leaves for school and you say, "Thank God, she's gone"? You won't have that anymore!

George Lopez:
[to Angie] You know what you always say to me when I'm down? A door may have closed, but a window just opened.

Angie Lopez:
Am I really that annoying?

George Lopez:
Let's not go there while you're down.

Carmen Lopez:
Home school! Mom could teach me!

George Lopez:
Why should she be punished?

Benny:
[to George] It took you forever to read one page in a book!

George Lopez:
I was dyslexic!

Benny:
Excuses! George, I did the alphabet backwards with the cop's flashlight in my eyes and you could not even find out that Frog & Toad were friends!

George Lopez:
Not even professionals could teach Carmen. They're thinking of changing the slogan from "No Child Left Behind" to "She's Not Watching, Run!"

Max Lopez:
[to Angie] Why are you trying on your dress now?

Angie Lopez:
I'm trying it on once a week to remind myself not to eat anything that tastes good.

George Lopez:
Sure, Angie. I ruined our string of bad luck with our dyslexic son, our runaway daughter, and my mother who shows no sign of aging or disease whatsoever... [Benny walks by coughing] A window just opened!

George Lopez:
My daughter's gonna be class president, valedictorian, prom queen, everything she can't be with those other kids around.

Carmen Lopez:
[to Angie] So, now you're accusing me of cheating? This is hell! I can't take it anymore! There's no breaks, no one to talk to, it's just you all day! Have you ever spent 8 hours with yourself? No wonder Dad always hides in the garage.

George Lopez:
I'm not hiding. I'm working.

Carmen Lopez:
It doesn't take 3 years to build a birdhouse.

George Lopez:
It does if you're doing it southern plantation style.

Carmen Lopez:
[discovers Max is peeking on Olivia through a hole in Carmen's wall] So what do you think of my little brother?

Olivia:
He's cute.

Carmen Lopez:
Yeah, too bad about his eye.

Olivia:
What's wrong with his eye?

Max Lopez:
[Carmen sprays perfume into the hole] OW!

Max Lopez:
[after Carmen's prank lands him in the hospital with stitches in his head] I'm gonna kill her.

Angie Lopez:
Max!

Max Lopez:
No, I mean it, I'm really going to kill her, and Grandma told me how to make it look like an accident.

Angie Lopez:
You're NOT killing anyone, and now you know what it feels like to have your privacy violated.

George Lopez:
[to Angie] I treat both my kids exactly the same.

Benny:
No you don't, you treat the boy better. But Carmen's gotta get used to it; it's always been this way. I cannot tell you how much easier my life would've been if I'd had something dangling between my legs.

George Lopez:
Ugh, that's a pretty picture of my mommy.

Benny:
Max, how's your head? How many bottles of beer am I holding up honey?

George Lopez:
Honey? You never called me honey.

Benny:
Well, you should've been cuter.

Angie Lopez:
[talking with George on his cell phone, unaware he's right outside the sliding door] Are you coming home soon?

George Lopez:
Yeah, and by the way, make sure you lock the doors, I heard on the radio there's this guy going around breaking into people's houses.

Angie Lopez:
Is he in our area?

George Lopez:
[sneaks up behind her] Yeeeees!

Angie Lopez:
[screams, turns around] Damn you!

George Lopez:
Come on, Carmen, let's go for a ride.

Carmen Lopez:
[suspiciously] Am I coming back?

George Lopez:
As long as you're a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my home.

George Lopez:
[sees the picture Carmen took of Max] You fight with guys, you peep at girls, you sleep in your underwear with a pink bunny, you're a complex dude, Max.

George Lopez:
Why're you crying?

Carmen Lopez:
Because I'm so happy!

George Lopez:
[crying too] I got you a cellphone to make everything better, stop crying!

George Lopez:
I was a boy so I get why Max peeped, but I don't get you anymore. I did when you were little because you were just like a little boy, except you never got caught in your zipper.

Carmen Lopez:
Well I'm not a little boy or little girl anymore and I'd like to have my feelings respected.

Ernie:
Oh my God! How could you peep at my mom, George?

George Lopez:
It was an accident, Ernie. Who watches TV naked after a shower?

Ernie:
She likes to air dry!

Angie Lopez:
[to George] Well, Brad, I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.

George Lopez:
A Cambodian kid?

Angie Lopez:
No! I might be pregnant.

George Lopez:
What? Oh, hell no. Hell no! You better hope Brad and Angelina want another little Mexican boy for their collection because I'm not raising another one!

Angie Lopez:
George, your mom's perfect man might not be in LA. He could be in a trailer in North Carolina or a trailer in Wyoming or a trailer in Alabama.

George Lopez:
I got it: "Operation Take Out the Trash."

Carmen Lopez:
I just got my letter from Northern Vermont, but I'm afraid to open it. This is my last shot, Mom. Not just for an education, for freedom. I can't party and pierce things in this house. I need to go away.

Max Lopez:
But most of my friends have already gotten drunk. I wanna see what it feels like.

George Lopez:
Let me tell you a tragic story about someone who started drinking at your age. Grandma. The end.

Vic:
[to Benny] You will however, die alone with your underwear full of cobwebs.

Vic:
[about his girlfriend] Last night was our first date and it was magical. She says I am the most handsome man she has ever seen.

Benny:
That's so nice. So when you kissed her good night, did her seeing-eye dog growl?

George Lopez:
Mom, you haven't done anything wrong.

Benny:
Well...

George Lopez:
Oh, no, Mom, what did you do? Rob a place, shoot someone? I know, you flashed someone and they killed themselves.

Ernie:
[to George] And the cashier said he saw the robber talking to a Mexican dude with his little girl right before he robbed the place.

George Lopez:
Dammit! Max needs a haircut!

Carmen Lopez:
You know, I still have my bag packed upstairs.

Angie Lopez:
Then go get it.

Carmen Lopez:
You don't mean that.

Angie Lopez:
Yeah, I do. Because having you stay out all night at parties is no different than having you run away.

George Lopez:
[to Carmen] Any problems with the building? Take it up with the super. He's in the next room and he's 11.

Carmen Lopez:
[about the mannequin in the wall] The mannequin represents my spirit trying to get out of a spiritual prison.

George Lopez:
Is your spirit so dumb, it can't use the door?

George Lopez:
[to Carmen] You want to be treated like an adult?

Carmen Lopez:
Uh, yeah.

George Lopez:
Okay, the rent's due the first of the month.

Angie Lopez:
Carmen, your mail came, there's something from a school and a letter from Toby and two pieces of junk mail. [holds up a plate with 2 pizza slices]

Carmen Lopez:
Thank you, thank you...

George Lopez:
Angie!

Angie Lopez:
[gives Carmen the plate] Run up to your room and eat your mail.

Angie Lopez:
And you do all this... for nursing school?

Carmen Lopez:
Why would she need to go to school? She's a dancer and a model.

Taylor:
Yeah, I'm like a triple threat.

Carmen Lopez:
[to Taylor] My dad's making me pay rent!

George Lopez:
Yeah, landlord and a dad, I'm like a triple threat.

George Lopez:
Carmen's about to break. Taylor's eating her food, wearing her clothes and using her cell phone, she's a selfish, ungrateful brat. Carmen now has her own Carmen, night night.

Benny:
I was figuring how much it cost to raise you minus what you mean to me and you owe me $250.

Carmen Lopez:
You know, I still have my bag upstairs.

Angie Lopez:
Then go get it.

Carmen Lopez:
You don't mean that.

Angie Lopez:
Yeah, I do, because having you out all hours of the night is no different than having you run away. We need to know where you are and that you're safe.

Max Lopez:
Have you been wrestling?

Carmen Lopez:
No, why?

Max Lopez:
You got a big purple bruise on your neck.

Carmen Lopez:
[looks in compact mirror] Oh my God, Adam!

Max Lopez:
You name your bruises too? [shows one on his arm] This is Steve!

George Lopez:
From now on, you're homeschooled, anything we don't know, you don't know. When was the Korean War? I don't know and neither do you! What's the Magna Carter? Sorry, bro!

Meter Lady:
I'm here to check your gas meter.

Max Lopez:
My dad says you should put one of those meters on my butt, you'd make a lot of money!

George Lopez:
Angie, have you seen Carmen's dance shirt?

Angie Lopez:
Which one?

Benny:
The ones with the enormous breasts in it.

George Lopez:
Keep it clean! Chi chis!

Angie Lopez:
There's something I want to talk to you about, but first let me make us a cup of tea.

Carmen Lopez:
[groans] No! The last time we had tea it was to talk about my special visitor, oh and you forgot to mention she comes with a couple friends: crampy and bloaty!

George Lopez:
[Adam's at the door] Angie, does that moron have a hickey?

Angie Lopez:
Yep.

Carmen Lopez:
Run, Adam! [Adam freezes]

Angie Lopez:
You better *run*, moron!

Angie Lopez:
[George comes in disheveled with a radio antenna in hand] What happened to you?

George Lopez:
Racial profiling.

Angie Lopez:
What?

George Lopez:
Let me ask you a question: if you're a cop, who do you chase? The BMW that runs a red light, or the Mexican chasing the BMW screaming 'I'll kill you!'?

Angie Lopez:
Is that Adam's car antenna?

George Lopez:
Yep, touch my daughter and you go back to AM, fool.

George Lopez:
Tell her about being 16 and pregnant, tell her about how I ruined your life.

Benny:
Oh you didn't ruin my life.

George Lopez:
This is no time for jokes!

Benny:
[to Carmen] Your father didn't ruin my life, *I* ruined my life. Look, when you're young you meet a guy who seems great, and you forget about what's right or wrong and go to bed with him, and it's pretty good!

George Lopez:
MOM!

Benny:
I'm not going to lie! But then, he doesn't turn out to be as great as you thought and the next thing you know, you're alone with a baby. And while the rest of your friends are out having a great time, you're up to your stretch marks in dirty diapers. I gave up all my pretty years for him [points to George]

George Lopez:
Are you ready for that to be you?

Carmen Lopez:
I'm not going to have sex, I know I'm not ready yet.

George Lopez:
[showing Carmen pictures of STDs to scare her out of having sex] Some of these diseases can kill you, and then there are others like... Angie, where are my genital herpes?

Angie Lopez:
They should be in your lap.

George Lopez:
No, all I have here is crabs.

George Lopez:
[showing Carmen pictures] This is gonorrhea! [Carmen squeezes her eyes shut and moans] Bet you're not glad now you talked me into getting that color printer. [to Angie] The red really pops.

Kid #1:
[after a kid says the wrong thing to a 'stranger' in the school play] Stop.

Kid #2:
Rewind.

George Lopez:
Angie, all Max is going to learn from this is how to work a VCR.

Benny:
I used to read you the newspaper before bed so you knew what was going on in the world. Remember the Zodiac Killer? You said, 'he's not coming to our house, is he?', and I said, 'it doesn't say'.

George Lopez:
I remember that. No Cat in the Hat, no Green Eggs and Ham, just 'psycho kills 12, night night'.

Benny:
Hey, you can laugh, but it worked.

George Lopez:
Alright, this movie might be a little mature for you, but I think it's more important that you learn that not everyone out there is a nice person.

Max Lopez:
What's the movie?

George Lopez:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Cued it up to the educational part.

George Lopez:
[after Angie breaks up the kids watcing Texas Chainsaw Massacre, George pulls out another tape] Well there's no lesson here, but lets see what happens when Leprechauns go bad.

Benny:
That sign that says 'no smoking', is that just for the kids, or for everybody?

Mrs. Johnson:
It's for everyone.

Benny:
How long is the play?

Mrs. Johnson:
Just under 20 minutes.

Benny:
I'll catch it on Broadway.

Carmen Lopez:
How was Max's play?

Benny:
[holding cigarettes] About a pack and a half too long.

Angie Lopez:
[waves at Max, whispers] That's Max!

George Lopez:
[whispers] Yes, and you're Angie, I know ALL of you.

Angie Lopez:
I need my cell phone back.

Max Lopez:
Oh, I'll get it back to you tomorrow.

Angie Lopez:
Where is it?

Max Lopez:
I gave it to Yoshi, he misses his family in Japan. [leaves room]

George Lopez:
[to Angie] Hey, as far as the phone company's concerned, Yoshi stole it.

George Lopez:
[Max pours cereal into a plunger] Hey buddy, what're you doing?

Max Lopez:
It's my new invention: cereal on a stick.

George Lopez:
Cereal on a stick. You're going to come work at the factory with me, aren't you?

Benny:
I can tell you what your problem is.

Angie Lopez:
Could a day go by when you *don't* say that?

Benny:
Your problem is you coddle your children too much. George was always very independent, he was crossing the street by himself when he was 2.

George Lopez:
I was looking for food!

Vic Palermo:
[to George] You think this is easy for me? She is my little girl. [to Angie] You will ALWAYS be my little girl. [to George] Just wait until Carmen brings home some long haired loser in a Black Sabbath T-shirt... and hope that he turns out to be as successful as you did.

George Lopez:
They shot Tiny Timoteo in the first two minutes of the play? What're they going to do next?

Senor Scorooge:
Look out! They're doubling back!

Benny:
I liked that theatre, I can't wait to see what they do with The Nutcracker.

Carmen Lopez:
I can't believe they shot Santa Claus for wearing the wrong colors!

George Lopez:
[to Vic] You know what our Mexican American Christmas tradition is? We open presents and spend time together as a family, but that's not good enough for you!

George Lopez:
Now you have to say something nice about Black Sabbath.

Vic Palermo:
[thinks] I would rather listen to Black Sabbath than have a myocardial infarction. And that was a free one.

George Lopez:
I'm sorry, Angie, I wasn't thinking straight, I've got a lot on my mind right now, I'm going in for surgery soon to have a kidney removed.

Benny:
[getting off the phone] Uh...

Angie Lopez:
Not now, Benny.

Benny:
Manny just died.

George Lopez:
What?

Benny:
Your father's dead.

Angie Lopez:
Benny, you shouldn't speak ill of the dead.

Benny:
You know what? When the dead runs out on you and leaves you a 2 year old to raise by yourself, I'll say whatever the hell I want about him.

George Lopez:
You told me my father was dead. Maybe if I'd known the truth, I could've met him sooner.

Benny:
He knew *you* weren't dead and he didn't come rushing home.

George Lopez:
Yeah because you were there!

Angie Lopez:
If Grandma falls asleep on the couch...

Max Lopez:
Make sure her cigarette is out.

Angie Lopez:
Right, and if she has more than a 6 pack?

Max Lopez:
Lay her on her side.

Angie Lopez:
Good, and she's not supposed to, but if she invites her boyfriend Randy over?

Max Lopez:
Ignore the yelling, they're just rough housing.

George Lopez:
[reading Manny's letter] The doctors say I have very little time left, I might not live long enough to...

Angie Lopez:
Oh my God, he died right then and didn't get to finish the letter.

George Lopez:
No, I can't make out this word.

Angie Lopez:
[reads it] Benefit.

George Lopez:
That's a V.

Angie Lopez:
It's a B!

George Lopez:
[reading] 'To benefit', okay it's a B.

George Lopez:
[whispering at the PTA meeting] How many candy bars does Max have to sell?

Angie Lopez:
200.

George Lopez:
How many has he sold?

Angie Lopez:
10.

George Lopez:
WE BOUGHT 10.

George Lopez:
[at the PTA meeting] They know we want cookies, but they hold them till the end, they're evil. I'm going in, Angie, cover me.

George Lopez:
Nobody NEEDS to see a space shuttle LAUNCH!

Angie Lopez:
[one of the PTA moms] She was taking a box of canned goods to give to the homeless and she said 'Why don't I just cut out the middleman? Happy Thanksgiving'

George Lopez:
OOOH! Mini raviolis!

Angie Lopez:
You're missing the point, George, they think we're broke because we can't afford to send Max on his field trip.

George Lopez:
Angie, she's just kidding.

Angie Lopez:
I thought so too, then I told her how much I liked her sweater, and she GAVE it to me! [pulls it out] With a 20 in each pocket! [takes out $20 bill]

George Lopez:
[suspiciously] Where's the other one?

Benny:
[all dolled up to meet a guy] I'm going down to the Home Depot and act like I don't know nothing.

George Lopez:
Good luck, Mrs. Doubtfire!

George Lopez:
Angie, those people don't know what poor is. Poor is a mother buying 1 churro for 9 kids, telling them 'Lick it and pass it, lick it and pass it, take a bite and see what happens, lick it and pass it' then flips it over, 'Lick it and pass it, why you crying?'

George Lopez:
[refusing to hand over the check to Debbie] Nobody NEEDS to see a space shuttle launch!

Angie Lopez:
Give her the check and I'll buy you a churro!

Amy:
[after setting her arm on fire] I hope I don't need another graft, I'm almost out of butt skin.

Max Lopez:
It's only $500! You spend money on stuff you don't need all the time! Like, why does Mom need a car? She doesn't have a job!

George Lopez:
Whoa! [looks at Angie, sees her scowling, turns back scowling at Max] Don't ever talk like that again.

Max Lopez:
This sucks! [storms out]

George Lopez:
Hey!

Angie Lopez:
He's right, George, this does suck, and don't even THINK about selling my car.

George Lopez:
Really, Angie, where do you go? The store? [she glares at him] I'm kidding! You're already mad!

George Lopez:
Hey Max, want to play some catch with me?

Max Lopez:
Sure, I don't have anywhere to go, like FLORIDA!

George Lopez:
Look, Max, sometimes when you know something's wrong, you have to stand up against it, even if it makes you own son mad at you.

Max Lopez:
You know? Grandma has a lot of money in her bra.

George Lopez:
You're missing the point, and NEVER go in there, even if you think you see gold.

Benny:
George, this cop is never gonna find your daughter. He has arrested me three times and he still doesn't remember me.

George Lopez:
[to Carmen about Zack] He told me he was going to dump you as soon as he got you into bed.

Carmen Lopez:
You're lying! You hate him so much, you'd make up anything.

George Lopez:
Oh, yeah? Did I also make up that he trashed the factory? Or that he got a sixteen-year-old girl pregnant?

Angie Lopez:
He didn't even care enough about that girl to use protection?

Zack Powers:
[to George] My dad knows I'm here.

George Lopez:
I don't care.

Ernie:
Me either. I got $15,000 in the bank, I'll just live off the interest.

George Lopez:
[to Zack about Carmen] I'm not warning you again, it's over between you two.

Zack Powers:
I think it'll be over when Carmen gets out of bed to make me a sandwich. [George jumps to attack him]

Carmen Lopez:
[to her parents about Zack] You guys don't understand Zack! His dad was never there for him and his mom's a bitter old drunk. You have no idea what that's like. [Benny hides her beer]

George Lopez:
[to Benny] Do you want to field that one?

Max Lopez:
[to Benny] Hey, Grandma, you might wanna stand up now because those pigs are gonna be flying out of your butt!

Young Carmen:
[to George during a flashback, carrying a puzzle] Daddy, can you help me put this together?

George Lopez:
[drinking beer and reading the paper] Not now, Carmen. I'm busy. [Carmen leaves the kitchen; end of flashback\current time] Angie, I'm going to find Carmen and bring her back.

George Lopez:
[after finding out Carmen's dating Zack] I am going to kill Carmen!

Angie Lopez:
I'm tired of you leaving me out of everything. We are going to kill Carmen.

George Lopez:
So we'll still have one kid left.

Angie Lopez:
Max is a good boy. He will be our future.

Max Lopez:
[walks out the door in a cheerful mood] Well, I'm off to fail the 5th grade.

Carmen Lopez:
I know why the caged bird sings! [walks away]

George Lopez:
[to Carmen] Well, you're crazy if you think we're getting you a sweater and a bird!

Max Lopez:
My stomach hurts.

Angie Lopez:
What did you eat?

Max Lopez:
Some mints that were in Carmen's room.

George Lopez:
Carmen!

Carmen Lopez:
What's going on?

George Lopez:
Max took some of your mints and they made him sick.

Carmen Lopez:
What mints?

Max Lopez:
The ones in the little tin in your coat pocket under the bed.

Carmen Lopez:
Oh! Those mints. They were probably just stale. How many did you take?

Max Lopez:
5, Monday through Friday.

George Lopez:
What do you mean Monday through Friday?

Max Lopez:
They were all on a wheel. She had about a month's worth.

Angie Lopez:
You're going to be all right, Max. But all the same, I'll call the poison control center.

Max Lopez:
What's going on?

George Lopez:
You accidentally took some of your sister's birth control pills.

Max Lopez:
What's going to happen?

George Lopez:
We're going to kill Carmen, and if you're anything like your mother, you'll experience some tenderness around your breasts.

Benny:
I didn't want to say anything in front of Carmen, but you can't stop her. When I was sixteen, my dad said he would kill me, and I believed it. And I still did it.

George Lopez:
Yeah, well Carmen's not you. She's not willing to do anything for a cheeseburger and a ride home.

Benny:
It was raining and it was chicken nuggets. This is how rumors start!

George Lopez:
[to Vic] When Angie was sixteen, did you give her the Pill?

Vic:
No, I gave it to her sister, Gloria.

Angie Lopez:
Why did you give them to Gloria but not to me?

Vic:
Because when I said that sex was a serious matter that only had importance in the relationship between 2 loving consenting adults, you listened. Your sister didn't.

George Lopez:
Come on, Mom. How many times have you been judged by your background?

Benny:
Hey! When people judge me, it's because they know me. Not because of my background!

Allison:
[hands Max present] Here you go.

Max Lopez:
What's this for?

Allison:
Our one-week anniversary. Don't pretend like you don't remember.

Max Lopez:
Yeah... one week. Where has the time gone?

Allison:
So, what'd you get me?

Max Lopez:
Uh... close your eyes. [Allison closes her eyes, opens her hand while Max looks around room for a last minute gift]

Max Lopez:
Here you go.

Allison:
[looks at present] Gum?

Max Lopez:
...yeah.

Allison:
You don't care about this marriage at all!

[Allison runs out of his room]

Max Lopez:
It's grape!

Carmen Lopez:
How come Max is allowed to have a girl in his bedroom, but I'm not allowed to have a boy in my room?

Angie Lopez:
Please! He still thinks "making out" is looking for change in the couch.

George Lopez:
[about firing Hosni for being Araba and a professional flier] You don't understand how many times I've been discriminated. When I go to the mall, the cops follow me. When I'm mowing the lawn, some of the neighbors ask how much I pay. Once, when I was playing golf, a man actually drove up and gave me his keys to his car!

Carmen Lopez:
What did you do?

George Lopez:
I took it!

Angie Lopez:
How many weeks have you had this period?

Carmen Lopez:
I don't know... six?

George Lopez:
Six weeks, if you went to a Catholic school, you'd be a miracle.

Max Lopez:
What's a period?

George Lopez:
It's a bullet you dodged.

Angie Lopez:
She lied.

Benny:
They lie because they're not afraid of you.

George Lopez:
Mom, we're handling this.

Benny:
I don't see anybody getting hit.

Angie Lopez:
We don't hit our kids, Benny, we threaten to send them to your house.

George Lopez:
Hey hey, isn't this fun for me?

George Lopez:
Angie, does she really need to know how to swim? We're already here.

Benny:
Way to go, officer, you stopped a little old lady from sipping a beer. Why don't you go to a crack house and make sure they're rewinding their videos?

Angie Lopez:
[Carmen and George return from driving and aren't talking] What happened? Was there an accident? Did you hit something? Do we need to wash the car, or bury something? What am I saying? You were here all night, we played charades, you got stuck on "Star Wars" and we all had a good laugh.

George Lopez:
[shows Carmen a calendar] What's the date circled?

Carmen Lopez:
My 18th birthday...

George Lopez:
I circled that, because that's going to be the worst day of my life.

Carmen Lopez:
Oh... why's there a little potato next to it?

George Lopez:
Actually that's a boot, I was angry at you one day and I was going to kick you out.

George Lopez:
[imitating Carmen] I hate you! Stomp, stomp, slam. You're the worst dad ever! Stomp, stomp, slam. Nobody cares about my feelings! Stomp, trip, fall!

Benny:
[sees Max and several other nerdy kids] I've seen this movie before. [chants] Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

Angie Lopez:
You've been tough, I've been forgiving, we've gone into massive debt to get Carmen into the right school, we've stayed up half the night with Max helping him with his learning disorder.

George Lopez:
It's not enough. Last year Max waited up for Santa, this year he and his friends are going to wait on the roof and jack his sleigh. And God only knows what Carmen's going to do with the elves.

Angie Lopez:
I'm not moving.

Benny:
[runs up] Hey guys, there's a high speed chase about to pass by the house. Let's go cheer on the carjacker!

Angie Lopez:
I'll miss your mom, let's get the hell out of here.

George Lopez:
You know, if we move, this will be the last car chase we see... I'll get the lawn chairs, you get a bottle of wine.

Benny:
Uh, Ward, June, I hate to interrupt one parental failure with another but... the Beav's been arrested at the mall.

George Lopez:
What? What for?

Benny:
Oh they wouldn't tell me, they're holding him down there.

Benny:
No matter what happened at the mall, Max will have his day, in food court. [laughs, Angie stares at her] If we don't laugh, we'll cry. [resumes laughing]

Carmen Lopez:
I'll just need the ski equipment, it shouldn't cost more than... five hundred dollars.

George Lopez:
Five hundred dollars? Ta loca, five hundred dollars!

Carmen Lopez:
Well, what if you don't buy me anything for Christmas?

George Lopez:
You're still four hundred and eighty dollars short.

Angie Lopez:
[to Carmen] We have never spoiled you before and we're not about to let some other family start now.

Angie Lopez:
[after George tells her about the trouble between Jack and Mel] Man, it's like a soap opera with ugly people!

Benny:
[comes in the house at night] George, we need to talk. [sees Angie in her nightgown] Shouldn't you be in a store window in Amsterdam?

Angie Lopez:
Shouldn't you be in a medical journal with a big question mark next to you?

Ernie:
[doing cartwheels] I'm team leader! I'm team leader!

George Lopez:
I should've known better than to listen to someone who said the 'tooth fairy and Santa Claus killed each other so don't expect anything for Christmas'.

George Lopez:
[Ernie says he can get the workers to fill their quotas] How're you going to do that?

Ernie:
Five words: pizza party at the zoo.

Benny:
[Ernie and Vic enter the yard with spray on tans] Ernie, Willy Wonka called he wants you back.

Benny:
[Ernie and Vic enter the yard with spray on tans] Ernie, I'm not going to insult you. I just have a message for you. Willy Wonka called. He wants you back at the factory right away.

Angie Lopez:
I need comfort food.

George Lopez:
Too late, there's a house full of teenage girls, all that's left is jelly and taco shells.

Vic Palermo:
[on the phone with is wife] No, don't apologize to me. Apologize to God for walking out on 40 years of marriage! [throws the phone away, turns around and sees George]

George Lopez:
[looks at his beer can] WOW! This doesn't taste like one calorie!

George Lopez:
[Angie's come home late, George thinks she's cheating on him] Angie! There's lipstick on your shirt!

Angie Lopez:
I know, it's mine, and if you smell me, I smell like perfume, and if you search me, you'll find a pair of woman's panties.

Angie Lopez:
People with dyslexia find ways to get out of reading.

George Lopez:
Where does it say that?

Angie Lopez:
[holds a report] Right there.

George Lopez:
Read it to me.

Angie Lopez:
You're doing it!

George Lopez:
I can't be doing anything! Because I don't have anything! And I never gave Max anything, except this fine head of hair!... And salmonella the one time I tried to make my own chicken fingers.

Mrs. Wilder:
I wanted to talk with you about Max's centipede.

George Lopez:
Whoa, I don't know about you, but in our house we call it the 'weenis'.

Max Lopez:
I didn't finish all my homework last night, but I don't want to get behind, so I just have to get up 20 minutes earlier to finish it.

George Lopez:
Yeah, right now it's 20 minutes, then an hour, then you'll be staying up all night to work on a presentation.

Mrs. Wilder:
For every book a student reads, we add to the body of their centipede.

Angie Lopez:
Where's Max's centipede?

Mrs. Wilder:
That head.

Angie Lopez:
A lot of brilliant people in history had dyslexia: Einstein, Churchill, Cher, [George looks at her] Churchill!

Wendy:
You want to come in for a drink? I'm expecting some wine to be delivered.

George Lopez:
Do you know it's 10:30 in the morning?

Wendy:
It's a white wine.

Ricky:
Did you ever do something like this when you were a kid?

Ernie:
[laughs] Oh yeah, one time George and I broke into the school with cans of spray paint... and we made a big banner that said 'learning is cool'.

George Lopez:
[Ernie offers to be Ricky's foster parent] What will you do if he drives the car through your fence?

Ernie:
George, my dad's 75, he does that every week.

George Lopez:
You're Mexi-can, not Mexi-can't.

Benny:
Max, don't EVER try to take something out of a dog's mouth. [shows him her wrist] See this scar? My mother gave me that when I tried to take something out of a dog's mouth.

George Lopez:
[reading his baseball] Autographed by Steve Gravy.

Max Lopez:
It's Garvy.

George Lopez:
In Carmen's handwriting it's Gravy.

George Lopez:
[with Max at the batting cage] Put some more quarters in, Ernie.

Ernie:
I got a better idea, why don't we throw the quarters at him and that way when he misses we still have the money?

Ernie:
Angie lied to you. She told you a BIG lie.

George Lopez:
One of the kids isn't mine? Is it Carmen?

Ernie:
[Ernie paid Marisol to paint a picture of Angie on the garage and credit George for doing it] I tried painting it myself but it started to look like a monkey with b*obs.

Marisol:
A monkey with b*obs still owes me money.

Ernie:
Well go get it from Mariah Carey because that's who you painted!

Angie Lopez:
[George says he painted part of the mural] Which part?

George Lopez:
The butt crack. Your butt had no crack, Angie! It was one big cheek!

George Lopez:
[to Angie] Morning, honey, I tried to surprise you with breakfast in bed but you accidentally locked the door and pushed the dresser in front of it. Check it out: heart shaped pancakes, heart shaped toast, heart shaped ham steak, heart shaped omelet. [Angie cuts all the food in halves] Hey! You're breaking all my hearts!

George Lopez:
[Angie's in a chat room complaining about men] Is anybody defending me?

Angie Lopez:
Yeah, the 13 year old boy pretending to be a lesbian. The rest of them suggest counseling.

George Lopez:
[in deep voice, to Angie] I KNOW! Carla told Ernie and Ernie told me, and doing this hurts my throat but I KNOW!

Benny:
[Angie's dancing drunkenly] Looks like your mom's had more shots than Mr. Needles.

George Lopez:
[Angie sinks against him dancing] Whoa, come back up here, *that* wasn't in The King and I.

Angie Lopez:
[sees the video of their dance] Oh my God! [look of horror] Oh my God.

George Lopez:
Should I fast forward to when the guys start pinning dollars on you?

Angie Lopez:
No.

George Lopez:
How about the part when you start spanking me?

Angie Lopez:
No!

George Lopez:
Hey Mom, you made it for the wedding.

Benny:
I'm just getting a plate, I'm not staying.

George Lopez:
Tell me you didn't cut the cake.

Benny:
I cut a piece off the back, nobody will notice.

George Lopez:
Hey, you gave the dog a name.

Max Lopez:
Yeah, I named him Mr. Needles because of all his shots.

George Lopez:
[the guys from the bachelor party are drunk and calling George a wuss] One more 'wuss' and I tell EVERYBODY at work who cried when the stripper pole danced to 'Over the Rainbow'. [everybody shuts up]

Carmen Lopez:
[watching Angie's drunk dancing] Oh my God, Mom is going to be SO embarrassed.

Benny:
Not if you don't get the video camera! [Carmen looks at her and grins] Hurry!

Benny:
If you do find your father, tell him I want my virginity back.

George Lopez:
Why? What're *you* going to do with it?

Benny:
I'm gonna give it to anybody that's *man* enough to take it.

George Lopez:
[Ernie, Frank and Carl try to teach George to dance by drunk popping and locking] That doesn't look NEAR as pretty when you're sober.

Max Lopez:
[carries Mr. Needles out on a tray, his head in a safety cone] Dad, the dog needs his shot.

Frank:
What's wrong with the dog?

George Lopez:
Why do you think something's wrong with it? He's diabetic and he can't walk. Angie bought him off some homeless guy.

Frank:
...So do you have a name for him or are you waiting to see how this pans out?

Benny:
[after George snaps at her for belittling his search to find Manny] When he left, he changed his name to Henry Lopez for... financial reasons... so, look under Henry Lopez, oh, and I'm giving you *one* of his social security numbers.

George Lopez:
Nice going Bob the Builder.

Max Lopez:
[reaching into the tub drain] I found something, it's small and hard.

George Lopez:
You found my mom's heart.

Max Lopez:
[pulls a bottle out of the tub drain] It's a bottle. Kentucky Bou-bon, maybe there's a message inside.

George Lopez:
Yeah, Grandma's been drinking in the tub and needs help.

Angie Lopez:
There're no knobs on the faucet, how do you turn the water on?

Benny:
I got a pair of pliers.

George Lopez:
If the pliers are in here, how do you change the channel on the TV?

Benny:
I'm not a hillbilly, I got another set of pliers.

Benny:
[George is trying to remove the toilet seat] Hey, don't do that!

George Lopez:
You like this?

Benny:
Yeah I like it!

George Lopez:
Then say thank you. SAY it, Mom, or it's coming out!

Benny:
[grumbling] Thank you.

George Lopez:
What?

Benny:
Thank you for the damned toilet seat!

George Lopez:
Was that so hard?

Benny:
Yeah, it is, you know I don't have a lot of experience with this. Who do I thank for dropping out of high school at 15 and working at a factory? Who do I thank for getting me pregnant at 17? Who do I thank for leaving me alone with a kid to raise? Who do I thank for feeling like I was 60 when I was 20? But thank God I know who to thank for my cushioned toilet seat!

Benny:
Look, you put the soap dish up too high!

George Lopez:
That's because it's an ash tray!

Benny:
It is? [looks at it] That's nice.

George Lopez:
[knock on the bathroom door] Who is it?

Angie Lopez:
[whispering] It's me, Angie, your mom's taking a piece of tin foil off the window, she's making herself a baked potato!

Angie Lopez:
[George is playing a violent video game on the computer] George? [he doesn't respond, to Carmen] What's he playing?

Carmen Lopez:
S.W.A.T Team, but he's killing all the civilians.

George Lopez:
[runs into the kitchen] Angie, quick, show me your body!

Angie Lopez:
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you your mom's using our shower.

George Lopez:
I don't want to work for a company where I can't get fired for smacking a white man's nalgas.

Carmen Lopez:
[asked why she'd go to a party with girls who insulted Toby] But she won't be there!

George Lopez:
See, that's because you're using teenage logic, it's THAT thinking that gets your kind killed first in the horror movies.

[after Carmen and Max break the computer during a fight]

George Lopez:
You guys are spoiled brats. You take everything for granted. You don't know how good you have it. You guys wouldn't have been able to make it through one week of my childhood.

Benny:
Oh, please. They wouldn't last one night at my house. You know, they would probably start crying the very first time they had to drink water out of the tap. "Oh, it's slightly yellow."

[after breaking up a fight between the kids and George punishes them]

Angie Lopez:
That dance is really important to Carmen and you don't have to take away the skate park. Max should just apologize.

George Lopez:
That's it? Look, Angie, we're being way too easy on these kids. You know what my mom would've done to me if I'd pulled any of this crap? She'd make me sit on my hands until they fell asleep and then she'd slap me with them! [begins to slap himself] "Why are you hitting yourself?" "Why are you crying?" "Wipe your tears!"

George Lopez:
[finds out Carmen's wearing a thong] Angie, remember when we said Carmen's virginity was hanging on by a thread? [takes a red thong out of his jacket] THIS is the thread!

Angie Lopez:
[arguing about Carmen wearing thongs] It's the tree that bends that doesn't break.

George Lopez:
Oh yeah? Well is the tree that bends the one wearing a thong? Because that's the one all the monkeys are hanging on!

Benny:
Do they have to do everything I say?

George Lopez:
Yes... okay but you can't hit them, and you can't make them hit themselves either.

George Lopez:
You're going to live here like I did as a kid, so no cell phones.

Carmen Lopez:
Hey!

George Lopez:
No computer games.

Max Lopez:
Hey!

George Lopez:
And if you cry yourself to sleep, save the tears so you have something to drink in the morning.

George Lopez:
Come on, Angie. Last year when I said we should go out for my mother's birthday, I meant so that she couldn't find us.

Zack Powers:
[to Carmen] How come you never wear this tube top for me?

Carmen Lopez:
That's a headband.

Zack Powers:
All right, put this thong on.

Carmen Lopez:
That's a shoelace.

Benny:
It's like my mother always told me, "Get cheated on once, shame on them. Get cheated on twice, start putting out."

Carmen Lopez:
[to Max] Buttmunch!

Max Lopez:
[to Carmen] Buttweed!

Carmen Lopez:
[to Max] Buttface!

Angie Lopez:
[to Carmen and Max] Okay, stop it. You are both buttmunching, buttweeding, buttfaces!

Angie Lopez:
[after George and Benny see Noah kissing a guy] He's a jock. He's probably afraid to come out, so he's using Carmen as a cover. I can't begin to imagine what Noah must be feeling.

Benny:
I don't need to imagine, I saw what he was feeling. It was 17 and muscular...

George Lopez:
Mom!

George Lopez:
[after seeing Noah kiss a guy] Man, that kid's a player. He's just playing for the other team!

Benny:
[about Noah] I know for sure that guy's a liar.

Angie Lopez:
How?

Benny:
He said your cooking was delicious. Either he's a liar or he's never had food before.

George Lopez:
[to Carmen] Your boyfriend's in the closet.

Carmen Lopez:
Oh, my God! [the closet door slowly opens and Zack starts to walk out; George doesn't notice]

George Lopez:
I know, I don't like it either, but just because Noah's gay... [Zack gets back into the closet slowly]... it has nothing to do with you.

Noah:
Look, I'm really sorry about this. I mean, you guys were really nice to me, and your mother. I really enjoyed meeting your mother.

George Lopez:
Enough of your lies, get out! [shoves Noah out the door\mocks Noah] "I enjoyed meeting your mother." Taya loca! "Enjoyed meeting your mother!"

Benny:
Wow, 5 gallons of mayonnaise for $5. When I'm done, they can bury me in it.

George Lopez:
I've never seen my mother run away from anybody before.

Aunt Cecilia:
That's your mother? Georgie! I'm your Aunt Cecelia.

George Lopez:
[remembering] Oh yeah, the poisoned cookie lady.

George Lopez:
[looking at a picture of Manny] Who's that he's holding?

Aunt Cecilia:
That's you.

Benny:
Do you know why he's holding you? Because he just sold your crib for weed.

George Lopez:
What's that smell?

Max Lopez:
That's our new dog.

George Lopez:
Ooh, he doesn't smell new. Put him on his leash and take him for a walk.

Carmen Lopez:
He can't walk.

George Lopez:
Then pick him up and squeeze him till he pees.

George Lopez:
[to the dog] I guess we got a lot of things inside us bothering us. I'm torn up with all these emotions and feelings and, you have ringworm and bladder infection.

Max Lopez:
I've got a better idea. Why don't you take your tired old ass back home, Grandma? [Benny slaps him]

Angie Lopez:
When you slapped Max you hurt his identity.

Benny:
No, I'm sure that's about two feet lower.

Angie Lopez:
We've already grounded Max, no TV for a month.

Benny:
Oh yeah, 30 days without the talking sponge, that's gonna hurt.

Benny:
In my day, disciplining your kids is now called child abuse. Keeping an eye on your man is now called stalking. Hell, back then, no meant yes, at least it did with me.

Max Lopez:
Grandma, did your dad ever say he quit you?

Benny:
Max, where's this coming from?

Max Lopez:
I'm falling behind in school and Dad says he's quitting me.

Benny:
Wow, you know my dad might've beaten me like an old rug but he never gave up on me. You might think about getting your crap together.

Carmen Lopez:
[when she finds out who vandalized the factory] Zack Powers did this?

George Lopez:
Hey, I told you he was a criminal! God help the skank that falls in love with him. [Carmen makes a face]

Benny:
[to George] You do what you have to do, but I'm gonna tell you one thing. I always stood up for you. No matter what they accused you of, breaking a window, cheating on a test. I don't care. I said "He didn't do it" because you were my son. You could've killed somebody and I would've gone on TV and said he's a good boy, even after I hid the body. So you go in, mister manager, and do your job tomorrow.

George Lopez:
Come on, Mel. Would you fire your mom for something she didn't do?

Mel Powers:
Oh, man. I just wish she was alive so I could do it again!

George Lopez:
I had a horrible day. One of the workers trashed the factory. We have to shut down.

Angie Lopez:
[seriously] Oh, my God, who would do that? [laughs] I'm just messing with you. What's gonna happen to your mom?

Benny:
I got one for you, George: "Sapoidi: Shut Angie's Piehole Or I'll Do It!"