Muppets From Space

Ed Singer:
No nostrils. How do you smell?

Rizzo the Rat:
Awful. Trust me, I'm his roommate.

Gonzo:
Rizzo, come here, my Cap'n Alphabet is sending me a message: R U There.

Rizzo:
Are you sure it didn't say are you NUTS?

Gonzo:
People of Earth, do not be alarmed!

Miss Piggy:
Oh brother.

Ubergonzo:
People of Earth: Later.

Pepe:
You tell him, and I will smack you. I will smack you like a bad, bad donkey, okay!

Gonzo:
I had that weird dream again.

Rizzo the Rat:
You mean the one with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?

Gonzo:
Hey, Rizzo, come here! I think my Kap'n Alphabet is sending me a message.

Rizzo the Rat:
Yeah, I know what you mean. I had some guacamole last night, and it's still speaking to me.

Rizzo:
What? I cannot believe that little shrimp left us behind!

Pepe:
I am not a shrimp. I am a king prawn!

Miss Piggy:
Hello little people. What an absolutely splendid day.

Miss Piggy:
Quick, somebody knock and see if Barbie's home!

Noah:
What are you, anyway?

Gonzo:
Oh, uh, good question. Now technically speaking, uhh, let's say, put me down as a... 'Whatever'?

Gonzo:
Rizzo?

Rizzo:
No, it's Santa, but I forgot my reindeer.

Statler:
Is breakfast over?

Waldorf:
No, why?

Statler:
'Cause I think the bacon just ran out.

Pepe:
Hey, Kermit. When will you fix the oven, okay?

Kermit:
What's wrong with the oven?

Pepe:
That.

Kermit:
You know what you are, Gonzo?

Gonzo:
What?

Kermit:
Distinct.

Gonzo:
I'm an alien!

Rizzo:
What, have you been tap-dancing on the barbecue again?

Gonzo:
Remember, I built this new Jacuzzi for my alien family, so please, no eating in the spa.

Gonzo:
Well, it's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.

Kermit:
Gonzo, you are not a one-of-a-kind freak. You're a, uh... uh...

Gonzo:
A whatever?

Kermit:
Well... yeah.

Pepe:
There is a menu correction, okay. We will now be serving baloney sandwiches but no bread.

Miss Piggy:
We're going to pause here and we'll be right back with Gonzo, the Geek Who Fell to Earth.

Miss Piggy:
What are you doing here?

Gonzo:
I'm making contact. What are you doing?

Gonzo:
Rizzo?

Rizzo:
Gonzo?

Miss Piggy:
Kermy?

Kermit:
Piggy?

TV Producer:
What is going on here?

Statler:
I wonder if there really is life on other planets?

Waldorf:
What do you care? You don't have a life on this planet.

TV Producer:
Gonzo, you've got it.

Rizzo:
Sure wish we could find a cure for it.

Gonzo:
Come on, fellas. Take me to my leader.

Agent Barker:
Black belt, third degree.

Miss Piggy:
Platinum belt, with an unlimited line of credit.

Agent Barker:
How about this story? It's about a big, bad wolf and a little pig.

Miss Piggy:
Um, that's three pigs, okay?

Agent Barker:
Not in this version.

Miss Piggy:
Oh! A real story. Intrigue! Danger! New outfits! And it's mine, mine, mine, all mine, a ha ha ha ha... (to camera) Oh, come on, please, you think Ted Koppel never gets excited?

Agent Barker:
We feel your pain, Gonzo.

Gonzo:
They feel my pain!

Rizzo:
I've got a paper-cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain, too?

Miss Piggy:
I've got great news! Gonzo has been kidnapped by the government and it could be a life-threatening situation!

Kermit:
How can that be great news?

Miss Piggy:
Because, I've got a story, I've got a story! Oh! I need to change! Something that says journalistic integrity.

Ed Singer:
DON'T LAUGH AT MEEEEE!

Kermit:
Okay, guys. It's up to us. We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents.

Fozzie:
Well, I have a joke book.

Animal:
Drumsticks, drumsticks!

Pepe:
I have some loose jello, okay.

Kermit:
Okay. Well that settles that.

Ed Singer:
Forgive me my Earthly manners, but, uh, do you have any idea what it's like to be laughed at?

Gonzo:
Yeah, sure I do.

Ed Singer:
To be called names, like 'wacko.'

Gonzo:
Uh-huh.

Ed Singer:
And 'freak-boy.'

Gonzo:
Oh, yeah.

Ed Singer:
And 'paranoid delusional psychopath'?

Gonzo:
Got me there.

Rizzo:
How you doin', Ed?

Ed Singer:
They are coming to Earth, aren't they?

Gonzo:
I don't know.

Ed Singer:
How many of them are there?

Gonzo:
I don't know.

Ed Singer:
When will they be here? And don't you *dare* tell me that you don't know.

Gonzo:
I know not?

Ed Singer:
I'm afraid we're going to have to perform an invasive quadrilobal brain probe on you and pluck it from your head.

Gonzo:
The information?

Ed Singer:
No, your brain.

Dr. Tucker:
From this moment on, if I say you're hungry, you eat. If I say you're sleepy -

Rizzo:
I eat?

Kermit:
What is he doing up there?

Rizzo:
His breakfast cereal told him to sit up there.

Clifford:
Talk about whole grain and nuts.

Kermit:
He's one of us. And no matter what happens, no matter what obstacles we face, we NEVER forget one of our own.

Miss Piggy:
I love it when you take charge.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey! We left Bunsen and Beaker back at the gas station.

Kermit:
Okay... Well, uh, from THIS point on , no matter what happens, we never forget one of our own.

Pepe:
Oh, boy, he fell on you like a ton of bricks, okay.

Dr. Phil Van Neuter:
Feeling a little nervous, are we?

Gonzo:
Of *course* I'm nervous.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Well, don't worry. Everyone is before having their brains sucked out.

Miss Piggy:
Hello! What's a nice man like *you* doing in a guardhouse like *this*?

Rentro:
While they're warming up the brain-sucker for ya in surgery, I brought you a sandwich here, and I cut off the crusts for you.

Kermit:
Okay, guys. We've got to get through those doors.

Fozzie Bear:
Should we just ask permission from those nice men with the rifles?

Pepe:
La la la la lah laah. Lah!

Fozzie:
Wow.

Pepe:
I should, uh, go change, okay?

Dr. Phil Van Neuter:
Remember, if you experience any unpleasantness, please let me know. I would hate to miss it.

Ed Singer:
I'm gonna kill somebody.

Ed Singer:
Excuse me. Can this thing go any faster?

Rentro:
I'm doing *thirty.*

Shelley Snipes:
You backstabbing, underhanded little coffee-pig!

General Luft:
You're terminated.

Ed Singer:
Uhh, when you say 'terminated'...

General Luft:
You need help, Singer! *Find* some!

Gonzo:
Now we can go meet my alien brothers at Cape Doom.

Kermit:
Uh, what makes you think that aliens are landing there, Gonzo?

Gonzo:
Oh, a sandwich told me.

Miss Piggy:
Midnight. The lone alien stands before a naked sky. The mood is tense. My hair looks *great.*

Kermit:
When we pull together, we can do anything.

Rizzo:
Are you telling me we came out here in the middle of the night for a stupid egg?

Pepe:
Sh! It could be full of chocolate, okay.

Shelley Snipes:
This is Shelley Snipes. Please ignore the little sow.

Ubergonzo:
Gonzo, by surviving and thriving on this alien planet, you have proven yourself audacious, courageous, and distinctly one-of-a-kind. We welcome you back with our most ceremonious of ceremonies.

Gonzo:
What's that?

Ubergonzo:
We gonna blow you up, baby.

Kermit:
So... you'll write?

Gonzo:
Oh, yeah, sure I'll write. There's probably a mailbox every couple of light years.

Ed Singer:
Now, you're coming back with me in my... cement truck.

Gonzo:
Kermit, you're the best friend any alien could ask for.

Clifford:
Nah, Baby! Me and Gonzo are very tight. In fact, we're gonna be chillin' in our hot tub later on. Perhaps you'd like to partake in the partay?

[first lines]

Gonzo:
Hey, wait for me! Hold the boat! I'm coming! Noah! Mr. The Ark! I'm here. Barely made it. For a minute, there. I thought you were leaving without... [Noah stops him] Gee, Mr. Noah, sir, I'm gonna come too.

Noah:
What are you, anyway?

Gonzo:
Oh, uh... Good question. Now technically speaking, uh, let's say, put me down as a whatever.

Noah:
What do you mean? What is your species?

Gonzo:
Uh, well, I, I, I... I don't know. I guess there's only one of me.

Noah:
[Steps back, then points at gonzo] THEN YOU ARE DOOMED! [he walks inside, closing the door on Gonzo]

Gonzo:
Wait. Wait! Oh. Huh?

Noah:
[opens the door] Um...

Gonzo:
Yes, sir?

Noah:
You may need this. [grabs an umbrella to Gonzo, then closing the door on him again]

Gonzo:
But, but, but, but... [opens the umbrella, causing to rain] Oh! [screaming in fear] NOOO!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! No! No! No! I don't wannna be alone! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! [dissolve to reality]

Gonzo:
[muttering] No, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to be alone. No, no. [snaps out of his dream, screams] NOOO!!!! [accidentally knocks his best friend Rizzo the Rat out of the hammock, screaming out the window] I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE!!!!!!

Rizzo:
[off-screen] You're not alone.

Gonzo:
[notices rizzo] Who-Who Said That?

Rizzo:
[As The Scene Shows Gonzo Looking Back And Forth Until He Notices The Window, Off-Screen] Gee. I Don't Know. Maybe It's The Rat Who's HANGING OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!!!!!!!

[Miss Piggy runs past Statler and Waldorf]

Statler:
Is breakfast over?

Waldorf:
No, why?

Statler:
Because I think the bacon just ran out.

Pepe:
[comes to the table] The raspberry flap overs will be out in a moment.

Robin:
Hey, Uncle Kermit, what will you do now that you're on vacation?

Kermit:
Well, Robin, once I get those house painters started, l'm gonna kick back and relax.

Pepe:
Kermit? When will you fix the oven, okay?

Kermit:
[confused] What's wrong with the oven? [An explosion is heard in the kitchen. Everyone on the table react to that sound.]

Pepe:
That.

Swedish Chef:
Yurski burski popovers kaboofed!

Kermit:
Yeah... I'll put it on the top of my list...

Pepe:
There is a menu correction, okay? We will now be serving bologna sandwiches. [everyone makes disappointed sounds. Swedish Chef says something to Pepe] But no bread. [Everyone makes a disgusted noise and leaves the table]

[Kermit sees Gonzo coming downstairs looking dejected]

Kermit:
Hey, Gonzo, aren't you performing at that Bar Mitzvah today?

Gonzo:
Nah. Electric Mayhem's covering for me.

Kermit:
[concerned] But, Gonzo, you never miss the chance to get shot out of a cannon. Something wrong?

Gonzo:
No. [beat] It's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.

Kermit:
Gonzo, you are 'not a one-of-a-kind freak! You're a... [falters]

Gonzo:
[annoyed] A whatever?

Kermit:
Well... yeah!

Gonzo:
You see?! See what I mean? I don't even know where I came from, or who I am!

Clifford:
Yo, Kerm.

Kermit:
Hmm?

Clifford:
You weren't expecting some house painters, were you?

Kermit:
Yeah, why?

Clifford:
They're just driving away.

Kermit:
What?!

Clifford:
Animal bit one of them!

Kermit:
Oh no! [The car engine of the house painters truck starts] Wait, guys! Don't let them go! [turns to Gonzo] You know what I think you are, Gonzo?

Gonzo:
What?

Kermit:
Distinct. [turns to run to the door to try and stop the painters] Wait, guys! He didn't mean it! He's just a musician!

Animal:
Musician! Musician! Musician! [Gonzo looks over at photos of the Muppets with their respective family members, before coming to photo of himself, alone]

Gonzo:
[depressed] Distinct, huh? More like extinct... [pours the alphabet cereal in the bowl, but spills a little bit on the table] Oops. [looks at the letters spinning around, then making the words, saying, "Watch The Sky"] "Watch the sky"? Hey! Hey! Rizzo, come here. I think my Kap'n Alphabet is sending me a message.

Rizzo:
[While holding a plate with bologna] I know what you mean. I had some guacamole and it's still taking to me.

Gonzo:
No. No. Really. Look. Look. I'm not kidding. [looking at the letter cereals] It was there just a second ago. I swear, Rizzo. It said, "Watch the sky."

Rizzo:
Are you sure it didn't say "You need help?"

Gonzo:
But, but...

Rizzo:
Maybe you and your cereal would like to be alone. [takes the plate of ] Oh, hey! ? My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...?

Gonzo:
[he pours the cereal the bowl with letters, then grabbing a telescope] Cool. Huh? [he looks at the letters, then making the words, saying, "R U There"] "Are you there?" [calling out] RIZZOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Gonzo:
[excited] Hey, guys! The Cosmic Fish have spoken to me: I'M FROM OUTER SPAAAAAAAACE!

Rizzo:
[not listening] Yeah, yeah, that's great - Pepe, are you in or out?

Pepe:
I'm in.

Gonzo:
Remember guys, I built this new Jacuzzi for my alien family, so no eating in the spa.

Rizzo:
[guiltily] We gotta tell him the truth, Pepe.

Johnny:
Sal.

Sal:
Yeah, Johnny?

Johnny:
There are no cannolis!

Sal:
Yeah, [holds up a slice of cake] but try this cake, this is a beauty!

Johnny:
That is nice! Would you... [sees Gonzo, panics;] Gonzo, Gonzo! [Sal and Johnny turn away as Gonzo approaches]

Gonzo:
Go easy on the buffet, fellas, I just want... [stops, seeing the cake cut and gets shocked] Who...cut...the cake? WHO CUT THE CAKE?! WHO CUT IT?!?!

Johnny [feigning outrage] Oh, look at that!

Sal:
[feigning outrage] Who cut this cake?!

Johnny:
That's awful. They would've done... [walks off with Sal]

Gonzo:
The guests of honor aren't even here yet!

Fozzie:
Hey, great party!

Gonzo:
[sighs] Yeah... [looks up at the sky] I just wish they'd get here.

Sal:
[in the background] Hey, you! Did you cut Gonzo's cake?

Pepe:
You said you going to tell him, okay?

Rizzo:
Pepe, the Jacuzzi thing was your idea, and you have to tell him!

Pepe:
[beat] Si, I will tell him, okay?

[Gonzo appears on TV]

Clifford:
You better get down there, Kerm.

Kermit:
Relax, no one is going anywhere, okay?

Gonzo:
[on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and it was confirmed by the Cosmic Fish that I am from outer space.

Rizzo:
[to Kermit] So, you wanna go now, or wait for the commercial?

Kermit:
...Now. [gets off the couch]

Kermit:
Listen, aren't you taking this alien thing a little too far?

Gonzo:
Kermit, I realize that it may be hard for you to accept me as an alien... But I didn't choose to be one. And, well, I've always had alien tendencies - this just makes sense to me!

Miss Piggy:
[to the agents taking Gonzo and Rizzo away] Hey, studmuffin, hold it!

Agent Barker:
[to the other agent] I'll deal with her.

Miss Piggy:
[sarcastically] Oh, ha-ha you'll deal with moi? Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to get a story okay.

Agent Barker:
How about this story? It's about a big bad wolf and a little pig.

Miss Piggy:
No, that's three pigs okay.

Agent Barker:
[menacingly] Not in this version.

Miss Piggy:
[frowns] Hey, Wait a minute, you're not part of an alien-protection agency! Who are you? Where are you taking Gonzo?! [He grabs her arm] hey! [A stand off between Miss Piggy and Agent Barker] Hi-yah!

Agent Barker:
I'm impressed! [Knocks down a standing post] Black belt, third degree.

Miss Piggy:
Hi-yah! [Knocks down wooden stand] Platinum belt, with an unlimited line of credit.

Agent Barker:
[grins] I like this party!

Miss Piggy:
Oh, ahh, tough guy, tough guy, ha-ha!! Come on, show me, show me! Oh, look, Cindy Crawford.

Agent Barker:
Huh?

Miss Piggy:
Hi-yah! [She hits him in the stomach] ha-ha-ha!

Agent Barker:
[chuckles] Where have you been all my life?

Miss Piggy:
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! [They start dancing around until Agent Barker punches her in the face] Is that all you got?! [Miss Piggy keeps saying it after each punch In the face until she falls towards him and Agent Barker grabs her head in a headlock and gives her a noogie] Not the noogie! HI!!!! [She punches him in the crotch and then he lets her go] Eh!

Agent Barker:
Ooh! [He falls on his knees] Oooooooooooooooh! [He tumbles to the ground]

Miss Piggy:
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! MAMA!!!!!!

[Later, on the set of UFO Mania Live]

Agent Barker:
[tied up] ...That's all I know!

Miss Piggy:
Okay, okay, so, let me get this straight now: This government agency, C.O.V.N.E.T., has abducted Gonzo, and taken him to its top-secret facility?

Agent Barker:
Yes, Miss Piggy.

Miss Piggy:
Well, thank you, darling. You've been most helpful. [excited] At last! [knocks over Barker] A real story! Intrigue, danger, new outfits, and it's mine, mine, mine! All mine! [runs off, then comes back, looking directly into the camera] Oh, come on, please, you think Ted Koppel never gets excited?

Miss Piggy:
Listen, everyone, listen. I've got great news! Gonzo has been kidnapped by the government, and it could be a life-threatening situation! [Everyone gasps in horror]

Kermit:
How can that be "great news"?

Miss Piggy:
Because... I've got the story! I've got the story! [gasps] I need to change! [runs up the stairs] Something that says, "Journalistic integrity"! Oh, I've gotta pee!

Kermit:
Oh, brother!

Fozzie:
What are we gonna do?

Kermit:
Okay, guys, it's up to us: We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents!

Fozzie:
Well... I have a joke book.

Animal:
Drumsticks! Drumsticks!

Pepe:
I have some loose Jell-O, okay? [holds it up and wiggles it]

Kermit:
...Okay, well, that settles that. In circumstances like this, there's only one place to turn...

[Rizzo is in a rat maze in a laboratory with other rats]

Bubba:
[to Rizzo] Hey, Riz. Watch out for those red coicles.

Rizzo:
What red circles? I don't see any... [is all of a sudden electrocuted and is launched into the air]

Bubba:
Nobody ever listens...

Rizzo:
All right, that does it - We're busting out of this joint, boys!

Bubba:
No,Riz, no, even if we got over the wall, we couldn't turn the doorknob.

Rizzo:
Who needs doorknobs? [lifts up his "Mice Girls" poster to reveal a hole, while the other rats gape in shock]

Kermit:
We gotta get through that door.

Fozzie:
Should we just ask permission from those nice men with the rifles?

Kermit:
[exasperated] Fozzie, those are the bad guys!

[Everyone falls into a pile after becoming invisible]

Pepe:
Come on, Kermit. I will help you up, okay. [beat] Why, Kermit, you're so soft and plump...

Miss Piggy:
[threateningly] You got one second to get your hands off me, shrimp.

Pepe:
[mortified] Sorry, Piggy!

Dr. Van Neuter:
Let's see here... Have you ever experienced any achiness in your tentacles?

Gonzo:
I don't have tentacles!

Dr. Van Neuter:
Good, no achy tentacles, good... Head ever come off?

Gonzo:
No, I don't think so.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Good, good, good. Any gingivitis?

Gonzo:
No.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Great. What about problems with that beaky thing you've got there? Itching, swelling, flaking?

Gonzo:
Well, some flaking a couple years ago-

Dr. Van Neuter:
[throws away clipboard] Oh, who cares? It's showtime!

[The Muppets try to escape using the "Door in a Jar", but it only creates a door too small for them to get through]

Kermit:
Gee, that's disappointing...

Miss Piggy:
[sarcastic] Perfect. Somebody knock and see if Barbie's home.

Pepe:
Works for me. Adios! [uses the door]

Rizzo:
What?! [runs after him, but is unable to open the door] Oh, I cannot believe that little shrimp left us behind! [Pepe opens up a larger door next to them]

Pepe:
I am not a shrimp - I am a king prawn! Let's go, let's go! Come on!

Miss Piggy:
Midnight the lone Alien stands before a naked Sky the moon is tense my hair looks great!.

Shelly Snipes:
What?!

Shelly Snipes:
I don't believe this!.

Miss Piggy:
Oh! Uh, Shelly.

Shelly Snipes:
You back stabbing underhanded little coffe pig.

Miss Piggy:
What?

Shelly Snipes:
This is my show, my story, my microphone [Shelly takes the microphone and the camera man starts filming her instead of Miss Piggy] This is Shelly Snipes reporting please ignore this little sow [Miss Piggy takes back the microphone and the camera man starts filming her again]

Miss Piggy:
Disregard this women I don't know what-- [Shelly pulls her ear] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Hi-yah! [She hits her in the stomach and tackles her]

Both:
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Miss Piggy:
[She raps her legs around Shellys head] Wah! [She gets up but Shelly grabs her hair and pulls her down] Wah! Yah! [her legs go flying through the air] [Shelly also pounds miss piggy then gets up and spits out a weave from miss piggy until she gets sprayed by her]

Shelly snipes:
What am I doing?

Miss Piggy:
Um, you are about to give me your job and give everyone here a cup of coffee.

Shelly Snipes:
Oh yes of course right away.

Miss Piggy:
I love this stuff.

Singer:
[to himself] Where is he?

Agent Rentro:
I didn't overhear anything...

Singer:
[looks up] Did I ask you if you overheard anything?

Agent Rentro:
[guilty] No, sir.

Singer:
Because if you did overhear anything, l'm sure you would tell me.

Agent Rentro:
Yes, sir.

Singer:
Or do I have to remind you of Mr. Jumbo's Circus Town and Wild Animal Revue? [Rentro looks afraid] [angrily] Where's he going?! [Rentro stays silent] Oh, look; Sunday's half price at the petting zoo...!

Agent Rentro:
Okay, okay! They're going to Cape Doom!

Singer:
Good, good. Get me the Subatomic Neutro-Destabilizer. [Rentro looks at him blankly] The Subatomic Neutro... [gives up] Oh, the really big gun.

Agent Rentro:
The really big gun! Yes, sir! The really big gun... [retrieves it from a secret compartment, and hands it to Singer] Really big gun.

Singer:
[holds out hand] Clip.

Agent Rentro:
[hands it to him] Clip!

[Singer loads the gun]

Singer:
Let's head for my car.

Agent Rentro:
[stops] Oh. Problem there, sir. [Singer stops] Remember those parking tickets you asked me to take care of for you? And I said that-

Singer:
Oh, just say it.

Agent Rentro ...Car's impounded. [Singer glares at him] Oh, we can take my company car!

Singer:
...Fine.

Agent Rentro:
Great!

[After Singer's gun fails to fire at Gonzo and his family]

Kermit:
[relieved] That was a close one.

Agent Rentro:
Not as close as you think, my friend. [holds up gun clip] [imitating gun:] "Please load weapon"!

[last lines]

Gonzo:
What a great day! That was probably the best day of my whole life! [pause] But, there's one' thing I don't understand.

Kermit:
What's that, Gonzo?

Gonzo:
Why did they ask me to build a Jacuzzi?

[Pepe chuckles]

Pepe:
Come on, Rizzo. Time to bet, okay.

Rizzo:
All right, prawn cracker. I'll see your Maryland crab cakes and I'll raise you a 1958 cheddar cheese never been sniffed.

Kermit:
Crab cakes and cheese?

Clifford:
Can't beat that.

Gonzo:
[excited] Hey, guys! The cosmic fish have spoken to me. I'M FROM OUTER SPACE!

Rizzo:
[not listening] Yeah, yeah, that's great. Pepe, are you in or out?

Pepe:
Si, I'm in.

Gonzo:
I'm an alien!

Rizzo:
What, have you been tap-dancing on the barbecue again?

Gonzo:
No, no, Rizzo. I'm just fine.

Rizzo:
[during a card game, Rizzo's hand of cards bursts into flames unexpectedly; screaming] AAAAAUUUGGHHH! MY CARDS! SOMEBODY GET A FIRE EXTINGUISHER! Not my cards! Oh, no, no, no.

Kermit:
Gonzo, are you sure you're okay?

Gonzo:
Yeah, yeah! Absolutely. But I have to respond. Gotta make contact.

Clifford:
Where's he going with these keys?

Pepe:
[beat] Who cares? Flying saucer, maybe. Dos deuces. De prawn cracker wins!

Rizzo:
Pair of twos! I swear I had four aces. I really did!

Pepe:
?You got to know when to hold it...?

Rizzo:
No, no, no!

Pepe:
?Know when to fold it, Know when to walk...?

Pepe:
You said you going to tell him, okay?

Rizzo:
Pepe, the Jacuzzi thing was your idea, and you have to tell him!

Pepe:
[beat] Si, I will tell him, okay?

Gonzo:
They're calling me!

Rizzo:
Here he comes.

Gonzo:
Hey, Gonzo!

Rizzo:
I can't talk now, guys.

Pepe:
You should've told him.

Rizzo:
I wasn't supposed to!

Pepe:
You said you'd tell him.

Rizzo:
I said, you! I meant you.

Rizzo:
This is ridiculous.

[Rizzo is in a rat maze in a laboratory with other rats]

Bubba:
[to Rizzo] Hey, Riz. Watch out for those red coicles.

Rizzo:
What red circles? I don't see any... [is all of a sudden electrocuted and is launched into the air]

Bubba:
Nobody ever listens...

Rizzo:
Red circles. Right. Now let me see. Cheese, rat poison. Cheese, rat poison. What do you guys think, I'm crazy? This is a no-brainer. This ain't so bad. A little breezy. Oh, boy. Auntie Em, Auntie Em, it's a twister! This is just like one of those carny rides. You just gotta hang on, and at the end I get some cotton candy. I'M GONNA HURL!!!! You're just trying to play mind games here. But I know the cheese is safe... ...because you think I'm going for the poison, right?

Evil Scientist Man:
Hey, rodents. You know the cheese I promised you... ...after you ran that maze and took those tests? It was delicious.

Rizzo:
No cheese? NO CHEESE? All right, that does it - We're busting out of this joint, boys!

Bubba:
No, Riz, no, even if we got over the wall, we couldn't turn the doorknob.

Rizzo:
Who needs doorknobs? [lifts up his "Mice Girls" poster to reveal a hole, while the other rats gape in shock]

Dr. Van Neuter:
Let's see here... Have you ever experienced any achiness in your tentacles?

Gonzo:
I don't have tentacles!

Dr. Van Neuter:
Good, no achy tentacles, good... Head ever come off?

Gonzo:
No, I don't think so.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Good, good, good. Any gingivitis?

Gonzo:
No.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Great. What about problems with that beaky thing you've got there? Itching, swelling, flaking?

Gonzo:
Well, some flaking a couple years ago-

Dr. Van Neuter:
[throws away clipboard] Oh, who cares? It's showtime! Here we go.

Gonzo:
Oh, brother.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Excellent, excellent.

Gonzo:
What's that thing?

Dr. Van Neuter:
I don't know. Here we go. Here we go. Just stay like that.

Gonzo:
Okay.

Pepe:
This way.

Miss Piggy:
Whose bright idea was this, anyway?

Fozzie:
Which way, Kermit?

Pepe:
Kermin! Kermin! This way.

Miss Piggy:
I can't breathe!

Pepe:
Come on, Kermin!

Dr. Van Neuter:
Okay. Here we go.

Gonzo:
Wait, wait.

Dr. Van Neuter:
What is it?

Gonzo:
Are you sure this is covered by my HMO?

Dr. Van Neuter:
Good question. I'll check.

Rizzo:
Gonzo.

Gonzo:
Rizzo. You're alive. Where have you been?

Rizzo:
You don't want to know. Sit tight while I chew through these straps.

Gonzo:
Yeah, yeah.

Rizzo:
Okay.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Good news. You're covered with a $10 co-pay. Okay, hold still. And remember, if you experience any unpleasantness, please let me know. I'd hate to miss it.

Rizzo:
Do you mind?

Dr. Van Neuter:
Excuse me. Wait! Oh, good Lord! A rat! I hate rats!

Bubba:
Then today ain't your lucky day, Doc.

Rat #1:
Ready for an operation?

Rat #2:
A little experiment.

Pepe:
Forward, Piggy. Forward.

Kermit:
Doctor.

Pepe:
Doctor.

Kermit:
Doctor.

Pepe:
Doctor.

Kermit:
Just a couple of doctors.

Pepe:
Doctors in the hallway. That was close.

Kermit:
To the right, Fozzie.

Pepe:
Forward, Piggy. Too fast, too fast. The door. Stop!

Kermit:
What in the world?

Singer:
This is big, general. I think we should notify the president.

General Luft:
I'll be the judge of that.

Singer:
As always, sir.

Dr. Van Neuter:
No, don't tickle me!

Pepe:
What do we do?

Miss Piggy:
Will you please get me out of here?

Dr. Van Neuter:
No, no, no! I can't breathe!

Gonzo:
Hey, guys. Quick, get me out of here!

Singer:
Today, sir... ...we must think with a big mind. Behold. Irrefutable evidence of extraterrestrial life.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Release me...

Singer:
This looks worse than it is, general. Obviously, the...

Dr. Van Neuter:
Get off of me, you vermin!

Singer:
The alien is loose in the building. But not to worry, because...

General Luft:
Don't bother. You're terminated.

Singer:
When you say "terminated"...

General Luft:
YOU NEED HELP, SINGER! FIND SOME!

Agent Rentro:
Well, how'd that go for you, then? Okay?

Gonzo:
So sorry I got you into this mess. Anyway, thanks for coming to save me.

Kermit:
You can thank us once we're out of here. All right, everybody, quietly now.

Woman in Security Guard:
Stop! Come back here!

Animal:
Help! Mommy!

Woman in Security Guard:
Please, please. Listen to me. You can't leave me. I need you.

Animal:
I go now.

Woman in Security Guard:
Fine. Go on, go. You're all alike. Animals. Call me.

Kermit:
Animal! Animal!

Gonzo:
Come here!

Rizzo:
Way to go, Romeo. Now let's get out of here.

Gonzo:
Let's go, let's go.

Singer:
I'm gonna kill somebody.

Agent Rentro:
Now, now. Remember, calm blue ocean. You let it go. Baby steps, remember? Baby...

Singer:
FIND THE ALIEN! NOW!

Agent Rentro:
Yes, sir.

Bubba:
Yo. [walks close to Rizzo; Rizzo whimpers] How you doing? I'm Bubba.

Rizzo:
Hey. Rizzo. Nice to meet you.

Bubba:
Nice to meet you. How'd you like to meet some of the boys here?

Rizzo:
Uh… Sure.

Bubba:
That up there, that's Fast Eddie, harmonica extraordinaire.

Fast Eddie:
Hey.

Rizzo:
How you doing, Ed?

Fast Eddie:
Well, I ain't dead.

Bubba:
Over here's Troy. [Troy was weightlifting]

Troy:
[grunts]

Bubba:
This back here, that's Shakes.

Shakes:
[shaking] Hi. Hello. How you doing? Welcome. [to someone] Hi. Hello…

Bubba:
They're doing a new caffeine substitute on him.

Birdman:
Gladys?

Bubba:
And that there is the Birdman.

Birdman:
Where are you? Gladys? Here baby, sweetie.

Bubba:
He don't bother nobody. He's been here forever. [Gladys, a pigeon, flies on the Birdman]

Birdman:
Gladys! Come on, the guys are watching.

Bubba:
He just likes to hang out with his birds. Know what I mean?

Rizzo:
Huh.

Bubba:
So, er, that about does it for all of us here at the Medical Research.

Rizzo:
Medical Research?

Bubba:
Yeah.

Rizzo:
B-but that would mean that we're… lab rats! GONZO, GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!

Muppet Actors:
Bill Barretta as Pepe the King Prawn, Bobo the Bear as Agent Rentro, Johnny Fiama, Bubba the Rat and Rowlf the Dog

Muppet Actors:
Kevin Clash as Clifford and Carter

Muppet Actors:
Dave Goelz as Gonzo, Waldorf, Swedish Chef, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Zoot

Muppet Actors:
Brian Henson as Dr. Phil Van Neuter and Sal Minella

Muppet Actors:
John Henson as Sweetums

Muppet Actors:
Adam Hunt as Scooter

Muppet Actors:
John Kennedy as Dr. Teeth

Muppet Actors:
Jerry Nelson as Robin the Frog, Statler, Uber-Gonzo and Floyd Pepper

Muppet Actors:
Frank Oz as Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal and Sam the Eagle

Muppet Actors:
Steve Whitmire as Kermit the Frog, Rizzo the Rat, Beaker and Bean Bunny