Shrek

[Shrek discovers the seven dwarves have placed Snow White on his kitchen table knocking everything on it, off.]

Shrek:
Oh, no, no, no, no! Dead broad off the table!

Dwarf:
Well, where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken!

Shrek:
Huh?

[rushes over to his bed to find...]

Big Bad Wolf:
What?

Shrek:
[Carrying Big Bad Wolf by the scruff of his neck] I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a terrifying ogre. What I have to do to get a little privacy?!?!?!?

[Shrek, his swamp filled with fairytale creatures, glares at Donkey]

Donkey:
Hey, don't look at me, I didn't invite them!

Pinocchio:
Oh, gosh, no one invited us!

Shrek:
What?

Pinocchio:
We were forced to come here!

Shrek:
By who?

Little Pig:
Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed... and he signed an eviction notice.

[arriving at Duloc]

Shrek:
[observing a giant building] So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle...

Donkey:
Uh-huh, that's the place.

Shrek:
Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field

Fiona:
Where are you going? The exit's over there!

Shrek:
[going to save Donkey] Well, I have to save my ass.

Fiona:
[shocked] What kind of knight are you?

Shrek:
One of a kind.

Fiona:
The sooner we get to Duloc, the better!

Donkey:
Oh, you gonna love it there, Princess, it's beautiful!

Fiona:
And my groom-to-be Lord Farquaad, what's he like?

Shrek:
Well, let me put it this way, Princess: men of his stature are in SHORT supply.

[chortles]

Donkey:
Yeah! Though there are those who think little of him!

[laughs]

Donkey:
Hey, what's your problem, Shrek, what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?

Shrek:
Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me! People take one look at me and go "Aargh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me - that's why I'm better off alone...

Donkey:
You know, Shrek... when we first met, I didn't think you were a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

Shrek:
Yeah, I know.

Shrek:
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just being here. Urrrgh!! Ow!!

[Shrek has been hit by an arrow]

Fiona:
Oh, oh, this is all my fault...

Donkey:
Why, what's wrong?

Fiona:
Shrek's hurt!

Donkey:
Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!

Shrek:
Donkey, I'm okay!

Donkey:
You can't do this to me, Shrek, I'm too young for you to die! Keep your feet elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anybody know the Heimlich...?

Fiona:
[grabs Donkey] Donkey, calm down! If you want to help Shrek, go into the forest and look for a blue flower with red thorns.

Donkey:
Blue flower, red thorns! Okay, I got it! Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns! Don't die, Shrek, and if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light!

Shrek:
Donkey!

Donkey:
Okay, okay. Blue flower, red thorns! Blue flower, red thorns!

[runs off]

Shrek:
What're the flowers for?

Fiona:
For getting rid of Donkey.

Shrek:
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

Shrek:
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up!

[The angry mob stops. Warily they parts the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]

Villager #1:
[sotto] Think it's in here.

Villager #2:
[sotto; intense] All right. Let's get it!

[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopping him]

Chris:
Whoa! Hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?

[A third villager pipes in]

Mike:
[forboding] Yeah. It'll grind your bones for its bread.

[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]

Shrek:
[brightly, laughing] Yes. Well, actually, that would be a giant.

[The villagers hear the new voice and spin around. Shrek is standing nonchalantly behind them, he advances on them as he speaks, getting more intense and terrifying as he does. They back away frightened]

Villagers:
No!

Shrek:
[starts nonchalant and build] Now ogres-- Oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

[Villager James leaps forward bravely waving the torch in front of him]

James:
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

[Shrek leans away, avoiding the torch and watching the man with casual indifference. When the Villager is done with waving, he holds the torch threateningly in front of him. Shrek moistens his thumb and forefinger and reaching forward, snuffs out the torch. The villagers stand stunned for a moment]

James:
Right.

[Shrek huge long roar. Simultaneously the Villagers screw their eyes closed and scream for all they're worth. The villagers huge long scream. Their scream outlasts Shrek's roar and Shrek ponders them for a moments]

Shrek:
[whispers] This is the part where you runs away.

[They all run as fast as they can. We cut in close of Shrek as he watches them go. He chuckles to himself]

Shrek:
And stay out!

[Shrek suddenly notices a small flyer that the Villagers have left behind. He picks it up and reads it]

Shrek:
"Wanted. Fairytale creatures."

[He tosses it into the ground and heads back into his house]

[There is a line of fairytale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairytale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs]

Guard:
All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

Captain:
Next!

Guard:
[taking the witch's broom] Give me that! Your flying days are over. [breaks the broom in half]

Captain:
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

Guard:
Get up! Come on!

Captain:
Twenty pieces.

Little Bear:
[crying] This cage is too small.

Donkey:
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Donkey's owner:
Oh, shut up. [jerks his rope]

Donkey:
Oh!

Captain:
Next! What have you got?

Geppetto:
This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio:
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. [his nose grows]

Captain:
Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio:
Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!

[Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table]

Captain:
Next! What have you got?

Donkey's owner:
Well, I've got a talking donkey.

Captain:
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

Donkey's owner:
Oh, go ahead, little fella.

[Donkey just looks up at her]

Captain:
Well?

Donkey's owner:
Oh, oh, he's just... he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

Captain:
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Donkey's owner:
No, no, he talks! He does. [pretends to be Donkey] I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.

Captain:
Get her outta my sight.

Owner:
No, no! I swear! He can talk!

[after Shrek scares off the guards to save Donkey; he walks back home with Donkey following him]

Donkey:
Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!

Shrek:
[looks back, but sees nothing] Are you talking to... me?

Donkey:
Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I just tell you that you was really great back there? I mean, those guards. They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek:
Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey:
Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek:
Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? [walks away]

Donkey:
But, uh, I don't have any friends, and I'm not goin' out there by myself. [catches up to Shrek] Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together, we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

[Shrek roars at Donkey.]

Donkey:
Oh, wow! That was really scary. And if you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!

[as Shrek continues walking, Donkey shows up again from the log on gap.]

Donkey:
Man, you almost burned the hair out of my nose, just like the time... [Shrek muffles him] And then I ate some rotten berries. Man, I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

Shrek:
[to Donkey] WHY are you following me?!

Donkey: I'll tell you why. [sings] Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone. There's no one to deride me. But ya gotta have friends...

Shrek:
STOP SINGING! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey:
Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Shrek:
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?

Donkey:
Uh... [looks Shrek up and down] Really tall?

Shrek:
No! I'm an ogre! Y’know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey:
[shakes his head happily] Nope.

Shrek:
[surprised] Really?

Donkey:
Really, really.

Shrek:
Oh.

Donkey:
Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek:
Uh... Shrek. [continues walking]

Donkey:
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right.

Donkey:
[looks at a hovel] Whoa, look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?

Shrek:
That would be my home.

Donkey:
Oh, and it is lovely! Y'know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at a boulder] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. [eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home] I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?

Shrek:
I like my privacy.

Donkey:
Y'know, I do, too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint and they won't leave, then there's that big awkward silence, you know... [silence ensues] ...Can I stay wit you?

Shrek:
Uh, what?

Donkey:
Can I stay wit you... please?

Shrek:
[sarcastically] Of course!

Donkey:
Really?

Shrek:
No.

Donkey:
Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak, Shrek! [slight pauses; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!

Shrek:
Okay! Okay. But one night only.

Donkey:
Ah, thank you! [runs to the chair inside]

Shrek:
Ahh! What are you doing?! No, no!

Donkey:
This is gon' be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', [pauses for a few 2nds] I'm makin' waffles!

Shrek:
Drrr'ohh!

Donkey:
Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek:
Outside!

Donkey:
[pauses; shocked] Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.

Shrek:
[in an announcement -- and to the fairytale creatures and villagers] OK, fine. Attention all, fairytale things. Don't get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from.

[The fairytale creatures and villagers cheer happily]

Shrek:
[to Donkey] You! You're comin' with me.

[Farquaad enters, the torturer has his back to us]

Gingy:
[off-screen] No!

Lord Farquaad:
That's enough! He's ready to talk.

[The torturer spins around revealing he has been torturing a Gingerbread Man. Close on the table, as a Gingy is thrown down on a cooking tray. Gingy coughs and hacks. Farquaad strolls up to the executioner, revealing that he is only about four-and-a-half feet tail. He approaches a table in the center of the room, his hat just visible above the table. Farquaad laughing menacingly and clears throat. The table is lowered mechanically revealing Farquaad]

Lord Farquaad:
"Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

Gingy:
You're a monster.

Farquaad:
I’m not the monster here! You are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. [evilly crushes Gingy’s legs to crumbs as he shines a light on him] Now, tell me! Where are the others?!

Gingy:
Eat me!

[He spits milk in Farquaad's face. Farquaad slowly wipes it off]

Farquaad:
[through clenched teeth] I've tried to be fair to you creatures!? Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I am...!

[Farquaad leans over, reaching for Gingy's buttons.]

Gingy:
No, no! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

Farquaad:
Alright. Who is hiding them?

Gingy:
[broken] Okay. I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?

Farquaad:
The Muffin Man?

Gingy:
The Muffin Man.

Farquaad:
Yes. I know the Muffin Man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingy:
Well, she's married to the Muffin Man.

Farquaad:
The Muffin Man?

Gingy:
[screams] THE MUFFIN MAN!!!!

Farquaad:
She's married to the Muffin Man?

[The dungeon doors burst open suddenly and a guard approaches]

Captain:
My lord! We found it.

Farquaad:
[eagerly] Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]

Gingy:
Ohhh...

Farquaad:
Magic Mirror.

Gingy:
Don't tell him anything! [Farquaad drops in the trash can] No!

Farquaad:
Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

Magic Mirror:
Well, technically, you're not a king.

Farquaad:
Uh, Thelonius?

[Thelonius the executioner smashes a small looking glass] You were saying?

Magic Mirror:
[nervous] I mean you're not a king yet! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...

Farquaad:
Go on.

[Shrek enters the tournament]

Lord Farquaad:
What is that? It's hideous!

Shrek:
Well, that's not very nice. [gestures to Donkey] It's just a donkey.

[Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion.]

Donkey:
Okay, let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad’ll give you back your swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

Shrek:
Y’know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

Donkey:
I don't get it, Shrek. Why didn’t you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Y'know, throttle him! Lay siege to his fortress! Grind his bones to make your bread! The whole ogre trip.

Shrek:
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drank their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

Donkey:
Uh, no, not really, no.

Shrek:
For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

Donkey:
Example?

Shrek:
Example? OK, uh... ogres are like onions!

[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]

Donkey:
They stink?

Shrek:
No!

Donkey:
Oh, they make you cry?

Shrek:
No!

Donkey:
Oh, you leave 'em out in the sun and they start turnin’ brown and start sproutin' little white hairs...

Shrek:
[peels an onion] No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have… Ogres have… You get it? We both have layers!

[frustratingly heaves a sigh and then angrily walks off]

Donkey:
Oh! You both have layers! You know, not everybody like onions. Cake! Everybody loves cake! Cakes have layers!

Shrek:
I don't care what everyone likes! Ogres are not like cakes!

Donkey:
You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person and said, "Hey! Let's get some parfaits!” And they said, "Hell no! I don't like no parfaits!"? Parfaits are delicious!

Shrek:
NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.

Donkey:
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!

Shrek:
Y’know, I think I preferred your humming.

Donkey:
Do you have a tissue or somethin'? I'm makin' a mess. Just the word “parfait” make me start slobberin'.

[Shrek and Donkey are crossing a wooden bridge over a moat of lava]

Donkey:
Don't look down, keep on movin', don't look down, don't look down, keep on movin', don't look down... [a board under Donkey breaks, prompting Donkey] Shrek, I'm lookin' down! [screams] Oh!

Donkey:
[screams] Don't do that!

Shrek:
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? [rocks the bridge]

Donkey:
Yes, that!

Shrek:
Yes? Yes, do it? Okay. [continues rocking]

Donkey:
[screams] No, Shrek! I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die! [By Shrek shaking the bridge and walking towards him, it forces Donkey backwards towards the end] Oh.

Shrek:
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

Donkey:
Cool. So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?

Shrek:
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

Donkey:
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

[Shrek and Donkey move through the spooky keep. Shrek's wary. Donkey's very nervous]

Donkey:
[whispers; nervous] You afraid?

Shrek:
[not whispering] No, but... Shh.

[Shrek walks away, Donkey suddenly notices he's gone and runs to catch up]

Donkey:
Oh, good. Me neither. [gasps]

[Donkey catches up then hears a noise off-screen]

Donkey:
'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

[Donkey falls suddenly into a pile of knight bones and armor. Donkey gasps. A helmet falls onto Donkey's head. Shrek removes the helmet and puts it on himself]

Shrek:
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. [points] Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

Donkey:
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.

Shrek:
The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

Donkey:
How do you know that?

Shrek:
I read it in a book once.

[Shrek walks away]

Donkey:
Cool! You handle the dragon, I'll handle the stairs!

[Shrek moves away, down a corridor. Donkey watches him go, then heads the other way]

Donkey:
Oh, I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. That's right. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. [walks off]

[Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room]

Donkey:
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.

[On Shrek at other end of the corridor. Through a window, he can see a slender tower wrapped in a staircase and connected to the keep by a bridge]

Shrek:
[to himself] Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the--?

[On Donkey, who finds himself eyeball to eyeball with the dragon. Donkey runs away]

Donkey:
DRAGON! [screams and dodging Dragon's tail]

[Shrek turns to see Donkey headed for him at a gallop, a fireball right behind him. Donkey races past. Shrek follows]

Shrek:
Donkey, look out!

[Donkey screams. Shrek grabs Donkey and jumps out of the fireball's way, saving Donkey. They run into the tall tower. A beat. They shoot out again, Donkey leading the way, another fireball chasing them. Shrek leaps to one side and lets the fireball rocket past, Donkey runs onto the bridge then flattens himself. The fireball passes over him, singeing the tuft of tail. On the Dragon roaring. It takes off after Donkey. Shrek leaps from the tower, landing on the dragon's huge tail]

Shrek:
Got ya! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

[The dragon whips its tail, sending Shrek hurtling right through the wall of the tower. Shrek crashes through the stone wall and lands outside a bed chamber, semiconscious]

Donkey:
[gets cornered by Dragon] Oh, what large teeth you have! [Dragon roars] I-I-I-I…

[Shrek looks up to where the chain is jammed and starts shaking it to try and free the pulley. The dragon purses her lips and comes in for a kiss... suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek falls, landing directly on Donkey and popping him through the dragon's coils. Shrek takes the kiss right on his butt. Surprised Shrek lets go of the chain which immediately reels upwards as the candelabra comes down. The dragon is even more surprised and rears up - pissed - just as the candelabra falls, collaring her. Shrek grabs Donkey and runs. The dragon takes chase with the chain unreeling behind her. As Shrek passes the Princess he picks her up too, while the dragon blasts fireballs behind them. Donkey looks up at the Princess. Princess gasps]

Donkey:
Hi, Princess!

Fiona:
[to Donkey] It talks!

Shrek:
[good natured] Yeah, it's gettin' him to shut up that's the trick!

Donkey:
Shrek!

[Shrek laughs as they begin to slide down the column. They hit a break in the column. Fiona screams]

Shrek:
Oh!

[They land and run into the entrance hall. Shrek starts weaving in and out of the pillars as the dragon chases, causing the chain to weave a cat's cradle behind her. Shrek stops and puts Fiona and Donkey down]

Shrek:
Okay, you two, head for the exit!

[Shrek grabs a sword form a nearby knight skeleton and looks determined]

Shrek:
I'll take care of the dragon.

[Fiona and Donkey take off, leaving Shrek to face the dragon. As the chain passes by Shrek jams the sword through the links... and runs. Fiona and Donkey are waiting by the exit as Shrek rounds the corner]

Shrek:
RUUUUUUUUUN!

[They all run across the bridge as a fireball sweeps after them, burning the bridge behind them as they cross. The bridge swings away to the other side and Fiona and Shrek hang on. Donkey can't get a grip and falls, Shrek catching him just in time. Suddenly the dragon bursts through the flames flying straight at them. They all scream but just then Shrek's plan kicks in, the chain pulls tight and she snaps back and out of sight. Shrek, Fiona, and Donkey all take a deep breath and start the climb to the top of the bridge which now resembles a rope ladder]

Donkey:
Man, isn't this romanic? Just look at that sunset.

Donkey:
[goes into the old windmill] Princess! Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

[early dawn while Donkey sleeps, Fiona stays in the windmill and picks a sunflower's petals 1 by 1, decides weather or not to tell Shrek about her secret curse]

Fiona:
I tell him. I tell him not. I tell him. I tell him not. [signs] I tell him. [goes outside] Shrek! Shrek? There's something I want...

[Fiona doesn't see Shrek around, then notices the sun rise. She shuts her eyes from the sunlight, as she transforms back to her human self]

[after Fiona rides with Farquaad and his knights back to Duloc]

Donkey:
Shrek, what are you doin'? You're lettin' her get away!

Shrek:
Yeah, so what?

Donkey:
Shrek, there's somethin' about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, she's...

Shrek:
I know you talked to her last night! You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why didn't you follow her home?!

Donkey:
Shrek, I... I wanna go wit you.

Shrek:
Hey, I told you, didn't I?! You're not comin' home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! Me! Nobody else, understand?! NOBODY!!! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING DONKEYS!!!!!

Donkey:
But... I thought...

Shrek:
[starts storming off] Yeah, well, you know what?! You thought wrong!

Donkey:
[visibly hurt by what Shrek said] Shrek...

Donkey:
Donkey? What are you doing?

Donkey:
[gathering branches] I would think you of all people would recognize a wall when you see one!

Shrek:
Well, yeah... but the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it!

Donkey:
It is around your swamp! That's your half and this is my half!

Shrek:
Oh, your half! Hmmm.

Donkey:
My half! I helped rescue the Princess! I did half the work, I get half the booty! Now hand over that big rock, the one that looks like your head!

[Shrek angrily removes the stick and Donkey stops him from moving]

Shrek:
Back off!

Donkey:
No! You back off!

Shrek:
This is my swamp!

Donkey:
Our swamp!

Shrek:
Let go, Donkey!

Donkey:
You let go!

Shrek:
Stubborn jackass!

Donkey:
Smelly ogre!

Shrek:
Fine!

Donkey:
Hey, come back here! I'm not through with you yet!

Shrek:
Well, I'm through with you! (And I am, period!)

Donkey:
Uh-uh. You know with you, it's always "me, me, me". Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushin' me around or pushin' me away!

Shrek:
Oh yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

Donkey:
Because that's what friends do! THEY FORGIVE EACH OTHER!

Shrek:
[in a fake friendly tone] Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you. [then in a mean voice] FOR STABBIN' ME IN THE BACK!?

[Shrek goes into his outhouse and slams the door behind Donkey.]

Donkey:
[groans in exasperation] You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelin's!

Shrek:
[from inside his outhouse] Go away!

Donkey:
See? There you are, doin' it again just like you did to Fiona, and all she ever did was like you. Maybe even love you.

Shrek:
[from inside his outhouse] Love me?! She said I was ugly! A hideous creature! I heard the two of you talking!

Donkey:
She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about...er, somebody else.

Shrek:
[comes out of his outhouse] She wasn't talking about me? Well then, who was she talking about?

Donkey:
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't sayin' anything. You don't wanna listen to me, right? Right?!

Shrek:
[tries to talk to Donkey] Donkey?

Donkey:
No!

Shrek:
OK, look. I'm sorry, all right? [Donkey just lets out a soft hmph as if to say, "Not buying it. Try again."] I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?

Donkey:
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

Shrek:
Right. Friends?

Donkey:
Friends.

[He and Donkey shake hands]

Shrek:
So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

Donkey:
What are you askin' me for? Why don't you go ask her?

Shrek:
[remembers, in shock] The wedding! We'll never make it in time!

Donkey:
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. [whistles]

[Dragon enters the swamp, flying]

Shrek:
Donkey?!

Donkey:
I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

Shrek:
Aw, come here, you.

Donkey:
Alright, alright. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. Alright, hop on and hold on tight. [Dragon gets Shrek on her back] I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.

[They all fly off back to Duloc]

Shrek:
What are you doing in my swamp?