Ten Inch Hero

[from trailer]

Tish:
I did things with Tad I've never done before.

Priestly:
Oh really, like what? Wait for the second date?

Tish:
[Priestly calls Tish] Beach City Grill. Subs by the inch.

Priestly:
Code blue. Hostile territory. Aborting mission.

Tish:
Who is this?

Priestly:
It's your Renaissance Man. I'm at the store, there's too many enemy tampons. I'm bailing.

Tish:
Alright, stay focused. Describe the situation.

Priestly:
Initial recon appears to be bag or box?

Tish:
Box.

Priestly:
Box. Roger that.

Tish:
Alright, look around chest height. Do you see anything marked regular?

Priestly:
Okay, regular. Uh, here's one but it says slender regular. How can something be both slender and regular? Isn't that mutually exclusive?

Tish:
Priestly...

Priestly:
Unless, of course they're implying in the mysterious underworld of Femboxes that slender is regular.

Tish:
Priestly. Are you done?

Priestly:
Well, what about the Super Pluses?

Tish:
No.

Priestly:
Why not? They sound like better.

Tish:
Don't. They're huge.

Priestly:
I thought you liked huge.

Tish:
This is one area where bigger is not better.

Priestly:
Yeah, well shouldn't you buy all the protection you can get?

[looks at the side of the box]

Priestly:
I mean, it says here it can handle any amount of- Oh my god!

[throw the box in disgust]

Tish:
Priestly, listen. If a woman needs an emergency dipstick in the ladies room of a sandwich stop.

Priestly:
That's nasty.

Tish:
She just wants something that's going to hold her over until she can get home and use one of her own. Based on her own style preferences and flow requirement

Priestly:
Tish!

Tish:
Yeah?

Priestly:
That word... flow. Thats nasty. It's gross.

Tish:
Just buy the slender regulars.

Priestly:
Over and out. Heading back to base camp.

Tish:
Roger that. Over and out.

[hangs up the phone]

Piper:
So, before you leave, can I make you a sandwich? The roast turkey's really good here.

Zo:
Thank you, but I don't eat anything that had a mother.

Piper:
Oh, Okay. Um, egg salad, then?

Zo:
Well, eggs are really a chicken abortion, aren't they? I mean, I support a woman's right to choose, but I don't believe anyone asked the chickens beforehand.

Priestly:
Right on!

Jen:
Well, actually, since farmers don't keep roosters, the eggs aren't fertilized, so technically you're just eating a byproduct of the hen's menstrual cycle.

Priestly:
Well that, that's certainly appetizing, a hen-period salad, that's lovely.

Zo:
[smiling] I think I'll just stick with a six inch tofurkey.

Priestly:
[Walks past Piper and jen, backtracks. To Piper] Who are you?

Piper:
Piper.

Priestly:
Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?

Piper:
I work here.

Priestly:
Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!

Trucker:
Hey, Priestly. We hired someone.

Priestly:
Thank you! I swear, we need like a bulletin board or a staff email or something!

Jen:
You know, Priestly. Piper thinks Elvis is dead.

Priestly:
[to Trucker] Really? Now, you're hiring people who failed the interview?

Jen:
Girls that look like you don't understand. Y'know, I always think, like, if I lost ten pounds, or wore better clothes, or got new b*obs that it would make a difference but, I know the truth.

Tish:
I'm sorry but that's bullshit. You're the smartest person that I know. And I see you helping those homeless guys that no one can even look at. You make everyone around you happy. You have so much to offer. To say you don't because of how you look is just... is just total bullshit.

Jen:
I didn't say I don't have a lot to offer, I said that people will never know because they don't SEE me. How many proms did you miss because no one asked you? How many times have your friends left you sitting alone at a club while they went and danced with guys? Or how many times has a customer completely ignored you to get a better look at me? So until that happens, until you're told time and time again that your place in life is in the background, don't tell me it's bullshit, because you don't know.

Priestly:
You're shittin me. Jen, please tell me you didn't leave Fuzzy sitting down there wondering. God damn it Jen.

Jen:
I don't expect you to understand.

Priestly:
Oh I understand. I understand you wouldn't talk to him cause you were terrified he'd judge you on the basis of your looks, yet you're completely comfortable doing the exact same thing to him. Unbelievable, god!

Piper:
You know, I didn't want to give up my baby. I was forced to. What would you do if Julia was taken away from you? Wouldn't you think about it every day for the rest of your life?

Noah:
Yeah, of course.

Piper:
Then why is it any different for me? I mean, why is my love for my child just a whim while yours is real? Of course, you have your child so you can afford to be judgmental. All I have is the ghost of two Julias. I loved them both, and I lost them both.

Piper:
[Comes in and starts doodling on the menu board unannounced. To Trucker] I'm not normal.

Piper:
Clearly.

Trucker:
I need a job.

Piper:
[after a short stare-down] It's yours.

Noah:
That doesn't look like math to me.

Julia:
Done.

Noah:
Spelling?

Julia:
Done.

Noah:
Well, I have to check it.

Piper:
Done.

Noah:
Poor Julia has to walk home with Bradley. And then she's forced to stay with him for 45 whole minutes, until I get there.

Piper:
You are a terrible father.

Noah:
I gotta give her something to tell the therapist in 10 years.

Julia:
Bradley picks his nose in class, and makes these fart noises in his arm pits.

Noah:
Testosterone poisoning, actually. He can't help it.

Julia:
[erasing] That sucky thing's not right.

Piper:
That "sucky" thing?

Julia:
That's what my dad calls it.

Noah:
[looking in] What your dad calls what?

Julia:
This.

Noah:
What, the sucky thing?

Piper:
Otherwise known as a turkey baster.

Noah:
Well, yeah, if you want to use it's nickname. But everybody knows the real name is of course

Julia, Noah:
[in unison]... the sucky thing.

Jen:
Alright, so we have chocolate, sleeping bags, food, personal items, chocolate, money, chocolate, and beer.

Piper:
Do you think you have enough chocolate?

Jen:
I'll add it.

Priestly:
Why is it that some people can't see a good thing when it's standing right in front of them, huh? I mean, what is it that screws all that up? Can you tell me? I swear, you're like 2 year olds. You're more interested in the wrapping paper than what's inside.

Tish:
Wait. Are you talking about Jen, or me?

Priestly:
If there's a difference, let me know.

Priestly:
[forced accent] Anyone else think that maybe Trucker have some 'spaining to do?

Trucker:
I swore that I would never hurt another human being as long as I lived.

Tish:
Sorry I made you break you promise.

Trucker:
Oh no. I said I would never hurt another *human*.

Noah:
Ok, so here's the deal; Julia and I took a vote and there's a definite opening in the family. Job is yours if you want it.

Piper:
Really?

Noah:
Yeah. Only one ground rule; nothing but honesty from now on.

Piper:
I swear. [Noah smiles. They start walking] Noah?

Noah:
Yeah?

Piper:
That shirt's a really nasty color.

Noah:
Okay, not *that* honest!

Piper:
Hey, I'm just trying to get started somewhere!

Fuzzy22:
Um, I'm Jeff Kenline, by the way.

Jen:
It's a pleasure to meet you, Jeff Kenline.

Priestly:
Hey dude! Where'd you get that "fuzzy22" name from?

Fuzzy22:
Oh, I got that account when I was working on my senior thesis. It was on fuzzy logic, and I was 22. What, did you think I was a cop or something?

[last lines]

Trucker:
We ask you here today in this most sacred and beautiful of places to witness our dedication to each other.

Zo:
We start our new lives as we started the last. Naked and needy. Dependent on those we love to care for us.

Priestly:
Hell yeah!

Priestly:
Congratulations.

Priestly:
Rock on, man.

Trucker:
['Interviewing' Piper] Okay, uh. Let me think... Elvis, dead or alive?

Piper:
Dead.

Tish:
Andy Kaufman?

Piper:
Dead.

Trucker:
Jerry Garcia?

Piper:
Grateful, and dead.

Tish:
Mariah Carey?

Piper:
Are we talking about her acting career?

Tish:
[Chuckles] No.

Piper:
Okay, then alive.

Lucille:
Why'd you come to Santa Cruz?

Piper:
I have family here.

Mr. Julius:
Are you a virgin? [Everyone groans]

Trucker:
Mr. Julius!

Mr. Julius:
Sorry, sorry.

Piper:
No... But I used to be.

Tish:
You're not a witch, by any chance?

Piper:
Is that a job requirement?

Tish:
Trucker's blazin' for the woman who owns the crystal store across the street. He thinks she's Wiccan.

Jen:
Yeah, they're soul mates, except she's not exactly aware of it yet.

Trucker:
Okay, everybody! Time to vote! [Everyone puts their hands up, including the customers]

Priestly:
[Walks into the shop] Everybody relax! [Frantically tap dances] I'm here!

Tish:
Oh, and so close to being almost on time.

Priestly:
Yeah, well, come on. I mean, once I start showing up on time, you'll expect it every day.

Piper:
[about Priestly] He works here?

Jen:
Well, he's *employed* here.

Priestly:
[Looking at the guy in Tish's clutches] Okay, today's topic of conversation: Clueless Men and The Women Who Use Them For Gratification.

Tish:
I don't know. I mean, you're cute and everything, but...

Stud:
But what? Come on, Tish!

Tish:
Well, it's just...

Priestly:
Here it comes.

Tish:
[Whispers] I don't really like sex.

Stud:
What? How can you not like...

Tish:
I've never had a... you know...

Stud:
Whoa! Never? [Tish shakes her head] Well, obviously you haven't been with the right guy. [Points to himself and mouths "Me"]

Tish:
[laughs] Okay.

Piper:
My God, does that really work?

Jen:
Every time.

Priestly:
Are you kidding me? It's a man's greatest challenge.

Tish:
If men are *that* easy to manipulate, they deserve to be taken advantage of.

Priestly:
I'm easy to manipulate! Why don't women take advantage of me?

Tish:
I think we can all guess the answer to that.

Priestly:
[Tish walks in the morning after a romp] Oh, look, she can still walk!

Jen:
All right, let's hear it. What were his grades?

Tish:
A for effort. C for execution.

Jen:
Natural gift?

Tish:
Didn't even register.

Piper:
That bad, huh?

Tish:
That bad, and... He knows it.

Piper:
Well, did you at least tell him that size doesn't matter? [Priestly nods]

Tish:
Yeah, sure, I told him. You don't actually think guys believe that, do you? [Priestly c*cks an eyebrow]

Piper:
[about her online lover] What happens when *it* wants to meet?

Jen:
Well, we've been emailing for almost a year, it hasn't come up.

Piper:
A year? Jen, what do you guys talk about if you don't talk about each other?

Jen:
Everything else. We talk about music and books, the war in Iraq. His dog, my cat.

Tish:
[Another victim leaves the sbop. She turns around and everyone's staring at her] Oh, don't even start with me. If men are that easy to out-finesse, they deserve what they get.

Priestly:
Hey, I'm easy. Don't I deserve it?

Trucker:
Well, Priestly, see, your problem is you always go after the hot chicks. You know. you gotta raise your expectations, man.

Tish:
Excuse me?

Trucker:
Well, really good-looking women, they're high maintenance. And without exception, completely worthless between the sheets.

Priestly:
Seriously?

Trucker:
God's truth.

Mr. Julius:
Certainly been my experience.

Tish:
Oh, you guys are pathetic.

Trucker:
All right, take Tish for example, all right? Men are so pumped to be with a body like hers, that all she's gotta do is just lay back and enjoy the ride, you see? That way, she's never gonna develop any skills in bed.

Mr. Julius:
I second that!

Tish:
Hey, I work hard!

Trucker:
Hey, don't get me wrong; attractive women are great to look at, just don't go home with the prom queen. Give her the crown, she'll never go down.

Tish:
I *was* the prom queen.

Trucker:
Well, I rest my case.

Tish:
All right, that's it. You and me, in the office. [Puts her hair up] I'll show you how I earned my crown! [Walks toward the office]

Trucker:
Women! [Tish turns around, an understanding scowl on her face] They are so easy to out-finesse! They deserve what they get!

Tish:
[Whips a towel at Trucker] D*cks!

Piper:
[Showing Julia how to draw rocks] Don't be afraid to be bold.

Piper:
[about her drawing of Julia] You want it?

Noah:
No, not really. [Starts to walk away. Piper looks offended, but he comes back] I'm kidding! I'm kidding, I'd love it, if you don't mind parting with it, of course.

Priestly:
[Jen's computer chimes] Oh, look! fuzzzy_22, right on time!

Jen:
[Pushes Priestly] Shut up!

Priestly:
Can't believe it, Jen. You've fallen for a cop.

Tish:
Why do you think he's a cop?

Priestly:
Uh, 'fuzz'? What else could it be?

Tish:
I'm thinking peach fuzz, since he's probably like, 12 or something.

Priestly:
Or maybe he's got a really hairy back.

Tish:
Ugh!

Piper:
Maybe he's a peach farmer in Georgia.

Lucille:
Oh, Jen, you don't wanna move to Georgia!

Jen:
I'm not moving anywhere.

Tish:
I bet the '22' means he's a gun freak.

Piper:
Could just be his age, you know.

Tish:
Or, it could be the number of years left until his parole hearing.

Priestly:
Yeah, or maybe the last 22 years have been really like, fuzzy for him.

Jen:
I like that one!

Tish:
[Two hot guys walk in. Tish pushes Piper away] I got this one. What can I do for you two?

Tadd:
We phoned it in. Two spicy Italian subs.

Tish:
How big?

Tadd:
Ten inches.

Tish:
Total?

Tadd:
Each, of course.

Tish:
[sighs, slides them their subs] I'm Tish. [the boys pay and leave]

Customer on Cell Phone:
[On the phone] What? What is, what is my problem? My problem is that we got married in the first place. That's what my problem is.

Customer on Cell Phone:
I ordered a, uh, 12-inch veggie sub. [Holds up a six-inch sub] Does this look like 12 inches to you?

Jen:
No, I...

Tish:
[Walks over] You know how girls are no good with measurements. [Holds up the other half of his sub] My last boyfriend told me that this *was* twelve inches. So go figure.

Tish:
All right, Jen, you never screw up an order.

Priestly:
Yeah, what happened? Fuzzy's mom finally take his computer away?

Tadd:
[Priestly gives him his food] Nice hair.

Priestly:
[Mocking Tish] Thanks, Taddley. [Bats his eyelashes]

Priestly:
Tadd and Brad. Well, isn't that... gay?

Tish:
[after a night with Tadd] I'm in love.

Priestly:
No, you're in heat.

Tish:
Oh, look! A man pretending to acknowledge the difference.

Tish:
[about Jen's meeting fuzzzy] Well, I'm coming with.

Jen:
Really?

Piper:
Me, too.

Jen:
You guys are the best!

Priestly:
Yep, count me in!

Tish, Piper, Jen:
Forget it.

Trucker:
Can we get to work now?

Priestly:
I'll, I'll drive.

Piper:
No.

Priestly:
I'll buy the beer. [Jen laughs at him] I never get to do anything fun.

Tish:
[Tadd walks in after hours] Tadd.

Tadd:
Tish.

Tish:
So what can I get for you tonight?

Tadd:
An order to go.

Tish:
What do you want?

Tadd:
You.

Jen:
[sighs dreamily. They both look at her] Sorry. Just living vicariously. Ignore me.

Tish:
Well, look, um... With men, I've never had a, you know, a full-on...

Tadd:
Does tha work on stupid guys?

Tish:
Yeah, usually.

Tadd:
You ready to go, then?

Priestly:
[to some teenage boys in the grocery store] Think it's funny that I'm buying tampons? [the boys laugh] You gentlemen, and uh, I use that term loosely, understand what that means? Obviously not. See, this means, uh, that there is a woman with whom I'm so intimate that we're both comfortable with me buying her most personal possessions. This means that our relationship is so solid, so trusting that I'm not embarrassed doing this at all. It means, my friends, that instead of hanging out at a grocery store having a sausage fest with another guy, playing his skin flute, or just doin' a little [Makes blowj*b noises and gestures] all day long, I'm getting laid by a beautiful lady every day. And, she takes it downtown. And, everyone here knows it. [Wiggles the tampons in the air]

Trucker:
What did I miss at our staff meeting?

Jen:
Well, Tish is in love. Or lust, depending on who you're talking to...

Trucker:
Really? Proud of you, angel. [High-fives Tish]

Jen:
Piper is digging herself deeper and deeper into the the pit of deceit with the Millers...

Trucker:
Good. Nice to see that our company tradition for making the worst possible decision in any situation has been passed on to the next generation of employee.

Jen:
Priestly has gotten in touch with his feminine side...

Priestly:
[Offscreen] I love my kilt!

Jen:
And I have reached a decision on meeting fuzzy.

Noah:
[Kisses a sleeping Julia and draws a heart on her hand] That's how she knows that I'm home, and that she's been kissed.

Tish:
No way.

Jen:
What?

Tish:
You're still the scarlet V.

Jen:
[Scoffs] So? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Is it?

Piper:
No, it's not. If I had maintained, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.

Tish:
Yeah, yeah. Listen, it's uh, it's not really different from when you do it yourself, it just takes a lot longer. [Jen makes a face] Never?

Jen:
You guys, I'm a computer nerd daughter of a southern Baptist minister from Wichita! I'm the worst kind of late bloomer!

Piper:
You've never plucked your own banjo?

Jen:
Come on, it's not like you guys do it all the time, right?

Piper:
Yesterday morning.

Tish:
Two days ago.

Lucille:
Last night. [the girls look at her] Don't worry; I made Bam Bam go in the other room!

Jen:
Oh. And *I'm* the one worried about carpal tunnel.

Tish:
Yeah, it's not carpal. It's more in the fingers. [Piper laughs]

Jen:
[about Fuzzy] It's a no-brainer. We *have* to meet.

Priestly:
Right on!

Piper:
And what if he is a woman?

Jen:
We'll find a way to make it work.

Priestly:
Ooh, if that happens, can I watch?

Tish:
What is he's 14?

Priestly:
Ooh, if that happens, can I, uh [Holds a glass to his eye] videotape?

Jen:
He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right? And that's not *that* much younger.

Trucker:
Convicted felon?

Jen:
Well, he's out noe, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Mr. Julius:
Paralyzed?

Jen:
If *he* can deal with that, I sure can.

Lucille:
Ugly as a rhino's ass?

Jen:
Looks are really the least of my worries. I mean, he's a great guy.

Priestly:
Well, what if he's got, like, crazy-ass hair and-and, and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?

Jen:
Well, I could never be that lucky. [Priestly smiles]

Jen:
[Tish and Piper are waiting in the hall while she masterbates for the first time] Nothing's happening!

Tish:
Keep going!

Jen:
I don't know, you guys. Maybe mine's a dud.

Tish, Piper:
Keep going!

Jen:
Ow!

Tish:
What?

Jen:
It's very intense.

Piper:
Well, just slow it down a little bit.

Tish:
Or move it to the left.

Priestly:
Hey, Zo? Are you a vegetarian because you love animals, or because you hate plants?

Zo:
Oh, I do love you Priestly.

Trucker:
Hey, I'm uh, babysitting him by myself all weekend. Love it if you took a shift.

Piper:
[Zo has given them crushed petals to release into the wind for good luck] If this turns out to be the ashes of Zo's first husband, I'm gonna freak.

Tish:
Suppose it drives some beat up piece of sh*t held together by duct tape and dental floss?

Jen:
All you need is love.

Tish:
What if he has like, NRA and skinhead stickers all over it?

Jen:
We can work it out.

Piper:
It's Beatles Night at the Morro Bay Whaler, accepting Fab Four requests all night long!

Tish:
What if he's the fool in the hill? Or the nowhere man?

Jen:
Tish, let it be.

Piper:
Besides, everybody's got something to hide...

Tish, Piper:
'Cept me and my monkey!

Piper:
Maybe we should send Tish past him and see if he checks her out.

Jen:
If he doesn't check Tish out, he's either gay or dead.

Tish:
Is that a face made for sitting on, or what?

Tish:
All I saw tonight was just a guy looking for the girl of his dreams.

Jen:
A guy like that doesn't dream about a girl like me.

Tish:
Is this about how cute he was? I mean, I thought you'd be happy. Not to mention, you know, pretty damn relieved.

Piper:
Besides, you said that looks don't matter.

Jen:
Yeah, that was before I knew he was Brad f***ing Pitt. There's no way a guy who looks like that is gonna want me.

Tish:
That's crazy.

Jen:
Is it? I mean, look at Tadd. When he came into the shop, he didn't exaclty bee-line to me, did he?

Piper:
Yeah, but Tadd is a superficial d*ckhead. Everybody knows that. [Tish looks at her] Everyone except Tish. Sorry.

Jen:
[Masterbating for the first time. Offscreen] Oh, my God! Oh, my god! Uh, oh, my God!

Piper:
Ladies and gentlemen, we have lift-off!

Tish:
Elvis has left the building!

Tish:
Look, why don't you and Brad just admit that the girl's unnecessary and get on with it?

Tadd:
What are you talking about?

Tish:
Are you so far in the closet you can't see the light? You and Brad are hot for each other. You just use the girl to pretend you're straight.

Tadd:
[Grabs her and throws her against the wall] You listen to me. I'm no fag. I was captain of the football team in high school.

Tish:
Let me guess: you were a tight end, always too afraid of becoming a wide reciever? Why don't you just be a man and admit what you are? No one cares that you're gay. [Tadd smacks her]

Zo:
Trucker, my high school fantasy was that we were in love. That when we looked in each other's eyes, time would stand still, and our hearts would forever beat as one.

Trucker:
Sorry it took so long.

Julia:
Anna, please! Dad won't take me on any spinny rides!

Noah:
That's cuz Daddy doesn't *do* spinning rides. Because spinning rides remind Daddy of how I used to feel after Frat parties, just dizzy and sick.

Jen:
[Fuzzzy comes in disguised as a homeless man] Hi. Are you hungry?

Fuzzy22:
No.

Jen:
Okay, um... Then how can I help?

Fuzzy22:
You're pretty.

Jen:
Well, I don't... I don't know about that.

Fuzzy22:
I do.

Jen:
Well, thank you.

Fuzzy22:
You're *very* pretty. [Jen blushes] And you're exactly what I'd hoped you'd be... [Takes off his hat] Lady_bugger. [Pulls a rose from his jacket and gives it to her. They hug]

Tish:
Hey, Truck, you'll know. What's Priestly's first name?

Trucker:
Beats me.

Tish:
Yeah, but it's gotta be on his application, right?

Trucker:
Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure he filled one out.

Trucker:
All right, angels, the Causemobile is ready to roll!

Jen, Tish, Piper:
Thanks, Charlie!

Tish:
[Priestly walks in dressed in a button-down and khakis. His hair is brushed out and a normal color. His piercings are gone] Holy sh*t.

Priestly:
Miss Matheson, it would be my pleasure if you would agree to accompany me to dinner tonight.

Tish:
Depends.

Priestly:
On what?

Tish:
I wanna know your first name.

Trucker:
Yeah!

Priestly:
Come on, give me a break! I'm- I went to Banana Republic, for Christ sake! [Tish looks away] Damn it. [Whispers] Boaz.

Tish:
Can't hear you.

Priestly:
Boaz, all right? My-my first name is Boaz.

Jen:
Boaz?

Priestly:
Shut up.

Tish:
Can I tell you something, Boaz?

Priestly:
Okay.

Tish:
This is something I've never told anyone else.

Priestly:
Yeah, of course.

Tish:
Tish... Is short for Platicia.

Priestly:
Platicia?

Tish:
[Nodding] Platicia.

Tish:
[Sticks a ticket in Priestly's mohawk] Order up!