The Boondocks

Huey Freeman:
I'm tryin' to explain to you that Ronald Reagan was the devil. Ronald Wilson Reagan? Each of his names has six letters? 6-6-6? Man, doesn't that offend you?

Huey Freeman:
Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9-11. Thank you for your time and good night.

Ed Wuncler:
The only joy I get from these parties is standing around telling mean-spirited jokes at other people's expense.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
I do that, too!

Ed Wuncler:
Check out that guy. Why is his face all twisted up like that? Looks like he jacks off with Icy Hot. He looks like he just sh*t a gerbil!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Mr. Wuncler, I'm... sorry about the whole, you know, my grandson shooting your grandson out of the window thing. Are you mad?

Ed Wuncler:
In 30 years, that boy will be the President of the United States. And he'll still be a f***ing idiot. Now, are we gonna have that drink or what?

Huey Freeman:
Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside down, tear asunder your illusions, and send the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Now ask yourself, Are you ready to see that vision?

Huey Freeman:
[while shooting at each other with BB guns] Why does it always have to end up like this?

Riley Freeman:
Cause you's a b*tch.

Huey Freeman:
[after preventing an innocent convict from being executed] Maybe there are forces in this world we don't understand. But I still believe we make our own miracles. Shabazz K. Milton was not yet free. But for now, the mission had been accomplished. I decided to take the rest of the day off. I wonder if there's anything good on TV.

Riley Freeman:
[Repeated line] Nigga, you gay.

Martin Luther King Jr.:
Will you ignorant n*ggers PLEASE shut the hell UP? Is this it? THIS is what I got all those ass-whoopings for? I had a dream once but it was a dream that little black girls and black boys would one day drink from the river of prosperity freed from the thirst of oppression. But lo and behold, some four decades later, what have I found, but a bunch of trifling, shiftless, good for nothing n*ggers! And I know some of you don't want to hear me say that word! It's the ugliest word in the English language! But that's what I see now! N*GGERS! And you don't want to be a n*gger! Because n*ggers are living contradictions! N*ggers are full of unfulfilled ambitions! N*ggers wax and wane! N*ggers love to complain! N*ggers love to hear themselves talk but hate to explain! N*ggers love being another man's judge and jury! N*ggers procrastinate until it's time to worry! N*ggers LOVE to be late! N*ggers HATE to hurry! Black Entertainment Television is the WORST thing I've ever seen in my life! Usher, Michael Jackson is not a genre of music! And don't get me started on Soul Plane! I've seen what's around the corner! I've seen what's over the horizon! And I PROMISE you, you n*ggers have nothing to celebrate! I know I won't get there with you, because I'm going to Canada!

Riley Freeman:
Gangstalicious got shot!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Again?

Riley Freeman:
We got to do something!

Huey Freeman:
I've got an idea! Why don't we go to college so we don't end up like Gangstalicious?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[to Riley] Make sure you pee before we leave. I ain't going to miss my movie going to the bathroom with you. I'mma let you go in there by yourself and get molested by a nasty white man. [to Huey] What's wrong with you?

Huey Freeman:
I don't wanna go to the movies.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Why not?

Huey Freeman:
I don't ever wanna go to the movies with you again. Not after what happened last time.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
What happened last time?

Huey Freeman:
We got arrested... and shot at.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Haa racism.

Jazmine Dubois:
Daddy said I can go the movies, but he said I'm not allowed to see soul plane.

Huey Freeman:
Good, you don't wanna go to the movies with him. He's crazy.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Hush! You can't see soul plane? Why, lil baby?

Jazmine Dubois:
Because of the types of stereos or something.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Types of stereos? Oh, no no no, lil baby doll. This is a good theater. They have THX. [hums]

Huey Freeman:
She means stereotypes.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Stereotypes? In soul plane? That's nonsense. Say how about we tell your daddy we saw something else. Hm?

Jazmine Dubois:
[gasps] You mean, lie?

Huey Freeman:
That really doesn't seem to be a good idea.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Hush boy. You know, it's okay to break the rules every once and a while. I won't tell if you won't.

Jazmine Dubois:
Okay. [laughs]

Huey Freeman:
[narrating] Sometimes I think Granddad may be a bad influence.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Hey Riley, don't forget the camcorder. [outside] Now the first soul plane was funny.

Huey Freeman:
About as funny as a lynching.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Hush boy, you ain't even see it.

Huey Freeman:
I never seen a lynching either, but I know they're not funny.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
See! Shows what you know. I've seen funny lynchings.

Uncle Ruckus:
You mean we gon' let this African hooligan nigga go unpunished?

Jazmine Dubois:
You have problems Mr. Freeman and you need help.

Huey Freeman:
Thanks for coming back, eventually.

Riley Freeman:
Yo, you need to stop snitching, granddad. [gets smacked by granddad] Hey! Won't you call Social Services and turn yourself in for child abuse? [gets smacked again by granddad]

Jazmine Dubois:
[as they leave for the movie] This is gonna be so much fun!

Huey Freeman:
This is going to be the worst day of your life. I'm bringing nunchucks.

Kid:
Are you gonna rape us?

1st Prisoner:
Do we look like priests? We ain't gonna hurt no kids.

1st Prisoner:
You know about that?

Huey Freeman:
Yes.

1st Prisoner:
Oh, you know about that? Tell me what you know about that! Tell me what you think about that!

Huey Freeman:
The prison-industrial complex is a system situated at the intersection of government and private interests. It uses prisons as a solution to social, political, and economic problems. It includes human rights violations, the death penalty, slave labor, policing, courts, the media, political prisoners, and the elimination of dissent.

Gin Rummy:
I always say the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.

Riley:
What?

Gin Rummy:
Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean you have evidence of something that doesn't exist.

Riley:
What?

Gin Rummy:
What country are you from?

Riley:
What?

Gin Rummy:
'What' ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in 'What'?

Riley:
What?

Gin Rummy:
English, motherf***er! Do you speak it?

Riley:
Yeah.

Gin Rummy:
So you understand the words I'm saying to you!

Riley:
Yeah.

Gin Rummy:
Well, what I'm saying is that there are known knowns and that there are known unknowns. But there are also unknown unknowns; things we don't know that we don't know.

Riley:
What?

Gin Rummy:
Say what again! Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you, motherf***er! Say what one more time!

Gin Rummy:
I'll be dead on his ass like "Spencer for f***in' Hire". I'll hunt him down and feed him his testicles, *and* I'll do it in a jiffy. And I don't care if his momma there, his grandmomma, innocent bystanders, little kids, baby sitters, bill collectors, whatever. I'll leave his whole block filled with hot brass if I have to, and you know why? 'Cause *I JUST DON'T GIVE A F***!* You guys sure you don't want any breakfast? I have English muffins and peach jelly.

Homeland Security Chief:
...And so, we're raising the Terror Alert Level to intense orange-red, based on very credible, detailed information on a non-specific threat. Could it be a hijacking? Absolutely possible. Chemical or biological agent? You bet it could happen. Suicide bomber? Hey, you never know. But what we do know is that it's absolutely, positively gonna happen today... maybe.

Riley:
So y'all was in Iraq together?

Gin Rummy:
Yeah, we was in Iraq.

Riley:
What did you do?

Gin Rummy:
We was lookin' for weapons of mass destruction.

Riley:
Did you ever find 'em?

Gin Rummy:
You know goddamn well we ain't find them! What are you? Some kind of political humorist? You Garry Trudeau up in this b*tch?

Ed Wuncler III:
The f*** y'all lookin' at?

Tom Dubois:
Earliest I could get out would be on Monday.

Huey Freeman:
Well, it's just the weekend.

Tom Dubois:
It only takes one night to get anally raped! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find to the real killer tonight.

Huey Freeman:
The real killer? Nigga, I'm 10! How am I gonna find the real killer?

Tom Dubois:
Please! You've gotta try!

Huey Freeman:
All right, all right, all right. Damn.

Tom Dubois:
[sobbing] Thank you, Huey. Whatever you do, don't tell my baby Jazmine! I don't know want her to know her daddy was somebody's biiiiiiiiiitch!

Jazmine Dubois:
Was that Daddy? Where is he? Is he OK? Was he kidnapped by terrorists?

Huey Freeman:
Um, your father wants you to know he's nobody's b*tch.

[Jazmine sobs hysterically]

Huey Freeman:
Well, this is the apartment building where it all happened. Maybe someone saw something.

Ed Wuncler III:
Oh, somebody saw somethin' all right.

Huey Freeman:
Hey, slow down. We gotta be tactful.

Ed Wuncler III:
Tactful? What that mean?

Gin Rummy:
He talkin' about diplomacy. [c*cks gun] I don't do diplomacy.

Gin Rummy:
I ain't think that they'd actually shoot back at us.

Huey Freeman:
Well of course they're shooting back at us! You're robbing their store!

Gin Rummy:
You can't assume that people are going to shoot back at you. It was an unknown unknown.

Huey Freeman:
Need I remind you that this has nothing to do with our original plan?

Gin Rummy:
Damn it, Huey! Robbery etiquette says you can't criticize a robbery plan during the actual robbery. You have to wait till the robbery's over.

Gin Rummy:
I want you to know that you are not going to die... in vain.

Officer Frank:
I don't think I'm dyin'.

Gin Rummy:
Oh. Well, I want you to know you wasn't mortally wounded in vain.

Officer Frank:
Actually, I think I'm gonna make it.

Sarah Dubois:
Tom, did you erase all my mp3s?

Tom Dubois:
Hey, file sharing is a crime. And I'm not gonna be anally raped so you can listen to Usher.

Tom Dubois:
Huey, I got arrested! They say I fit the description. I think it's 'cause I'm black, Huey. You have to get me outta here, Huey! You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail!

Huey Freeman:
They'll rape you. That's what they're gonna do. But you're not in jail. You're in holding and I don't think people usually get raped in holding. Hold on. [calls out] Granddad! Do people get raped in holding?

[Jazmine sobs hysterically]

Ed Wuncler III:
Look! He got a weapon!

Gin Rummy:
Whoa, wait a minute now. Put the gun down.

Store Owner:
Gun? What gun? I'm not holding gun. Guys, it's me. Ed, your father helped me build this store.

Gin Rummy:
I don't know you, motherf***er! Now, put down the weapon! Put it down!

Store Owner:
There is no weapon! Look!

Gin Rummy:
Drop the weapon!

Officer Frank:
I... I don't see a weapon!

Huey Freeman:
There is no weapon! They're robbin' the store!

Store Owner:
I am not holding a weapon! I am not holding a weapon!

Gin Rummy:
Officer, this motherf***er's got a gun pointed at you! Do you wanna die?

Officer Frank:
What?

Gin Rummy:
Do you want to die?

Officer Frank:
I... I don't want to die!

Huey Freeman:
He does not have a gun!

Gin Rummy:
He does have a gun, officer, trust me! The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence!

Officer Frank:
I don't see a gun!

Ed Wuncler III:
Man, f*** this sh*t! Who's side are you on? Mine, or this motherf***er who's obviously of terrorist descent?

Officer Frank:
Wait... I think I can see the gun now.

Gin Rummy:
Good! Now we all see the weapon! Now you hand over that weapon on the count of three, or I swear to almighty God, I'll blow your f***ing head off! One!

Store Owner:
I can't give you a weapon I'm not holding! You're thinking of the Korean store, North of here!

Gin Rummy:
Two!

Officer Frank:
Is he... still holding it?

Huey Freeman:
He is not holding a weapon!

Gin Rummy:
Time's up!

Gin Rummy:
Ain't nobody seen nothin'.

Huey Freeman:
I know who did the killing! I've known for twenty minutes. Guy's name is Terrell Jackson; he's been bragging about it all day. Everybody knows. He lives five minutes away. I've got MapQuest directions right here.

Ed Wuncler III:
How'd you find all this out?

Huey Freeman:
We talked to people!

Riley:
[holds up a drawing] I got a picture.

Gin Rummy:
Where you get that?

Riley:
I drew it from the description of the dude that they gave us while y'all was whuppin' niggas asses in the street. I almost had time to color it.

Old B*tch:
[to Tom, who's driving slowly on the highway] You drive like an old b*tch!

Jazmine Dubois:
[preaching in her dream] Nowadays people think ho, ho, ho is the Hilton sisters standing next to Nicole Richie!

Jazmine Dubois:
Nowadays people think HO HO HO means Nicole Richie standing next to the Hilton Sisters! But that ain't no HO HO HO! I'm talking about the REAL HO HO HO!!!

Riley:
Dear Santa, you are a b*tch nigga. No, scratch that. Dear Santa, you are a b*tch *ass* nigga. I heard they hired extra security to protect you. That's a b*tch move, Santa. I'm coming for that ass again. Until you pay what you owe. Sincerely yours, The Santa Stalker.

Riley:
Yeah, that's yo ass, Santa! I'm coming fo that ass!

Kid:
We were just having a little fun.

Huey:
Fun? Do I look like Charlie Brown?...Do I *look* like Charlie Brown? You know what? All of y'all are fired! Get out!

Kid:
What? Awww, c'mon.

Huey:
Did I stutter?

[Kids groan and then look to Quincy Jones for help]

Quincy Jones:
[shrugs] Hey, don't be looking at me.

Huey:
Don't look at Quincy Jones! Quincy Jones ain't gonna help you! Get your asses out! *Now*!

Mr. Uberwitz:
I would really love to see your vision.

Huey:
Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside-down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Ask yourself... are you really ready to see that vision?

Huey Freeman:
They gon' fire you.

Mr. Uberwitz:
For what?

Huey Freeman:
For being an irresponsible white person.

Jazmine Dubois:
Why doesn't the real Santa come?

Riley:
'Cause there ain't no real Santa. [walks away]

[Jazmine falls to her knees and cries]

Uncle Ruckus:
No Santy Claus? Well, I'd expect a heathen nigglet like Riley to say somethin' like that. But Jazmine, I'm surprised at you! Bein' a mule-atto and all, you s'posed to have more sense.

Huey:
I just told you the whole history of Christmas.

Granddad:
But it was boooorrrrinnggg, Huey. You're just blah, blah, gay sex, blah, blah, Congress!

Luna:
Any noise, and I will butt-rape your grandfather with this broomstick!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Boys! Don't make any noise!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[watching his blind date messily eat] Do you know what? I've had it. This sucks!

Ugly Woman:
What's wrong with you?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
You know what's wrong with me! When was this picture taken, 1964?

[Indicating the picture she gave him of a younger more attractive woman]

Ugly Woman:
You saying I don't look like my picture?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
I'm saying you probably never looked like this damn picture, this ain't you!

Ugly Woman:
So is all that you care about is looks?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
YES!

Ugly Woman:
Well excuse me for thinking you liked me for who I was on the inside!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Well, you're a liar on the inside, this whole relationship is based on a lie, an UGLY lie! Why the hell does this keep happening to me? God what did I do to deserve this? This is payback for what? What did I do to you? Tell me.

Ugly Woman:
Nigga, you ain't no Denzel, hell you ain't even no Flava Flav!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Time after time after time. There ought to be a law, lock em up, charge em with fraud, I'd be snitchin' on ugly women all day, I should give em the chair, electrify their ugly asses, dry pool that switch quick!

Uncle Ruckus:
[Explaining to Riley how to behave when Cindy McPhearson gets in the basketball game] Lookin' at the white girl, that's a foul. Speakin' to the white girl, that's a technical foul. Touchin' the white girl... oh-ho-ho-ho-ho... that's a lynchin'!

Uncle Ruckus:
Ah, between me and you, your granddaddy shouldn't be too worried. Everybody knows niggas can't fight.

Huey:
I'm sorry?

Uncle Ruckus:
You heard me, nigga, niggas can't fight. They don't possess the strength of character or the mental quickness to be a great fighter. That's why all the best fighters in the world have always been white men. Jack Dempsey, Rocky Marciano, Sly-vester Stallone, and don't forget Ralph Macchio! Name me one great, black, heavyweight fighter. Name one, go ahead, try, name one. See there? Ya can't do it. What, what what, what? Oh, oh, oh, oh you wanna pull Ali out yo' ass? That what you thinkin' 'bout? Muhammad Ali? Well, if that nigga so tough, then why he didn't go to Vietnam? I'll tell you why. 'Cause he was scared, that's why. Shoot. "No Vietnamese ever called me nigga." I call him a nigga eight times before I have breakfast, now what he gon' do? Hold on, I'll make it nine... NIGGA!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
I won't fail you - I'm not afraid!

Huey:
Oh, you will be. You will be.

Huey:
That night I dreamt of a blind swordsman. He knows my every move yet he can not see. As my mind fights to make sense of the impossible, he has turned my sight into a liability. He has no just cause to want my life. There is no forethought, no logic in his actions. This isn't just any swordsman. This is the blind nigga samurai.

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
What's good, nigga? What's really good?

Huey:
[wakes up in a cold sweat] Niggas!

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
B*tch ass, f*ggot ass, punk ass, p*ssy ass, b*tch ass *nigga*! You wanna do somethin? B*tch... ass... nigga!

Huey:
He believed it was his love of hatred that kept him going.

Huey:
You know, we could all be reading a book right now.

Huey:
Watch closely. You are about to experience a "nigga moment". Webster defines the "nigga moment" as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical Negro male. Causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner... i.e. like a nigga.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Awww, look what you did to 'Dorothy'. You better have insurance.

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
Nigga, you better have insurance! Ass-whoopin' insurance! And you about to pay a deductible!

Huey:
If Nigga Moments had their own category, Nigga Moments would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A. It's a fact.

Uncle Ruckus:
Jean-Claude Van Damme's the best martial artist in the world. He killed a man with his butt cheek power.

Huey:
I've said it before, expensive sneakers are like a $150 land mines. Step on one and BOOM! A perfectly rational black man can explode.

Doctor:
Mr. Stinkmeaner the cancer has spread to your eyes, I'm afraid you will never see again.

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
Well at least I won't have to look at your ugly ass no more!

Riley Freeman:
[after Granddad knocks Stinkmeaner out] Dang, Granddad! You ain't have to kill'im!

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
Who in the hell parked in my space? That's like calling 1-800-collect-an-ass-whupping. And no, this ain't no toll free call!

Huey:
Stinkmeaner got no pleasure seeing sunsets or trees, dolphins or rainbows.

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
[Looking at a rainbow over a sunset over the ocean with dolphins] Man, this some ol' bullshit!

Cristal:
[after watching Granddad give his belt to a woman so she could beat her unruly child] Not many men would stop to help a woman in need.

Granddad:
Well, uh, heh, heh, I guess I just hate to see a child go unbeaten.

Riley:
Well, I don't see what big deal is with hos, anyway.

Huey:
Riley! All women are not hos! We're talkin' 20... 25 per cent tops.

Riley:
What if they have kids? Then our brother and our sister are gonna be half-ho!

Cristal:
[after drinking orange juice] Ahhh, a full day's supply of Vitamin C!

Granddad:
Hold on there, Slickback.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
No, it's A Pimp Named Slickback.

Granddad:
That's what I said. Slickback.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
No, it's "A Pimp Named Slickback." Like A Tribe Called Quest; you say the whole thing: "A Pimp Named Slickback"!

Granddad:
Can't I just call you "Slickback" for short?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
No, nigga! It's "A Pimp Named Slickback!"

Granddad:
Cristal, who is this person?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Nigga, are you deaf? I'm A Pimp Named Slickback! Say it with me now!

Huey Freeman:
Don't take this the wrong way, but... I need you to get the hell up outta here.

Cristal:
Any particular reason?

Huey Freeman:
You're kind of a lazy ho?

Cristal:
Yeah, I could see that.

Huey Freeman:
I don't know why my Granddad can't see it.

Cristal:
To be honest, me either. It's so obvious.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
[reciting prayer] Lord, please pray for the soul of this b*tch. And guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord. So that she might learn a ho's place. Amen.

Granddad:
You ain't gon' hit no woman in my house.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
What woman, sir? This here's a ho.

Riley:
Grandad! It's a nigga in a purple suit!

Cristal:
The name's Cristal, you know like the Champagne.

Huey Freeman:
Cristal, that sounds like a stripper name. Might you be a stripper, Cristal like the champagne?

Cristal:
And what would you know about strippers little man?

Huey Freeman:
Not much, but I do know they're usually named after liquor.

Huey:
Granddad, have you asked yourself why a 20-year-old girl would wanna go out with a man your age?

Granddad:
Because I laid my game down quite flat.

Riley:
Game? What you know about the game, Granddad?

Granddad:
I know the game.

Riley:
Takin' women out to eat, givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that? You takin' her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. The fam ain't eatin' cheddar biscuits but this random broad is eatin' cheddar biscuits.

Riley:
I know the game. Your granddaddy knows the game.

Riley:
Game recognize game, Granddad.

Granddad:
I recognize game! Your granddaddy recognize game!

Riley:
Game recognize game and you lookin' kinda unfamiliar right now. I - I can't... Where's Granddad? Can I help you, sir?

Riley:
Fake ass Mariah Carey!

Riley Freeman:
Game recognizes game and you're looking kinda unfamiliar right now...

Huey:
She sure can run in those heels.

Werner Herzog:
Are you supporting Barack Obama?

Thugnificent:
For what?

Werner Herzog:
For president?

Thugnificent:
President of what?

Werner Herzog:
You don't know there is a black man running for president named Barack Obama?

Thugnificent:
His name is Barack? For real?

Werner Herzog:
Barack Obama. Yes.

Thugnificent:
Get the f*** outta here. Barack?

Werner Herzog:
Yes, Barack.

Thugnificent:
Where's he from, Africa?

Werner Herzog:
His dad was African, yes.

Thugnificent:
You can't be serious man. There ain't no nigga running for president named Barack Obama. Hahahaha! No way man, no f***in' way. I don't believe you! Stop f***in' with me!

Werner Herzog:
So then, now that it looks like Obama is going to win, as a black African negro, are you merely excited, or are you extremely excited that everything is going to change forever?

Huey Freeman:
Ehh.

Werner Herzog:
I felt my sphincter clench and my scrotum contract in shock at his response.

Werner Herzog:
So, if the election is fake, what is really going on?

Huey Freeman:
The end of America.

Werner Herzog:
I felt despair so terrible that I briefly consider slitting my own wrists, or bludgeoning myself about the head with a steel pipe or baseball bat. But I brought no blade, no pipe, no bat.

Werner Herzog:
Towards the end of the 2008 campaign, the Republican party, terrified at their own sinking poll numbers, attempted to link Barack Obama to radical leftist figures to make him appear un-American. First was the controversial Reverend Jeremiah Wright.

Jeremiah Wright:
I say motherf*** America, motherf*** America's mother, motherf*** America's daddy, America can eat a dick, America can lick the balls!

President Barack Obama:
Look, I have many, many friends on Myspace. I pretty much add anybody. I don't know who this Huey Freeman is, but he doesn't stand for what I stand for. And... I denounce, I repudiate, and condemn him. Basically... f*** him.

Uncle Ruckus:
Due to the conditions of my parole, I am unable to leave the country at this time. I am forced to remain here, and express my extreme displeasure, while in no way threatening the life of the president and his beautiful monkey family.

Werner Herzog:
What is wrong with letting people be happy? Can too much hope possibly be a bad thing?

Huey Freeman:
Hope... is irrational.

Werner Herzog:
[narrating] In Bavaria we have a saying: "Der Junge ist ja total bedient." It means "This is the most depressing f***ing kid I've ever met in my life".

Bushido Brown:
Man, you come from straight out of a comic strip.

[Ed III and Rummy rob a bank]

Ed Wuncler III:
22 minutes.

Gin Rummy:
We suck! We f***in' suck, man!

Ed Wuncler III:
I don't think 22 minutes is so bad.

Gin Rummy:
Not so bad? That's a whole episode of "Seinfeld"! It takes us a whole episode of Sein-f***in'-feld to rob a bank!

Gin Rummy:
Oh, snap! What if we kidnap Oprah?

Ed Wuncler III:
And do what?

Gin Rummy:
Control of Oprah is control over women.

Ed Wuncler III:
Wait, I see where you're going. See, 'cause, like, control over women... is control over *b*tches*!

Gin Rummy:
Back in Iraq, we was in the Special Ops.

Riley:
Y'all niggas should've been in the Special Olympics!

Gin Rummy:
Whoa. Bushido Brown. Aw, damn, I was afraid of this.

Ed Wuncler III:
Who's Bushido Brown?

Gin Rummy:
A bona fide bad motherf***er, that's who. You remember when Oprah made those comments about the beef industry?

Riley:
No.

Gin Rummy:
Oh. Well, a few years back, Oprah said some sh*t on her show about beef. You know, Mad Cow Disease or some sh*t. Anyway, the beef industry didn't exactly find that sh*t amusing. They figured they'd send a crew of armed Texans to teach Oprah a lesson. Ex-Marines, ex-Texas Rangers, rouges, that kinda sh*t. But Oprah had hired Bushido Brown as her personal boydguard. Apparently, only one dude managed to actually lay a hand on Oprah's office door. They say... Bushido Brown kept that hand.

Ed Wuncler III:
...I think I just sh*t myself.

[Ed III is floundering in the middle of his swimming pool]

Ed Wuncler III:
Hey! Why you leave me out here? One of you muthaf***as better come out here and get me, I know that! Or you *will* be living in a haunted house tonight!

Gin Rummy:
Swim, b*tch!

Riley:
Who's tryin' to stop you? Nobody ever tries ro stop you.

Gin Rummy:
Yes they do.

Riley:
No they don't.

Gin Rummy:
Hey, just because we don't know anyone tryin' to stop us, don't mean ain't nobody out there tryin' to stop us. The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.

Riley:
Seems to me like everyone just lets ya'll do whatever you want. Thats why ya'll always getaway.

Gin Rummy:
We get away, because i'm a criminal master mind.

Riley:
Whatever nigga.

Ed Wuncler III:
[Throws down a game controler] This is some bullshit! The game cheatin'!

Riley:
Nigga, the game ain't cheatin'.

Ed Wuncler III:
Start the game over!

Riley:
Why you always gotta cheat when you lose Ed?

Gin Rummy:
Let'em have it. Not wise to upset a Wuncler.

Ed Wuncler III:
[Pulls out gun and shoots the Playstation 2, then points the gun at Riley] Restart the game, now!

Riley:
[as Ed and Rummy make up and embrace each other after arguing] Y'all niggas are gay.

Gin Rummy:
Oprah Winfrey taps directly into the emotions, beliefs, buying habits and summer reading patterns of billions of women all over the world! Oprah Winfrey has the power to lay waste an entire industry with a mere utterance! She's a completely invincible, unstoppable force of nature and with her under our control... nobody would be able to stop us!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Boys! What the hell?

Riley:
I ain't doing nothing, granddad. I was just gon go to Ed's house and Huey said I couldn't go 'cause he a hater.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
What the hell is wrong with you Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy, that's his business.

Huey Freeman:
Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!

Riley:
There he go hatin' again!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Boy! Stop hatin'!

Huey Freeman:
What about the time when Riley and Ed were playing with a loaded shot gun and Riley shot Ed out of a second story window?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
That did happen, didn't it.

Riley:
Okay, so just 'cause Ed believes in the second amendment right to bare arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the Bill of Rights, Huey?

Huey Freeman:
Okay, how about the time they stopped for gas and ended up robbing the Mini-Mart?

Riley:
They was fighting terrorism! Make the world safe for the freedoms we enjoy today. That's messed up. You don't support the troops, Huey.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
That is kinda messed up, Huey... be back by dinner.

Ed Wuncler III:
It was all Rummy's fault.

Gin Rummy:
Ed ran into the wrong store. I was following Ed.

Ed Wuncler III:
How was I supposed to know which bookstore to go into? They look exactly the same, and they both got books.

Riley:
And there was a giant crowd of people outside of one!

Ed Wuncler III:
That don't mean Oprah was in there!

Riley:
There was a large sign that said 'Welcome, Oprah'! Ya'll lucky Ed's grandfather owns the cops.

Butler:
Just what are you trying to imply? Look, we escaped their capture because of planning, teamwork, and execution.

Butler:
This officer wanted to see you, Mr. Wuncler.

Policeman:
Excuse me, Mr. Wuncler. I just well, you dropped this today at the bookstore, during the unpleasant... [hands Ed his wallet] Thank you, Mr. Wuncler. I'm so sorry to disturb you. I hope you're not upset with me.

Riley:
...Why don't we just get Oprah tomorrow?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[Huey and Riley are fighting until Granddad intervenes] Boys! What the hell?

Riley:
I ain't doing nothing Granddad, I was just gonna go to Ed's house, and Huey, said I couldn't go cause he a hater

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
What the hell is wrong with you Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy that's his business.

Huey Freeman:
Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!

Riley:
There he goes hatin' again!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Boy! Stop hatin!

Huey Freeman:
What about the time when Ed and Riley were playing with a loaded shotgun and Riley shot Ed out of a second story window. [flashback to Riley who shoots Ed and falls from the building, he wore a body armor]

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Oh, that did happen, didn't it?

Riley:
Ok, so just cause Ed believes in second amendment right to bear arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the bill of rights Huey?

Huey Freeman:
Ok, how about the time he stopped for gas, and ended up robbing the mini-mart [flashback to Ed and Rummy's raid at the mini mart]

Riley:
They was fightin' terrorism, making the world safe for the freedom we enjoy today. That's messed up, you don't support the troops Huey!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
That is kind of messed up Huey. [to Riley] Be back by dinner.

[repeated line]

Riley Freeman:
Y'all niggas are gay.

Ed Wuncler III:
Kyaa, b*tch!

Martin Luther King:
This is it? This is what I got all them ass whoopin's for?

Martin Luther King:
I've seen what's around the corner. I've seen what's over the horizon and I promise you, you niggas have nothing to celebrate! And no, I wont get there with ya. I'm goin' to Canada.

Huey:
[narrating] Dr. King looked out at his people and saw they were in great need. So he did what all great leaders do: he told them the truth.

Martin Luther King:
[shouts] Will you ignorant niggas *please* shut the hell up?

Martin Luther King:
Oh, snap. No, they didn't. A boneless rib sandwich. What will they think of next? I know I shouldn't eat these. But they're for a limited time only.

Huey:
Dr King, wake up. You have an interview today.

Martin Luther King:
I'm not going. I quit.

Huey:
Dr. King!

Martin Luther King:
I don't wanna! Mm-mmm!

Huey:
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr! You come out of that room and continue to fight for freedom and justice this instant!

Martin Luther King:
Huey, I just don't think I belong in this new world. I don't know if I need the 20 gig iPod or the 40 gig. I tried to download some Mahalia Jackson, but I lost my iTunes password.

Uncle Ruckus:
Shut yo' preachin' ass up, you son of a b*tch! [throws a brick at Dr. King]

Martin Luther King:
Black Entertainment Television is the *worst* thing I have ever seen in my life... Usher, "Michael Jackson" is *not* a genre of music... And now I'd like to talk about "Soul Plane"!

[the Freemans have Martin Luther King over for dinner]

Tom Dubois:
Dr King, I just wanted to say that even though you've been catching a lot of flak recently, we're very honored to meet you. Really.

Riley:
Get off his dick.

[Huey kicks him]

Riley:
Ow! Man, I'm just sayin'. Mr. Dubois riding Dr. King like a rodeo show.

[Huey kicks him again]

Riley:
Ow!

Granddad:
Stop it.

Riley:
[to Dr. King] You don't look famous. What are you an actor? Is you Morgan Freeman?

[Huey punches him]

Riley:
Ow!

Granddad:
Boy, stop acting crazy. You know that's Martin Luther King. Now go clear the dishes.

Riley:
Why can't this Morgan Freeman King dude clear the dishes? Shoot, the nigga just had a free meal.

Martin Luther King:
And so the philosophy of this new political party might be considered extremely leftist by some...

Talk Show Host:
[interrupting] Do you love America?

Martin Luther King:
[confused] I'm sorry?

Talk Show Host:
You sure as hell are, buddy! Why can't liberals ever answer that question with a simple yes, huh? If you ask me if I love America, I say yes. Why can't you say yes? Say you love America, right now. Say it!

Martin Luther King:
The party's basic philosophy is...

Talk Show Host:
[shouting] Say it!

Martin Luther King:
Sir, I will not be...

Talk Show Host:
[shouting] Say it or shut up!

Talk Show Host:
[normal] We'll be back with more fair and balanced coverage after...

[Huey hits him with a chair and beats him]

Martin Luther King:
Is this it? This is what I got all those ass-whoopings for? I had a dream once. It was a dream that little black boys and little black girls would drink from the river of prosperity, freed from the thirst of oppression. But lo and behold, some four decades later, what have I found but a bunch of trifling, shiftless, good-for-nothing n*ggers? And I know some of you don't want to hear me say that word. It's the ugliest word in the English language, but that's what I see now: n*ggers. And you don't want to be a n*gger, 'cause n*ggers are living contradictions! N*ggers are full of unfulfilled ambitions! N*ggers wax and wane, n*ggers love to complain! N*ggers love to hear themselves talk but hate to explain! N*ggers love being another man's judge and jury! N*ggers procrastinate until it's time to worry! N*ggers love to be late, n*ggers hate to hurry! Black Entertainment Television is the worst thing I've ever seen in my life! Usher, "Michael Jackson" is *not* a genre of music! And now I'd like to talk about "Soul Plane". I've seen what's around the corner, I've seen what's over the horizon, and I promise you, you n*ggers won't have nothing to celebrate. And no, I won't get there with you. I'm going to Canada.

Huey Freeman:
Is the cop here for me or him?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Your brother was caught doing grafitti on... wait. Why would he be here for you?

Huey Freeman:
Uh, no reason.

Uncle Ruckus:
This is just more proof that the white man made a tragic misjudgment when he made it legal to teach n*ggers to read and write. Paint faster! Oh what? What? You call that art? Huh? Ain't no n*gger ever been good at drawing! If Michelangelo had been black, Jesus would look like George Jefferson! Keep painting!

Huey Freeman:
OK... N*ggerize Me.

Riley Freeman:
Now, I know dis is gonna come as a huge surprise to everyone, but I'm da artist. That's right, people. I know, amazin', ain't it? So young, so young.

Thugnificent:
Hey, don't sweat it, homey. 'Cause when it's time to show the world how the broke niggas live, maybe MTV will come to your house, and it'll be your turn to shine. But until then - tell your moms to get off my dick, nigga! And get the hell up outta here, b*tches!

Riley Freeman:
I can't wait for people to start hating, I can't wait!

Huey Freeman:
So you judge your success by the amount of ill will you generate from those around you.

Riley Freeman:
Hey, if people aren't mad at you, you're doing something wrong.

Huey Freeman:
By that definition then, you have a very bright future.

Riley Freeman:
Thanks man.

George Pissedofferson:
Well, well, well. We came a long way to kill you little nigglets. Now it's time for the BIG BONANZAAAA!

Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty:
[takes a fighting stance] You know that this is, suckas!

Riley Freeman:
[Huey and Riley just stare. Riley starts laughing] Yo! You see these two old ass niggas? [Huey still glares at them and then grabs Riley]

Riley Freeman:
Come on!

Riley Freeman:
Yo! Why we runnin'? [Pissedofferson and Gripenasty athletically leap several feet in the air over the brothers]

Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty:
Yeah, motherf***er! [while airborne. Both then land conveniently in front of the Freeman boys]

Riley Freeman:
Damn! Them ol' niggas can jump! [the two charge Huey and Riley, who split up, and a fight ensues]

Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty:
[beating the life out of Riley] F*** yo' ass up like you stole somethin'! Who you think you f***in' with, huh? HUH!

Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty:
[Pissedofferson and Gripenasty have the boys down for the count but the school bell rings the school to end and a group of children come of the building to play] Damn bell done rang! Come on, let's go! [Both athletically jump away and disappear]

Uncle Ruckus:
[Sees a black car pull up at the service station and comes out to greet three African-American senior citizens] Oh, hell naw! What y'all want, niggas? Hurry up! I ain't got all day!

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
We're lookin' for a place called Woodcrest. Is this it?

Uncle Ruckus:
Maybe. Look, you want gas or not?

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
We're lookin' for a man.

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh, yeah I bet you are. You're lookin' for the number man or the weed man or the Welfare man...

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
Naw, the man I'm lookin' for is named Freeman. Robert Freeman.

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh, hell no! I knew it! You related to Robert Freeman?

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
[All three look at each other] So, you know him?

Uncle Ruckus:
Yeah, I know him. But Woodcrest don't need no more coloreds. We got our colored quota filled. So y'all can just get to steppin' and get in that piece 'o sh*t car, turn it around and head it back up the road, Crusty the Coon!

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
Why don't you tell me where Robert is? [Slams brass knuckles against the palm of his hand] Before I put five across yo' lip, ya big black dummy?

Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty:
Yeah! Start talkin' you one-eyed, fish-eyed fool!

George Pissedofferson:
Hey, we ain't got all night, buffalo butt!

Uncle Ruckus:
I ain't scared of y'all decrepit Negroes! COME ONE! [Crabmiser advances towards and takes a swing] Aah! [Camera pans away to sounds of fists punching]

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh, there was three of them. Two black nigga men and one black nigga woman. Oh, they each had big black lips, big black nostrils and a big black attitude problem.

Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty:
Just how far away is their classroom? The moon?

Huey Freeman:
You killed a man in defense of your ego.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Tough titty for him! He's dead and I'm goin' fishin'!

Uncle Ruckus:
[Sees a black car pull up at the service station and comes out to greet three African-American senior citizens] Oh, hell naw! What y'all want, niggas? Hurry up! I ain't got all day!

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
We're lookin' for a place called Woodcrest. Is this it?

Uncle Ruckus:
Maybe. Look, you want gas or not?

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
We're lookin' for a man.

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh, yeah I bet you are. You're lookin' for the number man or the weed man or the Welfare man...

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
Naw, the man I'm lookin' for is named Freeman. Robert Freeman.

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh, hell no! I knew it! You related to Robert Freeman?

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
[All three look at each other] So, you know him?

Uncle Ruckus:
Yeah, I know him. But Woodcrest don't need no more coloreds. We got our colored quota filled. So y'all can just get to steppin' and get in that piece 'o sh*t car, turn it around and head it back up the road, Crusty the Coon!

Lord Rufus Crabmiser:
Why don't you just tell me where Robert is - [Slams brass knuckles against the palm of his hand] - before I put five across yo' lip, ya big black dummy?

Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty:
Yeah! Start talkin' you one-eyed, fish-eyed fool!

George Pissedofferson:
Hey, we ain't got all night, buffalo butt!

Uncle Ruckus:
I ain't scared of y'all decrepit Negroes! COME ONE! [Crabmiser advances towards and takes a swing] Aah! [Camera pans away to sounds of fists punching]

Huey Freeman:
This isn't an exorcism - it's a beating.

Uncle Ruckus:
Sometimes there is very little difference.

Uncle Ruckus:
We will use the tools that God gave us to fight the n*gger: The whip, the noose, the nightstick, the branding iron. These things strike fear into the heart of the n*gger. The job application.

Tom Dubois:
[Somebody takes Tom's parking space] Oh come on! You ni... ncompoop! You Can't do that! Hey!

Huey Freeman:
[narrating] A Nigga moment can happen to any Black man at any time

Tom Dubois:
Hey! That was my space! I had my Blinker on and everything!

Man in Parking lot:
F*** you, Punk-ass, P*ssy-ass, B*tch-ass Nigga! I'll get your motherf***in' seditty ass, Nigga! Don't ever in your life try to holla at me! F*** with me, Nigga I'll pop a trunk on your b*tch ass, Nigga. Get my motherf***in' Uzi...

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
[Begins to Possess Tom] What did you say, NIGGA?

Man in Parking lot:
You know what, motherf***er? Eat a dick Nigga! I'm tired of this mother...

[Tom, possessed by Stinkmeaner, kicks him in his chest]

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
Oh yeah! Look at you! You was poppin' all that good sh*t a second ago then you got kicked in yo' chest! You eat a dick, nigga! *You* eat a dick!

Tom Dubois:
[returns to normal in realization of what he's done] Oh, my god! Sir, are you okay? Who did this to you? What did he look like?

[yells out to parking lot]

Tom Dubois:
Did anyone see who accosted this man?

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
[Possessing Tom] Oh yeah! I think I wanna have *sexual relations*!

Sarah Dubois:
Tom, what's gotten into you?

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
The same thing that's about to get into *you*!

[He leads her to the bedroom]

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
Oh yeah! I'mma make it do what it do!

Defense attorney:
So Mrs. Wong, there you were NOT carjacking Mr. Tescanally, not beating him senseless with a nine iron, stealing his wallet and driving his car into the hosiery section of a JC Penny?

Mrs. Wong:
Correct.

Defense attorney:
I have no further questions.

Tom Dubois:
Now, Mrs. Wong, let me ask you a question...

[His face suddenly morphs out of shape as Stinkmeaner possesses him]

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
WHAT'S GOOD, NIGGA?

Tom Dubois:
[the courtroom gasps. Tom covers his mouth] Ahh! Oh my god.

Judge:
Excuse me, Mr. Dubois?

Tom Dubois:
Hahaha, well I said, um...

[His face morphs again]

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
WHAT'S REALLY GOOD?

[People chuckle]

Judge:
Is there something 'really good' you'd like to share with the court, Mr. Dubois?

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
[Morphs again] F*** YOUR COURT NIGGA!

Judge:
Mr. Dubois!

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
[Jumping up and down on a table] F***... YOUR... COURT, NIGGA! F*** YOUR COURT!

Colonel H. Stinkmeaner:
[Running out the door] Lady Liberty's got balls!

Uncle Ruckus:
[Talking to Robert, Huey, and Riley about Tom's posession] Avoid conversation with the n*gger, the n*gger will lie, the n*gger will make excuses, he will use words he don't really know.

Uncle Ruckus:
Removing an evil n*gger spirit from a negro is as hard as removing the stink from a hunk of sh*t.

Riley Freeman:
I don't snitch! I can't talk to the Po-po.

Huey Freeman:
You can tell Granddad, he's not the police.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Yeah boy. You can tell me.

Riley Freeman:
Do you promise not to tell nobody?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Of course I promise. I swear on your life.

Riley Freeman:
[pause] You lyin'! That's messed-up, Granddad!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[grabs Riley by the shoulders] Boy, you tell me who stole my car!

Jazmine Dubois:
Oh, you think ponies grow on trees?

Huey Freeman:
What kind of question is that? It's a large 4-legged mammal.

Jazmine Dubois:
Or maybe I'm just supposed to wait until I'm an old woman before I get my pony. How am I going to look, Huey, a 65 year-old woman riding a pony?

Ed Wuncler:
I admire entrepreneurship in young people.

Huey Freeman:
You mean like them 12-year-old girls that work in your sweatshops in Indonesia?

Ed Wuncler:
That's right, every morning I wake up and put one foot on the ground and the other up the ass of a 12 year-old Indonesian girl.

Jazmine Dubois:
My own pony! I'm gonna name him Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony.

Ed Wuncler:
How old are you?

Jazmine Dubois:
T-T-T-Ten

Ed Wuncler:
T-T-T-Too damn old to be writing your E's backwards, dammit!

President Barack Obama:
My fellow Americans, uh, good afternoon. I'd like to start off by thanking all of you out there, uh, who have called and written letters about the safety of the First Family. You'll be happy to know that Michelle, Sasha, Malia, myself and Bo are all fine.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Don't nobody care about *you*, man! Tell us everything gonna be okay for *us*!

President Barack Obama:
Everything is going to be okay... *for us*. We are currently in our very own super-secret underground bunker with enough food and water and entertainment to last several lifetimes. But I'm here tonight to talk about *you*. In times of crisis, Americans pull together. And what's going to get us through this difficult time? Sharing.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
*Sharing?*

President Barack Obama:
Lending a helping hand to a neighbor in their hour of need.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
No, f*** a neighbor! What we need is a *cure*!

President Barack Obama:
Unfortunately, there is no cure for the pandemic we now face. But we do have an even more powerful weapon - compassion for our fellow man.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
No! F*** compassion for our fellow man!

President Barack Obama:
In conclusion, I want to say that we are all in for some tough times ahead, and when I say "we," I mean "you." But Michelle, Sasha, Malia, myself and Bo are going to be right here, rooting for you all the way. Goodnight, and God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
...We all gonna die!

President Barack Obama:
Good evening. My fellow Americans, I want you to know in this time of crisis, I am personally doing everything I can to help you, and by "everything," I mean sitting here and talking to you in a calm, soothing voice. And as long as you can hear my voice, everything is going to be just fine.

Riley Freeman:
[voiceover] Cindy MacPhearson, AKA C-Murder. She had the whole Girl Scout cookie game on lock.

Girl Scout #1:
What up, Cindy? Yo, I just seen this kid over there, right over there around the corner over there, and I know she ain't down with your team.

Cindy McPhearson:
Who?

Girl Scout #1:
I don't know. Some skinny big-headed b*tch.

Cindy McPhearson:
Word? Come on. [they confront the rival Girl Scout]

Riley Freeman:
[voiceover] She wasn't like Jazmine and Phil. Cindy was a G.

Cindy McPhearson:
What you think you're doin' here?

Rival Girl Scout:
You talkin' to me?

Cindy McPhearson:
Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Open your bag! What's in your bag? I'll kill you, b*tch! [slaps her]

Girl Scout #1:
Get her, Cindy, get her! [the girls grab the screaming rival's bag and restrain her while Cindy keeps slapping her] C'mere! C'mere!

Riley Freeman:
[voiceover] But what I really liked about her was that she had less compassion than the average girl.

Cindy McPhearson:
[shoves the fleeing girl with her foot] Take off, b*tch! This is *my* street!

Alastair Ripley:
What is this, a casting call for The Sopranos reunion? Do me a favor, tell room service nobody here ordered the extra-large wop with a side order of wops.

Riley Freeman:
Look, f*** you, f*** the plane you flew in on, f*** them shoes, f*** those socks with the belt on it, f*** your gay-ass fairy f*ggot accent, f*** them cheap-ass cigars, f*** your yuck-mouth teeth, f*** your hairpiece, f*** your chocolate, f*** Guy Ritchie, f*** Prince William, f*** the Queen. This is America. My president is black and my Lambo is blue, nigga. Now, get the f*** out my hotel room and if I see you in the street, I'm slapping the sh*t out of you.

Granddad:
Nigga, if you ruin this party for me, I'll put my...

Huey:
Ruin the party? They love me. These people aren't worried about us. They're not worried about anything. They're rich. No matter what happens, these people just keep applauding.

Uncle Ruckus:
Attention please. Attention please. My name is Uncle Ruckus, no relation. I want to sing y'all a brand new song I just wrote called "Don't Trust Them New N*ggers Over There". Sing along if you know the words. [sings] Don't trust them new n*ggers over there / Leaving they n*gger essence in the air / Them happy, nappy head n*ggers / With they finger on the trigger / Don't trust them new n*ggers over there / Don't trust them big nostrils over yonder / They suck up so much air it'll make you wonder / Don't them new n*ggers / With they spidey little n*gger figures / Don't trust them new n*ggers over there.

[falls off stage]

Rich Woman:
I think the N-word is OK as long as they say it.

[crowd applauds]

Huey:
See?

Uncle Ruckus:
Don't trust them new n*ggers over there!

Huey Freeman:
[at a party full of white people] Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night.

[the white people riot]

Rich Woman:
It can't be true!

[Granddad smacks Huey on the head; he was dreaming]

Huey Freeman:
Ow!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Mm-hmm. You were havin' that dream where you made the white people riot again, weren't you?

Huey Freeman:
But I was tellin' the truth!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
How many times have I told you you bet' not even dream of tellin' white folk the truth? You understand me? Shoot... makin' white people riot. You better learn how to lie like me. I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now.

Civil Rights Protester:
This nigga went to get a motherf***in' raincoat!

Young Grandad:
We all been watching the same news. The police been doing this fire hoses thing all week. I just assumed we'd all wear our raincoats.

Civil Rights Protester:
I can't believe you!

Civil Rights Protester:
Dammit, Robert, who the hell shows up to a march in a raincoat?

Young Grandad:
Bet you wish you had your raincoat right now!

Civil Rights Protester:
You son of a - ! [grabs him and pushes him against a wall]

Young Grandad:
Remember what Dr. King says!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[to Ed Wuncler] Well, come in, sir. Welcome to *your* house.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
I mean, I happen to think a man looks nice with good hair and a ponytail. But no, I'm not gay.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[looking at the boys' BB gun] This damn thing looks real!

[the gun goes off and shoots Riley]

Riley Freeman:
Owww! Son of a - ! Granddad shot me! Granddad tried to 'sassinate me!

Ed Wuncler:
[to Granddad] Do I make you nervous, *Free*man?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
There's a new white man out here! He's refined. For example, did you know that the new white man loves gourmet cheese?

Huey Freeman:
Wait, I'm sorry. Did you say "cheese"?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Yup, cheese. You give the meanest white man a piece of cheese and he turn into Mr. Rogers.

Huey Freeman:
Granddad, that doesn't make sense.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Don't you talk back to me, boy!

Huey Freeman:
Granddad, you can't tame the white supremacist power structure with cheese!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Oh, yes I can!

Huey Freeman:
No, you can't!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Yes, I can!

Huey Freeman:
No, you can not!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Y'all need to start appreciating your Grandaddy! I went and spent your inheritance on this beautiful house in this neighborhood! And all I ask you to do is act like you got some class...

Riley Freeman:
[whispers to Huey] Ay, what's "class"?

Huey Freeman:
It means don't act like niggas.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
See! That's what I'm talking about right there! We don't use the N-word in this house!

Huey Freeman:
Granddad, you said the word "nigga" 46 times yesterday. I counted.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Nigga, hush!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[after drinking orange juice] Ahhh, a full day's supply of Vitamin C!

Ed Wuncler:
The only joy I get from these parties is standing around telling mean-spirited jokes at other people's expense.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
I do that, too!

Ed Wuncler:
[points out a guy] Check out that guy. Why is his face all twisted up like that? He looks like he jacks off with Icy Hot. He looks like he just sh*t a gerbil.

[they both laugh]

Riley Freeman:
Are you sure that vest will stop this shotgun?

Ed Wuncler III:
Man, I'm like the Terminator in this vest. [guzzles an entire beer and burps] What, you don't believe me? Go 'head! Pull the trigger!

Riley Freeman:
Now, are you sure that...

Ed Wuncler III:
I said pull the trigger NOW!

Riley Freeman:
You wanna play rough? OK. Say hello to my little friend.

[Riley fires; Ed is shot out the window and lands in the crowd outside]

Ed Wuncler III:
The f*** y'all lookin' at?

[rich crowd applauds]

Huey:
Granddad, I do not sip tea with the enemy. You could force me to go. But you can not force me to be someone I'm not.

Granddad:
The hell I can't! You gonna go and you not gonna embarrass me in front of my new neighbors or I'm gonna beat yo' ass!

Riley:
Why can't we be ourselves, huh? Why can't I be me? Are you ashamed of us?

Granddad:
Very!

Huey:
And all I'm saying is, Ronald Reagan was the devil.

Rich Man:
You are such an articulate young man.

Huey:
I'm trying to explain to you that Ronald Reagan was the devil! Ronald Wilson Reagan? Each of his names have six letters? 666? Man, doesn't that offend you?

Rich Man:
I love this kid!

[rich crowd smiles and applauds]

Huey:
Hey, what are you doing? Stop that!

Huey:
Don't you know CPR?

Lawyer:
I'm a lawyer, we don't help people!

Huey:
[after Riley has passed out from eating Granddad's "Luther Burger"] Do CPR!

Granddad:
[shouts] Riley, wake up!

Huey:
Yeah, I'm not sure yelling at him is going to help, Granddad. How do you not know CPR?

Granddad:
I tried to learn CPR, but they wouldn't let me... because I was Black.

Huey:
What?

Granddad:
Oh, sure, nowadays y'all can just run around and learn CPR whenever y'all want to. Just go around savin' lives, resuscitatin' each other willy-nilly. But when I was a young man, it used to be against the law to teach colored folks CPR, OK!

Huey:
Man, that's not true!

Riley Freeman:
Ewww, Mrs. Dubois, your peach cobbler look like throw-up.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Boy!

Riley Freeman:
It do! Look! It look like throw up with peas in it. Mrs. Dubois you been eatin' peas?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Boy, come here what wrong with you?

Riley Freeman:
What's wrong with *me*? What's wrong with *her*? She the one that brought vomit over here in a tupperware container.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
That is not vomit. It just looks like vomit. Now apologize to Mrs. Dubois.

Riley Freeman:
Fine. Mrs. Dubois I'm sorry your peach cobbler looks like vomit with peas.

Tom Dubois:
Hey, do I smell pork flavored broccoli?

Sarah Dubois:
Hey everyone! [singy-song] I brought peach cobbler!

Riley Freeman:
Ewww! Mrs. Dubois your peach cobbler look like throw up!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
BOY!

Riley Freeman:
It do, look! It look like throw-up with peas in it! Mrs. Dubois you've been eating peas?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[grabs Riley by the arm] Boy come here! What is wrong with you!

Riley Freeman:
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with her? She is the one who brought vomit in the container

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
That is not vomit! It just looks like vomit! Now apologize to Mrs. Dubois

Sarah Dubois:
[offended] Uh, it's ok! Really!

Riley Freeman:
Fine, Mrs. Dubois I'm sorry your peach cobbler looks like vomit with peas!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
DAMN IT BOY!

Sarah Dubois:
Guys please, I mean you don't have to!

Riley Freeman:
I don't care if you beat me Granddad I won't eat it! That is DISGUSTING! [Sarah looks offended] It's completely uncalled for

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
You will eat it, if I have to hold you down and shove it down your throat!

Sarah Dubois:
Really I didn't mean for it to be.

Riley Freeman:
I know what your trying to do! You're trying to kill me! I HATE YOU!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[chases Riley and proceeds to beat him offscreen while the Dubois and Huey look] You are gonna get it!

Riley Freeman:
I don't wanna eat the cobbler! I DON'T WANNA EAT THE COBBLER!

Huey:
Granddad, you can't serve this kinda food to people. It'll cause... death.

Riley:
[after eating The Luther] Whoa. This is what crack must feel like.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
I present to you The Luther. A full pound of burger patty covered in cheese, grilled onions, five strips of bacon, all sandwiched between...

Riley:
Two donuts!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Two *Krispy Kreme* donuts.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Do you know how long I wanted to own my own restaurant?

Huey Freeman:
Three weeks. At Sunday dinner, that was the first time you mentioned it. And you only started doin' the stupid Sunday dinner thing because you saw Soul Food on cable.

[Bell sounds]

Huey Freeman:
We're gonna pause this for the benefit of all ya'll that never saw Soul Food. Soul Food is a movie about a big, humongous, black grandmother, aptly named Big Mama. Big Mama demonstrates her love by feeding herself and her offspring enormous amounts of pig lard. Then - get this - Big Mama's arteries are so clogged, they gotta amputate her arm.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
It was her leg!

Huey Freeman:
Right, OK, whatever, leg. Then, she dies from a heart attack or another stroke or somethin'. And what does the family do after she dies? They get together for a Sunday dinner and eat the same food that just killed Big Mama. The *same* food. They didn't learn a lesson, nobody went on a diet, and that's the end of the movie.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Sunday dinners was my idea! They got that from me.

Ronald Reagan:
White Heaven is for decent, good, God-fearing Christians who just happen to, well, hate everyone and everything relating to black people. That means no Muhammad Ali, no hip-hop music and no f***ing Jesse Jackson.

Uncle Ruckus:
What about Whoopi Goldberg?

Ronald Reagan:
Nope.

Uncle Ruckus:
Ohhh! This *is* Heaven!

Uncle Ruckus:
God bless you, Robert. How are you this fine morning?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
You're not a Jehavoh's Witness now, are you? 'Cause I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program.

Uncle Ruckus:
Hahahahaha. Robert, I'm dying. That's right. Went to the doctor this morning. I only got six months to live. Tumor on the back. They call it Biggus Backus Tumoritis or some other big word that my tiny Negro brain and big lips can't pronounce.

Jazmine Dubois:
Do you believe in God, Huey? I believe in God.

Riley Freeman:
First of all, I'ma live forever! But if I do die, I'm gon' smack God upside the head and gon' tell him to get me a grilled-cheese sandwich and some tacos!

Jazmine Dubois:
[to Huey] When I want something or I'm afraid about something, I pray. Have you ever prayed?

Riley Freeman:
And I dare God to say somethin'! I'll be like 'Say somethin', God! Say somethin'! Yeah, I thought so!'

Jazmine Dubois:
[to Huey] You should pray for Shabazz. God'll get him out of jail. They have to listen to him. He's God!

Riley Freeman:
And if God say somethin' I'll be like this: [punches the air] Take that, God! I'll be beatin' God's jaw like: Pla-kow! Blaow!

Huey Freeman:
Operation Black Steel, the mission to liberate Shabazz K. Milton-Berle, was aborted... because I couldn't get a ride.

Huey Freeman:
[with tears in his eyes] I never prayed before. I don't even know who I'm praying to. Maybe I'm too young to know what the world is suppose to be... but it is not suppose to be this. It can't be this. So please...

Huey Freeman:
Maybe there are forces in this universe we don't understand. But I still believe we make our own miracles.

Huey Freeman:
What makes your god any less made up than his?

Uncle Ruckus:
People say to me 'Ruckus'. I say 'Huh, who said that?' They say 'How do I make it to White Heaven?' Well, start by askin' yourself 'How is my relationship with the white man?' Do you celebrate the white man's goodness every day? Do you stop and thank the white man for the food you eat and the clothes you wear? Huh? Well, if you don't, you goin' to Hell. Now, I want everybody who isn't white to turn to a white person and say 'Thank you'.

Tom Dubois:
[Tom puts his hand on a white man's shoulder] Thank you. Thank you so much.

Uncle Ruckus:
Well, there are those of you who say I'm a racist. There are those of you who say I'm wrong for hatin' niggas. Well, I call y'all ALL hypocrites! 'Cause each and every one of you can name ten niggas you hate right now if you had to!

Tom Dubois:
I never thought about it like that. There's Tyrone... Leon... Oh! Eddie!

Uncle Ruckus:
You don't have to admit it. That's OK. 'Cause I know you done already counted off five niggas in yo' head! You're like 'I hate that nigga Jamal! Oh, I hate Otis! I can't stand Usher!'

Tom Dubois:
Oh my God, he's right! I hate Usher, too!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
What?

Tom Dubois:
He's right. I think I hate black people!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
[whispering] Tom, stop being stupid!

Tom Dubois:
No, I think I hate 'em all. I don't like Puffy! I don't like Kobe! I don't like... [stands up] I don't like any of 'em!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Tom, snap out of it! Come on, we're leaving. [stands up]

Uncle Ruckus:
That's right! Somebody out there is feelin' the spirit!

Tom Dubois:
I am! I am! I feel it!

Uncle Ruckus:
If you black of skin and full of sin, come forward so I may lay my hands on you. [slaps a black man] Black be gone! [slaps black woman] Praise White Jesus! [slaps another black man] Now, I want everybody to find the nearest black man and lay hands on him. But first, make sure your hand is balled up in a fist so you can beat the black outta his soul. God smiles when you hate blackness so you beat that darkie in the name of the Almighty! Hallelujah! [the whole congregation starts beating each other. Granddad pulls Tom away from the melee] That's right! Ronald Regan said 'Beat a nigga's ass and go to Heaven.' God is good! Now, let us pray. Lord, I have spent my whole life hatin' you for makin' me black. And now I see I must hate myself and all those like me. And cause them misery just like your servant, Ronald Reagan did. And if any of my words don't come directly from the Almighty God himself, then may I be struck by lightning right this very instant! Halle- [Ruckus is struck by lightning] AAAAHHHHHHH!

The White Shadow:
Well, if you ever want to talk, just remember - I'm always listening.

Riley:
All I'm saying is when Xzibit brings that car back you gonna be "B*tches".

Granddad:
What did you call me?

Riley:
No, no, I mean "B*tches" like you gonna have so many b*tches that's what niggas is gonna call you. No disrespect.

Huey:
No disrespect? You just called your grandfather "B*tches"!

Riley:
Yeah, but I don't mean b*tches in a disrespectful way. I mean it as a general word for women.

Huey:
And you're gonna let him get away with that?

Granddad:
It's OK. Just this once.

Riley:
Granddad, I'm just sayin' you might have to change your middle name from Jebediah to B*tches. Is all I'm tryin' to say. No disrespect.

Granddad:
Hmm, Granddad "B*tches" Freeman. Hoo! Gotta nice ring to it.

Huey:
There ain't no such thing as a tooth fairy.

Jazmine Dubois:
Then who leaves the money?

Huey:
Probably your parents. They have both the cash and the access to your room.

Jazmine Dubois:
Why would they lie to me?

Huey:
Because the truth hurts, Jazmine. The world is a hard and lonely place and nobody gets anything for free. And you want to know what else? One day, you and everyone you know is gonna die.

[Jazmine cries and runs away]

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
So you're saying that the car stops, but the rims keep spinning? That's amazing!

The White Shadow:
That brother of yours is hoot. And your granddad? Ha, ha. Those two need their own sitcom.

Jazmine Dubois:
You can believe in secret agents but I can't believe in the tooth fairy? That's messed up, Huey!

Huey:
Go... eat something out of a dumpster, you street urchin!

Huey:
Obi-Wan Kenobi once said: "Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them." Seems to be getting harder distinguishing reality from the illusions that people make for us OR from the ones that we make for ourselves... I don't know, maybe that's part of the plan. To make me think I'm crazy. [sees the white shadow and then he disappears]... It's working.

Interviewer:
OK, so tell us a little bit about yourself.

Huey:
I'm the founder of 23 different radical leftist organizations including the Africans Fighting Racism and Oppression or AFRO, if you will, uh, the Black Revolutionary Organization or BRO, uh... and also the Black Revolutionary Underground Heroes...

Interviewer:
Um, BRUH?

Huey:
Yeah, BRUH.

The White Shadow:
Just because you're paranoid... doesn't mean we aren't out to get you.

Huey:
I've come up with a name for you... The White Shadow.

The White Shadow:
I'm white. I'm shadowing you. Yes, that's brilliant.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
It was love at first sight. He was tall, he was handsome, his trapezius muscles rippled through his shirt.

Riley Freeman:
Alright, Granddad, damn, you're making me uncomfortable.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Catcher Freeman was a sexy man!

Huey Freeman:
[checking the internet to find the truth about Catcher Freeman] Excuse me, everyone. I think we can resolve this quickly. Catcher Tobias Lynchwater, better known as Catcher Freeman, was a house slave on Colonel Lynchwater's plantation. He was also Colonel Lynchwater's son, although the Colonel never claimed him.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Wait, what? Master's son? Uh uh. No, no, no, that can't be!

Huey Freeman:
He is believed to have written the first screenplay in secret, several years before the invention of the motion picture industry.

Uncle Ruckus:
What website is that? MadeUpMonkeyShit.com?

Gangstalicious:
I'm scared!

Riley:
What happened to "I fear no man but God"?

Gangstalicious:
Correction - God, and the nigga that shot me!

Riley:
Where's your gun?

Gangstalicious:
I dropped the gun.

Riley:
You dropped the gun?!

Gangstalicious:
What's done is done. Let's be solution-oriented.

Riley:
How you gonna drop the gun, Gangstalicious? That is not gangsta! That is very un-gangsta!

Riley:
Gangstalicious got shot.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Again?

Riley:
We got to do somethin'!

Huey:
I got an idea - why don't we go to college so we don't end up like Gangstalicious?

Sway:
What's up, world? I'm Sway, and this is my inexplicable head wrap.

Riley:
[out of breath from running to Gangstalicious' room] Niggas...

[huffs]... comin'.

Riley:
Ahhh! A full day's supply of Vitamin C.

Sway:
[on TV] We now return to "Gangstalicious: Resurrection".

Huey:
Resurrection? That nigga ain't dead.

Riley:
Shhh! He been shot a buncha times, aight? At least he tryin'!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Boy, are you stupid?

Riley:
Mmm, I don't *think* so.

Riley:
'Scuse me, I'm lookin' for Gangstalicious.

Nurse:
And who are you?

Riley:
I'm one of his many illegitimate children.

Nurse:
...Fifth floor.

Riley:
You *dropped* the *gun*?

Gangstalicious:
What's done is done. Let's be solution-oriented!

Gangstalicious:
I don't want to do this any more. I'm tired of getting' shot. Hellllp!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
I don't see what the big deal is with this... what is it "Bubblelicious"

Huey:
It's Gangstalicious. Dumb niggas love Gangstalicious the way fat women love Oprah.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
And just WHAT is thuggin' love? Is that when you make love to a woman... and just before that special moment you beat her in the head, snatch her purse, and throw her down the stairs?

Lincoln:
[Lincoln and his thugs pull their guns on Ruckus] Where's Gangstalicious?

Uncle Ruckus:
Say that again? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me shittin' myself.

Riley:
How you gonna drop the gun, Gangtalicious?!? That is not gangsta! That's *very* not gangsta!!! Man, I can't believe this! You a fraud!!!

Gangstalicious:
Oh, oh, oh, I'm a fraud? You're scared too.

Riley:
I'm *eight*!

Gangstalicious:
Okay, fine, fine, whatever. I'm a fraud, I'm a fraud, I'm just an average, normal dude. I don't wanna do this stupid sh*t no more! I'm tired of gettin' shot. Help!

Riley:
It's like going to heaven and finding God smoking crack.

Riley Freeman:
[watching Thugnificent's arrival in the neighborhood] Man, I wanna go over there, but I don't wanna dick-ride, you know. Would that be dick-riding, you think? To go over there?... Alright, what if I just go over there and give him a pounding, and be like, 'What up, Thugnificent,' like not really on his sack or nothin'. Yeah.

Huey:
What the hell is wrong with you people? Every famous nigga that gets arrested is not Nelson Mandela! Yes, the government conspires to put a lot of innocent black men in jail on fallacious charges. But R. Kelly is *not* one of those men! We all *know* the nigga can sing, but what happened to standards? What happened to bare minimums? Are you a fan of R. Kelly? You wanna help R. Kelly? Get some counseling for R. Kelly! Introduce him to some older women! Hide his camcorder! But don't pretend that the man is a hero!... And stop the damn dancing! Act like you've got some goddamn sense, people! Damn! I'm through playing around here!

Tom Dubois:
Now, young lady, I know this can be hard to talk about.

The Underaged Girl:
Naw, it's cool.

Tom Dubois:
How old were you when you were "seeing" Mr. Kelly.

The Underaged Girl:
Um, 14 and a quarter.

Tom Dubois:
Wow, thats a great age, isn't it? Still learning so much about the world.

The Underaged Girl:
Whatever, I guess.

Tom Dubois:
Can you describe the events leading up to the shooting of the video?

The Underaged Girl:
Yeah, he asked if he could pee on me, and I said fo sho. I mean, it's R Kelly, the pied piper of R&B. I've been peed on by guys who don't even have record deals. Sh*t, if I didn't wanna get peed on, I would have moved out the way!

Uncle Ruckus:
Hang that n*gger now! I even got my own rope right here.

Riley:
If I were to piss on you right now would you A, smile and ask for more; or B, get the hell out of the way?

Tom Dubois:
[about the R. Kelly sex tape] Riley, she was a little girl.

Riley:
Oh, I saw that girl. She wasn't little. I'm little. Gary Coleman's little. Mini-Me is little. And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far!

Tom Dubois:
But what about the victim!

Riley:
Oh yes! The victim. At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation? I see piss comin' I run. She saw piss comin' she stayed. And why should I miss out on the next R. Kelly album *just* fo' that?

[walks away]

Huey:
Man, you just beat by an eight-year old.

Riley:
[from afar] And if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'ma piss on yo' cat!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Didn't Jerry Lee Lewis marry a thirteen-year-old baby?

Uncle Ruckus:
You can't compare a chocolate monkey like R. Kelly to Jerry Lee Lewis! He was the king of rock n' roll. Great balls of fire!

Uncle Ruckus:
[Depressed over his test results revealing he has African blood] Well I'm black now, the very foist thing I did was quit all my jobs, I'm probably going to have to start selling crack, or rapping, or rapping about selling crack.

Riley Freeman:
[laughs at Tom] Usher? That dick is *my* age!

Tom Dubois:
So, you guys don't think I'm overreacting?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
I don't think so. You a big-time lawyer, and Sarah's acting all crazy over an usher?

Huey Freeman:
Not *an* usher. Usher, he's a singer.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Ushers ain't supposed to sing. You can't hear the movie!

Tom Dubois:
And so, sweetie, that's why Daddy is staying over at the Freeman's house. So Mommy can have her space.

Jazmine Dubois:
So you're not getting a divorce?

Tom Dubois:
Oh, no, sweetie.

Jazmine Dubois:
So, Usher *won't* be my new daddy?

Tom Dubois:
What? No, that's ridiculous!

Jazmine Dubois:
Oh, are you sure? Maybe just for a *little* while? I mean, you like it here, don't you, Daddy? This is, uh, a pretty good sized room.

Tom Dubois:
Uh, what's going on, guys?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Mr. Dubois, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback, sir, and this is an intervention.

Tom Dubois:
An intervention?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from Chronic B*tch Dependency, Mr. Dubois. May I call you Tom?

Tom Dubois:
Is this some kind of joke?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Tom, B*tch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a b*tch can f*** with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It's a disease, Tom.

Tom Dubois:
What was your name again?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Well, thank you for asking. My name is A Pimp Named Slickback.

Tom Dubois:
Wait, a pimp?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Named Slickback, yes. Please say the whole thing if you would? Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes, Tom, every time.

Tom Dubois:
Look, Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback...

A Pimp Named Slickback:
No need for the "Mr."

Tom Dubois:
I don't think I need any help from someone like you.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
And by "someone like me," you mean a pimp? A bad guy?

Tom Dubois:
Now, look, I'm not trying to insult you. I just don't approve of what you people do to women.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Oh, so I'm wrong, so I'm messed up. Well, which one of us is missing a b*tch, Tom? You don't see *me* running around looking for a b*tch. I know where all my b*tches are, thank you very much.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Now look at you, bitchless. Sans b*tch, as the French in France would say.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Did you know that at least 75% of b*tches suffer from some kind of hearing loss? This alarming statistic means that, more likely than not, talking is not the most effective way to communicate with a b*tch. That's when you have to hit her.

Tom Dubois:
Whoa, what?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
You tell her what you want her to do. If she say no, hit the b*tch! Simple.

Tom Dubois:
But I couldn't hit Sarah. I couldn't hit *any* woman.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Has *not* hitting the b*tch been working? I mean, scientifically speaking, has not hitting the b*tch achieved the desired result?

Tom Dubois:
No way! I just, I can't, I couldn't, I won't!

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Tom, take a deep breath. It's okay, people have phobias. Some niggas can't cross bridges, you can't go upside a b*tch's head. Okay, we can beat this.

A Pimp Named Slickback:
This is my state-of-the-art surveillance center.

Tom Dubois:
Why does a pimp need a surveillance center?

A Pimp Named Slickback:
Included in your retainer fee is state-of-the-art b*tch surveillance. Quiet Storm, here, has been monitoring your wife's conversations and emails.

Quiet Storm:
Daddy, I've got transcripts of all the conversations today. No mention of Usher. I'm hacking into her email now, but this computer is running a bit slow. Perhaps if we didn't have dial-up...

A Pimp Named Slickback:
[Slaps Quiet Storm with a magazine] B*tch, don't start with that "we need another computer" sh*t again! You say that sh*t every time a new iMac comes out. You ain't Slick, you better make that G4 work, b*tch, and stop playin' with me!

Quiet Storm:
Yes, daddy.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
Huey, say something deep.

Huey Freeman:
Huh?

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman:
I ain't got all day, boy. Be deep.

Huey Freeman:
[sighs] "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility." - Khalil Gibran

Dewey:
Didn't rhyme.

Mo Gunz Jackson:
Well, I got somethin' here to give you, that's very near and dear to me, playa pimp.

[Granddad opens the suitcase; there is a jar of nuts]

Mo Gunz Jackson:
DEEZ NUTS, NIGGA! Hahahahaha! Gotcha, nigga! From beyond the grave! You'll never be able to get me back, nigga! Hahahaha...

Riley Freeman:
[after Dewey's poem] BOOOO! Ay, Erykah Ba-Dewey! That was real gay, my nigga! Cut that out!

Cairo:
Shut up Riley!

Huey Freeman:
What's wrong with you, Cairo? That nigga's corny!

Cairo:
Corny? Nigga, you're corny! At least he's here! Why don't you go follow yo punk ass grandaddy back to Whitesville, fake nigga!

[Huey punches Cairo and they fight; Riley glares at Dewey and Dewey runs away]

Riley Freeman:
Don't run nigga, I see you!

Huey Freeman:
Being the bigger man is overrated.

Mo Gunz Jackson:
You think you bad? You think you gonna get some b*tches out for that? Think you gonna get some air plane p*ssy?

Thugnificent:
Now Riley, I want you to know even though we're doing it real grand, if this rap sh*t don't work, we runnin' up in nigga's houses!

Riley:
You said somethin' gay, so you gotta say "no homo" or else you a homo