The Office

Gareth:
Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There's strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?

Chris Finch:
So I get there, she's aged 19, Ferrari chassis, fantastic set of shelves and legs up to her arse. Muchos tequilas later I'm in a cab with her.

Gareth:
My dad, for example, he's not as cosmopolitan or as educated as me and it can be embarrasing you know. He doesn't understand all the new trendy words - like he'll say "poofs" instead of "gays", "birds" instead of "women", "darkies" instead of "coloureds".

David Brent:
Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous! No - purely social. I know someone who is an alchoholic and it is no laughing matter - particularly for his wife. And she's got alopecia. So... not a happy homelife.

David Brent:
I don't live by "The Rules" you know, and if there's one person who has influenced me in that way of thinking, someone who is a maverick, someone who does 'that' to the system then it's Ian Botham.

David Brent:
Some people are intimidated when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way. Not me.

Tim:
No I don't talk about my love life for a very good reason, and that reason is I don't have one. Which is very good news for the ladies-I am still available. I'm a heck of a catch, cos, er well look at it. I live in Slough, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I've had since yep, since I was born. That's seen a lot of action I tell you. Mainly dusting. I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I'm a quitter. So, er, form an orderly queue ladies.

David Brent:
A philosopher once wrote you need three things to have a good life. One, a meaningful relationship, two, a decent job of work, and three, to make a difference. And it was always that third one that stressed me, to make a difference. And I realise that I do. Every day, we all do. It's how we interact, with our fellow man.

Peter:
How would you like to be remembered?

David Brent:
Simply, as, the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.

Gareth:
I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.

Gareth:
You're so immature.

Tim:
[Making a phone call] Oh Gareth, If there is one thing that I am not, it is immature.

Gareth:
You are an immature little tosser.

[Gareth's Mobile rings he answers it]

Gareth:
Gareth Keenan.

Tim:
[Childishly into his phone] Cock.

[Gareth slams his mobile down]

Gareth:
All right then Einstein if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?

Tim:
You're thinking how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?

Gareth:
No.

Tim:
You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle can I survive by eating my own shoes?

Gareth:
No and no you can't.

Tim:
What are you thinking Gareth?

Gareth:
"I was thinking will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster then a shark?

Gareth:
That's one reason why gays shouldn't be allowed into the army. Because if we're in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy, or is he going to be looking at me and going "Ooh. He looks tasty in his uniform". And I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You'll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.

David Brent:
I gave a speech only this morning to my staff assuring them that there would not be cutbacks at this branch and there certainly wouldn't be redundancies, so...

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
Well, why on Earth would you do that?

David Brent:
Why? Oh, don't know. A little word I think's important in management called morale.

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
Well, surely it's going to be worse for morale in the long run when there ARE redundancies and you've told people that there won't be.

[pause]

David Brent:
They won't remember.

[Gareth's phone rings. He puts it on Speaker]

Gareth:
Gareth Keenan. Hello.

Ange:
Hi baby. It's Ange.

[Tim, Dawn and Rachel all look up, alarmed to hear a woman's voice]

Gareth:
[embarrassed] All right.

Ange:
Are you coming round tonight?

Gareth:
I can't I'm going up Chasers with the lads.

Ange:
Oh come round first. We'll have a bit of time together.

Gareth:
All right.

Ange:
Have some fun.

Gareth:
Yep. Okay.

Ange:
Are you going to bring the toys again?

[Gareth embarrased, hurriedly picks the phone up]

Gareth:
Erm, Yeah... okay... yeah... look forward to... doing it to you too. All right, bye.

[Gareth puts the phone down. There is a stunned silence]

Tim:
The Toys?

Gareth:
Shut up.

Tim:
What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo? It's not Boggle is it?

Gareth:
Shut up.

Tim:
If it's Kerplunk I'm coming round.

Gareth:
It was a private phone call, so...

Tim:
Well, don't put it on speakerphone then Gareth.

[turns round to talk to Rachel]

Tim:
Yeah the Jolly Farmer sounds good...

[turns back to Gareth]

Tim:
Is it Hungry Hippos?

David Brent:
People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: "you're not fooling anyone", they know I'm rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That's the way- not orthodox, I don't live by "the rules" you know. And if there's one other person who's influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it's Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say "that's what I think of your selection policy, yes I've hit the odd copper, yes I've enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics."

David Brent:
I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going 'Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?' No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me. My world does not end within these four walls, Slough's a big place. And when I've finished with Slough, there's Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know I've got to-Didcott, Yately. You know. My-Winersh, Taplow. Because I am my own boss, I can-Burfield. I can wake up one morning and go 'Ooh, I don't feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?' 'Ooh, don't know, better ask the boss.' 'David can I stay in bed all day?' 'Yes you can David.' Both me, that's not me in bed with another bloke called David.

Gareth:
Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. I don't want you to think of me as your boss...

Donna:
Well, you're not.

Gareth:
Well, I'm higher up than you, so I am. What I'm saying is, don't think of me as a boss, but know that I am.

Donna:
I don't think you are.

Gareth:
[getting really defensive] Well, I'm team leader, so I am. I'm higher up than you.

David Brent:
Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty... satisfaction. That's what I'm... you know. Trust people and they'll be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.

Dawn:
A real relationship isn't like a fairy tale, if you think that for the next forty years, every time you see each other you're going to glow, or, every time you hold hands there's going to be electricity, then, you're kidding yourself really. What about reliability, or er, someone paying the mortgage, or someone who's never been out of work. Those are the more important, practical things, you know. In reality.

David Brent:
They're malleable, and you know that's what I like really, you know. I don't like people who come here: 'Ooh, we did it this way, we did it that way'. I just wanna go do it this way. If you like. If you don't... Team playing-I call it team individuality, it's a new, it's like a management style. Again guilty, unorthodox, sue me.

David Brent:
The reason I put "If it's in you, I'll find it" is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it's definitely not in you, I don't wanna be sued 'cos you haven't got it, so, you know, not gonna get me on that.

Tim:
It's like an alarm clock's gone off, and I've just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who said: "Life is what happens when you're making other plans.", and that's how I feel. Although he also said: "I am the Walrus I am the eggman" so I don't know what to believe.

David Brent:
There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there's nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go 'ooh, look at him, he's not able-bodied. I am, I'm prejudiced.' Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he's not, it's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.

Gareth:
We go there every Wednesday night, and it's a fun place, but it's full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it's irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You've been under attack for days, there's a soldier down, he's wounded, gangrene's setting in, 'who's used all the penicillin?' 'Oh, Mark Paxon sir, he's got knobrot off some tart'

David Brent:
When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive.

David Brent:
Don't assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".

David Brent:
Let's agree to disagree.

Neil Godwin:
No. Let's agree that you agree with me.

David Brent:
Is this why you're around all the time? Keeping tabs on me? I don't need a babysitter, you know, so...

Neil Godwin:
Well, with respect David, I think you do.

Neil Godwin:
I don't let anyone talk to me the way you just did - not my staff, not my boss, no one - certainly not you.

Gareth:
Yes, I've had office romances. Not here. At another place I worked at. Good-looking ones, as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like shitting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here, but I go 'no way, distracting'. And that's actually one of the major arguments against letting gay men into the army. And I haven't got a problem with that, right. A gay man's not gonna put me off, I can look after myself. But if you're in battle is he gonna be looking at the enemy or at me, going "Ooh... he looks tasty in his uniform"

Gareth:
I'm not homophobic, all right? Come around, look at my C.D collection. You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.

David Brent:
How old would you say I was, if you didn't know me?

Employee:
Forty?

David Brent:
No, how old do you think I look?

Employee:
Ummm... thirty-nine?

David Brent:
Most people think I look about thirty.

Employee:
Definitely not.

David Brent:
Oh, are you calling them liars? How old do YOU think I look?

Oliver:
Between thirty and forty?

David Brent:
Yes. More honest.

Gareth:
If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me. I've got about five different sets. Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks, though, 'cos you won't. My speciality.

Rachel:
Yeah, it's a game of chance though, isn't it? It's what you...

Gareth:
No, it's not. I would know what cards you've got immediately just through what cards I've got. I used to play it by myself, with a dummy hand just testing out every different scenario of which cards would beat which other cards for hours, sometimes three or four at a time. But put in the work, the rewards are obvious. So I'd know exactly what card you've got in your hand from what cards I've got and I would know, probability wise, exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat, statistically, any card that you could have in your hand at that precise moment. You will never win.

[pause]

Gareth:
Could still be fun, though.

Dawn:
I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected. My old school recently had a reunion, which I didn't go to, but one girl in my class it turns out, right, she is now running her own Internet auction website, making a fortune, and is happily married to a marine biologist. She used to eat chalk.

Tim:
The people you work with are people you were just thrown together with. I mean, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than you do your friends or your family. But probably all you have in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day.

Tim:
If you look at life like rolling a dice, then my situation now, as it stands - yeah, it may only be a 3. If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better, yeah, I could easily roll a six - no problem, I could roll a 6... I could also roll a 1. OK? So, I think sometimes... Just leave the dice alone.

David Brent:
You just have to accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

[repeated line]

David Brent:
So that's...

Neil Godwin:
You're acting like a petulant little kid.

David Brent:
[shrugs] Young at heart.

David Brent:
[Tim Canterbury is sitting down in David Brent's office to receive his appraisal] Tim Canterbury. The Canterbury Tales. By Chaucer. And Shakespeare.

David Brent:
Today I'm doing the staff appraisals, and some people get a little bit nervous about that 'cos they think they're walking the long mile to put their head on the block. But they're wrong, it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong. It's very much an opportunity...

Gareth:
...to separate the wheat from the chaff.

David Brent:
Well, no, that sounds bad. It's not a witch-hunt, we're not trying to find out who the worst people are.

Gareth:
Well, we know who they are already.

David Brent:
Well, no.

Gareth:
I've written them down on my form.

David Brent:
You shouldn't have written them on your form.

Gareth:
I've underlined the worst ones.

David Brent:
You're missing the point.

[looks at Gareth's form]

David Brent:
Yep.

Gareth:
[to Rachel] One more moment. If you do go all the way with Tim, and you expect me to go in there afterwards, make sure he wears a condom. Alright, sort of a rule.

[Brent is reading Dawn his poem, Excalibur]

David Brent:
I froze your tears, and made a dagger / and stabbed it in my cock, forever / it stays there like Excalibur / Are you my Arthur? Say you are.

Dawn:
Good...

David Brent:
Take this cool dark steeled blade / steal it, sheathe it in your lake / I'd drown with you to be together / Must you breath? 'Cause I need heaven.

Dawn:
Ahhhh... it's powerful.

David Brent:
Very. And double meanings - did you get the double meanings?

Dawn:
I did.

David Brent:
Who says famine has to be depressing?

David Brent:
Neil makes me laugh though, because, you know, it's his interfering, it's his timing. Going on about he wants some report doing-it's red nose day, you know. Ooh, what's more important, you Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Ooh I don't know. Ooh what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know-imagine him going out of the door on comic relief day and Dawn French is going 'Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out.' 'Do it yourself I've gotta save some Africans.'

David Brent:
I've sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer sh*t.

David Brent:
What's the weather like up there?

Nathan 'Oggy:
Oh I've heard that before.

David Brent:
They must have put you in a grow bag when you were little did they?

Nathan 'Oggy:
That's an old one.

David Brent:
Let's grow ourselves a big lanky goggle-eyed freak of a son.

Nathan 'Oggy:
All right calm down mate, there's no need to get offensive.

David Brent:
No no, I was joining in...

Nathan 'Oggy:
I didn't call you fatty as soon as I saw you.

David Brent:
No I was joining in with...

Nathan 'Oggy:
Just don't have a go at the eyes, cos that is a stigmatism I've had from the age of five, so that's what make them a bit bulbous, so don't just... I didn't call you the whale-man or like blubber-man.

[after David Brent's horrifying Comic Relief dance]

Gareth:
We don't have to give a donation for that, do we?

[on Comic Relief Day]

David Brent:
I've got the Slough Gazette coming to take a photo.

Gareth:
What time are they coming down?

David Brent:
About five-ish, so...

Gareth:
They'll love us, won't they?

David Brent:
No, I think it's just me, I've got something planned.

Gareth:
But we can all be in it, though?

David Brent:
No, not really, I called them, so...

Gareth:
But they'll love us, all being stupid.

David Brent:
Stop trying to worm your way into someone else's photo!

David Brent:
[to Gareth] Stop trying to worm in on someone else's photo!

[on Comic Relief]

Tim:
Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against this sort of thing. It's a good cause, but I just don't want to have to join in with someone else's idea of wackiness, okay? It's the wackiness I can't stand. It's like, you see someone outside Asda collecting for cancer research because they've been personally affected by it, or whatever, I dunno, an old bloke selling poppies, there's a dignity about that. A real quiet dignity.

[in the background, a gang including Brent and Gareth wrestle a colleague to the ground and expose his genitals to the camera]

Tim:
And that's what today's about, isn't it? Dignity. Always dignity.

David Brent:
You've seen me entertain, and raise money, but maybe I'd like to do that in the future for a living you know. Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know. And if it's ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I'm your man. I'm already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I'd like to do that on a global scale really. And that's not going 'Ooh, look at me today, I'm entertaining whilst saving lives aren't I brilliant?', it's going 'If you think I'm brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant'-not as entertainers, a lot of them can't even speak English, but you know don't give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least. And then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television or whatever they have, the wireless or I don't know, give them a job on the world service or something.

Gareth:
I'm just saying there should be tests

Tim:
We're all ears Gareth

Gareth:
Well I don't know, when they go down the DSS to make a claim then they should set off a fire alarm fake fire alarm, everybody legs it out the office leaving them there. If they're fake they'll be up and running with them, if they're real they'll be left there screaming for help.

[Rachel sits on Tim's desk]

Gareth:
Excuse me. Desk procedures. Chairs are for sitting on.

Rachel:
I think he's a bit jealous he's not getting the view you're getting.

Gareth:
Wrong: I've got the arse this side so I'd only wanna be sitting where he's sitting if you were wearing a skirt so I could look up... at it.

Gareth:
I did learn a lot from David. I learnt from his mistakes. We're very different people; he used humour where I use discipline. And I learnt that nobody respects him. And in a war situation, if you want your platoon to go over the top with you to certain death, it's no good saying to them 'Please come with me lads, I'll tell you a joke.' It's a direct order 'Come with me.' And they'll go 'Yes, he's got good leadership skills, let's all go with him to our certain death'. Also, if you're laughing in the jungle, you can give away your position to the enemy.

[Brent is drunk in his motel room]

David Brent:
But, you know, Neil will make one too many mistakes. Head Office will see what I already knew, and they go in there, they will march in there. They go, Right, yeah, David was right. You've pissed off him and you've pissed off him. You're not the manager you thought you were. Okay. So get out, we made the mistake. Then they drag him out by his hair and that's when the begging starts. They'll come to me and say, Ooh, David you were right all along, you were the right man for this job, you're the best man for this job. Will you come back? I'll be like, yeah sure how much money have you got? Because this is going to cost you, this is going to cost you.

[Dawn is coming back from America for the office Christmas party]

Tim:
Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing her again, of course. She's my friend, and she's a good friend, and no, I don't know exactly how I'll feel. I'll feel like a friend feels, whatever that is, you know, but as I said, I'm not going to ask her again! Come on!

[pauses, grins]

Tim:
I might ask her again. No, I won't, I won't. She would have to do the asking.

Gareth Keenan:
[Dawn has just returned to the party after opening her gift from Tim, a set of oil paints. She realizes that she and Tim belong together, walks up to him, and kisses him] Careful, she's got a fianc?.

Dawn Tinsley:
[turns to Gareth] I haven't. Not anymore.

[Tim and Dawn kiss again]

Tim Canterbury:
The people you work with are people you were just throw together with. You know, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice, and yet you spend more time with them then you do your friends or your family. But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk around on the same bit of carpet for 8 hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you... you have a connection with... yeah. And Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life and it meant a lot. But, if I'm really being honest I never really thought it would have a happy ending. I don't know what a happy ending is. Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments. And umm... it's not if, you know, if you turn the camera off it's not an ending, is it. I'm still here, my life's not over. Come back, come back here in 10 years, see how I'm doing then. Cause I could be married with kids, you don't know. Life just goes on.

Keith:
Men get turned on by what they see, women get turned on by what they hear

[Brent is waiting for his Blind Date to show up]

David Brent:
I don't know what to expect, to be honest. I haven't been impressed so far. Erm, I hope their vetting them, because the computer seems to be throwing up any old rubbish. It's like they haven't put me in the right category or something because, you know. Oh f***. I don't believe it, look at his.

[the camera turns to reveal a fat woman walking towards David]

Woman:
Hello.

David Brent:
Hiya.

Woman:
All right?

David Brent:
Yeah.

Woman:
Is Monkey in there?

David Brent:
[can't hide his surprise and relief] Oh yeah.

Woman:
You all right?

David Brent:
Yeah, I was expecting a blind date, and was worried you were it.

Neil Godwin:
No dog with you today David?

Chris Finch:
Didn't you see her? She just left.

[Neil and Chris start laughing at David]

David Brent:
Chris, why don't you f*** off?

[Neil and Chris are left in stunned silence]

Interviewer:
How would you like to be remembered?

David Brent:
Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of everyone he met.

Neil Godwin:
No dogs with you, David?

Chris Finch:
Didn't you see her? She just left!

David Brent:
Chris, why don't you f*** off?

David Brent:
Professionalism is... and that is what I want.

[Tim builds a wall of boxes between his and Gareth's desk]

Tim:
I don't like acting like a kid, do you know what I mean? But he's a bit...

Gareth:
What are you doing?

Tim:
I don't actually want to have to look at you, Gareth.

Gareth:
You can't do that.

Tim:
Why not?

Gareth:
Health and Safety.

Tim:
Health and Safety. Erm, why? Crushed by Cardboard, or what?

Gareth:
No, number one: blocking out light. Number two: misuse of company files.

Tim:
Misuse of files? Yeah, see this is why the whole redundancy thing doesn't bother me. If I have to work with him another day, right, I'm just going to, I will... I will slit my throat.

[Mimes a throat slitting action]

Gareth:
Yeah, you won't do it like that, though. You'd get the knife in behind the windpipe, then pull it down like that.

[Tim as a joke has put Gareth's stapler in a jelly]

Gareth:
Tim's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time.

David Brent:
Why has he done that?

Gareth:
I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.

David Brent:
Yeah. You showed him a weakness - he pounced. You should know about that... What is in there?

Gareth:
It's my stapler.

[Gareth plunges his hand in to fish out the stapler]

David Brent:
Well, don't do that... eat it out. There's people starving in the world, which I hate... and it's a waste so... How do you know it's yours?

Gareth:
It's got my name on it in Tipp-Ex.

David Brent:
Okay, don't eat it now then... chemicals.

David Brent:
If a good man comes to me, and says thank you David, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I've done that, I wanna better myself, I wanna move on, then I can make that dream come true, to, AKA, for you.

David Brent:
This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of 'em. Especially that one, he's mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. Last place you'd want someone like that is in accounts...

David Brent:
This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can't do it, go on, do it

Sanj:
I don't, must be someone else

David Brent:
Oh, sorry, it's the other one...

Sanj:
The other what... Paki?

David Brent:
Ah, that's racist.

David Brent:
I'm going to have to let you go first.

Dawn:
What? Why?

David Brent:
Why? Stealing. Thieving.

Dawn:
Thieving? What am I meant to have stolen?

David Brent:
Post-It notes.

Gareth:
Just the eight pints for me last night, then. Oh, no! "Team leader and boss in drunken night out." Shock! horror! Going out with Oggy tomorrow night, then. That'll be be a quiet night in at the library... not!

David Brent:
What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went 'Mr Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?' Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish.

David Brent:
I haven't got a sign on the door that says 'white people only'. I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow - Orientals make very good workers.

Gareth:
I'm assistant regional manager.

David Brent:
Assistant to the regional manager.

[Tim snatches Gareth's stapler and holds it out the window]

Tim:
You stay where you are okay? I'm gonna let go, right, unless you stop acting like a fool.

Gareth:
Well, you won't, so...

Tim:
Well, I have, so...

[Time drops the Stapler out the window]

Gareth:
What if that kills someone?

Tim:
Kills somebody? Umm, well, they'll think you're the murderer. It's got your name on it.

Gareth:
Why would a murderer put his name on the murder weapon?

Tim:
To stop people borrowing it?

Gareth:
David.

Tim:
I hate the fact that you bring me down to this; really I do, I resent it.

Gareth:
I'm not worried for me, I'll be all right, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that's just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn't survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can't see over the top, he's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don't get me wrong, Anton's a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?

Helena:
Private life then, just to flesh out David Brent the man. Is there a better half?

David Brent:
David quipped: why buy a book when you can join the library?

Helena:
So you play the field?

David Brent:
Well... I don't like using chicks and sh*t, but I'm just chilling out while I'm young I suppose.

Helena:
And is there a chick in tow at the moment?

David Brent:
Ooh, I don't kiss and tell.

Helena:
I'm just trying to find out if you're in a relationship at the moment.

David Brent:
Brent says: no comment.

Helena:
Right, so you don't have a girlfriend?

David Brent:
Well, what is a "girlfriend"?

Helena:
I don't know, someone you'd have sex with?

David Brent:
All right don't get coarse, in a magazine for the public. I don't think you'll win a Pulitzer, for filth.

Tim Canterbury:
Sheila, what do you look for in a bloke?

Sheila:
[uncomfortably long pause] I like blacks.

Gareth Keenan:
[Rachel has just told him to f*** off] Potty mouth.

David Brent:
'If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain'. Do you know which philosopher [makes quotation marks with fingers] said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

David Brent:
If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain - do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.

Tim:
[voiceover] The people you work with are just people you were thrown together with. Y'know, you don't know them, it wasn't your choice. And yet you spend more time with them thanyou do your friends or your family.

[Now on screen, talking to interview camera]

Tim:
But probably all you've got in common is the fact that you walk round on the same bit of carpet for eight hours a day. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with - yeah, and Dawn was a ray of sunshine in my life - it can mean a lot. But if I'm really being honest, I never really thought it would have a happy ending. I don't know what a happy ending is. Life isn't about endings, is it? It's a series of moments. And um, if you turn the camera off, it's not an ending is it? I'm still here. My life is not over. Come back here in ten years. See how I'm doing then. 'Cause I could be married with children, you don't know. Life just goes on.

Dawn:
Tim's advice is that it is better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb then half way up one you don't.

David Brent:
Well, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I've been promoted, so... every cloud. You're still thinking about the bad news aren't you?

Keith:
It's the end of the financial year and spirits are in the sky.

[there is a possibility that the Slough offices will be downsized with redundancies]

Gareth:
You're all smug now. You're moving away. But think of me, the shoe could be on the other foot.

Tim:
You're going to be all right, aren't you?

Gareth:
Yeah, I work hard, I earn my keep. But unfortunately, the history books are full of just people who toil and fight for worthy causes and the freedom of others.

Tim:
That's the most profound thing you've ever said, mate.

Gareth:
And you do that and foreigners or the women or the disabled take advantage of it.

Tim:
Yeah. Could I withdraw my last comment?

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
I know that you're very loyal to your family here.

David Brent:
I'd be loyal to his family, it's one big family.

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
I'm just sensitive to the fact that you have strong, let's say emotional ties to your team.

David Brent:
Well, yeah, but there is the emotion as good in business syndrome, sure, notwithstanding the cruel to be kind scenarios...

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
I'm sorry David, you've lost me.

David Brent:
Well, you're not looking at the whole pie Jenny. Wernham-Hogg is one big pie, and if they've let me in charge of that one big pie, then I'll be in charge of the pie, and the people are the fruit...

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
I don't have time for the pie thing David.

David Brent:
Yeah, oh, well I'll take the job please.

[in a meeting, discussing the board voting 5-2 in favour of Brent taking Taylor-Clark's job]

David Brent:
What's five out of seven as a percentage?

[Brent checks calculator]

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
Er... 70%.

David Brent:
71.4. So...

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
Call Susan and arrange the meet with the board and finalise all the details. Congratulations and good luck.

David Brent:
You don't need luck when you've got 71.4% of the population behind you.

David Brent:
You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you're dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is 'Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?' That's where I come in. You've seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything's possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don't do it so they turn round and go 'Thankyou David for the opportunity, thankyou for the wisdom, thankyou for the laughs.' I do it so, one day, someone will go 'There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.'

David Brent:
Big day today, Swindon mob are arriving. I've laid on a little do for them, part of the job. If you're asking me what vibe I'm gonna lay down it's gonna be very much just a 'chill out, let's get to know each other' type of vibe.

David Brent:
Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, all right? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant-fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.

Tim:
Team Leader don't mean anything mate.

Gareth:
Excuse me, it means I'm leader of a team.

Tim:
No it doesn't. It's a title someone's given you to get you to do something they don't want to do for free - it's like making the div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it.

Gareth:
I think they do.

Tim:
No they don't Gareth.

Gareth:
Erm yes they do, cos if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last... so it was warm.

Trudy:
But why is it that only black people should be offended by racism?

David Brent:
Good point... First sensible thing you've said all day.

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
So you're saying is that black people ought to be flattered that their only achievement in this world is having oversized genitalia?

David Brent:
I'm saying they shouldn't be a ashamed of them.

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
It's a myth.

Gareth:
I don't know, Jennifer I could show you a magazine where... literally... [holds up his hand indicating large size]

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
Could you?

Gareth:
Well, I haven't got it with me, but next time you're in...

David Brent:
If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton... [struggles for word] . I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.

Simon:
Yeah well I went down there the first day it opened right, and I did a couple of laps, I pulled over, the bloke that runs the thing comes over and said - Oi no professionals. I took my helmet off, I said I'm not a professional. He said - you're not a profesional? I said - No, he said - well you should be, if I was you I'd take up Formula One, and if you drive like that you'd probably be the best in the country! I said - I'm not interested I'm making sh*t loads out of computers.

Simon:
All right, well, I was bombing it round one time and someone left this ramp out. They all said, "If he hits that, he *is* dead". So I hit it and rolled over in the air a few times and they said, "Now he is *definitely* dead". Then I landed on my wheels and pulled over next to them and said, "What you worried about?"

Simon:
You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, infiltrating drugs gangs and the Triads.

Gareth:
Yeah, I reckon that's true.

Tim:
Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star. [Tim and Rachel snicker]

Simon:
Oh, gone off Dawn now, have you?

Gareth:
He's a weird little bloke! Look at his cartoon face and his hair, he looks like a Fisher Price man, and his rubbish clothes... it makes me think there's something wrong with you for a start but yet in my head I'd still do you so I'm confused.

[Gareth has just caught Tim and Rachel kissing]

Gareth:
How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me? I can't believe you'd get off with a girl that I fancy.

Tim:
Why can't you believe that, Gareth?

Gareth:
Well, I can't believe there's a bird that fancies you over me for a start. What are you... he's a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair. He looks like a Fisher Price man. And his rubbish clothes... it makes me think there's something wrong with you, and yet in my head I'd still do you, so I'm confused... all right, I'll ask you straight: is there anything that could happen between us while this is going on?

Rachel:
Like what?

Gareth:
What, specifically? Hand job? Look, don't answer now. Think about it.

David Brent:
You're all looking at me, you're going, "Well yeah, you're a success, you've achieved you're goals, you're reaping the rewards, sure. But, OI, Brent. Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?" Let me show you something I always keep with me. Just a little book, Collective Meditations, and it's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, native American wisdom, which I, and it's really showing you that, er, the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. It's about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality. And a foreword by Duncan Goodhew, so... Can I read one-which I think- "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each, his own, home again, rather than take a portion out of the common stock." It's saying, for the first time, you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, don't look over your neighbour's fence and go "ooh he's got a better car than me, ooh, he's got a more attractive wife." We all wake up and we go "oh, I ache, I'm not 18 any more, you know, I'm thirty ni- you know, I'm in my thirties, I'm not-", but so what, at least I've got my health. And if you haven't got your health-if you've got one leg, at least I haven't got two legs missing. And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go "at least I'm not dead. I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I'm not saying people like that should be... you know, put down. I'm saying that, in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because... I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing. So...

Dawn Tinsley:
My old school just recently had a school reunion, ehm, which I didn't go to. But, ehm, one girl in my class it turns out, right, that she's now running her own an internet auction website, making a fortune and is happily married to a marine biologist. [pause] She used to eat chalk.

David Brent:
Does a struggling salesman start turning up on a bicycle? No, he turns up in a newer car - perception, yeah? They got to trust me - I'm taking these guys into battle, yeah? And I'm doing my own stapling.

David Brent:
Me, lager. Finchy, Lager. Gareth, lager sometimes cider, so different drinks for different... needs.

Tim:
I don't know where we're going tonight. Obviously Finchy's a sophisticated guy, and Gareth's a culture vulture, so you know will it be opera, ballet? I don't know. I know the RSC's in town, so er... having said that at Chasers, it's Hooch for a pound and Wonderbras-get-in-free night tonight. So I don't know, I don't know who'll win, it's exciting. I'm staying out of it.

David Brent:
[to Karen] Don't worry, I haven't got any balls.

David Brent:
And don't call my second in command an ass-faced-weasel.

Donna:
A weasel faced ass.

David Brent:
Same thing.

Donna:
Well know it's not, would you rather have a face like an ass or a face like a weasel?

Gareth Keenan:
[thinks about it] A weasel probably.

[Discussing Donna's relationship with Ricky]

Gareth:
It's not as if she's your daughter or anything though...

David Brent:
No but that's not the point. It's the principle, it was about respect.

Gareth:
Showing a bit of respect...

David Brent:
And while she's under my roof, she will obey my laws, so...

Gareth:
Showing respect by obeying the law. She's legal, though.

David Brent:
What?

Gareth:
When cherries are red, they're ready for plucking. When girls are sixteen they're ready for...

David Brent:
"Gareth."

[Donna & Ricky's relationship has been exposed]

Donna:
So now you know.

David Brent:
Yep. Brilliant.

Donna:
What? You got a problem with Ricky?

David Brent:
No, no, sleep with everyone in the office. He's not even a permanent member of staff. I'd have preferred it if you'd slept with Gareth.

Donna:
It wouldn't happen.

David Brent:
Oh Why? 'Cos he didn't go to university?

Donna:
No, 'Cos he's a little weasel-faced arse.

David Brent:
Yeah, you could do worse then Gareth. He hasn't missed one day in this office due to ill health. And don't call my second-in-command an arse-faced weasel, please?

Donna:
A weasel-faced arse.

David Brent:
Same thing.

Donna:
Well no it's not. Gareth would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel?

Gareth:
A weasel probably.

Tim:
Slough's nightlife is incredible; it's got two nightclubs, it's got Chasers and New York, New York. They call it the nightclub that never sleeps. That closes at one. There was, oh my god, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eights. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bol-inn, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said mind your head, nice, and underneath someone had written 'And don't get your Hampton Court.' It's not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don't think about it.

David Brent:
This is the poem Slough, by Sir John Betjemen, probably never been here in his life. 'Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, it isn't fit for humans now.' Right, I don't think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place, he's embarrassed himself there. Next 'In labour saving homes with care, their wives frizz out peroxide hair, and dry it in synthetic air, and paint their nails-' they wanna look nice, what's the matter, doesn't he like girls? 'And talks of sports and makes of cars, and various bogus Tudor bars, and daren't look up and see the stars, but belch instead.' What's he on about? What, has he never burped? 'Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, to get it ready for the plough. The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales-' He's the only cabbage round here. And they made him a night of the realm. Overrated.

David Brent:
I prefer flan.

David Brent:
I'm thirties.

Trudy:
Yeah, but you've let yourself go a bit haven't you?

David Brent:
I've let myself go a bit?

Trudy:
Yeah.

David Brent:
Look at yourself, you're an embarrassment love, to be honest.

David Brent:
[David has just discovered a dildo hidden in his office while in a meeting with two business consultants] Excuse me, everybody. What am I doing in there, with a dildo? She says it's not hers. And I for one believe her. So whose is it?

[Trudy slowly puts her hand up]

David Brent:
Well, what's it doing in there?

Trudy:
Well it's a birthday present. But... I don't know what it's doing in there.

David Brent:
[to the two consultants] There, you see. Practical jokes. Is it today, your birthday? Many happy returns. But, what have we learned from this?

Trudy:
Not to leave your dildo lying around.

David Brent:
Don't let it out of your sight. Because it could wind up...

[he accidentally flicks a switch and it starts oscillating]

David Brent:
Oh, God. What do you do when it gets like that? Well, you probably...

[he hands it, still oscillating, to Tim]

David Brent:
Could you... make sure it gets back to... her.

[Dawn is introducing consultants to David]

Dawn:
David, this is Ray and Jude from... I'm sorry, I've forgotten where you're from.

Ray:
Cooper and Webb.

David Brent:
Who's Cooper and who's Webb?

Ray:
Neither of us.

David Brent:
I bet you get that all the time.

Ray:
No.

Tim:
Ok now guys, we're about to enter a warehouse environment now. I'll just warn you that some of the people in here will be working class. So there may be some arse cleavage. Just find a partner, hold hands and don't talk to anyone.

Gareth:
In my experience, women who work in factories are slappers.

Trudy:
My knees hurt.

Chris 'Finchy' Finch:
Nearly done.

David Brent:
[notices the dildo Tim had hidden under a folder on Andy's desk] What's that?

Jude:
It's a dildo.

David Brent:
Is it yours? [tries to hand it to her]

Jude:
No!

Rachel:
You like that, don't you?

Tim:
What?

Rachel:
[picks up Trudy's brand new pink dildo] Is that because it looks like yours?

Tim:
Yeah, it's identical, as well. Well, mine's not that size, it's very, very tiny. But it is made of plastic.

Gareth:
Mine's massive and it ain't made of plastic!

David Brent:
People go, "Why is it important, a question about Mr. Spock?" Oh, I go, "It's like saying I've got a new pedigree dog breed. It's half Alsatian, half Labrador". I go on to Crufts, I go, "Can I enter this dog in the Labrador section?" "No." "Why?" "Because it's not a Labrador." "Correct." "Can I enter it in the Alsatian section?" "No. For the same reasons. Now get that dog out of my sight." "Thanks, I will. You've proved my point." And that's Crufts. All right.

[David, Gareth and Tim are discussing catchphrases]

Gareth:
What ones are yours that I use?

David Brent:
Same sh*t, different day, that's mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me.

Tim:
Wank you very much.

David Brent:
Yeah, I invented that.

[Arguing over the quiz result and request for a rematch]

Chris Finch:
Right, I will throw anything you choose over this building. If I do it, we win the quiz. Right?

David Brent:
Yeah, so you choose anything. If he can throw it over, we've won the champagne. And that's it. And that's the real quiz. Choose one thing.

Ricky:
You really are a couple of sad little men, aren't you?

Gareth:
Oh yeah, they're sad little men. He's thrown a kettle over a pub. What have you ever done?

Tim:
I live with my parents

David Brent:
Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad's not dead, but in a home, so good as.

David Brent:
If someone's, ehm, unlucky you go: I'm not saying he's unlucky, but if he fell into a barrel of tits, he'd come up sucking his own thumb. [giggles] Bit naughty, huh?

Gareth:
Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobbs.

David Brent:
Do ya? [more high-pitched giggles]

Chris Finch:
Give me half hour with her I'd be up to me nuts in guts.

[Dawn and Tim are getting a laugh out of pretending Gareth is gay]

Tim:
We were wondering if a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow?

Gareth:
If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me.

Tim:
What if he was coming, really hard?

Gareth:
Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah.

Dawn:
And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take a man from behind?

Gareth:
Either ways easy.

Dawn:
So you could take a man from behind?

Gareth:
Yeah.

Dawn:
Lovely.

[first lines]

Tim:
I'm 30 today. My mum got me up really early this morning to give me my present.

[David is singing a song he wrote]

David Brent:
[singing] Little while later I see a cowboy crying, I said, "Hey buddy, what can I do?" He says, "I lived a good life, had about a thousand women." I said "Why the tears?", he says "'cause none of them was you."

Tim:
What, you?

David Brent:
No, he's looking at a photograph.

Tim:
Of you?

David Brent:
No, of his girlfriend. The video would have shown it.

Tim:
Sorry. It just sounds a bit gay.

David Brent:
It's not gay!

Tim:
What in the name of Jumping Jehosaphet was that song about?

David Brent:
We're both good in our own fields. I'm sure Texas couldn't run and manage a successful paper merchants. I couldn't do what-, well, I could do what they do, and I think they knew that, even back then. Probably what spurred them on.

Rowan:
Gareth, quick trust exercise, ultimate fantasy?

Gareth:
Hmm?

David Brent:
We're just doing the ultimate fantasy, we're all doing it.

Gareth:
Two lesbians probably, sisters. I'm just watching.

Rowan:
OK. Erm. Tim? Do you have one?

Tim:
I'd never thought I'd say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?

Rowan:
I'm gonna play a very bad hotel manager who just doesn't care, and...

David Brent:
Sorry, if it's a Basil Fawlty type character, well, er, maybe I should do it, just for the comedy.

Rowan:
Let me play it, just to kick things off.

David Brent:
Yeah, well I'll probably bring something to this role anyway.

Rowan:
Hello, I'd wish to make a complaint.

David Brent:
Not interested.

Rowan:
My room is an absolute disgrace, the bathroom doesn't appear to have been cleaned.

David Brent:
What room are you in?

Rowan:
362

David Brent:
There is no 362 in this hotel... sometimes the complaints will be false.

David Brent:
I'd like to make a complaint please

Rowan:
Don't care

David Brent:
Well I am staying at the hotel...

Rowan:
Don't care, it's not my shift

David Brent:
Well you're an ambassador for the hotel...

Rowan:
I don't care

David Brent:
I think you'll care when I tell you what the complaint is...

Rowan:
I don't ca...

David Brent:
I think there's been a rape up there.

David Brent:
...I got his attention. Get their attention.

Gareth:
So, can you set fire to a postage stamp?

David Brent:
No. In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A busdriver would have to accept that as currency.

Gareth:
Yeah, that would happen.

David Brent:
Well if he doesn't, report him.

Gareth:
Yeah, I'll report him when I'm walking home.

Gareth:
You can taxi, if you've got enough stamps.

[Brent believes anything with the Queen's image should be currency]

David Brent:
In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.

Tim:
Yeah, that'd happen.

Gareth:
Well, if he doesn't, report him.

Tim:
Yeah, I'll report him while I'm walking home.

Gareth:
Get a taxi, if you've got enough stamps.

Dawn:
Or cash 'em in at the Post Office.

David Brent:
Shouldn't have to. Shouldn't have to.

Dawn:
He proposed on a Valentine's day, although he didn't do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said 'Lee love Dawn, marriage?' which you know, I like, because it's not often you get to something that's both romantic and thrifty.

[a pornographic picture with Brent's head superimposed on is discovered on someone's email]

David Brent:
Who else has seen this filth?

[everyone puts their hand up, including Joan the cleaning lady]

David Brent:
You haven't even got email, Joan.

Joan:
Someone printed it out for me.

David Brent:
Who printed this out for Joan?

[everyone puts their hand up again]

David Brent:
Well. I'm angry. And not because I'm in it, but because it degrades women, which I hate. And the culprit, whoever he is, is in this room. Or she, it could be a woman. Women are as filthy as men. Not naming any names - I don't know any - but women... are... dirty.

David Brent:
We have access to the internet. But it isn't censored, is that a good or a bad thing?

Gareth:
Bad.

David Brent:
Well, that's not for us to say. But I can type in, say, 'sex... fetish'. It takes a little while. There. two thousand, two hundred and thirty matches. Just click on one, at random. Aaaagh, there. 'Dutch girls must be punished for having big b*obs'. Now, you don't punish anyone, Dutch or otherwise, for having big b*obs.

Gareth:
If anything, they should be rewarded.

David Brent:
They should be *equal*.

Gareth:
Women are equal.

David Brent:
I've always said that, so...

[trying to find out who did a dirty picture of David Brent]

Gareth:
Do you know who done the picture?

Keith:
Yeah... no, I mean no.

Gareth:
Right. Your first answer was 'yeah', wasn't it?

Keith:
I meant no.

Gareth:
Well, why did you get...?

Keith:
Uhh... I don't know.

Gareth:
Am I making you nervous?

Keith:
No. I mean, yeah.

Gareth:
Hmmm. That's interesting.

David Brent:
[to Donna and Dawn] If you do have any trouble from the men, what does she do, Dawn?

Dawn:
Kick them in the balls.

David Brent:
Oh! Feminist.

Gareth:
[jokingly] Get your bra off.

David Brent:
[to Gareth, defensively] Do you want to go out, as well?

Gareth:
Sorry, burn your bra. Feminists.

[Jennifer has just been insulted in the warehouse by the warehouse crew]

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
I just can't believe their total lack of respect.

David Brent:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not only did they undermine you in an authoritative sense, but they left an image in my mind of you naked on all fours literally being done doggy style.

Gareth:
Do you know te phrase 'softly, softly, catchie monkey'? I could catch a monkey. If I was starving, I could. I'd make poisoned darts out of the poison of frogs 'o deadly frogs.

Gareth:
In this room I have special...

Tim:
...needs?

Gareth:
No, in this room I am a special...

Tim:
...needs child?

Gareth:
No, and that's not even funny.

David Brent:
Look at this - "Dutch girls must be punished for having big b*obs". Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big b*obs.

Gareth:
If anything they should be rewarded.

David Brent:
No, they should be equal.

Gareth:
I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.

David Brent:
Have you heard George Michael's latest release?

Tim:
No.

David Brent:
No? George Michael's latest song... his release, though...

Tim:
Is it about blow jobs?

David Brent:
Yeah, that thing in the toilet. It was a hand job...

Donna:
Is it 'Wank Me Off Before You Go-Go'?

Gareth:
People look at me, they say he's tough, he was in the army he's gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn't Schindler's List a brilliant film?

David Brent:
Donna, yeah? My responsibility. Away from home. I know boys will be boys...

Gareth:
Hands off.

David Brent:
Yeah.

Gareth:
Out of bounds.

David Brent:
Yeah.

Gareth:
Look but don't touch.

David Brent:
[annoyed] What d'you mean by 'look'.

Gareth:
Talk to her, be friendly, don't get any ideas.

David Brent:
Yeah. Good.

Gareth:
Yeah.

[pause]

Gareth:
What if she's up for it?

David Brent:
The thing is though, no-one's dispensable in my book, because we're like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they're like the mouth. The guys down here, the hands.

Jennifer Taylor-Clark:
And what part are you?

David Brent:
Good question. Probably the humour.

I think there's been a rape up there.

Get.

Their.

Attention.