Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Season 1

Maria Hill:
What does S.H.I.E.L.D. stand for, Agent Ward?

Grant Ward:
Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.

Maria:
And what does that mean to you?

Ward:
It means someone really wanted our initials to spell out "shield." [Hill gives him a look] ...It means we're the line between the world and the much weirder world. We protect people from news they aren't ready to hear. And when we can't do that, we keep them safe.

Ward:
Something turns up like this Chitauri neural link... we get to it before someone bad does.

Maria:
Any idea who Vanchat was planning to sell it to?

Ward:
I'm more interested in how this Rising Tide group found out about it. I thought they were just hackers. What changed?

Maria:
Everything's changing. A little while ago, most people went to bed thinking that the craziest thing in the world was a billionaire in a flying metal suit. Then aliens invade New York then were beaten back by, among others, a giant green monster, a costumed hero from the 40's, and a god.

Ward:
I don't think Thor's technically a god.

Maria:
Well, you haven't been near his arms.

Maria:
The battle of the New York was the end of the world. This - now - is the new world. People are different. They have access to tech, to formula, secrets they're not ready for.

Ward:
Why was I pulled out of Paris?

Maria:
That, you'll have to ask Agent Coulson.

Ward:
Uh, yeah. I'm clearance Level Six. I know that... Agent Coulson was killed in action, before the battle of New York. I got the full report.

Phil Coulson:
[Steps out of the dark] Welcome to Level Seven. [Beat] Sorry, that corner was really dark and I couldn't help myself; I think there's a bulb out.

Leo Fitz:
[To Agent Ward] One of Coulson's old S.H.I.E.L.D. collectibles. Flamethrowers, world's first GPS. He's mad for this crap.

Coulson:
[To the SHIELD C-17 loadmaster regarding his classic Corvette] Don't touch Lola.

Fitz:
And he calls it a girl's name.

Coulson:
Lola's not just a collectible, you know. People tend to confuse the words "new" and "improved".

[Coulson and Ward are interrogating Skye]

Coulson:
This is QMB-T16. It's the top-shelf martini of sodium-penthasol derivatives. It's a very potent and extremely fast-acting truth drug. Don't worry, effects only last about an hour.

Ward:
And then you'll have a nice little nap. And we'll know everything... [Coulson injects Ward with the serum] Gah, what the hell?!

Coulson:
I'm sorry, did that hurt?

Ward:
...No. But you've lost your mind. You should never do that do a fellow member of your team. And yes, it did hurt a little bit. But I always try to mask my pain in front of beautiful women because I think it makes me seem more masculine- my God this stuff works fast.

Coulson:
[To Skye] Still don't trust us? Ask him whatever you like. [Leaves the room]

Ward:
Wait a minute...you can't just... THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT PROTOCOL!!

Skye:
Usually one person doesn't solve the solution, but 100 people with 1% of the solution that will get it done. I think that's beautiful, pieces solving a puzzle.

Ward:
You and I see the world differently.

Ward:
Where's your side arm?

Melinda May:
If I need a gun, I'll take one.

Ward:
Right, I forgot I was working with "The Cavalry."

May:
Don't ever call me that.

[Later, caught in a standoff with Peruvian soldiers]

Ward:
You should've taken more guns.

Skye:
I don't even know where we are going.

Coulson:
Peru. That's where the 0-8-4 was reported.

Skye:
And an 0-8-4 is?

Coulson:
Object of unknown origin, kind of like you. Team goes in, determines if it's useful or poses a threat. Last one turned out to be pretty interesting.

Skye:
What was the last one?

Coulson:
A hammer.

Skye:
Sweet ride.

Coulson:
I earned a little good will from Director Fury when I got hit right before the battle of New York.

Skye:
You took a bullet?

Coulson:
"ish".

Fitz:
Are you mental? I did explain what I meant using the Queen's bloody English!

Ward:
I use normal English. Words like "duck" and "run" and "might blow us to pieces."

Fitz:
Congratulations, Agent Ward, you managed to string three words together in a sentence.

Coulson:
You forget, I saw plenty of action with the Avengers. [Walks away]

May:
[Quietly, to herself] And you died.

Quinn's Main Guard:
[After Skye takes Quinn's gun] Kid's got balls.

Skye:
Thanks, but yuck.

Ian Quinn:
But do you have what it takes to pull the trigger?

Skye:
...Nope. [Skye turns around, jumps off the balcony and into the pool]

Coulson:
We need a reset here Fitz. Fitz?

Jemma Simmons:
Saying his name repeatedly, does not increase productivity!

Fitz:
Okay, done!

Simmons:
...Or maybe it does.

Quinn:
S.H.I.E.L.D.'s against everything you stand for. They're big brother.

Skye:
Maybe, but they're the nice big brother who stands up for his helpless little brother when he's getting beat up because he ate a piece of cake that he wasn't... you know, you kidnapped a person!

Simmons:
[about Skye] I thought she was done for, but she just sweet-talked her way into Quinn's office.

May:
How'd she manage that?

Fitz:
Pfft, she probably used her...

[realizes Simmons and May are glaring at him]

Fitz:
her... uh... boobs.

May:
Bus to short bus.

Ward:
Go for short bus.

Coulson:
Next time I'll decide what we call ourselves, ok?

Skye:
So you asked how she could have cracked the system. I have a pitch, but it's way outside the box.

Coulson:
I live outside the box.

Skye:
What's up Phil?

Coulson:
I prefer you not call me Phil.

Skye:
Ok, you're the boss, AC.

Coulson:
Have you seen Skye?

Grant Ward:
Not since weapons training.

Coulson:
She stop saying "bang" when she pulls the trigger?

Ward:
Mostly. Now if she can just learn the difference between the safety release and the magazine release, we will be making real progress.

[Fitz and Ward are playing poker on the plane]

Ward:
...I call, and raise a hundred.

Fitz:
Do you know how I'm gonna beat you?

Ward:
By losing?

Fitz:
You have a tell. A psychological tick that lets me know you're bluffing. If I watch you carefully... [Louder, into his earpiece] If I watch you carefully...

Skye:
Oh, sorry. One minute. [Grabs the eye-spy x-ray glasses] You know that if I do this, I'll not only see Ward's cards, I'll see you without any clothes on?

Fitz:
...I fold, you win. [Leaves]

Skye:
Did you just give me a compliment?

Ward:
I - no, I made a comment.

Skye:
A kind one. Did it physically hurt to do that? Do you need an ice pack? [Ward smiles]

Skye:
Wow! A compliment and a smile.

Miles Lydon:
You've changed.

Skye:
Good.

Miles:
I mean, you're not who you used to be.

Skye:
And you're not who I thought you were.

Miles:
I hope you find what you're looking for.

Raina:
You need a similar name. More powerful name. A name like... Scorch.

Chen Ho Yin:
Scorch? You're joking.

Raina:
Have you ever heard of Steve Rogers? No. Captain America, now he's on the news and lunch box and a poster on the wall.

Coulson:
Go ahead, say it.

May:
I don't do petty.

Coulson:
But you called it. I trusted my gut even though you said she was a risk.

May:
When someone breaks into my house, I usually don't invite them to stay. But that's me.

Coulson:
That's me too. Then that alien staff went through my heart.

May:
Sure it didn't go through the brain?

Coulson:
You really don't do comforting either, do you?

Coulson:
Mr. Chan, believe it or not, this could still get worse!

Chen:
Bend someone long enough and they break. Poor little Chan Ho Yen may have believed your lies... but not Scorch!

May:
Who?

Coulson:
Ah, crap... they gave him a name.

Fitz:
Here's the new Night-Night pistol. [Ward tries it out]

Ward:
...It's an ounce too heavy.

Fitz:
An ounce too... An OUNCE isn't going to make much difference.

Ward:
An ounce can be the difference between a good shot in the wind and rain, or a miss. Lose the ounce. [Leaves]

Fitz:
[Imitating Ward] I'm Agent Grant Ward. I can shoot the legs off a flea at 500 yards, as long as it's not windy.

Simmons:
[Imitating Ward] I'm Agent Grant Ward, and I could rupture your spleen with my left pinky... blindfolded. [Ward arrives]

Ward:
What's going on?

Simmons:
Poor silly Fitz, he mistakenly left a dummy round in the pistol [Hands him the gun] should be proper now."

[Simmons and Ward are talking after Ward saved Simmons' life when she jumped from the plane because she had contracted an alien disease.]

Simmons:
About the Night-Night pistol...we didn't actually remove the extra ounce.

Ward:
I know. After all...[Imitates the others imitating him] I'm Agent Grant Ward. I just jumped out of a plane without a parachute on, saved your life.

Simmons:
Actually, that's not quite it. It's a bit more nasal than that.

May:
Whether it was 8 seconds or 40, you died. There's no way you can go through a trauma like that and not come out of it changed. You know how long it's taken me to...

Coulson:
I know.

May:
The point of these things is to remind us that... There is no going back, there's only moving forward. You feel different because you are different.

May:
That her medical report?

Coulson:
Mine, actually. Blood work finally came back. I'm perfectly normal - little heavy on the iron. But don't worry - you don't have to start calling me Iron Man.

May:
Wasn't planning on it.

Coulson:
[Entering the lab] What's Fitz doing out there?

Simmons:
He detected a strange energy about the body.

Coulson:
He's afraid of it, isn't he?

Fitz:
[From the other room] It's the smell!

[Coulson, Ward, and May are being briefed on a special assignment to disarm a nuclear device]

Victoria Hand:
I need a two man team to sneak over the border, find the device, and disarm it within the next 48 hours. And you have two people who fit my bill.

May:
Ready to go.

Ward:
I was in Georgia when the incurson occured. I still have contacts on the other side of the border.

Hand:
And you'll need them. But, we don't have specs on the device, so I need someone on your team who can recognize and dismantle it on sight.

Ward:
...Do you mean...

Coulson:
I think she does...

[Camera cuts to the commons area, where Fitz is arriving to meet Simmons and Skye with a cart full of tech. The door opens.]

Fitz:
I found a localized EMP, plus a few other party favors. [The door closes when the cart's halfway through] Oh, come on. What the... Open. It's stuck. [Coulson, Ward, and May arrive] The cart's stuck. [Fitz pulls open the door and turns back to the front of the cart] That's unbelieveable. [The door closes again] WHAT THE HELL?! Who designed this?! In the Hub, of all places! [He shoves the cart out the door, which closes on him.] Oh, that's... [Door closes, cutting off his voice]

Ward:
...Seriously?

Ward:
[Disables an enemy and sees more arriving] Fitz! More Border Patrol!

[Fitz has already gotten out of the car and started running]

Fitz:
I'm already moving! HURRY UP!

Fitz:
[surprised after kicking a bad guy in the face] I just did that.

Ward:
[equally surprised] Yeah...

Fitz:
Let's go.

Fitz:
This is gonna take a while.

Ward:
You have ten minutes.

Fitz:
I thought you'd say five.

Simmons:
[to Skye] I can't be a part of your bad-girl shenanigans. I like following the rules and doing what's expected of me. It makes me feel nice.

Ward:
Don't say I never gave you anything.

Fitz:
Checking for alien spectrographic signatures one teeny rock at a time.

Ward:
Necessary precaution. We don't want anything alien getting in the wrong hands.

Fitz:
Still, this is definitely the type of work a monkey could easily do.

Ward:
You're our little monkey.

Skye:
You guys may think it's old news, but it's new... news to everybody else. So, Asgardians are aliens from another planet that visited us thousands of years ago?

Coulson:
Or more.

Skye:
And because we couldn't understand aliens, we thought they were gods?

Coulson:
That's where our Norse mythology comes from.

Skye:
That's too crazy. Do you think other deities are aliens, too? Vishnu for sure, right?

Coulson:
You know, it'd be nice, for once, Thor and his people sent down the God of Cleaning Up After Yourself. They probably have a magic broom for this kind of thing.

Coulson:
I can't think of a single time when anything alien in human hands ended well.

Skye:
Wouldn't mind getting my human hands on Thor. He's so dreamy...

Coulson:
Sure, he's handsome, but-

May:
No. He's dreamy. [Walks on. The other two stare after her, somewhat surprised.]

Coulson:
How you doing, Agent Ward?

Ward:
Wishing I was shorter. Nothing yet. All my readings are normal.

Coulson:
What about you, Skye? Any luck?

Skye:
I'm lucky my S.O. volunteered to take the super-creepy hallway instead of the slightly less creepy dungeon-room...place.

May:
People believe what they want to believe to justify their actions.

Fitz:
No! You do not touch that! Two semesters minimum of holographic engineering before you touch this!

Skye:
All right, All right. I get it. I didn't go to your stupid SHIELD Hogwarts or whatever.

Skye:
You can catch a lot more flies with honey than with napalm.

Fitz:
You screamed like a girl.

Simmons:
I am a girl!

Simmons:
All I can tell from these brain waves is that she's upset.

Skye:
You need a computer for that?

Mike Peterson:
Did I beat Captain America's time?

Trainer:
Not even close.

Ward:
I'm just saying this could easily go sideways. The last time we saw this guy he was a raging homicidal maniac... [Mike walks up] He's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Coulson:
Nothing makes people more suspicious than a handsome man offering them free money.

Raina:
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Coulson:
Lucky for you.

Raina:
What do you remember about Tahiti?

Coulson:
It's a magical place.

Skye:
You're giving me a sandwich?

Simmons:
Yes. It is that.

Hand:
You backed my decision to kick Skye off the plane.

May:
Seems like it worked out.

Hand:
Seems like you played me.

Coulson:
I heard what you did for me. I think it's time that we remove this.

[Talks to her wrist binder]

Coulson:
Disengage bracelet.

[Bracelet comes off]

Skye:
Are you kidding me?

Coulson:
I thought you'd like that.

Skye:
"Bad seed" isn't a S.H.I.E.L.D. term, Ward. Just a term.

Fitz:
Time will come when you won't make fun of me for that. You'll be jealous. You'll be jealous wrinkly old hags.

Coulson:
We need to root out all the secrets.

May:
Agent Ward and I have been having sex.

Fitz:
Is Science & Technology what you imagined, Agent Ward?

Ward:
Yep - no uniforms, no rope course, no defined muscularity on anyone.

Fitz:
No marching in place, no IQs in double digits.

Donnie Gill:
It's true what the other guys say - you are the smartest person to come through here.

Fitz:
Is that what they say? Yeah? Well, Simmons is probably smarter, technically, but that - that's just because she likes homework more than life itself.

Ward:
Really? You think Coulson will take that excuse if he finds out about us?

May:
He took it okay when I told him.

Ward:
Wait? You told him?

May:
Yep.

Simmons:
[arguing with Coulson, pretending to act as his daughter] All mom ever wanted was your love. To be with you! In our two-story Victorian home in the Cotswolds! But could you even give her a moment, what with your banking job requiring you to travel to the States from Tuesday to Saturday every other week? No!

Passenger:
[interrupts] Excuse me, ma'am, I'm personally sorry for your loss. [turns towards Coulson] As for you, this is your chance to do better.

Coulson:
I understand. [the passenger walks away]

Simmons:
He's right. You never had time for her, but you had time for your work! And your prostitutes!

Skye:
Fitz, have you ever heard of an 0-8-4 being a person?

Fitz:
No, but I suppose it's possible. I'd hate to meet the guy.

Coulson:
Not a grenade exactly, this might be some kind of cloaking mechanism

Ward:
Maybe it created some kind of portal, jumped the train there.

Coulson:
I hope not. I can't deal with Asgard today.

[Coulson and Ward see a truck]

Coulson:
Keys might be in it.

[Ward shakes his head]

Coulson:
It's the country. People are very trusting in the country.

Coulson:
Really? All the war and chaos in the world, and S.H.I.E.L.D. sends a plane after us.

Ward:
Three planes - small transport to dock and a pair of F-35s to make sure we hand over Quinn.

Coulson:
If they scratch my paint, I'm gonna be pissed.

Coulson:
Garrett? What the hell are you doing here?

John Garrett:
Well, as opposed to the Level 8 jackass I'm staring at, I still follow orders.

Coulson:
You're the worst at following orders.

Antoine Triplett:
How did Coulson score such a sweet ride?

Ward:
He died.

Trip:
That's tight.

Garrett:
[to Ian Quinn] Let me be clear. You have no rights, no lawyer, the only thing keeping Agent Coulson here from throwing you out of this plane is the very weak heartbeat of the agent downstairs. And the only incentive I have for not tearing your tongue out is that you'll use it to answer my questions.

Fitz:
Comms are down. There's too much mountain on top of us.

Garrett:
Trust me - it's better. You don't want them hearing the horrible death we're walking into.

[Fitz gives a worried stare]

Garrett:
Humor, son. You Brits are too serious. Besides, if the job was easy...

Ward:
It wouldn't be fun.

Fitz:
I'm not afraid - not yet.

Jasper Sitwell:
You know, usually when a friend wants a favor they do something nice. Takes me to a nice restaraunt, buys me a bottle of wine.

Coulson:
Want to go to a movie? Hold hands? Okay, but I need to ask you a question first.

Sitwell:
I don't know where director Fury is. Don't be so shocked. For a quiet guy you make a lot of noise. How many favors have you called in?

Coulson:
Clearly not enough.

Sitwell:
Something I can help you with? [Coulson stays quiet] Fine, but Fury is a high level agent who is off grid. You don't find him unless he wants to find you. You did something like that once too. Remember? I never asked you. How was Tahiti?

Coulson:
It sucked.

[Lady Sif sees Coulson, whom she belived dead]

Lady Sif:
What dark magic is this? Thor said you perished at the hand of Loki.

Coulson:
And he was right. For a while anyway. But Loki wasn't the only one with some tricks up his sleeve. Turns out S.H.I.E.L.D. had a few of their own.

Sif:
Thor will be pleased to hear it. He considers you a friend.

Coulson:
I feel the same. Which is why I prefer he hear it from me, if that's okay.

Lorelei:
I wanted gold! You bring me paper?

Rooster:
It's cash. It's like gold. This is the currency here.

Lorelei:
[points at a $100 bill] And who's this ugly women?

Rooster:
That's... uh... that's Ben Franklin. He used to be president. He used to rule this whole country.

Lorelei:
And women can rule your land? Can they not?

Rooster:
You'd be the first.

Lorelei:
Yes. I will.

[Coulson discusses how to catch Ward and Lorelei]

Skye:
What can I do? And don't you dare say "nothing" or tell me to sit down here and count ceiling tiles while Ward is missing.

Coulson:
Ward's got drop boxes and storage lockers all over the world. They're filled with currency, weapons, ID's. He's gonna use aliases, cash, anything to keep Lorelei off the radar. You're the best radar we have. Find them.

[Sif has Lorelei at sword point]

Lorelei:
Kill me. I'd rather die than go back to that place.

Sif:
You'll not get off that easy.

Lorelei:
Why? It's what you want. I can see it in your eyes. Or would you rather hear about how the man you loved followed me around like a dog? Hear of his touch? His kiss? The look in his eyes when I...

[Sif silences Lorelei with the collar]

Sif:
You were saying?

[S.H.I.E.L.D. agents board the bus]

Hand:
You realize Agent Coulson they have these things called teleconferences now.

Coulson:
Nice to see you too, Agent Hand.

Simmons:
We'd like to send a blood sample of yours to some colleagues to do a molecular breakdown. Maybe if you spoke to Agent Coulson...

Skye:
Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea. If Coulson thinks it's important that this thing stays between us, then we should trust him, right? He's the boss.

Simmons:
So you're saying we should obey the rules?

Fitz:
Who are you and what have you done with Skye?

Agent Blake:
Mr. Peterson... stop. You have a son - Ace. He needs you. We can still help you, Mike.

Deathlok:
Mike Peterson's dead.

Garrett:
Impressive toy.

Fitz:
I prefer the term "hard-tech hardware."

Skye:
You haven't taught me how to hold up under torture yet.

Ward:
We'll get to that. It's real fun.

Coulson:
We fly in there and face the music, even if it is the HYDRA theme song.

Hand:
The worst thing you can do right now is underestimate HYDRA. They hide in plain sight; they earn our trust, our sympathy. They make us like them, and when you hesitate, they strike. If we're to survive, we must learn to strike first.

Coulson:
She's a sleeper. I mean, the other kind of sleeper.

Coulson:
You should go straight for the head. HYDRA's always talking about getting heads cut off, right?

Coulson:
Skye, please tell me something good.

Skye:
We have internet.

Coulson:
Yay! And boy, have I lowered my expectations.

Coulson:
Nick Fury gave me this badge. When he did, I swore an oath, we all did. To serve when everything else fails, to be humanity's last line of defence, to be the shield.

Garrett:
Once we hit the fridge and grab all the fun toys tucked away inside we'll be able to take any base we want.

Agent Kaminsky:
[Lifts both hands straight in a Nazi salute] Hail HYDRA!

Garrett:
Alright, alright, put your arms down Kaminsky, you look like a West Texas cheerleader at pep rally.

Fitz:
We have to trust that Coulson knows what he's doing.

Trip:
Hey, I respect Coulson...

Fitz:
Agent Coulson to you.

Trip:
Agent Coulson. He saved our asses back at the hub, but I'm telling you, he's chasing the white whale.

Fitz:
Okay, have you even read Moby Dick?

Trip:
Yeah. Have you?

Fitz:
That's not the point.

[Ward is "taking Garrett into custody" accompanied by two S.H.I.E.L.D. security guards]

Security Guard:
How the hell did HYDRA know that you and Hand were coming?

Garrett:
We told them.

[Ward shoots both security guards]

Ward:
A little warning next time? I mean, they had automatic weapons.

Garrett:
I couldn't resist, it was too good a line.

Coulson:
Yeah, we're safe here. But what about everyone else? The people that don't happen to have access to a top secret, underground shelter? What about them? I don't know if it's wise, but it's right. I'm taking a team, and that's the end of it.

Agent Eric Koenig:
Just gonna need you guys to answer a few questions, a few psychoanalytic, non sequitur questions.

Coulson:
A lie detector.

Koenig:
The lie detector, Agent Coulson. This baby measures galvanic skin response, oxygen consumption, micro-expressions, biofeedback brain waves, pupil dilation, voice biometrics - 96 variables in all. Fury designed this himself. He wanted a lie detector Romanoff couldn't beat.

Ward:
Did she?

Koenig:
[scoffs] Like Fury would tell!

Koenig:
What's the difference between an egg and a rock?

May:
Edible. Not.

Fitz:
Well, that's absurd. The differences are-

Simmons:
innumerable. If you want, I can start listing them but then-

Fitz:
we'll be here all day.

Koenig:
You wash up on a deserted island alone. Sitting on the sand is a box. What is in that box?

May:
Machete.

Trip:
A sat phone so I can call someone to get me off that island.

Fitz:
How big is the box?

Koenig:
Just say the first answer that comes into your mind. What's in that box?

Fitz:
Simmons.

Simmons:
That's a hard one. Let me think. The Tardis.

Skye:
I want to say my laptop, fully charged. But I don't want to seem subversive - with the Rising Tide and all...

Koenig:
You're over-thinking it.

Skye:
The laptop would be stupid, anyway. There's no wi-fi.

Koenig:
The NSA. You want to hack the NSA? That's a bad idea, Skye. That's a terrible idea. The NSA's already got S.H.I.E.L.D. on its watch list. Why poke the bear - the big, scary, waterboarding bear?

Hill:
Yeah, it went as expected. S.H.I.E.L.D. implodes, and everyone wants answers. The CIA, NSA, NRO, them I can handle. But Congress? Congress is like kindergarten. "Where is this Fridge?" "What was in there?" "Who or what is a Man-Thing?" I swear, I need a cocktail and a lobotomy.

Skye:
All this time, everything we've been through, why? How could you?

Ward:
I was on a mission. It wasn't personal.

Skye:
"It was - " you did not just say that! "It wasn't personal"?!

Ward:
Skye, listen to me...

Skye:
God, you might actually believe that! That - that is the twisted logic that they teach you when you sign up to be a Nazi.

Ward:
Stop. Wait. I'm not a Nazi.

Skye:
Yes, you are. That is exactly what you are. It's in the S.H.I.E.L.D. handbook, chapter one. The Red Skull, founder of HYDRA, was a big, fat, freaking Nazi.

Ward:
That has nothing to do with today.

Skye:
You know, you always had that Hitler Youth look to you, so it's really not that surprising.

Coulson:
If I come out, will you shoot me? 'Cause then I won't come out.

Colonel Glenn Talbot:
Hold your fire, soldiers.

Hill:
Wow. I can't believe he shot Lola.

Coulson:
I can't talk about it.

Hill:
I should go. You know where to find me.

Coulson:
Say hello to Stark from m- Oh yeah, never mind, he thinks I'm dead.

Coulson:
We have no authority to do this. We're no longer S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. We're...

Fitz:
We're vigilantes.

Coulson:
I was gonna say, "doing this because it's the right thing to do," but... yeah.

Coulson:
So if you're with me, I'm gonna finish what I started. I'll be damned if I'm going to let Garrett and Ward get away with murder. And I want my plane back.

Ward:
I could've crossed off that drug lord without getting my picture taken. Single shot, half a mile away.

Garrett:
You're missing the point. I didn't want to just cross him off, I wanted to make a spectacle. People are killed by guns everyday in Bogota. But how often does a monster punch a drug lord's head clean off? Hell, that's international news!

Coulson:
Skye, Trip, get ready for a large file transfer.

Skye:
How large?

[A filing cabinet comes crashing out the window]

Skye:
You know, I never gave you enough credit for this whole zen-warrior thing. But I got to admit, it'd be nice to feel nothing right now.

May:
You think I don't feel anything?

Skye:
Look at you. You're a statue. And you and Ward had a thing. So if anyone should be furious...

May:
I am. I'm furious. But I'm sure as hell not gonna waste it on a tantrum. I'm gonna mine it, save it. And when we find Ward, I'm gonna use every bit of it to take him down.

Skye:
Wish I knew how to use that hate-fu.

May:
I'm up most mornings at five.

Coulson:
Backup isn't coming. It will be just the four of us. We'll be outmanned and outgunned, but Fury always said a man can accomplish anything when he realizes he's a part of something bigger. A team of people that share that conviction can change the world. So what do you say? Are you ready to change the world?

May:
No. I'm ready to kick some ass.

Coulson:
That works, too.

Coulson:
Sir?

Nick Fury:
You don't have to call me sir, Coulson. Look at me. I'm dressed like I live under a bridge.

Coulson:
What are you doing here?

Fury:
Well, Simmons turned me on to that old-timey tracker Fitz left on your Bus. I went to great pains to make sure you didn't die the first time.

Coulson:
Well, now's probably not the best time, but I'd like to have a lengthy conversation with you about that. It might get loud.

Fury:
And I owe you that. But right now, we owe Garrett a punch in the teeth, wouldn't you say? This...

[Fury hands Coulson the Destroyer gun used on Loki in "The Avengers"]

Fury:
...packs a pretty good punch.

[Coulson charges the weapon]

Coulson:
I know what it does.

Garrett:
Fury. Well, hell. When was the last time anyone saw a tag team wrestling match with four dead guys?

Coulson:
I only see one dead guy in here.

Garrett:
Oh, the power's all on this side of the room, fellas. Phil, I'm surprised you'd try and stop me. Course, I don't blame you, Nick. You haven't seen the big picture. The big bang. The timeless frozen ocean, but Phil here has. We share a bond. We're blood brothers.

Fury:
You didn't tell me he'd gone this crazy.

Coulson:
He's really stepped it up a notch.

Garrett:
You remember that speech you used to give us, Nick? About how one man can accomplish anything once he realizes he can be something bigger? Well, now I am.

Fury:
A part. A part of something bigger.

Garrett:
Is that how it went?

Coulson:
[to Fury] Not a great listener.

Fury:
If you're telling me this whole Hydra path thing you took is because you misheard my damn one-man speech...

Garrett:
I am the key to the future of the universe. I'm the origin of all things.

Fury:
[to Coulson] You got it, right?

Coulson:
Totally. Loud and clear.

[An injured Garrett puts on the new Deathlok armor.]

Garrett:
There's a reason why they say, "Cut off the head." Now, I'll be unsto- :[Coulson vaporizes Garrett with the 0-8-4 from Peru.]

Coulson:
Hey, guys. I found it. I told you it'd be in here.

[On board the Bus, Coulson confronts Fury about his resurrection]

Coulson:
Stupid, stupid, stupid! And cruel! And very stupid!

Fury:
I think you made your point.

Coulson:
Why bring me back in the first place? Clearly, I didn't think it was the best idea. I warned you about people losing their minds.

Fury:
Agent May was on top of the situation. She says you're fine - aren't you? It was a "break glass in case of emergency" situation.

Coulson:
Yes, but that emergency was supposed to be the fall of an Avenger.

Fury:
Exactly. And I'm damn glad I did it, too.

Skye:
With great power comes … a ton of weird crap that you are not prepared to deal with!

Ward:
There will come a moment when you have to commit to this or bail. Every field agent has a defining moment. Ask Coulson. When you have to make the hard call to either dedicate yourself to this or to curl up in a ball and run.

Ian Quinn:
Many of you shareholders have been with us for years, and I see a few new names here, but I want to thank you all for traveling so far to this beautiful country and, well, for slumming it at Shaba Tal-Banar. This country where we are allowed to pursue progress and profit without the stranglehold of regulations that are now choking our world. The United States government, the R.U., the DRTC, S.H.I.E.L.D. These are just a few of the institutions that are guilty of halting the development of new technology for anyone except themselves. We dare defy them with a new idea, they steal in and sweep it out from under us. But not today.

Franklin Hall:
I've seen the future, Mr. Coulson, and it's a catastrophe.

Hall:
They won't understand the good I did here.

Coulson:
Killing innocent people?

Hall:
Saving millions. We have to live with the choices we make, but sometimes we have to die with them, too.

Skye:
[With a gun.] Safety off. [She accidentally releases the magazine.] Bang?

Raina:
I come as a friend.

Chan Ho Yin:
English isn't my first language, but that word means something different than you think.

May:
His file say anything about him being homicidal?

Coulson:
Just said he was kind of a tool.

Chan Ho Yin:
Poor little Chan Ho Yin may have believed your lies, but not Scorch!

May:
Who?

Coulson:
Oh, crap. They gave him a name.

Raina:
[to Edison Po] We all have to do things that make us uncomfortable...if we are ever to get our toy soldiers off the shelf.

Jemma Simmons:
Working up a good sweat there, sir?

Coulson:
I don't sweat. I glisten.

Simmons:
Blood pressure, heart rate, biochems, all normal. All that’s left is the blood sample.

Coulson:
You should know, I’m not a fan of getting poked.

Simmons:
Tell me, sir, have you been feeling under the weather lately?

Coulson:
Why?

Simmons:
I just noticed from your chart that you’re not due for a general physical for another three months.

Coulson:
I made a mistake, took a call from my physical therapist. Asked how I was feeling, I said “a little rusty”. Next thing you know I’m wired to this hamster wheel.

Simmons:
Well, you can officially tell your physical therapist that you're fit as the proverbial fiddle, especially for a man of your age.

Coulson:
A man of my age? That's something you say to an old person.

Simmons:
[nervous] Is it? Well, let’s get you some electrolytes, shall we?

Ward:
I wanted it to be a person, some superpowered psychopath someone I could hurt, someone I could...punish. That I could do. What I can't do is protect you guys from stuff I can't even see or understand.

Fitz:
[Upset] was doing just fine tucked away in a safe, indoor, non-mobile lab at the academy! Then you had to go and drag us into this flying circus! Didn’t even pass our field assessments, for God’s sake!

Simmons:
[Also upset] Oh, please, as if I forced you to follow me anywhere.

Fitz:
You said, and I quote… [Mocking her voice] “Oh, Fitz, it’s the most perfect opportunity for us to see the world! We’d be fools to pass this one up!”

Simmons:
I hate it when you use that voice. That’s not even how I sound. And you were just afraid of going into the field.

Fitz:
I was not afraid.

Simmons:
And don’t you dare act like these last months haven’t been the highlight of your entire pasty life!

Fitz:
Pasty? Oh, really? Well, when did you become so sun kissed? Because I’m pretty sure that every minute of every day you’ve been stuck in a lab right beside me. At the academy, at sci-ops, this plane, you’ve been beside me the whole damn time! [Pause, scared] You have to fix this.

Simmons:
Sir, I know the protocol in these circumstances, but could you please tell my dad first? I just think my mum would take it better if it comes from him.

Coulson:
We’re not there yet, there’s still time.

Simmons:
Sir, please. Would you mind if I had a brief moment alone with Fitz?

May:
Come on, let’s go.

Fitz:
We’ll try again. The electrostatic pulse from the third rat seemed much less, so we’re making progress. If we can calibrate the antiserum…

Simmons:
Antiserum, yes. You finally got it right, Fitz. [Conks him on the head] I’m so sorry.

Hand:
You yourself have designed dozens of operations like this. You know how this works.

Coulson:
Usually with an extraction plan.

Hand:
Barton. Romanoff. They never have an extraction plan.

Coulson:
They know that going in.

Elliott Randolph:
Recent events have thrown us all for a loop. I thought I was teaching Norse mythology. No, turns out I'm a history professor.

Coulson:
So, the myth is your autobiography.

Randolph:
I didn't write it. I didn't want anyone to know about me. Then I had to open my big mouth.

Coulson:
Were you captured? Tortured?

Randolph:
Horny. I met a French girl in 1546. Ah, she loved stories. So I told her a great one, all about the peaceful Asgardian warrior who stayed. Now, how was I to know her brother the priest would write it all down and turn it into, I don't know, a thing?

Coulson:
Do you know Thor?

Randolph:
Oh, sure, I spent all my days palling around with the future King of Asgard. No, I don't know Thor. I was a mason. I broke rocks.

Coulson:
She took it upon herself to get them out. Said she could fix the problem. So she went in, crossed off the enemy force, didn't say how.

Skye:
Did she lose anyone in there?

Coulson:
Herself. May used to be different. She was always quiet, she just...she was warm. Fearless in a different way, getting in trouble, pulling pranks, thought rules were meant to be broken. Sound familiar? But when she walked out of that building it was like that part of her was gone. I tried to comfort her, but she wouldn't tell me what went down in there.

Skye:
What did you say?

Coulson:
I said the words I thought she needed to hear.

May:
You can't undo what's been done. That will be with you, forever. But trying to hold on to this life, clinging to the person you thought you could be, that's hell. And you're dragging her down with you. You have to let go. Before my people come and make you do it. If you care about her, and I know you do, let her go. [Coulson, Ward and Sky arrive] Let the girl go, Tobias. Let the girl go.

Coulson:
What did you say to him?

May:
Same words you said to me in Bahrain.

Po:
I spoke with the Clairvoyant.

Raina:
And?

Po:
I'll share the information when the time is right.

Raina:
I would love to hear much more than just information. Will you tell me what he's like?

Po:
Never. The last person who tried to learn these things got a knife for it. I don't want to have to do that again, Raina. You have such pretty eyes.

May:
[to Skye] The truth is you have to decide why you're here. We have a mission, and it's not to find your parents. If you can't put aside your personal attachments, then you shouldn't be here!

Skye:
You made me a sandwich?

Simmons:
[with great emphasis] Yes, it is that!

Hand:
No single agent is that important.

Raina:
Now, after all you've sacrificed -

Coulson:
Sacrifice is part of the job. I would give my life -

Raina:
You didn't just give your life, you gave up your chance at a normal one, at love. And she did love you, Agent Coulson.

Coulson:
How could you know that?

Raina:
Do you miss her? Dinners at the Richmond. Do you miss hearing her play?

Coulson:
One thing before we start: what is it with the flowers?

Raina:
Who doesn't like flowers?

Ward:
Skye looks young enough to blend in.

Skye:
You’re not exactly Old Man River, and Fitz looks younger than us.

Fitz:
Time will come when you won’t make fun of me for that. You’ll be jealous. You’ll be jealous, wrinkly old hags.

Coulson:
Let me get that.

Simmons:
Oh. Thanks, Dad...who looks far too young to have a daughter my age.

Fitz:
How's your Scottish accent?

Skye:
[in a poor Scottish accent] I don't know. You tell me how great it is, laddie.

Fitz:
[in a perfect American accent] American, then.

Fitz:
[to Skye] You're the least supportive pretend girlfriend I've ever had.

Garrett:
Well, I'm a bit of a sweet talker when I need to be. [about Ward] You wouldn't believe what I could talk this son of a gun into.

Felix Blake:
You a scorpio? I was just wondering why our newest agent paired the two of us together. Must have thought we were compatible in some way.

May:
It was random, Blake.

Blake:
You seem like a scorpio.

May:
You don't believe in the Clairvoyant, but you believe in astrology.

Blake:
I have some theories of my own.

Hand:
The plan was flawed from the start.

Garrett:
Come on, Vic. The plan was solid.

Hand:
We have an agent down because we weren't prepared.

Garrett:
Blake knew the risks.

Hand:
And don't call me "Vic." - It's condescending.

Hand:
You got something to say, Agent Shaw?

Shaw:
Apologies, ma'am. I'm just having a hard time killing the people we once called friends.

Hand:
Once that encoded transmission went out, everything changed. You understand that, don't you? We swore allegiance to each other. And today, that loyalty will be tested. If you waver you die.

Coulson:
Fury would bury you for this.

Garrett:
Probably. Instead, he'll just have to roll over in his grave.

Coulson:
You really believe all that crap spreading death and destruction?

Garrett:
I wouldn't say I'm a true believer. Let's just say I felt the wind changing direction and swung my sail.

Garrett:
As for you, Agent Fitz, you'll hold a very high rank, run our tech division if you volunteer. If not, you'll have no rank and a lot of pain. Of course, either way, your services will be required.

Fitz:
You're gonna suffer for what you've done. And I I plan on being a very big part of that.

Garrett:
[chuckles] I like you, kid.

Raina:
You're not Clairvoyant?

Garrett:
Hardly. But if it's any consolation, you weren't alone in believing, not by a long shot.

Raina:
So you're a liar. You're a fraud.

Garrett:
An artist. A con artist, perhaps, but an artist all the same. Had to pull the wool over S.H.I.E.L.D.'s eyes somehow to do what we set out to do. Remember what that was?

Raina:
To change the world.

Garrett:
Why don't you take a seat and let me show you how we're doing that? Oh, don't worry. I wouldn't dream of letting Ernesto cut your hair.

[Raina takes a seat in the barber's chair]

Garrett:
[Leaning in with a smile] Welcome to Hydra.

Coulson:
Fury sent us these coordinates for a reason.

May:
And what reason is that?

Coulson:
[Losing control of his rage] I don't know, May! I don't know! There's got to be something here! This means something! This has to mean something! The world needs us! HYDRA is out there! We cannot let them win! We– we cannot let them define us! Do you understand that? We are not agents of nothing! We are agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and that still carries weight! It– It has to carry weight! After everything we've been through, THAT CARRIES WEIGHT!!!!

Eric Koenig:
So you're not gonna mention your grandfather?

Trip:
It's not something I advertise. Didn't want to be treated any different because I'm a legacy.

Eric Koenig:
If I was the grandson of a Howling Commando, I'd have that tattooed on my chest.

Hill:
[to the numerous agents surrounding her] 3 minutes and 20 seconds. Really? If you were my agents, it wouldn't be for long.

Trip:
We're not Hydra. We're agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Talbot:
Well, right now, to the rest of the world, that's the same thing.

Skye:
You think I don't want to watch him suffer?

Deathlok:
Not suffer. Die. Garrett doesn't think you're gonna let that happen.

Skye:
He's a murderer.

Deathlok:
Yes, he is. Are you?

Trip:
Sir, I bring the noise and the funk wherever I go.

Garrett:
You hear the dying breath of an old world, general, and a new world is coming. I've tasted it on my tongue.

Jacobs:
[pause] This is your strategy consultant?

Quinn:
He's...part time.