House, Season 1

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job.

Dr. Gregory House:
Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, "You can't always get what you want."

. . .

[later on]

Dr. Cuddy:
[to House] Oh, I looked into that philosopher you quoted? Jagger? And you're right. You can't always get what you want. But as it turns out, if you try sometimes, you get what you need.

Dr. House:
I'm angry! You're risking a patient's life.

Dr. Cuddy:
I assume those are two separate points.

Dr. House:
You see that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane.

Dr. Wilson:
Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us?

Dr. House:
I don't want them to think I'm a doctor.

Dr. House:
Everybody lies.

Dr. Cameron:
Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients.

Dr. Foreman:
Isn't treating patients why we became doctors?

Dr. House:
No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable.

Rebecca Adler:
I just want to die with a little dignity.

Dr. House:
There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it.

Rebecca Adler:
I wanted to thank Dr. House, but he never visited again.

Dr. Cameron:
He cured you. You didn't cure him.

Dr. Chase:
It doesn't necessarily have to be that bad. If we exclude the night terrors it could be something systemic: his liver, kidneys, something outside the brain.

Dr. House:
Yes, feel free to exclude any symptom if it makes your job easier.

Dr. House:
Thirty percent of all dads out there don't realize they're raising someone else's kid.

Dr. Foreman:
From what I've read false paternity is more like ten percent.

Dr. House:
That's what our moms would like us to believe.

Dr. Cameron:
Who cares? If he got it from his parents they'd both be dead by now, can we get on with the differential diagnosis?

Dr. House:
Fifty bucks says I'm right.

Dr. Foreman:
I'll take your money.

Dr. House:
Hit a nerve? Don't worry, Foreman, I'm sure the guy who tucked you in at night was your daddy.

Dr. Foreman:
Make it a hundred.

Dr. Cuddy:
[leaving the hospital wearing a tennis outfit with a very short skirt] What are you doing back here? A patient?

Dr. House:
No, a hooker. Went to my office instead of my home.

Dr. House:
[talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there - That is so embarrassing...

Dr. Cuddy:
How's your hooker doing?

Dr. House:
Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.

Patient's Mother:
How can you just sit there?

Dr. House:
If I eat standing up, I spill.

John Funsten:
You've caused me considerable mental distress.

Dr. House:
I certainly hope so.

Dr. House:
[to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Dr. Cuddy:
Short, sweet, grab a file.

Dr. House:
This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [emphasized to sound like "bored"] ...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.

[House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.]

Dr. House:
That is true, isn't it?

[He turns back to the crowd.]

Dr. House:
But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. [House reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pharmaceutical bottle.] This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?

[Everybody raises their hands]

Dr. House:
Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.

Dr. House:
What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.

Dr. Cameron:
I'm uncomfortable about sex.

Dr. Chase:
Well, we don't have to talk about this...

Dr. Cameron:
Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you're lifting three times your body weight. It's violent, it's ugly and it's messy, and if God hadn't made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. [pause to breathe deep and stare at each other] Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour-long orgasm?

[Foreman enters]

Dr. Cameron:
[grabs an apple and heads back to her seat] Hey, Foreman.

Dr. Foreman:
Occam's razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.

Dr. House:
And you think one is simpler than two?

Dr. Cameron:
I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.

Dr. House:
Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?

Dr. Foreman:
I think your argument is specious.

Dr. House:
I think your tie is ugly.

Dr. House:
Reality is almost always wrong.

Dr. House:
This is our fault. Doctors over-prescribing antibiotics. Got a cold? Take some penicillin. Sniffles? No problem. Have some azithromycin. Is that not working anymore? Well, got your Levaquin. Antibacterial soaps in every bathroom. We'll be adding vancomycin to the water supply soon. We bred these superbugs. They're our babies. And they're all grown up and they've got body piercings and a lot of anger.

Jill:
My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, but I can't seem to lose any weight.

Dr. House:
[while using an ultrasound] Lift up your arms.

Dr. House:
You have a parasite.

Jill:
Like a tapeworm or something?

Dr. House:
Lie back and lift up your sweater.

Dr. House:
You can put your arms down.

Jill:
Can you do anything about it?

Dr. House:
Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.

Jill:
Illegal?

Dr. House:
Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...

Jill:
Playdates?

Dr. House:
[shows the fetus to her] It has your eyes.

Jill:
No you see I'm on this birth control-

Dr. House:
I know, I saw the scar.

Jill:
And my doctor said I might not get any periods if it's working.

Dr. House:
You also don't get any periods if it isn't working.

Dr. House:
See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.

Dr. Cuddy:
Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

Dr. Wilson:
[referring to babies] I'm still amazed you're actually in the same room with a patient.

Dr. House:
People don't bug me until they get teeth.

Dr. House:
What the hell are those?

Dr. Cameron:
Candy canes.

Dr. House:
Candy canes? Are you mocking me?

Dr. Cameron:
No, i-it's Christmas and I, I thought...

Dr. House:
Relax, it's a joke.

Dr. House:
In ten seconds, I'm going to announce that I gave her [the patient] the wrong dosage.

Dr. Cuddy:
[Taken aback] You're going to admit negligence?

Dr. House:
Unless you leave the room, you'll have to testify as a witness. [Cuddy crosses her arms] Five, four, three, two... So there I was in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find and.... [Cuddy leaves quickly]

Nun:
Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.

Dr. House:
I thought that was a job requirement for you people.

Dr. House:
How is the nun?

Dr. Chase:
Which one?

Dr. House:
The cute one, I think she likes me. The sick one, obviously.

Sister Augustine:
Why is it so difficult for you to believe in God?

House:
What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief. Faith isn't based on logic and experience.

Sister Augustine:
I experience God on a daily basis...and the miracle of life all around--the miracle of birth, the miracle of love. He is always with me.

House:
Where is the miracle in delivering a crack-addicted baby? Hmm? Then watching her mother abandon her 'cause she needs another score. Miracle of love. You're over twice as likely to be killed by the person you love than by a stranger.

Sister Augustine:
Are you trying to talk me out of my faith?

House:
You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot. Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to get you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the street, I know you look both ways.

Lucas Palmero:
This is a good hospital?

Dr. House:
Depends what you mean by "good". [looks around] I like these chairs.

Dr. Foreman:
[Referring to Dr. House] He's really talking to a patient.

Dr. Chase:
I don't know who I am any more.

Dr. Chase:
[Referring to Dr. House] He likes crazy people. He likes the way they think.

Dr. Foreman:
They think... badly. That's the definition of... crazy.

Dr. Chase:
They're not boring. He likes that.

Dr. Cuddy:
Good morning, Dr. House.

Dr. House:
Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.

Dr. Cuddy:
Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.

Dr. House:
[Leaving quickly] Gotta go.

Dr. House:
You think I'm crazy.

Dr. Wilson:
Well, yeah, but that's not the problem. Didn't we just leave your office?

Dr. House:
I like to walk.

Dr. House:
Ah, my birthday. Normally I'd put on a festive hat and celebrate the fact that the Earth has circled the Sun one more time; I really didn't think it was going to make it this year, but darn it if it wasn't the little planet that could all over again.

Dr. House:
I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.

Dr. House:
Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritable recently.

Dr. Cameron:
And?

Dr. House:
I didn't know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.

Dr. Cameron:
Nice try, but you're a misanthrope, not a misogynist.

Dr. Foreman:
Why are you riding me?

Dr. House:
It's what I do...has it gotten worse lately?

Dr. Foreman:
Yeah. Seems to me.

Dr. House:
Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. 'Cause you were just as black last week.

Dr. House:
As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.

Dr. Wilson:
And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.

Dr. House:
So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!

Dr. House:
Last three months, same five ties. Thursday should be that paisley thing.

Dr. Wilson:
It's a gift from my wife!

Dr. House:
No it's not, Julie hates green. You bought that yourself. You want to look pretty, at work.[Pause, then in a sing-song tone] Wilson's got a girlfriend!

Dr. Foreman:
The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.

Dr. House:
That's the way calculus presents.

Dr. House:
I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell."

Dr. Chase:
I'm Australian.

Dr. House:
You put the Queen on your money; you're British.

Dr. Wilson:
[Reading a poem Georgia left for Dr. House] "The healer with his magic powers/I could rub his gentle brow for hours/His manly chest, his stubbled jaw/Everything about him leaves me raw—"

Dr. House:
Psych ward's upstairs.

Dr. Wilson:
"—with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same." It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.

Dr. House:
What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.

Dr. Wilson:
That's fairly disgusting.

Dr. House:
That's ageism.

Dr. Wilson:
You better watch yourself around this babe.

Dr. House:
[to Georgia] I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship. Learned that one the hard way.

Dr. House:
Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?

Adams:
Why?

Dr. House:
Because you irritate me.

Dr. House:
DNR means Do Not Resuscitate. It does not mean Do Not Treat!

Dr. House:
Like I always say, there's no "I" in "team." There is a "me," though, if you jumble it up.

Dr. House:
[to Dr. Foreman] You took a chance, you did something great. You were wrong, but it was still great. You should feel great that it was great. You should feel like crap that it was wrong. That's the difference between him and me; he thinks you do your job, and what will be will be. I think that what I do, and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night. He shouldn't.

Dr. House:
Okay, life sucks. Your life sucks more than most. It's not as bad as some, which is depressing all by itself. But do me a favor: just let me find out what's wrong with you.

John:
You don't risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything. One thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they don't got that One Thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music; you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else. No woman waiting at home after work with a drink and a kiss. That ain't gonna happen for us.

Dr. House:
That's why God made microwaves.

John:
Yeah. But when it's over... It's over.

John:
How many o' those pills you taking?

Dr. House:
...I'm in pain.

John:
Yeah. Aren't we all?

Student:
You're reading a comic book.

Dr. House:
And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.

[the student covers her chest with her clipboard]

Dr. House:
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.

Dr. Wilson:
You really don't need to know everything about everybody.

Dr. House:
I don't need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.

[House is snooping through Wilson's file to try finding out why Wilson is insisting on a homeless woman being treated]

Dr. Wilson:
You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also be translated as "limping twerp."

[House's pager starts beeping]

Dr. Wilson:
Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?

Dr. House:
Why can't both be true?

Dr. Chase:
You're joking.

Dr. House:
Well, hard not to - nothing funnier than cancer.

Dr. House:
Hey! He knows more homeless people than any of us! [to Foreman] Go check out the hood, dawg.

Dr. Cuddy:
You know, there are other ways to manage pain.

Dr. House:
Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?

[House has just admitted he is addicted to Vicodin.]

Dr. House:
I said I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.

Dr. Wilson:
That all you want? You have no relationships.

Dr. House:
I don't want any relationships.

Dr. Wilson:
You alienate people.

Dr. House:
I've been alienating people since I was three.

Dr. Wilson:
Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed over the last few years?

Dr. House:
Of course I have. I've...I've gotten older. My hair's got thinner. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.

Dr. Wilson:
No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're afraid to face yourself-

Dr. House:
[slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!

Dr. Wilson:
[pause] And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?

Dr. House:
They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.

Dr. House:
His liver is shutting down.

Father:
What? What does that mean?

Dr. House:
Means he's all better, he can go home.

Father:
What?

Dr. House:
What do you think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.

Father:
What is your problem?

Dr. House:
Bum leg, what's yours?

Dr. Cuddy:
You're addicted.

Dr. House:
If the pills ran my life, I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy calendaring what I can't do.

Dr. House:
I take risks; sometimes patients die. But not taking risks causes more patients to die, so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.

Patient #3:
I can't get my contact lenses out-

Dr. House:
Out of what? They're not in your eyes.

Patient #3:
But they're red.

Dr. House:
That's because you're trying to remove your corneas. [moves to next patient] What's wrong with you?

Patient #4:
Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that...

Dr. House:
Yeah, yeah. Symptoms, [gestures at Cuddy] we're working on a personal best here.

Patient #4:
Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation...

Dr. House:
And?

Dr. Cuddy:
Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his private matters...

Dr. House:
Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee!

[to patient]

Dr. House:
You're a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you're either dipping into your own supply, or you've got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab's probably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12.

[moves to college student]

Dr. House:
Who's left?

College Student:
I can't see. [House and Cuddy look appalled] Nah, I'm just screwing with you. [House looks at Cuddy, who smiles] It's a hangover, my English Lit professor told me he'd fail me next time if I didn't show up with a doctor's note.

Dr. House:
Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off.

[he looks at the clock and walks out]

Dr. Cameron:
Would you give up a baby for someone you love?

Dr. House:
Please tell me I don't have to decide. Depends, how long would they live?

Dr. Cameron:
Is this a pragmatic question for you?

Dr. House:
Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is seven years, eight months, and 14 days.

Lola:
He drops clean urine, denies using steroids, and you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?

Dr. House:
No, no, it's not. No, it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. Basically, at a molecular level, it's just milk.

[Lola leaves]

Dr. House:
[to Foreman] How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?

Dr. Cuddy:
You put him on Lupron.

Dr. House:
Uh-huh.

Dr. Cuddy:
And, you told them it was like milk.

Dr. House:
Yes.

Dr. Cuddy:
Is there any way in which that is not a lie?

Dr. House:
It's creamy. But, I had three reasons.

Dr. Cuddy:
Good ones?

Dr. House:
Well, we'll see in a minute; I'm just making them up now.

Dr. House:
We have managed to find the only sportsman in the galaxy who is not on steroids!

Dr. Chase:
How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?

Dr. House:
I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.

Dr. Chase:
[about his father] I don't hate him. I loved him until I figured out it hurts a lot less to just not care. You don't expect him to turn up to your football match? No disappointments. You don't expect a call on your birthday, don't expect to see him for months? No disappointments. You want us to go make up? Sink a few beers together, nice family hug? I've given him enough hugs. He's given me enough disappointments.

Dr. Wilson:
You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right: don't talk to the people involved. Drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation.

Dr. House:
You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.

Dr. Wilson:
God! Even I don't like you.

Dr. House:
You know, words can hurt.

Dr. Cameron:
Parents are never as bad as kids think they are.

Dr. House:
You can't tell Chase but I can. What shall I do?

Dr. Wilson:
Oh...This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part.

[The hospital's just been bought by billionaire drug mogul Edward Vogler]

Dr. House:
No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator with blood. Boys' choirs. Those are bad omens. This is much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.

Dr. Wilson:
Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.

Dr. House:
And the reason you want respect...?

Dr. Wilson:
To... get laid.

Dr. House:
In about an hour there's going to be an emergency meeting with the transplant committee to discuss where you fall on the list should a new heart become available. Problem is, I am required to tell the committee about your bulimia, it's a major psychological condition, ranks up there with suicidal. Means you're a very bad risk.

Carly:
So you're here to tell me I have just a few hours to live?

Dr. House:
Unless I lie to the committee. But if they find out, I lose my medical license.

[silence]

Dr. House:
This would be a very good time to offer me a bribe. How much is your life worth? How much is my job worth?

Dr. House:
You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities?

Dr. Wilson:
Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.

Carly:
Why did you fight for me? You risked so much and you hardly know me.

Dr. House:
You're my patient. Don't screw it up.

[Vogler has reason to believe House lied during the transplant committee meeting]

Vogler:
This is not a game, Dr. House.

Dr. House:
No, it's actually more like we're dancing right now. So let's get to the point. You don't like me. I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna like you. It's nothing personal, I don't like anybody.

Bill:
His name's Joey, he's my only brother.

Dr. House:
He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him, we'll use the real medicine.

Dr. Chase:
You can trust me.

Dr. House:
Problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help.

Dr. House:
Need the lawyer.

Vogler:
Who'd you kill?

Dr. House:
Nobody, but it's not even lunch.

Dr. House:
We're a bit of a specialized hospital. We generally only deal with patients when they're actually sick.

Dr. Cameron:
I don't have the right to show interest in someone?

Dr. Foreman:
You absolutely do, and I absolutely have the right to humiliate you for it.

Dr. Wilson:
The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large, at least thirty pounds.

Lucille:
Oh, God.

Dr. House:
It's actually a personal record for this clinic.

Lucille:
I'm not pregnant.

Dr. House:
Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.

Lucille:
This is what a woman is supposed to look like. We're not just skin and bones - we have flesh. We have curves.

Dr. House:
You have little people inside you.

Lucille:
[Looks angrily]

Dr. House:
Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I guess I must have just been brainwashed by the media... and all those years of medical training.

Dr. House:
Physician-patient confidentiality protects me from annoying conversations.

Dr. House:
Figures you'd try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is, the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to.

Dr. Cameron:
Figures you'd stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn't go away just because you want it to.

Dr. Cuddy:
In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!

Dr. House:
Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.

Dr. Cameron:
[giving differential diagnosis] Idiopathic T-cell deficiency?

Dr. House:
Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it. Give him a whole body scan.

Dr. Cameron:
You hate whole body scans.

Dr. House:
'Cause they're useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets.

[House leaves]

Dr. Cameron:
I hate sports metaphors.

Senator:
What will the voters think? If they find out I've had a b-b-brain biopsy?

Dr. House:
This could leave you b-b-b-b-brain damaged...and you're worried about NASCAR dads?

Dr. House:
[to black Senator] You're not going to become President either way. They don't call it the White House because of the paint job.

Dr. House:
Ed Vogler is a brilliant businessman, a brilliant judge of people, and a man who has never lost a fight. You know how I know that the new ACE inhibitor is good? Because the old one was good. The new one is really the same, it's just more expensive. A lot more expensive. See, that's another example of Ed's brilliance. Whenever one of his drugs is about to lose its patent he has his boys and girls alter it just a tiny bit and patent it all over again. Making not just a pointless new pill, but millions and millions of dollars. Which is good for everybody, right? Except for the patients. Psht. Who cares? They're just so damn sick. God obviously never liked them anyway.

Dr. House:
She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. Now I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.

Rachel Kaplan:
Well there's this diet we put her on when she stopped breast feeding...

Andrew Kaplan:
But it's healthy, um, raw food. We're vegans. Almond milk, tofu, uh, vegetables...

Dr. House:
Raw food... If only her ancestors had mastered the secret of fire. Babies need fat, proteins, calories. Less important: sprouts and hemp. Starving babies is bad and illegal in many cultures. I'm having her admitted.

Dr. House:
Don't worry, it's a vegan I.V.

Dr. Wilson:
I have no kids, my marriage sucks... I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship, and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech.

Dr. House:
They matter... If I could do it all again—

Dr. Wilson:
—you'd do the exact same thing.

[House nods]

Dr. House:
Any vote to revoke my tenure has to be unanimous. I've got you and maybe even Cuddy.

Dr. Wilson:
Oh, well that settles it. Mr. Ruthless Corporate Raider will be stymied, go home, curl up on the floor of his shower and weep.

Vogler:
It's the same motion as yesterday people, same reasons. All those in favor of dismissing Gregory House raise a hand.

[all present apart from Cuddy raise their hands]

Vogler:
[sighs] Dr. Cuddy, you realize this is going to happen.

Dr. Cuddy:
I can't do it.

Vogler:
You can't abstain.

Dr. Cuddy:
I'm not abstaining, I'm voting no.

Vogler:
You've changed your mind since yesterday?! What did he do, buy you dinner and roses, threaten to drown your dog?

Dr. Cuddy:
He did his job.

Vogler:
[sarcastically] Right, he saved another life.

Dr. Cuddy:
Maybe.

Vogler:
Good for him, it's great, it's not the point.

Dr. Cuddy:
It's what we do.

Vogler:
And you could do it a lot better if you didn't have to worry about some madman running around the hospital accountable to no-one.

Dr. Cuddy:
But that's not the choice you're giving us!

Vogler:
[cutting in] House won't listen to anyone...

Dr. Cuddy:
[cutting in] And you're not accountable to anyone either, because you think you own us.

Vogler:
[sighs] I move for the immediate dismissal of Doctor Lisa Cuddy.

Board member:
She's upset, we all are. [to Cuddy] Why would you risk your career to save him?

Dr. Cuddy:
If you think House deserves to go, if you think I deserve to go, Wilson deserved to go then vote yes. But if you're doing this because you are afraid of losing his money, then he's right, he does own you. [gets up to go] You have a choice, maybe the last real one you'll have here. [leaves]

Dr. House:
I saw the light on.

Dr. Cameron:
It's daytime.

Dr. House:
Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal.

[pause]

Dr. Cameron:
Got a new cane.

Dr. House:
Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe...

Dr. Cameron:
Why are you here?

Dr. House:
Vogler is dead.

Dr. Cameron:
What? What happened?

Dr. House:
Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea. Mr. Destructo. Mr. Money Bags, "Bow down before me"; he's gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.

Dr. Cameron:
The way they were was kinda weird.

Dr. House:
Ehh...weird works for me.

Dr. Cameron:
What are you saying? Literally?

Dr. House:
I want you to come back.

Dr. Cameron:
Why?

[House's beeper goes off, Cameron crosses her arms]

Dr. House:
Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing...

Dr. Cameron:
Could you look at your pager?

[he does]

Dr. House:
It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.

Dr. Cameron:
You should go, it's important.

Dr. House:
What I'm doing now is important.

Dr. Cameron:
Why do you want me back?

Dr. House:
Because you're a good doctor.

Dr. Cameron:
That's it?

Dr. House:
That's not enough?

Dr. Cameron:
Not for me. Go deal with your plague.

[she shuts the door in his face]

[House walks into hospital and sees room full of possible epidemic patients and turns around towards exit]

Dr. Cuddy:
Dr. House! We need you here.

Dr. House:
Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.

Dr. House:
[Walking into his office, where Wilson is waiting with another job applicant] Sorry. I was taking a dump.

Dr. Petra Gilmar:
Well I guess I'm better off interviewing right after than right before.

[Dr House and Dr Wilson exchange a surprised glance]

Dr. House:
You Jewish?

Dr. Petra Gilmar:
[Keeping her cool] Yes.

Dr. House:
Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?

Dr. Wilson:
[Desperate to change the subject] Uh, uh—

Dr. Petra Gilmar:
Two hours of begging?

Dr. House:
I heard four.

Dr. Petra Gilmar:
Well, actually I'm only half Jewish. [After a significant, impressed pause from House and Wilson] Look, I know you like to play games, push buttons. I have four brothers. Long as you keep your hands to yourself, I'm okay with anything that comes out of your mouth.

[After they shake hands and she escorts herself out]

Dr. Wilson:
That's our Hitler!!

Dr. House:
No. Did you see her shoes?

Dr. Wilson:
Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?

Dr. House:
The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.

Dr. Wilson:
They were Prada, which means she has good taste.

Dr. House:
They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.

Dr. Wilson:
Okay, well... they were nice, pointy.

Dr. Wilson:
You had the perfect person, and you blew it.

Dr. House:
You saw the shoes!

Dr. Wilson:
I'm not talking about her.

Dr. House:
You're talking about Cameron.

Dr. Wilson:
I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about.

Dr. House:
Cameron is so not perfect.

Dr. Wilson:
Nobody's perfect.

Dr. House:
Mother Theresa?

Dr. Wilson:
Dead.

Dr. House:
Angelina Jolie?

Dr. Wilson:
No medical degree.

Dr. House:
Oh, so now who's being picky?

Dr. Wilson:
You're not going to be happy with anyone.

Dr. House:
So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?

Dr. Wilson:
No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.

Dr. Cameron:
[Referring to Dr. House] He agreed to go on a date with me.

Dr. Foreman:
A date? Date, dinner and a movie, naked and sweaty date?

Dr. Cameron:
He only committed to the first two.

Ramona:
My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.

Dr. House:
Not anymore.

Dr. House:
Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.

Dr. Cuddy:
Well...

Dr. House:
Actually, it was your blouse I was talking to.

Dr. Wilson:
[House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.

Dr. House:
This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.

Dr. Wilson:
Open doors for her, help her with her chair...

Dr. House:
I have been on a date.

Dr. Wilson:
Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A.: her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me — panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.

Dr. House:
[sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?

Dr. Wilson:
Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.

Dr. House:
I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.

[House moves to the kitchen]

Dr. Wilson:
And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter.

Dr. Cameron:
I have one evening with you, one chance. And I don't want to waste it talking about what movies you like or what wines you hate. I want to know how you feel—about me.

Dr. House:
You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great-looking, I'm not charming; I'm not even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged.

Dr. House:
Would you operate on your mother?

Medical student #2:
Of course not. I'd be too nervous, couldn't be objective.

Dr. House:
Then why are you so anxious to treat everyone like they were family?

Dr. House:
I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is, doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.

Dr. Wilson:
Do you think he was dead? Do you think those experiences were real?

Dr. House:
Define real. They were real experiences. What they meant... Personally, I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see, visions, this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.

Dr. Foreman:
You choose to believe that?

Dr. House:
There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.

Dr. Cameron:
You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?

Dr. House:
I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.

Dr. House:
It is in the nature of medicine that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession. Or finish medical school and teach.

Dr. House:
I like my leg. I've had it for as long as I can remember.

Dr. Cameron:
[Coffee mug in hand, standing next to the whiteboard with one arm draped over it] Foreman! Are you going to contribute, or are you too tired from stealing cars? [Foreman and Chase stare at her] I'm being House. It's funny.

Dr. Foreman:
[Deadpan] I know. You made milk come out of my nose.

Stacy:
I’m not over you. You were, you were the one, you always will be. But I can’t be with you.

Dr. House:
So I’m the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can never be the guy.

Stacy:
What's great about you is that you think you're right, what's frustrating about you is you're right so much of the time.

Dr. House:
Straight from the bladder, that's as fresh as it gets.

Dr. House:
You know we should do things, throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff.

Mark:
We could go for a run together.

Dr. House:
OH! It's Oscar Wilde!

Stacy:
Wow, this pissing contest is really turning me on.

Dr. House:
Here's to women. Can't live with them, can't kill them and tell the neighbors they're stripping in Atlantic City.

Mark:
Damn straight. [they chug their beers, trying to finish first]

Dr. House:
I'm definitely taller.

Mark:
I have more hair.