House, Season 4

Dr. House:
You test drive a car before you buy it; you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?

Dr. House:
Imagine that the roof of the storage closet collapses on your favorite floor buffer, which then starts overheating.

Janitor:
Why would I have a favorite floor buffer? [House looks at him] Okay... maybe the electrical works got banged up in there from stuff falling on it.

Dr. House:
Hmm, interesting. Brain damage leading to hypothalamic disregulation. Nah, if you're brought in covered with rubble it's all about the MRI's, we would've seen that. C'mon! Gotta earn that fiver.

Janitor:
Or stuff [points to his bottle of cleaning fluid] leaked in the holes, messin' it up.

Dr. House:
Lacerations lead to multiple portals for infection. Bacterial would've responded to the antibiotics, [indicates "fever" written on the white board] it's too high for viral. Parasites or fungus is possible.

Janitor:
Or maybe lupus. [House stops writing and stares at the guy] My grandma has lupus.

Dr. House:
Okay, autoimmune. I'll run a lupus panel. Infection fits best. [picks up his cane from the board] A complete history would be helpful, which leads to the worst part of the job: dealing with the floor buffer's family.

Dr. House:
[to Dr. Wilson] Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe?

Dr. Wilson:
Yeah, in the end they release the hostages. How's that working for you?

Dr. House:
The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.

Dr. Wilson:
Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.

Dr. House:
[switches on Wilson's TiVo] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need ten of them?

Dr. Wilson:
It's a... it's a Telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.

Dr. House:
Well, say adios.

Dr. Wilson:
Are you erasing my Tivo? House! Not the season finale!

Dr. House:
I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.

Dr. Wilson:
Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.

Dr. House:
Bring it on!

Dr. Wilson:
You stole my patient.

Dr. House:
You kidnapped my guitar.

Dr. Wilson:
Give him back.

Dr. House:
Only when you give her back.

Dr. Wilson:
It's a she?

Dr. House:
Well, it's certainly not a dude.

Dr. Wilson:
It's a guitar! You took a human being!

Dr.House:
Now who doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dr. House:
[Speaks while strumming his guitar] Sometimes, I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations, but sometimes, I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning and illegal, and you'll often be right. Look to your left, and now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone, as well as twenty-eight more of you. Wear a cup. [Plays a chord]

Dr. House:
Who is this man? Come on, take a shot! I'm not gonna fire you every time you give a wrong answer.

Applicant #23:
Neville Chamberlain?

Dr. House:
You're fired.

Dr. House:
As far as you're concerned, the patient is Osama bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?

Applicant #11:
We're protecting Osama bin Laden?

Dr. House:
It's a metaphor. Get used to it.

Applicant #24:
Aren't we going to discuss what caused the sudden appearance of burnt flesh? He [Applicant #6] brought charged paddles into an oxygenated room!

Dr. House:
Well, you didn't stop him. Means either you thought it was a chance worth taking, making you a hypocrite, or you thought he'd fail, making you a cut-throat little pixie.

Dr. House:
I fired you!

Applicant #6:
[wearing his number upside down] No, you didn't.

Applicant #24:
He fired you. You're number 6.

Applicant #6:
No, I'm not. I'm number 9.

Dr. House:
I approve of your shamelessness. You're still fired.

Dr. House:
So tell me about the magic underwear.

Applicant #18:
Is that why you're here?

Dr. House:
I'm the big drinker, doing my part for science. The interesting question is why your religious beliefs are suddenly less important than her dreams.

Applicant #18:
You're reversing your argument?

Dr. House:
I know what I believe, I'm just not quite sure what you believe.

Applicant #18:
Well, LDS doesn't try to dictate every detail of our lives. When a situation isn't clear, we're encouraged to make our own decisions.

Dr. House:
But your judgement was to say "no". You used my judgement.

Applicant #18:
You made a good argument.

Dr. House:
Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there would be no religious people.

Applicant #18:
You're an atheist.

Dr. House:
Only on Christmas and Easter, the rest of the time it doesn't really matter.

Applicant #18:
Where's the fun in that? A finite un-mysterious universe-?

Dr. House:
It's not about fun, it's about the truth.

Dr. Volakis:
He said he'd be here by three, he's obviously not coming. [removes her runners bib and starts to leave] I'm going home.

Dr. Jeffrey Cole:
Nobody follow her. She "pied pipered" nine people right out of a job last week.

Thirteen:
Patient has spinal muscular atrophy. It's genetic, incurable. This is not a diagnostic mystery.

Dr. House:
You have just given a state secret to the enemy.

Thirteen:
What enemy?

Dr. House:
New patient, new rules. Today you're gonna split yourselves into two teams. The first to figure out what's threatening to deprive the patient of the twenty or so miserable years he's got left with SMA gets to keep their jobs. Take off your numbers, you look stupid. I think I know who you are by now.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
Wait, how do you want us to split up?

Dr. House:
Good question [pauses, forgetting Dr. Kutner's name] …overly-excited former foster kid. There's ten of you, I was thinking six against six. No, wait…

Twin 15A:
How 'bout women versus men.

Dr. House:
Excellent suggestion…fat twin. More interesting than "evens versus odds", less interesting than "shirts against skins". If your sex organs dangle - you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing - you're the Yanks.

Dr. Volakis:
Dr. House, I'd like to be on the men's team.

Dr. House:
Do your sex organs dangle, Cutthroat Bitch?

Dr. Volakis:
Not yet.

Dr. Henry Dobson:
We're not okay.

Dr. Volakis:
I get it - you don't like me because maybe I'm a little bit competitive.

Dr. Dobson:
Manipulative.

Dr. Kutner:
"Cutthroat Bitch" is your official title.

[Dr. House walks into Dr. Cuddy's office and sits down. There is long pause.]

Dr. Cuddy:
Why are you here?

Dr. House:
My office is being used by my teams.

Dr. Cuddy:
Teams?

Dr. House:
...Which means this is the only place where you can yell at me.

Dr. Cuddy:
You have teamS?

Dr. House:
Two of them. I wanted to deal with the yelling today because I noticed what you were wearing and I wouldn't have to listen all that closely.

Dr. Cuddy:
You can't make a competition out of patient care.

Dr. House:
Without competition we'd still be single-celled organisms. Can I go now?

Dr. Cuddy:
Not until after the yelling. What's wrong with him?

Dr. House:
I have seven of the finest minds on it, along with three very special-

Dr. Cuddy:
You wouldn't be doing this unless you already knew-

Dr. House:
Ah-ah, if I tell you, you tell them. Game's over.

Dr. Cuddy:
If you know you are obligated to treat-

Dr. House:
Well, then in that case I don't know. Why would a a guy voluntarily shove a metal object into an electrical socket?

Dr. Cuddy:
I'm getting closer and closer to knowing the answer. What would happen if I shut down this game?

Dr. House:
I'd fire them all, hire forty new fellowship applicants, and start the game all over again.

Dr. House:
Who are you, Thirteen?

Thirteen:
My name's in the file.

Dr. House:
Fact that you won't answer my question tells me more about you than answers could.

Thirteen:
No it doesn't. We turned the thing up to 95 degrees-

Dr. House:
You think that not answers tell me anything?

Thirteen:
Sure, just not as much as actual answers, that's why they're called answers.

Dr. House:
They tell me you're hiding something.

Thirteen:
Tells you I'm hiding everything.

Dr. House:
Tells me you got something worth hiding. Is it Turkish prison? Gay porn? You killed a man just because he was asking too many questions?

Dr. Taub:
[asking if Dobson isn't a doctor] You said one of us wasn't a doctor, and you called him a fraud.

Dr. House:
He's not a doctor. Continue, Bos.

Dobson:
Could be an STD...

Dr. Taub:
Why isn't he fired?

Dr. House:
[starts randomly pressing buttons on the phone] Oh, you're breaking up! I'm going into a tunnel. Dark Religious Nut,...

Dr. Cole:
[surprised] What did you call me?

Dr. House:
I'm sorry. What do you people want to be called this week?

Dr. Cole:
Cole.

Dr. House:
Well, I'm never going to remember that. Take Bosley and the other visible minorities to the funeral home. The rest of you young, white people - the world is your oyster. An MRI with contrast, EEG, LP and blood panel. And Angels, be careful. [hangs up]

Dr. Cameron:
[about Dr. Cole] Just because he's religious, doesn't mean he won't kick your ass.

Dr. House:
You wanna bet?

Dr. Cameron:
No, I want you to stop being such a jerk to him.

Dr. House:
One hundred dollars.

[Dr. Cameron stops leaning on the desk]

Dr. House:
Smart call. That guy's a wuss. He'll be the next one on the train.

Dr. Cameron:
Define "kick your ass".

Dr. House:
Any physical confrontation...

Dr. Cameron:
...Or verbal.

Dr. House:
Define "verbal".

Dr. Cameron:
Anything over... 70 decibels. And you can't start suddenly being nice to him!

Dr. House:
You realize what you're encouraging here?

Dr. Cameron:
[smiles] Yeah, someone kicking your ass.

Dr. Cuddy:
How many of them agreed to dig up a grave?

Dr. House:
Six. But don't worry, the one who didn't didn't stand on principle. He just had a diaper to change. I really think there are no bad choices in this group.

Dr. House:
You guys don't wipe your feet when you come in the house? [hands Dr. Taub a mop] Doctors' lounge, let's go.

Dr. Taub:
Why me?

Dr. House:
Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it; that would be insensitive.

Dr. Cole:
What do you want us to do?

Dr. House:
The question is... what would Joseph Smith do?

Dr. Cole:
This isn't the time for--

Dr. House:
Casting out the demons?

Dr. Cole:
The patient's not possessed, she's dying. You can mock me tomorrow.

Dr. House:
You believe that the book has all the answers.

Dr. Cole:
To morality, not science!

Dr. House:
But the book is inconsistent with science. Do you know how many epileptics were tortured because they were "possessed"? How many teenage witches were stoned to death because they took mushrooms?

Dr. Cole:
Just shut up already! We've got a patient dying!

Dr. House:
You either gotta prescribe an exorcism, or admit to me that Smith was a horny fraud--

[Dr. Cole turns around and punches House in the face, to the shock of everybody in the room.]

Dr. Volakis:
[after a moment of silence] I know what she has.

Dr. House:
You couldn't have spoken up ten seconds ago? You could've saved me a hundred bucks.

Dr. Cameron:
[After winning a $100 bet] Cash will be fine.

Dr. House:
I bet you say that to all the guys.

Dr. House:
I decided you're right. You're obviously in an impossible position. There's no point in me humiliating you.

Dr. Foreman:
Thanks.

Dr. House:
... so I'm gonna humiliate Cuddy - until she fires you.

Dr. Foreman:
The guy's faking. It's Munchausen's. You noticed the EMT runsheet? The paramedic who brought him in is also named Martin Harris.

Dr. House:
Well, if the name was Atilla von Wienerschnitzel, I'd say you might be onto something.

Dr. Foreman:
Giovannini's?

Dr. House:
Do you know another mirror syndrome?

Dr. Taub:
You're risking our patient's life, just to get back at Cuddy?

Dr. House:
Whaaaaaaaaat? No. That would be childish. This is what I'm doing to get back at Cuddy. [in the clinic waiting room] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? [many people raise their hands] Michael Moore was right. MRI’s, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!

Dr. House:
War doesn't end until Foreman's gone.

Dr. Cuddy:
Foreman's not going anywhere.

Dr. House:
And I know when my Vicodin isn't Vicodin. Do you know when your birth control pills aren't birth control pills?

[Cuddy and House are talking to the patient who is always "mirroring" the most dominant person around him, trying to figure out if Cuddy or House is the more powerful.]

Dr. Cuddy:
Hi. I'm the Dean of Medicine.

Dr. House:
Hi. I'm the guy who saved your life.

Dr. Wilson:
[observing outside with Dr. Foreman] So what if it's House?

Dr. Foreman:
Then I take the job at Mount Zion.

Dr. Wilson:
There is no job at Mount Zion.

Dr. Foreman:
House said...

Dr. Wilson:
Well, if House said it, it must be true.

Dr. Cuddy:
I can fire him. I can fire him now. I can fire him tomorrow. I don't even need a re-

Dr. House:
She doesn't fire me. She never WILL fire me. She needs me -

Dr. Cuddy:
He's a good doctor, that's all. I respect his expertise and I -

Dr. House:
She's hot for me.

Patient:
Shut up.

Dr. Cuddy:
Well, that could have been either of us.

Patient:
You have great ya-boos.

Dr. Cuddy:
[Trying] Still could have been either of us.

Dr. House:
[Smiles] You lose. [Starts victory dance]

Dr. Cuddy:
Seriously, I have always thought my breasts were one of my best features.

Dr. Foreman:
[seeing House doing his victory dance from outside the room] Damn.

Dr. Cole:
That your breakfast?

Dr. House:
Technically it's Wilson's lunch.

Dr. Terzi:
This is Dr. Sidney Curtis from the Mayo Clinic, he's also agreed to help with the diagnosis.

Dr. Curtis:
[shakes hands with House] Dr. House.

Dr. House:
"Curtis on Immunology" Sidney Curtis?

Dr. Curtis:
[pleased] Oh, you've read it?

Dr. House:
Nope, but it is keeping my piano level.

Dr. Terzi:
I'm afraid there are going to be some limitations on his medical history. Just let me know what you need and I should be able to provide it.

Dr. House:
FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies.

Dr. Terzi:
That's fine. X-Files are in the next wing over.

Dr. Curtis:
Where was the patient when he first fell ill?

Dr. Terzi:
Sorry, that's classified, but assume there aren't too many places in the world John hasn't been, and yes - "John"'s a cover name.

Dr. Curtis:
And what makes you think it was an attempt on his life?

Dr. Terzi:
Sorry, can't tell you that either.

Dr. Curtis:
Well, what can you tell us?

Dr. House:
Yeah, did Oswald really have sex with Marilyn Monroe?

House:
Who were you going to kill in Bolivia? My old housekeeper?

Dr. Terzi:
We don't kill people.

House:
I'm sorry - who were you going to marginalize? If it is my housekeeper, she has it coming. Cleaning the windows means cleaning both sides. Am I right or am I right?

Dr. Cameron:
When - when you were dying, you tried to infect me, because you knew I'd fight for you if I thought I was dying, too.

Dr. Foreman:
You're bringing this up now so I'll forgive you for messing with my patient?

Dr. Cameron:
I'm happy I changed jobs. But, I know I'll never have that sort of... excitement.

Dr. Foreman:
You miss people trying to kill you?

Dr. Cameron:
No, I miss people doing whatever it takes to get the job done. [slight pause, Foreman nods] I guess that's why I'm having trouble giving it up.

Dr. House:
[about Dr. Terzi] I think she might be an idiot.

Dr. Wilson:
Who?

Dr. House:
She can't be an idiot! She's in the CIA, for god's sake!

Dr. Wilson:
The Bay of Pigs was a daring triumph?

[About Dr. Terzi]

House:
She's making me an idiot.

Wilson:
That's cute. You have a crush.

House:
No, I think it's something systematic.

Wilson:
Thirteen's pretty. You're obviously okay with her.

House:
She killed a patient.

Wilson:
The bitch is pretty.

House:
The bitch is a bitch.

Wilson:
Ask her out.

House:
The bitch? She's a bitch.

Wilson:
No, the one that's making you an idiot. It's the story of life. Boy meets girl. Boy gets stupid. Boy and girl live stupidly ever after.

[The movie crew is interviewing Cameron in the ER while she works on a patient]

Director:
So, before you worked here in the ER you worked for House, right?

Dr. Cameron:
Three and a half years.

Director:
Why did you leave?

ER Patient:
Hey, I - I don't want to be on TV. I'm not signing a release.

Director:
We'll blur you out.

Dr. Cameron:
[to the patient] Take off your pants.

ER Patient:
[to the director] Will you be able to use any of this if I start swearing?

Director:
Did House treat you as badly as he treats his current fellows?

Dr. Cameron:
Loaded question.

ER Patient:
Faaaarrrkk! [chuckles] That's not even a word. [giggles] Fork!

Director:
[sarcastically] Very clever.

Dr. Cameron:
I learned how to be a doctor from House. Or, at least a doctor who learned how to be a doctor from House, if that makes any sense.

Director:
And you left his team because... you couldn't stand him anymore?

Dr. Cameron:
[distracted] No, no, I - I love Dr. House.

Director:
[surprised] Now that's something we haven't heard.

Dr. Cameron:
I mean, [slight pause] what did you ask me, again?

Director:
Why you left.

Dr. Cameron:
[confused, stuttering] I - I loved being... around him. Professionally, you know he was always... stimulating [realising what she just said] - not in the erotic sense of the word!

ER Patient:
[giggling] Fork. They forked. And then they spooned.

Dr. Wilson:
Can I see that again?

Dr. House:
And what did you miss? She screwed up, I....

Dr. Wilson:
No, just the part when she leans forward, I think you can see through her dress.

Dr. House:
We can try and pretend we're above it or we can try and intellectualize it away, but ultimately, shiny, pretty, perky things are good, [pause] and ugly, misshapen teenage boys are repulsive.

Director:
The question was, "Do you resent Dr. Cuddy's interference in your practice?"

Dr. House:
Oh. Well then I guess my answer wasn't very helpful, was it?

Dr. House:
Actual magic is oxymoronic. [pause] Might not even be oxy.

Flynn:
The fun is in not knowing. [Dr. House appears to cut the magician's IV line, the magician looks worried]

House:
The fun is in knowing. [He shows the magician his intact IV line, showing that he cut a piece of plastic tubing]

Flynn:
[exclaims] Oh, my head! Oh! I have a headache.

Dr. House:
How bad? Is it new?

Flynn:
Oh! It's not too bad. I'll take one of these. [pretends to have a pill bottle in his hand, and pours out two real pills in his hand.]

Dr. House:
Hm? Vicodin. [Dr. House pulls out his actual pill bottle, and shakes it, hearing nothing shaking in it]

Flynn:
People come to my show because they want a sense of wonder. They want to experience something they can't explain.

Dr. House:
If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder.

Dr. House:
I finally have a case of lupus.

Thirteen:
What the hell is this?

Dr. House:
Looks like an envelope with the results for the genetic test for Huntington's inside.

Thirteen:
Did you look?

Dr. House:
Thought it would be fun to find out together.

Thirteen:
I don't want to know.

Dr. House:
No, you're afraid to know.

Thirteen:
I might die. So could you. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, the only difference is you don't have to know about it today, so why should I?

Dr. House:
I don't have to know the lottery numbers, but if someone offered them to me I'd take them.

Thirteen:
You spend your whole life looking for answers, because you think the next answer will change something, maybe make you a little less miserable. And you know that when you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers, you run out of hope. You glad you know that?

Dr. House:
What makes you so sure that drugs are a mask for something else?

Thirteen:
Drugs are always a mask for something else.

Dr. House [pauses] That's the dumbest thing I have heard in my life.

[Thirteen leaves, Dr. House awards her extra points on the scoreboard]

Dr. House:
You have three choices in life: be good, get good or give up. You've gone for column D. [Turns to the patient] Why? [Patient sighs] The simple answer is "If you don't try, you can't fail".

Dr. Wilson:
Dying's easy. Living's hard!

Dr. House:
That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded.

Dr. House:
[places record in record player] A little mood music, build the suspense.

Dr. Kutner:
Sounds more folky.

Dr. House:
You seriously have no idea when to shut up, do you? Amber! Please stand.

Dr. Volakis:
You didn't call me a bitch... is that bad?

[She stands]

Dr. House:
You play the game better than anybody else here. [Dr. Volakis smiles.] But for the wrong reasons.

Dr. Volakis:
Reasons don't matter. Results are the only thing...

Dr. House:
You were wrong. [beat] Twenty years ago, [points to the record player] this was recorded by Jim Moskowitz. Who later became known as Jimmy Quidd. Loves kids, apparently has a heart, perhaps even a soul. If you're gonna work for me, you have to be willing to be wrong, willing to lose. 'Cause you just did. [somberly] You're fired.

[Dr. Volakis doesn't protest. She nods tearfully. The other look at her sympathetically. She sits heavily back down.]

Dr. Cuddy:
Hire a woman, too.

Dr. House:
Hire two women.

Dr. Cuddy:
You can have the one that gives a crap about people.

Dr. House:
[seriously] They both do.

Dr. Cuddy:
Right. Hire Thirteen. [Dr. House nods obediently. Dr. Cuddy starts to walk off. An evil smile forms on Dr. House's face. Dr. Cuddy stops midway to the door, suddenly understanding.] This was your plan all along.

[She turns to him. Dr. House keeps smiling. Dr. Cuddy chuckles.]

Dr. Cuddy:
Well, at least the games are over.

Dr. House:
How long have you known me?

[Dr. Cuddy smiles knowingly. She leaves. House gets off the desk and goes towards the door. He takes a last look at the lecture hall, then turns off the lights and leaves.]

Dr. House:
There's a reason that everybody lies: it works. It's what allows society to function. It's what separates man from beast.

Dr. Wilson:
Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.

Dr. House:
You wanna know every place your mom's thumb has been?

Dr. Wilson:
I'm sorry, I missed rehearsal, am I taking the "truth is good" side? Don't you usually take that part?

Dr. House:
Lies are a tool - they can be used either for good or - no, wait, I've got a better one: Lies are like children: hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.

Dr. Wilson:
You're so full of love... or something.

Dr. House:
The notion of picking one time of year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.

Dr. Taub:
Try bondage.

Dr. House:
I did once. She just tied me down and whined about how hard it is to be Dean of Medicine.

Dr. House:
[walking with Dr. Wilson] Where're we going?

Dr. Wilson:
Nowhere, I just know it hurts you.

Dr. House:
I saw something amazing: pure truth. She told her mother that she was dying. Stripped her of all hope.

Dr. Wilson:
[haltingly] That sounds... horrible.

Dr. House:
It was like watching some... bizarre astronomical event that you know you're never gonna see again.

Dr. Wilson:
You tell people the cold, hard truth all the time. You get off on it.

Dr. House:
Because I don't care. She cared. [thoughtful] She did it anyway. She did it because she cared.

Dr. Wilson:
[sarcastically] The angels of Christmas have finally given House a present he can appreciate.

Dr. House:
Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ, he's got enough nails in him.

Dr. Cameron:
I am not giving you cable; you're gonna have to somehow survive with broadcast networks alone.

Dr. House:
I'll be fine on Tuesdays...

[At the time, House was airing new episodes on Tuesdays at 9]

Cate:
You know, I e-mailed a couple colleagues at the hospital about you.

Dr. Wilson:
You're checking up on me, not House?

Cate:
Yeah, well House is straightforward, brilliant, and an ass.

Dr. Wilson:
Two out of three good qualities, clear majority.

Cate:
Whereas you, on the other hand, have a perfect score. You are responsible, nice, human, and yet you're House's best friend.

Dr. Wilson:
Hold there. [Cate stops adjusting.] Makes you think he's secretly nicer than he seems?

Cate:
Makes me think that you're secretly a lot less nice than you seem.

Dr. Wilson:
Do you always insult your doctors?

Cate:
It's not an insult. Indiscriminate niceness is overrated.

Dr. Wilson:
[Smiles.] No wonder he likes you.

Dr. House:
Everyone is miserable. You don't change that because people don't change.

Cate:
You want to believe that because then you're freed from any responsibility for your misery.

Dr. House:
Oh, shut up. I get enough of this from Wilson.

Cate:
And yet you keep hanging out with him. And from what I hear, you have spent more time with me than with any other patient.

Dr. Kutner:
What if the clots aren't clots? Atherosclerosis. Fatty plaque builds up on the arterial walls, pieces break off, block blood flow. Explains everything.

Dr. House:
She has zero risk factors. Forget fat, think clots.

Dr. Kutner:
No.

Dr. House:
You're standing up to me?

Dr. Kutner:
Maybe.

Dr. House:
Just to clarify. You should do that when you're right. Sorry for the confusion. How could a clot...

Dr. Kutner:
Could be a different kind of fat, fat emboli.

Dr. House:
It's a perfect fit... Except it's completely impossible! Fat emboli requires an unrepaired bone break. Between the x-ray and the exam, I've seen her entire... [Epiphany.] See, that's what I'm talking about. [Dr. Kutner bows.]

Dr. Wilson:
But you don't care about her.

[Amber walks up to the table.]

Amber:
Of course not. House doesn't care about anyone.

Wilson:
[Gets up and kisses her.] Hi.

Amber:
Sorry I'm late.

Dr. House:
Cutthroat Bitch?!

Dr. Wilson:
I call her Amber.

[House is shocked]

Dr. Wilson:
Was she on your list?

Dr. House:
You guys know Wilson's dating Amber?

Dr. Foreman:
No.

Dr. Taub:
Wilson and Amber?!

Dr. Kutner:
I knew. [Dr. House looks shocked] I asked her out. Said she just started seeing someone.

Thirteen:
Cultures were negative for UTIs, no signs of previous trauma or STDs.

Dr. House:
Kidney cancer.

Thirteen:
CT was clear for tumors and kidney stones.

Dr. House:
I thought Amber scared you guys.

Dr. Kutner:
She does, but she also has legs that go all the way up to Canada.

Dr. House:
So do Canadians, doesn't mean that I want to date one.

Dr. House:
People don't change. For example, I'm going to keep repeating "People don't change."

Dr. Cuddy:
So alcoholics that successfully go through treatment don't exist?

Dr. House:
They're still alcoholics. If they never take a drink as long as they live, it's only because they didn't live long enough.

[Amber leaves House and Wilson at the bar while she complains to the restaurant's host about the long wait for a table]

Dr. House:
Any minute now, she’s going to hit him in the face with your testicles.

Dr. Wilson:
She tends to treat... She tends to treat every event like it's the last copter out of Saigon.

Dr. House:
She's the Anti-Wilson. A force for evil.

Dr. Wilson:
She has an annoying quality. Perhaps even two. If I was perfect, I would date perfect.

Dr. House:
You like that!

Dr. Wilson:
It's annoying, but she's good at it.

Dr. House:
Wait a second, this isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves...[his eyes widen, long pause] Oh my God! You're sleeping with me!

Yonatan Arnoff:
The more you know someone, the more you should love them.

Thirteen:
No one can describe themselves in ten words. Why would we wanna hear anyone else do it?

Dr. House:
Who thinks niceness is not a symptom? [Dr. Foreman, Dr. Kutner, Dr. Taub and Thirteen put their hands up] And who thinks that their vote counts? [Dr. House puts his hand up]

Dr. House:
Taub and Thirty-One...

Thirteen:
Thirty-One?

Dr. House:
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that either way was good with you.

[House and Amber have brought their 'custody dispute' over Wilson to Cuddy's office.]

Dr. House:
[to Cuddy] You are King Solomon. [points to Wilson] If you want us to cut him in half, we're cool with that.

Amber:
My boyfriend's too much of a wuss to make the call for himself. [turns to Wilson] And I mean that with all the love in the world.

Dr. Wilson:
I'm gonna piss off one of them and they both scare me.

Dr. Cuddy:
[reading House's performance review] A disturbingly large proportion of your comments are either racist or sexist.

Dr. House:
That top makes you look like an Afghani prostitute... would be an example of that.

Dr. Taub:
[to Dr. House] You were wrong.

Dr. House:
Why do people say that with such pleasure? It's very hurtful, you know.

Dr. House:
As I suspected, you have significant losses in the upper right quadrant of your visual field.

Evan Greer:
Are you serious?

Dr. House:
No, it's a joke. Two guys go into a bar and one has significant losses in the upper right quadrant of his visual field. And the other one says, 'You're gonna need an MRI to confirm the type and location of the tumor.'

[The team is watching DVDs for research]

Dr. Taub:
Does sound a little forced, could be stiffening in his tongue, which is a symptom of myxoedema.

Thirteen:
It's not the tongue, it's the dialogue. I think I dated that nurse though... :[Dr. House looks at her] ...no.

Thirteen:
We should have him spend a night in the sleep lab, see if he gets a reflex erection.

Dr. House:
Confirmation is for wimps and altar boys! We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way god intended, he can't get engorged. [looks at Dr. Cameron]

Dr. Cameron:
I'm not showing him my boobs.

Dr. House:
Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing. Thirteen, show him y... [he glances at Thirteen's chest] ...I gotta find a decent set of knockers around here. [he wanders off]

Dr. Cameron:
Your porn is in the second drawer.

Dr. House:
Dr. House. I don't think we've met.

Dr. Conway:
Dr. Jamie Conway. I've heard your name.

Dr. House:
Most people have. It's also a noun.

Dr. Conway:
Heard about House's patient. Bold move. And you backed him.

Dr. Cuddy:
He was right.

Dr. Conway:
He wasn't even in the same neighborhood as right.

Dr. Cuddy:
The patient's alive.

Dr. Conway:
Okay, the rules exist because 95% of the time for 95% of the people, they're the right thing to do.

Dr. Cuddy:
And the other 5%?...

Dr. Conway:
...Have to live by the same rules. Because everybody thinks they're in that 5%.

Dr. Wilson:
A week ago you saw a symptom in a soap star.

Dr. House:
Bad argument, since I was right about that.

Dr. House:
[Not remembering the names of Dr. Taub and Thirteen] Lesbian. Find out if anybody on that bus was taken to other hospitals.

Thirteen:
He just forgot mine.

Dr. House:
No, Thirteen, I just wanted to call you a lesbian.

Thirteen:
I'm not a lesbian.

Dr. House:
I was rounding up from 50%.

Dr. Cuddy:
I didn't know you rode the bus.

Dr. House:
I used to drive home after getting drunk, but some mothers got "MA-D-D".

Dr. House:
What are you doing here? You weren't on the bus with me.

Dr. Cuddy:
Then I guess this isn't a memory - this is a fantasy.

Dr. House:
If it's a fantasy, you'd be wearing this.

[The camera cuts back to Dr. Cuddy, who is now dressed like a stripper]

Dr. Cuddy:
You're convinced your patient is dying and you want to waste your time with a sex fantasy?!

Dr. House:
Don't blame me, blame my gender.

Dr. Cuddy:
Well, I'm not here to indulge that, I'm here to help you figure out what symptom you saw. Your patient was driving the bus so all you could see was-

Dr. House:
[Interrupts] Why can't you do both?

[Sensual music starts playing and Dr. Cuddy starts stripping provocatively while carrying out a differential diagnosis with House]

Dr. Cuddy:
[Stops stripping and looks at Dr. House] I'm distracting you. [starts to get up]

Dr. House:
No! [Cut back to Dr. Cuddy who is now dressed normally and sits down next to House] Dance, woman!

Dr. Cuddy:
[Resignedly] You'd rather be diagnosing.

Dr. House:
I screamed "no"!

Dr. Cuddy:
And your own subconscious ignored you. I guess you'd rather fantasize about finding symptoms. How screwed up is that?

[The Answer has appeared in Dr. House's flashback]

Dr. House:
Why are you here?

The Answer:
You believe in reason above all else. There must be a reason.

Dr. House:
You have something to tell me?

The Answer:
Yes. Who am I?

Dr. House:
That's asking not telling. Who are you?

The Answer:
You know who I am.

Dr. House:
If I did I'd be passed out in bed instead of OD'ing on physostigmine on the 6th street cross-town.

The Answer:
What's my necklace made of?

Dr. House:
[Looking at the necklace] Resin?

The Answer:
Who am I?

Dr. House:
I don't know. Why the guessing game?

The Answer:
Because you don't know the answer.

Dr. House:
And if I don't, you don't. But you know the clues.

The Answer:
I know what's bugging your subconsciousness. What's my necklace made of?

Dr. House:
[Looks at necklace, realises and whispers] No.

The Answer:
Who am I?

Dr. House:
[Shakes head] Doesn't make sense.

The Answer:
What's my necklace made of?

Dr. House:
Amber.

[After the crash, Dr. House is attending to Amber]

Dr. House:
I have to tie this around you. [Removes Amber's red scarf from her neck and ties it round her right leg]

Amber:
I'm cold.

Dr. House:
Stay with me. Just stay with me.

Thirteen:
You are the champion of not dealing with your problems...

Dr. House:
My grandson gave me a mug that says that.

Dr. Wilson:
You can't do this.

Dr. House:
It's not a good argument. It's not an argument at all. I'm sorry.

Dr. Wilson:
Cuddy's right. I was afraid to do anything. I thought if everything just stopped, it would be okay.

Dr. House:
And it's gonna be. Taub's starting treatment. We're doing everything-

Dr. Wilson:
Not everything. Before you warm her up, you said that you wanted to try deep-brain stimulation.

Dr. House:
There's no reason. We know the symptom. We know what I saw.

Dr. Wilson:
What if it's not the rash? What if you noticed the rash on the ambulance when we were putting her on bypass? What if there is still something else stuck inside your head?

Dr. House:
You think I should risk my life to save Amber's?

[Dr. Wilson nods.]

[Dr. House nods in agreement.]

Dr. Wilson:
You should call time of death.

Dr. Cuddy:
Technically, she's still alive. Could probably survive a few more hours on bypass. We can wean her off anesthesia, wake her up, give you a chance to-

Dr. Wilson:
That would be cruel. Don't.

Dr. Cuddy:
Wake Amber up. See her again. Tell her what she means to you.

Dr. Wilson:
Wake her up to tell her that she's... that she's... [Wilson breaks down. Cuddy embraces him.]

Dr. Cuddy:
You are waking her up so that you could both say goodbye to each other. She would want it.

Amber:
[dying] I'm tired [Wilson nods]... I think it's time to go to sleep...

Dr. Wilson:
[crying] Just a little bit longer.

Amber:
We're always going to want... just a little bit longer.

Dr. Wilson:
I don't think I can do it.

Amber:
It's ok.

Dr. Wilson:
It's not ok... why is is ok with you? Why aren't you angry?

Amber:
That's not the last feeling... that I want to experience.

[Dr. Wilson kisses Amber and turns off her life support]

[Dr. House and Amber are sitting in an empty white bus.]

Dr. House:
You're dead.

Amber:
Everybody dies.

Dr. House:
Am I dead?

[Amber pauses and gives him a sly look.]

Amber:
Not yet.

Dr. House:
I should be.

Amber:
Why?

Dr. House:
Because life shouldn't be random. Because lonely, misanthropic drug addicts should die in bus crashes. Young do-gooders in love that get dragged out of their apartment in the middle of the night should walk away clean.

Amber:
Self-pity isn't like you.

Dr. House:
I'm branching out from self-loathing, self-destruction. [pause] Wilson is gonna hate me.

Amber:
You kinda deserve it.

Dr. House:
[pause] He's my best friend.

Amber:
I know. [whispers] What now?

Dr. House:
I could stay here with you.

Amber:
Get off the bus.

Dr. House:
[shakes head] I can't.

Amber:
Why not?

Dr. House:
Because... because it doesn't hurt here. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. [pause] And I don't want him to hate me.

Amber:
Well, you can't always get what you want.

[Amber raises her eyebrows in encouragement. Dr. House gives a nod and walks off the bus. Amber looks at the window, smiles and a white light slowly fades in, covering Amber and fades out.]