Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Season 7

Meatwad:
[on Carl's used condoms, raked from his lawn] These is what—pudding tubes?

Master Shake:
Yeah, that's it. Lap up that free pudding. Bill Cosby left it just for you.

Meatwad:
These look like Vanilla Blast, but they taste like Sizzlin' Salt 'Splosion.

Master Shake:
I christen thee Rubberman!

Frylock:
Yeah, no, it ain't that.

Master Shake:
Slap on a little glove, and get ready for some love. Keep the gunk with my junk, when I load it in her very spacious trunk.

Meatwad:
Is he alive? Cause I need someone to take me to the mall.

Frylock:
In a way, he is. He's coated in thousands of microscopic organisms.

Meatwad:
Frylock, I know what sperm and bacteria is. What I'm saying is, will he come to life if I put this magic hat on his head.

Master Shake:
Looks like he's already come to life.

Meatwad:
But... I never had the chance to say goodbye."

Master Shake:
Alright. Then put it back on.

Meatwad:
Okay. [puts Lance's helmet back on]

Lance:
Fools! No one will stop Rubberman! [Frylock incinerates him with a flamethrower] Oh, no! Someone IS stopping Rubberman!

[on Death Island]

Shake:
I am bored. Let's go back home.

Frylock:
We parachuted here!

Shake:
Yeah, I know, because it was cheaper!

Frylock:
The tickets said one-way.

Shake:
Round-trip was INSANE. You want to pay those prices, be my guest!

Frylock:
Had we rented the boat like I wanted, we could get back in the boat and go home!

Shake:
Well, we didn't do that, did we? Because someone didn't assert themselves enough. I keep telling you to read my book, Master Your Finances and $hake it Up!

[Shake opens the book]

Shake:
"Chapter 1: Make Every Problem Your Slave." Seriously, did you even pick it up?

Frylock:
Yeah, we got a garage full of 'em.

Shake:
Well, that's cause they didn't sell, because YOU shut the website down!

Meatwad:
Hey, y'all, we can take these jetskis over here.

Shake:
SHUT UP, Meatwad. I'm discussing my book over here!

Frylock:
Alright, Shake. You win. How do you make THIS problem your slave?

Shake:
Well, I'll tell ya. "Rule 1: Assess the situation." (looks around) We are fucked.

Meatwad:
Y'all see these jetskis?

Shake:
"Rule 2: Apply blame." You, Frylock. You're the one.

Meatwad:
What about these jetskis?

Shake:
"Rule 3: Don't let the blame-ee hear about you blaming them." Hey, Meatwad, Frylock really jobbed us on this, didn't he?

Meatwad:
Yeah, you probably shouldn't say that with him...standing right there. You see these jetskis?

Shake:
"Rule 4: Make a suggestion, but don't own up to it in case it sucks." Hey guys, what if we make a boat out of sand, BUT it's a glass bottom boat? Then we can host tours for this roasted bird and get money to buy a plane ticket outta here from an airport that does not exist.

Frylock:
That idea sucks.

Shake:
Yeah, I know. Whose idea was that, Meatwad?

Meatwad:
Two jetskis, right over here.

Shake:
Which leads me to rule 4. "Take well deserved nap." Good night, good luck, the end.

Chicken 1:
(In turkey clucks) Game over. Life over.

Shake:
(Is laying on the beach with swelling bruise and a black eye) I do not...understand...what you are saying to me!

Chicken 1:
(In turkey clucks) I speak in turkey clucks.

Shake:
Wait, what's that again?

Chicken 1:
(In turkey clucks) I...speak...in...turkey...clucks.

Shake:
...Speak English! Why is that not a law everywhere?

Chicken 2:
(speaking English) He speaks only in turkey clucks.

Chicken 3:
(speaking English) He's an idiot.

Master Shake:
All right, what do YOU want, you big, gay baby?!

[Group of chickens at the end]

Chicken 1:
I'm just throwing ideas at the wall here but...

[picks up Shake's self-help book]

Chicken 1:
...what if we build a giant daycare center, and put him in it?

Chicken 2:
WHAT THE FUCK?! The island is gone!

Chicken 3:
That's a stupid idea, Lyle!

Meatwad's Right Side:
What's your name, boy?

Meatwad's Left Side:
Meatwad.

Meatwad's Right Side:
Of the New Jersey Meatwads?

Master Shake:
How was I supposed to know he was gonna do that?

Fry Lock:
He's like a damn worm, man. He's got no brain. You cut him up, and he'll multiply.

Master Shake:
Wait a minute. Do you mean like in Tremors?

Fry Lock:
... Yeah, sure. Exactly like in Tremors.

Master Shake:
[jumps onto a nearby keyboard instrument] Get off the ground! He feels the vibrations! You can float. Go get me food!

Meatwad's Right Side:
We've been tricked into entering the door!

Meatwad's Left Side:
I'm sorry I dragged you into this man.

Meatwad's Right:
No, I'm the sorry one.

Meatwad's Left:
No, no, no. I'm the sorry one.

Meatwad's Right:
Don't beat yourself up over this. I'm the sorry one.

Master Shake:
You're both about to be very sorry, that you entered this horrid world! [draws an axe and slices Meatwad's Right Side in half] And that's called taking care of business.

Meatwad's Mouth:
Mama? Daddy?

Meatwad's Right:
Hey good buddy. Nice to meat you. I'm Meatwad!

Meatwad's Left:
So am I.

Meatwad's Mouth:
I am too!

Master Shake:
Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

Meatwad's Left:
We're all Meatwads!

Meatwad's Mouth:
Let's have a...tearful reunion.

Meatwad's Right:
Group hug everybody! [they hug each other]

Meatwad's Left:
Hey! I got an idea everybody!

Meatwad's Right:
You wanna play Candy Land?

Meatwad's Left:
YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUTTA MY BRAIN!

Meatwad's Mouth:
Let's play candy Land!

Meatwad's Right:
CANDY LAND!

Meatwad's Left:
Yeah, Candy Land!

(To Master Shake)

Meatwad's Right:
How about you, Shake?

Meatwad's Mouth:
Would you like to play Candy Land?

Master Shake:
No, I would not. But I will show you what I do want to play. [Shows Master Shake outside cutting one of the Meatwad sides in half] I declare these Olympic Games, OPEN!

Meatwad #2:
No, please. After you.

Meatwad:
You go ahead.

Master Shake:
Shut up.

Meatwad #2:
I couldn't possibly. after you.

Meatwad:
No, no, no, no, I insist -- after you.

Master Shake:
Shut up, both of you.

Meatwad #2:
: No, please. Your hands are full. You go ahead.

Meatwad:
I ain't got hands.

Meatwad #2:
But I just rather that you go first.

Meatwad:
Why don't you just go ahead anyways?

Meatwad #2:
No, no, I couldn't.

Master Shake:
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! [slams the door and runs away in fear, but the door just opens back up]

[brief pause]

Meatwad #2:
You lead the way.

Meatwad:
No, you lead the way.

[The Meatwads and Carl are playing Texas Hold 'em Poker with flash cards]

Carl:
Alright, we got a five dollar blind, ten dollar ante, jacks to open, trips to win. Who's in? Let me see your money, gentlemen.

Meatwads:
: (putting down bills, stuffed animals) I'm in!

Carl:
(puts down $5) And I am in as well. (puts down same $5) And I will raise you...another $5.

Meatwad #2:
I'm out.

Meatwad #3:
I'm out.

Meatwad #5:
I'm out.

Meatwad #6:
Too rich for my blood.

Meatwad #7:
: And I ain't got no damn money!

Carl:
(angrily) Hey, Seven! When you ain't got no damn money, that's when you leave the table.

Meatwad #7:
: But I like to watch.

Carl:
You're lucky I ain't bring no pit boss over here. That stuff wouldn't fly at the Taj.

Meatwad #1:
Alright Carl, check it out; Triangle, Bug, Firetruck.

Carl:
Two pair!

Meatwad #1:
: Yeah? You like that?

Carl:
Not bad with only three cards.

Meatwad #1:
I ate two of them.

Carl:
But, uh...that certainly don't beat two Goats, a Circle, a Star, and the letter J. Full house AND a pair! Hahaha, read 'em and weep, gentlemen!

Carl:
[Taking his "winnings"] These bills feel, uh...small...and yellow...and this is a dead squirrel.

Meatwad #1:
Maybe them bills shrunk.

Meatwad #6:
But probably they just come from a board game. [holds up said board game] Foreclosure!

Carl:
What the- I knew a chicken was never president! You owe me $1200, or I'm gonna send my cousin over here to break your hands. You got 48 hours.

Meatwads:
Bye, Carl!

Meatwad #1:
Thanks for the lesson!

Carl:
Pick your nose clean while you got the chance, cause you'll be digging for gold with finger splints after Tuesday!

[the Meatwads have gathered in the living room]

Master Shake:
They're meeting on how to form their own stupid government!

Meatwad:
The floor recognizes Meatwad!

Master Shake:
But here's the fun part: they're still trying to decide on who should bring the juice boxes.

Meatwad:
I'd hate for you to bring that much trouble, 'cause I can bring juice boxes.

Master Shake:
SEVENTY FIVE MINUTES...of this.

Meatwad:
Aw, juice boxes are expensive. Let ME bring the juice boxes.

Master Shake:
It is so fucking retarded! [Meatwads arguing while Shake is talking] We are not establishing a democracy in this house! THIS is a DICTATORSHIP! And I RULE WITH AN IRON DICK!

Meatwad:
Let's call the matter to a vote. Raise your hand if you would like to bring the juice boxes. [All Meatwads raise their "hands"] Aaaand let's count...no one can count. We're deadlocked again.

Other Meatwad:
I demand a recount!

Meatwad:
As I said, no one counted right the first time.

Master Shake:
Frylock, I'm on my last leg! You need to help me mush all this together, and set fire to it!

Frylock:
No, no no no. I have a better idea. [to the Meatwads] Hey gang! Let's all sing a song!

Meatwads:
Okay! Okey-dokey! All rightey-rooney!

Frylock:
[singing] Three million bottles of beer on the wall....

[brief pause]

Meatwads:
[singing]....Three million bottles of beer...

Frylock:
Yeah!

Meatwads:
[singing] Take one down, pass it around, two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand. nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall!

Frylock:
[gets a suitcase] See you dude. [leaves]

Master Shake:
Wait. Wait don't go!

Meatwads:
[singing in the background] Two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, two million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine bottles of beer...

Master Shake:
You know what? I'm leaving too! [brief pause] Okay that was a bluff, but- DON'T GO!

One Meatwad:
Wait...I got mixed up. Start over.

Master Shake:
[freaking out] NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Meatwads:
Three million bottles of beer on the wall....

Master Shake:
Is someone there?

Frylock:
Is that Shake?

Master Shake:
Speak up, please.

Frylock:
It's me, Frylock!

Master Shake:
You've left us.

Frylock:
Yeah, man. I've got the thinking how trapped I had been all those years, you know? So, I've wrote a book on the dangers of codependency, and it was a best-seller. I've turned it into a lucrative franchise of six movies, a tv show, and a series of self-help discs. I've married Cheryl Tiegs, divorced her, and married her underaged granddaughter. And we live very happily on a small island, south of France, with the New York Football Giants, who I've purchased two years ago with all the proceeds of my wildly successful life.

Master Shake:
Well, seems like you've wasted a lot of time.

Meatwad:
Zero bottles of beer, you can't take one down 'cause there ain't no more bottles of beer on the wall and you got to call Carl and order more bottles of beer for your wall! Dang. that was fun!

Meatwad #3:
Yeah, that was fun!

Meatwad #4:
Well, now what do we do?

Meatwad:
I suppose we can sit here and get to know each other... Or we could sing that song one more cotton-picking time.

Meatwad #2:
Yeah, we could!

Meatwad #5:
Yeah, let's sing it again!

Meatwads:
3 Million bottles of beer on the wall, 3 million bottles of beer... [Frylock's limousine takes off] take one down, pass it around... [A gunshot is seen and heard from Frylock's room, implying Shake committed suicide to escape the nightmare of the Meatwads' constant singing] 2,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall!

Frylock:
Oh, look, it's your gerbil Starsky. Hey, Starsky.

Meatwad:
Yeah, you want something to eat?

Starsky:
(turned into a demon) GIVE ME A CELERY STICK, YOU SCAB!

Frylock:
(throwing holy water on Starsky, who vomits all over the room) The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Starsky:
YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!

Frylock:
Just help me roll this into the garage.

Master Shake:
Why don't you help me suck it? Wait a minute, that backfired. Gee, that sounded like I suck it all the time, which I don't. And it also implies that I would need help, which we both know that I don't. I can suck my own stuff. Listen, what I'm on, it's dangerous!

Meatwad:
What flavor is that?

Master Shake:
It's the flavor of "none of your damn business".

Master Shake:
Hey guys, I found my spiders!

[in reference to the pilot episode]

Meatwad:
My jam box! [music plays and Meatwad dances] Yeah, this is my jam. Now come, now. Yeah-- Why ain't you dancin' Shake?

Master Shake:
Dancing is forbidden! Dancing has ALWAYS been forbidden! [smashes the jam box]

Schoolly D:
Looks like the Aqua Teens is back in the house, and Schoolly D back on the mic, baby!

It's been so long, you thought I left you But I was in jail with my nephew I needed that bail, so I kept you I bet you thought I let you Take my name, my game And makin' that money my thang You got to understand That Frylock is the man Yes yes ya'll, to the beat ya'll I got a call from Vishal I was standin' in my kitchen Said he had a mission Said they needed some new transitions Aqua Teen Hunger Force Schoolly D I'm back of course

[The Aqua Teens are in church]

Master Shake:
Where is the food?

Frylock:
Will you shut up?

Master Shake:
You said there was gonna be food and I don't see meat! I see bread, but that ain't a sandwich.

Frylock:
Shut up, Shake. SHUT UP!

Master Shake:
There's no protein. I wanna be Muscle Man for Halloween and I have to start NOW!

Frylock:
Will you shut up? They have to bless it first!

Master Shake:
Oh, Je-

Frylock:
[cuts off Shake] Don't you say it.

Master Shake:
What I'm not allowed to say a NAME?

Frylock:
You're taking it in vain.

Master Shake:
No I'm not. When I use it, I get results.

Master Shake:
(as Frylock gives money during an offering in Church) Where'd you get money?

Frylock:
I worked for it. And I'm giving it to the church, because you need to experience how it feels to give, and not just receive, like you usually do!

Meatwad:
But also, how it feels to receive too. 'Cause that's a good feeling too y'all. When Santa Clause comes down from the cross, and give me all that stuff I asked for.

Frylock:
(sighs; as Meatwad called a statue of Jesus Christ's crucifixion Santa) That ain't Santa Clause, okay? How many times do I gotta tell you that?

Meatwad:
Well he got a beard. And that ain't a belly full of jelly. Look like he got an appendectomy scar. Is this the mall? 'Cause I'm sitting here wondering how I gonna sit on his lap when he's hanging from some nails.

Frylock:
(angry) Santa Claus did NOT die for our sins!!

Meatwad:
Santa Claus is dead?! No!!

Master Shake:
Yes. He crashed his sleigh, right into a wall...'cause he was drinking a lot...

Frylock:
What?

Master Shake:
It was a twisted fiery wreckage...of sleigh, reindeer bones, and the old fat bastard's guts.

Frylock:
(leaving) Excuse me, folks we need to go. (drags Master Shake with him)

Master Shake:
And who's drunk enough to get nailed to wood?! I can see maybe one nail! But then you'd think he'd move! But NOOOO. We gotta revere him for his slow reaction time?!

[during a recording session]

Master Shake:
[rapping] Happy birthday Jesus / You are the one / Coming down to Earth / From planet Krypton / Rollin out tracks and getting it on / like the 'Wrath of Khan' with Ricardo Montalban / It rained fishes and loaves on the bitches and the hos / They said they want some mo' and he said, "Hell no!" / Yo I got the flow / You ghost ridin' the whip / You suckin' on my-

Michael:
Okay, let's cut it there.

Master Shake:
[breathes] Whoo! I was hoping to get the word 'ding-dong' in on that take, but I ran out of breath.

Carl:
What?

Larry Miller:
I think you recognize me.

Carl:
No.

Larry Miller:
You might've seen me in one of those Christopher Guest movies. "Best in Show?" "Waiting for Guffman?" "A Mighty Win?" No?

Carl:
No!

Larry Miller:
Alright, well I'm a stand-up comedian, I've been on Letterman, Leno, Conan. Dozens of times, really everyone.

Carl:
Mmmmh.

Larry Miller:
How about the...uh... "The Nutty Professor" movies? That may be more of your speed. The Klumps?

Carl:
Oh, yeah! The one where Martin Lawrence, uh, Martin dresses like an old woman, you know, but he's a cop! He's not an old woman, he's a cop! [hours later] His partner gets shot, you know, and then they rip his mask off, and then like "You're...you're not an old woman, right? You're Martin!" "Big Nanny" or big... "Big Granny" or something. "Big Granny 2", maybe there was a sequel. So, were you in that?

Larry Miller:
No, but very close.

Carl:
You were the judge of the gymnastics contest! I know that!

Larry Miller:
No.

Carl:
Nah, no, that guy was black.

Larry Miller:
Well, close enough. "Pretty Woman?" "Boston Legal?" "10 Things I Hate About You?" Doing anything for you?

Carl:
You sell hair?

Larry Miller:
You know what? I admire a man like you because yes, let's cut to the chase. I am the celebrity spokesman for a line of artificial hair. And I also occasionally sell hair, myself, on the weekend because I have... [Larry laughs] a gambling problem that's all-consuming.

Carl:
Want a beer?

Larry Miller:
No thank you.

Carl:
How 'bout some lo mein noodles? Come on in.

Larry Miller:
Lo mein, no.

Carl:
I was just about to toss these. [Carl sniffs] They reek.

Larry Miller:
Yes, clearly. Well, the point is you qualify for a free 7-day trial for the Larry Miller Hair System for men.

Carl:
Dude, if it's so great, then how come you ain't got it?

Larry Miller:
We only have one and God told us to bring it to you!

Carl:
Free hair, made out of painted and corrugated sheet metal. Come on, what's the catch?

Larry Miller:
If I didn't fully believe in this product, why else did you think I spend my weekends selling and installing the Larry Miller hair system for men?

Carl:
Well, cuz you said you got a bad gambling problem.

Larry Miller:
I know I do. I know I have that problem, and that's half the battle admitting it. It... it's like I've just become someone else for weeks. It takes control. And you know what? I'm not ashamed to say it. Well, I'm a little ashamed. Alright, I'm mortified, but the point is I believe in this product and my ability to make money off of it. Try one on!

Carl:
I thought you had one?

Larry Miller:
Well, now we have many.

Carl:
Oh, it's really slick.

Larry Miller:
It's lanolin, from someone else's skin. Someone who returned it.

Carl:
They're lost [Carl laughs].

Larry Miller:
Here, step into this simulator.

Carl:
Uh, I don't see any, uh...

Larry Miller:
This van!

Carl:
Eh-I freakin' sold-out! It's better to burn out, than to fade away!

Carl:
What is that? Like an impact drill?

Larry Miller:
Don't focus on that! Focus on this.

Larry Miller:
Hey guy, don't worry about it, [Starts up a giant motor drill] let's install the system.

Carl:
Whoa, whoa, with a drill? No way dude!

Larry Miller:
...Yes

Carl:
No

Larry Miller:
Okay, look, we're close to AC Beach aren't we? God, I can smell the cards. I don't give a damn about this at all! [Runs out of the van] I need to gamble!

Frylock:
Carl, I know it's late, but I really need to borrow your car, man.

Pod:
Carl, he does not need to borrow your car. [Carl slams the door] Carl believes me.

Master Shake:
I have a gun and I will shoot your hand clean the hell off. I will do it!

Meatwad:
[carrying hot dogs] Hey y'all.

Master Shake:
Do it right now! I'LL GO GET MY GUN!

Meatwad:
You know, they giving out free hot dogs over at that car dealership down the way.

Master Shake:
I prefer the meat of the burger!

Frylock:
AS DO I.

Meatwad:
...yeah, that meat...ain't looking so good. Seems like the burger has moved some, ain't it?

Frylock:
(crazed) Yeah, the ants are breeding. They want to TAKE IT FROM US.

Master Shake:
But that ain't happening on our watch, right man! Gimme five.

Frylock:
Get your fucking hand out of my face.

Master Shake:
PROFANITY VIO-! Ohh! Ohhhhhh, profanity violation! Phil! PHIL!

Phil:
Wh-What's up, what's going on?

Master Shake:
Phil, he is INDISCRIMINATELY dropping F-bombs on the heads of all these kids around here.

Phil:
Yeah, there's-there's nothing about profanity in the bylaws, so...

Master Shake:
Come on, man. Don't you wanna see this end?

Phil:
Look, I get paid by the hour, man.

Master Shake:
Phil, come on. Please, I know you.

Frylock:
Phil.

Master Shake:
We've been through a lot together, haven't we- Hey, how is your wife?

Frylock:
Don't listen to him, man!

Master Shake:
Didn't she have a baby or something while we were here? What'd you name it, I was wondering.

Phil:
Penelope. I've told you like, five times.

Master Shake:
Might be nice to get this over with-

Frylock:
Phil!

Master Shake:
-and spend some time with that cute little...

Phil:
It's a girl.

Master Shake:
Girl, great, that's right!

Frylock:
Don't fall for it, Phil!

Master Shake:
I might be able to give you and her some uh, some sesame seeds off of this bun to play with...

Frylock:
He's trying to trick you, Phil!

Master Shake:
...IF we could maybe end this soon?

Phil:
I- He's gotta take his hands off. That's the only way he's gonna be disqualified.

Master Shake:
I'm WELL-VERSED in the bylaws, asshole!

Meatwad:
[carrying rubber boots] What you want these for?

Frylock:
Put them on my feet, man.

Meatwad:
All right, these are your feet now? Okay, sure.

Frylock:
[setting himself down] That should ground me. [He shoots eye lasers at an overhead power line. The wire falls to the ground, hot] All right, I'll run a 4,000-volt current through the bun, then when Shake comes back...

Unseen voice:
No, wait!

Frylock:
What the hell?

Unseen voice:
Don't electrify the bun!

Frylock:
Who's that? Who said that? Who said that?!

Unseen voice:
It's me! [The hamburger forms a mouth] The giant hamburger, or at least that's how people see me! Finally tonight, you will win the contest, and you will come with me to Hamburger Planet!

Frylock:
Now where have I heard that voice before? [Flashes back to "Dickesode" and "The Creature from Plaque Lagoon"] Wongburger!

Wongburger: That's right. It is I! [His glasses form] Dr. Wongburger! It took me years of therapy to come to terms with my true identity. My parents couldn't accept it! "My son isn't a cheeseburger!" they cried. "Your son IS a cheesburger!" I cried back!

Frylock:
Look, I don't need to know the whole story, okay?

[in a hospital room near an elderly man on life support]

Master Shake:
This is the plan? What the hell is this?!

Angel:
Shut up and read! Aloud! For his pleasure.

Master Shake:
Come on this guy isn't even awake! Bleah. Smells like hot clam juice in here!

Angel:
Read to him!

Master Shake:
[gives him the finger] Read this. Between the lines. What does it say?

[Angel sighs and sends Master Shake down to a flaming place for about 5 seconds, Master Shake reappears charred and burning]

Master Shake:
Ooh, ooh, okay which book? Show me- Show me which book so I can read to that guy!

Angel:
The pop-up book! '[gives Shake a book entitled "Sammy the Gerbil and His Big Muffin Adventure"]

Master Shake:
Well there's nothing to read! All the pages are gone!

Angel:
He won't mind. He doesn't have any family.

Master Shake:
Yeah, because he's boring. Would you visit this? I wouldn't! You have to engage people, with clever conversation and- [Angel sighs and sends Master Shake screaming down to the burning place again for about 5 seconds, Master Shake reappears charred and burning] Ahh ahh ahh! Okay! So here's the title! Sammy the Gerbil, and His Muffin Adventure.

[long pause]

Angel:
Over and over and over again!

Master Shake:
[annoyed] Sammy the Gerbil and his Muffin Adventure.

Angel:
Make it your own!

Master Shake:
[a little more feeling] Sammy the Gerbil and his Muffin Adventure!

Angel:
Have fun with it!

Master Shake:
[mysteriously] Sammy, the Gerbil! And his Muffin, ADVE-E-ENTURE!!!

Angel:
Ask Carl if there's anything you can do for him.

Master Shake:
Carl, is there anything I could possibly do for you?

Carl:
Go down to the mall and buy me a half-dozen black graphic tees. The one with the wings and the barbed wire and they say "Choke Out!"

Master Shake:
Are you serious?

Angel:
Ask him what size.

[Cut to later:
Carl wearing a black graphic tee that says "Surf's Up"]

Carl:
Aw, these are knock-offs! Read this back to me! What does it say?

Master Shake:
"Surf's Up"

Carl:
"Surf's Up"! What did I tell you?! I told you I wanted the real ones that say "Choke Out!"

Angel:
Where have I heard that one before? Maybe coming out of my own mouth when we were at the mall looking at the shirts?

Master Shake:
"Surf's Up" were cheaper. I'm on a fixed budget here, man.

Angel:
Well I guess we're going back to the mall.

Carl:
You go back to the mall! [Cut to Carl wearing a similar tee, but it says "Choke Out"] Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Yeah!

Angel:
Thank him.

Master Shake:
For what?! I did that for him! [is burned by the angel then reappears] Aah! Aah! aah!

Angel:
I can do this all day.

Master Shake:
Yes. Yes, of course. Thank you, Carl, for being there while I replenished your wardrobe with my dangerously overextended credit cards.

Master Shake:
Frylock! Come on, get this thing to go! Hurry! [smashing Frylock's Computer]

Frylock:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't hit it like that. What are you trying to do?

Master Shake:
I'm--I need to hire a demon immediately please! I mean, sir! I mean-- stop bein' nice!

Frylock:
You could check out Craigslist.

Master Shake:
Good idea, thanks man! I mean, I know that already! Now get out of your room so you can go be stupid somewhere else please jerkface!

Angel:
Why aren't you waxing--ohhh. Hey do you have a bathroom?

Frylock:
Oddly, no.

Angel:
Well how do you--

Frylock:
We don't.

Angel:
What? Uh. I'll be right back.

Frylock:
Uhh.. Who was that?

Master Shake:
You could see him? Hurry up! How long does angel diarrhea last?

Frylock:
I don't know. It probably varies. Why don't you just google it?

Master Shake:
Hey! How do you spell "diarrhea"?

Master Shake:
Well, angel, we meet again. But this time, it is I who possess the power. Isn't that right, Neil?

Neil:
Ugh! Neelzebub!

Master Shake:
Neelzebub, right. You may be interested to know that I purchased six cases of beer for Neelzebub and his underaged friends, and then I am going to drive them all to the Insane Clown Posse show.

Angel:
And how is that gonna defeat me?

Master Shake:
That's a pretty good question. Neil?

Neil:
Hey, guys, you want to see me fart on something?

Master Shake:
Neil, over here, please.

Neil:
Oh, God! Read from the scrolls!

Master Shake:
Hmm. I'll hypnotize you like a vampire. Bite your neck and set your head on fire.

Angel:
Are those actual ICP lyrics?

Master Shake:
Yeah.

Angel:
"I'll hypnotize you, then bite your neck, then set your head on fire" there's, like, one -- one item in there is not necessary at all, and you can take your pick.

Master Shake:
Neil, he's not doing anything. Got nothing here.

Neil:
It's gonna take like a few minutes now, 'cause you weren't standing still and you didn't have your hands up. So can you, like, drive us to the concert now?

Master Shake:
But your mom's gonna pick you up, right?

Neil:
Yeah, um, Lee's mom.

Master Shake:
Leeman the demon? I thought he was grounded.

Neil:
He's uh, he's sneaking out.

Angel:
Wait, wait, wait. If he's sneaking out, how is his mom going to pick you up? Does he tell his mom he's sneaking out? 'Cause then it's not really sneaking out, right?

Master Shake:
Yeah, Neil? She won't know about it.

Neil:
Uh, well, can you pick us up, also?

Master Shake:
Both ways?!

Angel:
You're just chauffeuring these guys around.

Master Shake:
You never even told Lee's mom, did you? Did you?! That was not part of the deal, Neil.

Angel:
Ooh, quick question. Is this is part of the deal? [sends Master Shake to the flaming area]

Neil:
Whoa! no way!

Lee:
Oh, my god, that's fuckin' awesome.

Master Shake:
[reappears charred and burning] Aah! aah! That's your cue, Neil! Come on!

Lee:
Whoa!

Neil:
No way!

Master Shake:
Call upon the power! aah!

Neil:
Can you show me that? Show me that! You got to show me that!

Angel:
Well, maybe when you're older, tiger. How old are you, anyway?

Neil:
14 1/2.

Master Shake:
Neil! You said you were fully licensed to do this!

Neil:
Well, Yeah, I said that, but um, my Dad's an attorney, and he says you got to get everything in writing. Sorry.

Master Shake:
Fine. You know what? I'm ending this now. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Neil:
Bye.

Master Shake:
Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell. [sticks a shotgun in his mouth and kills himself]

Attorney:
Mr. 2 Dope, perhaps you would care to read, for the ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the lyrics from your popular song "Blacken Your Eyes"?

Shaggy 2 Dope:
"Filled your head with lead because I want you dead. Girly, girly bitch. You fucking freaky bitch."

Attorney:
What could possibly be offensive about that? [Frylock clears throat] I mean, that's deplorable. Your songs drove my clients' roommate to kill himself. Would that be an accurate statement?

Violent J:
Allow me to interject, please. We at Insane Clown Posse are very, very active in the community. We work with a number of local charities.

Shaggy 2 Dope:
Yeah, like, we read to dead people.

[Rapping to dead man]

Violent J:
Sammy the Gerbil

Shaggy 2 Dope:
and his Muffin Adventure!

Shaggy 2 Dope:
We also spit fire. [The Posse spits fire out of their mouths, engulfing the courtroom]

Attorney:
No further questions.

[Meatwad is calling Frylock because he is not paying attention and is transfixed by a game on his phone and he almost drowned]

Frylock's Voicemail:
Waaasuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?! If you need to leave a message, just do so after the beep.

Meatwad:
Hey, I almost died over in that pool over here...next to you! So hit me back on my celly. 'Cause I wanna yell at you. Talk about dinner. All right later. "[hangs up]

Frylock:
[still playing] Yeah... awesome!

Master Shake:
(angry) Your son is drowning...

Meatwad:
He knows, I left him a voicemail.

[Shake and Frylock are transfixed playing a game on Frylock's phone, while chaos, started by a ghost in the house looms on around them]

Ghost:
[appears in front of Meatwad who has been the only one noticing all the chaos] Can you please get their atention?

Meatwad:
Gee boy, I've been trying, I mean usually when I want attention, I threaten suicide. And then I get ice cream.

Ghost:
[hauntingly] GOOOOOD IDEAAAAAA!

Meatwad:
Hey y'all. My life sucks. I ain't got nothing to live for, and I wanna end it now. [cocks a pistol]

[Master Shake and Frylock pay no attention]

Ghost:
Pop off a couple rooouuunds!

[Meatwad fires his gun into the air once; Frylock and Master Shake pay no attention]

Meatwad:
I'm so...angry at myself...I'm so depressed...

Ghost:
HE'S SEEEERIOOOOOUUUUUSSSSSS!

Meatwad:
And I'm just gonna end the suffering right now...

[Frylock and Master Shake pay no attention; Meatwad puts the pistol to his head and fires three times]

Meatwad:
[now with three bullet holes in his head] Oh, well, I missed. Gotta reload now.

Ghost:
It's not working!

Meatwad:
Just blow up the house man!

[the house blows up]

Frylock:
[his phone is destroyed] Dammit! I signed a two year contract for that!

Master Shake:
Piece of crap! Send it back to China. It blew up our house!

Frylock:
[intro sequence] 100, 100, 100. 10 times 10 equals 100. There are 100 cents in a dollar. A football field is 100 yards. There are 100 senators in Congress. The sum of the first nine prime numbers is 100! The boiling temperature of water is 100! Abraham was 100 years old when his son Isaac was born! The number of tiles in a standard scrabble set is 100! The temperature of the human 98.6 degrees, which is close to 100! 9 Plus 8 minus 6 is 11, which is 89 away from 100!

Master Shake:
[sequence ends; Frylock has written the number 100 all over the walls of the Aqua Teen House] Now, all right, all right. See, now you're just pulling that out of your ass. That is an ass-pull, my friend.

Frylock:
What about "One Hundred men and a Girl"?!

Shake:
So what?

Frylock:
It's a 1937 musical comedy film starring Deanna Durbin.

Shake:
So is "3 Men and a Baby."

Meatwad:
I didn't like the men in that, but I liked the baby.

Frylock:
100 Is everywhere, man. Don't you see it?

Meatwad:
Yeah, 'cause you done wrote it all over the walls with a crayon, man. And I do one little cotton-pickin' rainbow, and i get my heinie spanked. [Microwave beeps] Oh, lunch is ready. Sausage and two bagels. [the sausage and two bagels are arranged on the plate in the form of the number 100]

Frylock:
Look, see? Look at the plate!

Shake:
I don't know what you're talking about. [turns on the television]

Kid Puppet:
100 Kisses from the angels on my tummy / 100 kisses from my Mommy when I'm crummy / 100 sins leaves you dead within / 100 nails that pierce your skin! 100! 100!

Frylock:
Turn it off! [shuts eyes] Turn it off right now!

Shake:
[turns it off] Come on. It's a coincidence!

Master Shake:
You told me this was episode 3, which means I've been doing episode 3 for eight freakin' years!

TV Exec:
Actors just get, uh, so immersed in their characters that they lose track of time and space.

Master Shake:
(angrily pounds his fist on the table) How dare you talk to me about my craft?!?!?!? [Master Shake's Voice Over Actor (Dana Snyder) appears from inside Master Shake]

Dana:
100 Episodes is syndication. That's where I cash in! I know it, and you know it!

TV Exec:
The show is eleven minutes long. So really... You have only 50 half-hours.

Dana:
We can pad it. I can do magic.

Agent:
He's saying we're only halfway there, buddy.

Dana:
Who fuckin' asked you? I just did a voiceover for kitty litter that paid more than this piece of shit has paid, and I get residuals!

Agent:
Well, the cat's where it's at.

Dana:
You are fired! And I'll see you jack-holes in another eight years! And I'm gonna have another 50 ready! Open up the bank book, boys, 'cause I'll be back.

[Shake flies back to New Jersey; back at the Aqua Teen House]

Meatwad:
Where you been for like three days?

Master Shake:
Hey, let's just joke around and entertain 18- to 34-year-olds, shall we? Pick a card, any card. Come on, pick one. [holds out playing cards]

Meatwad:
Look, I can't be doing that. Frylock's out front mowing the number 100 into the lawn. [shows Frylock, in a trance like state, mowing the number 100 into the lawn] And we need to get him some help, have an intervention or something.

Master Shake:
Look, he's gonna resist it. You know how proud he is. That's why I think we should frame him for murder!

Meatwad:
Well, let's find some middle ground here. I mean, maybe we could have an intervention and then frame him for murder?

Master Shake:
Look, you can't open a candy store and sell hamburgers out the back and be a scientist and an animal-trainer school. Just doesn't work.

Meatwad:
Well, what the hell does that mean?

Master Shake:
[dumps Hot Sauce on Meatwad and spreads various plastic body parts on the floor] Means do one thing, and do it right. Now, get out there with this bloody ax and say, "Ooh, I did it. Oh, God, why did I do it?!"

Meatwad:
Okay, I'll do it, but ain't you trying to frame Frylock for murder?

Master Shake:
[leaving the room] Yeah, you better get him to say it, too.

[later, two officers are at the scene, one officer tastes the fake blood]

Officer 1:
Yup. This is the stuff. Hot sauce.

Meatwad:
[enters the room holding an axe] I did it. Oh, God, I did it.

Officer 1:
[ignoring Meatwad] Good thing this wasn't blood. I'd be licking AIDS right now.

Meatwad:
I did it, y'all. Oh, God I did it.

Officer 2:
[holds one of the body parts] Hey, these body parts are plastic.

Master Shake:
Damn it! Listen, you semi-digital A-hole! I had those made in Hollywood! I'm a member of the Union, and I'm a trained professional! Now do your job sir!

Officer 1:
Feels like a hundred degrees out!

[Frylock gives the officer a worried look as he has been paranoid about the number one hundred being everywhere]

Officer 1:
Time for lunch. 1:00.

[Frylock gives the worried gaze]

Officer 2:
Hey can we have a hundred beans for lunch?

[Frylock gives the worried gaze]

Officer 1:
No, Tom, I've told you for the one hundredth time. [Frylock gives the worried gaze] No one sells beans individually. It's just not efficient.

Officer 2:
Man, I feel like I haven't had beans in a century! [Frylock gives the worried gaze] What about Cascade of Beans on a hundred 100th street?

[Frylock gives the worried gaze]

Officers:
[repeating themselves] One hundred one hundred one hundred one hundred one hundred one hundred one hundred one hundred one hundred....

Officer 1:
Oh, I've gotta take a ten one hundred...

Officers:
One hundred one hundred one hundred one hundred...

Walkie Talkie:
One hundred one hundred one hundred...

Officer 1:
Hey we'd better go. [the officers go outside]

[the officers form the letter C with their hands]

Officers:
See you soon.

Frylock:
See you soon? C is the roman numeral for one hundred! Did you hear all that?

Master Shake:
I think that cop was Tom Savini.

Frylock:
One hundred! They kept saying one hundred man! It's coming, man!

Meatwad:
What's coming?

Frylock:
I don't know, but I don't like it.

Master Shake:
[looking out the window at 100] Hey, jerk water, you cruising for sex? Get your stinking zeroes off my lawn.

100:
It's not nice to talk to strangers!

Frylock:
Dammit it, it's him!

Meatwad:
It's who?

Frylock:
It's the Number 100. Don't look him in the eyes, man.

100:
Be a good boy and [begins smashing in the house] GIVE ME THE EPISODE!

Frylock:
Episode? What the hell does he mean?

Master Shake:
This is Episode 100, and if we finish this show, he'll collect our epi-souls forever! I don't know–that's just what I think! I'm speculating!

Frylock:
Show?! What do you mean, show?!

Master Shake:
Hello? The last nine years? These freakin' Meatwad and Ignigokt beanies, which are still available at adultswimshop.com?

Meatwad:
What the hell you talkin' about, fool?

Master Shake:
They sell all our stuff for more than you can buy at other places!

[The Aqua Teens are in their new Hanna-Barbera style show, Aqua Unit Patrol Squad]

Master Shake:
Zoinks! Like, this is spooooky! Isn't that right, Flyboy?

Frylock:
It's Flylock! I mean Fryrock. I mean--Dammit! Who am I?

Meatwad:
And why am I a dog, now?

Master Shake:
Ha-ha-ha! You're Meaty Meaty Moo! Do your thing, Meaty!

Meatwad:
Meaty Meaty Moo.

Master Shake:
Come on, really? That was terrible.

Meatwad:
I just think it's stupid that that's all I would say is my name. Like that's an exclaimation? Like that conveys any information?

Tabitha:
Jinkies!

Frylock:
Somebody staple the talk-hole on that bitch, please.

Master Shake:
It was the Number 100 all along! He followed us into our new show!

100:
And I would have succeeded too, if it weren't for the fact that I failed!

100:
Can I at least take her into the woods, rape her, and behead her, possibly not even in that order?