Brickleberry, Season 3 (2014-2015)

[Lyrics to I Like to Sing Acapella]

Steve:
I like to sing acapella.

Music Group:
Acapella.

Steve:
Makes me a most happy fella.

Music Group:
Acapella.

Steve:
I sing songs like a mella.

Music Group:
Acapella.

Steve:
All the golden legs to go hella.

Music Group:
Acapella. Hey!

Steve:
I can sing like a dog.

Music Group:
Acapella. Hey!

Steve:
I can sing in the toilet.

Music Group:
Acapella. Hey!

Steve:
I can go out with Pablo.

Music Group:
Acapella. Hey!

[Lyrics to Best Friends Forever]

Woody:
Be my be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.

Steve, Woody, and Music Group:
Best friends forever.

Steve and Woody:
Whatever we endeavor. Our bond will never sever. No matter what so, what so ever. Best friends forever. Whatever the weather. Together whenever. When happy, sad, or in between.

Woody:
Be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.

Steve:
Oh!

All:
Best friends!

[Steve makes a phone call, where he insults Woody right in front of him]

Steve:
Yeah, he's a real jerk. I can't stand him. No. He's right next to me. With his big stupid Kathleen Turner mustache.

Woody:
FUCK YOU, THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL PHONE!

[Woody takes the phone and it's a preschooler telephone toy]

Steve:
See what I'm dealing with?

Malloy:
Down syndrome?

[After Woody is vomiting at people during President Obama's party, which is cause he's allergic to crab cakes]

Woody:
Oh, God, how did this happen?

Steve:
Hmm...It wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate was it?

Woody:
You did this, you son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life!

Steve:
You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me. I just wanted to be your friend, and all you did, was treat me like shit! And you gave me cancer!

Woody:
I'm gonna kill you!

Steve:
Not if I kill you first!

[both fighting]

Leslie:
Thanks for the tour, Steve-a. You have a such an exciting life.

Steve:
It's even more exciting with cool (to Denzel) best friends (to Leslie, Lydia and Collette) like you. Can you believe someone thought (to Denzel) I couldn't make (to Leslie, Lydia and Collette) new friends?

Announcer:
Connie is 12 hands high with good gums, and apparently, has broken our scale.

Malloy:
Connie, where's your bikini bottom?

Connie:
It's right here, my camel toe's eating it. See? (her bikini bottom rips)

[Late at night, Woody gets violently pinned against the wall of a dark alley by a brutal ruffian known as Manslaughter McGill]

Manslaughter:
I GOT YOU NOW, JOHNSON!

Woody:
God dammit! I thought the one place I'd be safe is a dark dead-end, alley!

Manslaughter:
SHUT THE HELL UP! Now, give me the 20 grand you owe me!

Woody:
I have got to stop betting on Quidditch! I thought Hufflepuff was due!

Manslaughter:
You'd better pay up now or I'm gunna take a glass rod, HEAT UP UP WITH A BLOW TORCH, AND STICK IT UP YOUR-

[Manslaughter gets a phone call from his wife]

Manslaughter:
Uh, heh heh. Just a second.

[Manslaughter answers it]

Manslaughter:
[nice and happy] Hello, deary! How's my lovely wife doing today? Oh, you need me to do the laundry? Oh, certainly, my love. I'll be right there in two shakes of a lamby's tail! Well, ta-ta for now! Hugs and kisses, sweety pie! Okay, bye-bye.

[Manslaughter hangs up and goes back to attacking Woody]

Woody:
Heh, heh. Your wife makes you do the laundry?

[Manslaughter slams Woody against the wall]

Manslaughter:
SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU PATHETIC BITCH! Now listen. You'd better cough up the $20,000 you owe me OR I'M TAKING A LONG THICK GLASS ROD, TWICE YOUR SIZE, HEATING IT UP TO 20,000 DEGREES, ONE FOR EVERY BUCK YOU OWE ME, AND I AM SHOVING IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR...

[Manslaughter gets another phone call]

Manslaughter:
[nice and sweet] Hi, baby! Oh, Scooters went pee-pee on the rug? Well, I'll come home and clean it up, straight away! I love you more than rainbows! Bye bye.

[Manslaughter hangs up and goes back to attacking Woody]

Manslaughter:
SO ANYWAY, GLASS ROD, BLOW TORCH, AND IT'S GOING STRAIGHT UP YOUR-

[Manslaughter gets another phone call and while he answers, he strangles Woody in a choke hold]

Manslaughter:
[nice and cheery] Hi, bubblegum fairy! Ooh, you want me to pick up Hazelnut truffles from The Cheesecake Factory? Well, sure thing fluffy kitten. [meows]

[Manslaughter hangs up once again and goes back to attacking Woody]

Manslaughter:
NOW, WHERE WAS I!?

Woody:
[choking] Glass rod? 20,000 Degrees?

Manslaughter:
Right. Thank you. ALRIGHT! I'M JUST GONNA CUT TO THE CHASE! GLASS ROD! 20,000 DEGREES! I'M GUNNA CRAM IT UP UP YOUR-

Woody:
[choking] Wait! Hold on! Give me another chance! A bet! Double or nothing!

Manslaughter:
On what!?

Woody:
[choking] Uh, hold on. Let me think.

[Woody thinks about Ethel's quote from earlier]

Ethel:
I'm winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant. It's the surest bet ever.

Woody:
[choking] On Ethel Anderson winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant!

[Manslaughter lets Woody go]

Manslaughter:
Okay, you're on. [pins him to the wall once more] AND WHEN YOU LOSE, I'M GONNA TAKE THAT AFOREMENTIONED MOLTEN HOT GLASS ROD AND THRUST IT 500 MILES UP YOUR-

[Manslaughter gets another phone call and answers it]

Manslaughter:
[nice and lovely] Hi, little lamb. Eh-Leave Woody Johnson alone? Why?

[The camera shows that Woody is actually calling him on his phone]

Woody:
[in a girly voice] Because he's a nice man.

[Manslaughter sees that it's him]

Woody:
Well, what'd she say?

Woody:
Hey, What are you doing!? I'm watching the hockey game.

Denzel:
Shut your ass up!

African-American Boy in a TV:
Man, white people. you know what I'm saying?

[Denzel laughs hilariously]

Woody:
What's so goddamn funny?

Denzel:
Quiet, boy.

African-American Boy in a TV:
Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people! [he dances]

Denzel:
[laughs hilariously] I did not see that coming.

Woody:
I can't take this crap! I'm sick of your bullshit!

Anita:
Stop it! Like it or not, we are a family now. You two need to spend the day together like father and son.

Woody:
But, Mommy...

Denzel:
Oh, Anita, I don't want to.

Anita:
No arguments!

Both:
Yes, ma'am.

Anita:
Oh, what's the matter, Malloy?

Malloy:
Daddy and Grandpa Denzel were fighting. I'm scared, gam-gam.

Anita:
Oh, you poor little bear. Here. I found this stack of hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer.

Malloy:
White people. You know what I'm saying.

Denzel:
All right, Steve. I pulled a lot of strings to help get you this gig. Hey, baby. It's my girlfriend's grandson's party, So don't screw it up.

Steve:
Don't worry. the kids will love it. I'm doing a song I wrote about guys who work on a mountain.

Denzel:
All right, Now go get' em.

Steve:
[clear throats] ♪ Mountain men, I love mountain men. Mountin' Harry, Mountin' Tom, and Mountin' Ben. Sharing the tent with my favorite dudes. I want to be mountin' men like you. They're sweaty, hairy, and hard as a rock... ♪

Denzel:
Steve, what the hell? You better play something else quick! Something for the kids!

Steve:
Ooh, I've got a cute rooster song.

Denzel:
Do it! Do it!

Steve:
♪ I'm in the barn, I'm playing with my cock. All the boys line up to pet my cock. He's thick, he's red, he's got a big old head. Why don't I just show you instead? Raise your hand if you want to see my cock. ♪

Steve:
♪ You say love, is easy. But love is painful. But love can make you cry. But love can leave you bloody. it's not easy, but love fills you up inside. ♪

[crowd cheers and whistles]

Secretary:
Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Do you really think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. You call yourself a ranger you son of a bitch?

Connie:
I peed.

Secretary:
You are the sorriest excuse the rangers I've ever seen, and I've been in this business for 15 years.

Steve:
What's your name?

Secretary:
Fuck you. That's my name.

Steve:
Is that Korean?

Secretary:
Brickleberry is the worst park in the country. Fucking-auschwitz would get a better yelp review. I'm here to turn this dump around, and I'm not leaving until I do. there are going to be changes. Number 1: Drug tests.

Denzel:
It's been a pleasure working here. I'm gonna miss all of you. Bye-bye [he leaves]

Secretary:
That bring us to Woody Johnson. You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.

Woody:
Dick Factory? Is that where they make dicks, or is it a factory made out of dicks?

Secretary:
Shut up, you idiot! I should fire your fat ass.

Woody:
No! Please give me another chance I know this park sucks, But I'll have a plan to fix everything first thing in the morning.

Secretary:
All right, Johnson, but it better be good or there'll be hell to pay. [she leaves, door open]

Steve:
Bye, Fuck you.

[door close]

Woody:
[shows the Secretary on projector a stick-figure drawing of her, imitating her voice] I'm a hateful bitch with a dried up snatch! What's that in the sky? OH NO, IT'S WOODY'S ASSHOLE!!! [Woody draws squiggles all over the picture with a brown marker] It's covering me in shit but I love it, cause I'm such a nasty poop-eating slut! [draws an additional caricature of her face eating Woody's poop] It's in my mouth! YUM-YUM-YUMMMMY!!! [turns off projector] And there's my plan, what do you think?

Secretary:
[not pleased] HOW DARE YOU JOHNSON! I'm gonna....

Woody:
[interrupts, also angry] Gonna what? You can't fire me, I'm in the GODDAMN RANGER UNION!!

Secretary:
There's no such thing as a Ranger Union!

Woody:
Huh? [glares at Malloy]

Malloy:
Ooooh, sorry, I forgot I made that up.

Malloy:
Great job, Woody. This place is almost as bad as a comfort inn.

Buella:
Goddamn you, Jim! I told you to pay the light bill.

Firecracker Jim:
I hope they do shut it off so I won't be able to see you damn ugly face!

[Jim leaps onto Buella's face and starts punching her and the two beat each other up]

Ethel:
Steve, we need to talk. Whoa.

Jorge:
Oh yeah, That's hot.

Ethel:
This for a magazine or something?

Jorge:
No, no, just for me. Now, bend over and show me your pooterus.

Ethel:
Steve, I owe you an apology. I've been horrible to you lately, but seeing you like this...oh, and like that...and not so much that one. But it makes me realize that I do want to have this baby with you.

Steve:
That's great, Ethel.

Ethel:
So what do you say you and I go on some perfectly safe family fun activities?

Denzel:
So last night, when my girl said she wanted to slip into something more comfortable, I didn't know she meant a coma. [laughs] Hey, what's wrong with you, that's funny. I mean, it's sad, too, 'cause she died.

Connie:
I'm sick of being called ugly, Denzel. There's only so much a girl can take. One day I'm gonna snap, and when I do...

Denzel:
Calm down. At least I appreciate you.

Connie:
Really?

Denzel:
Sure. Ugly people like you exist to make people appreciate handsome people like me.

Connie:
I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!

[Connie furiously steps and accidentally make empty toxic barrels collapse into a river, Connie and Denzel are on a river and they falls into a waterfall, Connie breathing Denzel to save his life]

Denzel:
[coughing] What are you doing?

Connie:
I was saving your life.

Denzel:
Next time let me die! where the hell are we?

Connie:
Looks like the deserted island.

Denzel:
Damn, It's just like my dream. Only you ain't Cloris Leachman with a hot wings for a clitoris.

Connie:
I'm scared, Denzel. What if no one ever finds us here? I'll die of virgin! Unless...

Denzel:
Yeah, I'm gonna be real sad at your virgin funeral.

Woody:
[sees an Eskimo humping a coconut right outside Ford's office] Jesus, who wrote this shit? [Camera pans to Bobby and BoDean revealed as being the show's "Riters"]

Bobby:
[excited with his brainstorm] And then, he fucked the coconut!

BoDean:
[satisfied] Hello Emmy! [keeps typing into his unplugged computer]

Steve:
[walks through one jump rope leap], Whew! Okay, I did the rope. I did half a sit up. Why can't I lose weight?!! [shakes his pot belly] All I've been eating are these rice cakes. [picks one up]

Denzel:
[agitated] Those are Rice Krispie Treats dumbass!

Amber:
I'm here about the job?

Ethel:
Yeah, actually, we've already decided...

Woody:
That you're hired.

Amber:
Oh, goodie!

Ethel:
WHAT!?

Connie:
Yes!

Ethel:
Woody, how could you possibly hire that girl?! Do you know what she did her first morning on the job?

Lady:
You shot my husband!

Amber:
Oh, I thought he was a bear attacking you.

Lady:
He's not a bear! He's just Armenian.

Armenian guy:
It's okay, She's hot.

Amber:
[gasped] Bear! [she shoot an Armenian man with a gun]

Woody:
So the world has one less clogged shower drain. Amber ain't going anywhere, Ethel.

Amber:
Good morning, everybody.

Amber:
Well, I'll really miss that nigger when he goes to the fire tower.

Ethel:
Whoa. We don't use that term here.

Amber:
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really miss that nigger when he goes to the "watch-tower".

Woody:
Aw, I've never seen racism be so adorable.

Ethel:
Well, I'm sure Denzel wouldn't agree.

Denzel:
Yes, I would. It's only wrong when ugly people say it. Bye, Amber.

Amber:
Bye, nigger!

Ethel:
You know what? Screw you, guys! I'm going to go work on my orphan baby animal sanctuary.

Amber:
Oh, I want to go! I like baby "aminals".

Woody:
Anything for you, honeypot. Ethel, take Amber and show her the ropes.

Ethel:
Oh, I'd love to show her the ropes.

[In Ethel's thought bubble, Amber's dead in hangman]

Steve:
[in Ethel's thought bubble] Wow, she's dead and she's still hotter than Ethel.

Ethel:
God damn it!

Amber:
[she holds a parrot] Aw, cute, cute, cute!

Ethel:
Be careful! I rescued that poor little guy after his parents were killed by predators.

Amber:
Oh no, the Predator! Someone call Arnold Schwarzenigger!

Ethel:
That's not how you pronounce it, at all.

Amber:
Hey, little birdie. you don't need to be so sad. Here. [she gave it a zoloft to parrot]

Ethel:
What did you just do!?

Amber:
I gave it a zoloft to make him happy.

Ethel:
You can't give a bird zoloft!

[parrot squawks, felt tired]

Amber:
Oh no. [giggles] That adderall will take the edge off. See?

[parrot coos]

Amber:
Fly away, god's creature. [she toss a parrot onto the floor and Ethel facepalm]

Ehtel:
Thank you all for being here tonight to celebrate the opening of the Ethel Anderson orphan animal sanctuary. Hello?

Amber:
So, do Asian people see the world in letterbox?

Chinese karate teacher:
Sure, sure, whatever you say.

Ethel:
"Welcome Amber"?! We're supposed to be celebrating the grand opening of my animal sanctuary.

Woody:
Change the plans, fugly. Now scram, you're blocking my view of Amber.

Ethel:
This is my night! This is not about some racist pill-popper with nice tits!

Amber:
Aw, thanks, Ethel. And thanks for coming to my welcome party. You look so cute.

Woody:
Amber, you are so sweet for lying to Ethel like that. Give me a hug. Now one from behind.

Ethel:
Enough of this bullshit, Woody! We both know that she's not fit to do any job at Brickleberry.

Woody:
Sure she is. [to Amber] What job would you like, Amber?

Amber:
I like the baby "aminals".

Woody:
Good idea. From now on, this is the Amber Orphan "aminal" sanctuary, and you're in charge.

Ethel:
Woody, you can't do that!

Woody:
Already done. Now cut out, Nanny McPhee. You're bringing down the party.

Ethel:
Can I get something strong?

Bartender:
Beat it, sea world.

Ethel:
How's about you put me back in charge of my orphan animals?

Woody:
How about I put you in charge of getting you wall-eyed nipples away from me?

Ethel:
What? I'm hot! I'm a ten!

Malloy:
I guess that makes Connie a 13.

Woody:
Look, Scare-A-Reid. As long as Amber's around, She's in charge of the "aminals"!

Amber:
Aw, look how happy he is since I took over. I got to buy some more pills. The red kitty dogs love them. Fly away, god's creature. [she throw the baby fox under a ceiling fan to get sliced into both the upper body and lower body to fall on the floor] Yay! Now there's 2 kitty dogs!

[Ethel angrily groans]

Ethel:
Jesus Christ. I can't believe I fell for her too. But that ass is so...no, no, no.

[Amber sobbing]

Ethel:
Amber, are you crying?

Amber:
I thought you were the only one here that didn't look at me like piece of meat. I'm sick of getting by on my looks. and because I never had to work for anything, I suck at everything.

Ethel:
You could be a ranger, and I can help you.

Amber:
Really?

Ethel:
It's not about looks. I know for a fact that you have greatness inside of you.

Amber:
You think so?

Ethel:
Smell for yourself.

See 'n Say Farmer Says:
The coyote says...

Amber:
A-roo!

Ethel:
That's right! You're on your way to being a great ranger.

Amber:
Yay!

Ethel:
I think we're ready for the "plant or animal" coloring book. Be right back. Oh, in the meantime, study these forest flash cards.

Amber:
Oh, my god. That's a...fiery! And it's right where the sanctuary is! This is it, Amber. It's time to be a great ranger! [she runs off]

Ethel:
Amber, where'd you go? I was thinking we could do arts and crafts next. We can work our scissoring.

Connie:
Did someone say "scissoring"?

Ethel:
Amber? Amber! Has anyone seen Amber?

Woody:
Ethel, I...I think we lost her.

Amber:
I did it! I saved them! [she release some animals after she save them]

Ethel:
Whoa.

Amber:
Did I get burned a little? I can't really feel anything.

Ethel:
It's not...bad. Here. Ooh, much better.

Amber:
You were right, Ethel. I can be a great ranger!

Ethel:
So, um...thank you for your bravery, and um...

Woody:
Amber, you're fired.

Amber:
Oh! Because I have a couple of burns?

Woody:
No, because I can see through your face.

Amber:
Ethel, tell them what you told me, that it's not about looks. It's about what's on the inside?

Ethel:
You know what, Woody? Amber's right. Looks or no looks, she does belong to Brickleberry. And I know the perfect place for her.

Steve:
Dad, you busted more criminals in this park than any ranger, I'll find a way to make you proud. [his pants falls down] Starting now. [his spanx rip it off] Starting now. [farts] Ah, fuck it.

Malloy:
I haven't seen this many screaming Mexicans since bus passes went up.

Woody:
This is your fault, Malloy.

Malloy:
Why don't you just show it to them?

Woody:
NO! there's no way I'm showing my disgusting hemorrhoid to anybody! I bought this cream to shrink the bastard.

Steve:
I should've known I couldn't be a cop. I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud, Dad.

Jonah:
[offscreen] You make me proud every day, son.

Steve:
[screams] Dad?

Jonah:
You're a Brickleberry ranger just like I was. What more could a father ask?

Steve:
Didn't you ever get bored here?

Jonah:
If I did, I'd just go behind the bush and masturbate.

Steve:
Okay.

Jonah:
Son, be proud of yourself and what you are, a Brickleberry Park ranger. Now, get out there and take your park back, and If you need me, I'll be jacking off behind that bush.

Steve:
Yes, sir.

Steve:
I was wrong for not appreciating my job. Sure, being a park ranger can be boring and lame and put you at a high risk for lyme disease.

Denzel:
Now you got me wanting to quit.

Steve:
Oh, sorry. Fog brain. You know I have lyme disease. Now, I've got a plan to get these a-holes out of our park.

Ethel:
Sorry, I was zoning out. I have lyme disease.

Denzel:
We know! We all got lyme disease.

Woody:
♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.

Both:
Yes!

Ethel:
Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.

Malloy:
So is your uterus.

Woody:
Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.

Denzel:
So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?

Woody:
Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.

Malloy:
Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.

Ethel:
I'm winning this!

Connie:
No, it's mine!

Denzel:
Hands off my painted trash can lid!

Woody:
Settle down, morons! Put these on.

Steve:
Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.

Woody:
There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.

Ethel:
What happened?

Steve:
I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.

Connie:
Steve?

Steve:
Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.

[In 15 past years ago, Campers ready to challenge to Gauntlet; gunshots]

Steve's Camper:
We're gonna lose!

Steve:
I know a shortcut.

Steve's Camper:
Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."

Steve:
Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!

[offscreen; Steve's campers are getting died in explosion from the mine field]

Steve:
This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.

Steve:
Alright, kids. Who's ready for some waterless, indoor, use-your-imagination swimming? Oh my god, where are they?! What do you think you're doing?!

Connie:
We're just playing flashlight tag.

Steve:
In a dark? Somebody's gonna get hurt. [he throws a flashlight to hit a handicap camper on a face] See? Everybody back inside!

Connie:
No! we're not going back inside. And I don't want you to be my co-counselor anymore!

Steve:
You want to split-up the tribe? Fine. Let's let the kids decide who they want to be with. Me, the world's best counselor, or...

Fat Camper:
Connie, we picked Connie.

Steve:
What?! I guess you four are my only campers. At least you guys like me.

Wheelchair Handicap Camper:
We don't like you. You have our insulin.

Steve:
And don't you fucking forget it.

Ethel:
There's a finish line! The tribal shield is as good as mine...

[Handicap campers cheering]

Wheelchair Handicap Camper:
We did it!

Steve:
We did it! 1. 2. 3. 4. No dead kids!

Woody:
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Steve's tribe is the winner!

Progeria Handicap camper:
Is this a fucking trash can lid?

Pigmentation Disorder Handicap camper:
Here you go, Steve. You finally deserve this. You are the world's best counselor.

Steve:
Wow. Thanks, guys.

Pigmentation Disorder Handicap camper:
To be honest, we all were pretty sure you'll find some way to kill us.

Steve:
I think this shrunk up a little.

Ethel:
Who the hell set the thermostat to 38 degrees?

Steve:
[shivering] Woody did.

Ethel:
Woody, that is such a waste of energy! Don't you care about our planet at all?

Woody:
[babbles mockingly] Oh, shut up, Ethel. Our planet is fine. It was here 2,015 years before me, and it'll be here 2,015 years after me.

Ethel:
Wow. Don't you know anything about the history of the Earth?

Woody:
I know plenty. Here's a free history lesson. Listen and learn.

[After 2,015 years ago]

Steve:
[offscreen] ♪ Jesus! Came to Earth in a ball of fire. Jesus! He killed all the dinosaurs. Jesus! Uppercutting T-Rex. Jesus! Karate kick that motherfucker. Jesus! Making oil for Republicans. Jesus! ♪

Woody:
And that's pretty much it. Cue the theme song.

Connie:
♪ Happy Dappy Bird, I love Dappy Bird, I have no life, and I'm dead on the inside, Happy Dappy Bird! ♪ Hey! Why'd you throw away my phone?

Ethel:
Because it's up to us to counterbalance the damage that Woody is doing to this planet. We've got to go green and cut our carbon footprints to zero.

Connie:
Can I at least keep my vibrator? It's green.

Ethel:
I'm pretty sure it was white when you bought it. I feel like we've made some good progress here. I can feel Mother Earth healing.

[engine revving; parade music]

Woody:
Hey, Ethel, how do you like my "Global Warming's Bullshit" parade?

Connie:
Yay! A parade!

Ethel:
Shut up, Connie. This whole thing is a "fuck you" to me.

Connie:
What makes you feel that way?

Ethel:
That sign does.

Woody:
[laughing] Every float expands my carbon footprint, including the Woody Johnson musical farting cows.

[Cows farting in "1812 Overture"]

Denzel:
[laughing] Now, how can that not put a smile on your face?

Malloy:
I hate cows!

Denzel:
What? How could you hate cows?

Malloy:
There's something off about them. They're always watching us with those dead eyes. It's like they're planning something.

Denzel:
You scared of cows!

Malloy:
I'm not scared of cows.

Denzel:
Well, let's go say hello.

Malloy:
No, no, no!

Denzel:
[laughs] Hey, everybody, Malloy's scared of cows!

Malloy:
Okay, maybe a little. But it's because of my animal instinct. I have heightened senses. Trust me, I don't want this gift. [sniffs] Connie, it's going to be a heavy flow day.

Connie:
Thanks, Malloy.

Denzel:
Well, I think cows are cool, especially ones that can fart Mozart.

[Cows farting in "Symphony Number 40 in G Minor"]

Woody:
[laughing] Oh, Ethel, you should see the look on your stupid fa..[a cow accidentally farts, poops on his head] Ahh!

Steve:
It's beautiful, Woody.

Woody:
Yeah, but trying to make carbon footprint history to making me go broke. Steve, climb to the top of that transformer and steal me some electricity.

Steve:
I guess I gotta cut through this wire.

Woody:
Steve, you idiot! you're gonna get electrocuted! Be safe! Use the wet, non-grounded metal hedge clippers.

Steve:
Good thinking. [he uses hedge clippers to trying to cut the wire and being electrocuted]

Woody:
Oh, no! Are you okay...Hedge clippers? God damn it, Steve, you melted them!

[in alternate universe]

Woody:
These were my favorite hedge clippers, you dumb son of a...[An electric transformer falls onto him] Ow!

[back to original universe]

Steve:
Woody, move! The transformer's going to fall and crush you. I saw it happen!

Woody:
What the hell are you talking about, Steve?

Steve:
Move! [he saves Woody from transformer falls and crashes on a ground]

Woody:
Holy crap, Steve. You can see the future.

Ethel:
This was the worst day of my life!

Connie:
This was the best day of my life! How was your day, sister Ethel?

Ethel:
Greatest day ever.

Connie:
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I think we should live here forever. I really feel at home among the "Aim-ish".

Ethel:
First of all, it's "Amish"! Second, your face looks like a fat turd rolled in orangutan hair!

Connie:
But at prayer service, you said I looked like Abe Lincoln raped carrot top.

Ethel:
I need some alone time! [sighs] I guess I'll go read the bible by candlelight.

Connie:
Aw, Ethel, I'm sorry mispronounced "Am-osh". I, uh...Hey!

Ethel:
Connie!

Connie:
Is that Happy Dappy Bird?! How could you do this after you made me throw away all my stuff?

Ethel:
Living like this was just too hard.

Connie:
You're a hypocrite, and you broke the rules of our "Aa-mish" people.

Ethel:
I'm sorry, Connie.

Connie:
Sorry?! Do you know how much it sucks using a hand-cranked vibrator?! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go pick the splinters out of my cooch! I've been pissing toothpicks since Tuesday! [she walks, she close the door]

Woody:
You here to kill me, future boy?

Steve:
Woody, I'm gonna give you one more chance to shut this plant down.

Woody:
Sure. Let me just grab my shut-down button.

Steve:
Looking for this. [He used the gun] Give it up. With this collar, all I have to do is bark, and I'll know everything you're going do before you do it.

Woody:
Crap. Really? Well, what happens next? Do I beat the shit out of you?

Steve:
No.

Woody:
I do now!

[Woody attacks before Steve barks as he dodging from Woody's fists, then Woody pants]

Woody:
Oh, look, over there! Viggo Mortensen is behind you sucking himself off.

Steve:
I know you're lying. I have to look.

[Woody running away from Steve and he runs back into his cabin house, into the kitchen and refrigerator and pressing some refrigerator buttons as codes and he opens the gate and he locked up]

Woody:
Whew.

Steve:
I knew you're hide here.

[Woody screams as he runs into a taxi car]

Woody:
Quick, take me to the airport!

Steve:
So you can fly to Australia and change your name to Rick Swordfire?

Woody:
Oh, goddamn it!

[Woody runs out from taxi and he runs into a dog kennel]

Steve:
My powers are too much for you, Woody.

Woody:
Yeah, but you're still stupid. [he turned the light switch on]

[Some dogs growling and snarling as they barking is causing Steve shocking with his shocking collar]

[Last lines; series finale]

Steve:
Thank god. It was all a dream. I must've went into a coma when I got electrocuted on that transformer.

Dr. Moo-zniak:
Oh, you're awake. Just in time to go into human slavery.

Cow Solider:
We'll take it from here, Dr. Moo-zniak.

Steve:
No. No, no, nooo!!

[Quick shots show that cows have taken all over the earth, with cows assembled into families and driving cars, running restaurants and the food they eat is still dirt and grass and now appear to run businesses and towns just like humans did. In the last shot at Jorge's strip club, a nude cow girl stripper is flashing her udders (in the same way Jorge's female human strippers flash their breasts and genitalia) as male cows cheer for her and are holding cash in their hooves]

Bobby:
THIS IS AAAAAAAWESOMEEEEEEE!!