Call Me Kat, Season 1

[First lines of the series]

Kat:
Oh. You're early. Or I'm late. Either way, hello. I'm glad you're here. Let me, uh, get you caught up to speed. Earlier in the week, my mother came to me in a panic.

Sheila:
Katherine?!

Kat:
Mom, you scared the tea out of me.

Sheila:
Tara's renewing her vows. I wanted to make sure you're okay.

Kat:
Why wouldn't I be okay?

Sheila:
Because your best friend's getting 2 weddings, and you've never had one. (whispering) And you're 39.

Kat:
(whispering) Why are we whispering?

[The scene cuts right to Kat in the kitchen with her coffee on the table.]

Kat:
Oh. Thought I had more time. My mother's been extra worried about my single status since my father died, which was super hard on both of us.

Sheila:
(crying) I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Kat:
(crying) I think I want to open a cat café.

[The scene cuts right to Kat talking about a cat café.]

Kat:
So, I did. I quit my unfulfilling job as a math professor, and I opened Kat's Cat Café, where I have 2 great employees who are super helpful.

[The scene cuts right to Kat, Phil, and Randi at the cat café.]

Kat:
Whoever thinks of a good name for our new cat, gets an extra paid sick day.

Phil:
How about pudding, 'cause I could just eat him with a spoon?

Randi:
How about firework, 'cause it looks like one exploded in his ass?

Phil:
Ooh! I like that.

Kat:
That's pretty good.

[The scene cuts right to Kat sitting on the couch with her pet cat.]

Kat:
I think he's purr-fect. Now on with our show.

Kat:
One root beer, please.

Max:
I'll be with you in a minute, sir.

Kat:
Not the first time that's happened. Due to my low, resonant voice, I often get mistaken for a man on the phone. And once on video chat.

Max:
Oh, I am so sorr-- Kat?

Kat:
Max? (laughing) No way! Hot Max?

Max:
Oh.

Kat:
That was meant for you. So, how are you? What are you doing with your life?

Max:
I just got back into town, and Carter gave me a job so I'd have an answer to questions like that.

Carter:
Hey, do not let her behind the bar. She likes to play with the soda gun.

Kat:
I wasn't playing with it. I was inventing a new drink.

Carter:
I don't go to your café and invent new cats. You know what list you're on.

Kat:
It's not a good list.

Kat:
No, that's quite enough.

Sheila:
You can't handle it.

Kat:
Give it to me.

Sheila:
I don't think you should...

Kat:
Mom, stop.

[Sheila spills wine all over Kat's pantsuit. Kat's pantsuit is wet.]

Kat:
My pantsuit!

Kat:
She rents this hall, she wears a big white stupid dress, she invites 200 people, but she doesn't want to make a scene. Okay!

[The waitress spills wine all over Kat's pantsuit. Kat's pantsuit is wet, again.]

Kat:
My pantsuit! Again?!

Carter:
Sorry to hear that. When did you guys break up?

Phil:
4 months ago.

Carter:
I feel you, man. I just got my divorce papers Thursday. Hit me like a ton of bricks.

Phil:
Mmm, bless your heart.

Carter:
She was always like, you're never around. You're out at that bar every night. Because I own the bar. You knew that when you met me in the bar.

Phil:
Marty was the opposite. He used to say, "You don't want to go anywhere.". But I liked being home and tending to my garden. And I cannot be away from my sourdough starter for longer than 12 hours.

Carter:
You gotta feed the beast.

Phil:
You gotta feed the beast.

Sheila:
Well, the governor thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome. No disrespect to real IBS sufferers.

Randi:
Uh, why does the governor think that?

Sheila:
Well, my boyfriend, Preston, and I were having dinner with him and his wife, but I kept leaving the dinner table to go to the bathroom to check my phone. Apparently, my daughter doesn't know the most important rule of traveling.

Phil:
Keep your passport in your underwear?

Randi:
How many things do you keep in there, Phil?

Sheila:
The rule is, call your mother when you land. I mean, she should have gotten to Puerto Rico 3 hours ago. Have either of you heard from her?

Randi:
We have not. But then again, we've been trying to avoid her.

Sheila:
Well, I left Preston at the governor's mansion, so I don't know. I'm just going to sit here and stare at my phone. Oh, may I have a sweet tea, please?

Phil:
Sure. And just to let you know, it's pay what you can night.

Sheila:
Oh, that's fun.

Kat:
Mother, what are you doing?

Sheila:
What does it look like I'm doing? Use your logic.

Kat:
Severing our relationship?

Sheila:
Freshening things up. This is the Pantone Color of the Year: Classic Blue.

Kat:
First of all, that is University of Kentucky Blue. That is the cruelest thing you can do to a cards fan. And second of all, you have no right to just change things in my home without asking.

Sheila:
But blue is supposed to be calming.

Kat:
Do I look calm?! Do I sound calm?!

Sheila:
Trust me. When I'm finished, you'll love it. Grab a brush.

[Kat paints Sheila blue with her paint roller.]

Sheila:
Katherine!

Kat:
Well, trust me. When I'm finished, you'll love it.

[Kat and Sheila are both having a paint fight at the cat café.]

Sheila:
Help! Help! Elder abuse! Someone help me!

Kat:
She's an elder and she's abusing me! You get back here!

Wyatt:
"Go to a cat café.", I said to myself. It'll be a calm place to get some work done.

[Kat and Sheila are both having a paint fight around the cat café.]

Randi:
Now, that reminds me of when my mom used to chase me around the house with a hair brush.

Phil:
I'm back.

Kat:
Oh, Phil, I have huge news.

Phil:
You finally kissed Max in your dream.

Kat:
Less huge. You just missed a customer who asked if you could make your lemon chiffon cake for his wedding.

Phil:
Are you squeezing my piping bag? Somebody wants to eat my cake as an extension of their love?

Kat:
Does the phrase, "Eat my cake!", sound dirty to anyone else?

Randi:
Did you not just hear squeezing my piping bag?

Kat:
Here's his information. As soon as we calculate the price for the larger cake, I'll call and confirm.

Phil:
Get ready for the wedding cake of your life. Lane Gaffney?! Oh, no!

Kat:
Are you okay, Phil?

Randi:
Yeah, you look pale. I mean, paler than usual.

Phil:
Lane Gaffney is the name of the boy Marty left me for.

Kat:
Well, I'm sure it's got to be a different Lane Gaffney. I bet that he wrote his name wrong because when he introduced himself, he said his name was Wayne Staffney.

Kat:
I need to cancel my membership.

Kyle:
Do you want to transfer your membership to another location?

Kat:
Do I want to eat glass for fun? The answer's no. I just want to cancel.

Kyle:
Well, we require a 2-month notice to cancel, and you just joined last week.

Kat:
Here's the thing, Kyle. I joined this gym because I thought I was gonna get my picture in the paper. But it turns out, that's not happening. And that's okay because I also realized that your jingle just doesn't apply to me, because I was the me, I've always dreamed of, before I started coming here. So, I know this is hard on the both of us, but you got to let me go, Kyle.

Kyle:
Sorry, the cancellation clause is very clear.

Kat:
Okay. Well, I'm, I'm guessing there were some other clauses in there, too, as well. Like an inappropriate conduct clause which might require you to kick somebody out if they say, uh, threw all your pens on the floor. Or, uh, uh, what if I sexy-danced with every gym friend that comes in here? Like this gym friend. You need a sexy dance. You need a sexy dance. You need. No? No? Okay. Still nothing? Uh, what if I were to, uh, start doing the dolphin, like, right in the middle of your lobby for no apparent reason?

[Kat imitates the dolphin squeak.]

Sheila:
Katherine?

Kat:
Mother? You're a member of this gym, too?

[final lines]

Carter:
All right, little man. You download the app I told you about?

Phil:
I did, but I'm so anxious. I'm sweating through my Dolly Parton longjohns.

Max:
Oh, is it that neighborhood app? Oh, that stresses me out, too. Is it a million raccoons or are we all seeing the same raccoon?

Carter:
No, I'm helping Phil put all his bills on auto pay.

Phil:
This bitch is going digital!

Carter:
All right, Phil, you press here, you'll see all your charges from last month. Damn, Phil, $3,500 on hearing aids?! Can't you just be like old-fashioned and hold up a funnel to your ear?

Phil:
Well, I didn't buy 'em for me. I bought 'em for Henry.

Max:
Who's Henry?

Phil:
He's a gentleman I met on Silver Shepherds. It's a dating app for gay Christian seniors.

Max:
Aw, good for you, Phil. It warms my heart to know you're out there rustling up some hot shepherd tail.

Phil:
Well, we haven't actually met in person. We just chat on the phone.

Max:
Oh, so just a little phone sex?

Phil:
You better walk that dirty mind back! Maybe a little.

Kat:
I'm just doing an experiment. A little personal, social experiment. Okay, full disclosure, I'm thinking about freezing my eggs because I might want to get pregnant someday, but I'm not quite sure. I could also adopt. I'm super pro-adoption. Maybe things will work out between us and we'll do things the old-fashioned way. Or not!

[first lines]

Kat:
Alexa, remind me to call my mother every day at 6:00 PM.

Alexa:
Okay. I'll remind you every day at 6:00 PM.

Sheila:
Isn't that wonderful? Now you won't have to worry about forgetting.

Kat:
My mother decided to give me my birthday present 3 months early. I suspect so she could feel appreciated longer.

Sheila:
She can help you keep your calendar, make your grocery list.

Kat:
Alexa, make a fart sound.

Alexa:
Okay. Here's the big fart.

[A big fart sound effect is heard.]

Sheila:
Oh, Katherine. Really?!

Kat:
Hey, you don't get to control my relationship with Alexa just because you introduced us. We like to have fun. Okay? We're silly.

Sheila:
You're also almost 40 years old. Oh. That reminds me. The cemetery called.

Kat:
Oh, my gosh, they come calling now. How long did they give you?

Sheila:
They called to say that the burial plot next to me and daddy just became available.

Kat:
Wait, how does a burial plot just become available?

Sheila:
Well, they said the police wouldn't let them comment on ongoing investigations, but they assured me he's not going back in. And since you don't have a husband to be buried next to, you should scoop this one up.

Phil:
Seems like you're ready for your big date. I just came up for an outfit check.

Kat:
Oh, you don't have to tell me I look good, because I know I look good. You know how I know? Because I feel good. I feel like Lizzo, Gloria Steinem, and Marie Curie all rolled into one.

Phil:
Well, I think those women would have taken off their mustache tape by now.

Kat:
Oh, my gosh. I forgot I still had it on.

Phil:
I used to help my mama with hers at the end of every winter. It's only supposed to be on a few seconds.

Kat:
I just told you I forgot I had it on.

Phil:
Well, how long has it been?

Kat:
I don't know. I listened to that Lizzo song like 6 times. 6 times!

Phil:
I know what to do.

Kat:
No, you can't pull it off fast. Promise me you won't pull it off fast.

Phil:
I won't pull it off fast.

Kat:
Is this going to be one of those things where you say you won't pull it off fast, but then you pull it off fast?

Phil:
No, I promise I won't pull it off fast.

Kat:
Good, because I don't know where my skin ends and this thing begins.

[Phil pulls Kat's mustache off with his hand.]

Phil:
We both knew how this was going to go.

Kat:
We both knew!

Phil:
What's wrong, sugar? I meant you, Randi, not the actual sugar. But, how are you, sugar? Now, back to you, Randi.

Randi:
Daniel was supposed to be my model for a photography project at school. But now he has to leave town for work. Damn, I wish I wasn't dating a man who has a job. Oh, wait. I didn't mean it. I take that back, Lord.

Phil:
You could ask Max to pose for you. He should be a model anyway.

Randi:
The theme of the project is modern masculinity. Daniel is the first black partner at his law firm. Max is just a hot white bartender.

Phil:
I see your point. I'd still do him. But I see your point. I tell you who else should be a model, this cake pop. Where are you going with those pretty little sprinkles on you? Paris and Milan? Well, smell you.

Kat:
So, I tossed the bag in the back of my truck, got in the truck, realized it wasn't my truck, which is really problematic, because I took a sip of the coffee. Got that all sorted out. And then, when I turned the key in my truck to hightail it out of there, the perfect getaway song just happened to be playing on the radio.

Carter and Oscar:
Was it "Getaway Car" by Taylor Swift?

Oscar:
No way. You're a Swiftie.

Carter:
Don't call it that. But, yeah.

Kat:
Anyway, it was "Bad to the Bone".

Max:
That's much better.

Carter:
Debatable.

Phil:
Kat, you have got to be careful. The karma gods will make you pay for what you do not pay for.

Kat:
Oh, I have no regrets. Pete is a monster. He tried to sell me 2 snakes. That's how you end up with a hundred snakes. I know snake math!

Carter:
CJ keeps bugging me to get a snake. I said, not till you get your grades up. And it's still no.

Max:
What's up with his grades?

Carter:
They're not up. Here's what it sounds like when I make him do his homework. CJ, stop playing video games and do your homework. And he says, "I want to live with mom full time!". Then I put on some T Swift and think about my life.

Kat:
Wait. Max can help CJ.

Max:
I would love to help. I was voted teacher of the year when I taught in that remote village in Burma. I mean, I was the only teacher on that side of the mountain, but I still think I would have gotten it.

Oscar:
Hey.

Kat:
Hey.

Oscar:
I'm, uh, literally sore, like I worked out last night, like I did leg day.

Kat:
Can you stop smiling at me like that? You're making me feel exposed.

Oscar:
I'll try. Nope, not possible. And I have class tonight, so I won't see you, but I will be thinking of you and thinking of last night.

Kat:
Well, I can't stop you from thinking, so think away. Randi, Randi, can I run a moral quandary by you? You know how I had that salsa lesson with Max last night?

Randi:
Uh-huh.

Kat:
Well, afterward, I had a particularly sensual consensual evening with Oscar.

Randi:
Kat, we're roomies. I heard everything. It sounded like y'all was installing hardwood floors in there.

Kat:
Okay. Not embarrassed by that at all. Well, I'm feeling a little guilty because I think I may have transferred some of the spiciness of salsa with Max to Oscar. It was just rea--

[Randi sprays water on Kat's face with her water spray bottle.]

Kat:
What was that for?

Randi:
I told you, you were playing with fire. I had to put you out.

Kat:
Okay. But I don't want to be with Max. I want to be with Oscar.

Randi:
The problem is, you didn't tell Oscar that you were dancing with Max or getting heated up by Max. And unless you're planning a surprise party, you should hide nothing from your partner.

Kat:
Okay. But, what...

[Randi sprays water on Kat's face with her water spray bottle, again.]

Randi:
Nothing.

[first lines]

Kat:
So, yeah. I'm throwing a Cat-A-Versary party because the café's been open a year. Can you believe it? It's a fundraiser for the humane society. There'll be cats in costumes and a photo booth and kettle corn.

Carter:
Oh, kettle corn? You should've led with that. I'm in.

Kat:
Great. So how's tall and grumpy doing?

Carter:
Oh, he's a pure delight around me. But when I mentioned you earlier, he clenched his fists so hard, he broke the soda gun.

Kat:
Well, I am undeterred. Hey, Max. I would love to see you at my Cat-A-Versary party. Carter's going to be there. My mom's coming. She's auditioning for the musical "Cats" at the community theater, so she's been spending a lot of time at the café to research cat behavior.

[Kat gives the coffee to Sheila.]

Kat:
Here's your coffee, mother.

[Sheila drinks her coffee.]

Kat:
Look, I get that you're still upset with me for reaching out to your ex-girlfriend while on sleeping medication not prescribed to me, but-- Oh, men's room? Still undeterred. Deterred. Definitely deterred.

[Oscar puts up a sign that reads:
"Happy Cat-A-Versary!".]

Kat:
Wow! That looks amazing.

Oscar:
Thanks. I've been doing squats.

Sheila:
Katherine, please help me get this feline off my lap.

Kat:
Oh, Mr. Mousekers never falls asleep in someone's lap.

Sheila:
Well, he's been here quite a while, and now I have to use the ladies' room, and his weight is pressing on my bladder.

Kat:
Please don't bring up his weight. He just got his confidence back up. Mr. Mousekers! Uh-oh.

Sheila:
What's wrong?

Kat:
Mommy?

Sheila:
Yes?

Kat:
I don't think Mr. Mousekers is sleeping.

Phil:
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the oven just crapped out. I mean, honestly, can you think of anything worse to happen before our Cat-A-Versary party?

Randi:
Kat, he was old, but you gave him a great life. Every time he would lay on your laptop, you would just stop working so he could sleep there.

Phil:
And then you bought him his own computer so he could lay right by you.

Randi:
Which I'd like to call dibs on. Not the time.

Kat:
I just have that same heavy feeling in my heart that I had when my dad died. And, disturbing coincidence, they both died on top of my mother.

Oscar:
Well, just remind yourself it's a cat and not a person.

Phil:
Uh-oh.

Kat:
Yeah, I know it's a cat and not a person. A cat that I loved very deeply. The first cat I rescued. The only cat who knew how to pee on a potty. And do you know who taught him to do that? No one. He learned just by observing human behavior. He was that smart.

Oscar:
Okay, I'm sorry. That came out wrong.

Kat:
I'm gonna go upstairs for a little bit. Alone. Randi, I'm having Mr. Mousekers cremated. Can you pick up his ashes later today?

Randi:
There's nothing I'd rather do. Well, there are some things, but once again, not the time.

Kat:
And I'm gonna cancel the party. I don't even care if I don't get my deposit back on that ice cat sculpture.

Phil:
I didn't want to burst her bubble, but I'm the one who taught that cat to pee on the toilet.