Dragon Hunters

Gwizdo:
[talking in his sleep] Your honor... all expenses paid... in advance...

Gwizdo:
What the heck does he think, we get paid for goofin' off?

Zaza:
Gwizdo, there's something I have to tell you. You and Lian-Chu were orphans, right?

Gwizdo:
Yeah, and?

Zaza:
Well, don't you think that your tragedy thing there, plus suddenly having a mother, would be a real shock to his mind?

Jennyline:
You sure are lucky I like you. And you're lucky I can't read.

Zaza:
Is that what a tragedy is?

Gwizdo:
Tragedy, my young lady, is a noble art form offering a symbolic vision of the world, based on the intersection of the written text and the actor's identity.

Gwizdo:
Here's to the greatest huntin' duo of all time. To Gwizdo and Lian-Chu!

[He takes a big gulp of his drink]

Jeanneline:
If they helped to pay the rent, it would be even better.

Zaza:
What about Hector? Doesn't he count?

[Gwizdo does a spit take]

Gwizdo:
Hector?!

[He bursts out laughing]

Gwizdo:
Oh, Zaza. Don't make me laugh like that when my mouth's full.

[He continues to laugh]

Gwizdo:
7AM on the button... I'm tellin' ya, punctuality is goin' to the dogs!

Gwizdo:
[trying to pull the St. George out of a swamp] Whaddaya mean, this never woulda happened with Hector?! If he'd actually tuned up the St. George before goin' off to play Tarzan, we wouldn't have taken off with a propellor full of gunk! You just wait and see if I don't dock his next paycheck!

Lian-Chu:
He's never had a paycheck, Gwizdo.

Lian-Chu:
[to Hector] I didn't know your species was afraid of dogs.

Gwizdo:
[to Hector] And to think we've been tryin' to convince everyone that you were a dog!

[Gwizdo is strapped to a wooden frame covered in maces and axes]

Gwizdo:
Oh boy... I don't like the looks of this... Whatever you're doin', uh, could you possibly, uh, tell me, uh, what's goin' on here?

Lord of Kellmoth Island:
The girl didn't want to share her secret with us. So I thought, since you seem to be friends...

Gwizdo:
Let's not get carried away, we're not that good friends.

[a torturer steps over to Gwizdo]

Gwizdo:
Heh heh, is this all that necessary?

Lord of Kellmoth Island:
Give me the Number 2 Dead Man's Doodlewinger.

[the torturer laughs gleefully and walks away]

Gwizdo:
Zoria, sweetie, you're gonna have to tell him your secret. The little game is over.

Zoria:
But Gwizdo, I already told you, I don't have a secret.

Gwizdo:
[glaring angrily at Zoria] Well then, figure somethin' out! Invent, imagine, envision a secret!

[the torturer brings out a sinister looking black box with a red insignia on it. The Lord of Kellmoth Island opens the box and laughs sadistically]

Gwizdo:
Nooo, don't hurt meee!... What in the heck?

[Gwizdo begins to laugh uncontrollably. Pan to reveal the Lord of Kellmoth island tickling the dragon hunter's bare feet with a feather]

Gwizdo:
No! S-stop! No, no, please stop! I can't take it!

[Lian-Chu and Zoria put their hands to their faces in horror]

Lord of Kellmoth Island:
So?

Zoria:
Oh, but I already told you!

Lord of Kellmoth Island:
Bring me the Number Three!

[the torturer brings a large box containing a feather duster]

Gwizdo:
No!

[the Lord tickles Gwizdo's right foot with the feather duster]

Gwizdo:
Please, have pity! Not that! I've got a- I've got a- I've got a secret for you!

[the Lord stops tickling]

Gwizdo:
Here's the score. We're dragon hunters. Actually, we're the best dragon hunters around. And we're gettin' rid of your pigots for ya!

Lord of Kellmoth Island:
Baloney. The girl gave us the same spiel.

Gwizdo:
It's-it's-it's not baloney! W-we can prove it by mincing up those nasty beasts! Wait! You got nothin' to lose in this deal!

[the Lord starts tickling Gwizdo's left foot]

Gwizdo:
Hey! W-we'll even gut the monsters for free!

Gwizdo:
Maybe this Roger guy just wants free room and board, to sleep in our beds, and eat your cooking.

Jennyline:
Kind of like you guys.

Gwizdo:
Guess what's in my pocket?

Jennyline:
My rent?

Gwizdo:
Noo, better.

Jennyline:
An engagement ring?

[Gwizdo presents an advertisement to her]

Gwizdo:
Look at this masterpiece. I put 'em up all over the place! "Got a dragon pestering you? Gwizdo and Lian-Chu get rid of your trash for a big wad of cash!" [He chuckles to himself] Happy now?

[Jennyline's eyes narrow]

Gwizdo:
Look closer. You see what I see? Hordes of desperate customers bangin' down our door!

Jennyline:
[grabbing the advertisement] Let me see that. Say, these posters must have cost a bundle to print. The paper, the ink. How would you like to explain where you got the money to have these all made?

Gwizdo:
[nervously] Eh, well, eh, the money came from, uh...

Jennyline:
Listen here. I just hope for your sake it's got nothing to do with the sudden disappearance of my silverware!

Gwizdo:
You know the old saying: A dragon hunter in time saves nine? Or ten, or, or... whatever?

Gwizdo:
My colleague's right. We only do dragons. But we do dragons well, I mean, top of the line quality work, delivery in forty-eight hours, free installation, two year guarantee and all the extras. So here's the contract, don't worry about the price, I'll fill that in later. Just put an X here, here and here.

Gwizdo:
Please let him have five toes like everyone else! Five, not not four...

Jennyline:
GWIZDO, LIAN-CHU, GET DOWN HERE!

[Gwizdo wakes with a start and Lian-Chu tumbles out of the top bunk]

Gwizdo:
Ooh.

[As Jennyline blows a bugle call, the two men hurry downstairs. Jennyline is standing, arms akimbo]

Jennyline:
I hope you're proud of yourselves now, wise guys!

Gwizdo:
[stretching] Oh, yeah. We forgot to do the dishes yesterday. Eh, that's it, right?

[Jennyline grabs Gwizdo by the front of his shirt]

Jennyline:
Zaza has disappeared!

Gwizdo:
Zaza, sweetheart, we've been really good sports. We even let you play co-pilot. But pretty please, let us handle the rest. UNDERSTAND?!? Or else it's back to the inn.

Gwizdo:
[talking in his sleep] Fifty percent? No, no, no, it should be eighty. I gotta rewrite clause eighteen...

Gwizdo:
Lordy, not exactly spring chickens, are they? Looks like rutabagas aren't quite the elixir of life.

Lian-Chu:
I like this Spartan lifestyle. No frills. It's ideal for concentration.

[Gwizdo tosses and turns on his bed of straw]

Gwizdo:
[sarcastically] You don't say.

Lian-Chu:
I feel sorry for those old men. It's weird. Maybe it's just the candlelight, but I got the feeling Albagore has aged since we got here. Say, Gwizdo, can you explain your plan to me?

Gwizdo:
Hmm.

Lian-Chu:
Since it's complicated and all?

Gwizdo:
Lian-Chu, there is no complicated plan. I just said that to impress the clients, so they think they're gettin' their money's worth. You get it?

Lian-Chu:
But what about the plan you drew?

[Gwizdo sits up]

Gwizdo:
Total bluff. Tomorrow we cross the bridge, wait for the monster and slay it with a slingshot. Wham bam, thank you ma'am, fork over the money, we hope to see you again someday.

[Lian-Chu looks at Gwizdo incredulously]

[Hector regurgitates a hairball]

Gwizdo:
OH, HAIRBALL! THOSE ARE BRAND NEW SHOES I BOUGHT THREE YEARS AGO!

[Gwizdo pulls himself up onto the deck of the St. George; he has aged down into a child]

Gwizdo:
Leapin' lizards. Thought I was a goner there.

[Lian-Chu starts in surprise. Hector stares]

Gwizdo:
What's the matter? What's eatin' you? Is there a problem?

Gwizdo:
Lian-Chu, remind me to never make fun of you or your knitting again.

Gwizdo:
Lian-Chu, I just thought of something. Today's the seventh day of the harvest month in the Year of the Bull.

Lian-Chu:
Yes, and?

[Gwizdo gets out an elaborate calendar. He presses a button and a number of arrows and symbols pop out]

Gwizdo:
Well, we have a little problem, because today in Zimbrenelle and surrounding areas, the calendar calls for an eclipse... [The cave suddenly goes dark] ... of the sun.

Lian-Chu:
Gwizdo, I'm not sure, but you know our promised land? I think this might be it.

Gwizdo:
Huh? Do you have frostbite on the brain?

Lian-Chu:
You know, where people accept us for who we are, and welcome us. Our real place in the world. Well, I think it's here.

Gwizdo:
What sort of gobbledygook are you comin' up with?

Lian-Chu:
You're the one who brought it up when we left the inn.

[Gwizdo looks surprised]

Gwizdo:
First of all, I doubt I ever said any such thing. And secondly, even if I did, it was just to reassure ya. I know how hard it was for you to leave the inn.

Lian-Chu:
So you lied to me?

Gwizdo:
Of course not. I didn't lie to ya. I was just improvisin' a bit.

[Lian-Chu sags a bit. Gwizdo sees Lian-Chu's expression and looks worried. He goes to the wall Lian-Chu is leaning on and sits on it]

Gwizdo:
Don't you think I was terrified too, with the idea of leavin' it all behind? All I wanted was to run right back to the inn to my big soft bed, the toasty fireplace and Jennyline's delicious cookin'. If I said that, it was just to reassure me, too.

Lian-Chu:
So you want to go back to the inn, too.

Gwizdo:
More than ever, Lian-Chu. More than ever before.

Lian-Chu:
But what about the pride of dragon hunters?

Gwizdo:
When yer cold and hungry, dragon pride can take a hike.

[as he listens to Billy's story, Lian-Chu sees tears streaming from Gwizdo's eyes]

Lian-Chu:
Are you crying, Gwizdo?

[Gwizdo dries his eyes]

Gwizdo:
[voice choked and quavering] Course not, you big oaf. I just got some dust in my eye.

Gwizdo:
I haven't been that good in months! They were eatin' right outta my hand! Ready to empty their pockets in gold.

Jennyline:
Don't worry. You can finish your story later.

Gwizdo:
Fat chance. Later they'll be stuffed and half-asleep. And once they've paid for their meal, they won't have a sliver of gold left.

Gwizdo:
My miserable life has come full circle now. I'll never find them. I came into the world alone and that's how I'll be till the end.

[Gwizdo is sitting on the ground cross-legged, clutching the contract and trying in vain not to cry]

Lian-Chu:
What's wrong, Gwizdo? Is the contract that bad?

Gwizdo:
[voice choked] On the contrary. It's the most beautiful contract I've ever seen and it's gonna make us rich.

Lian-Chu:
So, you're feeling better, then?

[Gwizdo's face morphs into an ugly gurn, his eyes brimming with tears]

Gwizdo:
On the contrary. I've never felt so awful in my life. You can even negotiate better contracts that I can.

[He bursts out sobbing]

Gwizdo:
I'm such a loser!

Zaza:
I never understood why Lian-Chu never told me his village was destroyed by a dragon.

Gwizdo:
Lian-Chu and I are hunters, Zaza, and we hunters never whine about our misfortune.

Zaza:
I don't get it. It seems to me you whine pretty much all the time, Gwizdo.

Gwizdo:
Zaza, let me make things clear. You're here because your mother wanted you out of her hair. It wasn't my idea, I certainly don't need your help to find Lian-Chu!

Zaza:
Maybe, but you need me to talk to him.

Gwizdo:
Ha! Now that's a good one. If anybody here can talk to my friend Lian-Chu, it's me.

Zaza:
Okay, so why didn't he say anything to you, then? Why didn't he say it was the anniversary of the destruction of his village?

Gwizdo:
[raging] Hector, hold me back or I'm gonna do something I'll regret!

Hector:
Lian-Chu! Feather! [He goes to where Gwizdo is sitting on a log and dozing and tickles his nose. The dragon hunter wakes up, annoyed]

Gwizdo:
Stop it, Hector, I was tryin' to take a nap. You want me to SHOVE THAT STUPID FEATHER DOWN YOUR THROAT?!

Lian-Chu:
I fear the worst.

Gwizdo:
[sarcastically] It's so nice when you try to cheer me up.

[Gwizdo goes tumbling into the main hall]

Gwizdo:
Oh boy! You gotta help me! Oh my gosh. In the kitchen... I-I could be wrong. But I-I think that she thinks that the- Oh my goodness! No! I gotta be mistaken. Please... Ohboyohboyohboyohboy... Now, don't get me wrong, I like livin' here. That's not the issue. The rent's okay, if I ever pay it, and let's face it, I'll never pay it... And sure, Jennyline's a woman of charm. Well, Jennyline's a woman. Okay, she's Jennyline. What I mean is, I-I like her, but, uh-h-h... SHE WANTS TO MARRY ME!

Jennyline:
[to Zaza] He is the nicest, loveliest, kindest, handsomest, richest man I have ever met. And he's going to be just like a father to you.

Gwizdo:
He's only after your money, you know.

Jennyline:
No, he's not!

Gwizdo:
[scoffing] He is an ugly brute. If I was that ugly, I wouldn't come out during the day! No looks, no charm, the guy's a pig.

[Leopold grunts]

Gwizdo:
Sorry about that, Leopold. He's got far less appeal than a pig. Of course, you saw right through him, Jennyline. You're not gonna marry that two bit lose-

[Jennyline punches Gwizdo in the face and sends him flying into a wall]

Jennyline:
How dare you speak of the man I love like that!

Gwizdo:
[dazed] I'll get us outta this... I'll think of somethin'...

Lian-Chu:
[looking at Gwizdo's poster] That face says something to me.

'[Gwizdo snatches the poster]

Gwizdo:
Oh, yeah? You wanna know what this guy says?

[He holds the poster up in front of his face to speak as the person on the poster]

Gwizdo:
"Hello, Lian-Chu. It's me, your competition. Let me tell you: Your dragon hunting days are OVER! Your successful career: OVER! Life as you know it in that cozy little inn where you like to hang your hat: OVER! Nyahahahahahahahaha! Easy come, easy go. Nyehehe. See you. Buh-bye. Sayonara. Have fun in the poor house. Nyahahahahaha! Ruin. Ee-hee. Ee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee."

[He looks up at the interior of the Snoring Dragon]

Gwizdo:
I gotta admit, Jennyline, it is a cozy little inn.

[the Mimikar inspects our heroes, who are chained to a wooden frame]

Gwizdo:
Lian-Chu, the reason you can't feel your body anymore is not because you're clean. It's because you were poisoned.

Lian-Chu:
You mean to say you took all those risks just to save me? Oh, Gwizdo, I don't know what to say.

Gwizdo:
Well, given the present circumstances, "Farewell" might be a good start.

[the Mimikar spits fire onto its hands and rubs them together]

Lian-Chu:
It's not farewell. You wanted to save me, now I'll save you.

[Lian-Chu tears the chains off of his hands and lands on his back with a crash. With all his might he starts pushing on both sides of the wooden frame from the middle. The Mimikar prepares to breathe more fire]

Gwizdo:
Lian-Chu, you wanna save me? How about now...?!

[Lian-Chu shatters the frame to pieces, breaking the handcuffs on Hector and Gwizdo at the same time just as the Mimikar breathes out the fire. The Mimikar starts bawling]

Gwizdo:
[ecstatically] Lian-Chu, buddy, I'll say it for the millionth time: You are simply the best.

[Lian-Chu gives Gwizdo a feeble smile and collapses]

Gwizdo:
Hmm? Lian-Chu?

[Distraught, Gwizdo runs over to Lian-Chu]

Gwizdo:
No!

[He shakes Lian-Chu's arm desperately]

Gwizdo:
Wake up, buddy! Wake up, my friend! Don't you worry, Lian-Chu, we're gonna save you!

[He looks up with a look of grim determination on his face]

Gwizdo:
The gland. Hector?

Hector:
Yes, sir!

Gwizdo:
[picking up a piece of the wooden frame] Get ready. Get ready!

[Gwizdo springs forward with the piece of wood in his hands and charges towards the Mimikar. He swings the piece of wood back, aiming it at the gland]

Gwizdo:
Hold Lian-Chu's mouth open!

[the Mimikar breathes out a gale of fire. Gwizdo hurls it forward, stumbles and lands on his face. The piece of wood is sharpened into a stake by the flames and it lands straight in the Mimikar's gland]

[Gwizdo, Lian-Chu, Hector and Chief Big Beard are flying through the sky in the St. George]

Chief Big Beard:
Hey, am I paranoid or do you guys not like me too much?

Gwizdo:
[sarcastically] Us? Not like you? Get serious. On the contrary, we think you are the greatest. Why, just this morning I was saying... Oh, wow, look at that beautiful little island!

[the dwarf goes to the edge of the St. George and takes a look]

Gwizdo:
[under his breath] Lean over more. You'll get a better view.

[With a look of vicious rage in his eyes, he reaches a trembling hand out to Chief Big Beard to push him off]

Lian-Chu:
[under his breath] Gwizdo!

[He raps Gwizdo's hand with a cane. Gwizdo clutches his hand, seething with pain, and looks up at Lian-Chu angrily. Lian-Chu waves the cane in an "uh-uh" motion. Gwizdo grudgingly continues steering. After a while they land on the island where the dragon is located and get off]

Gwizdo:
[discreetly, to Lian-Chu] We'll try the discreet approach some other time.

Gwizdo:
Flippin' fleetin' fortunes, my gold! Whatever happened to my gold?!

Lian-Chu:
Dragons to dragons, dust to dust.

Gwizdo:
I don't believe this. We've got the wrong island here. They're even dirt poorer than we are!

Gwizdo:
Lord Aldo! It's a catastrophe! A terrifying, horrible, abominable dragon is in the midst of pillaging the inhabitants, and slaughtering the village! Uh, I mean pillaging the village and slaughtering the inhabitants.

Lord Aldo:
So I hear.

[Gwizdo looks a little stunned]

Gwizdo:
Eh... you gotta do something, old man! Here's an idea. I'm gonna do you a favor. I'm gonna sandwich you in between two contracts. Ten thousand klurks and we'll turn your dragon into a distant memory. That is an incredible price. Hunters like us usually cost twice this much. Just sign your name here, here and here.

Lord Aldo:
No. We love our money too much.

Gwizdo:
Huh? Come on. Hector-

[He hastily covers his mouth]

Gwizdo:
Mh-mh

[He takes his hand away from his mouth]

Gwizdo:
I mean, the monster's gonna eat your town.

Lord Aldo:
That's too bad.

Gwizdo:
[shocked] No? You can't say that, it's, it- that's... immoral.

[Lian-Chu wakes up screaming, waking Gwizdo as well. Gwizdo peers down at him from the top bunk]

Gwizdo:
What's up with you now? You scared the pajamas off of me.

Lian-Chu:
The dragon, Gwizdo. He spoke to me again.

Gwizdo:
I already told you, Lian-Chu, dragons don't talk. You were dreamin'.

[He lifts himself back up onto his bunk again]

Gwizdo:
Goodnight.

[as Gwizdo tries going back to sleep, Lian-Chu thinks for a moment about the Sizzler's words "A real reason to hunt me"]

Lian-Chu:
Say, Gwizdo, why exactly do we hunt dragons?

[Gwizdo peers back over again]

Gwizdo:
What a question. Cause we're dragon hunters, that's why. If we were dung beetle hunters, we'd hunt dung beetles.

[He gives Lian-Chu a huge grin]

Gwizdo:
It's that simple.

[He lifts himself up onto his bunk again]

Lian-Chu:
Yes, but why are we dragon hunters?

[Once again Gwizdo peers back over the bed, annoyed]

Gwizdo:
Because it's all we know how to do. Well, you, at least.

Lian-Chu:
Hmm.

Gwizdo:
Look, Lian-Chu, you gotta hunt dragons. They're mean and nasty! They destroy entire villages, devour everybody in sight. Their feet stink to high heaven and they've got big time BO. [Once more he pulls himself onto his bunk] And what's more, they always talk with their mouths full.

Lian-Chu:
Gwizdo?

[Gwizdo once more peers over to talk to Lian-Chu]

Gwizdo:
Oh, what now?!

Lian-Chu:
You just said dragons talk!

Gwizdo:
I said that? Never. Not in a million years.

[He pulls himself back up onto his bed]

Gwizdo:
I know what I say, don't I? Look, listen, Lian-Chu, knock off the dumb questions and have a glass of water. You'll feel much better in the morning.

Gwizdo:
You gotta learn to trust people more, old boy. People like me, for instance.

[He clasps his hands together coyly]

Gwizdo:
I never lie.