Family Guy, Season 22

[two hobos are sitting on a sidewalk. One of them is wearing Lois' GILF shirt]

Hobo 1:
You know what "GILF" means, right?

Hobo 2:
Yeah. "God, I Love Fentanyl".

Peter:
You said it, pal.

Announcer:
We now return to Curb Your Enthusiasm, where Jeff Garlin just repeats everything Larry says.

Larry:
So, I put on the shirt.

Jeff:
YOU PUT ON THE SHIRT!!!

Larry:
I paid for it.

Jeff:
YOU PAID FOR IT!!!

Larry:
Eh, I'm startin' to think you're, uh, the weakest link in the cast.

Jeff:
EASILY THE WEAKEST LINK!!!

Lois:
Where did you get all this money?

Peter:
It was easy. I took out a reverse mortgage, which is that thing where ya house gives ya free money.

Lois:
Peter, how could you be so stupid?! Reverse mortgages are a total scam! Now, you need to call the bank right away, and take that Mr. Potato Head back.

Peter:
I can't. I wrote "Best Spuds 4 Life" all over the box! I almost love the box as much as the guy now.

Lois:
Peter, we could lose our house!

Peter:
Relax, Lois. Tom Selleck made a video for the wives wearin' his signature short shorts.

Selleck:
[on video] Hello, wives, I'm--

Lois:
Sold!

Brian:
I took a shower once. I was so young. When they put me in the tub, I figured it was just to rub my tummy. What a fool I was. They stripped me down like an animal, and that's when things got real. The water just kept coming. I tried to fight back, but I was half-blind from the soap. At first, Peter tried to bathe me from the side, but then he realized it'd be easier if he.. got in! When it was over, they just wiped me down with an old beach towel and threw me in the yard. I didn't get a parade. Hell, I didn't even get a chew toy.

Dog:
Thank you for your shower.

Brian:
Don't do this, Stewie. Once you get in that shower, you never come back!

Stewie:
Sorry, but I'm taking a shower, with or without you.

Brian:
Uh, we-we can't afford that U2 song.

Stewie:
[sighs] Really?

Brian:
But they will pay us to play one off their new album.

Stewie:
Yeah, that's a big Bon-no.

Cleveland:
You forgot your anniversary again.

Peter:
Yeah, and what's worse, I lied and I told Lois I had an awesome gift planned for tonight. If I don't come up with somethin' amazing, I am so screwed.

Joe:
Hey, you want to give Lois a treat? Popcorn-ucopia. Now, they're a little outfit out there in Fort Wayne, Indiana, family owned and operated for five generations over there in the "crossroads of America." Indiana's state motto. And get this. They make a metal cannister with three different kinds of popcorn, but they're separated!

Cleveland:
Maybe you should just take Lois out to a fine restaurant.

Joe:
Now, I can hear some of you saying, "Joe, why separated?"

Quagmire:
None of us are sayin' that, Joe.

Joe:
Okay, here's why. Three flavors of popcorn in one tin, and they don't mix. Unless, of course, you want them to mix. This is a home run, man.

Quagmire:
[to Peter] Kind of short notice to get a good table in any restaurant.

Joe:
I don't think you appreciate that they don't mix. Your caramel corn stays separate from your cheese corn, which stays separate from your corn corn. You see, in the past, you would need three tubs of corn.

Quagmire:
Yes, we get it! We know about the corn, Joe!

Joe:
[chuckles] Honestly, I don't think you do.

Meg:
I'm excited to start shooting these videos with you.

Peter:
Yeah, um, about the videos, I couldn't help but notice that you've got me squatting on generic Jell-O, not the name brand.

Meg:
Does it make a difference?

Peter:
[chuckles] Ho-ho-ho, d-does it make a difference? You're adorable. And why am I snorting regular cocaine when I specifically requested bacon-wrapped cocaine?

Meg:
There's no such thing as bacon-wrapped cocaine.

Peter:
Yeah, tell that to Chris Farley's autopsy photo. [starts bleeding from his nose]

Meg:
Also, your nose is bleeding heavily.

Peter:
Yeah, that's allergies. I'm allergic to bacon and cocaine.

[Lois has won the $10,000 giveaway]

Meg:
Mom, this is amazing!

Lois:
I know! I can't believe it! It's even more excitin' than the creation of broccolini!

[cut to a farmer watering his plants]

Farmer #2:
What is this new plant?

Farmer #1:
Let me ask you a question: do you like broccoli?

Farmer #2:
Not really.

Farmer #1:
Well, I think I just figured out a way to make it harder to eat.

[Lois and Meg are at the Quahog International Airport, abort to depart for their secret mother-daughter trip]

Meg:
What did you tell Dad?

Lois:
Oh, pfft, he won't even know we're gone. I got him his favorite babysitter.

[cut to Peter being tucked into bed by his babysitter]

Peter:
Lois says we're allowed to stay up past 9.

Babysitter:
The note says 9.

Peter:
Not if it's special, and we're allowed to watch Beetlejuice.

Babysitter:
The note specifically says no Beetlejuice.

[Peter runs to the restroom and slams the door]

Peter:
I'm allowed to watch Coco, and it's basically the same thing. [slams door]

Stewie:
What do you say we hit the Photo Booth and take a couple of funny photos? I've heard they have hilarious props.

Brian:
No props.

Stewie:
Yeah, no props, yeah.

Cleveland:
[narration] But Stewie did use props. And they had a big fight about it, and it took a whole other wedding for them to make up again. I'm Cleveland Brown, and I know my show was better than this.

Peter:
Me and the guys would be great at hosting one of these shows. We talk about interesting stuff all the time! Just this past weekend, we were talking about how a lot of people don't know which one is Chip and which one is Dale. Well, it's actually very simple. Chip's nose is black and Dale's nose is red. And if you need help remembering, you say chocolate chip! The Chipmunks were easier because they had big letters on their shirts, but that's Tuesday's show.

Lois:
Oh, please! All men run outta things to say to each other after 20 minutes.

Peter:
Oh, yeah? Well, if guys is so bad at talkin', how come Regis Philbin is still yappin'?

[cut to Regis Philbin's grave]

Regis Philbin:
So, Joy hands me a box and I open it, and it's the same Dawn sweater from LAST Christmas! Can you believe that?! Comin' up, Angel's David Boreanaz. Look at Kathie Lee; she's fanning herself!

Stewie:
What's going on with you? Tell me.

Chris:
I don't, I don't know.

Stewie:
You're overwhelmed trying to live up to your father's expectations, aren't you?

Chris:
Yeah, I guess.

Stewie:
Listen, your father Nikos was a proud Greek man who came to this country with nothing but a baklava and a dream, but he's gone now, and you have to accept that. Now, those people in there need a leader, not a friend. Understood?

Chris:
Yes. Thank you, Chef Ramsay. I have tremendous respect for you and what you do for people's businesses.

Stewie:
Good. Now, just don't Yelp any of the places in the show, or eat at any of my restaurants in Las Vegas.

[Meg, Chris, Stewie and Brian discover that Meg can no longer cry]

Brian:
Uh-oh! No tears means no cookies!

Chris:
Which also means no cookie business!

Jamie Lee Curtis:
Hi, I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, and I heard someone here was having a problem with feminine dryness.

Meg:
Oh, I... I think I'm all set.

Jamie:
Have you tried Sliquid feminine wash? The natural solution to feminine dryness?

Meg:
Oh, no... no. I... I think we have different problems, dawg.

Chris:
I'd hear her out. Sliquid's the one feminine wash that goes on dry and doesn't drip.

Stewie:
Chris, are you selling intimacy projects with Jamie Lee Curtis?

Chris:
Well, Stewie, I'd say Sliquid sells itself.

[Chris and Jamie laugh]

Meg:
It goes on dry?

Lois:
Look, I know this seems like a big change, but we don't need a television anymore.

Meg:
Yeah, Dad. A single TV console is outdated. Everyone just streams now on their individual devices.

Peter:
Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice?

Meg:
Dad, I'm just trying to bring you into the modern era.

Peter:
I see.

[takes Meg and throws her out of a castle window as she screams]

Voice:
Quiet up there!

Peter:
Sorry. Just demonstrating I'm still relevant by making a very old movie reference.

Kevin James:
Look, I'm here because now that I don't have any viewers or a job, I need you to take care of me.

Lois:
What, is that some kind of rule?

Peter:
Of course it is, Lois. In network TV, if someone shows up at your door, you have to take care of them. It's the pilot of most shows.

Lois:
Oh, really? Name 50.

Peter:
New Girl, Two and a Half Men, Punky Brewster, Perfect Strangers, Frasier, Will & Grace, Friends, Joey, Home Economics, Mom, Dads, Cheers, Hope & Faith, Raising Hope, Full House, Fuller House, King of Queens, ...

Kevin James:
That's good. I ... I think we get it.

Peter:
Oh, no, no. No, this is a name all 50 kind of show ... Too Close for Comfort, Mork & Mindy, The Nanny, Mr. Belvedere, The United States of Al, Yes Dear, Down and Out in Beverly Hills: The TV Series, Rhoda, Golden Girls, ALF, Meego, Empty Nest, Wings, My Two Dads, Evening Shade, I Dream of Jeannie, Off Centre, Webster, The Bernie Mac Show, The Return of Jezebel James, Aliens in America, Last Man on Earth, Union Square, Bram & Alice, The Grinder, $#*! My Dad Says, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Damon, Happy Endings, Big Brother Jake, Three's Company, Mama's Family and Who’s the Boss?.

Lois:
Oh, yeah? Name 50 more!

Peter:
[sigh] ... Silver Spoons, The Odd Couple, The New Odd Couple, Diff'rent Strokes, and ...

Kevin James:
Oh my God! She hung herself!

[Lois is seen hanging from the ceiling]

Peter:
Nah, naw. That's from Airplane!. We do that kind of stuff too. You can stay.

Peter:
There's the guy who started after me, and was beneath me, but now, he's like, higher up than I am. Hey, Bob.

Bob Belcher:
Hey, Darren.

Announcer:
We now return to Hulu's Pam & Tommy… Lee Jones.

Pam:
Baby, are you gonna steer the boat with your penis?

Tommy Lee Jones:
Why would I engage in such foolishness?

Lois:
Chris, if people think I'm sleepin' with a student, I could go to jail. You know, you are gonna march into school tomorrow and tell everyone the truth.

Chris:
I just wanted to be in with the cool kids no matter what. I saw popularity and I went for it.

Lois:
Oh, honey, you wanted somethin' and you lied. You were manifesting.

Chris:
I wouldn't use that awful term, but yes.

[Lois and Chris hug]

[Meg is in the Land of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the East has been crushed by a house]

Wicked Witch of the West:
Now that my sister is dead, I must have her ruby slippers.

Glinda:
Oh, no. Those shoes now belong… [casts a spell on the slippers] …to Meg.

[The slippers appear on Meg's feet, but are too small to fit properly, crushing her feet]

Meg:
AAAGGHH, FUCK!! We're not even CLOSE to the same size!!! Get 'em off!!! GET 'EM OFF!!! WAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Announcer:
In Oz, there's no place like home. For big women's shoes, there's no place like Kohl's. Kohl's: Yes, we DO have that in a wide.

Peter:
Listen, Meg, I'm glad you saved my life at the pool. But I'm sorry I came here in the first place. Everyone deserves a place of their own and I get that now. I promise I'll treat you better in the future.

Meg:
You know, we've had conversations like this again, and again, and nothing ever changes. You're a terrible father! And I'm counting the days 'till I move out of this house.

Peter:
Okay, but what if, in the spirit of inclusion, I tell you I love you in sign language?

[Peter attempts sign language, but the subtitles translate it as "Chase Bank funded the Dakota access pipeline."]

Meg:
[touched] Oh, I love you, Dad! [hugs Peter]

Peter:
[narration] But this never happened, because no one resuscitated me. I did wake up eventually, but now I need help feeding and bathing myself. I spend most of my days gettin' walked around by a nurse who talks to her sister on her phone.

Nurse:
[offscreen] Whoa, hold up! Mom gave YOU the necklace?

Peter:
That's her now.