Flight of the Conchords, Series 1

Murray:
[To Jemaine] I've told you. When you are in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend. Past or present.

Jemaine:
Yes, well, thanks for that.

Murray:
You get a love triangle, you know, a Fleetwood Mac situation. Although there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no-one gets on.

Jemaine:
Ok, I see.

Murray:
Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.

Bret:
Rumours.

Murray:
No. No, it's all true.

Jemaine:
Hey, Bret, I think I know where I went wrong.

Bret:
Hmm?

Jemaine:
I think I know where I went wrong last night.

Bret:
Yeah?

Jemaine:
Yeah, Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it weird - the whole thing with you there with the - with the light ... on.

Bret:
Yeah, I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.

Jemaine:
Yeah. It's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light. She's thinking, "Oh this is a nice situation." But then, "Ugh, who-- who turned on the light?"

Bret:
Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But I think it's mainly because her and I used to go out... for like six months.

Jemaine:
Yeah, well -- yeah, it's mainly because you used to go out, but also mainly because of the whole situation with the light.

Bret:
Yeah, but the last thing you want to see when you're hooking up is your ex in the same room.

Jemaine:
Yeah, and you also don't want to be startled by a light, do you?

Jemaine:
[Trying to stop Sally from dumping him] I'm usually more charismatic than this.

Eddie:
The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?

Jemaine:
Sounds like something a lamppost could do. That's all but you just never thought of it before.

Eddie:
You know what you're sign material this guy over thinks things OK You can't over think in this business, you cannot. What if the wind comes, and blows it away, you ever think of that Enrico Fermi?

Bret:
Oh we can hold it, it won't be a problem.

Eddie:
You have the right attitude, you have what I like to call the wrong attitude.

Jemaine:
I can't believe you got that job and I didn't.

Bret:
You know, you've got to work on your people skills.

Jemaine:
Yeah, shut up, Bret.

Mugger:
What is this? Why does this phone have a camera glued to it?

Bret:
It's a camera phone. Jemaine wanted one for his birthday.

Mugger:
[To other mugger] Look at this. [To Bret] Oh yeah? Where'd you get it?

Bret:
I made it. It's homemade.

Mugger:
Yeah, it's a piece of shit.

Bret:
Well, how come Jemaine likes it so much?

Jemaine:
You can have it.

Mel:
Oh my God. Jemaine, are you okay?

Jemaine:
Yeah.

Mel:
You're out? Did the cops try to strip search you?

Jemaine:
No.

Mel:
Did they find anything?

Jemaine:
No, they didn't strip search me.

Mel:
Oh, I--I thought you said they did.

Jemaine:
No.

Mel:
Oh, well, did any of your cellmates, you know, rape you in the a--

Jemaine:
No. No no no.

Mel:
Oh good, good. Cause if—if I was a convict, you know, and I was in a cell with a pretty boy like you, I would definitely wait till lights out, put my hand over your mouth—

Jemaine:
I've gotta—I've gotta go.

[in the middle of the Second Annual Flight of the Conchords Fan Club meeting]

Murray:
Alright, Item 3. Now if one of the band members was to have a girlfriend, would you find that... A: Very Positive; B: Positive...

Mel:
Why do... why do you ask?

Murray:
No reason.

Mel:
Has Bret got a girlfriend?

Murray:
Yes. He's seeing a girl from work. Coco.

Mel:
[snaps the tip of her pencil, twitches nervously, then recovers] Oh... heh. Wow. Well that's great that Bret has a girlfriend. That's really great.

Murray:
You don't think that Bret's any less available now that he's...

Mel:
Oh no... heh. Is she pretty?

Murray:
You're still interested in the band then? Even though...

Mel:
Yes, it's nice for Bret to have a girlfriend.

Murray:
Good.

Mel:
Yes.

Murray:
Alright. You're sure?

Mel:
Yes! [chuckles] Is she stupid?

Murray:
You've still got Jemaine anyway. And he's always available, isn't he? He's not gonna... not gonna get a girlfriend any time soon, so...

Mel:
Just ummm...

Murray:
Try your chances with him, can't you?

Mel:
Mmmhmm. Does... does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? A bit?

Murray:
A little bit. 'Round the eyes.

Mel:
Oh yeah? Big eyes, huh?

Murray:
Well she's... she's got eyes.

Jemaine:
[after following Bret and Coco onto a bus] Bret.

Bret:
[surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?

Jemaine:
Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.

Bret:
Really?

Jemaine:
Yeah, on one condition, that you... [makes hand to throat gesture and points at Coco]

Bret:
I'm not gonna kill her, man.

Jemaine:
No just leave - just leave her, not...

Bret:
Oh, no, I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco.

Coco:
I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want.

Bret:
Shush baby.

Coco:
I-I don't really see us as a long-term...

Bret:
Shush.

Jemaine:
So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?

Bret:
Well, it’s gonna be Coco.

Jemaine:
Oh, are you sure?

Bret:
Yeah.

Jemaine:
Oh, I thought you - I was sure you were gonna say the band.

Bret:
[Shakes head] No I'm staying with Coco.

Jemaine:
[sighs] I guess you can still be in the band.

Bret:
Okay, yeah all right.

Jemaine:
Okay.

Bret:
Cool.

Jemaine:
Okay, well I'll see you later. [gets up to leave]

Bret:
I'll see you at band practice.

Jemaine:
[sits down again] Actually I'm gonna wait until the bus stops and then I'll get off.

Jemaine:
[fake coughing] Yoko!

Bret:
What'd you say?

Jemaine:
Oh, nothing, just had a bit of a cough.

Bret:
Oh. Okay.

Jemaine:
No, it wasn't a real cough. I said Yoko.

Bret:
Why'd you say that? She's nothing like Yoko.

Jemaine:
Ono, she isn't

Murray:
Jemaine, you're putting "oh no" together to sound like "Ono."

Jemaine:
Ono, I didn't.

Murray:
You did it again!

Jemaine:
Ono, did I?

Jemaine:
It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.

Murray:
More like a 'compartment'.

Murray:
Jemaine?

Jemaine:
...Present.

Murray:
Bret?

Bret:
Yep.

Murray:
And Murray... yes, present, thank you... I'm always here anyway, I don't know why I bother with my line.

Jemaine:
[as David Bowie] Wear the eye patch, Bret, wear the funky, funky eye patch.

Jemaine:
[as David Bowie] So, you showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company.

Bret:
That was your idea.

Jemaine Bowie:
I didn't mean something like that, I only meant something like... I don't know, wear make-up, or—

Bret:
Yeah, I was wearing make-up... I had lightning bolts on my wanger.

Jemaine Bowie:
I meant on your face, Bret... On your face.

Bret:
Can I please have a look at the lyrics? [Looks at notepad] This is another one of your weird songs, man.

Jemaine:
In what way?

Bret:
What's that about 'Sometimes I put a wig on you when we're on tour'?

Jemaine:
Put a wig on you? No. It didn't say anything like that.

Bret:
That's definitely a bit gay.

Jemaine:
What is?

Bret:
Putting a wig on me while I'm asleep.

Jemaine:
I think, sometimes you hear what you wanna hear. It wouldn't be gay to put a wig on a man and pretend they're a woman. How could that be gay if you're pretending they're a woman? Not that I did it.

Bret:
So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.

Jemaine:
Is that the norm?

Dave:
Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.

Bret:
What do you mean, people like us?

Dave:
You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...

Jemaine:
We're not English.

Dave:
Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.

Jemaine:
What about black people?

Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.

Bret:
Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?

Dave:
Yeah, sometimes.

Jemaine:
But you're our best friend.

Dave:
I know.

Jemaine:
It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.

Sinjay:
Yeah...

Jemaine:
Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.

Sinjay:
That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.

Jemaine:
No you're thinking of Australians.

Bret:
Yea that's Australians.

Sinjay:
No, no, no, New Zealanders. You throw another shrimp on the barbie and ride around on your kangaroos all day.

Bret:
No, no, no, that's Australians.

Jemaine:
You're thinking of Australians. That's not us.

Sinjay:
[Aghast] I've totally confused you with Australians? I - I feel terrible. Your accents sound similar.

Jemaine:
No, no, our accents are completely different, they're like [high-pitched] "where's the car" and we're like [normal voice] "Where's the car."

Sinjay:
You know what? Here, have some of my fruit, please, I feel terrible. [to Bret] You want that Red Delicious still?

Bret:
Oh, I would love that Red Delicious, yeah.

Sinjay:
[to Jemaine] You still want that banana?

Jemaine:
Thank you, I would love that banana.

Sinjay:
[handing him a red apple] This Red Delicious is on me.

Murray:
[Referring to music producer Quincy Jones] What are some albums that he's produced, Bret?

Bret:
Michael Jackson's "Off The Wall"?.

Murray:
Yeah....woah! I'll say he is....He's crazy, off the planet. Isn't he gonna freeze himself?

Jemaine:
Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?

Bret:
I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.

Jemaine:
What?

Bret:
Yeah, Iraq.

Jemaine:
Iraq?

Bret:
Yeah.

Jemaine:
Lisa?

Bret:
Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.

Jemaine:
But she works in the croissant shop.

Bret:
Yeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.

Murray:
Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.

Bret:
The Grand Canyon one?

Jemaine:
Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever.

Murray:
I'm so angry, I feel like swearing.

Bret:
Oh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.

Murray:
Go fuck yourself, Bret!

Mel:
What was your name again?

Rain:
It's Rain.

Mel:
Oh. That's nice. Kinda like... kinda like bad weather... I remember your name from the fan list, I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?

Rain:
No.

Mel:
Oh... You don't have a computer.

Rain:
No, I have a computer.

Mel:
Oh, you can't read...

Jemaine:
You don't even know anything about threesomes.

Bret:
Have you ever had a threesome?

Jemaine:
Nearly.

Bret:
What do you mean, nearly?

Jemaine:
I've had a twosome.

Bret:
Wow. What was that like?

Jemaine:
Great. I've done it several times, man.

Bret:
Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!

Murray:
You're telling me that this is all a joke...

Jemaine:
Well not a joke...

Murray:
...organized by a couple of jesters? Is this you is it?: "Oh let's do a jest - a great big lark in the courtyard of the king and see how he takes it". Is it?

Dave:
I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, and they were like 'Dave, we wanna have a five way with you.' I just told them, 'honestly, okay.' Then I gave it to 'em. Hard. And then they were like, "Dave we want to marry you." But I was like "I don't know how they do things where you guys are from, but I don't think monogamy is legal in this country."

Bret:
Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."

Jemaine:
Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.

Bret:
I can't believe you just said that.

Bret:
Todd's not cool.

Murray:
What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?

Bret:
Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.

Murray:
No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.