How I Met Your Mother, Season 4

Future Ted:
Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me. The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows asking the question...

Ted:
[to Stella] Will you marry me?

Future Ted:
Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response.

[Flashbacks to every possible response]

Stella:
No.

[Next response]

Stella:
Oh, god no!

[Next response]

Stella:
[bursts into laughter] You want me to marry... No.

[Next response]

Stella:
Awww I'm sorry Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from the high school football team, already asked me.

Mark Johnson:
What's up, turd?

Ted:
It's TED!

[Back to present time]

Future Ted:
But if you're lucky, she might answer with the single greatest word in the English language...

Stella:
Yes.

Ted:
[about Star Wars] It's just a movie.

[Cut to Ted and Marshall watching the TV. Subtitle:
'121 awesome minutes later']

Ted:
Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.

Marshall:
No, you can't.

Ted:
Wanna watch it again?

Marshall:
Yes, I do.

Robin:
We always do this. We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, and we end up here anyway. I haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now?

Ted:
Chinese?

Robin:
Oh.

Barney:
I don't like Chinese.

Ted:
Indian?

Barney:
I just said I don't like Chinese.

Ted:
Indian isn't Chinese.

Barney:
Weird meat, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?

Ted:
Mexican?

Barney:
I just said I don't like Chinese!

Robin:
God.

Marshall:
Just a burger? Just a burger. Robin, it's so much more than "just a burger." I mean…that first bite - oh, what heaven that first bite is! The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a…a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us through food.

Lily:
And you got our wedding vows off the internet?

[Ted and Stella are arguing about whether New York or New Jersey is better]

Stella:
Bruce Springsteen.

Ted:
Sinatra.

Stella:
Yeah, he's from Hoboken...New Jersey.

Ted:
Yeah, but what city is he singing about? It's not Secaucus, Secaucus!

Marshall:
I hate New York! I'm sorry, but it's true! Today, I was walking around PriceCo. Have you ever been there? It's huge! All the stores in New York are so cramped! Every time I turn around I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the oceans to destroy bodegas! ...I'm too big for New York, okay! I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats, or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago. "Hey, guess what, people are bigger now! Build bigger doorways! What the hell is wrong with you?" ...And it's so loud. All the time. Yes, I know it's the city that never sleeps, but guess what? I like to sleep! I've been tired for eight years! Tired and scared, with black and blue marks on my elbows from trying to fit into all these tiny elf doorways! New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again! For the rest of your life! I'm not afraid to say it: I love New Jersey! [sees Lily's face] I'm just kidding.

Barney:
[in old man make-up] You there, what's your name?

Woman:
Cindy.

Barney:
Cindy. I knew it! You're the Cindy, the one that can change everything...or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson. And I am on an urgent mission from the future.

Woman:
The future?

Barney:
The future! And I can prove it! In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man. [Clears throat loudly]

[Robin slaps Ted; woman is amazed]

Barney:
In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane...but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him. Tonight.

Woman:
What?

Barney:
Sleep with Barney Stinson, tonight, in whatever way he wants it...or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race!

Woman:
What are you talking about?

Barney:
I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!

[Barney returns a few minutes later, looking like himself]

Woman:
Oh my God! You're-oh my God! Can I buy you a drink?

Barney:
Well, I guess I have time for one drink, and forty-five minutes to an hour of some other activity. But after that I have to get back to, uh, a secret research project I'm working on.

Woman:
Global warming?

Barney:
My god. How did you know that?

Robin:
Wait, whoa, what damage did I cause?

Marshall:
Remember that night where you drank the twelver of Molson and got all "Super Canadian"?

[flashback]

Robin:
[holding a hockey stick] Stanley Cup. Game six, eh? The Rangers are aboot to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.

Marshall:
Hey hey Robin, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can shoot it through the front door.

Robin:
Oh! You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log! Tally Ho! [tries to shoot the puck through the door]

Lily:
[grabs the puck] No. That's it, Robin. Gimme the stick!

Robin:
I'll give you summer teeth... Some are here, some are there.

Lily:
Robin, give me the stick!

Robin:
Take off, [shoves Lily] hoser!

Lily:
Alright, that's it!

[Robin and Lily begin to fight]

Marshall:
Go America!

Ted:
Alright, alright! Break it up! BREAK IT UP!

Barney:
Te-ed, no! You never break up a girl fight! NEVER!! [punches a hole in the wall and storms out]

Marshall:
There's no meat.

Lily:
There's no alcohol.

Marshall:
It gets worse-I am 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.

[Robin has reservations about Ted and Stella's wedding, and Ted is not pleased]

Ted:
We broke up over a year ago.

Robin:
Yeah, but that's not that long ago. Watching you marry another woman isn't exactly something I was looking forward to. I don't know, if I would change my mind about marriage and kids, it was nice to know that you were there.

Ted:
So I was your safety school. How flattering.

Robin:
That's not it. It's just that, I..

Ted:
Why are you bringing any of this up? There's nothing between us anymore.

Robin:
Well maybe there is! I mean, of course, there is, that kind of stuff just doesn't disappear without a trace. I'm not just another guest here, Ted.

Ted:
Great. We used to date, but we've both moved on and look, we got what we wanted. I'm getting married, you got your dream job in Tokyo, and we live happily ever-

Robin:
I quit my job.

Ted:
What?

Robin:
I'm moving back to New York. I thought I wanted that job, but I want to come back to my real life, and I think you should go back to yours.

Ted:
What does that supposed to mean?

Robin:
Don't get married. Look you're rushing into this, it's like you're trying to skip ahead to the end of the book. Ted, you're the most romantic guy I know; you stole a blue French horn for me, you tried to make it rain-

Ted:
I did make it rain.

Robin:
It was a coincidence, but after all that, this is how your great romantic quest comes to an end? You're just disappearing into someone else's wedding, someone else's house, someone else's life without a second thought. That's not the amazing ending that you deserve. That's not Ted Mosby.

Ted:
[after long pause] I love Stella, she's the one. You really feel that way, I guess it's a good thing you're not coming to the wedding after all. [storms out]

Marshall:
Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!

Ted:
Well, that's her business.

Barney:
Come on Ted, she left you at the altar! [gang begins arguing until Lily notices the taxi]

Lily:
Wa-wait, where's she going? Her cab just missed the turn to the Lincoln Tunnel.

Robin:
Why would anybody buy take-out food and bring it all the way back to New Jersey, anyway?

Ted:
She's going to her office.

Marshall:
No. [recounts restaurant order scene] The waiter asked her, "And you need utensils?" She said, "No, I'll just take them straight home."

Ted:
If she's going home, why are we still heading to- oh my God. Tony lives downtown. "Home" is Tony's apartment. She was gonna make me move to New Jersey, and she's moving into the city WITH TONY?!? Son of a bitch! [Gang cheers him on]

Marshall:
Finally, finally, buddy.

Ted:
I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!

Marshall:
I know, I know, and I love it! [Ted rips off window crank] Yeah, that is awesome! [to taxi driver] Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I love angry Ted!

Ted:
So do I!

[After Ted fails to deliver his 'cold-blooded' speech to Stella because he just saw Tony and Lucy happily greeting her.]

Future Ted:
And that that was it, that moment I wasn't angry anymore. I could see she was meant to be with Tony. Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face. There's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward. And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me.

[Marshall and Lily are making out on the couch when a pajama-clad Robin sits down and munches ice cream with beer]

Marshall:
So Robin, how's the job and apartment search going?

Robin:
[sarcastic] Oh you didn't hear? I'm a lead anchor on CNN and I've got a penthouse overlooking Central Park made of gold! Get your head out of your ass, Marshall!

[Barney just discovered he did not sire a baby with his latest sexual conquest and tells Marshall about it]

Barney:
Marshall, great news - I'm not a father.

Marshall:
Congratulations, buddy. [Shakes Barney's hand]

Barney:
I know, this is the happiest moment of my life! Marshall, the way I feel about not having kids... I never knew I could love something this much. That's why, I'm creating a holiday. From now on, today will be known as "Not A Father's Day"!

Marshall:
Wow, you're creating a holiday.

Barney:
Why not? Everyone else gets a day - mothers, fathers, Bastille's...why can't there be a day for those who are single and like it that way?

Marshall:
Now you just sound like a fat girl at Valentine's Day.

Robin:
Look at those girls, Lily. Look at them and listen to what their "woos" are really saying.

Woman #1:
Woooo!

Subtitle:
I cry in the shower!

Woman #2:
Woooo!

Subtitle:
I've never been on a second date!

Jillian:
Woooo!

Subtitle:
What if I never get to be a mother?!

Woman #3:
Woooo!

Subtitle:
I'm secretly in love with Jillian!

[Woman #3 looks admiringly at Jillian]

Ted:
Woooo!

Subtitle:
My career and love life are heading nowhere!

[After Ted lands the Goliath National Bank building design job]

Ted:
Woooo!

Subtitle:
Now only my love life's a disaster!

Future Ted:
If you wanna go swimming, you don't just dive in. First you dip your toe on the water, you check the temperature see how it feels and then you slowly wade in.

Ted:
He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man.

Robin:
[explains attraction towards battle-hardened men] I come from a culture of hockey players and if a guy can throwdown, it's somewhat way hot...and scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin and if he's missing his teeth, I'm missing my pants!

Future Ted:
Kids, I can't tell you whether fighting is good or bad; and I can't tell you not to do it. I can only give you one piece of advice about fighting: don't get into a fight with your uncle Marshall. Cuz that guy's crazy.

[Barney sings sexual versions of Christmas songs whenever Ted receives a Christmas greeting card from his sister]

Barney:
[on first card, Christmas 2005, to the tune of 'Jingle Bells'] Pulling down her pants, yanking off my own, underneath the mistletoe I'll make your sister moan - OOOH! Heather's hot, Heather's hot, and we'll go all the way...

[on second card, Christmas 2006, to the tune of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas'] I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked. I wish I could see her naked...and down on all fours! [gets ribbed by Ted]

[on third card, Christmas 2007, to the tune of 'The Dreidel Song'] Ted has a little sister, gets hotter every day, and if I ever meet her with her boobies I will play - Everybody! Sister, sister, sister...

[Marshall brings Robin to a Minnesota-themed bar, the Walleye Saloon]

Robin:
[Reading placard on the bar shelf] 'I'm drinking 'till I forget the 1999 NFC Championship'?

Marshall:
That game. The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. [slams fist on table] Damn!

Bud:
[overhears Marshall's rant from bar counter] '99 NFC Championship, huh?

Marshall:
Yeah.

Bud:
Damn! [slams fist on table as well]

Robin:
You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It... it solves all disputes.

Ted:
Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace.

[flashback]

Barney:
So I explain to her... I said, "Madeleine, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."

Ted:
Every international conflict?

Barney:
Every single one, dude.

Ted:
So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...

Barney:
Gaza Strippers! Next...

Ted:
Apartheid.

Barney:
Apart thighs! What else you got?

Ted:
Cold War.

Barney:
[brief pause] Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!

Barney:
Ted, I have to tell you the truth. I'm in love with [sees Robin] tacos. What are you doing?

Robin:
I'm, uh, taking out the triz-ash. If you're, uh, looking for Ted, he left. Our little arrangement is, uh, over, by the way.

Barney:
Really? That's aws… ful.

Robin:
Awfsful?

Barney:
Yeah, it's just awfsful. What happened?

Robin:
Ah, he just insisted. He said he couldn't do it anymore because "someone's gonna get hurt." Think we all know who he meant by that.

Barney:
Do we?

Robin:
Isn't it obvious?

Barney:
Is it?

Robin:
Yeah. It's Ted. You know what a romantic he is. He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like…

Barney:
I love you.

Robin:
Exactly. He's not like you, you know? Besides, we're friends. I don't want to screw that up by getting involved. Dating friends never works out. So, uh, you want to get a taco?

Barney:
A taco?

Robin:
You love them, remember?

Barney:
Right.

Robin:
Come on, I'm hungry.

Ted:
(voiceover) So Robin and I went back to just being roommates and things went back to normal. Your Aunt Lily was right: when two exes decide to just be casual, someone always gets hurt… it just wasn't one of us.

Lily:
Fort Lager Dale, get it?

Marshall:
Minne Cider, get it?

Lily:
Aspen Yards Ale, get it?

Marshall:
Actually, no.

Lily:
Me neither. I was hoping you would.

Barney:
If I can land just one of these girls, I'll have Party School Bingo.

[Ted rifles around in the peanut bowl, not taking the bait.]

Barney:
Come on, Ted. You're the only one here.

Ted:
[mock apologetically] Oh, sorry! [mock interest] What's Party School Bingo?

Barney:
Every year, Playboy releases a list of the top party schools in the country. I take the top 25 and I make up a Bingo card. All I need is Arizona Tech, which is crazy... In league play that would normally be designated a free space.

Ted:
So, uh, how many people are in on this Party School Bingo thing?

Barney:
Oh, it's just me.

Ted:
Then what's the point, then?

Barney:
The point is to get five in a row.

Ted:
And what do you get when you get five in a row?

Barney:
I get Bingo.

[The gang checks out Robin's fan mail from Metro News 1]

Lily:
Wow. You had more fans than I thought.

Ted:
And only about 60% of them are prison inmates.

Robin:
What are these guys thinking? I am WAY past my "dating prisoners" phase. I mean, hello, I'm not 19 anymore.

[Ted has a flashback about his old Wesleyan radio gig after Robin finds it in his resume] Ted:
[as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down. Marshall: [listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool! Ted: Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is. Lily: How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche? Ted: That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu. Student: [cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway? Ted: Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...

Ted:
[as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.

Marshall:
[listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!

Ted:
Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.

Lily:
How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?

Ted:
That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.

Student:
[cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?

Ted:
Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...

Marshall:
[in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...

Marshall:
Where does this girl live?

Robin:
We're talking about a girl who got Barney Stinson to actually commit… I'm guessing Narnia.

[Barney is holding a casting call for a little boy to play his son]

Woman:
You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part!

Barney:
Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid. [over his shoulder] Bring in the four o'clocks!

Ted:
I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's new in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?

Marshall:
No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. Number three, all footage of Evil Knievel is lost. Number four, Ted calls Karen. Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark.

Lily:
I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list.

[At a staff meeting with Marshall presiding over]

Marshall:
Now, as you'll see on page 44 of the contract...

Bilson:
Hey Eriksen, when did you join AC/DC? [points to Marshall's cut-up pants]

Marshall:
[scoffs] Can we please just turn to page 44 of the contract...

Blauman:
Hey Eriksen. I think the Oliver Twist auditions are down the hall! [colleagues laugh]

Barney:
Yeah, Eriksen, please sir, can I have some more...pants? [colleagues laugh harder]

[Karen just saw Robin's earrings]

Karen:
Are those real diamond earrings?

Robin:
Yes, they are. Thank you. [smiles]

Karen:
I didn't say I like them.

Robin:
Well, I got a great deal on them.

Karen:
Cool. I'm sure the exploited diamond miners of Sierra Leone would give you a high five if they still have their fingers. [changes to happy tone] but they're really pretty.

[Lily just confessed to Ted the truth about engineering his breakups, especially that with Robin, which turned out to be accidental]

Robin:
Oh my God!

Ted:
Lily, you can't manipulate people like that! I've known you 12 years and I can honestly say I've NEVER BEEN MORE FURIOUS AT YOU!

Lily:
Well, I didn't mean to...

Ted:
No, I don't want to hear it..

Barney:
[cuts in] Whoa whoa, settle down. Let's just settle down! I have one question: [Turns to Marshall, asking about the nightshirts they are wearing] What do these bad boys feel like in bed?

Marshall:
Come, let's go see. [Marshall and Barney head to the bedroom]

Robin:
So if it weren't for you, Ted and I would still be dating?

Lily:
OR you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remain friends and [teary eyed, to Robin] you and I would never have become best friends.

Robin:
Don't even say that. [Hugs Lily]

Ted:
Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky, okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18 - that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You are so concerned with who you and Marshall are gonna end up in that front porch with-you know what, you can have it to yourselves. [leaves living room]

Marshall:
If I could nail a celebrity it would be Lily. She's the star of my heart.

Lily:
Aww. For me it would be Hugh Jackman.

Ted:
[talking about Bilson, who just fired him] After he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-prong approach which really brought him to his knees.

Barney:
You hit him with a chair?

Ted:
Yep.

Barney:
That's my boy!

Lily:
Marshall, they're in kindergarten. You don't teach basketball this way.

Marshall:
Sure you do, it's the way I learned.

Lily:
Are you kidding? What sociopath taught you this way?

[Flashback]

Young Marshall:
Come on, Dad! I'm tired!

Marvin:
Sleep is for winners! You can go to bed when you score a basket!

Young Marshall:
I'm trying!

Marvin:
Oh, let's give you two points for trying! Negative two points for having a great big head!

[Present]

Marshall:
My father gave me no quarter. And I asked for no quarter.

Lily:
[to Marshall] At tomorrow's game, if you're anything less than a teddybear stuffed with cotton-candy and rainbows, I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground. You will think the time I found your Internet search history was a picnic.

Robin:
When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream.

Ted:
[incredulous] That's the dream? The dream?!?!?! Like what Martin Luther King was talking about??

Robin:
I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups.

Barney:
I'm - wait for it - in - wait for it - love - wait for it - with - wait for it - a -wait for it - certain - wait for it...

Marshall:
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ROBIN!

Barney:
Seriously. Jesus started the whole "wait three days" thing. He waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and then they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like "Uh okayy, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the exact right number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", then BAM! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story.

Robin:
[reading "Holly's" text message for Ted] "Hey Baby, I picked up some take out from Gennaro`s, be home soon." Ok, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, it could be for a brother, or maybe her sick dad.

Ted:
Scroll down...

Robin:
[reading] "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Ok, maybe not a sick dad...or a VERY sick dad, am I right? [laughs] Sorry...

Future Ted:
The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. They'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. You have to take action. And you will! But never forget, that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever. You see the Universe has a plan kids; and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working... Making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be.. exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place. At the right time.

[Barney confronts Matthew Panning over the 200-women dare, even though he screwed up the count.]

Matthew Panning:
So Barney, great to hear from you after all this time, what's going on?

Barney:
I've had sex with 200 women! [shows the list]

Matthew:
[sees list] Good God, that's way too many. I mean, that's just gross! You sought counseling for sex addiction? Because you are a prime candidate.

Barney:
Oh, have you sought counseling for I-win-you-lose? Yeah. Suddenly, those hundred girls you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive.

Matthew:
Hundred girls? Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied!

Barney:
Sure you did.

Matthew:
I was 12, of course I was lying. I didn't have a pet Ewok either.

Barney:
Sure you didn't.

Matthew:
Your whole adult life is based on something I lied about when I was 12?

Barney:
Jealous?

Matthew:
[exasperated with Barney's response] I gotta go pick up my kids at school. Sounds like you got a lot of problems. Good luck, I guess. [leaves]

Barney:
I'm awesome. [tears up list] Okay, 200. Now what? [looks at Robin]

[Barney's just been given a speeding ticket]

NJ Policewoman:
Get out of the car.

Barney:
[in a suave voice] Why, am I under arrest?

NJ Policewoman:
No, [takes off helmet and unzips uniform blouse] you're about to be under me. [Barney looks at camera and gives a double thumbs-up]

Ted:
Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have... I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen, and waiting for it to happen, and... I guess I'm just tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.

Stella:
You know how I talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

Ted:
Really?

Stella:
I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads, and I got pulled over. So then a police officer swaggered over and said, 'Ma'am, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could!'

Ted:
For real?

Stella:
No, it's just a joke. [pause] I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here, as fast as she can.

Barney:
So what do you think of Robin?

Ted:
Barney, I really need to get to work, so...

Barney:
Great. Say you and I went suit shopping, and you happened upon a beautiful suit. A beautiful Canadian suit. Double-breasted. Mmmmmm. You try it on, and it's not exactly the right fit for you, so you put it back, then I try it on. I don't really wanna take the same suit you had your eye on, but at the same time, I really like that suit.

Ted:
Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it. Tell the suit how you feel. [pats him on the shoulder]

Barney:
Okay, but Ted, remember that that was your answer, because... [long pause] the suit is Robin. I know! [head exploding pantomime] Right?

Ted:
I'm with you, buddy.

Barney:
You are now, because I explained it to you. [embraces him]

[last words of the season]

Future Ted:
That was the year I got left at the altar, it was the year I got knocked out by a crazed bartender, the year I got fired, the year I got beat up by a goat, a girl goat at that, and damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life. Because if any one of those things hadn't happened, I never would've ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had. But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother. Because as you know, she was in that class. Of course, that story is just beginning.

Barney:
All these years, I have been busting my hump with my secret identities and my tricks and my gadgets. I mean, I'm like Batman. But this Mitch fellow? He's Superman. He just rips off his clothes and he's good to go.

Future Ted:
Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it, but i know that's pointless. So I'll leave you with these: don't ever get into a fight with uncle Marshall. That guy's freaking crazy.

Lily:
It looks like your mom kept your childhood bedroom just the way you left it.

Marshall:
That sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed.

Barney:
Hey, Karate Kid's a great movie. It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid. But, he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat.

Lily:
Wait, when you watch The Karate Kid, you actually root for that mean blond boy?

Barney:
No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate. When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid: Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo. Get your head out of your ass, Lily.

Barney:
The things I know about this company, I can never be fired. I might find myself ashore with no fingerprints or teeth, but I can never be fired.