Married... with Children, Season 6

Peg:
Al, guess what? Marcy is pregnant.

Al:
Well, congratulations Marcy, now you can finally be fitted for a bra.

Marcy:
That's right, Al, but I don't need to explain to you what it's like to carry around small things.

Jefferson:
I'm going to be a father. Don't you have anything to say to me?

Al:
Oh. Sure. It's over. You're a dead man. Today is the first day of the end of your life.

Jefferson:
I am actually looking forward to this. Our babies will grow up together, we will be on hand to raise them. In due time we will send them off to college. By that time I will be 50 and you will be 118!

[While watching television, a pregnant Peg turns to Al as he comes home looking similar to Simeon Pathetica.]

Announcer:
Note the stoop shoulders and the dull blank look.

Peg:
Can I have your autograph.

Kelly:
Mom! Bud's got more fingers then I do.

Peg:
Did you count both hands, honey?

Kelly:
Oh.

Bartender:
So, where you headed, pal?

Al:
Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.

Bartender:
Oh, L.A.!

Al sees man with head buried on bar

Al:
Hey pal, you want to hear about a real jackass? See, I have this neighbor, Jefferson, who is a real doormat to his wife. Why just the other day he...

Man lifts up head to reveal himself as Jefferson

Al:
AUGH! Oh, I mean there are so many guys named Jefferson...

Jefferson:
No worries Al, I am leaving Marcy.

Al:
Really?? How come?

Jefferson:
It was the baby convention that did it. All those swollen bellies and screaming infants proved too much for me.

Al:
That's what's wrong with this country, Peg: every time something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy. There was a fixin' man.

Bud:
You mean Grandpa Hook?

Al:
Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook, he didn't call anybody!

Peg:
It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.

Al:
One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

Al:
Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

Al:
Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars. Thank you.

Peg:
You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe salesman.

Ms. Garcia:
Really? In my country, shoe salesmen are laughed at by everyone, including beggars and the feeble-minded.

Peg:
Our countries are very much alike.

Al:
I saw those numbers just as plain as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.

Jefferson:
That's Fidel Castro.

Al:
How long was I out?

Kelly:
Six hours.

Al:
Why didn't you call 911?

Kelly:
I couldn't remember the number.

Al:
[narrating] So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

Al:
Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...

Bud:
Repulsed by you?

Kelly:
Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

Al:
No. I don't care about that, you dolts. Is she pregnant? And Marcy?

Kelly:
Do you think he's crazy?

Bud:
He must be. He didn't ask about you.

Kelly and Bud sneak into Al's workplace to spy on his "shoe groupie". Kelly motions to hide behind the cash register

Bud:
Hide here? What are we going to do when Dad makes a sale?

Kelly motions to cash register, which is coated with cobwebs

Bud:
Oh. It's Dad, get down!

Al enters workplace

Al{talking to himself}:
Open for business!

Al's optimism sharply decreases when he sees no customers. Al stares into space then buries his face in his hands. A few hours later Al still has his depressed pose

Bud:
Quite an advertisement for college, eh, Kel?

Kelly:
Huh? What are you talking about?

Leona, an ugly woman enters shoe store

Kelly & Bud{[in unison]:
It's the groupie, it's the groupie!

Leona:
I want to talk to you!

Al:
Please take a number.

Leona:
This store is about as empty as your head!

Al:
Store policy is that all customers must take a number.

Leona goes to cash register and takes a ticket

Al:
What number are you?

Leona:
One!

Al:
Now serving Number One!

Leona:
I want my money back. These shoes are as useless to me as a comb is to you. I've only worn them once, and they split at the sides.

Al:
Let me explain this. It's just like an elevator. There's a two-ton weight limit. What say I just nail the soles to your feet? It'll give you more traction when you're pulling the ice wagon.

Leona:
You'll be hearing from my attorney!

Al:
Is that the law offices of Haagen and Dazs?

Leona leaves store in rage; Bud sees that was obviously not the woman they were looking for

Al:
Now serving Number Two!

No other people are seen in store; Al goes back to burying head in hands

Bud:
The only thing Dad is cheating on is death.

Peg:
[reading "Sexual Intimacy" card] "If your lover was suddenly unable to perform..." [Al lowers head] "and was a shoe salesman, and named Al..."

Al:
Give me that. There's no way it could possibly say that. [reads the card and suddenly looks amazed] Oh, my God, it does!

Peg:
"And an old lover came to town..." They must mean Jim. "Would you have a sleazy affair with him?" ... Yeah.

Bud:
I'm really gonna take the advice of someone's who's fooled by every single disguise of the Trix Rabbit.

Kelly:
Yeah, like you know who he is before his ears flop out.

Al:
Where the music stinks and they water the drinks - the nudie bar. Where the girlies dance in their underpants - the nudie bar. Where you see their butt, but their trap stays shut - the nudie bar.

Bud:
Yo Roxanne, Grandmaster B here. That's with a big G a big B, and a real big... well.

Al:
Hey Steve, too bad Alfalfa is dead or else he could play you in the movie of your life.

Steve:
And none of you could tell me that she was married.

Peg:
We don't like to use the "M word" in front of the children.

Al:
Let me tell you something, I served my country. I played high school football. Four touchdowns in one game, yet I'm not exempt of state and federal taxes. Is this how you treat us heroes? No, you flash that badge to some registered voter. We're Bundys, we hate cops!

[Marcy has just broken up Steve and Jefferson's fight]

Steve:
He's your husband?! Were you soo depressed that you married this? Whoa, the desperation.

Jefferson:
This is the mighty Steve?! The one you used to throw in my face. The one who wasn't much too look at but at least he had a job.

Steve:
[offended] Oh you gigolos make me sick. You thik just because a man divorces his wife, you can move right in and marry her. Well, I'm back! So you can pack up your hair and profile and find some another heartbroken, discarded middle-aged woman to marry. And leave us decent folk to our happy home.

Jefferson:
Pardon me, Yogi. You're not wanted here anymore. Marcy's got a real man now.

Bud:
Dad...

Al:
Go away.

Bud:
This isn't about money.

Al:
Go away anyway.

Bud:
Dad, will you stop and listen to me.

Al:
All right, what?

Bud:
Me and Kelly want to throw a party this Saturday, the 30th. Can we? Please?

Al:
Absolutely not. I have something very important planned for that day which requires total silence. I can't get too technical, but it involves your mother, our anniversary, and me making love to her 'til I shrivel up and die. Now, if you don't mind, I am going to walk blindly in traffic.

Salesman:
Welcome to Hurricane Hole! Oops, sorry, let me get that for you.

Salesman sprays an insect on the wall

Peg:
Sir, we are on our honeymoon! You could at least have the decency to allow us to have sex and wait another eight seconds before you barge in here!

Al:
Look, I do not think I want to buy a time share.

Salesman:
I guess I have to give up...but not before I play my trump card! Salesman turns on radio, which plays Kookie, Kookie. Edd Byrnes enters, which excites Peg Say hello to Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, star of 77 Sunset Strip! Now Edd, why did you come to Hurricane Hole?

Edd Byrnes:
Because you gave me one for free, Stan.

Salesman{annoyed}:
Well Kookie, guess you were a good actor but a lousy pitchman! to Peg & Al Look, all it is are easy payments of $6 a month.

Peg:
Sir, please. My husband is on sabbatical from his job selling shoes and we just want to make love.

Salesman:
Shoe salesman?! In that case I know you cannot afford $6 timeshare payments. I want you people off the premises by 5!

Salesman and Edd Byrnes leave, but Edd has helped himself to Al's stash of girlie magazines

Peg:
Well, that still gives us plenty of time.

Peg makes out with a reluctant Al

Al:
Oh no! I have no girlie magazines! Kookie, Kookie, give me back my Big 'Uns!

Charlie Benante:
It came out of the fridge... why is it hot?

Last lines of episode

Kelly:
Hi Dad. How was Florida?

Al:
Oh, you know, hot, muggy, kitschy. What I expected.

Bud:
Did you bring anything back?

Al:
Only thing I could think of. Say hello to our new houseguest, Mr. Byrnes.

Edd Byrnes enters Bundy residence

Edd Byrnes:
Hey kids, I got a treat for each of you!

Edd hands Kelly and Bud each a comb, then goes outside

Al:
Care to tell me who those men camping out on my front lawn are?

Kelly:
Oh, that is just Anthrax, Daddy. They ate Mom's mystery pack so the Red Cross quarantined them to our house for six months.

Al:
Swell. I can only imagine what ungodly music I will be made to bear for the next six months.

Anthrax is outdoors with Edd Byrnes

Charlie Benante:
Hey, this really rocks!

Anthrax{singing in unison}:
Kookie, Kookie, lend me your comb!

Kelly:
Maybe we're worrying about nothing, I mean, maybe he'll come home in a good mood.

[Al enters.]

Al:
Why doesn't the world die?

Al:
Jefferson, do you have 79 cents?

Jefferson:
Why? You're paying off the house?

Bud:
Come on Mr. Darcy, you are just jealous that my dad is running this better than you did.

Jefferson:
Yes, I admit that with your dad in control we are making more money in a week than I did in a month, but I am worried about the attention we are attracting. Most of all, I am worried about your father. Something has changed about him.

Al enters in a white suit like a Mafia don

Al:
People to rip off, I love it! Come on you little moneymakers, daddy needs a new pair of everything!

Jefferson:
Al, you have done it this time! For the sake of my own safety, this partnership is dissolved.

Al:
Fine, more for me!

Jefferson:
I do not think you are fully aware of what you did by offending Madame Inga. Word is she is gathering all the dark forces of Sweden to invoke a curse on your house.

Al laughs uproariously

Al:
You should listen to yourself! The dark forces of Sweden?! Oh no, the Swedish are after me! What can they do? Transform my Dodge into a Volvo? See my house is now furnished by Ikea? Or even worse, I wake up one morning next to some long-legged, blonde Nordic beauty with amazing bazoombas!

Kelly:
I got invited to a party!

Bud:
A party?

Kelly:
You know when you line up your toy soldiers and put a cupcake in front of each of them? Kind of like that, only this is with real people, Bud!

Bud:
Oh hearty har har. Who invited you?

Kelly:
Must be a frat party. The return address says "Alpha".

[Bud looks at letter, then is shocked]

Bud:
Kel, this is not a fraternity. Alpha is an elite organization of people with IQs of a certain percentile. I got rejected from this!

Kelly:
[on phone] Hello, Reverend Fletcher. Has Hell frozen over? Well something's up. My brother Bud has a date! Yes, Bud! Okay, yes, church is the place to be at times like this. Okay, I'll be right down. It's the building with the big T on the roof, right? [Puts down phone and runs out the front door]

Al:
Hey Bud, Mom is sick. Get her an aspirin.

Bud:
I am bushed.

Al:
No pressure. Do it tomorrow.

Bud:
Dad, why are you dressed like that?

T-shirt:
I'M WITH ANDY

Al:
Little Andy Maynard is having his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. He is going to have pizza! [Al wraps present] Of course there is nothing in the box, but when they realize that, I will be full and gone!

Bud:
Dad, did you ever have to date two women at once?

Al:
Did I? You are talking to Old #33 here!! Do you know why they called me that?

Bud:
Because the maximim you ever had in your savings account was $33?

Al:
No! Because those are the number of girls who were all over me! My recommendation is to go with both until you tire out.

Bud:
Did I also mention one of them is over 40 and my teacher?

[Al removes T-shirt]

Al{more serious tone}:
No you did not, son. Change of plans.

Bud:
How come?

Al:
Bud, it could be possible a cougar is not after you, she could be after the Bundy fortune.

Bud:
Dad, it can't be. She can exceed our family's money from the items in her car trunk.

Bud{thinking to himself}:
Two girls all over me. God, sometimes do I envy me!

Student #1:
Hey, did you hear, Miss McGowan quit!

Student #2:
How come?

Student #1:
She ran off with an airman from Scott Air Force Base. Said she needed a real man!

Bud{thinking to himself}:
No problem, more time for the young babe.

Bud:
Good news babe, my schedule opened up.

Brittany:
Drop dead. If you couldn't satisfy the needs of an older woman than what the hell would I want with you.

Bud:
Fine by me. I am always willing to satisfy the next temp that comes by.

Ugly old woman enters classroom

Old woman:
Good morning class. My name is Mrs. Fisher and I will be your English teacher for the remainder of the school year. [Mrs. Fisher sees a student and pinches his cheeks]

Bud{thinking to himself}:
Welp, one advantage of being rock bottom is that you cannot get any lower.

Al barges into classroom with a policeman

Policeman:
You are under arrest for conducting a lewd relationship with a minor!

Policeman places Mrs. Fisher in handcuffs

Mrs. Fisher:
What on Earth is happening to me?

Al:
You pudding of a woman! You cannot seduce my son, have your way with him sexually than expect to get away scot-free! I played high school football; I know the rules!

Al{talking to Bud}:
God damn it son, did you really have to do it with that pruneface?

[Policeman ushers out Mrs. Fisher. Al departs classroom too, leaving everyone confused and leaderless. Bud goes up to teacher's desk]

Bud:
I have no idea who that man was!

Bud{thinking to himself}:
This is obviously a nightmare. I need to shock myself awake. I know, I will drop my pants in front of the entire class. That will do it!

[Offscreen, Bud lowers his pants to the shock of entire class]

Bud{thinking to himself}:
Must be even more intense. I dreamed I have no underwear!

[Al returns to classrom]

Al:
Son, I am sorry for that ruckus but damnit I love you! Oh, by the way, Mommy's out of tampons, she needs you to pick up some from the drugstore after school. [Al sees Bud] God damn it, Bud for the love of all that is holy can I ask you for ten minutes of chastity and self-control!

Kelly:
Why doesn't the world explode into a fiery pus-filled death?

Kelly:
A fat woman comes to the gate today. Her muumuu covering what must have been three or four heinies. Now she could exit through an itty-bitty turnstile or a huge gate. Guess which one she chooses. A line was forming. So I went and got a tub of butter from the Delta Burke "Let's Get Big" exhibit and oiled her up. Then I went over to Star Trek Land, hotwired the Enterprise and sent it up where no man has gone before. She goes flying like a vegetable out of Dad's mouth, right into "The Facts of Life" fan club pavilion. Thank God it's always empty. Can somebody give me a reason to live?

Captain:
This is your captain speaking. Will the gentleman in 24B please put his shoes back on? I'm choking to death.

Peg:
AL!

Al:
Oh, please. They show us the movie Dutch and they think I stink?

Al:
I'd like to talk to you today about women. I don't like 'em. I mean, you folks are English, but even you can't like women. I mean, you're sitting home, watching sports, and that's the exact time that they pick to plant their ever widening, what you call bums next to you, and ask "Remember that restaurant we went to 18 years ago. Did you think that waitress was pretty?" Then you tell them to shut up, and they get mad. Now, I'm not proposing a solution, 'cause I gotta go soon, I see my wife looking, but I'd just like to say "I don't like 'em." Now could I get a "Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM?"

Crowd:
Whoa, women. I DON'T LIKE 'EM.

Al:
Oh, by the way, am I alone in hating the French.

Crowd:
No!

Al:
I thought not.

Winston:
It is the St Paul's Cathedral.

The Bundys:
Great.

Winston:
There is Parlament.

The Bundys:
Great.

Winston:
Tower Bridge.

The Bundys:
Great.

Winston:
And the Trafalgar Square.

The Bundys:
Great.

Winston:
The Buckingham Palace.

The Bundys:
Great.

Bud:
Look! A McDonald's!

Al:
Peg, quick! Get the camera!

Peg:
You know, Al, since we're in a castle... crown me, baby!

Al:
Ah, what the hell, it's the first thing I had to pay for this whole trip. All right, Peg, go ahead and say it, what am I, baby?

Peg:
You're the king, baby.

Al:
Make me believe it.

Peg:
Who's gonna make me believe it?

Hanged Bundy Ghost:
Good evening, Bud. We are the ghosts of your ancestors.

Impaled Bundy Ghost:
Beware!

Headless Bundy Ghost:
You will die in the morning!

Disemboweled Bundy Ghost:
Run! Run while you still can!

5th Bundy Ghost:
Wanna buy some shoes?

Kelly:
Well, I just saved your worthless hides, and I think I deserve a hearty, "Good job, Kelly, thank you."

Al:
Well, you might have gotten a nice thank you if you hadn't said we'd move faster if we lightened the load, then unhitched the horse!

Winston:
Hey... come over to our side, yeah? Yeah. Your death will be quicker.

Trevor:
No! Come to our side! At least we won't eat you afterwards.

Winston:
That is an ugly rumor, started by people who are jealous! Besides, it's dark over here. We couldn't tell. It's hard to know what we were eating sometimes, wasn't it?

Al:
What're you in for?

Old Man:
Stole an ashtray from the Ritz. You?

Al:
Towel from the Suvoy. Whatta they feed ya in here?

Old Man:
Bread and water.

Al:
...Then it's truly the best vacation I ever had!

Waitress in a low-cut leotard is in bar, gaining men's attention

Waitress:
Beer! Candy! Forged backgrounds!

Al:
How much would it be to get a background of a retired NFL player?

Waitress:
$200.

Al:
Rats, too expensive! What can I get for $1?

Waitress:
The background of a shoe salesman from Illinois.

Al:
Just give me some gum. Waitress departs I do not need a forged background; I can invent my own. My new name will be...Al unwraps gum...Bazooka Joe!

Jefferson:
Good one. I can reinvent myself as...Jefferson looks at beer can...Anheuser Busch!

Al actually succeeds at building his mancave. He hears knock on door

Al:
Ah, must be that new wife I ordered from Ukraine.

Al is met by Jefferson

Jefferson:
Marcy and I had a fight and she threw me out. Can I stay here?

Al:
When I built my own room; I meant it for me.

Jefferson:
Please, Al?

Al:
All right, one night. But tell no one.

Screen flips to a bunch of guys hanging out in Al's man cave

Bud:
Dad, you got a minute?

Al:
For you, Bud? Nah.

Bud:
I'm not Bud! How many times do I have to tell you? When the hat is on, I'm Streetrapper Grandmaster B! When it's off, I'm Bud. Got it? Now, the hat is on. Who am I?

Al:
Mommy's second little joke on me?

Bud:
The Grandmaster is not amused. Now listen, Dad, I need twenty bucks for a pizza. But I need you to leave it on the coffee table so I can pretend to steal it in front of the girl. 'Cause, after all, I am an outlaw.

Al:
Well, I'm sorry, Grasshopper...

Bud:
That's Grandmaster, you fool!

Al:
Gas Passer, Bass Haster, what's the difference? All right, look, it looks like I'm gonna have to communicate with you in the language of the street. [cups his fist to his mouth, and "raps" out a beat] Yo, I'm broke!

Bud:
The Grandmaster will not forget this.

[Jefferson is managing Kelly's pool-hustling; Al comes into the bar and sees him dressed like a pimp.]

Jefferson:
Oh, hey, Al! Man, you should see your daughter hustle p...

[Al seizes Jefferson by the throat and slams him down onto the pool table.]

Al:
Say goodnight, Super Fly.

Kelly:
[comes back from the bathroom] Daddy, what are you doing here?

Al:
Stand back, Pumpkin. He's about to pop and you don't want teeth and eyes all over you.

Al:
How long was I out?

Kelly:
Two hours.

Al:
Why didn't you call 911?

Kelly:
I couldn't remember the number.

Al:
Doesn't matter. Do you know what happened to me while I was unconscious?

Bud:
Uh, yeah. Kelly opened a Coors bottle with your teeth.

Kelly (defensively):
Don't listen to him, Dad. It was only a soda. (hits Bud, in sotto voce): You had some too.

Bud (in sotto voce):
Chill out. Right in front of Dad.

Kelly:
You started it.

Al:
As I watched her leave, I suddenly realized, she really did put the bomp in the bomp-she-bomp.

[The people in the room turn and stare at Al]

Al:
[embarrassed, narrating] Uh-oh. I think I said that out loud.

Peg:
Come on, Al. Share with us what you care about.

(Al stands up)

Al:
"I Care," by Al Bundy

When hooters jiggle around

And I find nickels on the ground

I care.

When a Mustang engine purrs

And the bathroom is not hers

I care.

When the pitcher's on the mound

And the wife is underground

I care.

But when I've been playing this for days

I will kill

Anyone who stays

I swear

(Al sits back down and buries his face in his hands)

Peg:
...And if you really want a scare

Check out his underwear

If you dare.

Al (laughing):
I don't care how much you paid me. You'd never get me up on a plane skydiving.

Peg:
Al, you landed on "Kiss the Neighbors."

(Al stares at the camera. The scene flips to Biff in the plane as Al walks to the door with the parachute pack in his hands)

Biff:
Don't you want your last minute instructions?

(Al laughs deliriously and hurls himself off the plane)

Peg:
We're Bundys. We don't call the cops. People call them on us!

FBI Agent:
Open up, it's the FBI.

Steve:
That could be for me, since stealing this egg is a federal offense. And if you get any ideas, so is harboring me. If you need me, I'll be in the basement.

Peg{to Marcy, as they watch Al and Jefferson fix the workbench}:
Wow, you can almost hear the Looney Tunes theme.

Peg:
We're in trouble. Daddy's watching Shenandoah.

Bud:
No, not the one where Jimmy Stewart beats all odds to preserve his family.

Kelly:
You know when they crank up the theme song, Dad's gonna blow like a geyser.

Peg:
Can we just skip through the speech, Al, and get straight to the punishment that you will inflict upon us for being your family? What is it this time, honey? You gonna get out the horseshoe set? Boys against the girls bocce? (with dread in her voice): Oh, no, Al. Not the "Boo-Hoo with You-Know-Who At The Zoo".

Al (as he gets up from the couch):
No, Peg, because we're not allowed in the zoo, thanks to young Mr. Bundy who answered the question: "What happens when you feed a panda Pop Rocks?"

Bud:
At least I have a little intellectual curiosity. (to Kelly): And I wasn't the one pointing at the leopard yelling, "How many animals died for that coat?"

Kelly:
Well, at least I didn't pull my pants down and moon the monkeys.

(Bud and Kelly turn to Peg, who hangs her head in shame)

Bud:
Well, at least I didn't turn her in.

Kelly:
Well, at least I didn't ask the girl chimp to my prom.

Bud (defensively):
Hey, now that was a hot chimp!

Kelly:
That's sick! That's sick!

(Bud and Kelly begin strangling each other, their conversation overlapping)

Al:
Families are meant to be together.

Peg:
But we don't wanna be together.

Al:
You have no choice.

Al:
We're going to take a Sunday drive.

Kelly (picks up her head):
In the Dodge? (shrieks, and buries her face in Bud's shoulder)

Al:
Just for that, you ride in the back seat with your mother.

Al:
I'm not going to tell you now, but I have a special surprise in mind.

Bud:
You got a bumper sticker that says, "My Other Car is My Feet"?

Kelly:
You used your finger to make a really cool racing stripe in the dirt on the side of the car?

Peg:
You got a new 8-track of "Hotel California"? We can crank it as we're towed down the freeway?