Red vs. Blue, Season 2

Tucker:
Hey Church, we have a problem.

Church:
I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!

Tucker:
I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.

Caboose:
No I didn't.

Tucker:
Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?

Caboose:
You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.

Tucker:
What, what context?!

Church:
Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay ? I thought we'd established by now-

Doc:
Excuse me?

Church:
Hey pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Look, I thought we'd established by now- I don’t like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do you any good.

Doc:
Excuse me.

Church:
Okay. Yes. Hello. Who are you?

Caboose:
[Scary Voice] Don’t. Ever. Be. Alone.

Tucker:
...he’s doing that thing again!

Doc:
My name is... DuFresne. Are you Private Tucker?

Church:
No I'm not Private Tucker, my name is Church. [Turning towards Tucker] This is Private Tucker.

Tucker:
Yo!

Church:
And our friend over there in regulation blue, that's Caboose. Or... O'Malley or whatever the hell he's calling himself.

Caboose:
Why does he always introduce me second?

Tucker:
Because he hates you.

Doc:
I received your call for a medic.

Caboose:
Medic? That was like three months ago...

Church:
Yeah what'd you do? Crawl all the way here?

Doc:
I came here as quickly as I could. Where is the patient?

Church:
Well, about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down.

Doc:
Oh... I'm sorry about your loss...

Church:
What? Oh yeah. Yeah... Thanks man... That was tough but what anybody can do...

Caboose:
We didn't like her very much... [Whispering] She was mean to other people.

Doc:
And who's in the other grave.

Church:
That's eh... That's me! I'm in that grave.

Doc:
Ahem... Of course!

Caboose:
See, uh, he got killed by this, uh... crazy runaway tank-

Tucker:
[Interrupting] Or by the idiot driving it.

Caboose:
Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body. Oh, and then we had to (that's right) spray-paint him (to make him blue), and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. Who... is blue.

Doc:
I'm a pacifist.

Caboose:
You're a thing that babies suck on...

Tucker:
No, dude, that's a pedophile.

Church:
Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.

Tucker:
Oh yeah, right. Man I was... totally thinking 'bout somethin' else.

Church:
That’s real classy, Tucker.

Doc:
No, I’m just going to check your vitals.

Caboose:
I bet I have better vitals than you.

Tucker:
...

Church:
...

Caboose:
What’s a vital?

Church:
Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up a defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

Tucker:
I didn’t even know what half of that meant.

Church:
Just go over to Caboose’s rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

Tucker:
That rock? Yeah, I don’t think so.

Church:
We do not. Have time. To discuss this.

Tucker:
Sure, no time for you to discuss it! You get to hang out here with Nancy-no-bullets just shootin' the breeze! Meanwhile, I’m out there, running around, eating a machine-gun sandwich.

Church:
Tucker, we’re going to give you covering fire!

Tucker:
Covering fire? Unless that means you’re going to build a huge, bulletproof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

Church:
No problem. Oh, wait, wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

Grif:
(shaking from constant weapon recoil) Simmons, I can't feel my hands!

Simmons:
Then maybe you should lay off the trigger dumbass.

Church:
Okay, you, Doc. Get over there and help Caboose.

DuFresne:
My name isn't Doc. It's DuFresne.

Church:
Yeah, I can't pronounce that. So from now on, your name is Doc.

DuFresne:
I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.

Tucker:
What's the difference?

DuFresne:
Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.

Tucker:
Mental Note: Don't ever get shot.

Church:
It's settled then, your name is now Doc.

DuFrense/Doc:
Alright, but I don't think it'll stick. (scene pauses, background gets dark; the word "Doc" passes by in big letters)

Tucker:
Oh trust us, it'll stick.

Caboose:
I can't believe Church shot me!

Church:
[Irritated, echoing scream from nearby] Oh don't even start Caboose!

Doc:
You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

Caboose:
Uh… Oh! I got one. Uh, well, sometimes, when I fall asleep at night, I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason.

[pause]

Doc:
Okay; I'm just gonna start with the foot.

Tucker:
Why did the reds stop firing?

Church:
I don't know, they're probably out of ammo.

Sarge (from a long distance away):
Hey blue team, we are giving you a chance to surrender.

Church:
Yeah, they're definitely out of ammo.

[Tucker is coming up with an excuse on why they cannot return Lopez]

Tucker:
He was all like 'Sayonara' and he just took off!

Church:
That's not Spanish, you idiot. It's French!

Caboose:
Rest in peace, pinky toe. [Scary voice] You shall be avenged!

Doc:
Can I ask you a question? Did they put something in the water here?

Grif:
Water? We ran outta water six months ago.

Doc:
No water, then what do you drink?

Grif:
Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.

Sarge:
I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. Occasionally I do enjoy a sex on the beach, or a pina colada. [Singing] If you like pina coladas... and gettin caught in the rain... if you're not into yoga... Grif just has half a brain.

[Grif is forced to say this after the blues requested reds to admit that they suck]

Grif:
I would just like to let everyone know that I suck...

Church:
And?

Grif:
And that I'm a girl...

Church:
What else?

Grif:
... and I like ribbons in my hair ... and I want to kiss all the boys...

Sarge:
This may be the best surrender of all time.

[Sarge berates Grif for chatting with Doc]

Grif:
Come on, Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

Simmons:
Oh, well, you two will be great friends, then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

Grif:
Hey, thanks, kiss-ass! If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you!

Donut [to Simmons]:
Oh, man, that is a burn! Dude, you just got burned! Burned, dude, burned!

Simmons:
Oh shut up. Your armour's pink.

[Zooms over to blue base where Church and Tucker are chatting]

Tucker:
Hey Church, if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?

Church:
Huh... well, yeah, it's worth a shot, I guess. *Ahem* All right, stand back. [Church starts grunting for six seconds]

Tucker:
Anything?

Church:
Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it'd be.

Tucker:
Maybe there's a button on you somewhere.

Church:
See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here. [Begins grunting again] Oh, hey.

Tucker:
Found it?

Church:
Nah, no, wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently 26 degrees, by the way.

Tucker:
What? It's not 26 degrees out here, that's freezing.

Church:
Celsius, Tucker.

Tucker:
Come on dude, Celsius sucks. [Tucker bends down to only find a switch in Church's crotch] Hey, I found something.

Church:
Oh yeah, you found a button?

Tucker:
No dude, it's more like a...switch.

Church:
Well, give it a flip. [Tucker stand up to face Church]

Tucker:
I don't wanna flip it.

Church:
What's the problem?

Tucker:
It's in a weird place.

Church:
Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

Tucker:
You flip it!

Church:
These arms aren't that flexible. I can't even reach down there.

Tucker:
What about Caboose?

Church:
Aw man, he's so stupid. I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.

Tucker:
Aw man.

Church:
Tucker, come on! We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner. [Tucker bends down to flip the switch but comes back up, unsuccessful]

Tucker:
It won't move. Its stuck.

Church:
Did you try wiggling it?

Tucker:
No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.

Church:
Oh stop being a baby. Just wiggle it. [Tucker bend down to wiggle the switch as five seconds flow by in silence]

Church:
Ssssoooo, you from around here baby? [Tucker shoots back up]

Tucker:
Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk.

Church:
Alright, alright, I'm sorry. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

Tucker:
I wish Tex was here. She wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

Church:
You obviously did not know Tex that well.

Tucker:
There, got it. Feel any different?

Church:
No, what?! Hey that's odd. Can you hear something beeping?

Church:
There, you hear that?

Tucker:
Is it like a screaming, high-pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?

Church:
No, it's just like this constant beep, beep, beep noise.

Tucker:
Oh... then no, I don't hear anything.

Church:
Whoa wait, do you actually HEAR a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?

Tucker:
No, I'm just trying to be helpful.

Church:
Yeah, well, you're failing.

Caboose:
Oh, I hear that voice telling us to kill all of our friends before they have a chance to kill us. (Church and Tucker stare at Caboose)

Caboose:
What? You guys don't hear that?

Donut:
Hey, he's taking the Jeep!

Doc:
HELP, the Jeep is kidnapping me!

Donut:
Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.

[The Blues activate the tagetting system on the jeep]

Jeep:
Aqquire Target..Red.

Grif:
Uh Sarge... you may want to start running... now.

[The rest of the team except Sarge starts running backwards towards the base]

Sarge:
Ahhhhhh.......Fudgebumbs

[Sarge is pinned to the base wall by the jeep as the jeep's machine gun begins firing closer and closer to his head.]

Sarge:
What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.

Simmons:
Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?

Sarge:
No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!

Sarge:
Ow! There goes my last kidney! I was saving that for a special occasion.

[Caboose sees Reds approaching behind Tucker and Church]

Caboose:
Uh… Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are—

Church [interrupting]:
Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut your fuckin' mouth!

Simmons:
Hey Blues, we're here to — what the hell are you guys doing?

[As Doc approaches the Blue base, apparently part of a Red plan]

Caboose:
[looking through the sniper scope] Oh, Church, Church. Okay, I-I see something. [through the scope, we see Grif and Simmons leaving Doc to look around in confusion] Okay, the two red ones are walking away, uh but the purple one is... [Scary voice] I think he's going to attack.

Church:
Purple? Oh wait, the purple guy is that worthless medic.

Tucker:
He's not gonna attack, he's a pussy-fest.

Church:
Pacifist.

Tucker:
Ah, whatever, let's tie him up and roll him through the teleporter.

Church:
Wait a second, wait a second, think about this for a minute. Why would the reds leave him out there by himself? This has to be some kinda trick.

Caboose:
I'll bet they've used some kind of... brainwashing technique on him! They're-they're probably planning to have him do all their dirty plans! And also the schemes!

Tucker:
Caboose, that is ridiculous.

Caboose:
{stares at Tucker through the scope] Is it? Or is it so ridiculous, it's the most ridiculously perfect idea that you never thought of?

Tucker:
No, just the regular kind of ridiculous.

Caboose:
I knew it. We're all gonna die. [Points sniper rifle at Tucker's head] [Scary voice] Starting with you.

[Tucker has punched Church to ensure that he was not dreaming]

Church:
Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else. You get somebody else to pinch you.

Tucker:
Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having, I am not going to ask you to pinch me.

Church [after Tucker throws a grenade through the teleporter]:
Cough, cough, what the he-cough? Who tried to blow me up with a grenade? And why am I coughing? I don't have lungs.

Simmons:
Hey Sarge, hold on a sec. Did you see something weird, Sarge?

Sarge:
Yes I did. Once when I was a small child, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this—

Simmons:
Whoa, whoa. I mean did you see something weird just now? Like 5 seconds ago.

Sarge:
Oh, ... then no.

Simmons:
What was all that stuff about your uncle?

Sarge:
I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!

Simmons:
You wanna talk about it?

Church:
[talking to Lopez] Alright, that's the deal Mr. Robot. You fix our tank, we let you go free.

Caboose:
I thought the plan was to trick him into fixing the tank, and then Church will take over his body again when he is done.

Tucker:
Yeah, but you don't tell the person you are tricking what's going on, Caboose.

Caboose:
So, if I'm the one being tricked, then you will not tell me what is really going ON?

Tucker:
Why would we trick you?

Caboose:
Oh. [Pause] I think you know.

Grif:
[looking through the sniper scope while standing on the upturned Warthog] Aw, crap. Hey, they got a guy fixing their tank.

Sarge:
Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states that-

Donut:
[interrupting] We have intelligence?!

Sarge:
That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Lopez- oh, wait a minute!

Simmons:
Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself and suddenly there's a new guy on the blue team?

Sarge:
Yes, Simmons I am. Why, obviously the blue team has constructed some kinda diabolical mind-control ray beam that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil blue bidding.

Grif:
[jumping down from the jeep] Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.

Donut:
Or maybe that blue guy who got killed by the tank has come back as a ghost and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner, the blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.

[Pause]

Simmons:
I think I like the ray beam idea better.

Grif:
Yeah, rookie. Your idea sounds a little dumb.

Caboose:
Hurry, hurry, hurry, fix the tank! So that I can say hello to Shiela... [Scary voice] and start killing everyone!

Tucker:
You mean all the Reds?

Caboose:
Of course... [Scary voice] for starters!

Sheila:
Thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank.

Caboose:
Sheila! You're fixed! You're fixed!

Sheila:
Hello Private Caboose. It is good to see you again. Thank you for repairing me.

Tucker:
He didn't fix you, a robot did it.

Caboose:
Don't cock-block me!

Lopez:
No! Heauegerkergerk!

Tucker:
Hey Church, you okay in there? Church. Do I need to flip your switch? [Church reappears in the back round as in his ghost form]

Church:
What the?! That wasn't me! What the hell is going on here?! [Lopez turns towards the Blues]

Tex:
Well, buenos días cock bites. Guess who's back?

Church:
[Ghost Version] Get out of my body, Right NOW Tex!

Tex:
[Inside Lopez's Body] This isn't your body. I stole it!

Church:
Yeah, but I stole it first!

Sheila:
I am confused. I thought your name was Lopez. And I thought you were a man. This is all so strange. I feel like my circuits are crossed. And I like it.

Church:
Tucker, there's a very fine line between not listening, and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

Tex:
Well, ever since I've been a ghost, I've been watching you guys A LOT.

Tucker:
Whoa, when you say you've been watching us, does that mean you've been watching us all the time. [Tucker faces a rock what says on the back of it "KEEP OUT! TUCKER'S ROCK!"] Like even when we're alone?

Tex:
Yes Tucker. And you should be VERY ashamed of yourself.

Tucker:
[Tucker faces the ground] It's very lonely out here.

Tucker:
Well Tex, that was a great story. I especially like the part where Church got pants'd in High School.

Church:
I found that part entirely out of context.

Tucker:
But I still don't get how we're suppose to stop the AI.

Tex:
I don't remember much from the implantation process. I do remember that can be transmitted from host to host by the helmet radios. Before I learned anything else, the AI took over and we escaped. If we can kill the AI and not give it a place to jump, we'll beat it.

Church:
And then I can get my body back. Deal?

Tex:
Deal.

Church:
Alright, Tex and I will possess Caboose now. Tucker, we need you to work on the reds. Get them to turn off their helmet radios so Omally won't have anywhere to go, once we get him out of there.

Tex:
Right.

Tucker:
What?! How the hell am I going to do that?!

Church:
I don't know. Come up with a plan.

Tucker:
Come on. You know how I feel about plans.

Tex:
You're not going to have much time when we get in there, so move fast.

Tucker:
Oh, I see. You have no idea of what I should do, or how I should do it, but what ever I do, I should do it fast?

Church:
Yeah, that's right.

Tex:
Yep.

Tucker:
Wow. You guys are a lot of help.

Church:
Hey Tucker, is that you?

Caboose's mental image of Tucker:
No. What, are you stupid? Oh wait, yes, I am me. I guess I'm stupid.

Caboose's mental image of himself:
I see. So you're from the outside. That's where the other is from as well.

Church:
The other? Wait, you mean O'Malley? Have you seen him?

Caboose's mental image of Church:
Of course he's seen him, you idiot! You think Mr. Caboose would miss something like that, you sleazy douchebag fuck?!

Church:
Hold on a second. Who the hell are you?

Caboose's mental image of Church:
My name is Church, butt-wiping ass-munch!

Church:
[To Tex] This guy's kind of an asshole.

Tex:
Yeah, we've met.

Caboose's mental image of Church:
And I'm Caboose's best friend, so don't get any ideas about kissing up, you lip-lipping fuck-suck!

Church:
Okay, there's a lot of stuff in that sentence I didn't like.

Tex:
Just play along, Church. We're gonna need this guys if we're gonna find O'Malley.

Caboose's mental image of Tucker:
I'm gonna go look for girls.

[Donut, retraces his steps]

Donut:
Right. I know it was Tuesday, because that's the day I washed my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinkin', [turns towards the Warthog] "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"

Grif:
[horrified] Oh God.

Grif:
I can not take any more of this.

Donut:
So after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know. It just smelled really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.

Grif:
That's it. I'm committing suicide. [Walks away]

Donut:
Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet. You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh.

[Tucker is riding in Sheila, trying to get her to stop]

Tucker:
Oh my God. I can't believe Caboose is smart enough to drive this thing and I'm not. Sheila, how the fuck do I slow you down?

Sheila:
Retard, the throttle.

Tucker:
What throttle? This throttle?

Sheila:
Retard, the controller.

Tucker:
You mean this thing? What are you talking about? I'm so confused.

Sheila:
The controller, retard.

Tucker:
Hey, that's kind of insulting.

Sheila:
Retard. Retard. Retard.

Tucker:
Oh, come on, now you're just being mean.

Sheila:
Retard. Retard. Retard. Retard. [short pause]Retard.

Tucker:
Okay Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your business.

Sheila:
What?!

Lopez:
Estoy consiguiendo muy sudoroso. (Translated: I'm getting very sweaty!)

Tucker:
Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.

Sarge:
[commenting on Lopez's singing] Whats on the radio now? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquach!

Simmons:
TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!

Donut:
Aw man, this rules! RULES!

[Inside Caboose's mind, Church talks to Caboose's mental image of Church, Leonard]

Church:
You're not Caboose's best friend, okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!

[confronting O'Malley]

Church:
Alright, O'Malley, this is it. From now on, if anybody makes my girlfriend cranky and psychotic; it's gonna be me.

Tex:
Aww, that's sweet.

Church:
Shut up, Bitch.

Tex:
Asshole.

[Doc has just woken up in Blood Gulch; Vic is heard over the intercom]

Vic:
Hello, dude? Come in. Doctor-Dude, are you there? Hello? Paging Doctor-Dude, to the radio, STAT. I need 20 ccs of 'what the hell's going on there', dude.

Doc:
Ugh...what happened?

Vic:
Hey, you tell me dude. One minute we're talking about a hole in the wall; the next thing I know, you turn into Grumps McGurt. Sounded like you needed a lozenge. Threatened to eat my children... not very cool, dude.

Doc:
Jeez, did I really? I'm sorry. Something went wrong with my radio and I heard this weird beeping, honking-

Vic:
Hey, no offense taken, dude. Don't got any kids anyway.

Doc:
What?

Vic:
'Ol Vic's been through the snip-n'-stitch, if you know what I mean.

Doc:
I don't wanna hear about that-

Vic:
Winky-Blinky the One-Eyed Sergeant's firin' blanks-

Doc:
That's weird-

Vic:
-if ya get me. It's vayo con dios to the vas deferens.

Doc:
Yeah, alright. Enough. I get you.

Vic:
I mean a vasectomy, dude.

[Grif learns most of his body parts have been replaced by leftovers]

Grif:
[to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?

Sarge:
Why, from our other subject, of course!

Simmons:
Subject my cyborg ass.

Grif:
NO WAY.

Simmons:
Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb-nuts.

Sarge:
Yeap, those too

Grif:
Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.

[Doc is trying to explain what he's found to Vic]

Doc:
It's like a thing.

Vic:
It's like a thing. Okay, dude! Thank you for the update! I'll be sure to alert the Chiefs of Staff!

Doc:
I'm just a little dazed. It's a big thing. It- it's purple, it's uh, it's a big purple thing.

Vic:
Use your words, dude.

Grif:
This doesn't seem physically possible!

Sarge:
Nonsense. Modern-day technology makes anything possible! It was as easy as Shake-'N-Bake!

Donut:
And I helped!

Sarge:
...actually Donut, I don't really know if snickering in the corner all night like a prepubescent monkey actually qualifies as help...but it sure was entertaining.

Tucker:
Man Caboose, you were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?

Caboose:
Ohhhh nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I am sleeping.

Tucker:
That's pretty much how you function while you're awake too.

Caboose:
I think consistency is important.

Church:
[In ghost form] Well you look okay, then again that's just the armor. How do you feel?

Caboose:
Great! [Short pause] Who are you?

Church:
Oh come on, not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?!

Caboose:
Oh of course! I remember you. [Shorter pause] You're Marvin!

Church:
[Slowly] I'm Church.

Caboose:
I think I would remember a name That ridiculous. Nope. You are definitely Phill.

Church:
You killed me with the tank.

Caboose:
Dave!

Church:
You insulted my girlfriend, you called her a cow.

Caboose:
Terrence!

Tucker:
Dude, he called her a slut.

Caboose:
Phineas?

Church:
You're whole life is based around pleasing me.

Caboose:
Wally.

Church:
In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed w-

Caboose:
Milo?

Church:
-ith being my best friend.

Caboose:
[To Tucker] Psst! The new guy is pretty full of himself.

Church:
New guy? What the? I'm not the new guy! You're the new guy!

Tucker:
I don't know, I kinda like it. I can get used to calling you rookie.

Church:
Oh yeah? Could you get used to me beating you to death?

Caboose:
[To Tucker again] Psst! What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.

Church:
Oh son of a bitch.

Caboose:
Hooven?

Grif:
Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.

Donut:
Yes I can. (jumps) (while jumping a second time) Yes I can.

Simmons:
What the hell is he doing?

Grif:
Losing a bet.

[explosion noise]

Donut:
OW! Who left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it? Simmons! I need your ovaries!

Simmons:
Grif whats wrong? Are my lungs ok? Wait a second, are you smoking inside of your helment again?

Grif:
What? No. (Exhales smoke)Oops.

Simmons:
I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?

Grif:
None.

Simmons:
: ...

Grif:
Okay five. ...or more. Baker's dozen at most.

Simmons:
Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?

Grif:
By my count? Forty eight.

[O'Malley and Doc are conversing in the cave, à la Gollum/Sméagol]

Doc:
You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.

O'Malley:
I agree, except replace the word "non" with "extremely", and after the word "violent", include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire"!

O'Malley:
I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!

Doc:
But I'm a vegetarian!

O'Malley:
I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls! They will all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull... which is disgusting.

Grif:
Look, instead of just running straight in to enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?

Donut:
You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear, a spy tuxedo...

Sarge:
No.

Donut:
With a hidden spy camera...

Simmons:
No.

Donut:
Inside a tiny spy bowtie...

Grif:
No.

Donut:
Or, I could wear a flower on my lapel...

Sarge:
Said no.

Donut:
That sprays water in people's faces, oh man...

Simmons:
Shut up Donut.

Donut:
No- secret spy liquid, hahaha. That would be awesome!

Simmons and Sarge:
No!

Grif:
Maybe! ...Uh, I mean... noooooo.

Donut:
Oh come on, I could be double-O Donut!

Simmons:
You mean like Doonut?

Donut:
The license to thrill! Or be thrilled!

Sarge:
Alright, since you're both so in to the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break in to their base, and report back on the double.

Grif:
Great, more time alone with the idiot.

Donut:
Grif, Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif. Let's pretend, we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!

Grif:
(sighing) Huhhhhhhg...

Donut:
No, no no no, like this- (jetpack whooshing noise) Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwwww...

Grif:
Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?

Donut:
Come on agent- (clears throat, resumes in a deeper voice) Come on, Agent Grif. We've got to hurry if we want to save the Princess from the evil goblin.

Grif:
What Princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?

Donut:
Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful Princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!

Grif:
Donut, can you just go find some higher ground or something?

Donut:
But we're on higher ground now.

Grif:
Why don't you use your jetpack to go to the highest ground?

Donut:
Good idea! I bet the blues won't think of that!

Grif:
No, if they were that stupid, we probably would have won by now.

Donut:
Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! Phschewshhhhhhhhhhh... (heads off)

Grif:
I could just shoot him. No one would ever have to know. No one.

Donut:
Okay, listen closely. Our biggest secrets is Wahigattatawagatagata.

Church possessing Donut:
Caboose, it's me Church. I've possessed this guy so we can... whew, hey, this pink armor is kinda' comfortable. Roomie. Sweet. What were you two guys talking about?

Caboose:
Oh... nothing.

Church:
.... Wanna braid each others hair?

[Reds negotiate with the Blues with Church possessing Donut, posing as a prisoner]:

Sarge:
What's this business? The Blues are giving up? I smell a trap. Or rat. Or rat in a trap. Don't accept, Simmons.

Simmons:
You can't surrender, Blues! We haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack and then you can surrender!

Grif:
Wait. If we accept, that means we will have two surrenders and they will have none. That means we WIN!

Simmons:
Win what?

Grif:
Uh, I don't know. The war... or something, right?

Simmons:
You're an idiot.

Church:
[shouting to Reds from a distance] In exchange for not killing us, they, them, we, they would like to (Tucker turns to him and stares at him) release the robot guy and me. [pause] The pink guy.

Tucker:
Are you becoming retarded?

Simmons:
What should we do, sir?

Sarge:
I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for plans stored in my favourite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.

Simmons:
None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.

Grif:
[crying] I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Church:
I don't think they're going for it.

Tucker:
Oh, MOTHERFUCKER!!

Simmons:
OKAY, NOW YOU'RE UNDER ATTACK! GO AND SURRENDER, BITCH!

Sarge:
Nice thinking, Simmons.

Grif:
[crying] The humanity!

Church:
ALRIGHT, THEY SURRENDER!

Tucker:
Fuck that. I'm pissed. Let's fight!

[Caboose and Donut in Blue base]

Donut:
I think this is what they call the calm before the storm?

Caboose:
I call it nap time. Which is right before food time. And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all!

Caboose:
Private Doughnut... That sounds like Private Biscuit!

Donut:
Yeah, it kinda' does...

Caboose:
Thhhaaattt's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.

Church:
Prepare for Operation Circle of Confusion.

Tucker:
Uh, Church? It kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

Church:
What?

Tucker:
I'm just saying it doesn't look like a circle. It kinda looks more like we're forming a triangle.

Church:
Okay, fine. Triangle of Confusion. Rhombus of Terror. Parabola of Mystery. WHO CARES!? Get the goddamn show on the road!

Doc:
Sorry about the big explosion

O'Malley:
Sorry it wasn't bigger!

Sarge:
Gentlemen allow me to introduce :Francisco Monteque Zanzibar, and this one over here is Robot #2.

Grif(reffering to Robot #2):
Why didn't this one get a fancy name?

Sarge:
Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-fact chip and rejected all the names I came up with.

Robot #2:
*Stick it. You're not my real father.*

Sarge:
But that's OK, I mananged to use that to my advantage. I made some special modifications to numero dos. Check it out. Robot #2. Codewooooord: DIRTBAG!

Robot #2:
Meep. [hits Grif]

Grif:
OW! HEY!

Sarge:
Heheh. Pretty nifty, eh?

Simmons:
That's awesome, sir! Let me try, let me try! Codeword: DIRTBAG!

Robot #2:
Meep. [hits Grif]

Grif:
OW! OK fine, two can play this game. Codeword: DIRTBAG.

Robot #2:
Meep. [hits Grif]

Grif:
Gah! Son of a bitch!

Tucker:
Church, the purple guy, he's...

Church:
I know, it's O'Malley, he must have gotten into the medic.

Tucker:
No...he's an asshole.

Shiela:
Help! He took Lopez!

Donut:
Wow that guy is fast!

Doc:
Thanks! I majored in track in high school; it was the least competitive sport I could find.

Grif:
Track sucks.

O'Malley:
YOU SUCK!

O'Malley:
And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen. In which case, if I see you before you see me, look out!

[O'Malley has escaped with Lopez and the Reds and Blues find themselves forced to work together]

Grif:
So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.

Simmons:
No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.

Donut:
No. Ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.

Sarge:
I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.

Caboose:
I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

Church:
Okay. [slowly] We're all agreed that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we have to work together is odd in an unexpected way that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that?

Church:
Alright, now let's just find... Where is everybody?

Grif:
Whoa, where are we? What is this place?

Max Gain:
Freeze! Drop your weapon!

Church:
Uh oh.

Max Gain:
I said freeze, DIRTBAG!

Church:
Meep! (Church hits Grif with his gun.)

Grif:
Ow! Oh come on!