Scrubs, Season 1

J.D.:
I'm waiting for someone.

Janitor:
Door's broke. This is maybe the fifth time or so it don't open.

J.D.:
Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.

Janitor:
[suspiciously] Why a penny?

J.D.:
I don't know.

Janitor:
Did you stick a penny in there?

J.D.:
No! I'm just making small talk...

Janitor:
If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

Dr. Cox:
Why does this Gomer have to try and die every day during my lunch?

J.D.:
That's a little insensitive.

[Dr. Cox glares at J.D.]

J.D.:
[narration] Mistake.

Dr. Cox:
The man is 92 years old. He has full dementia. He doesn't even know we're here. He's inches away from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.

Carla:
Aww, that is so sweet.

Dr. Cox:
Yeah it is.

J.D.:
What about his subconscious?

Dr. Cox:
[whispers in the patient's ear] Eisenhower... was a sissy! [sarcastically jumps back into a defensive crouch, then resumes glaring at J.D.] I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be OK. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.

Turk:
Oh, come on, Carla, give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.

Carla:
Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there [points at his crotch]. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite. [walks off]

J.D.:
I'd go with the "god-complex"... but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.

Will:
This is a strange resort, man. I mean, the wheelchair service is great, but that suite I rented, there was another person in it. And for some reason the bellhop gave me an enema.

J.D.:
Yeah, he's new here.

Elliot:
Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox:
I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.

Elliot:
I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that-well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.

Dr. Cox:
The value - and this is important - of leaving me alone.

Dr. Cox:
I want you to spread the word, missy. I've... had... enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak-show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel!

Elliot:
So, you're telling me I have to pick my battles. Thanks, Dr. Cox. [Walks off]

Dr. Cox:
[confused] You're welcome.

J.D.:
I'm... I'm... I'm the doctor.

Guy:
What are you, sixteen?

Woman:
Oh, this is unacceptable.

Guy:
What'd you have, like, coupons to this hospital, ma?

Woman:
I should-we should have gone to my doctor.

Mrs. Tanner:
Now that's enough! Now, sure, he's young, but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?

J.D.:
It's kinda too soon to tell.

Mrs. Tanner:
Sweetie, I'm seventy-four years old, I'm ready to go.

J.D.:
Yeah, but with dialysis, you could live another... eighty or ninety years!

Mrs. Tanner:
I think you're being a little irrational.

J.D.:
No I'm not.

Mrs. Tanner:
Everybody dies sometime.

J.D.:
No they don't.

Dr. Cox:
What in the name of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret were you thinking?

Dr. Kelso:
I'm very proud of you, Dr... uh...

J.D.:
[narration] Just look at my badge!

Dr. Kelso:
...Dr. Turk!

J.D.:
Oh, that's my roommate's badge. We must have switched this morning...

Dr. Kelso:
That's a great anecdote. You should write it down in your journal. Then your kids can read about it when you're dead!

J.D.:
Your ex-wife. She's the answer.

Dr. Cox:
Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money? Things with sharp edges!

[Dr. Cox is reminiscing about his ex-wife]

Dr. Cox:
She was never boring.

J.D.:
What happened?

Dr. Cox:
Oh, you know... you marry someone who reminds you of your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother. You talked to her, didn't you?

J.D.:
I don't think you realize how important you are to a lot of people around here.

J.D. [narration] I'll always remember that moment as the first "thank you" I got from Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox:
Well, geez, Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?

J.D. [narration] It felt good.

J.D.:
So he has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.

Carla:
You should bring it in sometime.

Elliot:
You know I kinda had a date last night?

J.D.:
Really?

Elliot:
Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.

J.D.:
...You slut.

J.D.:
[as Robin in a daydream] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?

Turk:
[as Batman] It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.

J.D.:
[as Alfred] Damn you, sir.

J.D. [narration] It's funny how our perceptions can be so off. Like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't realize you've been there the whole time. Or how a bunch of posters can't turn you into a role model if you've already been one for years. Of course, in my case I knew exactly where I stood and it didn't feel that good.

Dr. Cox:
[To intern review board] I would like to make special mention of one intern, here. John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see 24 hours a day. He cares. He cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. [As he gets up and leaves] Now if you have any questions... Well, I could give a crap! I'm going home. Ya'll get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.

Dr. Kelso:
Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?

Dr. Cox:
You know I did get it there, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.

J.D.:
I want you to know, if I ever need surgery again, I want you inside of me.

Turk:
I wanna be the one inside of you.

Janitor:
Your new nickname is Scooter.

J.D.:
Why?

Janitor:
It's short for scooter pie. [J.D. stares at him blankly.] I hate scooter pie.

J.D.:
Oh, now I see. [voiceover] Ya big jerk.

Dr. Cox:
[To annoying patient] Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and badaow, it was gone forever-just like my patience is now.

J.D.:
[voiceover] Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything! [aloud] Banana hammock!

Dr. Cox:
I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.

J.D.:
[holding up mistletoe] Who put this up!?

Janitor:
I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just... looking for that-trying to add a little cheer.

J.D.:
I was just trying to-

Janitor:
Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do. But you will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. [leaves]

J.D.:
But I've only worked here for three months.

Alex:
Does this big metal contraption make me look fat?

J.D.:
More chunky than fat.

J.D.:
[voiceover] I've been thinking a lot lately about taking chances, and how it's really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you're always glad you took it.

Turk:
Okay, it's true, I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.

Todd:
Well, then, how do you get them to sleep with you?

Elliot :
Listen, Carla, I can't even pretend that I can give you tips on intercourse...

Carla:
I got one for you: stop calling it that.

Elliot:
My therapist thinks my trouble in bed stems from a basic fear of intimacy. But I just think it's just because any type of repetitive motion makes me nauseous. Oh, and since I was a little kid, I've always had nightmares about being crushed.

Carla:
That poor shrink.

J.D.:
[about to sleep with his girlfriend for the first time] Remember when the new Star Wars movie came out? It was all built up, and when people finally saw it, it wasn't that great in bed?

Dr. Cox:
Lookit, Newbie: Just because you have a new girlfriend doesn't mean that the world has suddenly turned in to a giant green M&M. The Red Sox still suck, they do; Barbie, here, still can't decide what to do with those annoying bangs....

[Elliot pulls her hair out of her face]

Dr. Cox:
[continuing] ...And addicts everywhere will still lie, cheat, and steal just to get a fix.

[He grabs J.D. by the shoulders]

Dr. Cox:
[affecting a womanly voice] ...Now, you've got to wake up, sweetheart, you're gonna be late for school- Aw, you wet the bed! Why can't I have a normal child without these problems?! [leaves]

Elliot:
My mom says they frame my face.

J.D.:
They don't.

Dr. Cox:
Why did I become a doctor? Well gosh, I guess it's because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. You know, I don't tell this story often, but I remember when I was seven years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of its nest, so I picked him up and I brought him home and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox and... oh my God! [breaks up laughing] I became a doctor for the same four reasons everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks. But, since HMOs have made it virtually impossible to make any real money, which directly affects the number of chicks that come sniffin' around, and don't ask me what tree they're barking up, 'cause they're sure as hell not pissing on mine, and as far as power goes, well: Here I am during my free time letting some thirteen-year-old psychology fellow who couldn't cut it in real medicine ask me questions about my personal life, so here's the inside scoop there, pumpkin, why don't you go ahead and tell me all about power.

Dr. Cox:
Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.

Janitor:
Girl problems?

J.D.:
How'd you know?

Janitor:
Look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems.

J.D.:
[To Dr. Cox just entering the hospital] Dr. Cox, I was wondering...

Dr. Cox:
I'd say you're about a B-Cup. [looking at J.D.'s chest] Yeah.

Janitor:
At least they're real.

J.D.:
[voiceover] Yup, a great place to heal.

J.D.:
[narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.

[Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D.]

Dr. Cox:
Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.

[J.D. walks away slowly]

Dr. Cox:
Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. skips a little], skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!

Turk:
Okay, so you're having a little trouble asking out Kristen. There's no shame in it.

Dr. Cox:
Whoa there, Curly, I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. [to a passing woman] Wanna have a drink sometime?

Woman:
No.

Dr. Cox:
Good. [to Turk] See? I'm fine over here.

Carla:
Hey Bambi, you know Mr. Simon made one of the night nurses cry?

J.D.:
Which one?

Carla:
Frank.

J.D.:
Frank used to be a Navy SEAL!

Turk:
Sir, what happened to Bunny? We gotta know.

Dr. Kelso:
Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi, but things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then, I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept on comin'! Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, wore a white jumpsuit, and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.

Elliot:
Sir...

Dr. Kelso:
Then in 1977 I died on the toilet... or did I?

Turk:
You never played the guitar, did you?

Dr. Kelso:
Son, that crap is for hippies! Now for God's sake get back to work! [in an Elvis Presley-like voice] Thank ya, thank ya very much.

[J.D. and Dr. Cox are in a patient's room talking. J.D. has just been told that he has to give a lecture for a resident.]

J.D.:
That sucks, I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.

Dr. Cox:
Then take him.

J.D.:
What do you mean?

Dr. Cox:
Secure a vehicle of some kind, car, balloon, tricycle. And transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.

J.D.:
I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.

Dr. Cox:
Okaaay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you, and gave you the impression that I actually cared, which is just so wrong, God!

J.D.:
The thing is I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.

Dr. Cox:
Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and cry your sad eyes out.

J.D.:
[To patient, who has been listening to the conversation] I have testicles. He's a kidder.

J.D.:
[Narration] Maybe the mistake we make is thinking our parents will change. And maybe they did a better job than we give them credit for. And maybe there, amid all the crap they dumped on us, are some things worth keeping. Like a passion for something you never knew you had. Or the ability to constantly surround yourself with people who love you.

Nurse:
Oh, it's just coffee.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, no, no. This is liquid crack; this is a mug full of sunshine; my dear, for me, this is like sex.

Nurse:
Oh! Is that why you always finish so quickly?

Dr. Cox:
[as Nurse walks away] Mmmm, and sassy too. If you can cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom!

Carla:
He doesn't know that I cry sometimes because...I'm not sure there's a cat heaven.

Dr. Cox:
The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body. You understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.

Turk:
You should give speeches to teenage girls.

Dr. Cox:
Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?

Ben:
Jordan, you're a big girl. When you got divorced you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.

Jordan:
You're my brother!

Ben:
Well, admittedly that made it hard-ooh, here's a good one. [holds up a snapshot he just took of Jordan] "Me so cranky! Rrr."

[Dr. Cox is examining Ben, who has a nail impaled through his hand and stuck in a board. JD walks in.]

J.D.:
What's that, like your "lucky board" or something?

Ben:
What's that? Oh, no, it's a nail gun accident. [Shows J.D. the bottom, which is covered in blood]

J.D.:
Oh my God, that's disgusting.

Dr. Cox:
I already dosed him with morphine and the X-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d... oh, dear God, she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.

Ben:
Look at that. Oh, it's a nail. You wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! LICK THE TIP OF MY NAIL!

[J.D. faints]

Dr. Cox:
Goodnight!

J.D.:
I think you won't face Ben because you're afraid.

Dr. Cox:
I think you're right. I do. Partly because you've really gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's because well...I told you that I was afraid earlier today, so please don't tell me you've come here to reiterate things to me that I've already said, because I know the things I've already said. In fact... I'm the one who said them.

J.D.:
[Narration] I think one of the most universal human experiences is feeling alone. You'd never know it, but there's most likely tons of people feeling the exact same way. Maybe because you're feeling abandoned. Maybe because you realize that you aren't as self-sufficient as you thought. Maybe because you know you should've handled something differently. Or maybe because you aren't as good as you thought you were. Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity, or you can suck it up. It's your call.

Dr. Cox:
Don't ever be afraid to come to me about this kinda stuff, newbie. The simple fact that you seem to even give a crap is why I took an interest in you to begin with. It's why I trust you as a doctor; hell, it's... it's why I trust you as a person.

J.D.:
...Are you dying?

Dr. Cox:
I've got a new shrink.

Jordan:
Sex is for two things: making babies and revenge.