Seinfeld, Season 8

Jerry:
It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history. No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.

Elaine:
You've never felt remorse.

Jerry:
I know. I feel bad about that.

Kramer:
What's wrong?

Elaine:
Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma and now he wants me to run the catalog.

Kramer:
Where?

Jerry:
Myanmar.

Kramer:
What's that? The discount pharmacy?

Newman:

Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,

And fondled his muscled heart.

He imbibed her glistening spell,

Just before the other shoe fell.

[Jerry, George, and Kramer meet their "doubles" for the first time]

Elaine:
Jerry, George, Kramer. This is Kevin, Gene, and Feldman.

Jerry:
This is really weird..

George:
Have you ever seen Elaine dance?

Jerry:
Elaine danced?!

George:
It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.

Frank:
My son George isn't smart enough to hatch a scheme like this!

Elaine:
You got that right.

Frank:
What the hell does that mean?

Elaine:
It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

Frank:
You sayin' you want a piece of me?

Elaine:
I'd drop you like a sack of dirt.

Frank:
You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!

Jerry:
What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.

Kramer:
That's right. Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.

Jerry:
But you were supposed to get me a refund.

Kramer:
You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.

Jerry:
So were going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?

Kramer:
It's just a write-off for them.

Jerry:
How is it a write-off ?

Kramer:
They just write it off.

Jerry:
Write it off what?

Kramer:
Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.

Jerry:
You don't even know what a write-off is.

Kramer:
Do you?

Jerry:
No. I don't.

Kramer:
But they do and they are the ones writing it off.

(Jerry is being investigated by Newman for mail-fraud)

Newman:
Let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.

Jerry:
Define "rarely".

Newman:
Frequently.

Bania:
Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

Kramer:
You know Frank, you could take a break.

Frank:
No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.

Jerry:
[pointing toward the guy] See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.

Elaine:
Uh huh.

Jerry:
I invented that.

Jerry:
Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!

Newman:
I love broccoli. It's... good for you.

Jerry:
Then maybe you'd like to try a piece?

Newman:
Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!

Jerry:
I knew it! The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers! Kramer did this! He's hooked on the chicken! He set you up, didn't he?

Newman:
[desperately] Yes! Now, please, honey mustard! [takes a shot of the mustard, pounds his hand on the counter twice and exhales]

Mrs. Wilky:
We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.

Jackie Chiles:
Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days! By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothin' more than a shrunken head.

Jerry:
You had more bread?

Elaine:
That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.

Jerry:
Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.

George:
I was handcuffed to the bed, in my underwear, where I remained for […] She certainly seemed interested in me and though she was attractive, she was also in fact, a Nazi […] The water I had been swimming in was very cold and when I dropped the towel there had been significant shrinkage […] Her parents were looking at me. So there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole […] In closing, these stories have not been embellished because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man. Thank you. Oh, also: my fiancée died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. Thanks again.

Jerry:
Little Jerry's a lean mean peckin' machine!

Kramer:
The whole fight lasted two seconds!

Jerry:
How long do they usually la-

Kramer:
About five seconds.

Kramer:
[in slow motion, trying to save Little Jerry] LITTLE JERRYYYYYYYY!

Jerry:
KRAMMMMMERRRRRRRRR!

Elaine:
Stop the fight!!

George:
Tamales!

George:
You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?

Jerry:
Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.

George:
20 years... that long?

Jerry:
Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?

George:
Unfortunately, yes.

Jerry:
How's your family history?

George:
I have an aunt that died at age seven.

Jerry:
Really?

George:
Aunt Baby.

George:
Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."

[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]

George:
Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!

Elaine:
How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?

George:
What does that mean?

Jerry:
Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."

George:
No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.

Kramer:
Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.

Reilly:
The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.

George:
Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you!

Reilly:
What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!

George:
...Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.

[Silence]

McAdam:
His wife is in a coma..

Jerry:
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!

George:
[on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero] Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone, Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.

Newman [While driving his car that is dragging Elaine's sewing machine on the road over the two lane highway after Kramer accidentally spills flammable paint thinner]:
You're once, twice, three times a- [Truck goes on fire] AAAAAH!!!! Oh the humanity!

Lisa:
How could you not love that movie?

Elaine:
How about, it sucked?

Hal:
I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store.

Elaine:
Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back In Business", or "Good Vertibrations".

Hal:
Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".

[Kid is looking through telescope across East River into New York with his father beside him]

Father:
Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.

Son:
Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.

Father:
Nah, that's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.

Elaine:
I've yada yada'd sex.

George:
Really?

Elaine:
Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

Jerry:
But you yada yada'd over the best part.

Elaine:
No, I mentioned the bisque.

[The phone rings.]

Jerry:
Hello?

Telemarketer:
Would you be interested in a subscription to The New York Times?

Jerry:
Yes. [hangs up]

Jerry:
Good meeting?

George:
There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.

Jerry:
You can do that.

George:
Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time. You know, uh, I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying "Wow! Now that guy got canned!"

George:
Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons: your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can sit on it and rotate!

George:
When do you start to worry about ear hair?

Jerry:
When you hear like a soft rustling.

Jerry:
So you're pretending to be a tourist?

George:
It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.

George:
I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!

George:
Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.

Jerry:
They did it for three years. What's another few months?

George:
What were you saying to the Rosses over there anyway?

Jerry:
Oh man, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her.

George:
What is that?

Jerry:
Star Trek 2.

George:
Wrath of Khan!

Jerry:
Yeah, Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap it up in a towel and they shoot him out the bowels of the ship in that big sun glasses case.

George:
[somber] It was a hell of a thing when Spock died.

Jerry:
Yeah.

Jerry:
I can't believe I'm losing Pam!

Newman:
I know how you feel. For I, too, have a woman for whom I pine.

Jerry:
I thought we were talking about me.

Newman:
Right.

Jerry:
Anyway, I don't need your help. [turns to leave]

Newman:
Oh, don't you? Joke boy? You really think you can manipulate that beautiful young woman like the half-soused nightclub rabble that lap up your inane "observations"?

Jerry:
Alright, Newman. What do I have to do to get you to stop pulling the strings for Kramer?

Newman:
Well, there is a little something you can do for me...

Jerry:
C'mon, out with it.

Newman:
It's about...Elaine.

Jerry:
Elaine? What does she have to - [pause] Oh no...

Newman:
You dated her. Give me some inside information. Anything I can use!

Elaine:
[to Jerry, talking about the Bizarro versions of Jerry, George and Kramer] Well, I can't spend the rest of my life coming into this stinking apartment every ten minutes to pore over the excruciating minutiae of every single daily event!

Kramer:
What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?

Mr. Leland:
Kramer, I've... been reviewing your work... Quite frankly, it stinks.

Kramer:
Well, I ah.. been havin' trouble at home and uh.. I mean, ah, you know, I'll work harder, nights, weekends, whatever it takes..

Mr. Leland:
No, no, I don't think that's going to, do it, uh. These reports you handed in. It's almost as if you have no business training at all... I don't know what this is supposed to be!

Kramer:
Well, I'm uh, just--tryin' to get ahead.

Mr. Leland:
Well, I'm sorry, but there's just no way that we could keep you on.

Kramer:
I don't even really work here!

Mr. Leland:
That's what makes this so difficult.

George:
[about Elaine's boyfriend] He's giving you furniture? Who is this guy?

Jerry:
Who are any of her losers?

George:
You're on that list.

Elaine:
You speak Burmese?

Peterman:
No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place?

Elaine:
No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood

Peterman:
Are you an assassin?

Elaine:
I work for your mail order catalog.

Peterman:
You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill?

Elaine:
Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here

Peterman:
I'd be happy to Elaine... but I will have to see this hat.

George:
Hitting is not about muscle. It's simple physics. Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T, in which G, gravity, of course, remains a constant. [hits a home run] It's not complicated.

Derek Jeter:
Now, who are you again?

George:
George Costanza. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary.

[hits another home run]

Bernie Williams:
Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

George:
Do you want to talk about hotels or do you want to win some ball games?

Derek Jeter:
Hey, we won the World Series.

George:
[derisively] In six games. [hits another home run]

Kramer:
Hey Jerry, is it all right if I put some stuff in your fridge? 'Cause mine's full.

Jerry:
Yeah, sure. You don't even have a fridge, do you?

Kramer:
Well, not here. [Goes into the hallway, comes back in with a huge bag]

Jerry:
Kramer, wait a minute, what the hell is that?

Kramer:
Well, it's chicken feed. [stuffs the bag into the fridge]

Jerry:
I sense something is afoot.

Kramer:
Yeah, I bought a chicken.

George:
Allow me. Why?

Kramer:
Cage-free, farm-fresh eggs.

Jerry:
Allow me. What are you, an idiot?

Jerry:
So he just shaves his head for no reason?

George:
That's like using a wheelchair for the fun of it!

Jerry You sold my Cadillac to Jack Klompus?

Morty:
And we want you to have the money.

Jerry:
I don't need the money.

Morty:
What're you talking about? You had a check bounce at the bodega.

Jerry:
Oh, is that what this is all about?! I bounce a check and you sold a Cadillac?!

Helen:
Well, also, Jerry, we read an article in the Sun Sentinel. [digs in her purse and extracts a newspaper clipping] It says standup comedy is not what it used to be, what with Def Jam and all.

Kramer:
Yeah, that Def Jam is a force.

Helen:
Jerry, you know, I hear wonderful things about Bloomingdales' executive training program.

Jerry:
Oh my god.

Kramer:
Y'know you've given this comedy thing your best shot. Yeah, you had some good observations, but it's over. Now, this Bloomingdale thing, that could be the next wave.

Kramer:
Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?

Elaine:
Me?

Kramer:
Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.

Jerry:
Oh, come on.

The lawyer:
Situation number four: You're breathing on your own you're conscious, but with no muscular function.

Kramer:
Well, would I be able to communicate? I don't see how. I don't like the sound of this one.

Elaine:
Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh? Yank it like you're starting a mower.

The lawyer:
Moving on.

The lawyer:
You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system.

Kramer:
Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.

Elaine:
Okay.

The lawyer:
One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.

Kramer:
No, that's not my style.

Jerry:
Who was the last president to have a beard?

George:
Nixon.

Jerry:
No, I mean a real thick beard.

George:
His was thick.

Jerry:
No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.

George:
Falkmore.

Jerry:
Who?

George:
Artemis N. Falkmore.

Jerry:
You made that up, right?

George:
Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?

Jerry:
Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard

George:
The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.

Elaine:
I'm very fortunate to be surrounded by such stupidity.

Elaine:
[after Jerry's girlfriend's toothbrush got knocked into the toilet] You still couldn't kiss her?

Jerry:
She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.

Elaine:
Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.

Jerry:
Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.

Elaine:
Jer, do you see where this is going?

Jerry:
Being really clean and happy?

Elaine:
Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.

Jerry:
Disorder?

Elaine:
And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.

Jerry:
[thoughtful] Hmm, that could hurt me.

[Kramer, after spilling flammable paint thinner all over the road]

Kramer :
Bugger!

[later, after realizing that the paint thinner is highly flammable]

Kramer:
Double bugger!

Elaine:
[quietly, watching The English Patient] No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. [yells] Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!

J. Peterman:
[surprised] Elaine, you don't like the movie?

Elaine:
[shouts] I hate it!

[the audience shushes Elaine]

Elaine:
Oh, go to hell!

Kramer:
Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.

Jerry:
What is that smell?

Kramer:
That's East River.

Jerry:
You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily trafficked, overly contaminated waterway on the eastern seaboard?

Kramer:
Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage.

Jerry:
How could you swim in that water?

Kramer:
I saw a couple of other guys out there.

Jerry:
Swimming?

Kramer:
Floating, they weren't moving much. But they were out there.

Father Curtis:
[in a confessional booth] Tell me your sins, my son.

Jerry:
Well, I should tell you that I'm Jewish.

Father Curtis:
That's no sin.

Jerry:
Oh, good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

Father Curtis:
And this offends you as a Jewish person?

Jerry:
No, it offends me as a comedian!

Kramer:
Listen to yourself! [putting on a disgusted face] What? You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream, Jerry.

Jerry:
Kramer, Whatley's from Jersey.

Kramer:
Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.

Jerry:
Kramer, he's just a dentist.

Kramer:
Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.

Jerry:
I am not an anti-dentite.

Kramer:
You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs: "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.

Jerry:
They do have their own schools!

Kramer:
[in a skeptical surprised tone] - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[at the hospital after George fell down the stairs]

Kramer:
So how's George?

Jerry:
I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that?

Kramer:
[holding his broken Tony award, mournfully] Tony.

Jerry:
What happened to you?

Kramer:
Raquel Welch. [Welch had attacked Kramer after he attempted to fire her from the set of 'Scarsdale Surprise']

[Elaine turns up, also bruised and with scars on her face]

Jerry:
What happened to you?

Elaine:
Raquel Welch.