Sherlock, Series 3

[Anderson has been telling Lestrade a convoluted theory that might explain how Sherlock survived the fall from St Barts' roof]

Lestrade:
Bollocks!

Anderson:
No, no, no, no! It's obvious! That's how he did it! It's obvious!

Lestrade:
Derren Brown? Let it go, Sherlock's dead.

Anderson:
Ah, is he?

Lestrade:
There was a body. It was him, it was definitely him. Molly Hooper laid him out.

Anderson:
No, she's lying. It was Jim Moriarty's body - with a mask on!

Lestrade:
A mask? A bungee rope, a mask, Derren Brown. Two years and the theories keep getting more stupid. How many more have you got for me today?

Anderson:
[Beat] Well, you know the paving slabs in that whole area, even the exact ones that he landed on, you know they were all...

Lestrade:
[Interrupting] Guilt. That's all this is. You pushed us all into thinking that Sherlock was a fraud, you and Donovan, you did this, and it killed him, and he's staying dead. Do you honestly believe if you have enough stupid theories it's going to change what really happened?

Anderson:
I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

Lestrade:
Yeah, but that won't bring him back.

Sherlock Holmes:
I think I'll surprise John. He'll be delighted!

Mycroft Holmes:
You think so? Hm.

Sherlock Holmes:
Pop round to Baker Street. Who knows, jump out of a cake?

Mycroft Holmes:
Baker Street? He isn't there anymore. Why would he be? It's been two years. He's got on with his life.

Sherlock Holmes:
What life? I've been away.

Anthea:
Welcome back, Mr Holmes

Sherlock Holmes:
Thank you...blud.

Sherlock Holmes:
Interesting thing a tuxedo. Lends distinction to friends and anonymity to waiters.

Mary Morstan:
John... John, what is it?

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, short version... Not. Dead.

Sherlock Holmes:
Bit mean to spring it on you like that, I know... could have given you a heart attack... probably still will... in my defense it was very funny... ok it's not a great defense.

Mary Morstan:
Oh no, you're...

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh yes.

Mary Morstan:
Oh my god.

Sherlock Holmes:
Not quite.

Mary Morstan:
You died. You jumped off a roof.

Sherlock Holmes:
No.

Mary Morstan:
You're dead.

Sherlock Holmes:
No. I'm quite sure I checked. Excuse me. [Dips a napkin into some water and wipes off his fake moustache. Looks at John's moustache] Does yours rub off, too?

Mary Morstan:
Oh my god. Oh my god, do you have any idea what you've done...

Sherlock Holmes:
Ok, John, I'm suddenly realizing I probably owe you some sort of an apology.

John Watson:
[Breathing deeply to calm himself; struggling to find the words] Two years. I thought...I thought you were dead. Hm? Now you let me grieve. Hm? How could you do that? How?

Sherlock Holmes:
Wait. Before you do anything you might later regret, one question, let me ask one question. [Beat. He indicates John's moustache] Are you really going to keep that?

[John stares at him for a moment before grabbing him by the jacket and throwing him to the ground in an attempt to throttle him]

John Watson:
[on Sherlock returning from the dead] Can you believe his nerve?

Mary Morstan:
I like him.

[Apparently alone, in a darkened car park, Lestrade goes to light a cigarette]

Sherlock Holmes:
Those things will kill you.

[There is a pause as Lestrade registered who just spoke]

Lestrade:
Ooh, you bastard.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Stepping out from the shadows] It's time to come back. You've been letting things slide, Graham.

Lestrade:
Greg.

Sherlock Holmes:
Greg.

[Lestrade looks at him for a moment, before throwing his arms around Sherlock in a bear hug]

Mary Morstan:
What are you doing?

John Watson:
Having a wash.

Mary Morstan:
You're shaving it off.

John Watson:
Well, you hate it.

Mary Morstan:
Sherlock hates it.

John Watson:
Apparently everyone hates it.

Mary Morstan:
Ooh. Are you going to see him again?

John Watson:
No, I'm going to work.

Mary Morstan:
Oh, and after work are you going to see him again?

John Watson:
No.

Mary Morstan:
God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me and his nibs turns up...

John Watson:
I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes.

Mary Morstan:
You should put that on a t-shirt.

Sherlock Holmes:
London. It's like a great cesspool into which all kinds of criminals, agents and drifters are irresistibly drained. Sometimes it's not a question of who, it's a question of who knows.

Mycroft Holmes:
All very interesting, Sherlock, but the terror alert has been raised to critical.

Sherlock Holmes:
Boring. Your move.

Mycroft Holmes:
We have solid information. An attack IS coming.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Scornfully] Solid information. A secret terrorist organisation is planning an attack. That's what secret terrorist organisations do, isn't it? It's their version of golf.

Mycroft Holmes:
I have given the Prime Minister my personal assurance that you're on the case.

Sherlock Holmes:
I am on the case. We're both on the case right now.

[A buzzer sounds. Mycroft and Sherlock are revealed to be playing Operation - not chess]

Mycroft Holmes:
Oh, bugger!

Sherlock Holmes:
Whoopsy! Can't handle a broken heart. How very telling.

Mycroft Holmes:
Don't be smart.

Sherlock Holmes:
That takes me back. [Mimicking Mycroft] "Don't be smart, Sherlock, I'm the smart one".

Mycroft Holmes:
I am the smart one.

Sherlock Holmes:
I used to think I was an idiot.

Mycroft Holmes:
Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, until we met other children.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, yes. That was a mistake.

Mycroft Holmes:
Ghastly. What were they thinking of?

Sherlock Holmes:
Probably something about trying to make friends.

Mycroft Holmes:
Oh, yes. Friends. Of course, you go in for that sort of thing now.

Sherlock Holmes:
And you don't? Ever?

Mycroft Holmes:
If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I'm living in a world of goldfish.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, but I've been away for two years.

Mycroft Holmes:
So?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, I don't know...I thought you perhaps might have found yourself a...goldfish.

Mary Watson:
David, this is Sherlock.

David:
Yeah, we've, um...we've met.

[Flashback to Sherlock's living room, where he is apparently interviewing David]

David:
So, what exactly are my duties as an usher?

Sherlock Holmes:
Let's talk about Mary first.

David:
Sorry, what?

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, I think you know what. You went out with her for two years.

David:
Er...ages ago, we're just good friends now.

Sherlock Holmes:
Is that a fact? Whenever she tweets, you respond within five minutes regardless of time or current location, suggesting you have her on text alert. In all your Facebook photos of the happy couple, Mary takes centre frame whereas John is always partly or entirely excluded.

David:
[Laughing nervously] You can't assume from that that I've still got...some kind of interest in Mary...

Sherlock Holmes:
You volunteered to be a shoulder to cry on on no less than three separate occasions. Do you have anything to say in your defence? [David looks stunned] I think from now on we'll downgrade you to 'casual acquaintance with no more than three planned social encounters a year, and always in John's presence'. I have your contact details. I will be monitoring.

David:
...They're right about you. You're a bloody psychopath.

Sherlock Holmes:
High-functioning sociopath. With your number. [He grins evilly]

[Greeting the guests, a small boy runs up to Sherlock and gives him a big hug around the waist]

Sherlock Holmes:
Erm...yes, well done in the service, Archie.

Archie's Mum:
He's really come out of his shell. I don't know how you did it.

[Sherlock looks away. Flashback to Sherlock's living room, where he is trying to persuade Archie to be a pageboy]

Sherlock Holmes:
Basically, it's cute smile to the bride's side, cute smile to the groom's side, and then the rings.

Archie:
No.

Sherlock Holmes:
And you have to wear the outfit.

Archie:
No.

Sherlock Holmes:
You really do have to wear the outfit.

Archie:
What for?

Sherlock Holmes:
Grownups like that sort of thing.

Archie:
Why?

Sherlock Holmes:
[Exasperated] I don't know, I'll ask one.

Archie:
[Questioningly] You're a detective?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yep.

Archie:
Have you solved any murders?

Sherlock Holmes:
Sure, loads.

Archie:
Can I see?

Sherlock Holmes:
[Beat] Yeah, alright.

[They look through pictures on Sherlock's laptop]

Archie:
What's all the stuff in his eye?

Sherlock Holmes:
Maggots.

Archie:
Cool!

[Sherlock raises an eyebrow at this. Back to the wedding]

Archie's Mum:
He said you had some pictures for him? As a treat.

Sherlock Holmes:
Er...yes...if he's...good...

Archie:
Beheadings!

Sherlock Holmes:
[Quickly] Lovely little village...

Archie's Mum:
Hm? What did you say?

[Giving his best man speech at Watson's reception]

Sherlock Holmes:
Ladies and Gentlemen. Family and Friends. And... uhhmmm... Others. Uhh... A-A-Also...

[Flashes to Molly talking to Lestrade.]

Molly Hooper:
Greg.

Lestrade:
Molly.

Molly Hooper:
I just had a thought.

Lestrade:
[Pointing to pan in Molly's hands] That's a brain.

Molly Hooper:
What if John asks Sherlock to be his best man.

Lestrade:
Well, he will, won't he? He's bound to.

Molly Hooper:
Exactly.

Lestrade:
So?

Molly Hooper:
So he'll have to make a speech in front of people. There will be actual people there actually listening.

Lestrade:
Well, what's the worst that can happen?

Molly Hooper:
Helen Louise probably wondered the same.

Lestrade:
Helen Louise?

[Looks down at brain in her hands.]

[Flashes to phone ringing.]

Mrs. Hudson:
Oh, hello, dear.

Molly Hooper:
I was just thinking, if John does ask Sherlock...

Mrs. Hudson:
What? The speech, dear? No, it'll be fine.

Molly Hooper:
It's not just the speech though, is it?

[John walks in to hear Mrs. Hudson laughing uncontrollably.]

John Watson:
Mrs. Hudson...? You alright? I was coming to see Sherlock and I thought you were... possibly dying.

Mrs. Hudson:
[Laughing uncontrollably] Oh, sorry.

John Watson:
What's wrong?

Mrs. Hudson:
[laughing uncontrollably] The telegrams.

John Watson:
Sorry, what?

Mrs. Hudson:
[Laughing uncontrollably] I'm sorry.

[Back to Reception]

John Watson:
[To himself, shakes head, understanding] Telegrams...

Sherlock Holmes:
Right. Um. First things first: telegrams. Well, they're not actually telegrams, we just call them telegrams—I don't know why. Wedding tradition.

Sherlock Holmes:
[mumbles] Because we don't have enough of that already apparently...

Sherlock Holmes:
To Mr. and Mrs. Watson. So sorry I'm unable to be with you on your special day. Good luck and best wishes, Mike Stamford.

John Watson:
Ah, Mike.

Sherlock Holmes:
To John and Mary. All good wishes for your special day. With love and many big... big squishy cuddles. From Stella and Ted.

Sherlock Holmes:
Mary, Lots of love—

John Watson:
Yeah...

Sherlock Holmes:
Poppet. Oodles of love and heaps of good wishes. From Cam. Wish your family could have seen this.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Flipping through cards] and... Special day. Very special day. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Bit of a theme; you get the general gist of it. People are basically fond.

Sherlock Holmes:
John Watson.

[Points to John.]

Sherlock Holmes:
My friend, John Watson. John. When John first broached the subject of being best man, I was confused.

[Flashes to John at Baker Street.]

John Watson:
Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes:
What was that noise downstairs?

John Watson:
That was Mrs. Hudson laughing.

[Sherlock is roasting a human eyeball with a torch.]

Sherlock Holmes:
Sounds like she was torturing an owl.

John Watson:
Yeah, well, it was laughter.

Sherlock Holmes:
Could've been both.

John Watson:
Busy?

Sherlock Holmes:
Just occupying myself. Sometimes it's sooooo hard not smoking.

[Sherlock drops eyeball into his cup of tea.]

John Watson:
Mind if I interrupt?

Sherlock Holmes:
Be my guest.

Sherlock Holmes:
Tea?

[Sherlock holds out cup of tea that eyeball fell into.]

John Watson:
So, the big question.

Sherlock Holmes:
Mmhmm...

John Watson:
The best man.

Sherlock Holmes:
The best man...

John Watson:
What do you think?

Sherlock Holmes:
Billy Kincaid.

John Watson:
Sorry, what?

Sherlock Holmes:
Billy Kincaid, the Camden garroter. Best man I ever knew. Vast contributions to charity, never disclosed. Personally managed to save three hospitals from closure and ran the best and safest children's homes in North England. Yes, every now and then there would be some garrotings, but stacking up the lives saved against the garrotings, on balance I'd say...

John Watson:
For MY wedding. For me. I need a best man.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, right.

John Watson:
Maybe not a garroter.

Sherlock Holmes:
Gavin?

John Watson:
Who?

Sherlock Holmes:
Gavin Lestrade. He's a man and... good at it?

John Watson:
It's Greg. And he's not my best friend.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, Mike Stamford, I see. Eh, he's nice. I'm not sure how well he'd cope with...

John Watson:
Mike's great, but HE'S not my best friend.

[Sherlock stands silent, confused.]

John Watson:
Look, Sherlock, this is the biggest and most important day of my life.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Sherlock makes a face] Well....

John Watson:
No, it is. It is. And I want to be up there with the two people that I love and care about most in the world.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

John Watson:
Mary Morstan.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes.

John Watson:
And... you.

[Sherlock blinks rapidly, stands silently.]

[Flash back to the reception.]

Sherlock Holmes:
I confess, at first I didn't realize he was asking me. When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and surprised.

[Flash back to John and Sherlock standing in the kitchen at Baker Street. Sherlock dead silent, John waiting patiently.]

[Flash back to the reception.]

Sherlock Holmes:
I explained to him that I had never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it.

[Flash back to John and Sherlock standing in the kitchen at Baker Street. Sherlock dead silent.]

John Watson:
Sherlock...

[Flash back to the reception.]

Sherlock Holmes:
I nonetheless promised that I'd do my very best to accomplish a task which, for me, was as demanding and difficult as any I'd ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he placed in me and indicated that I was...

[John looks very confused.]

Sherlock Holmes:
...in some ways very close to being moved by it.

[Flash back to John and Sherlock standing in the kitchen at Baker Street. Sherlock dead silent, staring.]

John Watson:
Yeah, it's getting a bit scary now.

[Flash back to the reception.]

Sherlock Holmes:
It later transpired that I'd said none of this out loud.

[Crowd laughs, Sherlock looks surprised by their laughter.]

[Flash back to John and Sherlock standing in the kitchen at Baker Street.]

Sherlock Holmes:
So in fact... you mean...

John Watson:
Yes...

[John nods.]

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm your...

[John nods.]

Sherlock Holmes:
Best...

[John nods.]

John Watson/Sherlock Homes:
[Respectively, spoken together] Man / Friend.

John Watson:
Yeah, of course you are. Course. You're my best friend.

[Sherlock takes a drink of the tea with the eyeball in it.]

John Watson:
How was that?

Sherlock Holmes:
Surprisingly OK.

[Eyeball pops up in tea, floating on top.]

John Watson:
So you'll have to make a speech of course.

[Flash back to the reception.]

Sherlock Holmes:
[Flipping through his note cards] Done that. Done that. Done that bit. Done that bit. Done that bit.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm afraid, John, I can't congratulate you. All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is in my considered opinion nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society and in time, one feels certain, our entire species.

[The crowd is silent and somewhat uncomfortable.]

Sherlock Holmes:
But anyway, let's talk about John.

John Watson:
Please.

Sherlock Holmes:
If I burden myself with a little helpmate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice; it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, brides tend to favor exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day—there is a certain analogy there, I feel—and contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation—or it would be, if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot.

Sherlock Holmes:
The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. [Looking to the priest] I am dismissive of the virtuous, [looking to the maid of honour] unaware of the beautiful, [slowly turning to look toward Mary and John] and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend—and certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing.

[To John] John, I am a ridiculous man [John nods], redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But as I am apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. [Beat] Actually, now I can.

[To Mary] Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable.

[To John] John, you have endured war and injury and tragic loss—so sorry again about that last one—so know this:
today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved; in short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that.

[The guests wipe tears from their eyes.]

John Watson:
[Whispers to Mary] If I try and hug him, stop me.

Mary Watson:
[Whispers back] Certainly not.

Sherlock Holmes:
[Checking note cards] Ah, yes. Now on to some funny stories about John.

[Sherlock notices that the guests are all crying.]

Sherlock Holmes:
What's wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that?—John?

Mrs. Hudson:
[Crying] Oh, Sherlock!

Sherlock Holmes:
[To John] Did I do it wrong?

John Watson:
[Standing up] No, you didn't. Come here.

[They embrace. The guests applaud raucously.]

Sherlock Holmes:
[To John] I haven't finished yet.

John Watson:
Yeah, I know, I know.

Sherlock Holmes:
So on to some funny stories about—

John Watson:
[Quietly interrupting] Can you wait till I sit down?

[Sherlock nods.]

Sherlock Holmes:
So on to some funny stories about John. You could all just cheer up a bit. That would... be better.

[Sherlock is recounting the events preceding John's stag night]

Molly Hooper:
Murder scenes? Locations of... murders?

Sherlock Holmes:
Pub crawl, themed.

Molly Hooper:
Yeah, but why can't you just do underground stations?

Sherlock Holmes:
Lacks the personal touch. We're going to go for a drink in every...

Molly Hooper:
...street where you've found a corpse. Delightful! Where do I come in?

Sherlock Holmes:
Don't want to get ill. That would ruin it, spoil the mood.

Molly Hooper:
But you're a graduate chemist, can't you just work it out?

Sherlock Holmes:
I lack the practical experience.

Molly Hooper:
Meaning that you think I like a drink?

Sherlock Holmes:
Occasionally.

Molly Hooper:
You think I'm a drunk?

Sherlock Holmes:
No, no...[awkward pause] You look... well.

Molly Hooper:
I am.

Sherlock Holmes:
How's... [struggling to remember the name] Tom?

Molly Hooper:
Not a sociopath.

Sherlock Holmes:
Still? Good.

Molly Hooper:
And we're having quite a lot of sex.

Sherlock Holmes:
Okaaay. I want you to calculate John's ideal intake, and mine, to remain in the sweet spot for the whole evening. Light-headedness, good.

Molly Hooper:
Urinating in wardrobes, bad.

[The boys have been out on John's stag do, and are now lying at the bottom of the stairs to 221B Baker Street, very drunk]

Sherlock Holmes:
[Slurring] I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?

John Watson:
No, I...don't have an international reputation.

Sherlock Holmes:
No. And I can't even remember what for. 'S...crime. Something like that.

Mrs Hudson:
Oh! What are you doing back? I thought you were going out late?

Sherlock Holmes:
Ah, Hudders. What time is it?

Mrs Hudson:
You've only been out two hours.

[Playing a drunk game of Yes or No; John is 'Madonna', while Sherlock's nametag reads 'Sherlock Holmes']

John Watson:
Am I...a woman?

Sherlock Holmes:
[Sn*ggering] Yes.

John Watson:
Am I...pretty? This? [Pointing to his nametag]

Sherlock Holmes:
Beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models.

John Watson:
Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?

Sherlock Holmes:
So, I am human, I'm not as tall as people think I am, I'm...I'm nice-ish, clever, important to some people, but I tend to rub them up the wrong way. [He laughs] Got it.

John Watson:
Go on, then.

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm you, aren't I?

[The boys wake up in a prison cell]

Lestrade:
Wakey, wakey!

John Watson:
[Dazed] Oh, my God. Greg? Is that Greg?

Lestrade:
Get up. I'm going to put you two in a taxi. I've managed to square things with the desk sergeant. [Laughs] What a couple of lightweights! You couldn't even make it to closing time!

John Watson:
Can you whisper?

Lestrade:
[Shouting] NOT REALLY! [Sherlock wakes with a start] Come on!

[He turns and leaves. After staggering about, Sherlock manages to follow]

[Interrogating victims of the Mayfly Man in his imaginary courtroom]

Sherlock Holmes:
[to the nurse] What did you say? You said John Hamish Watson. You said that. You said Hamish. How did you know? How did you know his middle name? He never tells anyone, he hates it.

[Flash to Baker Street. Sherlock is trying to guess John's middle name]

Sherlock Holmes:
John...H...Watson?

John Watson:
Yep.

[Over breakfast]

Sherlock Holmes:
Henry?

John Watson:
Shut up.

[Reading]

Sherlock Holmes:
Humphrey?

John Watson:
Shut up.

[Through the bathroom door, while John is in the shower]

Sherlock Holmes:
Higgins?

John Watson:
Go away!

[Back to the courtroom]

Sherlock Holmes:
It took him years to confide in me...

[John comes in to find Sherlock reading something]

John Watson:
...That's my birth certificate.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yep.

[Back to the courtroom]

Sherlock Holmes:
And the Woman, she knew.

[There is a momentary flashback to A Scandal In Belgravia]

Sherlock Holmes:
God knows where she is.

[Suddenly, Irene Adler is stood before Sherlock, naked. She traces a fingernail down his jawline]

Sherlock Holmes:
[Exasperated] Out of my head. I'm busy!

Sherlock Holmes:
Ladies and gentlemen. One last thing before the evening begins properly. Apologies for earlier; crisis arose and was dealt with. More importantly, however, today, we saw two people make vows. I've never made a vow in my life and after tonight, I never will again, so, here in front of you all - my first, and last, vow. Mary and John - whatever it takes, whatever happens, from now on, I swear I will always be there. Always.

John Watson:
[Whispering] We should call the police!

Sherlock Holmes:
[Whispering back] During our own burglary? You're really not a natural at this, are you?

Sherlock Holmes:
I'm undercover.

John Watson:
No, you're not!

Sherlock Holmes:
Well, I'M NOT NOW!!!

Janine:
Sherlock Holmes, you are a back-stabbing, heartless, manipulative bastard.

Sherlock Holmes:
And you, as it turns out, are a grasping, opportunistic, publicity-hungry tabloid whore.

Janine:
So, we're good, then?

Sherlock Holmes:
Yeah, of course.

Janine:
You lied to me. You lied and lied.

Sherlock Holmes:
I exploited the fact of our connection.

Janine:
When? Just once would have been nice.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh. I was waiting til we got married.

John Watson:
(panting with rage against Mary) I've got a better question: is everyone I've ever met a psychopath?

Sherlock Holmes:
(short pause) Yes. Good that we've settled that. Now--

John Watson:
SHUT UP!! And stay shut up, because this is not funny. Not this time.

Sherlock Holmes:
I didn't say it was funny.

John Watson:
(turns to Mary) You. What have I ever done? Hmm? My whole life, to deserve you?

Sherlock Holmes:
Everything.

John Watson:
(steps towards Sherlock threateningly) Sherlock, I told you. Shut up.

Sherlock Holmes:
No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything, everything you've ever done is what you did.

John Watson:
Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.

Sherlock Holmes:
You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. (waves hand) Hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.

Mrs. Hudson:
(surprised) It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing!

Sherlock Holmes:
(offhandedly) And exotic dancing.

Mrs. Hudson:
(insulted) Sherlock Holmes, if you've been YouTubing--

Sherlock Holmes:
(losing patience) John, you're addicted to a certain lifestyle! You're abnormally attracted...to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you've fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?

John Watson:
(voice breaking) But she wasn't supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?

Sherlock Holmes:
Because you chose her.

John Watson:
Why is everything...always...MY FAULT!?!? (kicks a chair aside ferociously)

Mrs. Hudson:
(flees into the kitchen, horrified) Oh, the neighbours.

Sherlock Holmes:
John, listen. Be calm and answer me. What is she?

John Watson:
My lying wife.

Sherlock Holmes:
No. What is she?

John Watson:
The woman who is carrying my child who has lied to me since the day I met her.

Sherlock Holmes:
No. Not in this flat. Not in this room. Right here, right now, what...is...she?

John Watson:
Okay. Your way. (resentful) Always your way. (places a chair in front of Mary) Sit.

Mary Watson:
Why?

John Watson:
Because that's where they sit! The people who come in here with their stories. The clients. That's what you are now, Mary. You're a client. This is where you sit and talk and this is where we sit and listen and we decide if we want you or not!

John Watson:
I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to you. These are prepared words, Mary. I've chosen these words with care.

Mary Watson:
Okay.

John Watson:
The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future...are my privilege. That's all I have to say; that's all I need to know [He throws her USB stick in the fire] No, I did't read it.

Mary Watson:
[crying] You don't even know my name.

John Watson:
Is "Mary Watson" good enough for you?

Mary Watson:
Yes! Oh my God, yes.

John Watson:
Then it's good enough for me, too.

[they embrace]

John Watson:
All this does not mean that I'm not still basically pissed off with you.

Mary Watson:
Mm, I know, I know.

John Watson:
I am very pissed off, and it will come out now and then.

Mary Watson:
I know, I know, I know.

John Watson:
You can mow the sodding lawn from now on.

Mary Watson:
I do mow the lawn.

John Watson:
I do it loads.

Mary Watson:
You really don't.

John Watson:
I choose the baby's name.

Mary Watson:
Not a chance.

John Watson:
Okay.

Mrs Holmes:
Are you two smoking?!

[The Holmes brothers whip round to face their mother, hiding their cigarettes behind their backs]

Mycroft Holmes:
No!

Sherlock Holmes:
[simultaneously] It was Mycroft!

Mycroft Holmes:
I have, by the way, a job offer I should like you to decline.

Sherlock Holmes:
I...decline your kind offer.

Mycroft Holmes:
I shall pass on your regrets.

Sherlock Holmes:
What was it?

Mycroft Holmes:
MI6. They want to place you back into Eastern Europe. An undercover assignment that would prove fatal to you in, I think, about six months.

Sherlock Holmes:
Then why don't you want me to take it?

Mycroft Holmes:
It's tempting, but on balance, you have more utility closer to home.

Sherlock Holmes:
Utility! How do I have utility?

Mycroft Holmes:
Here be dragons. [coughs on his cigarette] This isn't agreeing with me. I'm going in.

Sherlock Holmes:
[amused] You need low tar. You still smoke like a beginner.

Mycroft Holmes:
Also...your loss would break my heart.

[Sherlock chokes on his cigarette]

Sherlock Holmes:
What the hell am I supposed to say to that?!

Mycroft Holmes:
Merry Christmas?

Sherlock Holmes:
You hate Christmas.

Mycroft Holmes:
Yes. Perhaps there was something in the punch.

Sherlock Holmes:
Clearly. Go and have some more.

Sherlock Holmes:
One false move and we will have betrayed the security of the United Kingdom and be imprisoned for high treason. Magnusson is quite possibly the most dangerous man we've ever encountered and the odds are stacked incomprehensibly against us.

John Watson:
But it's Christmas!

Sherlock Holmes:
[With a huge grin] I feel the same! [sees John's expression] Oh, you mean it's actually Christmas.

John Watson:
Sherlock, what do we do?

Magnussen:
Nothing! There's nothing to be done. Oh, I'm not a villain, I have no "evil plan". I'm a businessman, acquiring assets. You happen to be one of them. Sorry, no chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr. Holmes!

Sherlock:
Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Merry Christmas! [shoots Magnussen in the head]

John Watson:
So...here we are.

Sherlock Holmes:
William Sherlock Scott Holmes.

John Watson:
Sorry?

Sherlock Holmes:
That's the whole of it. If you're looking for baby names.

John Watson:
The game is over.

Sherlock Holmes:
The game is never over, John. But there may be some new players now.

Sherlock Holmes:
John, there's something I should say, I've meant to say always and I never have. Since it's unlikely we'll ever meet again, I might as well say it now.

[A dramatic pause]

Sherlock Holmes:
Sherlock is actually a girl's name.

John Watson:
...It's not.

Sherlock Holmes:
It was worth a try.

John Watson:
We're not naming our daughter after you.

Jim Moriarty:
Did you miss me?

Sherlock Holmes:
Mycroft

Mycroft:
Hello little brother. How's the exile going?

Sherlock Holmes:
I've only been gone four minutes.

Mycroft:
Well, I certainly hope you've learnt your lesson. As it turns out, you're needed.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh, for god's sake, make up your mind.

Sherlock Holmes:
Superb! Suicide as street theatre, murder by corpse. Lestrade, you're spoiling us.

Sherlock Holmes:
The bride's face, how was it described?

Lestrade:
White as death, mouth like a crimson wound.

Sherlock Holmes:
Poetry or truth?

Lestrade:
Many would say they're the same thing.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes, idiots. Poetry or truth?

Sherlock Holmes:
We all have a past, Watson. Ghosts. They are the shadows that define our every sunny day.

Sherlock Holmes:
Fear is wisdom in the face of danger. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

John Watson:
I saw the ghost with my own eyes!

Sherlock Holmes:
You saw nothing. You saw what you were supposed to see.

John Watson:
You said yourself: I have no imagination.

Sherlock Holmes:
Then use your brain, such as it is, to eliminate the impossible, which in this case is the ghost, and observe what remains, which in this case is a solution so blindingly obvious even Lestrade could work it out!

Lestrade:
[sarcastic] Thank you...!

Sherlock Holmes:
Once the idea exists, it cannot be killed.

John Watson:
When you're ready to go to work, give me a call. I'm taking Mary home.

Mary Watson:
You're what?

John Watson:
Mary is taking me home.

Mary Watson:
Better.

Mycroft Holmes:
He's right, you know.

Sherlock Holmes:
So what if he's right? He's always right, it's boring.