South Park, Season 11

Randy:
Oh, all right, I'd like to solve the puzzle: ...Niggers!

Principal Victoria:
Stacy, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman.

[Cartman enters the room and starts laughing as uncontrollably as he did before at Dr. Nelson]

Principal Victoria:
Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you react to little people.

Cartman:
Oh, oh- did I hurt his little feelings? Ha ha ha!

Dr. Nelson:
You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.

Cartman:
Oh-oh-oh-oh! If we could get, like, 8 of these, we can dress them all up like little beavers, right? And then put them in a pond, and see if they build a dam!

Dr. Nelson [as Cartman continues laughing at him]:
You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing!

Cartman:
Barely!

Dr. Nelson:
No matter how you act, I can rise above it!

Cartman:
"Rise above it!" Get it?

Dr. Nelson:
[his face is now blushing in anger] SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!

Principal Victoria:
Mr. Nelson!

Dr. Nelson [as Cartman laughs at him again]:
He didn't get to me. I was just joking.

Cartman:
Look, look how his face is all red. He's like a little strawberry.

Dr. Nelson:
Arrgh!

Stan:
I get it now. After that little person talked the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N-word.

Token:
So black people are midgets?

Stan:
Goddamn it!

Token:
Jesse Jackson is not the emperor of black people!

[Token walks away; long pause]

Stan:
He told my dad he was.

Kids:
[after Cartman enters the gym] Hello, fatso.

Cartman:
Ey! What the hell is that? You think that's fucking funny?! Kyle, did you put everyone up to this? I bet you did! What the hell is going on?

Dr. Nelson:
Now you know how it feels.

[Cartman starts laughing again]

Dr. Nelson:
You better shut up or I'm gonna kick your ass!

Cartman:
All right, all right, who is the freaking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you?

Randy:
Words with venom, words that bind, Words used like weapons to cloud my mind./I'm a person, I'm a man, but no matter how I try,/People just say, "Hey! There's that Nigger Guy."/Everywhere I go it's always the same,/Everyone just thinks of me as that one single name./"Hey Nigger Guy!" "Nigger Guy!" "Hi Nigger Guy!" Stop!/Now go, call me Nigger Guy, fill me with your hate,/Try to bring me down, boop bop you're too late./When will it end? Will there ever be a time/Where I can be thought of as more than just Nigger Guy? [Pause] Respect.

Cartman:
You guys, I got it! Seriously, it's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!

Stan:
Whatcha do to Butters this time?

Cartman:
It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up]

Stan:
Dude!

Cartman:
I know, I know. Check it out. Look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Ha ha. Oh man, I got him good!

Stan:
Dude, how is putting Butters's wiener in his mouth getting him?

Cartman:
Because that makes Butters gay now!

Kyle:
No, dude, that makes you gay!

Cartman:
Uh, what?

Kyle:
You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!

Cartman:
[looks more closely at the picture] Uh-uh.

Kyle:
Yeah-huh!

Cartman:
Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?

Kenny:
Ha ha, that makes you very f***ing gay.

Cartman:
But I'm not--I'm not gay, you guys!

Stan:
You are now.

Cartman:
No--no, it was a stupid mistake!

Kyle:
Doesn't matter. You're gay now.

Cartman:
No, it was just for a second! [puts the picture away] What-what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?

Stan:
You can't!

Kyle:
No--no wait. I-I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.

Cartman:
How?

Kyle:
The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.

Cartman:
[in low voice] Really?

Kyle:
Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.

[long silence]

Cartman:
Shoot, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]

Kyle:
Idiot.

[Butters is playing with his toys]

Butters:
[singing] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo...

[Cartman enters the room]

Cartman:
Butters.

Butters:
Whoa, hey, Eric.

Cartman:
Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.

Butters:
A surprise? What is it?

Cartman:
It's so buckskin awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!

Butters:
Oh, boy!

Cartman:
You ready?

Butters:
Y-yeah!

Cartman:
Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and--and get on your knees!

[Butters closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees]

Butters:
Oh, okay!

[Cartman grabs a bandanna from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]

Cartman:
Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]

Butters:
How come, uh, I can't see?

Cartman:
'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toy box]

Butters:
Oh, uh, ho, yeah.

Cartman:
[under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters. [lowers them] That's good, just like that.

Butters:
[warily] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? You're not gonna, eh, stick something yucky in my mouth, are ya?

[Pause]

Cartman:
I swear on my mother's life, Butters, I am not going to stick anything yucky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]

Butters:
Okay!

Cartman:
All right, you ready? [grabs Butters's head and draws it closer to his penis] All right just--okay, open, uh, okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go.

[the door opens and Butters's dad enters]

Steven Stotch:
Butters!

Cartman:
Uh! [dresses quickly]

Butters:
Whoa! Hey, Dad!

[Cartman steps down from the toy box and runs away]

Steven Stotch:
Butters! What are you doing?!

Butters:
I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]

Steven Stotch:
Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes the blindfold off of Butters]

Butters:
[looks around] Hey. Where did Eric go?

Steven Stotch:
[quite concerned, on ended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?

Butters:
Like what?

Steven Stotch:
Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No, wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.

Butters:
What's...bi-curious?

Steven Stotch:
You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters.

[Butters' mom appears at the doorway]

Linda Stotch:
What's going on, you two?

Butters:
Nothing, Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]

[Cartman is trying to retrieve the picture of Butters's penis in Cartman's mouth, but it's nowhere to be found. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball at the community park]

Stan:
Aw, man, I've got H.O.R.S. now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball]

Kyle:
Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]

Cartman:
Where is it, you filthy Jew?!

Kyle:
[throws up the ball] Where's what?

Cartman:
[grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know goddamn well what!

Kyle:
Let go of me!

Stan:
What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

Cartman:
I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!

Kyle:
Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture!

Cartman:
[rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!

Kyle:
I don't have it!

Cartman:
[stretches his arms left and right, then up and down] I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your f***ing Jew legs right here.

Kyle:
Shut up.

Cartman:
You shut up! You're lying, [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] and you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! [points to Stan] Stan, you're a Jew, [points to Kenny] and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews!

[Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly]

Cartman:
Ow! [puts his left hand over his right arm] Ow! Aaargh! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park, screaming]

[Butters and Bradley, his roommate at church camp, are writing verses after Bradley got them in trouble]

Bradley:
Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.

Butters:
Aw, that's okay, Bradley.

Bradley:
I really want to get better. I do everything the counselors say, but somehow I still feel confused.

Butters:
Yeah, well, hopefully when we finish these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more and then we can go home!

Bradley:
You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [smiles, then pauses, horrified] Uh oh! OH, GOD! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! [jumps out of chair, panicked]

Butters:
What's the matter?

Bradley:
I-I think I...I think I like you.

Butters:
Well, I like you too, Bradley!

Bradley:
YOU DO?! You like-like me?!

Butters:
Sure, Bradley! I like-like you a lot-lot! Hahaha!

Bradley:
Oh god! We're both unfix-able!

Mrs. Garrison:
All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.

Cartman:
Ah, yes. [points to Kyle] You mean the Jew problem. Good, good. I'm glad we're going to finally do something about it.

Cartman:
We all know the only person who can spread the lice here is Kenny and the Jew.

Kenny:
What?! F*** you!

[Clyde is in the waiting room awaiting treatment for his lice]

Girl:
I have an ear infection. What are you here for?

Clyde:
I have...I have AIDS.

[Kenny's parka is pulled off and thrown away, leaving only his underpants]

Cartman:
All right, Kenny, you know what has to happen. Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the students attack Kenny]

Kenny:
[unmuffled] No, no, not the socks! No!

Hillary Clinton:
What is going on, Brian?

Brian:
Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have suck a snuke up your sniz.

Hillary Clinton:
[fanning face] Oh my.

Brian:
What can we do? Can we disable the timer?

Alan Thompson:
It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has the detonator with him.

Brian:
But then that means--

Alan Thompson:
Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. Forever.

Cartman:
Do you know what this is? This is apple juice! It gives me super bad farts!

Homeland Security Head:
Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area.

Kyle:
Hey!

Homeland Security Head:
Donner, take over that station.

Kyle:
What's going on?

Homeland Security Head:
This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security.

Kyle:
Homeland Security?

Homeland Security Head:
Look, your little game of going over people's heads is over. You can still work, but from now on, you answer to me. You got that?

FBI Head:
Excuse me, who's in charge here?

Homeland Security Head:
I am.

FBI Head:
Yeah, well, not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.

Homeland Security Head:
That's outrageous! On whose orders?

FBI Head:
On order of the Secretary of Defense. You had your shot, now I'm in charge.

ATF Head:
Not anymore you're not. Orders just came down from Central. They want ATF handling this on all fronts. All right, people, from now on, you're answering to me.

President's Staff Head:
Not anymore they're not. Orders from the President. He wants this handled by his staff personally. Now Nelson is in charge.

Nelson:
Not anymore I'm not! [awkward silence]

Staff Assistant:
Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.

Staff Head:
Where's the intel from?

Staff Assistant:
We just read it on Drudge Report.

Staff Head:
We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!

Kyle:
[pauses] Not anymore you're not.

Staff Head:
Oh, snap. [walks off, depressed]

Alan Thompson:
The game is over! Get down on the ground!

Vladimir Stolfsky:
How did they find us?

Alan Thompson:
We know about everything. Your diversion to help the redcoats is over.

Vladimir Stolfsky:
It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late. In 3 minutes--

[power outage]

Vladimir Stolfsky:
What the hell?

SWAT Team Member:
The power went out.

Alan Thompson:
So then what time is it?

[power returns and clock is stuck on 12:
00:00]

Vladimir Stolfsky:
Oh, crap!

[Cartman on Easter Bunny's lap in the mall]

Cartman:
...and I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and 5 crash-and-go RC cars, you got that? DO YOU HAVE THAT?!

Easter Bunny:
Uh...don't you think that's....

Cartman:
No! No! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit. I am a human. If you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can buckskin kill you!

[camerawoman takes a picture of Cartman and Easter Bunny. Cartman leaves]

Cartman:
[happily] Bye, Easter Bunny!

Easter Bunny:
Oh my God!

[Ninjas enter Professor Teabag's mansion and sneak up behind the butler, who is polishing silver. The butler senses and turns to see them]

Butler:
MR. TEABAG, GET OUT!

[ninjas kill him]

Stan:
They found me!

Prof. Teabag:
Boys, get out of here. [opens a window and lets Stan and Kyle down a ladder] Head to the woods, I'll try to buy you some time. [goes over to table and gets a box of marshmallow peeps]

Ninja:
[distantly] Check upstairs! [Teabag puts peeps into oven] Kitchen's clear, try the office! [Teabag sets oven for 15 seconds. Ninja bursts through the door] In here... [follows and notices peeps in oven] What's that? [peeps swell in oven as microwave ticks down. Teabag closes his eyes] PEEEEPS!

[oven explodes; explosion kills Teabag and ninjas and destroys mansion]

[In a Vatican Holding Cell]

Jesus:
We have no choice, Kyle, You're going to have to kill me.

Kyle:
What?!

Jesus:
Stab me with this. [shows Kyle the nail file] If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.

Kyle:
No way! Do it yourself.

Jesus:
Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle.

Kyle:
Dude, you don't understand. I'm a Jew. I have a few hang-ups about killing Jesus.

Jesus:
Just make it quick, through the neck. I'll rise again immediately.

Kyle:
Don't make me do this.

Jesus:
My son, there is no time. Do it.

Kyle:
Eric Cartman can never know about this.

Jesus:
I understand. And Kyle...Happy Easter.

Kyle:
Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in neck]

[Jesus makes dying noises and runs around cell bleeding to death]

Kyle:
Jesus?

[Mrs. Garrison defends a lesbian bar, called "Les Bos", from a Persian takeover]

Mrs. Garrison:
Would you allow straight people in? Men?!

Persian Messenger:
Well, we would allow whoever--

Mrs. Garrison:
Choose your next words carefully, Persian!

Persian Messenger:
Look, pal, we don't have to offer you anything, so...I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy!

Mrs. Garrison:
No. This isn't crazy. This...is..."Les Bos"!

[Mrs. Garrison kicks the Persian Messenger in the balls, in slow motion. The Persian Messenger screams in slow-motion agony]

Fellow Messenger:
How dare you!

[Mrs. Garrison twists her body in slow motion a la Oracle Girl from 300]

Mrs. Garrison:
Scissor me timbers!

Mrs. Garrison:
I saw the way you were looking at me. Scissoring me with your eyes.

Mrs. Garrison:
I mean, really I don't even understand how two women can make love, unless they just kind of scissors or something.

Mrs. Garrison:
Children, I have to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay.

Stan:
Again?

Mrs. Garrison:
I know you're actually a woman.

Xerxes:
How...? How did you find that out?

Mrs. Garrison:
I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.

Xerxes:
You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.

Cartman:
[jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! Yes!

Kenny:
Yes!

Stan:
That was a sweet idea, Kyle.

Kyle:
Goddammit, that wasn't my idea!

Randy:
Waghh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crowd of bums] Nooo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]

Chris Swollenballs:
In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.

Bum 9:
[appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?

Chris Swollenballs:
What the...? You can't be in here.

Bum 9:
Ya got any change, sir?

Chris Swollenballs:
No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?

Bum 10:
Chaaaaange?

Chris Swollenballs:
No, please. I don't have any change. Honest, I don't. I don't have any-- [PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up, station goes off the air]

Gerald:
Don't have any change. Don't have any change. Dammit! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?

Bum 12:
Change, sir?

Gerald:
Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little--anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]

Steven:
What happened?

Randy:
[closes his eyes] He's become one of them.

Steve:
Oh, God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.

Homeless Advisor:
They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving.

Bum 14:
Is that...is that some spare change?

Homeless Advisor:
Somehow they're able to take our change and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.

Bum 14:
Spare some of that change, sir?

Homeless Advisor:
But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys; the bum rattles his cup a bit]

Bum 14:
Spare some change?

Homeless Advisor:
It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.

Bum 15:
Chaaaaange?

Kyle:
What's it doing?

Homeless Advisor:
It's dying.

Cartman:
Cool.

[Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman fall in the sewer]

Cartman:
Aw, God, it really smells like Kenny's house down here.

Kenny:
Stop backing talking about my house!

Cartman:
Whoa, Kenny, relax, dude. We need to work together.

Homeless Woman:
Spare any change, sir?

Cartman:
No! Back off! [slams the door]

Kyle:
Hi. [bum turns around to look at him] I've uh, I've been saving up for a new Xbox game, but but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. [bum stares] Listen, I...I want you to take this. It's $20. [gives the money to the bum, backs up and smiles]

Bum:
...Got any more?

Kyle:
[smile disappears] No, that's--I thought that was a lot.

Bum:
[turns away and takes a few steps away from Kyle] Spare any change?

Kyle:
You're welcome. [turns and walks away while looking at the ground in shock]

[Randy is walking down the sidewalk]

Bum 1:
Spare some change?

Randy:
No, sorry, I don't have any change.

Bum 2:
Got any change?

Randy:
No, sorry. [bum follows him]

Bum 3:
Can you spare some change?

[Randy looks over his shoulder at the bum, speechless, continues walking and bumps into a bum in front of him]

Bum 4:
Chaaaange?

Randy:
Agh! I don't have any change! [bums begin to surround him]

Bum 5:
Change?

Randy:
No!

Bum 6:
Chaaange?

[Randy runs off]

Bum 7:
Spare some change?

Randy:
Leave me alone, I don't have any change!

Bum 7:
All right, God bless you, sir.

Randy:
Aw, now I feel bad! Here! [runs back and puts some change in the cup] Ahhh! [runs off due to the bums following him]

Bums:
[following Randy] Chaaaange, chaaaaange!

Bum 7:
Spare some change?

Randy:
I just gave you change!

Stan:
We're not having Cartman jump over more homeless people.

Kyle:
[angrily] That wasn't my idea!

Stan:
[to Kyle after Cartman has jumped over three homeless people] Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle.

Christine:
[horribly burned and missing her lips, holding a shotgun] DENNIS!

Dennis:
Christine!

Christine:
You son of a bitch! You tried to burn me!

Dennis:
I had to, Christine, you were homeless!

Christine:
No, I wasn't homeless, you stupid asshole!

Dennis:
I have no idea what you're saying!

Christine:
Yeah, because you burned my lips off!

Dennis:
I nurned your rip sauce?

Christine:
No, you burned my lips off!

Dennis:
I have no idea what you're saying!

[Christine shoots Dennis in the chest, prompting a shootout that kills all the Evergreen survivors]

Mrs. Garrison:
[writing on blackboard] Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number--

Cartman:
Dick tits!

Mrs. Garrison:
[pauses] ...when we multiply a negative number by another negative--

Cartman:
Shoot! Asshole! [Stan and Kyle glance back at him. Mrs. Garrison sighs; Cartman smiles] Excuse me.

Mrs. Garrison:
And if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can--

Cartman:
Splodge! Balls! Bloody vaginal belch!

[whole class giggles]

Cartman:
[in a sing-song voice] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.

Mrs. Garrison:
All right, kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers--

Cartman:
Tampons! Tampon dick shit!

Kyle:
Will you knock it off already?!

Cartman:
Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. Kike.

Kyle:
Don't push me, asshole!

Mrs. Garrison:
Kyle! Watch your language! [Cartman begins laughing maniacally]

Craig:
If I could yell "tampon dick shoot" in the classroom, I'd be so happy.

[Kyle visits the Children's Therapy Center to see children who really have Tourette's]

Mr. Donaldson:
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. Piss! Piss!

Sheila Broflovski:
Our son is a good kid; he just didn't understand that Tourette's is a real disease.

Mr. Donaldson:
Well, I think the only thing left is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks up and bats his eyes in anticipation]

Gerald Broflovski:
Well, Kyle?

Kyle:
[through his teeth, with his fists clenched] I'm sorry.

Cartman:
What was that? I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.

Kyle:
I'm sorry!

Cartman:
You're "starry?" I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because I--

Kyle:
I said I'm sorry, you piece of-- [cuts himself off]

Cartman:
Oh-oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle, I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbstruck douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here, apologizing, with your dad and lovely mother. Fat Jew! Jew bitch! [covers mouth]

Sheila:
Oh, thank you, Eric.

Cartman:
Thank you. Big-nosed kike!

Mr. Donaldson:
Well, I think we can all put all this behind us now. Piss out my ass!

Cartman:
Yeah! Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [coughs] Oh goodness, excuse me. Oh geez, that was a bad one.

Cartman:
[to Thomas] Isn't having Tourettes awesome?

[Thomas raises an eyebrow suspiciously]

Cartman:
This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say horrible things on the air. Despicable things! And people will call me brave.

Cartman:
Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass-barf!

Cartman:
Thank you, everybody. Suck my balls!

Cartman:
So I'm sorry, but I'm not doing the show and that's it. Goodbye! [gets up out of his seat and starts walking away]

Chris Hansen:
Why don't you take a seat?

Cartman:
No, I don't want to take a seat.

Chris Hansen:
Have a seat.

Cartman:
No, I'm just going to--

Chris Hansen:
Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman walks over]

Cartman:
How does he do that?

Chris Hansen:
You know, one time, I was doing a show called To Catch a Predator, and we almost caught this pedophile, but then he ran from us because he didn't want to be on Dateline. So we tracked him down at his house, and you know what he did? He shot himself. It'd be a shame if you didn't want to be on Dateline. It'd be a shame if we had to track you down and you shot yourself.

Cartman:
I just peed my pants! [covers his mouth, shocked]

Cartman:
This Saturday I will actually say anything I want on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.

Cartman:
Titty sprinkles!

Pedophile 1:
Oh no! Chris Hansen?! [shoots himself in the head]

Pedophile 2:
"Dateline?!" [shoots himself in the head]

Pedophile 3:
There aren't really brownies?! [shoots himself in the head]

[Randy is sitting on the toilet, straining and groaning for a long time. Meanwhile, a banner appears on the screen:
"Emmy Award-Winning Series"]

Randy:
Oh, God. Oh, here it comes. [goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times] Whoa, hot! Hot, hot! Whoa, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard; he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoa! Whoa, hot! Hot, hot, hot-hot-hot-hot, hot, hot!! [back in the bathroom, the stool finally comes out with a dull splash as it hits the water] Dohhhhhh! Ooh! Ooh. [sobs in relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper] Oh, God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow. That is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-Hey, Sharon. Sharon, you gotta come see this.

Randy:
[from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!

Stan:
Gee, thanks, Dad.

Randy:
You're welcome.

Stan:
Do you really need the biggest-crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just letting my dad have this one?

Bono:
Let him have it?! Why would I do that?!

Stan:
Look, you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.

Bono:
I have the first-place trophy for that.

Stan:
[surprised] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of fuck off?

Butler:
Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.

Stan:
So?

Butler:
So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder.

Stan:
He's the record.

Herr Broloff:
I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but if you cannot crap out the crap, it is not really a crap.

Randy:
I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry I can't crap like Bono.

Herr Broloff:
My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.

Stan:
That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.

[Cartman is looking for a leprechaun. If he sees it, Kyle will suck his balls; if not, he will owe Kyle $10. This is the plot of the whole trilogy]

Kyle:
This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got everyone believing your stupid story.

Cartman:
[setting up a trip wire between two stones] It isn't a story; it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. [drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie] Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy?

Clyde:
This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net and we're standing by.

[Jimmy, Jason, and Craig are hoisting the net into place]

Cartman:
Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out.

Kyle:
Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so that everyone can go home.

Cartman:
Oh, no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls, remember? [whips out his walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Blackie. What's your six, Blackie?

Token:
[rather pissed off] I don't want the code name "Blackie."

Cartman:
Code names are what they are, Blackie. Check your six and alert when in position. [puts away the walkie talkie and gets back to setting the trip wire]

Kyle:
This is fucking retarded.

Cartman:
Hahaha, getting nervous, Kyle? When that leprechaun shows up, you must suck my balls. Don't forget I have a signed contract from you. [finishes setting the trip wire]

Kyle:
Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there was a leprechaun, you have to give me $10. Now just pay up and stop being stupid!

Cartman:
[whispering loudly] Goddammit, why hasn't it shown up yet? [whips out the walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot!

Butters:
[on a lookout platform with a telescope next to him; in subdued manner] This is Faggot. Go ahead.

Cartman:
Faggot, I need you to keep surveillance north to northeast. Check back in five.

Butters:
Okay, will do. Faggot out. [turns right and looks through the telescope, then exclaims]

Kyle:
Okay, that's enough. Everybody! Cartman is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's trying to get out of a deal he made!

Cartman:
It was here, I swear it! I don't know why it's not showing up this time!

Kyle:
You didn't see a leprechaun, fat ass! If you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't, you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up!

Butters:
Uh, I got something! I got it! [the other boys turn and pay attention] It's, uh, oh, jeez, I think it's a leprechaun!

Cartman:
[to Token] Set off diversion track C! [Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves. Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the boys]

Stan:
Dude.

Jimmy:
F-Fuck me, it's a leprechaun.

Cartman:
[charging forth] Get it! [the leprechaun runs away, and the boys give chase] Get that Fucking leprechaun! I want it alive!

[the leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out, but sees the boys crowd in]

Butters:
Wow.

Stan:
Cool.

Craig:
No way.

Token:
Whoa.

Jason:
Wow.

Cartman:
[making his way through, out of breath] Agh. Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butt hole, where's the gold?!

Leprechaun:
You lads don't know what you're doing. I need to deliver an important message! There's going to be an attack!

Cartman:
[gets out a Bowie knife] Tell me where the gold is or you die! [unsheathes it] Slow!

[the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him out and disappears]

Stan:
Where did he go?

[the leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys; they turn to look at him again]

Leprechaun:
I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near! :[makes a rainbow with his right hand and disappears. The group then turn back at Kyle]

Craig:
Dude. [Cartman walks up to Kyle and clears his throat]

Cartman:
Kyle... suck my balls. [brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle stands motionless]

Stan:
[answers phone] Hello?

Kyle:
Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night.

Stan:
No, no, I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters lived.

Kyle:
[beat] ..And then it got attacked by terrorists?

Stan:
Yeah, how'd you know?!

Kyle:
Dude, I had the same dream! We jumped on the dragon's back and Butters got left behind!

Sharon:
[enters with teary Linda and Stephen] Stan, Stanley. You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you?

Stan:
Why?

Linda:
Our darling Butters never came home last night!

Kyle:
What did they say?!

Stephen:
We don't want to jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There, there, darling.

Kyle:
..Dude...

Trucker:
Glad I picked you up, kid. It's dangerous for someone your age to be hitchhiking.

[...]

Cartman:
Yeah, well... When a man has been wronged... he no longer cares about danger.

Trucker:
You going to Washington to visit family?

Cartman:
I've got unfinished business. You go through life being told there's justice... [looks photo of Kyle] then you learn that the only real justice is the justice you take. Make no mistake, Kyle. Before this is over, you will suck my balls.

[the portal begins to act violently. Lightning shoots out and it changes color frequently. Everyone backs away]

General:
Talk to me! What's going on?!

[The guard comes in with Kyle and Cartman]

Lead Tech:
Something is coming through the gate from the other side.

[a few moments later, ManBearPig walks through]

Operator:
What is it?!

Tech 3:
It's like a half-man, half-bear!

Lead Tech:
And half-pig!

[ManBearPig grabs the tech and slams him against the portal's supporting wall]

Tech 4:
Oh! No-no, wait! It's like a half-bear, half-man-pig!

[ManBearPig rips the tech's head off and tosses it towards the general. Everyone scatters]

General:
Look out!

[ManBearPig jumps over and grabs the tech at both ends]

Tech 3:
No! I think it's more like a half-man, and half-pig-bear!

[ManBearPig rips him in two at the waist]

General:
Reverse the doorway! Send it back through!

[Kyle screams and runs away, but ManBearPig scoops him up]

Stan:
Kyle!

[a dying tech pushes the red button at his station as he drops to the floor. Lightning flashes into the room as a tractor beam pulls Stan into the portal. ManBearPig resists the pull, but crushes Kyle in its hand for several seconds. Kyle lets out a dying scream as ManBearPig lets go of him as the tractor beam finally pulls it in. Kyle falls on the floor, blue in the face]

[Kyle is attempted to be revived through a defibrillator]

Paramedic:
Clear! [sends power through the paddles. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet. The paramedic removes the paddles] I'm sorry. He's gone.

Cartman:
No! Kyle can't die. [gets on his knees and checks various parts of his body for a pulse]

Paramedic:
I'm sorry, young man.

Cartman:
Kyle?

Paramedic:
Well, at least now he doesn't have to suck anyone's balls.

Cartman:
[enraged] Nooo! [begins giving Kyle CPR] No, he has a strong heart! He wants to live! Come on, Kyle! Come on, buddy!

General:
He's gone, little boy.

Cartman:
[to the paramedic] Zap him again! [opens Kyle's coat and shirt] Do it!

Paramedic:
Charging.

Cartman:
Do it!

[the paramedic places the paddles back on Kyle's body]

Cartman:
Come on, buddy.

Paramedic:
Clear.

Cartman:
Come on, buddy.

[the paramedic fires away. Kyle rises, then falls softly. No sign of life yet.]

Cartman:
Get out of here! [goes back to giving Kyle CPR. A woman covers her eyes in despair] Goddammit, Kyle, you never walked away from anything in your life! Now fight! [smacks Kyle around] Fight! Fight! Right now! [begins to break down] Fight! Fiiight! Fight! [slams down hard on his chest]

[Kyle coughs, then comes to. Cartman begins to weep happily]

Cartman:
Give him some air. [an oxygen mask appears and Cartman places it over Kyle's nose and mouth] There, easy. Breathe easy. [weeps softly some more]

Butters:
I'm supposed to be in school right now, but instead I have Snarf, Popeye, and Luke Skywalker all passed off.

Aslan:
Imaginationland used to be a happy place, but then the terrorists attacked, and so many of us were killed. The barrier came down and all the most evil imaginary characters were unleashed. Now our final battle must take place. The evil characters are marching toward us...with the intent to wipe us all out.

Beavery Beaver:
This is gonna be fun, huh?

Woodland Critters:
[cheering] Yeah!

Aslan:
We prepare for a battle we cannot won. Sweet and cuddly imaginary characters, many who have never held a weapon, must now fight for their very lives. We are too few in number, but we have one hope. That is where you come in, young boy. Only you can help us win the battle.

Butters:
W-What can I do?

Aslan:
You have a power here that you have yet to understand.

General:
If I'm not mistaken, you're the one who bet leprechauns aren't real. So why do you care if something happens?

Kyle:
Because I-- Because I think they are real. It's all real. Think about it. Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real? They might be imaginary, but they're more important than most of us here. And they're all gonna be around till long after we're dead. So in a way, those things are more realer than any of us. [Cartman starts applauding, followed by everyone else]

General:
[touched] Abort the sequence. [scientist does so]

Cartman:
So, Kyle, imaginary things ARE real, huh? Guess that means I did win the bet after all... [Kyle looks angry] And you know what that means, Kyle...

Kyle:
[snaps] Just let it go with your Fucking balls already, you Fucking asshole! Your friends have been in danger, and all you care about is your stupid bet?! Well, I have decided, Cartman, that even if we did have a bet, that I am NEVER going to suck your balls! [grabs Cartman by the scruff of his neck] You got that?! [pushes Cartman back] They can throw me in jail for the rest of my life, but I am NEVER going to suck your balls-- [punches Cartman lightly] EVER! So there!

Kyle:
Oh God...

Superman:
Yes, God's here too. He's gonna talk to you right after Captain Crunch.

Santa Claus:
Okay, Kyle, that's enough ball-sucking.

Stephen:
You were in Imaginationland, Butters. We read all about it in the paper. The question is, what were you doing in Imaginationland when you were supposed to be helping your mother clean up the basement?

Linda:
You are grounded, mister.

Butters:
Wait, I'm not grounded.

Stephen:
Oh, yes you are!

Butters:
Oh, yeah? [tries to use his imagination powers to end the grounding]

[Stan and Kyle have just successfully completed the song "Carry on Wayward Son" on Guitar Hero as Randy walks in]

Randy:
So you boys like this music, huh?

Kyle:
Yeah, dude, it's Guitar Hero!

Butters:
Stan and Kyle are really good at it!

Randy:
Well, you kids wanna see something really cool? Check this out. [takes out a guitar, plugs in his amp, and begins playing "Carry on Wayward Son" while singing] Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion / I was soaring ever higher / But I flew too high... / Though my eyes could --

Stan:
[angry] Dad! Dad! What are you doing?!

Randy:
I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how? [beams]

Cartman:
...Uh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.

Stan:
Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.

Randy:
But... But this is real.

Cartman:
Real guitars are for old people!

Stan:
Dude...dude! That's Jay Cutler over there--quarterback for the Denver Broncos!

Kyle:
Oh my God!

Mr. Hart:
Would you boys like to meet him?

Stan:
Are you serious?!

Mr. Hart:
Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle; they broke 100,000 points on Guitar Hero.

Jay Cutler:
[in his jersey, reclining and drinking beer next to 2 women in bikinis] Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys!

Stan:
Nice to meet you! I mean, you kind of suck but my dad says you might be good someday.

Jay Cutler:
...Thanks.

Mr. Kincaid:
Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis.

Thad:
'Sup.

Mr. Kincaid:
Thad here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad?

Thad:
Yup.

Mr. Kincaid:
He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.

Stan:
[as the Skid Row song "I Remember You" plays] Look, Kyle...the game is still set up at my house and maybe we could go try playing it again over there.

Kyle:
[sarcastically] Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, Your Royal Lordship!

Stan:
That isn't it at all.

Kyle:
[angrily] You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore!

Stan:
I know...I need you.

[Cartman, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde are playing basketball; Craig fakes out Cartman and shoots]

Cartman:
Stop cheating, Craig!

Craig:
How was that cheating?!

Cartman:
'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!

Announcer:
Congratulations! You played Guitar Hero enough to score one million points! You...ARE...FAGS!

Stan:
[after a long silence] ...That's it?

Kyle:
Goddammit. Goddammit. [they walk away]

Butters:
Well, I guess we'll never get that list from the girls.

Cartman:
Screw that, dude. We're guys; we can out-think them.

[Nelly walks down the hall and hears Craig blowing a horn and gets kicked in the groin by Butters]

Nelly:
Ow! What you did that for?! [Butters kick her again] Hey, What's your problem, asshole?!

Cartman:
Bail! Bail! [back his house in the basement] Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot, primarily that girls do not have balls.

Butters:
[in a sling with a black eye] They sure don't.

Cartman:
Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time." When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.

Butters:
You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?

Cartman:
Butters, we're done talking about girls balls right now. Pay attention.

Kyle:
Oh so big deal, guys. You feel better now? Clyde's the best looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan. And last is Francis, Cartman, and… [finds himself last on the list and is voted the ugliest; shocked] Me?

Cartman:
You're last, dude! [laughs]

Kyle:
No way!

Cartman:
Yes way, check it out!

Stan:
Cartman, lay off. You're next to last.

Stan:
That didn't sparkle with her, did it?

Jenny:
[Wendy has just revealed their secret] You just couldn't let it go.

Wendy:
[surprised] What do you mean? Call the girls in!

Jenny:
I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy.

Lola:
Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store in the mall? A lot of us have wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't...popular enough!

Wendy:
[horrified] You knew!

Lola:
[takes a package out of a file] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list. That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list and hide the real one. [points to the package]

Wendy:
[angry] So that you could all justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm going to tell Bebe and have you both DE-sparkled from the list committee!

Jenny:
Bebe? Who do you think authorized the buyout? [shocking music plays]

Wendy:
No, not Bebe.

Lola:
She's dating Clyde now! Nobody loves shoes more than her!

Stan:
[confused] What's going on?

Wendy:
When the other girls find out you ignored their votes they're gonna--

Jenny:
You really think they'll believe you over the heads of the Committee? We'll simply generate a new list, "biggest liars," and put you at the top!

Lola:
Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go, and keep your little mouth shut!

Wendy:
[coldly] I don't think so. [kicks Lola in the crotch, making her drop the list] Stan, run!

Stan:
Jesus, dude! [runs after Wendy]

Clyde:
[noticing Kyle's depressed state of mind as he walks past] Hey, Kyle! Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? Y'know Abraham Lincoln was super-ugly too, but look what he accomplished! [pats Kyle on the back] Chin up, cowboy! [approaches a girl] Hey, what's going on? [girl starts speaking in the background]

Butters:
[to Kyle] Hey! Nice...nice ears Ha ha! Pizza face! [runs off laughing]

Clyde:
[ending his conversation abruptly and speaking angrily] Butters! That's not cool, man! He can't help how he looks!

Wendy:
Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. [Stan smiles] I feel like you've changed somehow [Stan smiles more broadly] in a really awesome way.

Stan:
Yeah, well I guess a lot of things...change, don't they?

[happy music starts playing as the camera zooms in to their faces. Wendy takes a step closer and leans in to kiss Stan. A funny look comes over his face and he vomits into Wendy's face...twice]

[deleted Scene, inserts immediately after Stan vomits on Wendy at the end of the episode. Wendy is smiling, despite Stan vomiting in her face, like old times]

Kyle:
You know, I'm glad this is over, but I feel like everyone is gonna wish they knew who was really last on the list.

Wendy:
Well, I guess we'll never know...except that I looked and it was Cartman.

[back at school, Cartman is sitting at The Ugly Kids's Table in the cafeteria]

Cartman:
This is bull-crap!

Butters:
[yelling from across the cafeteria and laughing] Hey ugly ugly! Did Adolf Hitler launch a Blitzkrieg across your face?

Cartman:
Oh, well, that's fine! What really matters is the kind of person I am on the inside! [realizes what kind of person he is and gets dejected] Oh, goddammit. [bumps his head on the table. The kid that asked for Kyle's pickle earlier in the episode flat-out steals the pickle from Cartman's tray]