SpongeBob SquarePants, Season 1

SpongeBob:
There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating: The Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty... with a Help Wanted sign in the window. For years I've been dreaming of this moment. I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look 'em straight in the eye [breaks the fourth wall and looks the audience in the eye], lay it on the line and I can't do this! [starts to run home, but Patrick stops him] Hey, Patrick--

Patrick:
Where do you think you're going?

SpongeBob:
I was just-

Patrick:
No, you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab and get! That! Job!

SpongeBob:
I can't! Don't you see!? I'm not good enough.

Patrick:
Whose first words were "May I take your order?"

SpongeBob:
Mine were.

Patrick:
Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in wood shop?

SpongeBob:
I did.

Patrick:
Who's a, uh, who's uh, oh... [grimaces and contorts twice while trying to come up with a good third line] Who's a big yellow cube with holes?!

SpongeBob:
I AM!

Patrick:
[jumps] Who's ready?

SpongeBob:
[also jumps] I'm ready!

Patrick:
[jumps the second time] Who's ready?

SpongeBob:
[jumps higher] I'm ready!

Patrick:
[jumps the third and final time] Who's ready?!

SpongeBob:
[jumps really high] I'M READY! [runs toward the Krusty Krab] I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!

[Squidward is seen cleaning graffiti on the restaurant's windows. That octopus is spraying stain remover and attempting to wipe off the graffiti.]

Squidward:
[cleaning graffiti of himself with the word "loser," sees SpongeBob, and sighs] Oh no, SpongeBob. What could he possibly want?

SpongeBob:
[in background, at first while Squidward was talking] I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! Go, SpongeBob! Go, SpongeBob! Go, SpongeBob! Go, self!

[Squidward looks at the Help Wanted sign, screams, and runs inside to warn Mr. Krabs.]

Squidward:
[while SpongeBob says, "I'm ready," one more time in the background] Mr. Krabs! [cuts to the ordering window, where Mr. Krabs is seen happily sniffing a handful of money. Squidward runs up to him] Hurry, Mr. Krabs, before it's too late, I gotta tell you about-- [interrupted by SpongeBob]

SpongeBob:
Permission to come aboard, captain! [in the Powerpuff Girls Narrator's voice] I've been training my whole life for the day I could join the Krusty Krew [normal voice] and now I'm ready. [trips on a nail stuck in the floorboard. He bounces back and forth on the ground, and shouts and blurts incomprehensibly upon each hit. The restaurant manager, Mr. Krabs and Squidward look at each other. His fall causes him to bounce against the ceiling. SpongeBob yet again shouts and blurts incomprehensibly while his bounces and ricochets around the building accelerate. He then rolls to a stop at the feet of Squidward and Mr. Krabs.] So, uhh, when do I start?

Mr. Krabs:
Well, lad, it looks like you don't even have your sea legs.

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, please! I'll prove I'm fry cook material! Ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me!

[Mr. Krabs and Squidward quickly walk away from SpongeBob. Squidward looks at Mr. Krabs.]

Squidward:
[deep breath] ...No.

[Mr. Krabs winks. Squidward and Mr. Krabs head back to SpongeBob, who looks completely puzzled at what he's hearing.]

Mr. Krabs:
Well, lad, we'll give you a test, and if you pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew. Go out and fetch me... a... [SpongeBob takes out a notepad] uh, hydrodynamic spatula... [SpongeBob quickly jots down what he says] with, um, port-and-starboard-attachments, [more scribbling] and, uh... turbo drive. [more scribbling] And don't come back ‘til you get one. [puts a Krusty Krab crew hat on SpongeBob's head]

[SpongeBob sees how he looks in a mirror, there are sparkles on his hat, and he has a huge, satisfied smile.]

SpongeBob:
[saluting Krabs] Aye aye, captain! [reading] One hydrodynamic spatula, with port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up, sir! [salutes again]

Mr. Krabs:
Carry on! [SpongeBob leaves] We'll never see that lubber again.

Squidward:
[smiling] You're terrible. A hydro-what?

[Squidward and Mr. Krabs laugh. While Squidward laughs, his nose moves distinctly while he inhales and exhales. Mr. Krabs' laugh sounds like a pirate. As they laugh, SpongeBob is shown leaving the Krusty Krab.]

SpongeBob:
Permission to come aboard, Captain!

[He sings a fanfare as he comes down from the ceiling with the hydrodynamic spatula.]

SpongeBob:
Did someone order a spatula?!

[Mr. Krabs and Squidward stammer dumbfounded.]

SpongeBob:
That's right! One hydrodynamic spatula with port and starboard attachments! And let's not forget the turbo drive! [hits Mr. Krabs in the face] Would you believe they only had one in stock? TO THE KITCHEN!!! Who's hungry?!!

[After the Anchovies ravaged the Krusty Krab, only to be saved by SpongeBob, who did well with his first job as fry cook]

Mr. Krabs:
That was the finest fast-foodsmanship I've ever seen, Mr. SquarePants. Welcome aboard. [gives SpongeBob a name tag]

Squidward:
B-but, but, Mr. Krabs...

Mr. Krabs:
Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip!

Squidward:
[weakly] Hooray, Mr.—

Mr. Krabs:
Hip-hip!

Squidward:
[quickly] Hooray.

Mr. Krabs:
Hip-hip!

Squidward:
[quickly] Hooray. Mr. Krabs—

Mr. Krabs:
I'll be in my quarters, counting up the booty. [wheels a wheelbarrow piled with an enormous stack of cash to his office. As he walks towards his office, Patrick enters]

Patrick:
Good morning, Krusty Krew!

Squidward:
What would you like to order, Patrick?

Patrick:
One Krabby Patty, please.

[The instrumental to "Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight" starts playing. SpongeBob flies back to the kitchen, using his spatula]

Squidward:
What?

[A score of Krabby Patties is immediately fired through the servery, which Squidward dodges, colliding into Patrick and sending him flying out of the Krusty Krab. Cuts to Krusty Krab exterior; crashing noises.]

Patrick:
[screams]

Squidward:
Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs!! [sarcastically singing] Mr. Krabs, come see your new employee!

Tiny Tim:
[at the same time as Squidward] ♪ I'm right here to stay when I'm old and gray, I'll be right in my prime. Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, having a wonderful time! ♪

[The final instrumental of Tiny Tim's "Livin' in the Sunlight" plays (xylophone solo, followed by a timpani beat and a final note), and the further sounds of shooting Krabby Patties and smashed glass play at the same time, ending the first episode]

[Note:
this is a silent episode with no dialogue]

SpongeBob:
[to the shell, captioned] You!

SpongeBob:
[runs to Patrick] Patrick! Patrick! Patrick, Patrick, Patrick! [stops] What's air?

Patrick:
Huh?

SpongeBob:
I just met this girl. She wears a hat full of...air.

Patrick:
Do you mean she puts on "airs"?

SpongeBob:
I guess so.

Patrick:
That's just fancy talk. If you wanna be fancy, hold your pinky up like this. The higher you hold it, the fancier you are.

SpongeBob:
[holds his pinky up] How's that?

Patrick:
Higher.

SpongeBob:
Like that?

Patrick:
Now that's fancy. They should call you SpongeBob FancyPants.

SpongeBob:
[while looking at the flower in the vase filled with water; in his mind] I don't need it, I don't need it, I definitely don't need it. I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it. [pause; dehydrated] I NEED IT!

[after Patrick enters Sandy's tree dome for the first time]

Patrick:
[grabs SpongeBob off the door] You're just being shy. [carries SpongeBob to the picnic table] Don't worry, buddy. You're doing fine. [starts getting weak] I won't let you blow... this. [drops SpongeBob and crawls on the floor, panting. He coughs and sputters, then stands up and yells...] What kind of place is this?!

Sandy:
If y'all needed water, ya shoulda asked!

Squidward:
[to himself] Now for some soothing sounds from Squidward's clarinet. Thank you, thank you. [plays his clarinet badly. SpongeBob proceeds to build his Bubblestand super fast, making a loud racket] I thought I...Huh?

SpongeBob:
[waving] Hey, Squidward! Wanna blow some bubbles? Only 25 cents.

Squidward:
Right, like I would spend a moment of my time blowing bubbles.

Lou:
May I help you?

SpongeBob:
I'll take a banana split.

Lou:
Uh, we don't have that.

SpongeBob:
That's okay, I already "split" my pants. Get it?

[Sandy laughs]

Lou:
[sarcastically] Tee-hee. Anything else?

SpongeBob:
How about, "ripple"? [shows the rip in his pants; Sandy laughs some more] No thanks, already got one.

[Sandy rolls on the sand laughing]

SpongeBob:
Oh, I didn't have to be a fool to get Sandy's attention. Am I the biggest loser on the beach?! [Loser 1 walks up to SpongeBob, shining red]

Loser 1:
No, I am. I forgot to put on sunscreen. [places a fin on herself, and it leaves a sounding mark, which vanishes]

SpongeBob:
Ouch. [a fish walks up to the two]

Loser 2:
No, I am. I got sand in my buns. [shows them two sandy hamburger buns. There is a rumbling coming from the sand and a whale pops his head out of the sand]

Loser 3:
No, I'm the biggest loser on the beach. They buried me in the sand and forgot me.

All:
What happened to you?

SpongeBob:
I lost my best friend.

All:
How? [SpongeBob grabs a sand guitar and sings he is front of the sand castle and a sand telephone he built earlier]

SpongeBob:
When I ripped... [his underwear starts ripping] my pants. [starts to sing] I thought that I had everybody by my side, but I went and blew it all sky-high, and now she won't even spare a passing glance, [The curtain comes down and a spotlight shines on SpongeBob] all just because I [rips his underwear again] ripped my pants. [the other three "losers of the beach" assemble on a sand stage with sand instruments and sing]

All:
♪When big Larry came round just to put him down, SpongeBob turned into a clown, and no girl ever wants to dance with a fool who went and [Loser 1 turns around and suddenly, her bottom then rips, splitting open, revealing her white underwear] ripped his pants!♪

SpongeBob:
[singing voice, a crowd begins to gather] ♪I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse, but the pain feels so much worse. 'Cause winding up with no one is a lot less fun than a burn from the sun...♪

All:
♪Or sand in your buns!♪ [instrumental break. The loser scrapes the two buns together to make a rhythm then the curtain shows waves crashing about: drum, clarinets, and bass drum]

SpongeBob:
♪I learned a lesson I won't soon forget... so listen and you won't regret. Be true to yourself; don't miss your chance... and you won't end up like the fool... who... ripped... his... pants!♪ [the whole group comes together one by one in sync with the music and they rip their pants. By now, a huge crowd has gathered and is cheering the group onstage. A blimp flies by with SpongeBob's name on it. It's revealed that SpongeBob and his band were having a concert]

Sandy:
SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
Sandy! [she gets onstage and hugs SpongeBob. He returns the embrace]

Sandy:
Your song is true. If y'all want to be my friend, just be yourself. [Larry walks up]

Larry:
[impressed with SpongeBob's singing during the big concert] SpongeBob, that was so righteous. [hands SpongeBob a pencil] Would you... sign my pants?

SpongeBob:
Absolutely, buddy.

[SpongeBob bends down to sign Larry's pants. His underwear then rips off completely, leaving SpongeBob "au naturel." Someone off-screen whistles. SpongeBob covers his crotch, grins, and blushes sheepishly, ending the episode.]

[SpongeBob and Patrick are welcoming Squidward home from the hospital]

SpongeBob:
Welcome home, Squidward!

Patrick Star:
Merry Christmas!

SpongeBob:
But what is best is what we saved for last. The one sure-fire thing to make your best day ever the best day ever.

[Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward in Jellyfish Fields]

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing!

[While SpongeBob is walking home]

SpongeBob:
Plankton, what are you doing here?

Plankton:
I just want to talk. You could say we're friends, right?

SpongeBob:
Um...no.

Plankton:
Acquaintances?

SpongeBob:
No.

Plankton:
[thinks] Well, we're both invertebrates, aren't we?

SpongeBob:
I...guess so.

Plankton:
You see? Everything works out.

SpongeBob:
[sings] ♪ Squidward is my best friend in the world... ♪ [plays the bassinet very badly] ♪ Squidward is my best friend in the sea... ♪

[The bow flies into what looks Squidward and he screams. Fortunately, it turns out it's just a painting. Squidward growls and breaks the bow in half.]

SpongeBob:
[singing and playing the bassinet like a guitar] ♪ Squidward- ♪

Patrick:
[poking his head out the window] ♪ Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob! ♪ [Spongebob slams the window in Patrick's face] Oh!

SpongeBob:
And Patrick is a dirty, stinky, rotten friend stealer! [hits the bassinet against the floor and it breaks] Um, I can fix this. [Squidward growls angrily and kicks SpongeBob out] So, uh...I'll see you tomorrow, Squidward. Call me.

Squidward:
[after Squidward's front door falls on him] Oh-ho, my back!

[SpongeBob arrives at Mrs. Puff's Boating School]

Incidental 27:
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! Hey, I just got my license!

SpongeBob:
[snaps his fingers] Hey, I'm getting mine next.

Incidental 27:
Hey, I doubt it.

SpongeBob:
I've got too much to worry about.

Mrs. Puff:
[inflated, in deep voice] OOHHH Spongebob, WHYYYYY?

Fred:
My leg!

Mrs. Puff:
You've shown the most spectacular improvement of any student I've ever seen. What's your secret? A little radio in your head?

[She and SpongeBob laugh; cuts to Patrick at the pineapple also laughing]

Mrs. Puff:
Oh, and under that hat is some kind of, uhh, antenna?!

[Same laughing sequence as before]

Mrs. Puff:
And some guy miles away from here is giving you all the answers?!?

[The laughing sequence plays a third time]

Mrs. Puff:
Oh, yes... But that would be cheating.

[Only Patrick laughs as SpongeBob realizes he's cheating]

Patrick:
Cheating! [laughing hysterically]

SpongeBob:
I'm cheating! Mrs. Puff!

Mrs. Puff:
Yes, my star pupil?

SpongeBob:
I think I'm cheating.

[Near the end of the driving test]

SpongeBob:
Cheating, I'm a cheater! Cheater!

Mrs. Puff:
No, no, no! It's quite alright! You can cheat that way! [points towards the finish line]

SpongeBob:
No, I'm cheating!

Squidward:
Will you let go of that stupid pizza already?!

SpongeBob:
I can't, it's for the customer!

Squidward:
Who cares about the customer?

SpongeBob:
I do!

Squidward:
Well, I don't!

SpongeBob:
[wind stops momentarily; gasps] Squidward! [blown away by the wind]

Squidward:
Give it to me!

SpongeBob:
No! We promised it's for the customer!

Squidward:
[calms down] You're right. It's for the customer.

SpongeBob:
Yeah!

Squidward:
Maybe we better check on it, make sure it's okay.

SpongeBob:
Well?

Squidward:
Just a peek. [opens box]

SpongeBob:
[he shuts it quickly] Okay, it's fine!

Squidward:
No, I think I saw something. [opens box; enticingly] Oh, no. I was wrong. Looks okay. Sure is a fine-looking pizza.

SpongeBob:
[entranced] Yeah...

Squidward:
What's that? Is that the cheese?

SpongeBob:
Yeah...

Squidward:
And the pepperoni?

SpongeBob:
YEAH...

Squidward:
Ooh, looks good, huh?

SpongeBob:
[snaps out of it] ...Wait a second, I know what you're trying to do, Squidward! [closes box] I'm not letting you eat the pizza!

Squidward:
Give me the pizza!

SpongeBob:
No!

Squidward:
Don't make me take it away from you, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
GET AWAY!

Customer:
Another one?! Look, I told your little friend I AIN'T PAYIN' FOR THAT.

Squidward:
Well this one's ON THE HOUSE! [brutally slams the pizza box in the customer's face]

Squidward:
[picks up the shellphone] Hello?

SpongeBob:
[panicking] Squidward!

Squidward:
Is it time already for you to ruin my day?

Patrick:
Is it time already to ruin Squid's day? [falls; dressed in the tuxedo] Hey, SpongeBob! Don't start without me.

Squidward:
Tum-ta-dum! Today's the big day, Squidward! Don't wanna be late! [he flies into his closet, gets dressed, and goes outside] Gotta hurry! Hold it! Hold everything! [SpongeBob and Patrick stand outside, with bags] I would not want to miss this. The day SpongeBob moves! I can't believe it's really happening.

SpongeBob:
Don't worry, Squidward. I'll come visit you.

Squidward:
Don't try to cheer me up, SpongeBob. [changes his smile to a frown briefly] Please.

SpongeBob:
Here come my parents. [Patrick beings to cry and the car horn sounds as SpongeBob's parents drive up]

Mrs. SquarePants:
SpongeBob! Hi, honey, we're here!

Mr. SquarePants:
Come on, SpongeBob, hurry, hurry, son, your mother has dinner waiting.

SpongeBob:
Hi, Mom.

Squidward:
Hello, Mrs. SquarePants! Let me help you with these bags. [picks up the bags and carries them to the car]

SpongeBob:
Just give me a minute. [As Patrick continues to cry in the background, SpongeBob walks back to where his house used to be.] I cannot hold onto you any longer, little pebble. [buries it into the ground in the middle of where his house used to be] You hold too many memories. [as he starts to cry, a tear falls from his nose and into the ground where the seed absorbs it, it then starts to glow. Then SpongeBob shakes Squidward's hand] Well, Squidward, this is goodbye. [walks away]

Squidward:
Goodbye, SpongeBob, goodbye. [dances and celebrates] Goodbye, SpongeBob. Bye-bye-bye. Goodbye, SpongeBob. Ha-ha. Goodbye, goodbye. [Patrick lies on the ground, bawling, as SpongeBob gets in the car]

Mrs. SquarePants:
Come on, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
Goodbye, Patrick. Goodbye, Bikini Bottom.

[Patrick holds onto the back of the boat, lifting the front into the air, as he cries, begging for SpongeBob to stay.]

Squidward:
[still dancing and celebrating] SpongeBob is leaving. He's leaving, he's leaving! [the seed shakes violently] La, la, la, la, la, la, la ha ha ha ha! [the seed shakes even more violently] He leaving, ha ha! [seed still shakes, then it sprouts three roots] SpongeBob is leaving, he's leaving!

[Suddenly, the ground starts shaking. Squidward stops dancing, while SpongeBob, his parents and Patrick stare, bemused. A giant green stem grows out of the ground, SpongeBob's house grows from the plant and drops where his old house used to be and on Squidward. The stem then goes back into the ground]

SpongeBob:
My house is back! [SpongeBob, his parents, and Patrick all happily run into the pineapple] Aww! Good old pineapple! It was exactly where it used to be! [continues praising all of the returned belongings he possessed in his original house. SpongeBob returns to Squidward buried under the floor] Aww, Squidward, isn't this great? I'm back forever!

Squidward:
[muffled] Forever?

Barnacle Boy:
Time to come out of retirement. There's evil afoot.

Mermaid Man:
Evil! Where is it?

Barnacle Boy:
[points at SpongeBob and Patrick] There it is! You know what this means? [opens a box containing their rings]

Mermaid Man:
Donuts!

Barnacle Boy:
Doh brother.

Squidward:
Let me guess, Tiny, a small salad?

Bubble Bass:
I'll take a Double Triple Bossy Deluxe on a raft, four by four, animal style, extra shingles with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it and let it swim.

Squidward:
[stops writing] We serve food here, sir.

SpongeBob:
Wait a minute!

[He pulls out Bubble Bass's tongue, revealing four pickles underneath]

SpongeBob:
Look! He's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!

Mr. Krabs:
And there's the pickles from last time, too!

Woman Fish:
And there's my car keys!

[All the customers surround Bubble Bass angrily]

Bubble Bass:
And, there's my ride. [runs out of the Krusty Krab]

[SpongeBob is lying on the ground after the class tramples him while running out the door]

Mrs. Puff:
SpongeBob, are you okay?

SpongeBob:
I overdid the speech again, didn't I?

Mrs. Puff:
I'm afraid so.

SpongeBob:
[gets up] Aw, tartar sauce! I guess I won't be needing this. [takes off uniform] I hardly knew you. [frowns and begins to walk away]

Mrs. Puff:
[shows sadness on her face] Uh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Yes, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff:
I can at least let you wear it until tomorrow.

SpongeBob:
[flies back into the uniform with a shout of joy] Thanks, Mrs. Puff! [walks away]

Mrs. Puff:
[to herself] What are the consequences of what I've just done? [sighs as she walks back into her classroom]

SpongeBob:
[takes a look at a wanted poster] Huh, this guy's not half-bad-looking for a maniac. Wait a minute, Patrick... I'm the maniac!

[Patrick screams in the background. Four police cars and several policeman surround SpongeBob]

Incidental 118:
We'll take that as a confession. [Mrs. Puff appears]

Mrs. Puff:
SpongeBob SquarePants, there you are! I turn my back on you for one minute and you destroy half the city! You should be ashamed of yourself! [SpongeBob slumps sadly at these words]

Incidental 118:
You know this guy?

Mrs. Puff:
Of course I do. I'm the one who gave him the uniform in the first place. He's my responsibility. [the cops glare at her] Uh-oh...

SpongeBob:
Squidward! Hey, Squidward! Squidward! Squidward-ier! [Squidward peeks out his window] Squidward! Look at my new pet.

Squidward:
That's no pet, that's a wild animal.

SpongeBob:
No, he isn't. Watch this. [throws a stick so the jellyfish returns it. SpongeBob is holding up 3 fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?

Jellyfish:
[humming] 1, 2, 3.

SpongeBob:
Play dead! [jellyfish is buried underground with a tomb that says "R.I.P.". He pops up]

Squidward:
I wouldn't let that thing into my house even if it was potty trained! [the jellyfish, still on the rope, is on a toilet reading a newspaper as he hums casually] ...I didn't need to see that.

SpongeBob:
Well, we're going to my house to have a little fun.

Squidward:
How can you possibly have fun with a jellyfish?

[they proceed to show exactly how, as they then launch into a loud, intense rave in SpongeBob's house]

Squidward:
[lying in his bed while everything in his house shakes because of SpongeBob's loud music] SpongeBob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish... FOR TWELVE HOURS!

Squidward:
[as he wakes up- or at least, when he's supposed to, as he obviously hasn't gotten any sleep due to the music] RRRRRRRGH.... EIGHTEEN HOURS!!!!!

SpongeBob:
So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!

Patrick:
I didn't even know!

SpongeBob:
Well, I've got you now!

Patrick:
Oh, but it's not you that's got me. It's... [fires his pop-gun, but traps himself instead] ...me that's got me.

Mr. Krabs:
It's not the boots, it's the bootee. Err, um, the person in the boots. You're a great fry cook, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
You really think so, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
I do, son. [gives SpongeBob money] Here's your paycheck, SpongeBob. [gives more money] Plus, a bonus. [takes bonus back] Well, there's your paycheck anyway. I need a vacation.

SpongeBob:
Bye, Mr. Krabs.

Squidward:
[about SpongeBob, who has decided to go live in the wild] He took off his pants...

Sandy:
I'll give him a week.

Squidward:
I'll give him 11 minutes.

Patrick:
[on the verge of tears] Patrick SAAADDDDDD!

Sandy:
Here, Patrick, have a Krabby Patty! [whispers] There he is Patrick, say your line!

Patrick:
[reading script] Why, thank you, Sandy, I would love one. (Take patty.) [takes the patty] Too bad SpongeBob isn't here, these are his favorites. I sure wish he'd come home! (Take...bite...) [tries to but can't] I CAN'T DO IT! SpongeBob, come back!

SpongeBob:
Patrick, I'm not coming home.

Patrick:
I miss you! Sandy misses you! Even Squidward misses you!

[Cuts to Squidward at a party in his house dancing and cheering that SpongeBob is gone.]

[Later, SpongeBob is walking home, back to Bikini Bottom, at night.]

SpongeBob:
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. [says "Buzz" fourteen more times as he walks up to the Krusty Krab door with a "Closed" sign and sees a plate full of Krabby Patties on a table] Krabby Patties. Buzz. Buzz. [walks past Sandy's treedome, then he sniffles] Sandy. [still saying "Buzz," walks up to his pineapple] What have I done? I had a great life and friends, and I gave all of that up.

[SpongeBob opens the door. The light turns on. Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Squidward, Patrick, and Gary are there to welcome him home.]

Mr. Krabs, Patrick, and Sandy:
Welcome home, SpongeBob! [Squidward blows a party blower]

SpongeBob:
You guys are the best! I made a huge mistake. Please forgive me!

Mr. Krabs:
Ah, quit your blubbering and have a Krabby Patty. [hands him a Krabby Patty]

SpongeBob:
Don't mind if I do. [eats it as Mr. Krabs places his Krusty Crew hat on his head]

Mr. Krabs:
And I'll see you at work first thing tomorrow morning.

SpongeBob:
[salutes] Aye, aye, captain!

Squidward:
SpongeBob, do us all a favor. [hands SpongeBob his pants]

SpongeBob:
Don't mind if I do! [puts on his pants] Ta-dah. [hugs Squidward] Aww.

Squidward:
Okay, that's enough. [everyone else hugs SpongeBob and Squidward]

Gary:
Meow.

Squidward:
Could we please stop this? [everyone except SpongeBob starts to feel something]

Patrick:
Patrick itchy! [everyone but SpongeBob starts to scratch themselves and crawl on the floor]

SpongeBob:
It is great to be home!

SpongeBob:
Hi, Squidward. I mean, goodbye, Squidward!. Aw, isn't Opposite Day...terrible? [laughs]

Squidward:
[growling] I'll tell you what's terrible; living next to you! You're the worst neighbor in history!

SpongeBob:
Wow, that's the nicest thing Squidward's ever said to me.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are talking backwards]

SpongeBob:
.kcirtap, yeH (Hey, Patrick.)

Patrick:
.pu evig I (I give up.)

SpongeBob:
!edis etisoppo eht ot teg oT (To get to the opposite side!)

[Both laughing backwards]

SpongeBob:
I don't get it. I made my house a mess, which was making it clean, which made Squidward clean my yard, but that really means he's messing it up. But the opposite of clean is filth, which means filth is clean, that means Squidward is really making my yard a wreck, but I normally wreck my own yard which means, Squidward is being the opposite of Squidward, which means he's SpongeBob! A-ha! I understand everything now! I must be the opposite of SpongeBob, by being... [Disguises himself to look like Squidward; talks like him] Squidward.

Patrick:
Hey! I wanna be opposite, too!

[SpongeBob puts some coral on Patrick to give him a Squidward nose.]

Patrick:
Yeah! Finally! Yoo-hoo! I'm Squidward! I'm Squidward! Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

SpongeBob:
Wait. It's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite. [mimics Squidward] You have to act like him too. Boy oh boy, do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long but I never get any better. [own voice] Now you try.

Patrick:
Okay. [inhales, beat] I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

SpongeBob and Patrick:
I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!

Squidward:
[looks livid then calms down] Let me show you guys how much I HATE YOU.

[Squidward leaves; the ground rumbles and SpongeBob and Patrick scream and run off; reveals Squidward driving the bulldozer used to dismantle SpongeBob's house with; the two run away]

SpongeBob:
Patrick, do you ever feel that Squidward likes us too much?!

Squidward:
HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY.

[Squidward laughs evilly as he continues chasing them as they run away into the distance, ending the episode]

Squidward:
Uh, good evening and welcome to the first annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show, sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, because no one else would give it a home. [a rimshot plays and Patrick bursts out laughing] Uh, thank you, heh. Our next act is living proof that nepotism is alive and well. [another rimshot plays and Patrick laughs again]

Patrick:
It's happened! [laughing]

Squidward:
Heh, thank you. Uh, put your fins together for... [Patrick cracks up laughing very hard. Bashes on the table with laughter, shaking dinnerware. He falls off his chair] Put your... [Patrick laughs] Put... [Patrick laughs] Pearl. [crowd applauds]

Mr. Krabs:
Hooray! [the curtain rises for Pearl, dressed in cheerleader uniform] My little girl is finally a star.

Pearl:
Give me a K-R-U! [jumps up and down on the stage causing the crowd to fly up and down with her] Give me a S-T-Y! [jumps up and down again] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down]

Mr. Krabs:
[he, Patrick, and SpongeBob's parents get tossed up and down. Mr. Krabs appears happy] Now that's what I call talent! [Krusty Krab floor is destroyed]

Pearl:
Thank you!

Fred:
My leg! Ugh!

Pearl:
Thank you, [chuckles] thank you!

SpongeBob:
It's not about winning, it's about fun!

Plankton:
What's that?

SpongeBob:
Fun is when you... [thinking to himself] fun is... it's like... it's kinda... sorta like a... what is fun? I... let me spell it for you. [singing while showing the letter "F"] ♪ F is for friends who do stuff together, [cut to a bored Plankton, then cut to SpongeBob showing the letter "U"] U is for you and me, [as the letter "N" while performing a cartwheel] N is for anywhere, anytime at all ♪

Clams:
[the letters "F" and "U" reappear next to SpongeBob] ♪ Down here in the deep blue sea ♪

Plankton:
♪ F is for fire that burns down the whole town, [cut to SpongeBob, visibly scared] U is for uranium... BOMBS, [cut back to Plankton] N is for no sur-vi-vors, WHEN YOU--- ♪

SpongeBob:
Plankton! Those things aren't what fun is all about. Now, do it like this: [does some wacky dance moves] ♪ F is for friends who do stuff to-- ♪

Plankton:
Never! That's completely idiotic!

SpongeBob:
Here, let me help you. [grabs Plankton hands while helping him dance] ♪ F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me ♪ [stops singing] Try it!

Plankton:
[performs a cartwheel] ♪ N is for anywhere, anytime at all ♪

Clams:
♪ Down here in the deep blue sea ♪

Plankton:
Wait, I don't understand this, I feel all tingly inside. Should we stop?

SpongeBob:
No! That's how you're supposed to feel!

Plankton:
Well, I like it. Let's do it again!

SpongeBob:
[the scene cuts to the flower beds] Okay!

SpongeBob and Plankton:
♪ F is for frolic through all the flowers, [cut to Plankton inside a ukulele. SpongeBob is dressed Hawaiian style] U is for ukulele. [cut to the two at a Noses shop] N is nose-picking, [cut to SpongeBob blowing gum with Plankton inside] sharing gum, [cut to SpongeBob licking sand at Plankton] and sand-licking, here with my best buddy. [cut the two having fun with the "FUN" letters in the background] Hahahahahahahaha! ♪

[At the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs is looking through a telescope at SpongeBob and Plankton.]

Mr. Krabs:
Arrgh, mutiny.

Mr. Krabs:
Maybe the lad was right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight. [notices the Krabby Patty on the table is a cardboard prop] And maybe scallops will fly out of me pants. [jumps into the boat that serves as the cash register stand, takes a pair of oars, and starts rowing it] Hang on, lad, I'm a-comin'!

SpongeBob:
This "working out" thing isn't working out.

SpongeBob:
A grape fresh from the vine, your ghostliness. [drops grape into Squidward's mouth] A banana peeled to your liking, your incorporealness. [squeezes the banana into Squidward's mouth]

Patrick:
One watermelon... [drops watermelon into Squidward's mouth, who keels over due to the weight] fresh from the manure fields, your spookiness.

Squidward:
SpongeBob, I have a confession to make. [takes off towel from his head]

SpongeBob:
[gasps] You're bald?!

Squidward:
No, I'm not bald! I'm alive! Now get rid of that tombstone and tell all your friends to go home!

SpongeBob:
But--

Squidward:
Do it!

SpongeBob:
Go home. [everyone leaves] But I, Master--

Squidward:
I'm not your master, I'm your neighbor! Now do me a favor and stop doing me favors!

SpongeBob:
As you wish, master.

Squidward:
D'oh!

Patrick:
Boy, he really had us fooled.

SpongeBob:
No, Patrick. He's the fool. He's a ghost in denial. He needs us now more than ever!

Patrick:
You're right. He really needs to get up to the great beyond.

SpongeBob:
Patrick, say that again!

Patrick:
That again.

SpongeBob:
No, the other thing.

Patrick:
No, the other thing.

SpongeBob:
[annoyed] No, what you said before when you...

Patrick:
No, what you said before when you...

SpongeBob:
Never mind! I've got an idea.

Patrick:
Never mind! I've got an idea.

Pearl Krabs:
[walks up outside the ladies restroom] Sponge, are you okay?

SpongeBob:
[crying] Messed everything up.

Pearl:
Don't worry SpongeBob, ya didn't mess everything up.

SpongeBob:
[crying] Hot dog.

Pearl:
Actually, it was pretty funny when that hot dog landed in Judy's hair.

SpongeBob:
[crying] All I wanted was to have a good time.

Pearl:
But I am having a good time! You know, we haven't finished our dance yet.

SpongeBob:
[whimpers] Can I still wear the wig?

Pearl:
Yes, you can still wear the wig.

SpongeBob:
[runs out and grabs Pearl to the dance floor] Let's go!

SpongeBob:
Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward. Hey, Squidward.

Squidward:
Okay, I'll bite. What is it, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Do you know what today is?

Squidward:
Annoy Squidward Day?

SpongeBob:
[laughs] No, silly. [gets out a calendar] That's on the 15th. [points to a picture of Squidward's head on the calendar] Today is the annual Employee of the Month.

[SpongeBob and Squidward are trying to drag along some big items. SpongeBob is dragging an anchor and Squidward is dragging a flaming boat.]

Squidward:
SpongeBob? Truce? [both wave a white flag]

SpongeBob:
Truce.

Squidward:
SpongeBob, I can't take it anymore. If we keep this up, neither of us will win the award!

SpongeBob:
You're right. We should save our energy for work where we really need it. [it’s now dawn]

Squidward:
Okay, let's have a good clean fight.

SpongeBob:
And may the better man win.

[They shake hands smiling]

SpongeBob:
[thinking] He's nothing but a lying, boneless, ink-squirting, big-nosed phony.

Squidward:
[thinking] Look at that bucktooth, corn-fed smile, you can't trust him as far as you can throw him.

SpongeBob:
[thinking] As soon as he stops shaking my hand...

Squidward:
[thinking] ...I'm gonna make a run for it.

[SpongeBob and Squidward stop shaking hands, laugh nervously, and hastily run for the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is opening it up.]

Mr. Krabs:
Money, money, gonna make some money! [sees SpongeBob and Squidward come running over] Ah, it warms me wallet to see me employees coming in so early. Boys, you're early! [Mr. Krabs realizes that they aren't stopping for anything] Wait! [both push Mr. Krabs out of the way and start doing nice stuff]

SpongeBob:
Look, Mr. Krabs! Clean floors!

Squidward:
Clean tables, Mr. Krabs! [presses too hard on the table while he is cleaning and breaks it in half]

SpongeBob:
Clean dishes, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
What's going on here?! [SpongeBob drops and breaks the dishes and mops them just like that]

SpongeBob:
It's much more efficient to clean dishes this way, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
No!

Squidward:
Flowers and chocolate for you, Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob:
Look, I'm putting my own money in the register, Mr. Krabs! [SpongeBob puts his money into the register. Squidward and SpongeBob are in the kitchen] Two spatulas to increase productivity, Mr. Krabs! Faster, SpongeBob, faster!

Squidward:
There's nothing to this patty flipping, Mr. Krabs! I'll easily double your output, SpongeHog!

Mr. Krabs:
Boys, boys, boys! [music gradually speeds up; both SpongeBob and Squidward make many patties to overflow the kitchen, cornering Mr. Krabs] Help! Help! [the amount of Krabby Patties fills up the kitchen and the Krusty Krab itself, causing the whole restaurant to explode, sending thousands of patties raining down in front of the citizens]

Dave:
Hey, free Krabby Patties!

Mr. Krabs:
[with his head bursting through one of SpongeBob's employee pictures] Wait, you've got to pay for those! Wait! Wait! Wait! Boys, the Krabby Patties! [SpongeBob and Squidward come through the picture frame that Mr. Krabs is in and ask him who is the winner, while Mr. Krabs is still complaining about the Krabby Patties]

SpongeBob:
So, who's the winner of Employee of the Month?

Squidward:
Me, me! It's me! [SpongeBob and Squidward continue calling out simultaneously about who is the winner]

Mr. Krabs:
Boys! Wait! Boys, the Krabby Patties! Boys, wait! [the three continue to argue as the episode fades to black]

SpongeBob:
[after the Flying Dutchman runs away in fear, SpongeBob is shown entirely shaved, exposing his brain] Hey, what do you know? I scared him. [laughs; everyone else runs out of the Krusty Krab, screaming; walking outside with Patrick] It worked, Patrick! I scared everybody!

Patrick:
Yeah, I guess it was your pink hat.

SpongeBob:
Pink hat? Oh, that's not a hat, that's my brain.

Patrick:
Oh... [runs away screaming]

[Screen goes to black, ending the episode]

SpongeBob:
[offscreen] Don't worry, it grows back.

Squidward:
[to SpongeBob] Would you please stop leaving your undergarments on my front lawn?

SpongeBob:
Squidward, could you watch Gary this weekend?

Squidward:
What's a Gary?

SpongeBob:
Not a Gary. Gary. He's my pet snail. [shows Gary to Squidward] Say hello.

[Gary hisses at Squidward and drools]

Squidward:
You actually care for that thing?

SpongeBob:
I love Gary.

Squidward:
Well, I don't. Get somebody else. [walks off]

SpongeBob:
I guess we can't go away this weekend after all, Patrick.

Squidward:
[stops walking] Go away? [walks in reverse back to SpongeBob's Pineapple] You mean, if I watch Gary, you guys will be gone all weekend?

SpongeBob:
[while transforming into a snail] I take it back, Gary! Something is wrong with MEEEE-OWW!!

[Cuts to Squidward in his bed with his clarinet]

Squidward:
I hope I never see another snail again. Good night, Clary. [a knock is heard on the door and the doorbell rings] Who could that be? As if I didn't already know. [goes downstairs and answers the front door] SpongeBob, I already told you. You're gonna be just fiiiii-- HIIIII--- HAAAUGH?!

[attempts to say "fine", but hesitates and shouts almost hysterically]

SpongeBob:
[now a snail] Meow.

Squidward:
AAAAHHHH!!!!

SpongeBob:
Meow! Meow!

[Squidward touches SpongeBob's left eye and it curls up. He screams again and runs back inside shutting the door]

Squidward:
SpongeBob?! Oh, Neptune! What have I done?! [picks up the snail plasma syringe] It's all your fault! [throws it away] Okay, okay, okay, okay, get it together, Squidward.

[Last lines]

Squidward:
[rushed] I was in the future and then I was in the past, and there was nowhere, and now, I'm back! And...you don't know how happy I am to see you guys.

SpongeBob:
Does this mean you wanna go...

SpongeBob and Patrick:
...jellyfishing?

Squidward:
No!! Who's the barnaclehead who invented that game anyway?

SpongeBob and Patrick:
You are, Squidward.

[We cut to the island of Bikini Bottom up above the sea while SpongeBob and Patrick both laugh offscreen]

Squidward:
[offscreen] I'm going back.

[The park is now a mess as buns are everywhere and trees, plants and rocks are split into two. Mr. Krabs is walking through the park, carrying an umbrella.]

Mr. Krabs:
Huh? What the barnacle? [everything in the park is chopped in half. Sandy is chopping wood while SpongeBob rests on a rock]

SpongeBob:
Do you think Mr. Krabs ever does karate?

Mr. Krabs:
[clearing his throat to get SpongeBob's attention] Bleuhahugh!

SpongeBob:
[screams] Mr. Krabs! [tries to hold a tree back in one piece] Uhh, hey, Mr. Krabs, how’s it going? [holds the rock in one piece] Nice day, huh? [half of the tree falls on SpongeBob's head] Oh, alright, Mr. Krabs. You caught me. But you know what? I just can't help myself. You're just gonna have to fire me.

Mr. Krabs:
Fire ya? [grabs a couple Krabby Patties] I've got something else in mind.

[Bubble transition back to the Krusty Krab, and SpongeBob and Sandy are karate chopping up Krabby Patties for the customers. Sandy is chopping up the meat and SpongeBob is chopping up the mustard]

Sandy:
I love karate!

SpongeBob:
I love kare-ah-tay!

Mr. Krabs:
I love money-ay.

Squidward:
I hate all of you.

SpongeBob:
[jumps out of Gary's dream cloud and hops up onto his alarm clock to get into his own; sees Patrick's dream cloud outside the window] I wonder what Patrick's dreaming. [Patrick is stuck to the bottom of his rock, sucking his thumb and snoring. SpongeBob runs over] I can't resist! [laughs and jumps into the dream cloud. Inside, he opens a door to see Patrick rocking back and forth on a 25¢ kiddie ride amidst the blank, white scenery] Hey, Patrick!

Patrick:
Hi, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
[walks over] You know, Patrick, this is a dream. You can do anything you want.

Patrick:
Yup.

SpongeBob:
I mean anything! Watch. I can turn into a skyscraper. [transforms into the shape of a skyscraper] Going up! Eh? [sees that Patrick is unresponsive and frowns, then perks up again] I can make... [changes back to his normal shape and size, this time with a million copies of himself] A million of me! Eh? Eh?

Patrick:
Yup. [the SpongeBob clones disappear]

SpongeBob:
Ah, tartar sauce. I'm going to a different dream. [leaves]

Patrick:
Okay. Bye, SpongeBob. [kiddie ride comes to a halt; Patrick reaches into his pocket and pulls out another quarter and goes to put it in the slot, but accidentally drops it and it rolls away] Oh! [the quarter falls into a sewer grate] Shoot, that was my last quarter. [sits on the ride with a dull gaze]

SpongeBob:
[screams as he gets shot out of Mr. Krabs' dream cloud and into Plankton's dream on a building. The plunger is stuck onto a building] Hey, Plankton's dreaming about Bikini Bottom.

Plankton:
Zap! [zaps a building near SpongeBob and fish: Incidental 93, Incidental 40, Incidental 86 come running out] I see you. [stomps up to another building, twenty times the size of his normal self] Zap! [shoots a green laser out of his eye]

Fred:
My leg!

Plankton:
I see you. Zap!

SpongeBob:
Plankton! [tries to get himself untied from the rope around his ankle]

Plankton:
I see you... [SpongeBob gets untied and drops to the ground] Zap! [zaps and disintegrates the building that SpongeBob was on, then walks to the Krusty Krab. People continue to: Fred, and Incidental 73 scream in panic] Oh look, it's the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty. [stomps on it] Crush! [picks up the Krusty Krab sign and starts to lick it as if it was a lollipop and walks off] Lick, lick!

SpongeBob:
[as he runs around] This isn't a dream! This is a nightmare!

Gary:
Meow! Meow!

SpongeBob:
[stops and looks. Appears more and more worried.] Gary! Gary! No!

Gary:
Meow! [Plankton still coming towards Gary making giant step sounds]

Plankton:
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

SpongeBob:
Gary! [jumps over to Gary and hugs him] I've got you, Gary!

Plankton:
Peek-a-boo! Here comes my foot! [stomps his foot on SpongeBob & Gary] YEAH! Huh? [lifts up his foot] YOW!

SpongeBob:
[suddenly turns into a pin] I think he’s got the point. [laughs]

Plankton:
[deflates and shrinks] WHOA!

[SpongeBob walks home into his own dream cloud where his real self is still sleeping]

SpongeBob:
Ah, that was fun and all, but it's good to be back in my own dream cloud. [goes to sleep] Ah... [wakes up after hearing his friends voices and faces hovering around his head]

Squidward:
[his head starts circling SpongeBob] SpongeBob! [the heads of Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Gary, Plankton, Pearl and Patrick start surrounding SpongeBob]

Heads of SpongeBob's friends:
SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
[tossing and turning in his sleep] What do you want from me? Leave me alone! No, no... No, no, no, no, no, no! [Squidward nudged and tapped SpongeBob and he wakes up]

Squidward:
SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
[screams, then sees his friends stand around his bed, except Patrick] Hey, what are you all doing in your pajamas? Are we having a slumber party?

[Scene now shows Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Gary, Plankton, and Pearl, who all look angry at SpongeBob.]

Squidward:
No. We are not having a slumber party!

Sandy:
Do us all a favor, SpongeBob, and stay out of our dreams!

All except Patrick:
[grumble in agreement]

Plankton:
Take a hike!

Squidward:
Don't we get enough of you during the day?

Gary:
[in anger] Meow!

Patrick:
[walks in] Does anyone have a quarter? [all stare at Patrick]

SpongeBob:
Sandy, I'm sick. Can you escort me to the doctor's?

Sandy:
Sure, SpongeBob. I'll be there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August-

SpongeBob:
[on the phone] Okay Sandy, thanks! [sneezes through the phone] Achoo!

Sandy:
Patrick, you open this door. [Patrick is rolling SpongeBob away] Patrick, sometimes I just don't understand you. [SpongeBob sneezes] Hey! [walks over to Patrick's house] Okay, Patrick, where's SpongeBob?

Patrick:
Uhh, uhh, he's not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Sandy:
Okay, now tell me, [shows two rocks] since when do you have two houses?

Patrick:
Since I ran out of space to put my stuff.

Sandy:
Uh-huh, yeah. Since when does your house have feet? [SpongeBob's feet are sticking out of the other rock]

Patrick:
This is my mobile home. [SpongeBob sneezes the rock off]

SpongeBob:
Hiya, Sandy.

Patrick:
[holding SpongeBob's hand] Hmmm, the dirt therapy seems to be working just fine.

Sandy:
Patrick, SpongeBob has to see a real doctor.

Patrick:
No, he doesn't! I'm taking good care of him! Show her, SpongeBob! Say 'ahh'.

SpongeBob:
Ahh... [exhales a green gas that kills all the plants, clams, and everything else in its path]

Sandy:
See? He's even worse than I thought.

Patrick:
[wearing a clothespin on his non-existing nose] What do you mean? He's fine. [Sandy snatches the clothespin off of his nose]

SpongeBob:
I'm okay, Sandy, really. [sneezes again, enlarging himself more]

Sandy:
I'm taking you to the doctor right now! [rolls SpongeBob away]

Patrick:
Hey, that's my patient! [runs over and pushes SpongeBob the opposite way] You can't take him to the doctor's!

Sandy:
[rolling SpongeBob the other way again] Don't be silly, Patrick!

Patrick:
[carrying SpongeBob the other way] He's mine! [Sandy is log rolling SpongeBob the opposite way]

Sandy:
SpongeBob, you'll be better soon. [Patrick is using a wheelbarrow for SpongeBob]

Patrick:
I'll save you! [Sandy is using SpongeBob as a basketball]

SpongeBob:
I'm better, guys! Really! [Sandy and Patrick both push him into each other, squeezing him until he launches into the air]

Sandy:
Now look what you've done, Patrick!

Patrick:
What I've done? Everything was fine until you showed up!

Sandy:
You should be arrested for impersonating a doctor!

Patrick:
Hey! I'm a good doctor! Right, SpongeBob? [SpongeBob comes down and rolls away]

SpongeBob:
Guys!

Sandy:
Huh?

Patrick:
SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
I can't stop! [screams while he rolls down a hill] Help me! [Mr. Krabs is cleaning some dimes]

Mr. Krabs:
Shiny dimes.

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob? [runs out the front doors] Stop, SpongeBob! Stop...!

[SpongeBob stops just in time. Mr. Krabs sighs in relief until SpongeBob sneezes so hard that he releases a cloud of pink bubbles that fill the screen and destroy the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs glares at SpongeBob, who returns to his normal size.]

Patrick:
Heart on stick, must die! [goes to the pole and tries to pick it up but can't; Patrick sees a little girl eating a heart-shaped lollipop] Heart on stick, must die. [grabs it, breaks it, and stuffs it in his mouth]

Sandy:
Howdy, Patrick!

Patrick:
[turns around] Hi, Sandy! [notices the chocolate balloon, then is confused and speaks gibberish]

SpongeBob:
Happy Valentine's Day, Patrick! [Patrick jumps for joy and jumps on the balloon]

Patrick:
Yay! My valentine! Hey, is this solid chocolate?

SpongeBob:
Patrick, no! [Patrick bites the balloon and chocolate explodes everywhere. SpongeBob and Patrick are in the mess and Patrick forgets his anger]

Patrick:
Aw, SpongeBob... you didn't have to get me anything.

Squidward:
Well, you can't play music with a piece of paper. [plays 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' off-key. Little black musical note symbols fall out of the clarinet]

SpongeBob:
[applauding] Hooray! Hooray! That was great, Squidward. All those wrong notes you played made it sound more original.

Squidward:
What? I didn't play any wrong notes. [plays the song off-key again]

SpongeBob:
Yeah, see, you're playing it like this... [plays his piece of paper as the clarinet with the note symbols coming out] ...When ordinarily it goes like this. [plays the song on-key] I'm partial to doing it in the key of A-minor myself. [plays the song in high notes. A music sheet appears] Ah, nothing like a duet between buddies, eh, Squidward?

Squidward:
Wait, more impressions! A guy [angrily] throwing a piece of paper on the ground! [throws it on the ground] A guy stomping on the piece of paper [stomps on the paper, then picks it up and is upset] I'm a guy who traded everything he owns for a...

Patrick:
[walks up to Squidward chewing gum] A worthless piece of paper. [grabs the paper] Hey, thanks, it's just what I needed, Squidward. [blows a gum bubble then puts the gum on the piece of paper and throws it behind him in the garbage can. Then he walks away, towards SpongeBob's house] Nice shirt, SpongeBob. [laughs]

[The wind whistles.]

Squidward:
Anybody have any sunscreen? [The episode ends with a fade out to black.]

Mr. Krabs:
Where could they be? They shoulda been here hours ago! Yargh, if I don't make any money today, I'll surely break out in a rash!

SpongeBob:
[offscreen] Yipee! I'm rich, Patrick, look! Eight gold doubloons!

Mr. Krabs:
Wait! I saw it first! [leaps through the air and lands on the table where SpongeBob and Patrick are playing a game] Mine! Mine! [realizing] Huh?

SpongeBob:
Boy, Mr. Krabs, you sure are sweaty.

Mr. Krabs:
I'll roll for you, boy.

SpongeBob:
But, Mr...

Mr. Krabs:
8 paces, north, that's a good start, lad.

SpongeBob:
But, Mr...

Mr. Krabs:
1, 2, 3...

SpongeBob:
MR. KRABS, I WANNA GO TO BED!!! [pauses] Mr. Krabs, I'm sorry, but it's just a game, ya know?

Mr. Krabs:
A game. That's... right. Of course it is, my mistake. [picks up the game board and folds it in half] I guess I got a little carried away, eh? Though it is treasure we're dealin’ with here. Sorry, for disturbin’ ya, lad. [walks away while SpongeBob shuts the door; Morning arrives, and then the clam "rooster" crows everyone up.] Avast! Pineapple, ho. Heave two, and prepare to be boarded.

SpongeBob:
Aw, go home already. [gets out of bed and looks out the window] I'm done playing that game, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:
That's Captain Krabs to you, and this is no game. We're gonna be pirates.

SpongeBob:
[excited] Pirates?

Mr. Krabs:
Aye! How'd you like to go on a real treasure hunt, with a real treasure map?

SpongeBob and Patrick:
[Patrick appears from the side of SpongeBob's house] Treasure? [dancing around] We're gonna be pirates, we're gonna be pirates!

Mr. Krabs:
Ay, ay, ay. Belay that skippin'. Pirates don't skip. [throws them a bag of pirate stuff] Put on this pirate garb, so I won't be embarrassed to be seen with ya. Arrgh.

SpongeBob:
Oh, Patrick. Look! Peg legs and eye patches.

Mr. Krabs:
Now, don't you feel more like pirates?

SpongeBob:
[walks towards the plank using two peg legs] Look, I'm Peggy the Pirate! [falls on the plank]

Patrick:
[walks towards the plank with two separate eye patches covering his eyes] I'm Blindbeard the Pirate! [falls on SpongeBob] Ow.

Mr. Krabs:
Arrgh! [fade to ship sailing across in midair] Keep a sharp lookout, SpongeBob. Accordin' to the map, we're close to the first landmark.

SpongeBob:
Really? Can we see the map?

Mr. Krabs:
Uh... no! Only the captain can lay eyes on the map.

SpongeBob:
Okie dokie, then.

Mr. Krabs:
Arrgh, a pirate doesn't say, "okie dokie, then." A pirate says, "arrgh!"

SpongeBob:
Okie... oops. [laughs while a jellyfish flies by him] I mean... [standing up] arrgh! Captain Krabs. [his eyes widen and sees a rock nearby] Captain, we're about to hit... uhh... I mean... ARRGH, Capt., ARRGH, we're, ARRGH, about, ARRGH, to hit, ARRGH...

Mr. Krabs:
Out with it man, ARRGH!

Patrick:
I, ARRGH, think, ARRGH, he's trying, ARRGH, to say... [crash] "land".

Mr. Krabs:
Arrgh!! From now on, only the captain says, "Arrgh!". Status report, Mr. SquarePants?

SpongeBob:
The whole ship is underwater, captain.

Mr. Krabs:
Arrgh. We're marooned then. Our treasure hunt will have to continue on foot.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are stranded in Rock Bottom]

SpongeBob:
It sure is weird around here. Kind of different. Even the soil looks different. [scoops up a handful of soil]

Soil:
Would you [blows raspberry] mind [blows raspberry] putting me down? [SpongeBob shakes him off as he gasps]

Patrick:
SpongeBob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home. Look, I can't even tell the bathrooms apart! [bathroom doors have the "?" on one door and the "¿" on the other]

SpongeBob:
Uhh, that's an easy one, Patrick. We just wait for somebody to come out and then you'll know. [Incidental 200 comes out the "¿" door. Patrick gasps] Maybe we should wait for one more. [Incidental 214 comes out of the "?" door. Incidentals 222, 204, and 201 come out the "¿" door]

Patrick:
I still can't read the sign! I wanna go home!

SpongeBob:
I'm gettin' hungry. Glove candy dispenser. Good thing I went to Glove World. [squeezes out tiny glove candies onto his tongue, then spits them out] Ew, glove flavored.

[After Sandy sings a song about returning to her home, Texas]

Patrick:
Do you think she knows the Muffin Man song?

SpongeBob:
Patrick, she sang that song from her heart. She really misses Texas.

Patrick:
Well, let's get some Texas and bring it down here.

SpongeBob:
Patrick, we can't... [comes with an idea] That's it. Patrick, your genius is showing.

Patrick:
[frantically covers himself] Where?!

Patrick:
What’s so great about dumb ol' Texas? [the bus suddenly speeds back; the doors open revealing Sandy with an angry look on her face]

Sandy:
What did you say?!

Patrick:
Texas is dumb?

Sandy:
[the bus drives off again] Don't you dare take the name of Texas in vain!

SpongeBob:
You mean we can't say anything bad about dumb ol' Texas?

Sandy:
No, you can't!

Patrick:
Oh, then can we say people from Texas are dumb?

Sandy:
No! You can't say NOTHIN' ABOUT TEXAS!

SpongeBob:
[gets an idea] Ohhh, so we shouldn’t say anything bad about [turns and shakes his rear end] TeEeXxaAAaAsss.

Sandy:
[blushes angrily] I'm warnin' you, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
Look, Patrick, I'm Texas! Duh, howdy, y'all! Howdy y'all!

Patrick:
I'm Texas, too. Git a dog, little longie! Git a dog!

SpongeBob:
Howdy y'all!

Patrick:
Git a dog, little longie! Git a dog!

Sandy:
Y'all best cut it out!

SpongeBob:
[while Patrick does armpit farts] The stars at night are dull and dim, whenever they have to be over dumb ol' stupid Texas! [Sandy gets steaming mad. SpongeBob turns into the shape of Texas] Hey, Patrick, what am I now?

Patrick:
Uhh, stupid?

SpongeBob:
No, I'm Texas!

Patrick:
What's the difference?! [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh]

Sandy:
[drops suitcases] Y'all best apologize, or I'm gonna be on you like ugly on an ape!

SpongeBob:
You'll have to catch us first! [he and Patrick run off] We did it. We got her.

Patrick:
Krusty Krab, here we come! [turns head around to Sandy] Can we say that plants from Texas are dumb? Can we say that shoes from Texas are dumb?

SpongeBob:
Ok, Patrick, that's enough.

Patrick:
Why? Do you think that old slowpoke Texas is gonna— [...catch up, which she is. And fast. Patrick's eyes bug out and he screams]

SpongeBob:
Run faster, Patrick! [both of them scream; they go around each side of a huge rock. Sandy crashes right through the rock, obliterating it, and walks while twirling a lasso. Her shoe engulfs the screen, Sandy lassoes Patrick and brings him into the background]

Patrick:
[screams] SpongeBob! [Nuclear explosion is heard and a mushroom cloud appears. SpongeBob screams. SpongeBob stops in front of a leaf and shakes as Sandy karate chops the leaf and SpongeBob in half]

Sandy:
Hi-yah! [SpongeBob jumps with his halves and he gets back together] Y'all gonna take back what ya said!

SpongeBob:
No! Almost there! [runs toward the Krusty Krab. Sandy's lasso turns into the shape of SpongeBob; SpongeBob screams. As he jumps for the Krusty Krab, Sandy throws her lasso. SpongeBob hangs onto the door as Sandy pulls him towards her]

Sandy:
SpongeBob! You've been messin’ with the bull! Now here come the horns!

SpongeBob:
[grunts] Sandy! No! [the front of the Krusty Krab tears off as Sandy has pulled tight enough]

Everyone:
Howdy, y'all!

Sandy:
Wha-what's this?

SpongeBob:
It's a party!

Patrick:
[hops over to the Krusty Krab, hogtied and covered in bandages] For you!

Sandy:
For me?!

SpongeBob:
It's your own little slice of Texas! Check it out, Sandy! We got square dancing... [Flats is holding a square] ...giant Barbecues... [Squidward is holding a sharp, spiky Q]

Squidward:
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

SpongeBob:
...homemade peas-in-a-can pie... [Pearl is holding a pie with a can of peas in it] ...and we got our very own 10 gallon hats! [SpongeBob and Patrick put ten gallon water jugs on their heads] So, what do ya think? Are you gonna stay?

[Sandy starts to laugh and tears of laughter spew out and fill her helmet. Everyone frowns as they mistake Sandy's laughing for crying]

SpongeBob:
Don't cry anymore, Sandy, I'll go get your bags.

Sandy:
[takes out the flusher handle, attaches it to her helmet and flushes the water out again] I'm not cryin', I'm laughin'! I appreciate what y'all are tryin' to do, SpongeBob, but home isn't about barbecues or pecan pies, home is where you're surrounded by critters that care about ya. [Everyone gathers around Sandy]

Sandy:
Huh? Duh. What am I doin'? I was home all along, and it took me until now to realize it.

SpongeBob:
Does that mean you'll stay?

Sandy:
I'm stayin'! [everyone cheers, except Squidward]

SpongeBob:
That makes me feel all wiggly.

Patrick:
Yeah, who needs dumb ol' Texas? [cheering stops; cut back to the Bikini Atoll]

Sandy:
What did you just say?!

Patrick:
Should I start running now?

[SpongeBob sees Plankton sitting on a bench with two ice cream cones, crying]

SpongeBob:
Plankton, what are you doing here...and why are you crying?

Plankton:
[tearfully] Oh, hi, SpongeBob. [blows his nose on a tiny handkerchief] I'm crying because I've got these two ice cream cones, but I only need one! [sobbing] I don't know what to do with the other one!

[After SpongeBob finds out that Plankton used him for his plan]

SpongeBob:
[gasps] "Mega Bucket"?! You used me...for land development! That wasn't nice!

Plankton:
Haven't you figured it out, SpongeBob? Nice guys finish last. Only aggressive people conquer the world! [laughs evilly]

SpongeBob:
Well, what about aggressively nice people?

Plankton:
Huh? What are you doing? [SpongeBob brings out the hot dogs in the hot dog stand, he ate earlier and puts them back where they belong. Then he puts the kites back where they were] Wait, SpongeBob! Stop! [a girl is crying because she has sand on her ice cream. SpongeBob takes it and wipes the sand off with his eyelashes] Butterfly kisses... Can't take it... It's too cute... It's-it's disgusting! [Scooter is crying at his broken surfboard]

SpongeBob:
What happened? [points to surfboard]

Scooter:
I hit a reef with my new board, dude!

SpongeBob:
No problem! [shapeshifts into a surfboard]

Scooter:
Whoa! [grabs the surfboard] Killer!

Plankton:
SpongeBob, stop! Before it's too late! Your kindness is bringing everybody back! [everyone comes back] Get back! Wait! [everyone, on their way back to the beach breaks through the construction barriers, trample and squish Plankton underfoot] Ouch! Ow! Ow! No! Ooh!

Scooter:
[is surfing with SpongeBob] Cowabunga! [he and SpongeBob arrive back to shore] Thanks, dude! That was awesome! [just then, Plankton begins straining and weeping]

SpongeBob:
Gee, Plankton, I'm sorry about the Chum Bucket.

Plankton:
Forget about that. I just can't take so much kindness in one sitting. [bunches up into a ball] NEED... HATRED... [crawls away]

SpongeBob:
Volleyball, anyone? [everyone uses SpongeBob as the ball] Serve up! [laughs] Ouch! [laughs] Ouch! [laughs] Ouch!

Tom:
Excuse me, can I get a couple of ice cubes in here, please?

SpongeBob:
Sure! A couple of ice cubes coming up! [walks off and then returns with the drink] Here you go!

Tom:
Thanks. [drinks his lemonade]

[SpongeBob giggles with every sip, and Tom finishes his drink]

SpongeBob:
[laughing] April Fools!

Tom:
What did you do to my drink?!

SpongeBob:
I-er, I-er...

Tom:
You what?!?!

SpongeBob:
You asked for a couple of ice cubes in your drink, and I only put in one! [laughs]

Tom:
Hey, I guess that is kinda funny.

[The bubbles transition to Squidward squirting some mustard inside a rope circle then he chuckles and shows SpongeBob the mess]

SpongeBob:
Oh, boy! Something for me to clean up. [starts cleaning it and Squidward is standing next to a rope which he is about to cut]

Squidward:
April Fools! [laughs as he cuts the rope which grabs SpongeBob]

SpongeBob:
Whooaahh! [the rope sends him into some bags of flour. Squidward is laughing through all of this and rolls on the floor. Then SpongeBob is taken around a bar] Whoa! Blblblblblblbl... [screams as he is sent slamming face-first into the wall]

Customers:
Oh, no!

[Squidward's eyes pop out as he laughs hysterically. SpongeBob screams and flies into Bubble Bass' rear]

SpongeBob:
Whoooaa! [cut to Squidward cheerleading, laughing, and jumping into the air. Then SpongeBob smashes into the ceiling]

Squidward:
[runs and holds out his arms to catch SpongeBob] I'll catch you, SpongeBob. [he giggles to himself. SpongeBob screams as he plummets toward Squidward, who quickly sets out a garbage can in front of him, and SpongeBob falls into the goop in the can] Oops. [dumps SpongeBob, who is now the shape of the can, out of the garbage can] April Fools, you little sausage! [he laughs]

SpongeBob:
Awww!

[SpongeBob starts to cry and runs out of the Krusty Krab]

Squidward:
SpongeBob, I was just kidding. C'mon, c'mon. You guys know I was just kidding... Right?

Incidental 37B:
Aww, man, poor kid.

Incidental 45:
That guy has definitely got some issues to work out. [the customers angrily glare at Squidward as they begin to leave]

Incidental 71:
April Fools... jerk. [all the customers storm out the door in disgust as Squidward starts to look upset by their reaction]

Squidward:
Wait, don't go.

Man:
Hey, YOU STINK!

Squidward:
Wait, wait, wait, it was a joke! Uh-huh... [looks around at the mess he has made and winces, then he looks at Bubble Bass, who has a hole in his bottom due to the "prank" and Squidward starts to feel ashamed of himself] Why is it whenever I'm having fun, it's wrong? I didn't mean to make him cry. I guess this means I'd better tell SpongeBob I'm sor-eaach. [makes silly face] Huh? I guess this means I'd better apolo- [throat goes haywire] gii! This is gonna be tougher than I thought.

[Last lines]

Neptune:
This accursed stove has burnt my finger. Feel my wrath, stove! [uses his powers to zap the stove]

SpongeBob:
What did I tell you about using your powers, 'trainee'?

Neptune:
Perfect patties are made with love, not magic.

Mr. Krabs:
The hooks, me bucko! They're back! Beware the hooks!

SpongeBob:
The hooks?

Mr. Krabs:
Aye, the hooks! They dangle down and draw you close with their pleasing shapes and beguiling colors, and just when you think you've found the land of milk and honey, they grab ya by the britches, and haul you way up high, and higher, and higher, and higher, until you're hauled up to the surface, flopping and gasping for breath! And then they cook ya, and then they eat ya...or worse!

SpongeBob:
[terrified] What could be worse than that?!

Mr. Krabs:
Gift shops.

Mr. Krabs:
What did I tell ya about those hooks, boy?!

SpongeBob:
I-I-I...

Patrick:
I'll tell ya about the hooks. You ride 'em up, and up, and up, then you gently float down.

Mr. Krabs:
And do ya know what happens when ya don't float back down?

SpongeBob:
Gift shop?

Mr. Krabs:
Worse! Ya end up vacuum-packed, in a can of tuna! With nothin' to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise!

Mr Krabs:
I need a sailor's promise! Repeat after me: Yoho! Yoho! Near the hooks, I'll never go!

SpongeBob & Patrick:
Yoho! Yoho! Near the hooks, we'll never go.

[A hook comes down and pokes Mr. Krabs in the butt]

Mr. Krabs:
YOOOWIE! Mother of Pearl! Fire on the poop deck! [rubs his butt]

SpongeBob & Patrick:
Ahh! Mother of Pearl! Fire on the poop deck! [rub their butts]

Patrick:
Hey SpongeBob, you're goin' the wrong way!

SpongeBob:
I always go to work this way.

Patrick:
You're not going to work today, we're gonna go play Hooky!

SpongeBob:
But, Patrick, we promised.

Patrick:
Well, I had my fingers crossed.

SpongeBob:
You don't have any fingers, Patrick.

Patrick:
Well, that Mr. Krabs is just a big dummy! We played on those hooks all day long, and nothin' happened to us!

SpongeBob:
But Mr. Krabs said --

Patrick:
Look, SpongeBob. Are you gonna listen to a big dummy, or are you gonna listen to me?

SpongeBob:
Uuuuuummmmmm...

Barnacle Boy:
[takes away the conch signal from SpongeBob] Alright, that's it! Gimme that! You're running us ragged.

Mermaid Man:
[while crawling on the walkway of SpongeBob's house.] Must... must answer clarion call! [collapses]

Barnacle Boy:
We're exhausted!

SpongeBob:
[while tearing up] I'm sorry, Barnacle Boy. I didn't mean it. I... just wanted to spend time with you. You're my heroes! [starts crying.]

Barnacle Boy:
[while SpongeBob is crying] It's too late for that, Mr. Contest Winner. I'm gonna destroy this thing with my... [echoing] sulfur vision! [he tries to use his sulfur vision to destroy the conch but is unsuccessful. He tries again, but he still doesn't succeed] Well, I'll destroy it when I get back to the [puts the conch in his pocket], uh, Mermalair. Uh, and as for you...

Mermaid Man:
Barnacle Boy, [as he gets up] don't squash his enthusiasm. After all, he could be the hero of tomorrow, or the villain. Besides, I remember another [he takes out a picture] young [the image shows Barnacle Boy as a kid holding a lollipop] whipper-snapper, who wanted to be a super-hero. [chuckles]

Barnacle Boy:
You don't even remember breakfast, you old coot.

Mermaid Man:
[walks up to SpongeBob, still crying] Maybe the conch signal is too much responsibility. [SpongeBob stops crying] But how would you like to spend the rest of the afternoon on patrol?

Barnacle Boy:
What?

Mermaid Man:
[while he and SpongeBob are running to the Invisible Boatmobile] To the Invisible Boatmobile! [Barnacle Boy becomes angry]