SpongeBob SquarePants, Season Two

SpongeBob:
TADA! A perfect Patty.

Squidward:
Alright SpongeBob, hand it over. [waits] Well?

SpongeBob:
[hesitates] Hey Squidward! I've got an idea! How about you come get it?

Squidward:
[sarcastically] Oh gee, SpongeBob, now that's a great idea! And maybe I should cook the Patties, and do the dishes, and wear square pants, and live in a pineapple, while YOU wait in the unemployment line!

SpongeBob:
No!

Squidward:
Then bring the Patty here NOW!

Squidward:
I think my heart just stopped.

Squidward:
It's Sponge-- [burps loudly] --Bob's fault! SpongeBob's fault!

Patrick:
[SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab] SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting?

Spongebob:
Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest

SpongeBob:
[hysterically] DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO TIE A KNOT?!

SpongeBob:
[stuck to Painty the Pirate] Could you show me how to tie my shoes?

Painty:
Aargh! I be just a paintin' of a head.

Mr. Krabs:
I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy.

Mr. Krabs:
Get away barbarian, look what you've done! Nice, clean money, SOILED!

Patrick:
SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Go. Run away like all the others. No one would want a friend as ugly as I am. [slams his hands onto his organ]

Patrick:
Sure they would! It makes them feel better about the way they look!

Patrick:
Maybe a story will cheer you up. [picks up SpongeBob and seats him] It's called "The Ugly Barnacle." Once there was an ugly Barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died! The end.

SpongeBob:
[sadly] That didn't help at all. How long... How long have I been ugly Patrick?

Patrick:
As long as I can remember. You poor ugly thing, you.

Spongebob:
HELP ME! I'm so ashamed! I'm spiraling! I'M SPIRALING! [Patrick slaps him] Thanks, Patrick... [Patrick raises his hand to hit him again] Ah, i-i-it's okay, Patrick! Spiraling, over....[pushes Patrick's arm down]

Patrick:
Just Do when I have problems...SCREEEEEAM!!!!!!!!!!!

SpongeBob:
I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud!

Squidward:
Is that what he calls it?

Patrick:
What is wrong with you people?! Afraid to look ugliness in the face?! [picks up SpongeBob and starts waving him around] Well, HERE! LOOK AT IT! IT'S UGLY, ISN'T IT?! [waves SpongeBob at one group of people] YOU LOOK AT IT!

SpongeBob:
Hello.

[Group runs off after smelling his breath]

Patrick:
[waves SpongeBob at another group] YOU LOOK AT IT!

SpongeBob:
Hi.

[Second group follows suit]

Patrick:
[waves him at the entire audience] LOOK AT IT!

[Audience runs off]

Patrick:
LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!!

SpongeBob:
Just remember what we talked about. There's power in pride.

Patrick:
[with foul breath pouring out of his mouth] That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! I'm almost as ugly as you! I always thought, "If I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I would do."

SpongeBob:
Patrick?

Patrick:
What's my mom gonna say?! My sister-- Wait. I don't have a sister. The bank-- Oh, it's one thing if you have bad shoes or even bad hair, but--

SpongeBob:
PATRICK!! You're not ugly, your breath stinks, really bad.

[SpongeBob is trying to think of what toppings to use for his sundae. He studies what he has in the cupboard]

SpongeBob:
Bananas. Cherries. Boring. Ah, here we go! Onions! Ready, Gary?

[We see Gary with a violin]

Gary:
Meow.

[Sad violin music begibns to play, and SpongeBob bursts into tears as he cuts up the onions]

SpongeBob:
[Leans over towards a fish in the audience] Excuse me, sir. I hope my horrible ugliness won't be a distraction to you.

Fish:
Not at all, boy. [He catches a whiff of Spongebob's breath and shrieks in disgust] DEUUEAUGH!

[SpongeBob is appalled at how putrid Patrick's breath is]

SpongeBob:
Oh, barnacles! Patrick, what did you eat?!

Patrick:
Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza--

SpongeBob:
[holding his nose] No, I mean just this morning.

Patrick:
Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza--

Patrick:
Okay say it. [SpongeBob hesitates] Say it.

SpongeBob:
I can't.

Patrick:
Spongebob you're never gonna feel better 'till you get this thing off your chest.

[Shows alien-ish, purple thing on SpongeBob's chest]

SpongeBob:
I know, Patrick. [removes the thing]

Patrick:
Once, there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end!

SpongeBob:
That didn't help at all!

Squidward:
[deadpan] Rage. Fury. Irritation. Humiliation.

Pearl:
Squidward is such a barnacle.

SpongeBob:
A stick in the sand.

[Pearl gives SpongeBob his new uniform, a bright pink body suit covered with bright purple flowers]

Pearl:
Oh, SpongeBob, you look so adorable! I could just eat you up!

SpongeBob:
Sorry, Pearl, this item's not on the menu!

SpongeBob:
The customers may be hot, but my grill is hotter.

[SpongeBob finds, to his horror, that his grill is gone]

SpongeBob:
Where's the grill?!

Pearl:
Come on, SpongeBob, you're a hip guy. You know fried foods are O-U-T, out.

SpongeBob:
[weakly] Er...right on.

[Pearl gives SpongeBob the new Kuddly Krab menu]

SpongeBob:
[reading the menu] "Salad and tea." But where are the Krabby Patties?

Pearl:
Oh silly, those aren't hip.

SpongeBob:
Hey Mr. Krabs, I did it! [finds that Krabs has fainted] AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! [breaks open a glass case containing a dollar bill and waves it under Krabs' nose]

Mr. Krabs:
[weakly] Oh, Pearly... [sniffs] Is that a $20? [grabs dollar]

Woman:
It's a shame old man Krabs sold the Krusty Krab.

Man:
That's a darn shame. Hey, lady! Do you know where we can get a joint to eat around here?

Squidward:
That's it! I quit! [he rips off his uniform, revealing nothing under it. A police whistle is blown and a cop comes over. He writes him a ticket and places it on his crotch]

[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]

SpongeBob:
[reading award caption] For outstanding achievement in achievement - SpongeBob SquarePants?

Patrick:
"SpongeBob SquarePants"? That's a funny way to spell my name.

SpongeBob:
Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.

Patrick:
[sadly] But, it's shiny! [starts to tear up]

SpongeBob:
Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny?

Patrick:
Ice cream!

SpongeBob:
Exactly!

Patrick:
I can find it! Is it in here?

SpongeBob:
No, don't! That's my… [Patrick opens door, causing all the trophies inside to collapse] ...award closet.

SpongeBob:
It look's a little dusty around table 3, how about if you sweep it up?

Patrick:
What's the point? I can't do anything right.

SpongeBob:
You'll do fine.

[Loud noise comes from the mop, Patrick is scraping the wrong end of the mop on the floor]

Phil:
[walks up to Patrick] Hey Pal, you just blow in from Stupid Town?

SpongeBob:
First, you need a jar.

[Patrick holds up a pickle]

SpongeBob:
Patrick, that's a pickle.

Patrick:
Yes.

[Phone rings and Patrick answers it]

Male fish:
Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick:
No, this is Patrick.

[he hangs up and whistles; phone rings again]

Female fish:
Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick:
[annoyed] No. This is Patrick.

[he hangs up and continues whistling; phone rings again]

Another male fish:
Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick:
[furiously] NO!! THIS IS PATRICK!! [hangs up; sulks] I'm not a Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob:
Uh... Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.

Patrick:
Huh? [facepalms] Oh, fish paste!

[SpongeBob is instructing Patrick on how to remove a jar lid]

[Patrick flails his arm grabbing things randomly, to which SpongeBob responds by repeating, "The lid!"]

SpongeBob:
Freeze!

[Patrick holding on to the jar panting]

SpongeBob:
Almost there... Now head for the lid.

[Patrick, sweating excessively, moves his hand down]

SpongeBob:
Cold... [Patrick moves his hand up] Warmer, warmer, warmer!

[Patrick puts his hand on the lid]

SpongeBob:
You're hot! You're on FIRE!

Patrick:
Aaaah! It burns!

SpongeBob & Patrick:
Ha! Darn! Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as...PICKLED FISH LIPS!! (both cover their mouth) Sea weevel. Gorgy smorgy.

SpongeBob:
At least I'm safe inside my mind.

Patrick:
At least I'm safe inside my mind. (Both scream in each other’s faces)

Squidward:
[to SpongeBob] How am I supposed to enjoy your day off if you come to work anyway?!

Squidward:
Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four sqirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes carnival style! And if there is anything else I can do, please hesitate to ask!

SpongeBob:
Bubble Buddy, you go dig him up while I get us some ice cream.

Scooter:
[buried up to his head in sand; to Bubble Buddy] Don't just stand there, dude! The tide's coming in! [laughs] ...Dude?

SpongeBob:
[to Squidward] Bubble Buddy says this drink tastes funny. What do you think?

Squidward:
[annoyed] Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
[after pre-chewing a Krabby Patty for an old lady] Think of the customer!

Squidward:
[trying out drink] Oh, silly me. I got the Diet Shampoo.

SpongeBob:
Oh, no, Squidward! Wait! There's cheese on these patties!

Squidward:
And?

SpongeBob:
Bubble Buddy's lactose intolerant. He can't eat cheese! What should we do?

Squidward:
[angry] We?! How about you take these patties and--

Mr. Krabs:
[offscreen] Mr. Squidward!

SpongeBob:
[points to Port-a-Potty] It's his first time on his own.

Harold:
Once again, congratulations.

Fish:
He kept us waiting for a bubble?!

Larry the Lobster:
That's nothing! He called us fat! [he and other fish rushingly eat celery stalks]

Pearl:
[crying] He washed my flipper!

Mr. Krabs:
He owes me money!

Squidward:
He made me provide excellent service!

Scooter:
[as an angel] Dudes, he made me experience high tide! [flies up into heaven] Haaaaaaaaaaaw!

SpongeBob:
First I need to find a friend! (holds up as stick) Stick buddy! No. (stands next to a pile of rocks) No. (stands next to a sink) Sink buddy! Almost...

Tom:
He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto our houses!

Protesters:
He did?

Tom:
No, but are we just going to wait around until he does?!

Mr. Krabs:
So, are you ready?

Squidward:
To go home?

Mr. Krabs:
No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day!

Squidward:
Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards that guy! [points to SpongeBob]

Mr. Krabs:
You had to kill him. The boy cries you a sweater of tears...and you kill him.

Squidward:
Well, we'd better get started on this list before you die...of anticipation.

SpongeBob:
You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay.

Squidward:
Now, may I resume my minimum-wage duties?

Mr. Krabs:
After you present your Brotherhood Gift.

Squidward:
I'll buy the little twerp a gumball.

[Squidward presents a pie he's just purchased from a gang of pirates to Mr. Krabs]

Squidward:
Here it is, Mr. Krabs, fresh from the oven. I'll be returning to my life now.

Mr. Krabs:
Not yet! I gotta make sure you did it right. [takes a tiny piece of the pie and starts to eat it, then stops himself] Wait a second! This would go great with some milk!

[Mr. Krabs starts to get himself a carton of milk, but then he stumbles and drops the tiny crumb of pie, which causes a powerful explosion that blasts a large hole through the wall of Mr. Krabs' office]

[Squidward has explained everything about the pie he's just bought to Mr. Krabs]

Squidward:
And that's what happened!

Mr. Krabs:
Twenty-five dollars?! A bomb?!

Squidward & Mr. Krabs:
IN THE KRUSTY KRAB?!

Squidward:
I'm going to make SpongeBob's final hours the best he's ever had! And this time, there's gonna be love! So much, he's gonna drown in it! Drown in it!

[Once Squidward has left the room, Mr. Krabs takes out a pencil and a clipboard and jots down a note]

Mr. Krabs:
Note to self: Watch out for Squidward.

[Squidward and SpongeBob leave the Krusty Krab together to complete SpongeBob's Friendship List]

SpongeBob:
Bye, Mr. Krabs!

[Mr. Krabs bursts into tears as he watches SpongeBob leave, and he puts up a "Help Wanted" sign and walks away, still sobbing]

SpongeBob:
[in a low voice] Heads up, Squidward. Looks like they're gonna replace you.

Spongebob:
Yep, this is great just the three of us. You, me and this brick wall you built between us.

[Squidward sees that SpongeBob is still around, even though SpongeBob's supposed to have blown up by now]

Squidward:
Why are you still here?

SpongeBob:
Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. [reveals a large, thick book to Squidward] We should be able to finish by January...

Squidward:
[knocking the book out of SpongeBob's hands] FORGET THE BOOK! I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things, because YOU were supposed to EXPLODE!

SpongeBob:
You want me to explode?

Squidward:
YES! That's what I've been waiting for!

SpongeBob:
[hesitantly] Well...okay, I'll try. [pretends to "explode"] GARY!! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!! [laughs] Now it's your turn.

Squidward:
[in SpongeBob's face] THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!!

SpongeBob:
Ooh, good one!

Squidward:
NO! You're supposed to explode, into a million pieces!

SpongeBob:
Why would I do that?

Squidward:
Because the pie you ate was a bomb!

SpongeBob:
What pie?

Squidward:
The one I left sitting on the counter this morning, that I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it! [points to SpongeBob's stomach] THAT PIE!

SpongeBob:
[thinking] Pie...pie... Oh, you mean this pie! [holds the pie up] I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share. Let's eat! Oops!

[SpongeBob starts to move forward, but then trips on a rock. The pie flies into Squidward's face, and the pie goes off with the force of an atomic bomb]

Squidward:
Ouch...

PLANKTON:
( disguised as Robot Mr. Krabs ) Don't listen to him. He's obviously a robot.

PLANKTON:
Coin-operated self-destruct, not one of my better ideas.

PLANKTON:
Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember-- Ravioli ravioli, give me the formuoli.

SPONGEBOB:
I thought you wanted to ask me a question.

MR. KRABS:
Yes...( angrily) Why aren't you working harder?

SPONGEBOB:
( blankly ) I don't know, Mr. Krabs. I don't know...

PLANKTON:
I'll never get that formula with that pest Krabs popping in and out like that. I've got it! I've been saving this for a rainy day. It looks like an ordinary penny...because it is an ordinary penny!

SPONGEBOB:
Sorry, Mr. Krabs... I thought you were a phony.

MR. KRABS:
It's alright, as long as the formula's safe. However, that penny's coming out of your paycheck!( they laugh )

SPONGEBOB:
...Really?

SpongeBob:
[quickly] The Krabby Patty formula is the sole property of the Krusty Krab and may only be discussed in part or in whole with it's creator Mr. Krabs. Duplication of this formula is punishable by law. Restrictions apply, results may vary.

PLANKTON:
[sees Mr. Krabs go after the penny that is heading into town] Nothing stops me from getting that secret formula now! [He cuts the Krust Krab sign with the claw of the robot Mr. Krabs and runs in circles laughing, the sign falls and lands on Plankton (who is in the Mr. Krabs robot) OUCH!!

SQUIDWARD:
I thought the most important rule was "Why do today what you can put off 'til Tomorrow."

MR. KRABS:
What is today, but Yesterday's Tomorrow.

Squidward:
Well, if moron theater is over, why don't we just have a look at this monster?

Squidward:
"That's it. I'm getting off the loony express."

Patrick:
Pet-sitting? Won't that hurt them?

[Patrick communicates musically with Sandy's pet bird]

SpongeBob:
Gee, Patrick, I didn't know you spoke bird.

Patrick:
No, that's Italian, SpongeBob.

[After spending a perfect day with "Wormy"]

Patrick:
Gee, SpongeBob, I don't want today to end, ever.

SpongeBob:
I know, Patrick. Days like today come around once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

[When SpongeBob hints that the "monster" must have eaten Wormy]

Patrick:
WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!

SpongeBob:
Hey, Patrick, are you angry too?

Patrick:
Yeah!

SpongeBob:
What's the matter?

Patrick:
I can't see my forehead!

Patrick:
SpongeBob, sometimes we have to look deep inside ourselves to find the answers to our problems.

SpongeBob:
I'm scared.

Patrick:
Then I'm goin' in for ya! [climbs in SpongeBob's head; SpongeBob's face swells up] Sorry! Stupid inflatable pants!

Mr. Krabs:
[about missing the Krusty Krab] I bet you miss Squidward, and the grill, and the crow's nest.

SpongeBob:
Yeah, yeah! And you know what I miss the most, Mr. Krabs? That tiny squeaky sound you get when you rub two pickles together. Do you know what I mean Mr. Krabs?

Scooter:
Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple!

Scottish Fish:
Look what I got under me kilt! [shows up a plaid pattern on his body]

Fish #15, Fish #16, Fish#17:
And look at our tongues! [they reveal their tongues, which have various designs on them. Fish #17's tongue appears normal]

Mr. Krabs:
What's wrong with you?

[Fish #17 pulls a nearby light switch, showing that his tongue is glowing in the dark]

Fish #17:
We want our money back. All 46,853 of us. [turns lights back on, but Mr. Krabs is not there]

Fish #18:
Hey! Where'd he go?

[There shows Mr. Krabs running, screaming, followed by the angry mob, leaving a rainbow behind them]

Mr. Krabs:
[hurls his face into the Krusty Krab door] Me key! Where's me key? SpongeBob! SpongeBob, let me in!

[While Mr. Krabs is shouting for SpongeBob, he is too busy rubbing two pickles together]

Patrick:
Being grown up is boring. I love being a baby. Besides, I don't get jazz.

Grandma:
You don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love.

SpongeBob:
I don't?

Grandma:
Of course not. No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo. And remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult.

SpongeBob:
What wonders await me today? Fresh baked cookies? Storytime? A sweater with love in every stitch? Aw, what am I waiting for?! [runs eagerly to his grandmother's house] Grandma! Grandma! Grandma!

[Grandma steps out of her house and welcomes her grandson with open arms]

Grandma:
SpongeBob!

[SpongeBob throws himself into her arms and they share a long hug]

SpongeBob:
Hi, Grandma!

SpongeBob:
Grandma, you make the best cookies in the deep blue sea.

[Grandma is busy baking cookies]

Grandma:
Now, who wants to lick the spoon?

SpongeBob:
[raising his hand] Me! Me!

[Grandma is telling SpongeBob a story while he licks the spoon]

Grandma:
...and then we drove all the way home with all the windows rolled down.

SpongeBob:
[sweetly] Tell me another story about when I was a baby!

[Squidward answers his telephone]

Squidward:
304 New Life Street. Squidward speaking.

[SpongeBob is heard speaking, but all that is heard is gibberish]

Squidward:
There is no way I am moving back there, SpongeBob! I am finally among my own kind.

[More phone gibberish]

Squidward:
Now goodbye!

[He slams down the reciever. SpongeBob is shown with Patrick. Patrick speaks gibberish, to which SpongeBob responds with more of it]

Squidward:
SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... [A piece of debris from his house falls on his head] I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than go on living where I do now.

[A TV falls on the ground]

Announcer:
Hi, there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest three-way...

Squidward:
Four-way!

Announcer:
...four-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to...

Patrick:
[changes the channel] I hate this channel.

Squidward:
No, NO! [changes it back]

Announcer:
...Tentacle Acres! Where happiness is just a suction cup away!

SpongeBob:
[hugging a squid that looks like Squidward from the back] Squidward, we finally found you.

Squid:
Get off me! I'm not Squidward!

[There is a brief pause]

Patrick:
Are you Squidward now?

[SpongeBob and Patrick approach Tentacle Acres]

SpongeBob:
Here it is, Patrick. Now we just gotta convince Squidward to come back home. You got our apology cake?

[Patrick holds up a large cake with the word "Sorry" written on it in icing. He keeps the cake safe in his pants]

SpongeBob:
We're ready!

Patrick:
Ying!

Voice of Security Guard:
Hello, can I help you?

Patrick:
Can I get a large number one, extra-sized?

SpongeBob:
But you just ate three orders of fried oyster skins.

Patrick:
[with foul breath] I love fried oyster skins.

Security Guard:
We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. [turns to his partner] He's not leaving, Orville. You got your nightstick ready?

[Patrick's putrid breath wafts under their noses]

Security Guard:
Fried oyster skins?!

[Both keel over in a dead faint. One security guard hits his head on the button that opens the front gate, allowing SpongeBob and Patrick to enter the city]

Patrick:
Guess we have to order inside.

Squidward:
Stand back, I've got gardening tools!

Patrick:
[to a random squid] Are you Squidward?

SpongeBob:
[to a random squid] Are you Squidward?

Patrick:
[to a fire hydrant] Are you Squidward? ... That's okay, take your time.

SpongeBob:
Any one of these Squidwards could be the real Squidward!

[They see Squidward flying out of Tentacle Acres using a reefblower as a jetpack]

SpongeBob:
Well, we know one thing...it sure isn't that guy!

Squidward:
This city needs to be destroyed! ... Or at least painted a different color.

Sandy:
I'm hotter than a hickory smoked sausage!

Sandy:
Any questions?

Muscular Fish:
Gold team rules!

Sandy:
Status report!

Fish:
He's not in the sea urchin cove....

Sandy:
Well look again!

Fish 2:
He's not at the leech farm....

Sandy:
Well look again!

Squidward:
He's not in my thoughts

Sandy:
Well think again!!!

Squidward:
How about a break? We've been at it for days!

Fish:
Think about the children!

Sandy:
That's a good idea! Use the children to get to places you couldn't normally reach!

Fish:
Oh wait, uh, here he is! [picks up random fish]

Sandy:
That ain't spongebob. Spongebob is square?

Fish:
[squeezes random fish into a square]

Random fish:
I'm ready, I'm ready

Sandy:
No you ain't

Random fish:
[holding a cereal box] I found Squarebob!

Sandy:
That's just a cereal box! Besides, he's yellow!

Random fish:
[holding a banana] Uh, here he is! Can I go home now?

SpongeBob:
[when Sandy says they're going to bike through the park] Gee! That sounds safe! I mean fun.

[Everyone in Bikini Bottom is hiding under Patrick's house after Sandy goes on a rampage]

Patrick:
[looks at all the eyes sticking out from under his rock] WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

'"Sandy"':
Spongebob's tie? And all his other little dressin's? But...Spongebob always folds his clothes before running around...IN THE NUDE! Something terrible must have happened to him!

Fish:
That squirrel's gone crazy!

Girl Fish:
But she'll never look under a rock.

SpongeBob:
[laughs] You said it! Sandy'll never find us!

SpongeBob:
We've got to move fast and cover our tracks!

[Patrick holds a painbrush covered in red paint on the ground behind him as he runs, to paint over their footprints]

Patrick:
I'm on it, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
We can never go home, Pat; We're wanted men. We'll spend the rest of our lives running...running, but at least it's warmer on the fire.

Patrick:
Hey, if we're underwater, how could there be a...

[The fire dissolves]

Patrick:
I'm scared, SpongeBob.

[SpongeBob holds up two candy bars]

SpongeBob:
Look what I've got!

Patrick:
Rectangles!

SpongeBob:
Not just rectangles. Candy bars! [gives Patrick a candy bar] All we have to do is make them last the rest of our lives.

Patrick:
Thanks, SpongeBob. I think I'll eat it now! [Patrick eats it in one bite and pauses for a few seconds] I think I'll eat it now! [goes to eat a non-existent chocolate bar and bites his hand instead] Ow! Wha...? [sees his hand has nothing in it] Where did my candy bar go? I must have dropped it!

SpongeBob:
You just ate it, Patrick. It's all over your face.

Patrick:
Where did it go? [grunting] I can't find it! Where could it possibly be? [looks up, sees SpongeBob holding a candy bar] Aha!

SpongeBob:
What?

Patrick:
You stole my candy bar!

Patrick:
Liar liar, plants for hire!

SpongeBob:
It's "pants on fire," Patrick.

Patrick:
Well, you would know...liar!

SpongeBob:
Did I Patrick? Did I? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me to steal it?

Police:
If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. [locks SpongeBob and Patrick in jail cell and opens it again after a second] Okay, time's up. Now get out!

SpongeBob:
But...we stole a balloon!

Police:
Yeah, on free balloon day!

Squidward:
I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.

Patrick:
Like a genie.

SpongeBob:
[trying to get Squidward to join them in all the Christmas fun] C'mon Squidward!, What have you got to lose?

Squidward:
My sanity, my dignity, my self-respect, my lunch.

[Spongebob hands Patrick a pencil]

Patrick:
Yippee! A writing stick!

SpongeBob:
What did you wish for?

Mr. Krabs:
A pony.

SpongeBob:
Really?

Mr. Krabs:
With saddlebags full of money!

SpongeBob:
[to Squidward, who is disguised as Santa Claus] I knew you would come, Santa! Hey, Santa, where's your big, round belly?

Squidward:
Uh, that is a part of, um, undersea pressure on my body.

SpongeBob:
Where's your reindeer and your big flying machine?

Squidward:
Uh, I loaned them to the Easter bunny.

SpongeBob:
Hey, Santa, where's your big nose? [pulls down Squidward's nose] I knew you were supposed to have a big one, but that thing's gigantic! [laughs]

Squidward:
[holds his nose] Alright, alright, I'm Santa!

SpongeBob:
Santa! This is the greatest gift you could have given me. Thank you, for bringing Christmas to Bikini Bottom.

Squidward:
I didn't bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom, Spongebob. You did. [pats Spongebob]

SpongeBob:
I...did? Ohhh... [faints, he is taken back home by Gary]

[Patchy the Pirate is eating cookie dough straight from the bowl]

Patchy:
Mmmm...unbaked cookie dough!

Potty the Parrot:
Squawk! Potty want cookie dough.

Patchy:
No, Potty! No! Don't, Potty! Potty...

Potty the Parrot:
Squawk! Give us a lick!

Patchy:
Back off, you flying freak!

Potty the Parrot:
Squawk! Clarify, please.

Patchy:
This here cookie dough is for the children, not for pesky parrots!

[there are three bells rang]

Patchy:
What's that? Three bells! Well, we all know what three bells mean!

Children:
Free ice cream!

Patchy:
[laughs] No, you silly livers! NO!

Potty the Parrot:
Squawk! Man overboard?

Patchy:
You, I'm ignoring. No...it's time to open fan letters!

[After "Santa" Squidward gives away all his possessions]

Squidward:
What was I thinking? I gave away all of my stuff, just so Spongebob wouldn't be sad. Am I insane?

[A knock sounds on the door]

Squidward:
You might as well take the door. That's all that's left.

Patchy:
Ooh, ye old mistletoe! And you know what that means! [takes out breath spray and squirts a couple times in his mouth] Alright, who wants to kiss Patchy? Come on, now!

Potty:
Squawk! Potty wants a kiss!

Patchy:
No! Potty! We discussed this before--

Potty:
POTTY WANTS A KISS!

[They continue to chase each other around the room]

Narrator:
Well, it looks like Patchy is very busy at this moment, so I'll say it for him: goodbye and happy holidays.

[During the mid-episode Christmas showtune]

Everybody:
This Christmas feels like-

Mr. Krabs:
[soprano's voice] The very first Christmas to me!!

Mr. Krabs:
Arrgh, Arghh, Arghh, Arghh, Arghh, Arghh

Everybody:
This Christmas feels like-

Mr. Krabs:
[soprano's voice] The very first Christmas to me!!

Patrick:
Hey look, she's on the eating channel

Patrick:
Sponge, I'm a big man. A big, BIG man!

Patrick:
SpongeBob, when are you gonna learn? No means yes.

[SpongeBob and Patrick are fighting about who is Dirty Dan, SpongeBob suddenly screams]

Patrick:
Screaming will get you nowhere.

[After Patrick almost wakes up Sandy]

SpongeBob:
No, Pat! We don't want to disturb her!

Patrick:
That's not disturbing, this is disturbing. [turns around and folds back fat up into a face] Hi, there, SpongeBob. My name is Pat-back.

SpongeBob:
HA! That is really disturbing.

Sandy:
[dreaming] Gonna throw y'all in jail at taxpayers' expense...

Sandy:
[dreaming] Gonna skin y'all and make a pair o' size six boots...

Sandy:
[dreaming] You're nothing but pure evil, just like newspaper comics...

Sandy:
[Grabs Spongebob and Patrick by their pants]

Spongebob:
Sandy, it's us! Spongebob and Patrick!

Patrick:
Please Sandy, I can't afford dry cleaning!

Sandy:
[sleep-walking] Which one of you fellers is the real Dirty Dan?

Patrick:
Um, I am? [Sandy slams him into her oak tree; dazed] Hot wings...

Sandy:
Okay, Pinhead Larry, now you get yours! [SpongeBob screams and runs] PINHEEEEEEAAAAAADDDDD!!!

SpongeBob:
I've got it! We'll burn the bark from Sandy's tree! [begins to peel some wood off of the tree]

Sandy:
[dreaming] You're gonna be wearin' an iron lung when I'm through with you, Pinhead!

SpongeBob:
[tapes the wood back on the tree] Fire's not gonna happen, Patrick. How does she go through these intense conditions?

Patrick:
Maybe she just ignores it.

SpongeBob:
Maybe...

Patrick:
Maybe...

SpongeBob:
Maybe it's her fur!

SpongeBob, Patrick:
Yeah!

Spongebob:
Look at all that warm, toasty, fur

Patrick:
It's like a gold mine, but with fur

Spongebob:
(In a southern voice) Alright pinhead, your time is up.

Patrick:
(with a looney, bucktooth face) Who are you calling pinhead?

Spongebob:
(With a stick from the picnic table in his hand) Stay back Sandy. I'm warning ya. [Sandy roars in Spongebob's face] Alright! I warned ya! [throws stick]

Patrick:
Did you win? [gets hit by the stick and rolls down hill speaking gibberish] Hi Spongebob.

SPONGEBOB:
( weeps ) Oh, Gary, why did you have to go? Why, Gary? ( beats the wall with his fist in his anguish ) Why, why, why, why, why?

SPONGEBOB:
Gosh, Larry is sure different than Gary. And Gary and Larry are real different than....Jerry. ( holds up a real life snail )

PATRICK:
Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here?

SPONGEBOB:
Laundry? But-- we used to do laundry!

PATRICK:
And, uh, SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap?

SPONGEBOB:
( on the verge of breaking down ) Soap? But we used to use soap! [holds up two different types of soap] Do you want Fresh Scent, or Heavy Du-Du-Du...

PATRICK:
Here it comes.

SPONGEBOB:
Du-Du...( crying ) ...tyyyyyy!

SPONGEBOB:
Oh, Gary, I knew you'd never leave me. Awww...let's go for a walk, pal! ( leads Gary out of the house on a leash, leaving Patrick alone )

PATRICK:
Gary? I thought what we had was SPECIAAAAALLL!!

PATRICK:
( brushing his teeth ) Brush-brush-brush, brush-brush-brush, ( brushing his armpit ) brushing everywhere!

PATRICK:
I'm sorry Spongebob, but Gary's with me now, you had your chance and you failed. You have to stop living in the past. Face it Spongebob, you're only hurting yourself, it's what Gary wants, and what Gary wants is me! Right Gary? Huh?

PATRICK:
He only liked me for my shorts!

SPONGEBOB:
No, Patrick, he wanted the cookie in your pocket.

( Gary pulls a cookie out of Patrick's pocket and eats it )

Narrator:
Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob's boating school exam. But more importantly, this is the last test for the year, and if SpongeBob does not pass this one, it means another whole year of BOATING SCHOOL! [SpongeBob hits the Narrator, who groans in pain]

SpongeBob:
Wha' happen?

Mrs. Puff:
Oh, nothing, SpongeBob, you just struck another pedestrian. Minus twenty more points.

SpongeBob:
What does that leave me with?

Mrs. Puff:
Negative 224.

SpongeBob:
Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score?

Mrs. Puff:
Six.

SpongeBob:
Whoooo! And how many do I need to pass?

Mrs. Puff:
Six...

SpongeBob:
[bending over and rising up very slowly] Whooooooooo...

Mrs. Puff:
...hundred.

SpongeBob:
Wha?

Mrs. Puff:
Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six.

SpongeBob:
Gonna write an essay, that's what I say!

[Mrs. Puff allows SpongeBob to slide through her class using extra credit so she can get rid of him]

Mrs. Puff:
You pass! You pass!

SpongeBob:
Mrs. Puff, I don't feel like I really did anything.

Mrs. Puff:
That's how extra credit is supposed to feel.

SpongeBob:
Really?

Mrs. Puff:
Besides, here's your license.

[She gives SpongeBob a driver's license with his picture on it]

SpongeBob:
My license! [licks it] It tastes just like I dreamt it would!

Spongebob:
[wakes up in boat] Hey, I'm driving! [sees Mrs Puff, the "boat-jacker"]

Both:
AHHHHHHHHHH!!

Spongebob:
Who are you and what are you doing with my boat?! And why are wearing that ski mask, because you're not skiing!? Oh my gosh, I know who you are!

Mrs. Puff:
No you don't! You don't know who I am!

Spongebob:
Yes I do! I know that you're... a boat-jacker! I never thought I'd have to use this pepper spray! [sprays the pepper spray in eyes, Spongebob screams] AAAAH! Somebody help me! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!

Mrs. Puff:
Sorry, SpongeBob, but it was for your own good.

Spongebob:
[Holding on to boatmobile] I'm... not... letting... go! [Car swerves] Nothing will stop me! Not even- [Gasps] Giant clams!? [Spongebob gets bit by clams] I'm...not... letting... go! Even for- [Gasps] Cheese graters!? [Spongebob gets grated] If you think I'd let go for a little- EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION?! OH NO! [Spongebob lets go of the boat] AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

[SpongeBob is speaking to Mrs. Puff over a phone line while she resides in the Bikini Bottom Jail]

SpongeBob:
So, how's it going, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff:
[meekly] Uh, Spongebob? I'd like to... apologize. I shouldn't have passed you. You really weren't ready.

SpongeBob:
[quietly] So I guess I gotta give my license back, huh?

Mrs. Puff:
I hear Mrs. Flounder is starting a new class Monday morning.

SpongeBob:
[smiling] You kidding? You're the only teacher for this student! And besides, the warden says she'll let you go early, if you do her a favor.

Mrs. Puff:
What's that?

SpongeBob:
Free driving lessons! [laughs]

Spongebob:
[disguided as radio] And now back to K.R.U.D. with all of your personal ["You won't get away with stealing my car!"] hits! [climbs out of radio hole, Mrs. Puff screams]

SpongeBob:
But I was your biggest fan!

Kevin:
So were they. [points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]

Fish:
Look everybody! Kevin's back! [they cheer]

Kevin:
Punch yourself in the face

Spongebob:
[Punches himself in the face]

Kevin:
Doesn't that hurt you?

Spongebob:
[holds up a metal boxing glove] Do you want it to hurt me, Kevin?

Spongebob:
Hi Kevin....

Kevin:
Hello, loser.

SpongeBob:
Look Patrick, state of the art jellyfishing nets!

Patrick:
Touch. [touches one of the nets]

Guard:
Don't touch!

SpongeBob:
Ooh, the harpoon used in Jellyfish: The Movie!

Patrick:
Touch. [touches it]

Guard:
[getting annoyed] Don't touch!

SpongeBob:
Look! Dr. Man'O'War, the guy who got stung by Big Lenny, and lived!

Dr. Man'O'War:
And now it only hurts if you touch it.

Patrick:
Touch. [touches the sting]

Dr. Man'O'War:
OW!

Guard:
Do I have to follow you all day?!

Patrick:
[about Kevin] What's so great about a nerdy pickle?

SpongeBob:
If I could just touch the hem of his pocket protector, then maybe some of his greatness will rub off on me!

Patrick:
SpongeBob, as a friend, I must say, that's really geeky. [Jeffrey the Jellyfish walks by; Patrick gasps] Oh, my gosh! Jeffrey Jellyfish! [runs after him] Wait, Jeffrey, I have to touch you!

Guard:
[running after Patrick] Hey!

Patrick:
I'm glad you learned your lesson, SpongeBob. Hero worship is unhealthy. [pulls Jeffery the Jellyfish in a wagon] Come along, Jeffery.

Kevin:
[after the king jellyfish takes the pie bubble] How did you know?

SpongeBob:
[laughs] Everybody loves pie!

SpongeBob:
Hi Kevin, I'm your biggest fan.

Kevin:
You're too kind. SECURITY!!

Anchovy:
[repeats] Wha-wha-wha!

Kevin:
Will you cut that out?!

[Man-Ray sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry]

Man-Ray:
Boo-hoo-hoo! Oh, sob! Oh, cry! [peeks through his fingers to see if SpongeBob and Patrick are watching] Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long! Oh, how I wish to be good! If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency!

[SpongeBob and Patrick beam at one another]

SpongeBob:
We could teach you how to be good! And then we'll let you go!

Man-Ray:
Oh, that would be fantastic! [to himself] I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school.

Narrator:
[about the Tickle Belt] As seen in Episode 17!

Mermaid Man:
Prolonged exposure to the Orb of Confusion will give you...er...confusion.

Spongebob:
Ok, goodness lesson #2, you see someone struggling with a heavy package, what do you do?

Man-Ray:
Excuse me sir, i saw you struggling with that package, do you need some help?

Patrick:
[drops package on Man-Ray] oops sorry, can i start over?

Man-Ray:
I was just wondering if you would [patrick drops package on his foot again] OW!!!!

Patrick:
oops sorry, again, i would [drops the package on Man-Ray's foot again]

Man-Ray:
OW YOU BUTTERED FINGERED PINK THING! What's in that box anyway!!??

Patrick:
My wallets

[Man-Ray grabs Patrick and slams him onto the ground]

Patrick:
SpongeBob, tickle him!

[SpongeBob turns on the Tickle Belt and Man-Ray continues slamming Patrick while laughing]

Man-Ray:
[falsely polite] Excuse me, sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet.

Patrick:
Doesn't look familiar to me.

Man-Ray:
What? But, I just saw you drop it. Here.

Patrick:
No, it's not mine.

Man-Ray:
It is yours. I am trying to be a good person in returning it to you.

Patrick:
Return what to who?

[Man-Ray claps a hand over his face in frustration]

Man-Ray:
[holding up ID card] Aren't you Patrick Star?

Patrick:
Yep.

Man-Ray:
And this is your ID.

Patrick:
Yep.

Man-Ray:
I found this ID in this wallet. And if that's the case, this must be your wallet.

Patrick:
That makes sense to me.

Man-Ray:
Then take it.

Patrick:
It's not my wallet.

Man-Ray:
YOU DIM BULB!!! TAKE THE WALLET, OR I'LL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF!!!!!

SpongeBob:
Wrong! [turns on the Tickle Belt] Good people don't rip other people's arms off!

SpongeBob:
Okay, goodness lesson #3. Er, let's see.

Patrick:
I got one. [takes the remote] I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What is it?

Man-Ray:
Uh, 62?

Patrick:
Wrong! [turns on the Tickle Belt]

SpongeBob:
Patrick, that has nothing to do with being good! [fights over the remote]

Patrick:
Let go, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
Pat, we've gotta use it when he's bad!

Patrick:
Let go!

SpongeBob:
No, you let go!

[the remote breaks and the Tickle Belt goes haywire]

[After SpongeBob and Patrick crash the Invisible Boat Mobile]

Patrick:
Thank goodness for invisible seat belts!

[After Man-Ray unsuccessfully attempts to rob a bank]

Man-Ray:
Agh! The belt is gone, but I still feel its tickle! The urge to do bad is gone! [to the lady at the counter] I guess I'll just open a checking account.

[SpongeBob and Patrick have been reduced to piles of ashes]

Patrick:
What's that smell, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
That, Patrick, is the smell of defeat.

Patrick:
Good. I thought it was my skin.

SpongeBob:
Forget about your skin, Patrick! Man-Ray is still bad!

SpongeBob:
Man-Ray!

Man-Ray:
No need to be alarmed, SpongeBob. Your teachings have transformed me. Besides, I have checks with little poodles on them!

Mother:
Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You'll catch its stupid!

Billy:
[being dragged away] Okay, Mom.

Sandy:
Stupidity isn't a virus. But it sure is spreadin' like one!

Spongebob:
[invited to Sandy's Treedome] I'm glad Sandy can see the genius of my comedy. Good morning, Sandy.

Sandy:
[dressed like a country beatnik] Well, howdy!

Spongebob:
Sandy, are you alright?

Sandy:
I'm just bein' my old naturally squirelly self! Well, come on in. Yah'll must be tired from tellin' them funny jokes all the time. Why don'tcha take a load off? [pushes Spongebob onto a log]

Spongebob:
Sandy, I think there's something wrong with this seat.

Sandy:
Naw, I just dun put glue on it so you wouldn't fall off. [sees Spongebob's flowers] Are 'dem flowers for me? You even dun got me a vase! [takes Spongebob's water helmet] Ain't dat pretty?

Spongebob:
[rapidly dehydrating] Sandy! I need wa-

Sandy:
Oh, dat's right! You'se a sea critter! Now what was that thing sea critters need? Uh, let's see... I've got this one. Wallet, watch, waffles...

Spongebob:
[desperate] SANDY! WAAAAATERRRRRR!

Sandy:
Well, why didn't you just say so? Here ya go! [shoves a water hose into Spongebob's mouth and turns it on] Yup, a squirrel sure is stupid. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Squirrels is dumb.

Spongebob:
[rapidly inflating as he fills with water] Sandy! OK, Sandy, I get it!

Sandy:
What's that? You want more? Okie-dokie! More water for the sea critter! [turns hose on full blast]

Spongebob:
OK, SANDY, OK! I GET IT!! [cut outside the Treedome, where Spongebob's body appears to have filled the interior of the dome; weakly] No more squirrel jokes...

SpongeBob:
Oh, and crabs... they're so cheap, they can't even PAY attention!

Mister Krabs:
It's true, I am cheap!

[Patrick approaches SpongeBob, but is distracted by Sandy standing nearby]

Patrick:
[to Sandy, voice is slow and exaggerated/drwn-out] Hhhheeeellllooooo...... Sssannnnddddyyyyy........ mmeeeee Ppaaaaattricckkk...doooooooo yoooouuuuu un-der...staaaaaaaaaaand?

Sandy:
I'm a squirrel. See? [points to the acorn logo on her suit]

SpongeBob:
I thought that meant you were nuts.

Sandy:
I'll show y'all! I don't need this suit! [rips her suit off]

[SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs and Squidward gasp]

Sandy:
And I don't need this helmet, neither! [takes off her helmet and breaks it]

Mr. Krabs:
Neptune preserve her!

Squidward:
How long can she stay like that?

SpongeBob:
I don't know.

Patrick:
Sandy's a girl?!

[Sandy sees SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward being attacked by giant sea gulls]

Sandy:
[gasps] Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hi-ya!

[She launches into karate mode and literally beats the stuffing out of the seagulls]

Mr. Krabs:
Three cheers for feeling sorry for ourselves! Hip-hip...

SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs & Sandy:
HOORAY!

Mr. Krabs:
Hip-hip...

SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs & Sandy:
HOORAY!

Mr. Krabs:
Hip-hip...

Seagulls:
Hooray... [their bodies are completely naked because of Sandy's karate]

Patrick:
If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like "you" and "are" and "a jerk"!

Patrick:
I'm getting so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it. [licks what looks like SpongeBob] Boy, crime fighting makes me hungry, and this yellow popsicle hits the spot!

Patrick:
[upon being arrested] Wow, you guys are good. I was the last person I would have suspected, but I was looking for me all the time! It's the perfect crime!

Police Officer:
Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge, Pinky.

SpongeBob:
I've...uhh...got to go get my hair cut!

Sandy:
SpongeBob doesn't have hair...or does he?

P.A. Announcer:
Attention all Zoo patrons, Clamu the Sea Oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles.

SpongeBob:
[panicked] Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! SQUIIIDWAAARD! [Squidward pops head out of window] Squidward, the sky had a baby. [points to anchor in house]

Squidward:
[irritated] That's not a baby; that's a giant anchor. Now go away!

Patrick appears randomly.

Patrick:
[excitedly] SpongeBob, the sky had a baby!

SpongeBob:
I know! What do you think we should name it?

Spongebob:
I know who owns this boat, I just can't place the name. [barrel reading "Property of the Flying Dutchman" in background]

As Squidward continues to knock on the cabin door, it opens and the Flying Dutchman bursts forth.

Flying Dutchman:
[scarily] AHHHH AOOOOW WAAAAH!

Spongebob:
No, no, it's not DAAAAAH OOOW AH OOW AAAAH!

Flying Dutchman:
I am the Flying Dutchman!

Spongebob:
That's it! [turns around] Squidward! This ship belongs to the Red Baron!

Flying Dutchman:
Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!

Spongebob:
Never!

Flying Dutchman:
[menacingly] Okay, then... [shoots fire from nose at Spongebob]

Spongebob raises sock in front of fire, making the Dutchman stop and suck it back in. He then grabs the sock and begins a tug-o-war with Spongebob.

Flying Dutchman:
Ah, ooh, give it to me!

Spongebob:
NO! [ripping sound]

Flying Dutchman:
Wait! You're stretching out the elastic!

Flying Dutchman:
Tell you what. You give me back the sock and I'll give you... three wishes.

Patrick:
Make it five!

Flying Dutchman:
Four.

Patrick:
Three! Take it or leave it.

Pause.

Flying Dutchman:
Okay... uh, three. You get three wishes.

SpongeBob:
Wow, three wishes, Pat! How cool is that?!

Patrick:
Wishes?! I wish we'd known that earlier!

The clock goes back five minutes.

Flying Dutchman:
Okay, you got two wishes left.

Patrick smiles guiltily.

Kid:
[regarding SpongeBob and Patrick's pathetic attempt at scaring] Those guys are dorks.

Flying Dutchman:
[annoyed] Yes, but they're my dorks.

Patrick:
Wait, I have an idea.

Spongebob:
Really? What is it?

Patrick:
Let's leave.

SpongeBob:
But the door is locked [points] and the only way out is through the... perfume department... [dramatic music]

Flying Dutchman:
What a night. Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablazed with fear!

Flying Dutchman:
Awoooooooooo!

SpongeBob:
[laughing] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Patrick:
Leedleedleedleedlee

Flying Dutchman:
Awoooooooooo!

SpongeBob:
[laughing] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Patrick:
Leedleedleedleedlee

Flying Dutchman:
Aa.....

Patrick:
Leeoooloodloooooleeaaaleeee

Flying Dutchman:
Aa.....

Patrick:
Looooleeeeaaabbbaaaaddaaaaaaaaaaa

Pause. Spongebob and Flying Dutchman look at Patrick

Flying Dutchman:
Eh.Tha'll do.

SpongeBob:
[to Squidward] What about all you said about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all?

Squidward:
[nervously] Ha, I-I never s-said that.

Flying Dutchman:
Insulting a man's ship... be worse than insulting his mother.

SpongeBob:
No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship!

The Flying Dutchman shoots fire out of his nose at Squidward, who screams in pain.

Flying Dutchman:
Listen! Were going on a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good, and scary.

Spongebob:
You mean you want it to look good,.... and scary. I think we could probably.....

Patrick:
No,no, I think he wants it to look so good, that it's scary

Spongebob:
Or maybe that by looking so scary, you forget that it doesn't look good.

Patrick:
I don't get it

Spongebob:
Look, it's easy, it simply means that....

Flying Dutchman:
[Really annoyed] NEVERMIND WHAT IT MEANS!!!!!! I JUST WANT IT TO LOOK SCARY!! THATS IT! You know mold, growing on the ceilings, and bugs in the sink.

Spongebob:
So you don't what it to look good.

Flying Dutchman:
GET MOVIN!!!!!!!!

Spongebob and Patrick:
[Really scared, singing, and swabbing the deck] A sailor's life is a wonderful life, a wonderful life ashore!!

[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, has fallen into a giant mud puddle]

SpongeBob:
[dismayed] I'm a dirty boy.

SpongeBob:
Look, dubloons! [hands two bars of soap to Gary] Don't drop 'em!

[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]

SpongeBob:
I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages...

[Images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a subliminal message girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear - clearly perplexing SpongeBob]

SpongeBob:
[walking away] Sorry you had to see that...

Spongebob:
Oh, no! I bathed Gary too hard and removed his skin!

SpongeBob:
The sign says "kitchen," but my heart says "jail."

[Music begins]

SpongeBob:
[singing] A stove is a stove, no matter where you go.

Mr. Krabs:
[singing] A patty is a patty, that's what I say.

SpongeBob:
[singing] A grill is a grill, this is surely so.

Mr. Krabs:
[singing] And fries should be fries either way.

SpongeBob:
[singing] But this grill is not a home. This is not the stove I know.

Mr. Krabs:
[singing] I would trade it all away, if you'd come back to stay.

Both:
[singing] This kitchen's not the same without you.

Mr. Krabs:
[singing] It's just a greasy spooooooooon-

Spongebob:
[singing] It's just a greasy spoon...

Both:
[singing] Without you...

[Spongebob falls flat onto his face and begins to sob]

Spongebob:
[walking to the krusty krab and remembering the conversation last nite] Hahahahahaha, taking him to the cleaners. That's a hot one!

Plankton:
Don't you back-sass me!

'SpongeBob:
: [mocking Plankton] Nyeh nyeh nyeh!

Plankton:
WHAT?!

SpongeBob:
All this preparation is making me hungry.

Plankton:
Me too! You know what would really hit the spot? Why don't you whip us up a couple of Krabby Patties?

SpongeBob:
Mmm, I'm kind of in the mood for tacos.

Plankton:
[chuckles] Good one, SpongeBob. But really, go ahead and make us some patties.

Plankton:
SpongeBob, come in here! Or should I say RobotBob....Sponge...ChefPants... I put the brain in the robot, you know.

Patrick:
[dazed after a giant wrench falls on his head] Where's the leak, ma'am?

SpongeBob:
What do you think you're doing, Doodle?!

Frankendoodle:
You Doodle! Me SpongeBob!

[Frankendoodle rolls bowling ball at Patrick]

Patrick:
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

[Ball hits Patrick, Patrick falls in hole, and a X comes on screen]

[Ball falls into hole and hits Patrick again. 2nd X comes on screen]

SpongeBob:
You okay, Patrick?

Patrick:
[after subsequently being hit by a bowling ball] FINLAND!

Patrick:
He's hideous! He makes me sick just looking at him! Those big bulgy eyes, that square body, those two buck teeth, AND THAT STUPID TIE!

[SpongeBob awkwardly clears his throat]

Patrick:
[blushing] Oh, but it looks good on you, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
It's a jellyfish!

Patrick:
Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.

SpongeBob:
Huh! Everybody's a critic.

Patrick:
SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life!

SpongeBob:
Now, that's more like it Mr. Critic.

Patrick:
No! I mean it's swimming away!

SpongeBob:
Do you know what this means Patrick?

Patrick:
Your art can never hang in a museum.

Patrick:
Now all I need is a magic mustache, and all my dreams will have come true.

SpongeBob:
Coming right up! [draws a mustache on Patrick]

Patrick:
Life is good!

[The mustache flies away]

Patrick:
Easy come, easy go.

[The magic mustache flies into the room and settles onto the top of Squidward's head]

Squidward:
(gets happy) HAIR!!!

SpongeBob:
He's putting down the pencil! This is our chance! On the count of three, we'll jump out and surprise him!

Patrick:
Oh boy, a surprise party! Is it his birthday?

[DoodleBob crashes through the wall and grabs SpongeBob]

Spongebob:
Patrick! Patrick! Do something!

Patrick:
Happy Birthday!

[DoodleBob tosses Spongebob to the side. Patrick presents a rock to DoodleBob]

Patrick:
Here's your present!

[DoodleBob takes the rock and hits Patrick on the head]

Patrick:
[woozily] You're welcome.

SpongeBob:
What could be in that box that Patrick doesn't want me to see? Maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish... or maybe Patrick's a master jewel thief and it's full of diamonds. [nervously] Or maybe Patrick's a deranged maniac who keeps his victim's severed heads in a box! Or even worse...maybe it's an embarrassing picture of me at the Christmas party! [screams]

Patrick:
You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. [A thought bubble appears, showing a milk carton falling over]

[Squidward plays the clarinet poorly. There is a knock at door and he answers]

Doctor:
Yeah, uh, we're from the pet hospital down the street, and we understand you have a dying animal on the premises.

[Squidward slams the door shut]

Squidward:
Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the-- [blows clarinet]

Squilliam Fancyson:
Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum?

Squidward:
[shocked]Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!

Squilliam:
I heard you're playing the cash register now.

Squidward:
Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow?

Squilliam:
It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week!

Squidward:
The bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu, bu-bu-bu-bu...

Squilliam:
That's right! I'm living your dream, Squidward! The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.

Squidward:
Oh, I, uh, uh, uh...

Squilliam:
I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now!

Squidward:
[angry at the comment]] HOLD IT! [Squilliam perks up as he was about to hang up] It just so happens that I don't sell fast food! I do have a band, and we're going to play at that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, fancy boy?

Squilliam:
Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of IBUPROFIN! [hangs up]

Squidward:
Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now, I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.

SpongeBob:
[excitedly] Is this the part where we start kicking?

Squidward:
No, SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.

Patrick:
Kicking?! I wanna do some kicking! [kicks Sandy on the shin]

Sandy:
Why you...!

[Sandy and Patrick start a big brawl that continues outside]

Patrick:
NOOOOO-HO-HO-HO-HOOOOOO!!!!!

[everybody has shocked looks on their faces; Patrick peaks his head into the door]

Patrick:
Whoever's the owner of the white sedan, you left your lights on.

[Patrick enters, revealing his head has been shoved through a trombone]

Squidward:
Okay now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?

Plankton:
Do instruments of torture count?

Squidward:
No.

Patrick:
[raises hand] Is mayonnaise an instrument?

Squidward:
No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.

[Patrick raises his hand again]

Squidward:
Horseradish is not an instrument either.

[Patrick puts his hand down]

Squidward:
That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you! [starts laughing, then gradually stops]

Mr. Krabs:
When do we get the free food?

Squidward:
Okay, try to repeat after me. [plays a tune with his clarinet] Brass section, go! [the brass section repeat the tune] Good! Now the wind! [the wind section repeat the tune] And the drums! [the drum section tries to play, but the sticks fling on to Squidward] Too bad that didn't kill me.

Squidward:
[pinned to the wall by percussion mallets] Too bad that didn't kill me.

Squidward:
I knew this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope that... [sees Squilliam]] …SQUILLIAM DOESN'T FIND OUT!!!! SQUILLIAM!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! What are you doing here?!

Squilliam:
[laughs] I just wanted to watch you blow it! So, where's your band?

Squidward:
They couldn't come, they...died.

Squilliam:
Then who's that? [points to the entrance]

Squidward:
[his eyes bulge out in shock] AAAH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!

SpongeBob:
We're ready to perform, Squidward!

Squilliam:
Well Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look!

Squidward:
[disappointed] That's his eager face.

[When clock ticks, everyone stops wrestling, they murmur and turn to leave, when the door opens, Squidward stands there]

Squidward:
Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness, and crushed it. Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces! I really had expected better of you people. [starts crying] I guess I'm a loser for that too! Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all DIED in a marching accident. So, thanks. [cries] Thanks for nothing. [leaves]

Patrick:
[after a lengthy silence] You're welcome.

Narrator:
Day four.

Squidward:
Well, this is our last night together before the show, and I know you haven't improved since we began.

[Patrick is seen chewing on a trombone.]

Squidward:
But I have a theory. People talk loud when they want to sound smart, right?

Plankton:
CORRECT!

Squidward:
So if we play loud, people might think we're good! Everybody ready? And a-one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four. [the band plays so loud that the glass breaks] Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.

Harold:
Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with "big meaty claws"!

Mr. Krabs:
What did you say, punk?

Harold:
BIG...MEATY...'CLAWS!'

Mr. Krabs:
Well these claws ain't just for attracting mates!

Harold:
Bring it on old man, BRING IT ON!

SpongeBob:
No people. Let's be smart and bring it off.

Female Fish:
Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us!

Squidward:
I've got to drum up a marching band fast! [chuckles] Drum...band humor!

Squidward:
That trilobite couldn't tell an oboe from an elbow! [chuckles] Elbow... more band humor.

[Everyone reading Squidward's fliers]

Sandy:
"Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?"

Plankton:
"Then become part of the greatest musical sensation ever to hit Bikini Bottom."

Mrs. Puff:
"And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know."

Mr. Krabs:
"Not to mention... free refreshments!"

Larry the Lobster:
"Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp."

SpongeBob:
Isn't this great, Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun will come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working! [gasps] It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK SQUIDWARD?

Squidward:
No.

SpongeBob:
GOOD! 'Cause we got CUSTOMERS!

Squidward:
Here. [hands a baseball bat to a customer] Please hit me as hard as you can.

SpongeBob:
Hey Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen. [giggles] At night.

Squidward:
[tilts his head sideways to the customer with the bat] Don't hold back.

Squidward:
And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties...it happened.

SpongeBob:
He forgot the secret sauce?

Squidward:
No.

SpongeBob:
He didn't wash his hands?

Squidward:
No.

SpongeBob:
Irregular portions?

Squidward:
NO! He cut off his own hand by mistake!

SpongeBob:
You mean like this? [pulls out his arm, and another one grows back] Or this? [repeats] Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this?

Squidward:
Except he wasn't a sponge.

SpongeBob:
So?

Squidward:
SO THEY DIDN'T GROW BACK!!

SpongeBob:
[he and his arms that were pulled out jump in fear] OHH NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! [arms run away]

[Squidward is telling the story of the Hash-Slinging Slasher]

Squidward:
So now, every-- what day is it?

SpongeBob:
Tuesday.

Squidward:
TUESDAY NIGHT, his ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!

SpongeBob:
Isn't this great, Squidward? There's no time to wash the ceiling during the day!

Squidward:
"Open twenty-four hours a day." What a stupid idea! Who wants a Krabby Patty at three in the morning?!

[Inside Patrick's rock, Patrick is woken up by his alarm clock at 3:
00 AM]

Patrick:
Oh, boy, 3 AM! [pulls off his blanket to reveal a Krabby Patty and eats it]

Squidward:
[nervously] Okay, what was it? There was the lights, [lights flicker] the phone, [phone rings] and... [turns around to see green ooze coming from the walls] THE WALLS WILL OOZE GREEN SLIME?! Oh wait, they always do that.

SpongeBob:
I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the road just to entertain me! You must really like me!

Squidward:
SpongeBob, there are two problems with your theory. One: I hate you, and two: How can that be me, if I'm STANDING RIGHT HERE?!

Squidward:
SpongeBob? No matter what I've said, I always sort of liked you!

SpongeBob:
Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet!

Squidward:
Huh?

Squidward:
Wait, if that was you on the phone and you on the bus...then who was flickering the lights? [camera pans over to Count Orlok flickering the light switch]

All:
[playfully] NOSFERATU!

Mr. Krabs:
That's a penny short! [cries]

Squidward:
[sarcastically] Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.

[Mr. Krabs spots Mrs. Puff in the Krusty Krab.]

SpongeBob:
Hey, that's my driving instructor, Mrs. Puff!

Mr. Krabs:
Mrs. Puff? Aw, she's married.

SpongeBob:
Oh no, Mr. Krabs; she's single.

Mr. Krabs:
Then what happened to Mr. Puff?

[Mr. Puff is seen being used as a lamp]

SpongeBob:
She doesn't like to talk about it.

Mrs. Puff:
[after SpongeBob's rant is done] I didn't know SpongeBob had such a colorful vocabulary.

Mr. Krabs:
I'm caught in the middle of me two great loves: sweet Mrs. Puff...and the rest of me money!

Mr. Krabs:
(happy with hearts in the background) SpongeBob! Mrs. Puff needs a new fur coat!

Mr.Krabs:
(angry with burning dollars in the background) You're spending all me money! (happy) Puffy needs a new pair of shoes!

Mr. Krabs:
(angry) You're breaking me, boy! (happy) She needs fine jewelry!

Mr. Krabs:
(angry) Not that fine! (happy) SpongeBob! (angry) SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob! SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
I could not ask for a more beautiful day to write an essay. [looks outside and sees a tree and mountains]

SpongeBob:
It should be against the law to have to write an essay on such a super, sailor-ific, sunshine-y day.

Mail Fish:
Package for Mr. Squarepants.

SpongeBob:
Great! Thanks. [trying to strike up a conversation] So, uh, you like delivering mail?

Mail Fish:
It puts bread on the table.

SpongeBob:
Rye or pumpernickel? [laughs]

Mail Fish:
Oh, brother.

SpongeBob:
So, do you deliver your own mail, or do you have your own mail person? But then who delivers his mail? Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen delivering mail to other mailmen? Well, I guess a P.O. box could in theory break the chain...

Mail Fish:
[interrupting] Don't you have a paper to write?

[SpongeBob accidentally swallows a bit of eraser shaving, and quickly runs for water]

SpongeBob:
[breathing deeply] That was a close one!

Gary:
Meow.

Spongebob:
[frowning] What do you mean, "overly dramatic," Gary?

SpongeBob:
What?! I called to have an engaging conversation with you.

Patrick:
[over the phone] Okay, I'm listening.

SpongeBob:
Uhhh...Marco.

Patrick:
Polo. [hangs up]

Fire:
Only seven hundred ninety nine more words to go!

Patrick:
You know something, SpongeBob, it's all fun and games for you! Nothing really matters! [sarcastically] Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do! [angrily] Life's just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust, or to clean, or to wipe-- [getting increasingly worked up] --OR FABRICATE!

SpongeBob:
[gently] But Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate.

[Patrick looks at SpongeBob for a split second, then falls at his feet and breaks down into tears]

SpongeBob:
Patrick! You've forgotten how to eat again! I'll get the funnel!

Patrick:
No, it's not that

Spongebob:
Darn, I like the funnel

Patrick:
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Marty:
Son, you actually recognized us this time!

Patrick:
Why wouldn't I recognize my own parents?

Marty:
You never were a bright one.

Patrick:
Uh...

Marty:
Well, aren't you gonna show us inside?

Janet:
He probably forgot where it is

Marty:
He makes phone operators seem smart!

Janet:
He lives in a fruit?

Marty:
That's unhealthy.

Marty:
Does he always do that after he eats?

Patrick:
Only on Wednesday

SpongeBob:
Patrick, if your parents think your stupid then they must not know what stupid really is.

Patrick:
But don't they watch television?

SpongeBob:
If your parents saw a real stupid person they would realize how much of a genius you are.

Patrick:
But don't geniuses live in a lamp?

Patrick:
Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. [drools]

SpongeBob:
What?! No! I have a brain! See, here's a picture of it! [takes out a small picture of his brain]

Patrick:
That must be actual size! [laughs with Marty and Janet]

SpongeBob:
No, it's normal size and fully functional! See! [draws math problem on a chalkboard] Two plus two equals four!

Marty:
You taught him math, too!

SpongeBob:
NO!

Marty:
And you taught him to sing! [SpongeBob gets angry] Now he's short-circuiting! Looks like you taught him a little too much!

SpongeBob:
Oh, no, Patrick! You forgot how to eat again! I'll go get the funnel!

Patrick:
No SpongeBob, it's not that.

SpongeBob:
Darn! I like the funnel.

Marty:
Isn't that right, Janet?

Janet:
You bet, Marty!

Patrick:
Janet?! Marty?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

Janet:
Marty, I'm scared!

Squidward:
They've been banging on my door asking, "Where's Patrick?" all day! It's driving me nuts!

Marty:
Oh-ho, yeah! I forgot. We don't have a son. [he and Janet walk away]

Patrick:
I got this letter from my parents. [hands spongebob a piece of paper]

Spongebob:
There is. [flips the paper over and there is the letter B]

Patrick:
And look on the back, there's note. [Spongebob flips paper over and there is a music note]

Spongebob:
You're right.

Patrick:
And I got this message from my parents. [hands spongebob another piece of paper]

SpongeBob:
Hello customers. Nice [Dolphin Chirps] day we're having, huh?

Harold:
[gasps] Did he just say...

Pirate:
Aye, he did.

SpongeBob:
Hey, Patrick, how the [Chirps] are ya?

Patrick:
Pretty [Dolphin Chirps] good SpongeBob.

Old Man Jenkins:
I thought this was a restaurant, not a gutter-mouth convention.

SpongeBob:
(through the intercom) Attention, customers, today's special is a [Chirp] Krabby Patty served with in a greasy sauce and grilled to [Dolphin Noises] perfection. And don't forget to us to [Chirp] the [Chirp, Chirp, Chirp] fries. It'll be our [Dolphin Noises] pleasure.

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs, Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
What, what, what?

SpongeBob:
Patrick, Patrick, Patrick!

Mr. Krabs:
Yes, yes, yes?

SpongeBob:
He said, he said, he said!

Mr. Krabs:
Out with it, boy!

SpongeBob:
Me and Patrick were playing Eels and Escelators and he was going up up up and I had to ride the eels and then we ran and Patrick he said some things.

Mr. Krabs:
What kind of things?

SpongeBob:
Well, he said...

Mr. Krabs:
Yes?

SpongeBob:
Well, um, let's just say he said a certain word that you said he shouldn't say, and this particular word happens to be word #11 on a list of 13 words that you said shouldn't be said!

Mr. Krabs:
Uh, right, what was that part about what, what, the...uh...about...who now?

[Mr. Krabs finds, to his utmost horror, that the Krusty Krab is deserted]

Mr. Krabs:
Squidward, where have all me beautiful paying customers gone?

Squidward:
[gesturing toward Spongebob and Patrick] Apparently, the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word. And SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.

[Mr. Krabs hits his foot on a rock]

Mr. Krabs:
[wailing in pain] Oh my [dolphin chirps] foot! What [dolphin chirps] genius put a [Dolphin Chirps] rock in a [Chirps] path?! Can't ya see I gotta [Boat Horn] foot here?! Aw [Seal Barks]! [SpongeBob is counting the bad words]

SpongeBob:
That's all thirteen, Patrick! [gasps] We're gonna tell your mom, Mr. Krabs!

Mama Krabs:
Oh, dear, my poor old heart.

[Mr. Krabs catches his mother in his arms as she keels over in a dead faint]

Mr. Krabs:
[gasps] Oh, dear Mother, what have these foul-mouthed heathens done to you? [secretly takes a nickel from his mother and pockets it, then rounds angrily on SpongeBob and Patrick] You two should be ashamed, making an old lady faint with your sailor talk!

[All at once Mama Krabs opens her eyes and pulls away from her son]

Mama Krabs:
[sternly] You should all be ashamed! And if you're going to talk like sailors, then you're going to work like sailors.

Mama Krabs:
YEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! My [HONK!!!] foot!

[Everyone gasps]

Mr. Krabs:
Mother!

Mama Krabs:
What? It's Old Man Jenkins & his jalopy.

Old Man Jenkins:
Howdy, Mrs. K! [Honks his horn]

[SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr. Krabs burst out laughing]

Squidward:
Let's start from square one. Or should I say, circle one. [draws a wobbly-looking circle] Am I going too fast for you, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
How's this, Squidward? [he has drawn a perfect circle]

Squidward:
A perfect circle?! Do it again! Show your process.

SpongeBob:
First, I draw this head, then erase some of the more detailed features, and one, two, three, a circle, uh, thingy.

Squidward:
Now repeat after me. I have no talent.

SpongeBob:
I have no talent.

Squidward:
Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

SpongeBob:
Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

Squidward:
If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me.

SpongeBob:
If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles on my art.

SpongeBob:
Look, Squidward. It's you and me playing "Leap Frog"! That's you on the bottom.

SpongeBob:
Really?

Squidward:
Really.

SpongeBob:
Really?

Squidward:
Really.

SpongeBob:
Really?

Squidward:
REALLY!

SpongeBob:
Wow. Really?

Squidward:
Let's go dark.

Patrick:
D'oh, c'mon, you're just flipping patties.

SpongeBob:
Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds!

[Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise]

SpongeBob:
Why don't you go home Patrick, you can compete in the "Laying Under A Rock All Day" games!

Patrick:
[shocked] Well at least I don't polish my fingernails!

SpongeBob:
[gasps] You take that back! [a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]

Patrick:
[mocking] Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails!

SpongeBob:
You don't even have fingernails!

Patrick:
[shocked] I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM HEARING!

SpongeBob:
HOW CAN YOU HEAR IT?! YOU DON'T HAVE EARS EITHER!

Patrick:
[thinking of a way to say something about SpongeBob then spots SpongeBob's holes] HOLES, HOLES!

SpongeBob:
Conehead!

Patrick:
Yellow!

SpongeBob:
Pink!

Plankton:
Just look at him, square, the shape of EVIL!!!!

Patrick:
[wearing yellow underwear] You know, these were white when I bought them.

Patrick:
[after SpongeBob has erased part of his nametag] NOOOOOOOOOOO!! MY NAME'S...NOT...RIIIIIIIIIICK!!!

Patrick:
[sitting ontop of spongeBob and holding his foot] Forgot the Chum Bucket! This is personal! [Take off SpongeBob's shoe and lick his foot]

Plankton:
Please turn your attention to the south-west corridor of the arena!

[Crowd turns to their right]

Plankton:
Other way... [under his breath] Imbeciles.

Mr. Krabs:
Win this one for the Krusty Krab!

SpongeBob:
[runs forward] FOR THE KRUSTY KRAB!

Plankton:
Win this one because I told you to!

Patrick:
[runs forward as well] BECAUSE HE TOLD ME TOOOOOOOOO!

Plankton:
[after Patrick and SpongeBob make up] Hey! Get back here and kill each other!

Squidward:
Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification.

Mr. Krabs:
I've got a bad feeling in the pit of me wallet.

Squidward:
[sighs]

Mr. Krabs:
"Breathe on yer own time. I don't pay ya' ta breathe."

SpongeBob:
[singing] We're goin' on strike, we're goin' on strike! I still don't know what "strike" means...but we're goin' on strike! [accidentally kicks Mr. Krabs]

SpongeBob:
"Krusty Krab is unfair. Mr. Krabs is in there, standing at the concession, plotting his oppression."

Sandy:
Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? [pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]

SpongeBob:
You are.

Sandy:
And who put the (Hiyah! Hah! Huah!) 'K' in 'karate'?

SpongeBob:
(body is shaped like a "U") You did.

Sandy:
And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis? (SpongeBob's backside reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks")

SpongeBob:
You do.

"Hey it's Viking's day hinge a ding a deergen "

Sandy:
Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else

Patrick:
Not untill four

SpongeBob:

Wow. It’s amazing how a simple change of clothes can make a guy look...just...like...me.

-Big Pink Loser (Season 2, Episode 3a)