The Inbetweeners, Series 2

Jay:
I have to see a man about a dog. (winks at Neil) and then a woman about a pussy.

(Jay and Neil grin)

Lauren:
(annoyed) I know what that means, you know.

Old lady:
What can I get you?

Jay:
Cornetto please

Old lady:
One Cornetto, is that all?

Jay:
Do you want to lick it?

Old lady:
Sorry?

Jay:
My Cornetto, do you want to lick it?

Old lady:
Oh that is kind, I've had enough Ice Cream today though sweetheart

Jay:
Oh right, bit late am I?

Old lady:
Do you want something else?

Jay:
Are you the woman who sucks school boys off?

Old lady:
Sorry?

Jay:
Can you suck me off?

Neil:
Oh go on I love boats, I used to go fishing with my dad.

Jay:
Fisting?

Neil:
FISHING!

Will McKenzie:
[a fish has jumped into the boat] Jesus Christ! How the hell has that happened?

Neil Sutherland:
I dunno, it didn't have any bait on it.

Jay Cartwright:
Get it out!

Neil Sutherland:
It's just a fish.

Will McKenzie:
It's a f***ing terrifying massive fish! Get rid of it Neil!

Will McKenzie:
[after Jay has let off the emergency flare] Why the f*** did you do that?

Jay Cartwright:
To get the sea police out!

Will McKenzie:
And say what?! "Help, we've caught a fish?"? We're already in the harbour, What are they gonna do - tow us four feet closer to the shore?

Neil Sutherland:
Better kill it, It's the kindest thing to do; it won't survive back in the sea now

Will McKenzie:
Well, that was a much more dignified end for it (!)

Will McKenzie:
: F*** off you beady eyed little shits!

Journalist:
What are you hoping to get out of this assignment?

Neil:
Don't worry. I won't steal nothing.

Jay:
(On underage girls) If theres grass on the pitch play ball .

Will:
Well, what if there isn't any?

Jay:
By the time you find out, it's too late anyway.

Charlotte:
(to Will): You're a nasty little virgin. (throws drink in his face)

Jay:
She'd definitely get it. Right up the bum hole.

Will:
Lucky girl.

Simon:
[about the French exchange student] He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I've tried the "Sleeping Beauty?"

Neil:
Oh, it's good, that.

Simon:
What, you know it?

Neil:
Yeah, you sit on your arm 'til your hand goes dead. Ten, fifteen minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it.

Will:
How do you know these things?

Jay:
Oh, everyone knows the Sleeping Beauty; that's old.

Will:
Is it?

Jay:
Yeah, my mate's brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang.

Will:
They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh there's nothing gay about that.

Jay:
Yeah, well he's in the Air Force now, so how gay's that?

Will:
Still quite gay!

Simon:
[about finding dates for Will's birthday party] Maybe I'll see what Carli's up to.

Jay:
Not being seen dead with you in a million years, is what she's up to.

Simon:
Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand, who are you bringing again?

Jay:
Don't worry about me, mate, I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I'll bring my new f***-buddy along, that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds.

Neil:
You pulled a barmaid? Nice!

Will:
Has she got any special dietary requirements? It's just I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before.

Jay:
Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts - my nuts...

Simon:
- brilliant...

Jay:
- or my cock.

Will:
She only eats small portions then?

Jay:
Well I didn't hear your mum complaining... although her mouth was full at the time.

Will:
Yep. Good one.

Will:
[voiceover] So while I made my final dinner party preparations, including putting on shit music girls would like, Patrice had been busy, too

Patrice:
Uh, I just had a really nice ...'tug?' ... thinking about your mother.

[Will looks up, stunned]

Patrice:
And I think some went on the floor, sorry.

Will:
Right. Thanks, Patrice.

Will:
Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin...

Jay:
Cock of what?!

Simon:
You don't help yourself, do you?

Will:
Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually mean chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice?

Patrice:
[bored] Quoi?

Will:
Well, it does, and it doesn't mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or...

Simon:
...you got some cock in the back of a van...

Will:
Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilised and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! OK, so there aren't any girls here, but why don't we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it's a tall order, and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!

Neil:
How much Lego can you stick up your bum?

Will:
Oh, for Christ's sake!

Neil:
How much Lego can you get up your bum? Didn't you do it as a kid? Just a triangle one and a long one? Maybe a few singles?

Will:
Oh God, what if my birthdays just get worse and worse from now on? What'll happen next year?

Jay:
You get AIDS?

Will:
I'd have to have sex for that to happen.

Neil:
Or f*** a monkey?

Will:
Technically, that still counts as sex.

Simon:
Or drink from the same cup as Neil's dad.

Neil:
Oi, my dad does not have AIDS!

Jay:
Your dad is so AIDS. He's the one who gave it to monkeys.

Neil:
You take that back!

Jay:
That's what the monkeys said to him.

Jay:
BUS WANKERS! (Boys laugh)

Simon:
Where did that come from? Bus wankers!

Jay:
I dunno, it just felt right.

Will:
Those people just saw us passing by and thought, 'We must be the bus wankers!'

Neil:
[Leaning over Will, to get to Simon] Pull over Si! I need a piss.

Angry Man From Bus Stop:
I'd rather be a bus wanker than drive that piece of yellow shit!

Jay:
[Neil is in the toilet examining his penis after cutting it earlier] What's taking so f***ing long?

Neil:
Oh, mate, it's not good, Get us some bog roll... Look!

Jay:
Ah, Jesus! Put it away, Neil!

Neil:
I can't. It stings when it rubs on my pants!

Jay:
Well... take your pants off then!

Neil:
I can't, then it'll rub on my jeans.

Jay:
Neil, no matter what your old man says, you can't walk around London with your knob hanging out.

Neil:
[being ejected from the club for allegedly masturbating, but in reality moaning due to a cut penis] I wasn't wanking! My cock is cut... my cock is cut!

Neil:
Just who is this Duke of Edinburgh, does he teach it?

Jay:
No, of course he doesn't teach it you f***ing idiot, the Duke of Edinburgh is Prince Charles.

Will:
Umm, no he isn't, it's his dad.

Neil:
King Phillip?

Will:
No, I mean, that IS the Duke of Edinburgh you're thinking of, but he's not the King.

Neil:
But he f***s the Queen though.

Jay:
Probably up the arse.

Will:
LOOK, do you wanna sign up or not?

Jay:
You've gotta be f***ing joking, there's no way I'm gonna get bummed by some royal bloke on a mountain!

Neil:
Yeah f*** it, I'm in.

Will:
(to Simon) I need you to do something

Simon:
Ok what is it?

Will:
Have a look at my cock.

Simon:
(nervously) Ummm...

Will:
Not in a gay way. It's just that something's gone wrong.

Simon:
I think looking at your cock in any way is a bit gay.

Will:
Please, I'm serious. All my pubes have fallen out.

Simon:
What?

Will:
I was asleep at school, and...I must have had a wet dream because when I woke up it was all sticky, and...

Simon:
You spunked in the common room?

Will:
Yes, but listen...I went home to clean up, and all my pubes came off in the shower.

Simon:
You spunked yourself, in the common room, during the day...when there were people around?

Will:
(matter of factly) Yes.

Simon:
And then your pubes fell out?

Will:
(exasperated) Yes!

Simon:
I think this is way out of my league.

Will:
Look, you've got to help me. I've got that date with Daisy tonight, and if she touches or at least sees the bald old fella, what's she going to think?

Simon:
That you're a porn star?

Will:
Simon, look at me: I don't think she's going to think I'm a porn star!

Simon:
Maybe you could draw some pubes on with a marker pen.

Will:
(sarcastic) Oh yes, then maybe I'll draw a six-pack on my stomach! Or a longer cock!

Simon:
Or maybe stuff a wig down there.

Will:
(exasperatedly sarcastic) Oh...good idea! A cock wig!

Will:
I dont have any pubes! I did have pubes, but I had a wet dream and they fell out!

Jay:
At least I don't have to wipe old arse for the next three months, just to get a Duke of Spastic award!

Jay:
Have you had a wank over Will's mum?

Will:
Please don't have a wank over my mum!

Neil:
I can't promise that, Will.

Simon (after seeing Will's brought the trousers and underpants he pooped into the pub from school):
I can't believe he's actually brought a bag of shit to the pub with him.

Jay:
Your dad brings a bag of shit to the pub with him all the time... your mum.

Simon:
(referring to the pub) Come on, let' go, this place is cursed.

Neil:
Oh my God, it's haunted?

Simon:
No Neil

Neil:
Well it might be, like one of those ghost stories, like Harry Potter or the Bible.

Simon:
He was caught with his trousers down wanking over the school orchestra.

Will:
When?!

Simon:
Before we get started.

Will:
Convenient.

Donovan:
Move.

Will:
No, we got here first! Why should we?

Donovan:
Want me to giv u a reason?

Will:
...well I'm not leaving without one.

Donovan:
Don't ya understand?

Will:
I don't think you understand that we got here early to secure these seats! And...(gets throttled)

Jay:
(goes to speak to Mr Gilbert, who he's been forced to sit next to)

Mr Gilbert:
Don't even THINK about trying to talk to me!

Will:
(as Yoda) PARTY HMMM, COOL THAT SOUNDS!

Jay:
You know you are never gonna get laid.

Jay:
(reading card) "Jay, you massive stud, please please spaff on my tits, from your Valentine's bitch. P.S and on my face"

Will:
It's just funny all these cards seem to be written in the same scrawny handwriting? Your secret admirers are either all very young, or have severe learning difficulties, which I admit is a possibility.

Jay:
Nah, look...the handwriting's just bad cos they were strumming one out as they wrote them!

Will:
It's not that I'm better than this, it's just that I'm much cleverer than you need to be to work in a place like this.

Jim:
Place like this?

Will:
Manual. Dirty. Not stupid exactly, but not academic by a long chalk.

Jim:
Steve 'ere's got a BTEC.

Will:
Exactly!

(Mr Gilbert chuckles upon discovering Will has been thrown into water)

Will's Mum:
I was hoping you'd be able to do something about it, Mr Gilbert.

Mr Gilbert:
I'm sorry.

Neil's Dad:
I just wonder what he said to them.

Will's Mum:
I don't think he said anything, Kevin.

Mr Gilbert:
Oh come on, we both know Will. He must have said something.

Will's Mum:
He had to walk back through the town centre sopping wet and barely clothed, Mr Gilbert.

(Mr Gilbert stifles a giggle)

Will's Mum:
I had hoped you'd take this more seriously. He wrote to the paper especially to get work experience, and instead I'm picking frogspawn out of his underpants.

Mr Gilbert:
Would you excuse me, just for a second?

(Mr Gilbert gets up and steps into the corridor outside)

Mr Gilbert:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OH! GOD!

(Mr Gilbert returns to the room)

Mr Gilbert:
Look, I don't want it to seem as if I'm passing the buck, but it really is up to their employers. I will ask if they'll consider swapping students, but I can't promise anything. Now if you'll excuse me, I do have a meeting to attend to.

(Mr Gilbert leaves the room and brushes his hands together in the corridor outside before walking off)

Neil's Dad:
Ohh... what a pickle. I'm not sure I should send Neil to the garage. Those men sound like brutes.

Will's Mum:
I think it was just high jinks.

Neil's Dad:
What? Three dirty men throwing a young, naked boy into water?

Will's Mum:
I never said Will was naked.

Neil's Dad:
Oh...I thought you did...

Will (narrating):
Hmm, not quite the outcome I'd hoped for. Neil's dad imagining me naked.

Jim:
Fack off, you're a virgin, mate.

Wolfie:
Classic virgin.

Will:
If you must know, I'd spunk on the big ones! And I have had better than that, actually! And she's got massive titties, and I fucked her hard and all night long!

Jim:
Oh, right, so what are you and this little 'ornbacket up to this weekend then?

Will:
Going to an under-18s disco where she works, so unfortunately you can't come.

Wolfie:
I can go.

Will:
What?

Wolfie:
I can go, I'm 17.

Will:
You're 17?!

Wolfie:
Yeah, I just look older.

Will:
There's looking older and then there's that! You look about 30!

Jim:
So it's settled then, Wolfie will come down and check out this bird.

Will:
Fine.

Jim:
Maybe Wolfie'll pull her.

Will:
Except he won't, because she loves me!

Jay:
Looks like there's some tidy minge here.

Will:
Yes, it's tidy because it hasn't got any hair on it!

Simon:
(To Will) Maybe Charlotte needs someone to help service her car!

Jay:
Oh, I'd service her alright! I'd slide my dipstick in right deep!

Hannah:
I'm so horny, tongue me!

Jay:
Christ, Simon's only gone and pulled himself an experienced cock handler!

Will:
Or, someone so inexperienced she thinks this is the best way to pull a boy.

Jay:
Well, either way, thanks to me we're now watching Simon get wanked off!

Will:
Yes, well we really do have a lot to thank you for.

Simon:
He kicked me in the cock!

Jay:
Good shot to get you in the cock!

Will:
I can't believe you've hired a stripper!

Jay:
Yeah, she was only £150!

Will:
How have you paid for that?!

Neil:
We haven't yet, we'll just have a whip round when she gets here.

Will:
A whip round?! We don't have £30 each!

Jay:
Nah, it's...oh...

Will:
Great, so until an angry lap dancer turns up we are without female company.

Neil:
What's for pudding, Will?

Will:
(noticing stripper at door) A middle-aged woman demanding £150.

Neil:
How much Lego can you stuff up your bum?

Will:
Oh, for Christ's sake!

Neil:
No not now, like when you were younger how much did you get up there?

Jay:
You are grim mate.

Simon:
Why were sticking Lego up your bum?

Jay:
Slow down a minute, Si.

Neil:
[being chucked out of the club for wanking in the toilets, but in reality nursing his cut penis] No wait no!, I wasn't wanking!

Simon:
Oh god!

Neil:
Ma cock's cut... me cock is cut!

Jay:
"Ooh, hello I'm Will, pop your teeth out, Doris, and have a little nosh on this!"

Will:
Brilliant.

Jay:
You're desperate for a gum job!

Will:
Brilliant.

Jay:
Cos you're a paedo.

Will:
Well, if I did fancy old people, which I don't, that would make me the opposite of a paedophile.

Simon:
He is right.

Jay:
Well then he's an OAPaedo!

Jay:
(Noticing Will asleep in the common room) Here he is, sleeping ugly.

Neil:
He's asleep, I reckon.

Jay:
That's cos he was up all night shagging.

Neil:
Yeah.

Jay:
I bet he goes into their room at night, kisses them on the forehead and then slides right into their powdery, old fanny.

Chloe:
Shouldn't you be revising, too?

Jay:
Nah, teacher said cos I've got a photographic memory it wouldn't be fair on the other kids.

[Will is having his politics exam, which has been going for quite a while now. Mr. Gilbert is walking between the tables, and we hear Will's tummy rumble. He puts his hand up and Mr. Gilbert comes over to him.]

Mr. Gilbert (whispering):
What is it now, McKenzie?

Will (also whispering):
Sir, I need to go to the toilet.

Mr. Gilbert:
Again?

Will:
Yes.

Mr. Gilbert:
Well you can't.

Will (surprised):
Sorry?

Mr. Gilbert (whispering):
That'll be the 4th time in an hour! You'll have to wait.

Will:
I'm pretty sure you can't do that, sir.

Mr. Gilbert:
If I have reason to believe you're cheating, I can. And I do, so I have. Now get on with your paper. (He walks off in the direction of his desk.)

(The rumbling noises get worse, much deeper.)

Will:
Oh God no. (Loudly, very high-pitched, despairingly after Mr. Gilbert) Phil!

(Mr. Gilbert turns round, looking like thunder. Will looks bloated, more rumbling.)

Will:
(again) Phil!

[Mr. Gilbert walks over to Will's desk, same expression as before. Will's eyes widen, then his face falls as we hear squelching noise. He's obviously shit himself.]

Will:
Oh no. [To Mr. Gilbert] Phil?

Mr. Gilbert:
Oh, Jesus. [He walks over to Will. We hear other students groaning after realizing what's happened.]

Will:
I thought it was a fart, sir. (Very high-pitched) I thought it was safe!

[Mr. Gilbert pulls Will to his feet, with an expression of disgust on his face, and begins leading Will through the tables to the door. Interspersed with shots of 2 girls shaking their heads at Will before returning to their exams.]

Will:
[voiceover, whilst this is happening] In a turn of low points, this was it. Literally, the bottom. And yet as I waddled to the toilet, I felt strangely optimistic. Painful as it may seem, in a way I was free; free to reinvent myself as whatever I wanted. Right after I'd changed my underpants.

Will:
Simon, look at my schedule...do you see anything in there about me listening to you witter on about your futile crush on Carli D'Amato?

Simon:
Don't be a dick, we're mates and I wanted you to be the first...

Will:
Goodbye, Simon!

Simon:
(as he leaves) God. Twat.

Jay:
Alright, Dad.

Mr Cartwright:
Alright there.

Jay:
Dad, can I ask you a question?

Mr Cartwright:
Woman trouble, is it? That piece you were with the other day?

Jay:
Chloe? Yeah.

Mr Cartwright:
So she's dumped ya? Good. I thought she was facking pig!

Jay:
Nah, it's not that, Dad. I'm just getting jealous cos I think she's seen a few more people than I have.

Mr Cartwright:
That's a given, innit?! If she's seen one person she's seen more than you!

Mr Cartwright:
Look, mate. Women are like fairground rides. Fuckin' mental. Your only hope is to make sure when she wants some, you do the best with your tiny equipment...oh, and check where she is the whole time. That's the only way you'll know she's not sucking off this other bloke.

Jay:
Right, cheers, Dad.

Mr Cartwright:
But let's face it, she probably is.