United States of Al, Season 1

[First lines of the series]

Lizzie:
How do you say "We're so happy to see you" in-- What is the language there? Afghanistanish?

Riley:
Uh, it's Pashto. And I only know a few phrases.

Lizzie:
Like?

[Riley speaks Pashto language.]

Lizzie:
Which means?

Riley:
Please, god. Get me out of here.

Lizzie:
So you can say that and not "We're so glad you're here!"?

Riley:
Lizzie, the whole time I served in Afghanistan, I never heard anyone say, "We're so glad you're here!". We should've brought him a welcome gift. When I went back for my second tour, he was waiting for me on the tarmac with a pot of pacha.

Lizzie:
Ooh, is that something you eat or smoke?

Riley:
It's a traditional Afghan breakfast soup made of sheep's hooves.

Lizzie:
Seriously?

Riley:
I know, it sounds more like a lunch food, doesn't it? Al's mom used to make it for us.

Lizzie:
Aw. Are you gonna cry when you see him?

Riley:
Marines don't cry, Lizzie.

Lizzie:
They don't, huh?

Riley:
No. Those babies in the Air Force cry when their sunglasses get smudged. There he is, there he is. Al, over here!

Al:
Hi. Oh, my friend. I'm so happy to see you.

Riley:
I was worried you weren't gonna make it.

Al:
Me, too. But you found a way.

Lizzie:
Hi, Al.

Al:
Lizzie. It is so good to finally meet you.

Lizzie:
Thank you for keeping my brother safe. Oh, thank you!

Al:
Oh, look at this. Today, we are all in the Air Force.

Al:
Vanessa, having tea is an important part of my culture. It facilitates dialogue, even among the most bitter enemies. During the war, Riley and I would do this to try to resolve disputes.

Vanessa:
I get that, Al, but I just really don't think this is gonna help us.

Riley:
Yeah, I already told him that.

Vanessa:
Oh, shut up.

Al:
Of course, in Afghanistan, we were mostly dealing with murderous warlords. This is my first time working with a married couple.

Vanessa:
Well, we won't be married for long.

Riley:
Why'd you even come here? I mean, don't you have anything better to do?

Vanessa:
I came out of respect for the guy who saved your life.

Riley:
You came to punish me.

Vanessa:
I don't have to punish you, Riley. You punish yourself.

Al:
I have to tell you both, I am missing the warlords right now. Vanessa, why don't you tell me what you think went wrong with your marriage?

Vanessa:
Oh, Al, I don't even know where to start. I mean, the mood swings, the drinking. He won't go get help. He refused to go to counseling. I just had enough.

Al:
Okay, thank you. I have only been here one day, but I have also seen the mood swings and the drinking.

Riley:
Hey. Whose side are you on?

Al:
I am in the middle. Look. This is on purpose.

Vanessa:
I'm sorry, but I'm done trying to raise my daughter with a guy who I can't trust.

Al:
I understand that, too. When I met Riley, I did not trust him either. And I was right not to trust him. Did you know the first time he gave me a gun, he did not put bullets in it?

Vanessa:
You're kidding.

Al:
I am not, and I discovered this in the middle of a firefight.

Riley:
I had to know you weren't gonna shoot me.

Al:
And in that moment, when I was clicking away and nothing was coming out, I really wanted to. The point is, we did not trust each other then. But we do now. Trust is earned.

Vanessa:
Well, he's got a long way to go.

Al:
Oh, I agree.

Vanessa:
Right now, he's at zero with me.

Al:
Oh. Zero is good. I would not have gone that high.

Vanessa:
But I do like you.

Al:
You know what's funny? The warlords also liked me and not him. Vanessa, you are as wonderful a woman as Riley always said. I'm so glad we finally got to meet.

Vanessa:
Me, too.

Riley:
Excuse me. But, we haven't resolved a thing here.

Al:
No, but we are talking, which is a good first step. If the two of us could learn a language he does not know, that might be helpful for the future.

Vanessa:
I speak a little French.

Al:
Ah. Moi aussi.

Riley:
I can learn French.

Al:
Just drink your tea.

Vanessa:
So, what other nice things did he say about me?

Al:
Where do I begin? Your hair, your eyes, your laugh...

Riley:
Oh, come on!

Art:
Lose something?

Lizzie:
Don't worry about it.

Art:
Geez. Hope you find your manners in there. Why do you got so much stuff in your purse?

Lizzie:
What am I, a guest on your podcast? I lost Michael's dog tags.

Art:
Oh... Well, okay, don't worry. They'll turn up.

Lizzie:
Oh, yeah. Here they are.

Art:
Oh, really?

Lizzie:
No.

Art:
Well, where'd you lose them?

Lizzie:
I don't know. That's what "lost" means.

Art:
I'm surprised. I just never seen you take them off.

Lizzie:
I don't. I had them on last night and I went to the party and then they must have fallen off somewhere.

Art:
Well, no problem. Where was this party?

Lizzie:
It was out by Walnut Creek.

Art:
That's just woods. Who has a party in the woods?

Lizzie:
Bad people. Who do you think?

Art:
All right. Let's go find them.

Lizzie:
There's no way.

Art:
Not without assistance.

Lizzie:
What do you mean?

Art:
I got a friend. Walk with me. Bertha, we need your help.

Lizzie:
Your friend is a rifle?

Art:
That's Emily. Bertha's my metal detector. Hello, darling.

Lizzie:
There's a reason you're not dating.

Lizzie:
Okay, next question. For better visibility while driving in rain, fog or snow, you should keep your blank on.

Art:
Pants.

Al:
The answer is low beams.

Art:
Not as funny.

Al:
Hello, mother. How are you doing?

Khala:
Hello, my son. How are you? Did you get your license yet?

Al:
My test is tomorrow. Today, we went shopping and I got new clothes.

Khala:
Wow! You look like Angelina Jolie's husband.

Al:
And mom, check this out.

Khala:
Where are the rest of your pants?

Al:
They're called shorts. Everyone wears them here.

Khala:
Shorts? I do not like them.

Al:
They are great. They have so many pockets.

Art:
Pepper shaker.

Khala:
There's no way God will accept your prayers wearing that thing.

Lizzie:
What'd she say?

Al:
I'm her favorite son.

Riley:
Hey, what about me?

Khala:
Oh, it's my American son. Hello, Riley Jaan.

Riley:
Salaam, Khala Jaan.

Khala:
Look. Riley is wearing pants like a man. Why can't you be more like Riley?

Riley:
What'd she say about me?

Al:
You look fatter than she remembers.

Al:
Is Michael Jordan in this game?

Hazel:
What? He's like 100 years old.

Art:
Hey. Who's playing?

Al:
Not Michael Jordan.

Art:
You good?

Al:
Oh, very good.

Art:
Good.

Al:
Hazel, you should stand up when your grandfather enters the room.

Hazel:
Why?

Al:
As a sign of respect.

Hazel:
What if you don't have legs?

Al:
Hazel, an elder is wise. Much like the rings on a tree, the wrinkles on your grandfather's face are the mark of experience and wisdom.

Hazel:
What if you're tied to the chair?

Al:
Stop finding loopholes.

Art:
You guys are messing with me.

Hazel:
Uncle Al says we have to stand because you're old.

Al:
No, no, no, Mr. Art. That is not what I meant. You are still very young. Mashallah. Not even a single bud from a thousand flowers of your life has blossomed yet.

Hazel:
You just said he was wrinkled.

Al:
I did not say that.

Hazel:
Yes, you did.

Al:
No, I didn't.

Hazel:
Yes, you did.

Al:
No, I didn't.

Art:
Calm down.

Hazel:
Grampy, can you get me some juice?

Art:
Sure.

Al:
Mr. Art, please wait. She is the one who should be getting you juice.

Art:
I don't want juice.

Al:
Doesn't matter. She needs to know her place in the family. She should sit closest to the kitchen so that if anyone needs anything, she can happily run and get it for them. The order should be the youngest by the kitchen, then the parents, then the guest, then the elders.

Art:
Yeah, that's not gonna work. Puts me too far from the bathroom. What flavor?

Hazel:
Grape, please.

Art:
Excellent choice. Pairs well with popcorn.

Hazel:
Yes, you did.

Al:
I don't want to fight you.

Riley:
How about now?

Al:
No.

Riley:
How about now?

Al:
Riley, you spilled my tea!

Riley:
Oh, no! What are you gonna do about it?

Al:
This is a bad idea.

Riley:
Why?!

Al:
Because I will lose!

Riley:
Oh, with that attitude, you will.

Al:
No, with this body, I will.

Riley:
Fight me, or I'll call your sister names.

Al:
Okay. That's it!

Riley:
Yeah, man, this is my therapy. When I get mad, I do this. When I'm sad a little of that. When I don't know how to feel, a little bit of that.

Al:
Fine. If you insist, I will give it a try.

Riley:
All right, step into my office. Here we go. Show me what you got. Harder. Harder!

Al:
I don't want to hurt you.

Riley:
Oh, you're serious?

Al:
Now I kind of want to hurt you.

Lizzie:
(singing) If I had a hammer.

[Lizzie destroys the beer bottles with a hammer.]

Lizzie:
(singing) I'd hammer in the morning.

Art:
Whatcha doing?

Lizzie:
Making art.

Art:
For a minute there, I thought you were breaking beer bottles with a hammer.

Lizzie:
I'm working on a mixed-media mosaic.

Art:
Ah. Why?

Lizzie:
What do you want, Dad?

Art:
I need to ask a favor.

Lizzie:
I'm listening.

Art:
I was hoping you could put together a slideshow about your brother. Maybe include some pictures of him and Al in there.

Lizzie:
For the Veteran's Post thing?

Art:
Yeah.

Lizzie:
You sure about this? Riley hates that kind of stuff.

Art:
Nah, he says he does, but once he gets up there onstage and he feels all that love and gratitude. He needs this. I sure never got an attaboy when I came back from Grenada.

Lizzie:
'Cause no one knew you went or what it was.

Art:
That was a turning point in the Cold War.

Lizzie:
It was more like the beach volleyball scene from Top Gun.

Art:
Come on, help me out here, will ya? Your brother's stuck, and we need to unstick him. You in or you out?

Lizzie:
I'm in.

Art:
Thank you. Hey, can I try?

Lizzie:
Oh, sure.

[Art destroys the beer bottles with a hammer.]

Art:
Yeah! I get it.

Lizzie:
You got screwed on the financing.

Riley:
Stop trying to ruin this.

Art:
Riley, pipe down, will you? I want to hear what she has to say.

Riley:
Why are you listening to her?

Art:
Because she's good with numbers. You're good with shapes. Go ahead.

Lizzie:
The interest rate increases up to 20% after 6 months.

Riley:
Yeah, that's fine. It's the same deal I got on my truck, and I'm not having any problem making payments.

Art:
Wait, you're still paying on that? It's been like 3 years.

Riley:
Yeah. And in 3 more, it's all mine.

Art:
I thought you got a great deal on that thing.

Riley:
I did! The guy who sold it to me even said I was the toughest negotiator he ever-- Son of a bitch.

Art:
I'm gonna go down to that dealership and let 'em have it. I mean, taking advantage of an immigrant and a moron? That ain't right.

Lizzie:
Hey, Champ. You good?

Riley:
Champ.

Lizzie:
Can we get you anything?

Al:
More sparkling cider.

Riley:
I think you've had enough, buddy.

Lizzie:
I'm just gonna turn this down a little, so we can talk.

[Lizzie turns the radio off.]

Lizzie:
There. That's nice.

Riley:
Look, man. I know you're hurting, but she's one girl. Okay? You got to get back out there.

Al:
Why? You've been out there for months, and all you have to show for it is a mysterious rash.

Riley:
It's a detergent sensitivity. What I'm saying is, it's a numbers game.

Al:
Even you don't believe that, Riley. The love of your life is gone, and you chase a mirage every night. It is a fool's errand.

Riley:
Okay. I'm tagging out. You're up!

Al:
I was born at 3:00 AM. so that's when I wake up and celebrate.

Al:
Of course. I also know I was 19 inches and had an enormous head.

Al:
I must imagine that, when you were younger, you were very successful with the ladies.

Art:
That's a weird thing to imagine, but you're not wrong.

Al:
So, what kind of women did you date? Educated? Uneducated but with a strong work ethic?

Art:
Well, I was an 18-year-old Marine who could do 100 pull-ups, so any kind I wanted.

Riley:
You could not do 100 pull-ups.

Art:
I got it on Super 8 in a box somewhere.

Riley:
My record's 30.

Art:
Yeah, what can I tell ya? You're weak.

Al:
Riley, this is not about you. It is about your father and the kind of woman he fancies.

Lizzie:
You know what I'd fancy? A different conversation.

Al:
Now, I bet the women would like you as much now as when you were a young man.

Art:
Where are you heading with this, Al?

Al:
I'm just commenting that you are still very desirable. You own your own business. You have a home. You have many skills.

Lizzie:
You can fall asleep standing up.

Riley:
You can open a beer with your teeth.

Al:
And you know many jokes. I don't get most of them. But, I sense they are funny.

Hazel:
And a little Spanish.

Riley:
I basically missed out on 6 years of Hazel growing up. I'm just making up for lost time. This is where you're supposed to agree with me.

Lizzie:
I really want to.

Riley:
But?

Lizzie:
Those 6 years were not easy for Vanessa. Being a single mom was really tough.

Riley:
I really am gonna go this time.

Vanessa:
I hope it helps.

Riley:
Okay.