Veep, Season 3

Amy:
[to Dan] You have more nervous tics than a shoe bomber.

Dan:
[as Amy pulls a phone out of her panties] You keep a second phone there? Hypocritical...and horny.

Photographer:
One...two...

Amy:
Shit on my tits! Maddox just resigned.

Jonah:
Ah! You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open.

Dan:
Hey, Hepatitis J. How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh?

Jonah:
It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.

Dan:
You don't think maybe you should take that down?

Jonah:
You don't think you should go fist a chimp?

Jonah:
Sir, please, don't take this away from me. The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice-versa. Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think from here on...

Kent:
You're embarrassing yourself.

Jonah:
Sir, I don't have anything else in my life.

Dan:
He really doesn't.

Jonah:
See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan... F*** you, Dan!

Kent:
That'll be all, Mr. Ryan.

Jonah:
Sir, did POTUS okay this?

Kent:
Get him out of here!

Jonah:
You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! I'm leaving here with my head held high, and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.

Gary:
About the campaign, I had an idea.

Selina:
[handing him a used sanitary wipe] Here you go.

Gary:
Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer, and I'm running for President of the United States."

Selina:
I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.

Dan:
You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for [indicating himself...] Superman and [...and Amy] Wonder Woman over there, just, [super-cutesy] "I wanna be President."

Gary:
Ma'am, I don't know if you just heard what he was saying...

Selina:
No, I didn't hear what he was saying, but I agree with Dan. I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.

Dan:
No matter how dumb they are.

Guy in boat:
Hey, I voted for you!

Selina:
Thank you very much, sir! But I'm afraid you have to go to prison!

Dan:
We need to pick a number.

Selina:
No, I know, but I need to get clarity here. I'm not feeling it.

Dan:
I was clear! I was clear! We just need to pick a f***ing number, any f***ing number. Give that f***ing number to the f***ing press, and go to f***ing bed! I mean, how much more clarity do you need? You want to print it on a f***ing t-shirt? Come on! [long awkward pause] I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.

Selina:
Well, um, I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the f*** out of you. Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?

Dan:
Look, I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado. But I would go pro-life in a fetal f***ing heartbeat if it meant winning.

Kent:
Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.

Selina:
Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.

Selina:
I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand me? I am letting them do that. Get it?

Ben:
Yes, ma'am.

Selina:
Right. But they do not own me!

Ben:
They really don't, ma'am.

Selina:
No, they don't!

Catherine:
Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.

Selina:
Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.

Catherine:
Goddammit. [To Gary and Dan] It's okay. Fixed her.

Gary:
[holding dress] What do you think a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.

Selina:
You know what "trim" is?

Gary:
Yeah?

Selina:
It's twat.

Melissa:
Nature is very important to Clovis, here is some right here.

Selina:
Well how do take care of the roots?

Melissa:
Oh, these are synthetic.

Amy:
You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever they are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.

Melissa:
We have a saying here at Clovis: "dare to fail".

Joe Thornhill:
[on TV] I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.

Selina:
[to Ben] How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock full of assholes, I don't trust the Chinese, and I gotta tell you something. I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any f*** of a difference in your life." So how's that for my platform?

Ben:
Got my vote.

Mike:
You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette. It's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.

Dan:
[on phone, walking out] Yes, I've seen the numbers, Ken. I know that she's bleeding blue-collars. So we're gonna make her look f***ing folksy in a London pub.

Mike:
Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan's a f***ing terrible campaign manager"?

Amy:
I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.

Kent:
[on phone] Amy, the emu has landed. Jonah's in London.

Amy:
Shit. Maddox must've sent him here to spy or something. Jonah Bond, 00-F***-Off.

Ray:
Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech?

Mike:
This is like Gettysburg. "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendale, 100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for. Let today be their funeral service, and we their mourners."

Ray:
How about this? "There's a whole lot of guys who never came home. Good guys. Here's to those guys."

Ben:
Holy f***ing Christ. What is that, Ray?

Ray:
It's called cosmic balance. It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about.

Ben:
Yeah? Well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.

Ray:
I believe in karma. Does that make me weird?

Dan and Mike:
Yes!

Selina:
What a f***ing misery marathon that was. [Looks around] Where is everybody?

Mike:
Dan had a nervous collapse, Amy's taking him to the hospital, Ben went back to DC, Kent's firing Ray, and I'm in charge.

Selina:
F***.

Mike:
I know, right?

Selina:
I should just go back out there. Did you see that?

Mike:
Yeah, I saw.

Selina:
Why? Why am I in London talking about my enormous jiggly-ass ass?

Gary:
Ma'am, but people love people who were, like, fat, then they're no longer fat.

Selina:
No, they don't.

Gary:
Right.

Selina:
Fat people don't even vote. They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? No food in the voting booth.

Selina:
Let's get the merry old f*** out of merry old England. Okay, I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed. Okay, just more carefully, though, please.

Jonah:
Let's check out your chart. Let's see how you're doing, here. Okay. All right. Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. Thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings-that makes sense. Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth. Chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding. Uh...tiny child balls?

Amy:
Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?

Furlong:
Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.

Amy:
Ben, you're Owen Pierce.

Ben:
Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.

Amy:
Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.

Furlong:
Don't do the voice, though.

Kent:
I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.

Amy:
Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?

Kent:
Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.

Mike:
Oh, well, I'm the hip hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.

Gary:
She's coming...she's coming...

Mike:
I think Gary's about to cum (come).

Amy:
If Thornhill strayed once, there may be others. Maybe a crack whore if we're lucky.

Catherine:
Call me naive, but isn't that unethical?

Amy:
You're naive. Welcome to politics.

Furlong:
Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other. F*** Broadway. This is real acting.

Moderator:
Governor Chung, we live in a time when young people find in increasingly hard to find work. How would you address this issue?

Ben:
Ten bucks he says, "bring back the draft."

Amy:
If there is any dirty trick I cannot stand, it is honesty.

Amy:
[on Thornhill] Listen to this idiot. They're not even soundbites, they're just sounds.

Dan:
Yeah, but it works, though, that's the thing. I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.

Ben:
Well, that's appropriate. It's the Corn State.

Dan:
Amy, I gotta say, you're doing a great job. Seriously, you do me better that I do me.

Amy:
You do yourself a lot.

Jonah:
I screwed up, Mom. I should've never joined Maddox. Now he's finished, and I've come home to die.

Jonah's Mom:
Well, can your DC friends help?

Jonah:
I don't have any friends in DC, Mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But like, right behind my back so I can hear them.

Selina:
Well, there's just... there's just no way out of this. I mean, you know, not for a sitting Vice President...who's lost Iowa and New Hampshire. You know what V.P. stands for? It stands for, "victory permaf***ed." I don't deserve it. You know? Goddammit. I don't, but you do, because you are all losers! Every motherf***ing one of you! [pointing to Amy and Gary] Loser! Loser!

Selina:
Are you okay?

Kent:
Kind of...in a way, and also not. In a third way, both.

Selina:
What are you talking about? What is it? Are we at war?

Kent:
Ma'am, we're America, we're always at war.

Jonah:
Someone has just flown two planes into my career.

Sue:
The oath will take place tomorrow at 12:00 noon.

Selina:
Ye.

Sue:
You will then acquire the nuclear codes.

Ben:
Goodbye, China.

Amy:
Thornhill, Chung, and Maddox are continuing on for now.

Selina:
Those f***ers. God, can't we just take 'em out? Is Jack Ruby still alive?

Selina:
God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.

Amy:
The presidential staff is merging with our staff, ma'am, so...

Selina:
I want you to be my acting chief of staff.

Ben:
What?

Selina:
Yeah. I need all your experience, buddy.

Ben:
Don't ask me that.

Selina:
But I am asking you that.

Ben:
It just destroyed me. I mean, I was bulimic the whole first year, and I didn't even lose any weight from it.

Selina:
No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you even talking about? You told me you'd midwife me through this campaign. Do you remember that?

Ben:
Yeah.

Selina:
So guess what. I'm ten centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning. I need you. Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.

Dan:
You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?

Ben:
[looking around] I never said that.

Dan:
Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.

Ben:
No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn't telling you what I told you. The f*** stops here.

Jonah:
Dan! What the f*** is this?

Dan:
What are you talking about?

Jonah:
You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.

Dan:
Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.

Jonah:
I publically denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.

Dan:
Ooh, wow.

Jonah:
There's one of me f***in' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.

Dan:
The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?

Jonah:
No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.

Selina:
I am the most powerful person in the world. Is that correct? [All agree] Any f***-up from now on is not just a f***-up, it's my legacy. Got it?! No f***-ups!

Sue:
Ma'am? Secretary Maddox would like a meeting, stat.

Selina:
No. Stat. He's useless. He's a one-inch cock.

Dan:
Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.

Jonah:
What kind of idiot do you think I am?

Dan:
Is there a choice?

Jonah:
I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.

Dan:
Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?

Jonah:
Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.

Dan:
No. That's that's impossible.

Jonah:
Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a gopher, a servant.

Dan:
Oh, you want a Jonah?

Jonah:
Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the f*** that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.

Dan:
Shit! I gotta go.

Jonah:
You know what? They should be called Dans.

Dan:
Maybe Chung didn't torture that guy, but he sure is waterboarding the f*** out of us in the polls.

Selina:
Jesus. If I come in third, this could be the shortest administration in history.

Mike:
Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency... No, that won't happen.

Selina:
Hey, where is this photo op, Ame?

Amy:
It's at a factory that makes protective gear for firefighters.

Gary:
I think that's great, ma'am. Everybody loves firefighters. Everybody wants to keep them safe.

Selina:
Yeah, everybody wants to f*** 'em, too. God, I would love to f*** a firefighter. Hey, I'm the president. I can f*** anybody I want now, right?

Amy:
All the other ones have.

Mike:
It's good we won Dixville Notch.

Dan:
It's got a population of 12, Mike.

Mike:
I know, Dan, but it's famous.

Gary:
Our Lord Jesus started with 12.

Ben:
Well, he didn't win New Hampshire either.

Amy:
Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.

Selina:
I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.

Selina:
I'm taking these people back to dial-up, you know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.

Kent:
Well, in a way they are.

Selina:
No, they're not!

Kent:
Okay, I take your point.

Selina:
I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big brass shiny erection, but I've got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyber-brats. And I'll tell you something else: if you're over 30, check it out. [indicates an elderly cleaner nearby] That's where you're headed my friend, if you work here. I gotta go to the bathroom. Do they have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?

Kent:
Down the hall, to the right.

Selina:
I hate this fucking place.

Gary:
She's gonna ask you for a chamomile. She doesn't want chamomile; she wants peppermint. Okay? She gets a little confused, but do not point it out.

Kent:
You are going to change America in a way that usually only war and fluoride can.

Dan:
Thanks for sending me the speech, Mike. It's perfect-

Mike:
Great.

Dan:
-ly shit.

Amy:
Sorry to interrupt, um, there's been a shooting across the street.

Selina:
Oh.

Amy:
Yeah. Three people died, one of them was Emily Lafuente.

Selina:
Emily Lafuente, the journalist? She was a vicious bitch and a fucking drunk. That's sad news.

Minna Häkkinen:
I'm sorry to say, in your country you have too many guns.

Selina:
Way too many. But I think we have a little problem, and it's called the Second Amendment. People think it's their birthright, you see.

Minna Häkkinen:
To give guns to babies?

Selina:
Well, only in Arizona.

Minna Häkkinen:
I would like you to understand that in my country, politics is a lot more honest.

Selina:
In your country, people fuck snow. And I hope you understand that I say that with the utmost respect.

Ben:
I need a stiff fucking drink. In related news, Ray's talking.

Mike:
Oh, God! To smart people?

Ben:
He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It's like watching a goat try and use an ATM.

Robb:
Right, so unelected... loony has the ear and minge of the Vice President and he says that fat people——no, fat kids, fat kiddies have sinned in a past life!

Jonah:
Yeah. Do you know how upsetting that's gonna be to fat people? All of America is fat people, that's all we have! All of our children weigh 300 fucking pounds!

Robb:
Well we've got fat kids here—well I've got a fat kid, I don't see her very often but that's er, she's um... Right, we'll ambush the Vice President, we'll get photos of her being surrounded by fat kids dressed as devils.

Jonah:
Seriously?

Robb:
[nonchalantly] Yeah.

Jonah:
Oh, my God! You guys are fucking brutal!

Robb:
This calls for a celebration. Come on, I'll get you the first pint at least.

Kent:
People are disturbed by your role—

Ray:
Yeah, they think folks that are physical can't be cerebral, they think those two things are separate, that they're not... symbiotic.

Kent:
No, no, no. You don't understand.

Ray:
No, I do! I do. Look, people think that, you know, the fitness guy, how can he know about politics? I get you, Kent.

Kent:
[groans in frustration] Again, I don't think you do. People think Selina's judgement is bad if she listens to people like you, whose beliefs are very stupid.

Ray:
Because I am people.

Kent:
Oh, you're not getting it.

Ray:
You know, the brain is a muscle.

Kent:
No, it isn't!

[later]

Kent:
You really don't get it, so I'm going to keep this very simple: you're fired.

Ray:
I get you. Very simple.

Kent:
Yes, it is.

Ray:
Great. I'm so pleased we had this talk. Let's see where we all are in a month or so.

Kent:
[astounded] This is amazing.

Ray:
Thank you.

Amy:
Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball, Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but the main targets here are Maddox and Chung.

Ben:
Well hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation; actual and general air of.

Amy:
Yeah, I want their heads on my wall. Actual heads.

Furlong:
God, I love this kind of talk; gets me aroused. [beat] Sorry, I meant "roused". [beat] No, did I mean—I meant "aroused"! Aroused.

Kent:
I know it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself, but our carrying on is what she would have wanted—does want.

Furlong:
[to Catherine, regarding Selina's new haircut] Just imagine, that's what you'll look like when you become a boy.

Gary:
What do you think of the new cut, huh? Do you like it?

Mike:
Of course I don't fucking like it! It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy!

Gary:
The elven look is in right now, I was reading about it.

Mike:
People don't elect elves, okay. They put them to work in grottos or get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them.

Gary:
That's dwarves.

Chung:
Today, we're here to talk about records. And my record clearly shows that, unlike some of us, I have been tested.

Ben:
Here comes the burning tank story, where he saves the one guy, and the rest of us get fucking tortured.

Ben:
I hate confessions, unless they've been beaten out of someone.

[Selina's eye continues to twitch visibly on camera]

Amy:
Jesus, that is a wicked twitch!

Doyle:
I can't watch this.

Furlong:
Neither can she 'cause her fucking eyes don't work!

Doyle:
I think I've endorsed a Nazi!

Furlong:
It'd explain the Hitler haircut!

Doyle:
Now Maddox's daughter's gonna give him the bad news!

Furlong:
"Daddy, you fucking blew it!"

Doyle:
"Daddy, I've never been less proud of you!"

Amy:
Uh, ma'am? Quincy Carter, the editor of the New Hampshire Globe, is here to speak with you.

Selina:
Oh God, that Dickensian shit-stick?

Mike:
[regarding Selina's new campaign "platform"] She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.

Selina:
[regarding Quincy Carter] Oh my God, I cannot stand that affected butt-plug. If I could lift the fuckin' crate I'd beat him to death with it.

Mike:
[trying to unlock a cellphone] It's password protected. Hang on. 0-0-0-1... 0-0-0-2... 0-0-0-3...

Selina:
You cannot be serious.

Dan:
[to a reporter] You're asking a rhetorical question, and the answer's obviously No.

Kent:
The First Lady isn't in a good place.

Selina:
Oh. Hospital.

Kent:
Mentally. POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time to looking after her.

Selina:
Yikes!

Kent:
At any rate... he's gonna resign.

Selina:
Uh-uh. [beat] What?

Kent:
Ma'am, you're about to become the 45th President of the United States. It's not a dress-rehersal, not a drill. You are going to be the president.

Sue:
We have to schedule calls for the UK Prime Minister, for China, and for the Vatican.

Selina:
It's like a Google Maps of ass-kissing.

Selina:
Can we say that it was just an error?

Dan:
No, ma'am, the entire world would notice that.

Ben:
Yeah, it's terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fuckin' Lincoln Memorial. [into phone] Yes, I am still here.

[re:
Airforce One]

Mike:
Isn't this plane amazing?

Ben:
Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?