You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984)

Announcer:
[voiceover, over the show's logo] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Unfriendly production.

Christine:
[voiceover] You can say that again.

Announcer:
[voiceover] You Can't Do That On Television---

Christine:
[voiceover] Oh, shut up!

Christine:
You know, the producers of this show collect something... idiots.

[(Lisa and Alasdair run to the front door, holding buckets filled with body parts. The ring the doorbell and Valerie answers it.)]

Valerie:
: Yes?

Alasdair:
Oh well, hi, we're on a spare body parts run, and we wonder whether you have anything to donate.

Valerie:
: Well, yes I do. (Grabs Lance by his shoulders) A complete set. (Lance complains she Valerie shuts the door)

Pauline:
Hey Angie, did you know I can speak a foreign language?

Angie:
Really? I didn't know that, let me hear you.

Pauline:
"Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having."

Angie:
"Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having"? That's not a foreign language!

Pauline:
Yes it is, it's English.

Angie:
Well, I know it's English.

Pauline:
Well, England is a foreign country.

Christine:
Oh Eugene, look! They put up the name of the foster child the school adopted.

Eugene:
Oh yeah, he's from the Philippines.

Christine:
Yeah. Do they ever have weird names there. Look at this... "AI DO KNO".

Eugene:
Don't you know anything about the Philippines? The A is silent, The O is pronounced O and the K is silent. His name is "I don't know".

[Eugene is slimed]

Christine:
You're new on this show, aren't you Eugene?

Christine:
Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...

Lisa:
Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...

Christine:
...Please touch the green square now!

Lisa:
Oh please, oh please, oh...

[The audience "votes" for Lisa to lose her voice. Lisa immediately shuts up.]

Christine:
Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!

[Lisa holds up a sign that says, "I'LL GET YOU MOOSE!"]

Christine:
[Lisa is still unable to talk and can only communicate through writing notes; reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!

[The vote fails. Lisa writes Christine another note.]

Christine:
[Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.

[Eugene Contreras walks over and sits down]

Christine:
Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.

[The vote fails again.]

Christine:
Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?

[Vanessa Lindores walks over and sits down]

Christine:
And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...

[Christine is drenched.]

Christine:
...green square on your screen!

[This time the vote passes. Vanessa is hit with water, and Lisa laughs out loud.]

Christine:
Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!

[Eugene gets a pie in the face.]

Lisa:
And now it's time for the commercials!

[Vanessa and Eugene are on the school bus and are wearing TV wristwatches.]

Vanessa:
These new wristwatch televisions are great. I don't miss the soaps anymore.

Eugene:
And I don't miss the football games anymore.

[Snakeeyes is also wearing one and watching it but he is not watching the road.]

Snakeeyes:
And I don't miss... [looks ahead] ...THE TREES ANYMORE!! [they crash into a tree.]

Ben:
What's your ambition in life?

Doug:
To grow up big and strong.

Ben:
Oh, you mean like me?

Doug:
No!

Ben:
Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!

Lisa:
Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.

Christine:
Oh, Lisa?

Lisa:
Yes, Moosie?

Christine:
Was it always your ambition to become an actress?

Lisa:
Why, yes it was.

Christine:
What went wrong?

Christine:
[putting a curse on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat. Toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.

Alasdair:
Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Lisa:
Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!

Alasdair:
Why, what were you wearing?

Lisa:
Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...

Christine:
Oh, well that explains it, then.

Lisa:
Explains what?

Christine:
Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.

Lisa:
Oh, Christine?

Christine:
Yes, Lisa?

Lisa:
Did you go out trick-or-treating?

Christine:
Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.

Lisa:
I thought so.

Christine:
What do you mean?

Lisa:
All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!

Lisa:
Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.

Ross:
It was nothing.

Christine:
Almost!

Christine:
You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.

Lisa:
Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?

Christine:
Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

Ross:
I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

Alasdair:
Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.

Ross:
But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)

Christine:
What was that?

Ross:
The producer. They just told him.

Lisa:
I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?

Ross:
The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.

Christine:
Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?

(Suddenly, the left half of the screen goes blank, and Alasdair, Lisa and Marjorie disappear.)

Ross:
That half.

Marjorie:
Lisa, you weren't in school yesterday. Why? Were you sick?

Lisa:
No, no, yesterday was a Jewish holiday.

Marjorie:
Yeah, but you're not Jewish.

Lisa:
I know that, but the man that my mom just married is, so we get all the Catholic holidays and all the Jewish holidays.

Marjorie:
Hey, that's a great idea! As soon as I get home, I'm going to tell my mom to get divorced and marry someone of a different religion! That way I can have two sets of holidays!

Lisa:
Yeah, and just think, if your parents both marry someone of a different religion, just think of all the holidays you'd get! No more school!

Marjorie:
YEAH! [the girls both giggle hysterically]

[Lisa and Marjorie are in the living room]

Lisa:
Marjorie, I thought you said that your parents were getting a separation.

Marjorie:
They are, but since neither of them could afford to move out, they separated the house.

[Camera switches to a wider shot, revealing that the living room is divided straight down the middle by a solid white line, which divides the sofa and table in half. In one chair, on the same side of the house as the TV, sits Valerie, knitting, and in the other chair on the other side of the white line sits Lance, reading the paper. Lisa and Marjorie are seated on Valerie's half of the couch.]

Valerie:
Marjorie dear, I'm afraid your little friend is going to have to go home now.

Marjorie:
Aw Mom, she just got here!

Valerie:
Marjorie dear, you know the rules - no company after eight o'clock.

Marjorie:
All right. Dad?

Lance:
Yeah? What is it, Marjorie?

Marjorie:
Can we come over to play?

Lance:
Why sure, kid! You know what I always say, my house is your house.

Marjorie:
Bye Mom!

Valerie:
Bye dear.

[The girls get up, cross the white line and move to the other side of the sofa.]

Marjorie:
Dad, this is my friend Lisa.

[The girls sit down on the couch. Marjorie sits right on the dividing white line, Valerie cautions "Uh-uh-uh!" and Marjorie scoots back over to the other side.]

Lisa:
Marjorie, I can't see the TV.

Marjorie:
Oh yeah, I know that. Mom got custody.

Lance:
[holding up his beer can] But I got custody of the fridge. Heh heh.

Lisa:
(at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?

Barth:
(sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!

Lisa:
Oh Barth... you didn't!

Barth:
What are you talking about?

Alasdair:
You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!

Barth:
Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!

Lisa:
I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.

Barth:
Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)

Christine:
Hey, Adam?

Adam:
Yes, Christine?

Christine:
Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?

Adam:
Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...

Christine:
No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...

Lisa:
Are you finished?!!

...

Christine:
Hey, Lisa?

Lisa:
What?!

Christine:
Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.

Lisa:
...Yeah, I know.

Christine:
You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?

Lisa:
But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?

Christine:
LISA!!!

Lisa:
Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

Christine:
[introducing the show, dressed in a heavy overcoat and hat] I would just like to show you how the weather affects our lives - for instance, the clothes we wear. In the winter, we have to bundle up because we're suffering through that freezing cold! And then... [takes off overcoat and hat to reveal that she has on a red raincoat] comes the spring... with its soft spring rains. And then... [takes off raincoat to reveal that she is wearing a one-piece bathing suit] THE SCORCHING HEAT OF SUMMER!!!

Angry Crew Member Offscreen:
CUT IT OFF!

Ross:
[walks up to Christine with a bathrobe, which he uses to cover her up] Christine! What are you doing?!

Christine:
Well, Ross, I'm introducing the show. I thought that since it was about weather, I'd just, uh... [laughs sheepishly]

Ross:
Do you realize what the Censor Board would say about this? Do you want them to take this show off the air?

Christine:
[laughing and grinning wickedly] Yes.

[Blip's Arkaid]

Alasdair:
All right, one more point and fifty free games!

(Blip hearing this runs over and shuts the power off momentarily)

Kids:
BLIP!!

Blip:
Sorry kids, a little power failure. Thunderstorm if you ask me.

Alasdair:
A little power failure? My score just went down to zero and I lost fifty free games!

Blip:
What can I do? It's the weather!

Alasdair:
I don't know why Blip just shuts off the power and then blames it on the weather.

Lisa:
But it is the weather. Weather we are about to win any free games or not.

[Snakeeyes' bus is stuck in a snowbank and he tries to push it out.]

Snakeeyes:
All right kids, You're going to have to come out and help me push.

Lisa:
We are always getting stuck in the snow Snakeeyes. Can't the school board buy some snow tires?

Snakeeyes:
Oh they wanted to buy snow tires, but I told them, "No thank you!".

Lisa:
Why?

Snakeeyes:
Oh you kids are so stupid. I mean snow tires, how long do you think they'd last? Tires made out of snow. First two days of summer, they'd melt.

Lisa:
Where does the school board find him? And why do they let him drive a bus?

[Christine is shoveling snow during a blizzard in the studio.]

Alasdair:
(with his weather machine) Christine! I finally figured out how to stop the snow!

Christine:
Well would you hurry up?! My arms are getting tired!

Alasdair:
All right! You turn the dial to heat wave. There! (The blizzard stops.)

Christine:
Oh it worked! Oh but Alasdair, there's only one problem. Where does all the snow go when it melts?

Alasdair:
It turns into water!

[Alasdair is drenched]

Christine:
Well, at least you didn't get green slimed.

Alasdair:
You know, sometimes I don't know which is worse.

[Alasdair is slimed]

Christine:
Well, now you know.

Lisa:
You know Alasdair, Snakeeyes is an amazing driver. Through snow, sleet, wind or hail, we have never been late for school.

Alasdair:
And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...

[Alasdair's weather machine has it very hot in the studio.]

Christine:
Lisa, I can't believe how hot it is today.

Lisa:
Christine, it has got to be at least a hundred degrees.

Christine:
You know, with my frail health, I can die in this weather.

Lisa:
There has got to be a way to cool off.

Christine:
(thinking) There is! Come here. (whispers to Lisa)

Lisa:
Good idea! okay.

Christine and Lisa:
Water! (nothing happens) Water? WATER!!

Christine:
Oh. Ross, what is going on here?

Ross:
It is this heat Christine. We have to conserve water. Which is more important, a cheap gag or conserving one of our most natural resources?

Lisa:
I don't know, I guess you're right.

[Lisa is slimed]

Christine:
Well apparently, there's no slime shortage. But you've got problems Lisa. There's no water in the showers.

[Everyone is ready to go swimming in the studio pool. However, Ross brings out a small Care Bears wading pool]

Christine:
Ross, this is a pool for a little child.

Ross:
This is a program for a little child.

Christine:
Ross, we can't go swimming in this pool. There's no...liquid in it.

Ross:
Oh. Well...then nobody's going to drown.

Christine:
Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that'll really turn your head, and probably your stomach.

Announcer:
"Hobby Days" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following collection... of garbage.

Mr. Schidtler:
Show and tell next week, and we will feature collections. Oh, and by the way, you will each have ten minutes.

Wyatt:
Alright! I collect insects!

Justin:
I collect coins.

Lisa:
(surprised) Oh, um, I have to collect my thoughts.

Mr. Schidtler:
Your thoughts, Lisa? What are you going to do during the other nine and a half minutes?

[Justin is chained up in the dungeon.]

Justin:
Must drive you crazy having to torture kids all day long.

Nasti:
And you know, kid, sometimes it does get to me.

Justin:
Well, why don't you take up a pastime of some sort?

Nasti:
I had one. Oh, I loved it. I used to hunt wolves but I had to give it up.

Justin:
Well, why? What happened?

Nasti:
It was becoming addictive.

Justin:
Addictive? How could hunting wolves be addictive?

Nasti:
Well, I was up to two packs a day. [laughs] Hey, either you laugh or you hang here for the rest of your life.

[Justin reluctantly laughs along.]

Lisa:
You know, Christine, I was thinking...

Christine:
That's odd.

Lisa:
Christine, say you're hobby is swimming. Well, what kind of substance would you be moving through?

Christine:
Oh no you don't!

[Christine gets hit with water anyway.]

Christine:
Oh, come on! That's not fair! I didn't even say that substance at all!

Lisa:
Yes, you did, Moosie. You see, we have a new stagehand, and he's French, and "eau" is the French word for wa--

[Lisa gets hit with water.]

Ross:
Hey, Christine, we've been talking an awful lot about hobbies. You collect anything?

Christine:
Oh, yeah, sure, Ross. I collect stamps. Say, do you want to see my stamp collection?

Ross:
See your stamp collection? Sure.

[Christine stamps on Ross' foot.]

Christine:
That's the stamp that Lisa gave me when I told her she had a really big mouth. [She stamps on Ross' foot again.] And that's the stamp Vanessa gave me when I told her there would be no extreme close-ups of her on this week's show...

Christine:
Since this show is about hobbies, I thought this would be a good time to mention that a lot of kids, whose hobby happens to be cooking, have written in asking for the recipe for green slime. For some strange reason. Well, there's sort of a problem because I don't know the recipe for green slime--

[Christine gets slimed.]

Christine:
You know, they're getting sneakier and I'm getting dumber all the time.

[Mr. Prevert is watching Alasdair and Ben playing Atari Pac-Man]

Mr. Prevert:
Oh! Video games, video games! That's all you kids do nowadays. Sitting in front of that stupid screen!

Ben:
It's not true Dad. Sometimes we go to the arcade.

Mr. Prevert:
You know what your trouble is?

Alasdair:
Our trouble is you can't break 100,000.

Mr. Prevert:
Oh no. Your trouble is you've got no ambition.

Ben:
You have no idea what it's like being a kid today!

Alasdair:
Yeah, I mean the pressures are enormous.

Ben:
In your day, it was easy. You had a choice of being a doctor, lawyer.

Alasdair:
Yeah, now there's space exploration, computer science, hi-tech.

Ben:
Recreology, oceanography.

Mr. Prevert:
Yeah well, you know I never really did think of it in exactly that way. I guess it is scary.

Alasdair:
Oh it sure is.

Mr. Prevert:
Well I mean there's so many choices, there's so many new fields opening up.

Alasdair:
Yeah.

Mr. Prevert:
By the way, are you two guys got any idea in what direction in what you're leaning profession wise?

Ben:
I think I'd like to be a doctor.

Alasdair:
I think I've decided to be a lawyer.

Announcer:
"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Joins The A-Team" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present another Christmas turkey.

[Ross has complained about how consumerism is ruining Christmas.]

Christine:
Yeah, you know, I know what you mean. I was in this one store and there was a sign: "10 Santas, No Waiting."

Alasdair:
I know what you mean, Christine. I was in this store and there was an express Santa for kids that wanted less than five presents.

Ross:
Oh yeah? Was he busy?

Alasdair:
No. Who wants less than five presents?

[Doug is looking around the living room for something. He can't find it and leaves in frustration.]

Valerie:
It's driving Dougie crazy. He can't find his Christmas presents anywhere.

Lance:
Where did you hide them?

Valerie:
Oh, I found a place he hasn't looked in years. Under his bed.

Alasdair:
Okay, it has 11 letters, it begins with S, and when--

Mr. Schidtler:
Wait a minute, Alasdair. What are you doing?

Alasdair:
I'm giving my report, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
Your assignment was to give me a review of A Christmas Carol.

Alasdair:
Well, that's right, and "Silent Night"'s my favorite Christmas carol.

Mr. Schidtler:
Not a Christmas carol, A Christmas Carol! By Charles Dickens!

Alasdair:
I've never heard of him, sir, but maybe if you sung a couple of lines, it might come back to me.

[Lance is angrily trying to assemble something.]

Lance:
Every Christmas Eve, it's the same thing, I can't put these things together!

Valerie:
I know, dear.

Lance:
I'm a senator, I'm not an engineer.

Valerie:
Well, let me see that, Lance. [Lance hands over the instruction sheet.] Well, maybe you're having trouble, dear, because you're using the Japanese instructions.

Lance:
Let me see that! [He grabs the sheet back.] I know.

Valerie:
Of course you did.

Lance:
I just happen to like a challenge, okay?

Valerie:
You bet.